For millions of us, there’s nothing better in the morning than a slice of toast with some quality grape or strawberry jelly spread on top. The sugar and carbs paired with a caffeinated beverage is a trusted combination to start your day, but what if you could skip the coffee and get a caffeine kick on your toast? A new Jelly from Manimal aims to “Shake-Up The Breakfast Table!” Made from the popular energy drink, Manimal Jelly pledges to “zap some energy into the laziest meal of the day.” With energy drink consumption at an all-time high however, some are wondering if the public really needs another way to consume Manimal.
This is not Manimal’s first foray into the world of food. The company’s Manimal infused Turbo Ham changed everyone’s “preconceived notions about lunch meat” a few years ago and has gone on to be one of the most popular products at Big Bites Stores across the island. Nonetheless, health advocates say Manimal Jelly is different. While the ham contains only trace amounts of Manimal, the new jelly contains large quantities of potentially dangerous chemicals and seems to be targeted at children.
Manimal CEO Spencer Kane takes issue with the jelly ingredients being labeled as potentially dangerous but admits that the jelly wasn’t originally created with children in mind. “When I first approached the guys with the idea I had an extreme personal lubricant in mind, but after a little back and forth we decided to keep it super tasteful instead,” he says.
“Manimal Jelly knows no restrictions including age, but we think kids, in particular, will love the flavor and burst of energy it provides. Most cereals are absolutely loaded with sugar. While that does help children ride a sugar rush into class, it’s a short run. Most kids crash before lunch and struggle in the second half of the day. For far too long this was the best that they could hope for but not anymore. Manimal Jelly climbs that mountain of sugar and plants a flag of energy on top. Pound for pound it has all the caffeine and other natural ingredients as Manimal drink, exactly what a kid needs to keep their fire burning. Students fueled with Manimal Jelly instead of a boring bowl breakfast can pay attention well into the afternoon, hours after their peers have crashed. We live in a time that demands better breakfast options and I’ll just say it. It’s stupid to start your day any other way!”
Unfortunately for Mr. Kane Not everyone agrees piling caffeine, guarana, and taurine on top of sugar is the best thing for children. Pa’ani Mahelona, Principal of Lahaina’s Pu’u High School, says that the jelly has become an issue for the school’s no Manimal on campus policy. Mahelona like many critics says that Manimal Jelly creates a new problem rather than fixing one. He adds, “It’s really forced us to divert valuable resources to keep it off campus and we’ve urged our parents to save it for the weekends.”
“Earlier this year we became a Manimal-free campus and the results were amazing. Test scores and attendance are up, and incidents of fighting and climbing the building are dramatically down. While we recognize that it is every parent’s right to choose what is consumed in their house, there is no denying that Manimal is bad for a productive learning environment. In the past, it was relatively easy to spot a container of Manimal and confiscate it. The jelly has presented a much bigger problem. We recently found a student selling packets of jelly to classmates in her economics class. While we appreciated that she recognized an item of value, calculated a price point that maximized her profits, and established a sustainable supply chain, we were forced to confiscate the jelly and suspend her for five days. We take the rules seriously at Pu’u and urge parents to remind their kids to leave the Manimal in every form at home.”
Of course Manimal Jelly isn’t just for kids. Many Manimal fans both young and old are thrilled to have their favorite energy drink available in another form. One such fancier is on the older end of the spectrum, Lahaina icon Malie Kahiko. The 110-year-old star of the hit show Malie’s List says she’s a fan of the jelly but urges moderation.
“We didn’t know what Myrtle had waiting for us when she said she had something special for the shortcake at the next bridge club meeting, but some of us weren’t ready for the jolt we got that morning. I immediately suspected the mystery topping was Manimal jelly because pineapple jam doesn’t make Myrtle shake like that. Even though my doctor doesn’t like it, I have an occasional Manimal when I feel like it. I generally don’t have more than one because it can give me heart palpitations especially if I haven’t taken my medication, but the jelly hit like a ton of bricks.
I’m not sure if it was all the sugar or that we didn’t know what it was at first but it really got us going. It wasn’t long before the cards were down and we were all up and about. Myrtle and Clair were the first to race their scooters down the driveway but soon all of us with wheels were taking runs. A few of the gals tried to get a lindy contest going but it’s hard to dip that low with a walker. I’m used to doing crazy things on my show but a lot of these ladies aren’t. I can’t begin to guess how many tires and hips needed replacing at the end of it all. It was an afternoon to remember that’s for sure, I’d just suggest taking it easy until you know how much jelly is right for you.”
