Good afternoon SSB&P employees. As I’m sure you’re aware the world is in upheaval. The veils of reality are in a state of flux, governments are disbanding, and there has been death and destruction on a scale that is difficult to comprehend. We understand that many of you want to spend your final hours with loved ones or mark off as much of your bucket list as possible. Before you do, let me ask you a question. What if I told you that we’ve made some adjustments to the org chart and there’s a spot on it for you!
The New York and Seattle offices seem to be lost but as you know, we believe in turning problems into solutions here at SSB&P. In that spirit, I have merged what is left of the marketing department with legal and have taken control of everything above the executive mezzanine. Unfortunately, we had to let Sandy from HR go. I think we can all agree that she was a wonderful woman, but was far too naïve to be trusted with our future success. The cafeteria is now held by Phil from maintenance and most of the janitorial crew. For certain considerations, Phil has agreed to offer nourishing meals and refreshing drinks as long as supplies last. All employees who find themselves with a position on the new chart are welcome to enjoy the safety and relaxation of the cafe.
Make no mistake, Brian or anyone else from the mailroom, we will end you if we find where you’re hiding. It is beyond me why you thought you had what it took to take on the management team. We have years of ziplining and trust falls to bind us together. Let me assure you that Phil has made the cafeteria quite secure and it would be in your best interest to exit the building. Just in case you’re foolish enough to try another hostile takeover, I am offering a guaranteed place on the org chart for anyone bringing me Brian or any other former mailroom employee.
Our transition team is putting together welcome packs and Phil will be giving some basic hand-to-hand instruction in conference room B later today. All employees will be able to carry over vacation and sick time as well as any profit-sharing agreements. With all the chaos going on out there wouldn’t you appreciate some stability? The world may be forever changed but your employment doesn’t have to. Get on up to the 10th floor and let us know that you want to be part of the new team! Anyone caught inside after dark without a welcome packet will be terminated.
When one door closes another one opens. We just had a really big door close on us but I am confident the best is yet to come. With your hard work and attention, I believe we can become the first cross-dimensional law firm. The opportunity is deeper than deep, it’s infinite!
