STORYLINE

New information about the garden attack that you should know

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Hello Dr. Binyan. I’m sending this message via your personal ceremplant channel since the information I have is sensitive, and I assumed you’d rather not have a copy of it stored by the company. You are no doubt aware by now of the attack on our gardens yesterday morning. A preliminary investigation has suggested that Gaia Guard terrorists targeted us because of the high-profile nature of the work we do here in the applied research division. That is the story news outlets have been reporting and the belief of every agent I’ve talked to in the past 36 hours. However, I have reason to believe that another party is responsible for the explosion and the loss of our intern.

As you know, my work here in Lahaina is focused mainly on producing food plants that can grow in poor soils and extreme temperatures. In addition, we experiment with ways of taking these hardy stocks and fortifying them nutritionally or giving them some other advantage over similar rugged strains. For the most part we’ve had great success. Despite the negative press, I believe our Kükenroot plant will be hailed as revolutionary one day. I had equally high hopes for our latest project, a tree we are calling the “King coconut”.

Our goal was to produce a coconut palm that was resistant to the fungal and phytoplasmal infections that have been so common in the native trees. Coconut trees are already able to grow in quite poor soil but we sought to boost its hardiness by engineering nodules in the fronds to store nitrogen fixing bacteria. This would boost the plant’s ability to generate the chemicals it needs for good health and accelerated growth. We experimented with a number of other hardy trees that have broad soil requirements and had the best results with Hura crepitans, commonly called the sandbox tree. We were slightly concerned at first that the hybrid produced trunk spines like the Hura crepitans, but in the end we thought it would provide a deterrent to animals who sought to eat the fruit. I now believe that the spines were the least of our worries.

Besides its hardiness and unclimbable trunk, the most noteworthy feature of the sandbox tree is its method of seed dispersal. The tree produces a number of small round fruits that explode once sufficiently ripened. Although the fruits are only a few inches long and around, they can launch seeds at up to 160 mph, spreading them out over 300’. A remarkable feat, but one that didn’t concern us since we had no intention to produce Hura crepitans fruit. As you know genetics is a complex science and our subjects rarely cooperate. It appears now that a couple of unexpected issues have combined into a perfect storm with the King coconut.

First, the nitrogen fixing bacteria have not stayed in the frond nodules but have moved inside the fruits themselves. I believe once inside the coconuts they are producing potentially dangerous amounts of nitrogen compounds. I don’t know yet which compounds or to what concentration because I’ve had less than 24 hours to investigate the issue. Normally this might not be a problem but another key structural feature inside the fruits have made it dangerous.

Somehow the coconuts have gained the same explosive dehiscence features of the sandbox fruit. Because the fruits are many times larger and wrapped in an additional meso and endocarp layer, the explosive power is far greater. So much greater in fact, that I believe the “attack” yesterday was actually the result of some of these fruits ripening and exploding. It is my belief that the pressure inside the fruit during the dispersal process is acting like a fire piston and reacting with the excess nitrogen compounds inside.

I’ve only been able to experiment with a few very young coconuts inside the lab as I didn’t want to raise suspicions. Even those immature fruits produced violent reactions when struck with sufficient force. I can’t begin to guess at the force produced by a mature fruit, but I believe it is clearly enough to take a life.

Considering the Kükenroot fiasco last summer, I assumed you’d have concerns about negative press coverage and morale. The employee caught in the explosion was an intern, so rest assured that our work flow should be uninterrupted. Also, he is from the mainland so his family is far away and unlikely to pry. I would be open to continuing my research, giving you some time to come up with a messaging strategy before releasing my findings. I’d also be happy to pass on my notes and samples to someone in the biological defense division. What would you suggest I do from here?

At this point I don’t believe the King coconut is usable for my purposes and would be happy to hand the project off. I certainly don’t have a problem with continuing the Gaia Guard narrative. They have undoubtedly been responsible for at least one of the unsolved break-ins here over the years. With their history of bombing attacks on the island, everyone seems happy to believe in their culpability. As far as I’m concerned we were overdue for a security overhaul here anyway. I look forward to your thoughts.

STORYLINE

Researchers Working On Method to “Clone” Your Favorite Meal

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Most people have a favorite meal or a food they crave. Surveys have shown that the average diner chooses one of four regular options 90% of the time they go out to eat. While the number of our favorites may be small, their tastes can vary widely depending on many things such as: method of cooking, initial seasoning, and quality of product. The truth is not every T-bone tastes the same; but what if there were a way to save parts of a perfectly prepared meal, and have it duplicated exactly to your liking? According to biologist and food science researcher Thomas Mencken, that tasty dream may soon be a reality.

Son-in-law to Lahaina meat mogul Bob Abramo, Thomas says that he has always had a passion for pushing the boundaries of food science. “You don’t marry Bob Abramo’s daughter without having a serious love of all things grilled or broiled,” he says. In fact, it was his wedding cake that inspired his latest research.

“Like many couples we put part of our cake in the freezer after our wedding. We were so excited to share another wonderful bite together on our one year anniversary, that we could hardly wait for it to thaw. I remember the look in Brandi’s eyes when I fed her the first piece. That twinkle went flat, and the smile left her face as she struggled to chew. Then I took a bite. It was like chewing on a sponge. All the moisture was gone and the frosting was disgusting. Our memento of that day had turned into a crumbling nightmare. It was then that I knew we had to find a way to reproduce those special foods, and make them taste exactly the way we remembered them.”

With the help of his Vereserum partners that is what Thomas is doing. The researchers have devised a method to drape a stem cell matrix over organic latticing, to rapidly “grow” clones of food samples. The idea is that people would be able to save representative parts of a good meal, and have that meal reproduced exactly whenever they wish. Although the process is currently very expensive and it takes a few hours to grow a 10 oz. ribeye, Abramo Holdings spokesperson Brandi Essen says she is confident that customers will be able to eat cloned meals in her father’s chop house in the near future.

“While it’s true that these cloned meals taste like a million dollars, we’re trying to slightly lower their million dollar price tag. Our research is really cooking though, and I’m sure we’ll have figured out a way to make these meals faster soon, even if it may be awhile before they’re on the specials menu. Food holds a unique place in all of our hearts. There’s no denying that the smell of freshly baked bread, or bacon frying in a pan holds good memories for many of us. Pictures and videos may give you a glimpse of the past, but nothing satisfies your nostalgic cravings like a meal prepared just like your grandmother would make it. That’s what this work is about. Making the meals of your lifetime over and over again.

Whether it’s: facial recognition ordering, feeding Lahaina’s homebound, or providing free-range, 100% organic heart valves to patients, Abramo Holdings is always pushing the boundaries of food science. With the help of our Vereserum partners I’m sure that we’ll be able to offer these special memories on a plate very soon.”

Famed botanist and Vereserum’s Head of research Dr. Adler Walters admits that he was initially skeptical about the prospect of cloning meals for high-end clients, but is now excited about the possibilities the technology holds. “We’re basically making Nuuskin booths for meals,” he says.

“I’ve devoted most of my life to solving the global food crisis. Be it plants resistant to virtually all fungal and phytoplasmal infections, like the King Coconut or creating a comprehensive growable food source like the Kukenroot, my work has been focused on helping those most in need. You can imagine my surprise when I was told that the company wanted me to spend my precious time on cloning steaks for Lahaina’s rich and famous. It’s safe to say that my initial reaction was not a positive one. However, once Thomas explained his vision to me, and I saw the size of the check Abramo Holdings had donated to the research, I began to see its potential. I am confident that in the near future we will be able to produce life sustaining meals in the lab for food vulnerable populations, and maybe even recreate someone’s favorite fancy diner.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Advertiser Corrections & Clarifications

The Lahaina Advertiser is committed to bringing you news and content that informs, engages, and entertains. We pride ourselves with holding the highest editorial and journalistic standards, delivering to our readers accurate, impartial, and timely stories. However, mistakes are sometimes made. When errors are brought to our attention, we seek to publish corrections and clarifications promptly and transparently. This page brings together in one place all of the corrections and clarifications made to The Lahaina Advertiser across print and digital platforms, whether as a result of complaints or further developments in a story.

April 24, 2050

  • This Mutant Crayfish Clones Itself, and It’s Taking Over Maui


An earlier version of this story misspelled the scientific name for the Red Swamp Crayfish. It is Procambarus clarkii, not Procambarus clak. Also, we have been informed that the crayfish in question does not have the ability to clone itself, and was introduced in 1923, contrary to our assertion that its presence is a mystery. Hula Noodle owner Ralph Umeke did want us to stress that the clarkii are “nasty” and nearly inedible, even with copious handfuls of garlic.

  • Randy Wilcox, Trailblazing Reality TV and Streaming Star, Dies at 46


Although seriously injured, Randy Wilcox is very much alive and recovering in the Lahaina Medical Center. Some of our readers also took issue with calling Mr. Wilcox a “star” or even “Mr.”, the latter of which is a requirement of our manual on style.

April 25, 2050

  • Veilcorp Studies Security Policies and Sees “Little Risk” to Bottom Line


An earlier version of this story misstated the portion of Veilcorp’s business that the company estimates would be affected by stricter global security policies. A spokesperson for Veilcorp says the company’s internal security protocols already exceed the measures proposed, and would not affect operations at all.

April 26, 2050

  • Hailoha Defends New Sea Service


We had mistakenly reported that Mayor Albert Cravalho had no comment on the matter. However, he had actually called for a closer look into the business, and threatened to shut down the water-based ride share service.

  • Six Films to Stream if You Loved “Veil of Terror: A Bride’s Nightmare”


Many of you suggested that Veil of Terror stands alone as one of the worst movies ever made. Readers suggested that the jerky camera work, ham-handed storyline, and actors taking on more than one role, made the film unlike any other, and trying to attach some similarity to six other films was not fair. On further review, we agreed and removed the story altogether. One of the complaints was in Esperanto, and went unresponded to.

  • What Cameras On Monk Seals Show Us: It’s Tough Out There


An earlier version of this article misstated the amount of weight lost by some seals in the study. The seals that stay around Maui during the summer lost as much as 10 percent of their body mass, not 80 percent.

  • A reader tells us that after 31 years of entering the jumble rumble competition, she finally won, only for us to spell her name incorrectly. Congratulations go to Helen Kapua and not Harold Kaper. Apologies Helen.

April 28, 2050

  • PZ Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate Forced Into Apology For Maligning Civil Service


This article was amended after Mrs. Stonegate pointed out that she had in fact not apologized yet, and had no plan to. In addition, an earlier version misnamed the Center for Hawaiian Political Reform as the Center for Hawaiian Political Research.

  • What do Students Really Expect To Learn at the University of Maui Lahaina College?


This article was pulled after it was discovered that Kimberly Hekili, the only individual interviewed, was not a current student but rather had attended the unversity in 2046.

April 29, 2050

  • Hundreds of County Parks Ordered Closed Across Lahaina


We mistakenly said that more than 500 parks have closed in Lahaina since 2034 due to budget cuts. Greg Iona from the DLNR pointed out that there aren’t that many parks on the whole island, and that it was actually trails that were closed. In addition, the number of closed trails since 2034 was 5, not 500.

  • Over 1,100 years later, scientists discover what probably killed the Mayans


This article was amended to correct the spelling of Vindox Ashlidele’s name from Vindix Vagene. It was further amended for historical accuracy. While there is evidence that the Mayans had tobacco and probably smoked it, commercial cigarettes as we know them didn’t exist until the 1800’s. In addition, it is unlikely that there existed a Mesoamerican marketing campaign targeting young Mayans.

April 30, 2050

  • Unpaid internships in Lahaina now cost more than $3,500 a month


This article was amended to clarify that the cost of living in Lahaina was actually 3.5 times higher than the national average and not 2 times higher. In addition an estimated 1,000 graduates will have unpaid internships in a Lahaina business this year, not 10,000.

  • Dr. Adler Walters on the Cutting-Edge Technology of Trees


This article was removed after we were made aware that some of the information Dr. Adler provided is classified, and was supposed to be off the record. We apologize to the doctor, Vereserum, and the United States Government. We ask that readers who happened to see the article, immediately forget any and all details they might have remembered.

  • Abramo Chophouse Provides 20 tons of Burger To Expand “Meat and Greet” Program


We mistakenly identified the 20 tons of meat provided to the Meat and Greet program as “Burger”. Mr. Abramo points out that in fact, 20 tons of “Bob’s Perfect Burger Blend” was provided. He asserts that referring to the blend simply as burger is akin to calling a piece of wagyu beef, jerky. We have made the requested correction in the article.

We regret these and all future errors.

STORYLINE

Oldest Tree In Hawaii Goes Through a Mysterious Growth Spurt

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Since its discovery almost 40 years ago, Okilani an ancient Ohi’a tree on Maui, has fascinated scientists. The massive plant has been estimated to be over 4,000-years-old, making it the oldest known living thing in Hawaii, and one of the oldest living nonclonal trees in the world. But it’s not the tree’s age that has scientists and researchers stumped, it’s Okilani’s recent growth spurt that has them scratching their heads. Over the past 4 years, the venerable tree has grown about 25% bigger.

The Ohi’a tree holds a special place in Hawaiian mythology. According to the stories, Ohi’a and his beautiful lover Lehua grabbed the attention of the volcano goddess Pele. She fell in love with the brave and handsome Ohi’a and approached him, but he rebuffed her advances. Enraged, Pele turned Ohi’a into a tree as punishment. The fair Lehua was devastated that she could no longer be with her true love and began to wail. The other gods heard her cries and took pity on her. They transformed her into a beautiful red flower and placed her upon the tree so the two could be together forever.

Ohi’a trees can grow in a number of difficult locations that other plants can’t. They grow readily on lava and are usually the first plants to spring up after new flows. As such, they are one of the most common trees to find in the forests of Hawaii, but Okilani stood out according to Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) agent Greg Iona.

“In 2010 a fast-moving fungal infection, Ceratocystis fimbriata, was found in Ohi’a trees around Puna. The infection soon spread North across the Big Island and eventually made it’s way to Maui. There was a very real concern that it might wipe out all the Ohi’a trees if it continued to spread. During a survey of the population in Maui, researchers spotted Okilani in the middle of a group of infected trees. It seemed to be fungus-free so they took some samples and that’s when they figured out how just how special it was. Okilani was here at least 1,000 years before the first people were, it has seen the colonization of Hawaii. It was a seedling when people were first figuring out writing. It’s an amazing thing, by far the biggest and oldest Ohi’a tree ever discovered, so there’s lots to learn yet. One of the biggest questions we have is, why did it started growing again 4 years ago?”

A handful of environmentalists say that Okilani’s recent growth is a result of Veilcorp’s Icarus project, increasing worldwide exposure to 127 (Unbiseptium). They say that the element is potentially dangerous and call on government agencies to better regulate its production until long-term studies can be completed. While there have been a number of reports about unusual animal activity in recent years, and even a small group of sea otters that now call Maui home, researchers say that there is no proof that elevated 127 levels are to blame. Vereserum botanist Adler Walters says that there is much yet to learn about the ancient tree and that speculation in useless.

“This amazing organism has so much to teach us that I don’t know why people are wasting their time on wild speculation. Unlike Yew trees or the Glass Sponge, the Ohi’a tree is not a species known for its extraordinary longevity, yet Okilani is one of the oldest living things on the planet. It was found to have a natural resistance to the fungal infection that nearly wiped out the rest of its kind and that’s just the beginning. I believe that it may help us learn more about combating diseases and the effects of climate change. Its sudden and rapid growth during this late stage in life may be perfectly natural. This is such an unusual specimen that we just can’t say what is “normal”. The only thing that is certain, is that Okilani is a fascinating organism that needs a much more thorough examination.”

Not everyone thinks that more study is necessary however. Preservation Zone Compliance Liaison Elizabeth Stonegate doesn’t see what the big deal is and is trying to limit the amount of people allowed to visit the protected area where Okilani grows. “I understand that the tree is very old but so what? It’s not like it can pass on any wisdom or tell you where the best place to have dinner is. I’m not even sure how they know that it’s getting taller. I read that the tree is supposed to be over 150 feet tall now and I thought, ‘How do they know?’ Do they make someone climb up to the top and measure it? I just had my countertops replaced and the contractors couldn’t even correctly measure 8 feet with a laser, I can’t imagine how off they’d be trying to measure something outside. It all seems like a whole lot of fuss about nothing. All I know is that my phone has been ringing off the hook lately. Most of my time is being spent going over scientific study applications instead of measuring the lengths of driveways around the zone, and ensuring that hikers aren’t walking down trails with prohibited toothpastes in their packs. I have important work to do that matters. I would encourage scientists to got to one of the many other places in the world where tall trees grow for their research and stop bothering my office with permit requests.”

STORYLINE

We Need To Find Our Lost Kükenroot Seedlings

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This is my 4th communication with you about this issue and frankly, we are sick of getting the runaround. Again, I’m writing on behalf of Dr. Adler Walters about shipment VAW-235-3946. We had sent 4 sheets of seedlings for contribution into your Progress Repository and you say that you only received 3. At this point, we are not interested in assigning blame or making a claim for damages. We simply want to find the Kükenroot (KR) seedlings and make sure that their spicy buffalo goodness is secured for future generations by inclusion in the repository. These plants are very hardy and can be incredibly invasive. It is in everyone’s best interest that they are found quickly.

You’ve no doubt heard about Dr. Walters and his accomplishments. Despite the recent unpleasantness, we believe that his work has the potential to end worldwide hunger. The fact that the KR was accepted into your program should tell you everything you need to know about its importance.

The Doctor’s work at Vereserum is well known and our gardens here in Lahaina have been the subject of numerous documentaries and news reports. His ability to combine animal DNA with plants to produce viable crops is groundbreaking. The Kükenroot is the world’s first complete food source. The starchy bulb contains a daily allowance of vitamins and minerals and is a reasonable potato alternative. The meaty wing-like pods contain high levels of protein and B vitamins. Best of all the plants can be grown anywhere, and are 127 (Unbiseptium) sequestering. In fact, the root systems have been shown to actually pull the element out of the soil and store it in nodules. In nutrient-poor areas, the plants could get several months of food by slipping one of our booster pellets into the KR’s supplement canal. Hungry people could grow these plants in gravel if they had a bag of booster pellets. It was certain that we were on the verge of a farming revolution, then the trouble began.

I won’t say the Kükenroot was perfect. Some people had a problem with the color and consistency of the pods. I will admit that the “meat” produced in early strains could be a bit soft and stringy. However, we made some adjustments and not only improved the general appearance to make it more wing-like, but also improved the texture. While early focus groups expressed a certain “yuck-factor” with eating greenish meat, even if it tasted like buffalo chicken, we believed that familiarity with the product would solve the problem. In fact, we proved that 8 in 10 people in a blind taste test could not tell the difference between a KR “wing” and a traditional buffalo wing. The flavor was never an issue. There was also the complication of aphids clogging the supplement canals, but again, that was an easy fix. It was the media hit job that shelved our project.

“Questionable Science: Vereserum’s Feeling Fruit” was such an ill-informed and nasty bit of writing that we thought it would never catch on, but we were wrong. They completely overstated the extent to which our hybrids could respond to stimuli, and their capability to feel pain. They lied about the noises produced by the supplement canals due to digestive processes. I can assure you that the KR’s do not “hum” in happiness when fed or “cry” when the pods are picked. It seemed like we couldn’t get a media win until we were contacted about donating some samples to your Progress Repository.

Being recognized by a company as big as Veilcorp began to turn the tide for us. Having the Kükenroot identified as an important step in farming technology was a big shot in the arm. To think that Dr. Walters’ work would be part of the collection at your arctic facility was amazing. Alongside vitamin-producing rice, and seedless fruit, the Kükenroot would take its place among some of the most important modified plants in history. If anything cataclysmic happened to the Earth, survivors could not just grow plants, but plants that had already gone through years of scientific study and innovation. That’s why it’s so important that we find this missing tray.

The last thing we need is for news to get out that our much-maligned plants were lost in the veil. As I mentioned before, the KR can spread rather quickly and we have some concerns about someone planting them in their garden and having them take over a whole neighborhood. We need to get ahead of this problem!

I’ve heard numerous excuses at this point: An unusually strong storm might have affected the transport, that increased 127 production has made the system “glitchy”, and that we simply counted wrong. It would be ludicrous to say that we’ve never made a clerical error before, but I assure you, we can keep track of 4 items. The problem is that you don’t seem to have that same capability. I’m sure you don’t want stories circulating in the public that weather and an abundance of fuel might make veil travel less than reliable. All we want is for you to find our plants so we can give the media a different tale to tell, and have a happy ending to this story.

Brian Talsma
Assistant to Dr. Walters
Vereserum Labs, Lahaina

STORYLINE

Drilling Crew Discovers 600-Year-Old Poi In Ancient Kitchen

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A drilling crew working in Western Maui made an amazing discovery, when they uncovered an ancient food preparation site, and over a dozen containers of poi. Held in handmade wooden vessels, the Hawaiian staple is thought to be over 600-years-old. While it is not unheard of to find ancient foodstuffs, it is extremely rare. Researchers say the amazingly well preserved poi is the oldest ever discovered, and the kitchen should yield valuable information about the life of ancient Hawaiians.

Last month, a Creek Propulsion’s crew was busy surveying an area as a possible geothermal well site, when they noticed bits of worked wood and bark cloth stuck in one of their drill bits. After some digging, the team discovered a wooden container filled with a solid purplish substance, and called experts at the University of Maui Lahaina College. A team from the college soon established that the site was part of an ancient kitchen, but it wasn’t until yesterday that the purple substance was identified. According to a Vereserum lab analysis, the substance found in 13 wooden pots was the world’s oldest poi.

“To be honest I’m not a big fan. To me all poi tastes like it is 600-years-old, but I’m sure whoever made this batch knew what they were doing,” says Chris Treadwell, Creek Propulsion’s Senior Vice President of Supply, Distribution, and Planning. “I’m proud of our team for having a sharp eye, and helping preserve this window into ancient Hawaiian life.” Chris says they turned over the site to Hawaiian officials and the university, but he remains in awe of the craftsmanship of the artifacts. “As an engineer I can appreciate the precision required to make these storage containers. You couldn’t just buy a bowl with a lid, or cling film when these people lived. If you wanted to store something, you had to make your own vessel. Whoever made these containers was extremely talented, the lids were perfectly air tight. It just goes to show you what someone with the time, and eye, can do with a set of basic tools.”

While Treadwill can’t speak highly enough about the craftsmanship of the ancient prep cooks, many others have expressed interest in the fruits, or in this case, poi, of their labor. A bidding war of sorts has begun this morning with Vereserum, the Lahaina Heritage Museum, the Office of Hawaiian Culture (OHC), and even Bob Abramo trying to get some of the ancient luau favorite.

“Most of my work revolves around agricultural and food sustainability, and this ancient poi may provide valuable information,” says Vereserum’s Head of research Dr. Adler Walters. “This poi predates Captain Cook’s visit by almost 400 years, and offers a glimpse at the nutritional value of the plants, and the climate before the beginning of the industrial revolution. Taro, the main ingredient in poi, has been grown in rich, volcanic soil for hundreds of years. This has led to the microbes living inside it to become highly heat and acid-resistant, making poi one of the best probiotic foods available. In fact, poi has significantly more beneficial bacteria per gram than yogurt. This poi may be the key to solving a number of common digestive problems and diseases, including food allergies, and infants suffering from failure to thrive syndrome. Our work on the Kukenroot plant has the potential to wipe out famine world-wide, and I believe study of any cultures that are still active in this poi, may be just as vital. Imagine if instead of making poi, you could just buy a taro root already mashed perfectly inside, and eating it would protect you from any stomach bug or malady. That is the potential sitting inside those old wooden bowls. We hope the State will give us access to this incredible find.”

Brandi Essen, Operations Manager of Abramo Holdings LLC., on the other hand, wants the poi for different reasons. “We want to serve it to people,” she says.

“You have to stay one step ahead of the competition in every business. That is especially true in the restaurant game. For some time we have been exploring the idea of a high-end Paleo feast concept, and this ancient poi would be the perfect side dish. We’re not talking about serving up a Komodo dragon on a platter, we’re talking about taking advantage of what the climate is making available to us. With worldwide temperatures climbing every year, more and more permafrost is thawing, and giving up well preserved ancient animals. It is only a matter of time before one is discovered that has enough meat on its bones to eat.

For years people believed that the Explorers Club served a mammoth found on Akutan Island, at their 47th annual dinner. It was the talk of the town at the time, and for over 50 years after the famous meal. While DNA analysis of a bit of the meat preserved by a guest, proved that the meal was actually green sea turtle, the idea of eating an ancient animal struck a chord with the public. Imagine if we could find active cultures in this poi, and use them to make more. Imagine the taste of a vinegar or fermented sauce made from this ancient food. Imagine the line around the block we’d have if we could offer people a true taste of our Hawaiian ancestors. You can’t put a price, or a freshness date on something like that.”

STORYLINE

HealthCare Professionals and Parent Groups Start Petition Seeking Ban on Taste-T App

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Taste-T, the app designed to help you like the taste of foods you normally don’t care for, may be the biggest Ceremplant hit of the year, but not everyone is singing its praises. A coalition of healthcare professionals and parent groups have started a petition to have the popular app banned, and raise awareness to the “real and serious dangers of using Taste-T.” The app’s creator says the technology is safe, and poses no danger when used as released. Ceremplant officials say they are looking into the matter.

Alex James is no stranger to ceremplant users. His “Emotional Compass” (EC) app took the Ceremplant world by storm back in 2034, and still remains one of the most popular apps for users of the ubiquitous implants. Taste-T has sold twice as fast as EC in its first year. “I got the idea from my nephew who famously hates the taste of peppers. He wouldn’t touch anything with peppers in it, no matter how delicious. I wondered how hard it would be to train someone to associate a flavor they didn’t like with a flavor they did. I started investigating if you could transform a “bad flavor” reaction in the brain with a “good flavor” reaction, targeting specific areas with electrical stimulation. I learned quickly that there wasn’t much scientific study done in the area. If it wasn’t for the amazing work of Dr. Adler Walters, I’d still be working on the software. His discoveries about how the brain responds to taste, while working on the kükenroot, and his database of compounds found in edible plants, was vital to the development of Taste-T.”

Taste-T transforms the brain’s response to an unliked food to one that a user finds delicious, over the course of a few days. Once properly calibrated, the taste of every food can be your favorite. With record sales it looked like Taste-T was well on its way to be the most popular app ever made for the Ceremplant. However, users began to exploit an unfortunate flaw in the program, which allowed users to greatly enhance the brain’s pleasure response to certain flavors.

Soon, many were using “enhanced” versions of the app. Healthcare professionals say that using the enhanced version of Taste-T can be dangerous. While most experience a mild euphoria, a sense of relaxation, or an altered perception of time when tasting specific foods, many can experience much more drastic effects when eating certain items, particularly with first time users. Instead of relaxation and euphoria, some users can experience aggresiveness (asparagus), fear (tuna), or feelings of distrust (SSHAM). In extreme cases the altered app can lead to long-lasting disorders or even permanent rewiring of the brain according to some in the medical community. While Alex has since upgraded Taste-T to disable the exploit, parent groups say that it is easy enough to rollback the software to an earlier version if you know where to look. They say the potential for abuse is too high, and they want the app pulled from stores.

Well known Lahaina restaurateur and business owner Bob Abramo has banned anyone using the app from dining in his famous Chop House. “I take the art of grilling and preparing meat seriously, and want customers who appreciate the true taste of our offerings. Meat tastes good without the use of Taste-T, although I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little intrigued. I bet you could even make people taste like cured pork belly with the app, if you wanted.”

“It’s the kind of thing you think only happens to other families, not your own,” says one of the most vocal critics of Taste-T, 40-year-old mother Brenda Ronner. “My son Max never liked the taste of onions. It wasn’t an issue when he was younger, but as he grew up it started to become a real problem. Just about everything has onions in it, and he’d spend hours a week meticulously picking them out of food. We had to avoid certain restaurants all together because of their limited onion-free options. On his 12th birthday his father and I decided to finally do something about it, and get him the Taste-T app.” Brenda says it was one of the worst decisions of her life.

“Everything seemed fine for a few weeks. We went through the calibration phase, and soon he was loving the taste of: onions, shallots, chives, leeks, and even garlic. Our food options and future seemed wide open, but Max started hanging around with a bad crowd at school, biohacker Taste-T vegetarian kids with wifi studs in their foreheads, and LED eyebrows. His grades began to slip, and I started noticing onion skins in his room, but I didn’t think much of it at the time. Then he was caught trying to steal a head of garlic from the store, and the truth came out. Those kids had done something to his app, and he had been on a tasting binge for months. We took him to the doctor, and applied the upgrade. I thought I had my old Max back again, but I was wrong. A few weeks later, I came home early, and heard music blaring from his room. I could smell the onions halfway up the stairs, despite the towel he had put at the bottom of his door. What I saw will be burned into my mind forever. The reggae music was deafening, and there were half-chewed leeks everywhere. I even found a shallot in his underwear drawer. He was sitting in his chair with his eyes rolled back in his head, licking the biggest vidalia onion I’d ever seen. He was so out of it, he barely moved when I screamed his name. I want to save other mothers from seeing their sons like that.”

Brenda says they’ve had to enroll Max into an institutional learning facility equipped to deal with the issues caused by his Taste-T app, and she is not alone. Hundreds have claimed to have similar experiences to the Ronners, and many healthcare professionals say the potential for harm is high for those using the app. Ceremplant says they take their customer’s health and well-being seriously, and will address the petition after a thorough review of Taste-T, and their third party app policy.

STORYLINE

Veilcorp Debuts “Potato Day” Campaign

It’s been called childish, inane, banal, senseless, and ridiculous by some, but many travelers look forward to Veilcorp’s April 1st marketing campaign every year. The company’s unique annual announcements have become a much loved company tradition, even though a few complain that the campaigns make the 1st the worst day to travel. This year was no different. At midnight in Lahaina the company made their announcement, and customers could smell the spud in the water, Veilcorp would be celebrating “Potato Day” for the next 24 hours.

Veilcorp has a long history of promoting Lahaina innovation and special events says Brie Howard, VP of special projects and strategic growth.

“Veilad pioneered one of the most popular electric vehicle charging campaigns in the world. With the help of our sponsored-species partners, the Duracave elephant herd remains viable and happy, and Womanimal nearly saved the wild cheetah population from extinction. The company has given a young man born in the Lahaina station free travel for life, and offered the public some of the most advanced facial recognition software available. However, I think Potato Day is special. Smashed, whipped, baked, sauteed, grilled, boiled, or fried, the noble potato is almost as versatile as Veilcorp itself. The tater has spread across the world, connecting cultures and people, a perfect metaphor for what we strive for every day at Veilcorp. Immediately upon reaching their destinations, customers will see a sign that says, ‘Caution: Incoming Potato’ and our special gravity fed delivery system will drop a potato. This will be the first integration of such a system ever with our veil technology, making the whole process very exciting.”

In addition to their complementary potato, Veilcorp customers will be able to enjoy special potato oriented events unique to their location. According to a press release, the Lahaina station will feature seminars from world famous botanist Adler Walters, who will describe the tuber’s importance in history. “First cultivated by the Inca people around 8,000 BC, the Conquistadors discovered the flavor of roasted potatoes when they conquered Peru. To put it simply, they were blown away, and brought the new food to Europe. The new crop was easy to grow and very nutritious. A superb source of vitamin B6, vitamin C, potassium, copper, manganese, phosphorus, niacin, dietary fiber, and pantothenic acid, with antioxidant qualities, the potato can be considered a super-food. They were worth almost as much as gold during the Alaskan gold rush, and became the first vegetable grown in space, when NASA successfully grew them back in October, 1995. It is now one of the most popular crops on the planet…. The potato is a traveler and a pioneer, just like Veilcorp.”

Reactions to the Potato Day campaign have been mixed so far. Some food security experts have called it wasteful and short-sighted. Advocate Kimberly Hekili says, “If Veilcorp spent as much time and money trying to end hunger as it does being “quirky” once a year, thousands of kids wouldn’t have to worry about where their next meal is coming from.” Numerous online auctions are already up, offering a hungry public a chance to own a Veilcorp potato. With prices soaring as high as $5000, there’s no doubt that these potatoes are hot.

COO Lisa Hunt says she stands behind the company’s Potato Day offering. “There’s nothing like having a potato around in case of an emergency,” she says.

“Not all marketing campaigns are created equal, but I think it’s fair to say that we hit it out of the park this time. I’ve been assured by our London station that everyone is having a spuddy good time with the new promotion. We’re including a voucher with every potato, redeemable for preparation and cooking at thousands of participating restaurants across the globe. We want to make sure even our busiest travelers get a chance to enjoy the starchy goodness we’re handing out today.”

Hunt says the promotion will continue while supplies last, and hopes that everyone appreciates the pilgrimage of the potato across the globe, and their own journey as well.