For Manimal fans, there’s never been bigger news. Today the much-hyped “Herd-Sized” cans go on sale to the general public. Coming in at just over 36 gallons, the company says the enormous cans are targeted at a generation “used to abundance,” and will provide “sustained energy for even the most rabid fan for up to a month.” However, some take issue with Manimal’s suggested daily serving sizes and several design flaws with the gigantic containers exposed during a trial run in the company’s home town of Lahaina.
Over twice the size as a keg of beer, the new cans are impressive, to say the least. Around 6ft tall and weighing over 350 pounds, customers must schedule delivery and installation times when ordering one. Herd-Sized containers resemble old-fashioned water heaters more than the slick cans fans have come to love. Despite this, the company says the target audience for the new can is the much-coveted “Veiler” demographic, the generation who grew up with veil technology.
Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says he’s “super excited” about offering a Manimal product specifically designed for Veilers. “This is a generation that is used to traveling across the world in an instant, they don’t want to make multiple trips and wait in line to get the life-fuel they need. We listened to our customers and we heard them loud and clear. Herd-Sized Manimal allows you to provide ultimate hydration to your crew. If you’re more of a lone wolf the new container holds around a month’s worth of savage refreshment, so you never have to wait for that surge of energy you need. Veilers are used to getting their money’s worth and immediate gratification. We feel that Herd-Sized Manimal is just our natural adaptation to those wants and needs. As usual, Manimal is leading the pack and I couldn’t be more excited!”
There’s sure to be no shortage of Herd-Sized cans delivered in the coming weeks across Maui, but as usual, this Manimal announcement is not without controversy. Critics point to the company’s famously fraught Manimal public ATV rollout, as well as the numerous issues with past promotions, some involving children. Betsy Kaukau an investigator for the Department of Health says she’s not concerned with one more questionable marketing scheme, she’s concerned about the public’s well-being.
“Forget the fact that these containers come with special bracing to keep them from crashing through floors. Forget that the company’s recommended daily serving is over a gallon a day, an amount of Manimal that we know can lead to massive multisystem organ failure. What really scares me is the dangerous design issues their test rollout uncovered. Nobody at Manimal thought to put any sort of level indicator on these things. Instead, they come with a level stick that allows any number of contaminants and bacteria into the container. The company puts a “refrigerate after opening” sticker on the side but who has a refrigerator big enough to accommodate this gargantuan thing? Basically, Manimal is shipping 350-pound biological bombs across the country.”
Gary Puniwale, a Lahaina resident, and participant in Manimal’s product trial is one of the unlucky few who experienced problems with his Herd-Sized can.
“Luck and I have never been friends but when I learned that I was going to be one of a few dozen in Maui to get a Herd-Sized can I thought my luck was changing. I should have known better. Everything seemed to go great the first week. Sure it was a little hard to get it into my apartment and the landlord had some concerns about it crashing on my neighbors below, but I made room and it came with extra floor bracing. I thought it was great, but at the beginning of week two things started to change.
I wasn’t positive, but I thought it started tasting different and it would be really foamy in the morning. I thought maybe it was the apartment AC vibrating the container at night or something and the taste seemed fine after I drank a few glasses so I put it out of my mind. Then one morning I noticed that the sides looked a little bowed. I thought it tasted a little fizzy but I stirred it and tried a glass and it seemed ok. I put the stick back in place and got another glass before I went to work and then another. It turns out that the Manimal was fermenting and I drank so much that I passed out.
I woke up in the hospital with a BAC over three times the legal limit. The can had burst leaking gallons of boozy Manimal on my neighbor below. She ran upstairs and found me unresponsive and called for help. In retrospect, I should have known that the buzz was from alcohol and not ultimate energy but I’m not a doctor. Manimal paid for my medical expenses and cleaning the downstairs apartment. I’m doing much better but I’d caution anyone thinking of getting a Manimal silo in their home. There is something to the saying “too much of a good thing.”
Manimal says they have come up with adaptor kits for older containers complete with soldering instructions and stand by the safety and intensity of their product.
