Re: Infringement of Trademark Rights of Manimal Sports Drinks

Dear Lahaina Merchants Association

We represent the owners of trademark registration no. 11948372 here and in dimension ∃3.81.654729. Widespread use of the Manimal trademark has been made, to the extent that this trademark has acquired an extensive reputation and goodwill throughout existence. The Manimal trademark is, accordingly, also a well-known mark for all relevant purposes of trademark law.

It has come to our attention that you are using the Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” trademark. This trademark is confusingly and/or deceptively similar to our Manimal trademark and also constitutes a reproduction or imitation thereof.

In this circumstance, your use of the Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” trademark will constitute an infringement of our registered and common law rights.

As such, we seek relief. We demand that you immediately:

  1. Cease all use of the trademark Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry”; or agree to our licensing terms. They are quite reasonable and we are willing to barter. We hold non-perishable food stuffs, bottled water, medical supplies, and ammunition at a premium.
  2. Deliver-up for destruction all material to which the Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” trademark or any other mark confusingly or deceptively similar to our trademark has been applied. The Manimal brand is synonymous with health, vitality, vigor, and an active lifestyle. Your dubious flavors and bizarre filtration methods are harmful to the image that our clients have carefully cultivated. Furthermore, the lack of proper government health and safety oversight in the production of your “drink” exposes the public to significant dangers.
  3. Withdraw, cancel and/or delete any corporate names, domain names, trademark applications and/or trademark registrations for or including the Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” trademark. Whales are beautiful and intelligent creatures that many revere. It is also illegal to hunt many species. We understand that at least one of your “brewing” whales is of a protected species. Your are exposing yourself to quite severe penalties and associating our clients with a practice that many would find abhorrent or distasteful. On a more personal note, I find the name of your product disgusting. I would be willing to provide you with a professional and experienced marketing specialist at a reasonable fee. Again, we are willing to barter for your potential new brand specialist.
  4. Undertake, in writing, never in future to make any use of the Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” trademark without prior written authority from us, whether within any corporate name, trading name, trading style, domain name or otherwise.

You may be foolish enough to think that we do not have jurisdiction in your area or that you are beyond our reach and/or ability to enforce this claim. That would be a big mistake. While you’ve been spending your time figuring out how to make drinks inside of dead animals and stealing intellectual property, we have been planning. We’ve spent years in the executive mezzanine brainstorming about what we would do to people who choose to ignore our demands. You wouldn’t believe some of the stuff that Phil’s come up with. Just thinking about it makes me shudder, and I’m a hard guy to shock. Don’t let this letter fool you. We aren’t the kind of law firm that relies solely on procedures and motions. It would be wise and healthier for you not to elicit any further action on our part.

We await to hear from you by no later than close of business on November 4, 2115. This is written without prejudice to our rights, all of which are hereby expressly reserved.

Yours faithfully,

Kurt Bickley