Manimal Unveils New “Ancient” Formula

With retro fashions in style again, and the resurgence in popularity of old music and art, many companies are cashing in on the public’s love of those days-gone-by. The question is, does that love of yesteryear extend to energy drinks? Manimal CEO Spencer Kane hopes so. This morning the iconic beverage company unveiled the latest formula in their line, “Koa Kick”. Kane says the newest edition to the Manimal brand is inspired by an ancient recipe popular with the elite Koa warriors who lived and fought on the islands.

A press release reads in part. “The Koa were as fierce and unrelenting in battle as they were in life. Their stamina and strength were well known, and part of that vigor came from what they drank. Sure, they never jumped out of a helicopter or managed to hit a Double Pop-Shovit Late Kickflip but they were pretty dope for their time. Now, you can finally enjoy a taste of what powered these historic warriors. Koa Kick is an ancient formula to fuel a modern life. Blended with one of nature’s most nutrient rich foods, sugarcane, and a few other secrets ingredients, this new Manimal lets you live and play like the ancestors!”

Koa Kick is the first Manimal to be sweetened entirely by cane sugar and sugarcane juice. It is this change that makes Koa Kick special according to Kane. “I’m not hating on high fructose corn syrup here, but it’s just not right for Koa Kick,” he says.

“The history of sugarcane in Hawaii and its importance to the Koa is fascinating. It was one of the first plants brought to the islands to be cultivated, known as “canoe crops.” That doesn’t mean that they were grown on boats out in the surf, although that would be totally sweet. It means that the sugar cane was considered so vital to life that it got its own spot on the boat along with sweet potato, breadfruit and grandma.

Being a Koa warrior might have been the original extreme job. After a hard day of running, paddling, leaping ravines, and fighting to unite the Hawaiian islands under King Kamehameha, these guys counted on a big cup of cane juice to keep them fueled and ready to bash in some heads. They even planted it alongside popular routes so they could get a little boost on the go. Koa Kick is basically the energy drink enjoyed by these warriors with a modern kick. If it helped unite the Hawaiian islands, imagine what it can do for your free climbing game. This is our most ancient, and extreme formula yet!”

Despite Kanes enthusiasm for the new formula, health advocates warn that Koa Kick isn’t much better for you than any other Manimal products. While it is true that high fructose corn syrup has long been identified as problematic and potentially harmful to your health, excessive consumption of refined sugar comes with its own problems. “It’s not even about all the sugar, although I have heard reports of a Koa Kick crash which could be concerning,” says Dr. Dalia Forsythe.

“It’s about the stimulants in Manimal. Choosing a slightly better sweetener is fine, but with all the taurine, caffeine, and guarana added to this drink, it’s a moot point. This is definitely not the drink Koa warriors enjoyed. This is just Manimal made with sugar instead of syrup.”

One Manimal enthusiast is sold on the new formula however, and claims he can feel the difference sugarcane has made. Lahaina inventor Ano Lee says that Koa Kick is his favorite Manimal yet.

“As a member of the Alpha Club I get access to new flavors and formulas months before the public, and I can’t say enough good things about Koa Kick. I’m not sure if it would help me march for miles or swing a shark-toothed club, but it definitely has made me more productive. I tend to drink my breakfast and my go-to morning drink is Manimal. The problem is that after 4 or 5 cans my hands would often get so shaky that I couldn’t do any fine work. If I was working on a circuit board or trying to solder wires together, I had to do it before noon. For some reason, all that sugarcane juice smooths out everything else that keeps my motor running, and I’m steady handed all day. I never really paid that much attention to things like natural sugar before, but I’m a convert. I’ve been adding a little Koa Kick to just about everything. Sure, I may end up with higher blood sugar, but it keeps me ready to take on anything, just like my ancestors.”