I have some great news Tanager Lane residents! The mayor’s office has officially recognized my strong leadership and people skills. I’m proud to announce that I have been appointed as his Compliance Liaison. It is my job to ensure that everyone in Lahaina is following the new preservation zone rules. As I’m sure you’ll agree, they couldn’t have made a better choice.
Don’t worry, I have no plans to abandon my duties as your HOA President. In fact, I’ve found the best way to lead is by example and together we will turn Tanager Lane into a shining example of compliance. Under my direction, we are going to follow the new regulations so hard and completely, that you’ll forget they’re new. I think we can all agree that some of you have a hard time remembering rules; I’m looking at you Shelby. Don’t worry! As usual, I have come up with a simple solution.
Tomorrow morning you will all find a laminated “cheat sheet” in your mailbox. It is double sided and covers everything we need to work on. (I will include the cost of the sheets and my time in the next round of HOA fees.) I suggest that you all study them carefully. I plan on conducting numerous pop quizzes so please be prepared. I recommend that you display the cards in a prominent place so nobody has an excuse for not learning the material.
Please make sure that you go over the regulations with your children. We can’t reach our goal of 100% compliance unless everyone, even your little ones, follow the rules. I know some of them have had issues in the past; again, I’m looking at you Shelby. In some ways these new rules will be a test of your parenting skills, so you can understand my concern. While I’ve tried to make the cards idiot proof, there are a couple rules that I want to hammer home so there is no confusion.
First, all debris and non-permanent items must be removed from your property. It turns out those little fire ants can set up house in almost anything that keeps them out of the sun. I am considering any item I see unattended outside as debris, and will dispose of it as such. Bikes, skateboards, and scooters are fair game. Grills, and unattended lawn furniture are on the list too. If you’re practicing your golf putting I suggest you leave the other clubs inside or carry the bag. All vehicles must be kept in your garage. No more driveway parking. I’m throwing shade on anything that could potentially provide shade.
The other issue I want to touch on is some of the new pet regulations. I know that I have been overly forgiving about pets in the past but the days of a kinder, gentler Elizabeth are gone. Your pet negligence is a direct reflection on me now. Your animals are not allowed outside off a leash ever, end of story. In fact, it would probably be best if you just didn’t take them out at all; better safe than sorry. I know that this might be an extra burden to those of you with dogs, but it was your choice to get a pet that traditionally uses the outside as a bathroom. Unfortunately, nature and the new regulations don’t have a 5-second-rule when it comes to pet waste. I’ll be more than happy to help anyone rehome their dog if they think they can’t live up to the new expectations.
I know this is a lot to take in but I’ll be right there alongside you to make sure you’re working towards our common goal. Under my leadership we can be safety conscious as well as upholding the Tanager Lane way of life. I agree that some of these new rules seem a bit extreme but protecting our beautiful natural areas is important if we want to keep our property values up. If you have any questions please refer to your cards before contacting me. Let’s show Lahaina what 100% compliance looks like!