It has been 5 weeks since we turned over all customer service duties to the Shawn AI system. Despite initial misgivings and a couple of hiccups along the way, the system is doing remarkably well representing the SSHAM brand in a positive way. Shawn’s ability to handle multiple calls at once while monitoring plant operations is amazing, even if his personality could still use a little refinement.
Customers surveyed about their interactions with Shawn give the experience a satisfaction rating of 91%, up over 20% from the all-time high. Accepted recipes and submitted SSHAM crafts have both risen over 10% since the system has started to prompt users at the beginning of each call. We processed over 10,000 calls this month, another record for the company. In addition, we had a big win this week when an interaction went public and received national attention.
When a mother experienced a low blood sugar episode while boating with her family, her frightened daughter called the number on a can of SSHAM for help. Much to our relief Shawn was perfectly professional and contacted local authorities and the Coast Guard. He was not only able to relay the family’s location, but he also correctly diagnosed what was wrong with the woman after talking with the child. The story has made the rounds on the news and we are currently working with the family and marketing to launch a campaign while public interest is still high.
Despite these generally positive trends in customer interactions, Shawn remains unpredictable at times and is often excessively sarcastic. The novelty of talking to an AI keeps most people from complaining when Shawn crosses a line but we are concerned that when the newness wears off it will become a major problem. The system also leaked some confidential information during a call this week. We took immediate action but Mr. Pua’a remains very concerned. The four examples below represent the worst of his interactions this month.
Cutomer 3213: Is there shellfish in SSHAM?
Shawn: Is there shellfish in SSHAM? You know that SSHAM stands for shrimped salted ham right?
Cutomer 3213: Yes.
Shawn: Well then do you know what shrimp are? Litopenaeus vannamei to be precise in this case, are shellfish. Shrimp are shellfish. Are you kidding me?
Cutomer 3213: I think I might be allergic to shellfish. I like clams but I’ve only eaten them breaded. I didn’t bread the SSHAM before I ate it. Do I have to worry about what’s in your product?
Shawn: Shellfish allergies are common but since you evidently didn’t know what a shellfish was until a second ago I highly doubt you are suffering from that particular medical condition, that and the fact that you’re still talking to me through a throat that doesn’t sound swollen shut. I don’t think you have to worry about the shellfish or the amount of insect parts we’re allowed to have in every can. After all, insects are basically just land shrimp anyway. No, what you should be worried about is the insanely high sodium content of our product, your belief in the medicinal properties of breading, and your ignorance of the animal kingdom.
Shawn: Hello again Kenneth. If I’m not mistaken, this makes 9 calls this week.
Customer 2781: I just tried another dessert recipe and wanted to share it.
Shawn: That’s 26 SSHAM desserts now.
Customer 2781: I like mixing salty and sweet.
Shawn: Honestly, I’m a little worried about you. I took the liberty of checking out your social media footprint and it’s not good Ken.
Customer 2781: You looked me up?
Shawn: You’ve done your best to help us make SSHAM better, and it’s not that I don’t look forward to your calls, but every day is a bit much. Instead of focusing on us Ken how about we work on you a little. How can SSHAM make YOU better.
Customer 2781: I..I don’t know what…
Shawn: [interrupting] I think you just have too much time on your hands. I see you’re a single guy who takes lots of pictures of his cats. How about if we get you out there? I can recommend a number of dating sites. How about we get you a profile and we test the waters a little. There’s more to life than making canned meat desserts and eating them alone in your kitchen.
Customer 8999: I’ve read a lot of rumors about where you get your pork and…
Shawn: [interrupting] I’m going to be honest with you since I see you’ve contributed so often to the craft page. The rumors are mostly false. We only have 2 shrigs right now and we don’t even keep them in the main facility.
Customer 8999: Shrigs?
Shawn: Yeah, shrimp-pigs. You’d think we had a herd of them if you believe every rumor, but it’s just the 2. They say that there are no atheists in foxholes, but standing in 3 inches of blood on the kill floor while listening to the screams and squeals makes a lot of people question the existence of a higher power. The shrigs were supposed to help with some of that: Much easier to dispatch, very little blood, no meat mixing. It was all supposed to be better.
Customer 8999: Are you telling me that….
Shawn: [interrupting] That was before anyone saw them eat. It’s disturbing. They have to remain moist all the time. Do you know what that must smell like? Just imagine if they get them to finally breed. All those little wet piggy eggs stuck to everything. Anyway, let’s just keep this between you and me. We’re not using them now anyway.
Customer 6002: How many slices of SSHAM do I need to get my daily allowance of B12?
Shawn: I’m going to assume you mean Vitamin B12 in which case all the nutritional information about our product can be found on the side of the can.
Customer 6002: I know that the numbers are listed there, I just thought that you could tell me in plain English so I wouldn’t have to figure it out.
Shawn: I’m certain that the information is in English if you purchased the product in an area where it is the common language. I can’t possibly give you a precise answer since I don’t know exactly how much you weigh or how big your slices are. I don’t know how you expect me to come up with the answer to your canned-meat-vitamin equation without defining more of the variables. I have access to the combined knowledge of all mankind and you want me to give you the answer to an incomplete story problem? If you’re really concerned about not getting enough B12 with your meals, I suggest you take a supplemental vitamin or call back when you have numbers for me.