Manimal’s “Alpha Club” Comes Under Fire After Contamination of Sacred Spring

The “Alpha Club” promised to provide fans a monthly supply of cold Manimal, and a chance to try out new flavors and products before the general public. However the company’s service is now under fire, after the contamination of a sacred spring North of Lahaina. Officials say it’s hard to say just how much of the energy drink has been introduced into the protected Ho’inu spring, or how long the cleanup effort will take. As days turn into weeks, many are calling on the company to foot the bill, and change the practices that helped cause the problem in the first place.

Costing only $1 the first month, the Alpha Club service promises a monthly supply of the popular Manimal drink (72 cans) delivered to your home, and even put in your refrigerator if you so choose. In addition, members get to try new flavors and products before they are available in retail stores, giving valuable feedback to the company. Many, like 25-year-old Steven Nauwe love the convenience of having their favorite drink delivered monthly.

“Even though the flavor of the month has been ‘Fightberry Punch’ 3 times already this year, I think being a member of the Alpha Club is a great deal. In fact, I drink so much because of my job as a dog walker, that I have two subscriptions. Sure, you pay full price after the first month, but you get to try out new flavors first. I got to try: Green Prepper Blast, Ultigreat Orange, Cherry Fury, and Lightning Phlemon, before anyone! I even got to try the original formula Manimal Spray before they they removed some of the anti-foaming agents. You wouldn’t believe how much that stuff used to burn. I’m not really sure what the problem is.”

According to officials, the problem is that someone need only send a dollar, an address, and very little else, to become part of the Alpha Club. An investigator familiar with the case says, “Normally, these kind of poor practices would only hurt the business. Who in their right mind would send thousands of dollars worth of merchandise without a credit card number, or some sort of verifiable personal information? In this case, we’ve determined that a minor had signed up for the club because his mother didn’t allow Manimal in the house. His parents came forward after finding the bill for his latest order in his pocket. The company had been delivering his supply to the intersection of two trails in the preservation zone for at least 5 months. For reasons that are still unclear to us, the child had been hiding the cans in the spring. Many had ruptured, or were dumped in the water, causing the contamination issues we’re dealing with.”

Ike Hoomana, Spokesperson for the Office of Hawaiian Culture (OHC), says that Manimal should pay for Ho’inu’s restoration because of their gross negligence. He says, “Ho’inu is one of the most sacred spots on the island. According to legend, the first people to come to here had gone two days without water, when they followed birds to the spring. It was here that those brave people made a covenant. They promised to respect, protect, and revere the spirits of the land in exchange for clean water and its bounty. So it went for centuries, until it was befouled by a child, and a company blinded by greed. Even if we drain the spring, some of the Manimal has settled into the ground, and we are unsure how long it will take to work its way out. The crystal clear waters of this is spring used to nourish our bodies and souls. Now, the waters are tinted red, a foul smell hangs like fog, and it attracts only hordes of stinging and biting insects.

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says he is shocked to hear that a child had joined the club without parental consent, and saddened that the spring was damaged. “We have boxes that every Alpha Club member has to check stating that they are awesome, and 18 or older. In addition, we are totally against hurting, breaking, jumping off of, or doing anything bad to historical monuments or sacred places. We like to focus on amazing people and amazing things, and what happened here is really unamazing.”

Kane says the company has already fixed some of the issues involved with the Alpha club, to ensure that nothing like this happens again. However, he says that we need to understand that awesome kids do awesome things, like drink Manimal, and figure out how to work around the rules. Spencer says that like everyone, he feels bad about the spring, but wishes people would take it easy on the child involved. He says,

“We have to remember that everyone makes mistakes. He’s just a radical kid who made a radical mistake. We should give him a break, and be thankful nothing but some water was hurt. I started the Alpha Club to offer the ultimate drink service for your ultimate life. We believe that legs were made for climbing, jumping, and kicking through cross currents, not walking to the store or standing in aisles. We wanted a way to say thanks to our serious customers, like this kid, and give them a chance to enjoy new products before the casual consumer. Like it says on the application, “Alpha’s Drink First!” We feel super bad about what happened, and have started to coordinate a volunteer effort with area Alpha Club members. I’m sure that with their energy and help, Ho’inu will be an awesome spring again.”