Attention: Lahaina residents and business owners.
SSB&P’s case continues against the Lahaina Merchants Association (LMA) regarding the trademark infringement of the well-known Manimal brand, by the organization’s production and sale of Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” drinks. We are confident that the case will be adjudicated in our favor, and urge anyone with any further information in the case, to contact one of our Interdimensional Innovators immediately.
As part of the trademark case, we have been conducting an audit of property, tax, and relevant public records regarding businesses, groups, and individuals in the Lahaina area. That investigation has turned up a number of violations and inconsistencies. Most of these issues revolve around the Kanaka in the property now referred to as the Mission.
Our audit is not finished, and the violations listed below do not represent a complete list of our findings. If you are concerned that you, or a loved one is operating an illegal business, owe back taxes, or are using a piece of debris that you do not own, we urge you to retain our services today. Doing so may lessen the total amount you owe, and end any investigation on our part.
The following notice reflects all information discovered by our investigators and freely available from pre-fracture public documents. Being the largest and last law firm in any world for the past 65 years, SSB&P prides itself on its ruthless efficiency, and our ability to negotiate a settlement that is heavily weighed in our favor.
It has come to our attention that the current owners, (the group calling themselves the Kanaka), of the building commonly referred to as, “The Mission”, are 23,861 days past due on their rental payments, and 23,719 days late paying their property taxes. In addition, the building has numerous safety and accessibility violations. It routinely exceeds its maximum occupancy, and does not have clearly marked exits. The proximity to the ocean requires a full time lifeguard, which is not present, and annual environmental paperwork which has not been filed for over 65 years, just to name a few. As a result, we have been forced to draft this letter of eviction.
The Kanaka of Lahaina are hereby required to vacate the building commonly known as, “The Mission” within fourteen calendar days, counting weekends and holidays. If you do not comply with this notice, you will be served with a Summons and Complaint for unlawful detainer. Unlawful detainer is when you remain in possession of rental property after the owner serves you with a lawful notice to leave, such as this eviction notice. If you are found by the court to be in unlawful detainer, you will be evicted by the court and you will be liable for:
- Any rent due and unpaid through the end of your tenancy, less any amounts you pay us, or we receive from the next tenant.
- Damages caused by your unlawful detainer of the rental property. This includes, but is not limited to: weapon damage done to the floors, any claw marks on doors, removal of bloodstains from carpet, and any missing window treatments.
- Damages for any waste of the rental property caused by you, or any refugees you have housed in the past 65 years. (Waste is damage you or your guests cause beyond normal wear and tear including damages caused by Green Ladies, Night Marchers, Menehune, Trophy Hunters, or Shrig attack)
- Attorney fees, investigation reimbursement, and court costs. You must alert us in writing within three calendar days of your willingness to participate in mediation. Mediation shall take place within seven days of receipt of your written notification with a mediator of our choice. If you fail to provide this written notification within three days and/or you fail to participate in mediation within seven days, be advised that we intend to proceed with legal or equitable relief.
If you fail to reach a settlement and/or leave the structure within 14 days, we will be forced to shut off any and all public utilities, and report the above violations to the appropriate governmental agency. If such an agency no longer exists, we will: create one, staff it, give it jurisdiction over the matter, and commence sending you threatening letters until you comply, or worse. We look forward to further litigation with you in the future.
