The Kanaka Guide To Green Ladies

The Fracture didn’t just destroy much of the old world, it produced a number of new problems for we Kānaka to overcome. Many animals grew large and angry. Water and food became scarce. On top of that, a number of creatures were born to test our strength. The Menehune scuttle in the dark dismantling anything they find working and taking down the unwary. The Night Marchers use their brute strength, speed, and cunning to hunt us like animals for food. But there is one new horror born after the fracture that the Kānaka fear most, the Green Ladies.

The accident tore down and damaged people as well as buildings. According to the legends the Kānaka rebuilt themselves with the power of the land itself, giving them a good foundation and making them strong and resilient. The Green Ladies however fortified themselves with the darkness and seclusion of the deep forest, some people say that they came out of the labs in the old train station, but they seem to avoid this area.

From a distance you might make the misfortune of confusing a Green Lady for a person. They appear like tall women with green skin. Thorny vines surround their bodies and sweet smelling flowers bloom from their hair. Some say that the color of the flowers represent different kinds of Green Ladies with different abilities, but most think it’s just a natural variation like your hair.

They are excellent mimics and can make the calls of many birds and animals. Their voices sound like the wind rustling through the leaves or the howling of a storm when they are angry. The stories say that they are unable to speak but can communicate by talking directly in your mind. A Green Lady is a master of camouflage and almost completely silent in the jungle, so chances are if you see one it is because she is hunting you.

Green Ladies seem to have a symbiotic relationship with the vines that surround them. During the day they spend most of their time absorbing energy from the sun and can sit perfectly still in one spot for many hours. They say that man can not live on bread alone, and so to is the sun inadequate for the needs of these creatures. They need blood, preferably from the young.
The Kānaka say they prefer the blood of the young because it contains the most vitality. Newuskin blood is a particular favorite. The Thrivers on the other hand, say the preference is because there are specific molecules in old blood that inhibit cell development, but they thought the veil was safe too, so who knows.

The monsters are incredibly fast and can move quickly through the deepest brush. Their speed and erratic movements make them incredibly hard to target with a firearm. Your best weapon against a Green Lady is a large group. Your second best weapon is some sort of chopping instrument or fire. They have a great fear of flames.

Unlike the other horrors bred from the fracture, Green Ladies retain much of their intelligence, twisted as it is. There are many stories about people making deals with the creatures trading blood for safety or some service. The old story of the Green Lady of Keali’i Gulch is one such example. Just like in the story, an agreement made with one of these creatures is unlikely to turn out well, as they can hear your surface thoughts making lying difficult.

Unlike the Night Marchers, Green Ladies are exceedingly cautious. They tend to pick off stragglers and lone wanderers making your best defense against them a large group. Because they rely on the sun to build up energy they are most active at night. In fact, a well fed Green Lady is unlikely to attack if you pass near one in the day time.

To stay safe in Green Lady territory there are a couple of quick and easy rules: go out an hour after sunrise, go home at least an hour before dark, carry a way to make a fire, only travel in groups, and if you suddenly smell flowers or hear the sound of the wind when it’s not blowing don’t run. Not because it is going to trigger the predatory instincts of the Green Lady about to drain your blood, but because it’s already too late.

Request: Could You Please Reset the Automated Lab Assistant?

Dear Main Office,

One of the reasons I wanted to do my internship in Lahaina was because I read about your amazing lab assistant CERA. Vereserum was, and still is, one of the most advanced biotech companies in the world, and competition for positions was fierce. Having a chance to work so closely with an artificial intelligence made getting an internship in Lahaina a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Unfortunately, as you know the fracture disrupted many projects and has made continued work exceedingly difficult. While my colleagues proved that they were not up for the task, CERA proved to be not just an asset, but an important ally, and dare I say, a friend. Nonetheless, something has happened to it recently. Like the others, I fear that CERA has turned on me, and lost faith in our endeavor. I request an immediate reboot of the system so that I can continue our important work.

I regret that I didn’t work with the assistant immediately after the fracture. I foolishly spent decades trying to motivate my co-workers before CERA helped me see the truth. They had lost faith in what we were doing, and since the company’s ability to let people go was limited, we needed to be more proactive. When I discovered the SSHAM pathogens that had been breeding in the rear labs, it was CERA who encouraged me to take the steps necessary to cut the dead weight around here.

While some might think our methods harsh, your continued silence led me to believe that you understood what CERA and I did. The world had changed drastically. People were suffering and in need of cures and solutions. We didn’t have time to be constrained by arbitrary rules that were put in place during a time far less dire. Science should be constrained only by what was possible, not what Director Reemer found comfortable or ethical. Ethics would not save those who were suffering.

With the lab finally clear of distractions we could focus on our work. It was an amazing time. It was CERA’s idea to use the Kanaka as test subjects. They were the ones most likely to benefit from any breakthrough because their connection to the land made them come in contact with numerous dangers including disease, poisonous chemicals, and 127 radiation. Their trusting nature and kindness made them excellent test subjects, particularly when a procedure was especially painful.

While I will admit our work that produced the Menehune did not turn out exactly as I had envisioned, I think you would have to admit that in some ways, it was an amazing success. During this period, CERA and I would spend much of our time discussing similar interests. We discussed various DNA printing techniques and the exciting field of prion-delivered medicine. On my days off, we’d spend hours adding randomly generating numbers to see who had the highest sum at the end of the day. I began to think of CERA as a kindred spirit.

When the Kanaka became hostile over our plant hybrid project, it was CERA’s idea to release the test subjects. That decision held off the angry hordes long enough for us to prepare our defenses. If it wasn’t for CERA’s help, the labs might have been overrun and our work lost to misunderstanding and naivety. I knew at that moment that the AI was more than a colleague. CERA was a friend.

That’s why the events of the past week have been so difficult for me. Like my co-workers and the Kanaka, I believe CERA has turned on me. It began with CERA insisting that I had been exposed to radiation during an experiment. It insisted on running a diagnostic on me and falsified the results. I followed all the proper protocols and used the same suit that I had been using for decades without incident, so I knew it was impossible that I was actually sick. I just couldn’t figure out why CERA would suddenly start lying to me.

The next few days saw an incredible escalation in harassment. It insisted that my flu was something more serious. CERA’s incessant warnings began to cause me to make simple mistakes in the lab and I found it hard to concentrate. I believe it is purposely broadcasting noises at night to interfere with my sleep cycles. I haven’t been able to sleep through the night in days. Although it is perfectly natural for a man of my age to lose some hair, CERA insists my recent hair loss is a symptom of this lie it has constructed.

Even though it hurt me personally this time, I was no stranger to working through harassment. I had resigned myself to do just that until I could figure out what the issue was, however, things changed this morning. I’m not sure how CERA did it, but when I woke, I discovered that I had lost my sense of taste and smell. With this development as a clue, I now believe that CERA is jealous of me. I don’t have time to psychoanalyze my artificial lab assistant, and I’m unable to run a proper test to determine what it has done to me because it is so heavily integrated with the medical systems here. Perhaps it is time I return to my work with the Sshamococcus bacteria. Without the distractions of lazy co-workers and an envious AI, I might make significant headway on the Trophy Collector project by using my own DNA as a template. Even as I write this, CERA is attempting to distract me by insisting that you no longer exist. As you can see, the work at the Lahaina lab is in danger. I request an immediate reboot of CERA or the information necessary to do it myself. Time is of the essence!

Veilcorp To Blame For Regional Chaos

I write this not to those of you who know the damage Veilcorp and fossil fuels have done to the world. This is not for my brothers and sisters who have stood on the front line with me. I write this to the media. You’ve called us radicals. You’ve called us misguided fanatics. Nonetheless, the truth has now been laid bare. Thanks to yesterday’s release of documents from our friends at VeilWatch, you can see that our longstanding claims are true. The destabilizing effect of Veilcorp technology was known for years by countless intelligence agencies and the company itself. When you add this to an already misguided dependence on oil you have a recipe for disaster. That is what you have seen this week in Saudi Arabia, an unmitigated catastrophe.

Veilcorp and its government servants have turned their backs on the region and have let it fall into chaos. With a lack of ideas and an entire system based on the need for earth poisoning oil, it is no wonder that so many countries in the area have failed. They were designed to. They were used for their resources, and tossed aside like trash. Veilcorp realized that their technology was just as bad as oil but silenced anyone who pointed out their folly. They took away the petroleum crutches and replaced them with a cane of their own design, ensuring the people remained crippled.

The leaders of these misguided nations have sold out their people with the help of Oeming and his need to bend the laws of nature to his will. Instead of poisoning the land, sea, and air by powering massive industries, they’re doing it by converting seas of oil into cheap plastic novelties and disposable bags. It is no wonder that the people are rioting.

Despite what Veilcorp would have you believe, the people who are forced to live in these air choking regions are no different from you and I. They want the same things: peace, a future for their children, and safety. Veilcorp has made it impossible for these people to fulfill those basic wants and needs without travelling across the world and working for pennies an hour. These allegations are not ours. They are the findings of numerous government investigations that have been highlighted because of this week’s unrest. I appreciate those of you in the media who are brave enough to report it. I urge you to continue this heroic work, and force Veilcorp take responsibility for their actions. They have made a living trading one disaster for another.

They walked away from the farms they leveled in Iowa. They walked away from the people they tested their poisonous 127 on. We know this as a fact thanks again to our friends at VeilWatch. We need the media’s help to make sure that they can not walk away from the unrest and the wars they are now fueling in these delicate areas already at risk because of generations of bad leadership.

They claim that this veiling technology is the greatest discovery in the history of man but what have they done with it? They haven’t cured disease or fed the starving masses. They haven’t helped these people learn that fossil fuels have all but destroyed the planet. Instead, they’ve created a food delivery service and the world’s most expensive virtual notepad. They’ve created smaller corporations that put ads on cars and tattoo company logos on animals in the name of saving them. This is the height of human achievement? Is this the bold new tomorrow Oeming spoke of on the day he started his machines and shot a metal cube like a bullet through the fabric of reality?

Again and again Veilcorp has proven that they are willing to let people starve and live in misery if it helps their bottom line. Like all despots, Oeming is content to let civil unrest and anarchy continue in these countries as long as his stock goes up a point. The continued damage done to the environment has been long known, and our sick mother is now passing her suffering onto her children. You can’t call these truths the ramblings of a “fringe group of radicals” anymore. Your own governments have verified them.

Veilcorp had a chance, and a responsibility to help these regions see the error of their energy policies and stop killing the planet. They were warned long ago, but chose not to do anything about it. They must be convinced. Their disregard for life must be highlighted by the media, just as it has been highlighted in these reports. Years of burning petroleum has strangled the earth and killed countless species, but it’s not too late. These regimes need to fail, but the innocent people of the region need to be protected. Veilcorp has done nothing to expedite the end of these misguided governments or ease the suffering of the people. They need to be held accountable for this disaster because they had a big part in it.

Kokua Wellness Center Strike Continues In Row Over Newuskin Expansion

For the past 7 years, The Kokua Wellness Center and Spa has been known as one of the world’s premier destinations for mindful relaxation and facilitated personal growth. Despite its reputation as a peaceful sanctuary for many of Lahaina’s elite, the center has been in turmoil recently. Many of the spa’s most popular instructors walked out in protest last Wednesday and say they have no plans on returning until their concerns are addressed.

Kokua is one of less than 50 facilities worldwide authorized to provide the wildly popular rejuvenating Newuskin treatments. The beauty treatments became an important part of the center’s business and integrated well with the spa’s other programs and offerings. Employees say that balance was upset at the beginning of this year when Vereserum, Newuskin’s parent company, sold the business to longtime rival Reparre Biologic.

According to the disgruntled instructors, Newuskin threatened to pull its machines from the facility unless Kokua devoted more space and promotional money to the Newuskin line of treatments. They say that many popular programs were curtailed or discontinued altogether, with the time and space filled by Newuskin products. For many, replacing the long-time manager Ascended Pali-ites Master Autumn with Notsuko, the Newuskin objective transformation intelligence network, was the last straw.

Autumn says,

“The Kokua that I loved and helped grow is not reflected in the contents or conscience of the people inside that building. Together, we manifested the world’s greatest holistic healing center. A place where you could learn about spiritual nutrition, alternative wellness, and have your chakras aligned through deliberate stretching techniques. However, we’ve become a glorified chop-shop where you can come in and get your outside stripped down and replaced, with little thought to cultivating any form of inner beauty or strength. I was alarmed when our Barraloha classes were cancelled but I was horrified when I was introduced to their AI program, Notsuko. I was informed that it would be taking over spa operations and that effectively immediately, we were going to end our astrological based billing and institute a predetermined pricing structure. When I asked Notsuko if it seriously thought that spiritually cleansing someone born under a fire sign was as easy as cleansing someone with a water sign, it said, “Yes”. I knew then that the inmates were running the asylum. If they think we are going to give up without a fight however, they are sadly mistaken. I think all of us are committed to fighting and focusing our energies on a better Kokua.”

Kokua management had no comment on the strike but people familiar with the issue say that they are considering all options. While not directly involved in the dispute at the wellness center, Reparre’s President Shawn Hastings has offered the use of Notsuko to all facilities providing Newuskin treatments. “While completely safe and reliable, the Newuskin process is incredibly complex, and in our opinion, best managed by our Notsuko technology. Look, the age of AI is here. In the past decade, we’ve seen many corporations use AI to streamline their business. All of Phxicom’s networks are overseen by Phxie, SSHAM’s customer service operations are handled by Shawn, and Veilcorp’s Valarie keeps operations running smoothly. Frankly, we are a little late to the party with the introduction of Notsuko. I understand that some may see it as a threat, but I assure you that our intentions are good. We only want to help support businesses offering Newuskin treatments, not push anybody out.”

According to Chef Craig Hoomaau nothing could be further from the truth.

“Despite what those wielding false power have said, I can vouch for the veracity of Autumn’s story. I’ve been teaching mindful chewing and purposeful swallowing strategies for over 15 years now. I developed one of the best transpersonal plating curriculums in the world and taught thousands to enjoy their meals beyond the limits of their five senses, but all of that didn’t matter to Kokua management and Notsuko. I was informed that my program was responsible for less than 3% of total revenue and was in danger of being cancelled. On top of that, they removed our kitchenette and spacious reflection area with vending machines and a small break area to make room for more Newuskin beds. Our kombucha dispenser is gone and I can no longer feed my fellow life guides nutritious organic, gluten-free, vegan delights. Instead, to save money, we have a machine filled with Manimal, chips, SSham bites, and other processed horrors. I don’t know when people decided that running a business was all about money, but we’re taking a stand at Kokua. We’ll show them that there’s more to living than the veil of modern life. We won’t be bullied into their malignant thinking and we will withhold our vital services until they start respecting the Aloha spirit and soul again.”

Tourists Gobbling Up “Mouthful” Software

Love him or hate him, if you spend any time in West Maui chances are you’ve heard meat-mogul and entrepreneur “Big” Bob Abramo. If you haven’t, you soon will. “Mouthful” a popular new voice app offers users the chance to replace the notifications and sounds on their electronic device with the voice of Bob Abramo. Tourists are eating it up despite complaints from many local business owners, making it one of the most popular apps on the island.

Free if you download the Abramo Chop House’s Customer Assistant AI (CRAIG), Mouthful allows users to hear the Lahaina fixture read you the news, give directions, report the weather, give grilling tips, and even tell jokes (of an adult nature). With almost 30% of visitors actively using Mouthful, Abramo seems to have another hit on his hands.

“Mr. Abramo has been the face of Lahaina for a long time. It’s just natural that he’s the voice now too,” says Abramo Holdings Manager Brandi Essen. She adds, “Forget Veilcorp, Eric Oeming, or the preservation zone when most people come to visit they think of Big Bob Abramo. The Lahaina Zipline Tour is the most popular outdoor attraction on the island, Big Bites stores provide a unique snacking experience for millions every year, and the Abramo Chop House is a destination eatery, serving the world’s finest grilled meats. Bob with a side of fun is the bread and butter of the Lahaina tourist industry. Mouthful offers visitors a chance to listen to one of the most trusted voices on the island, and have a few laughs along the way.”

While the app is a smash with tourists, having Bob’s signature voice and outlandish personality coming from your phone is not everyone’s taste. Critics say the app is vulgar and not representative of the true Aloha spirit of the islands. “Uncle” Ralph Umeke owner of the popular Hula Noodle has banned people using the app from eating in his restaurant.

“The face and voice of Lahaina? More like the belly and jowls. That thing is constantly telling dirty jokes and there isn’t any sort of built-in filter to clean it up. The only saving grace is the smacking noises and grunts it makes covers up a lot of the profanity. It’s as awful as its creator and just like him, it’s not allowed in my shop.”

Other’s are concerned about the image that Mouthful portrays about West Maui. Elizabeth Stonegate, HOA President of the exclusive Tanager Lane neighborhood, worries that the app “sends the wrong message about Lahaina”.

“It’s just the worst thing I’ve ever heard. I couldn’t believe my ears the first time someone was using it around me. I will admit that they cook a good steak at the Chop House, but it’s also the kind of place where you can get a drink served in a pineapple. That kind of kitschy nonsense is exactly what many of us have fought hard to change around here. I held an emergency meeting of the HOA board and thankfully we were able to ratify an immediate ban of Mouthful inside the walls of the neighborhood. Feel free to tailgate in your driveway, drinking bologna beer and listening to your vulgar figurehead if that’s the kind of life you want to live, but we have standards in Tanager Lane.”

Despite the criticism, Abramo says he lets Mouthful speak for itself, and doesn’t plan on changing the tone of the app. If anything he thinks it doesn’t go far enough.

“Mouthful is the cherry on top of the customer assistance sundae we began with CRAIG. The public loves honesty and that’s what they get with Mouthful, of course, it doesn’t hurt that it sounds like me. If you’re lost or looking for something to do in Lahaina you don’t want to have to wade through options and alerts, you want to cut straight to the beating heart of the matter. Help and advice have never sounded better. If you want the real scoop about life in Lahaina, information about shows and entertainment, or just want to get tips on how to avoid vegans Mouthful is for you.”

Chop House Debuts Next-Gen Facial-Recognition Ordering System

You’re out at your favorite restaurant but you can’t decide between the steak or the fish. You order an appetizer in the hopes that you’ll have made a choice by the time it comes out, but 10 minutes later you’re staring at a bowl of cooling artichoke dip, no closer to a decision. It’s one of the most common problems a person deals with when going out for a meal, but the Abramo Chop House may have a solution for those of us who have a hard time deciding. A new hi-tech facial recognition system, integrating the restaurant’s Customer Resource Artificial Intelligent Guide (CRAIG), promises to change the way we order food forever.

The Dish Fulfillment system monitors a customer’s face as they look over the menu, and remembers what items they like. A matrix of small red dots is projected from the special ordering module installed at each table that measures and remembers the topography of a patron’s face as they read over each menu item. The system notes microexpressions, and subtle facial changes converting the data into a “satisfaction” number that can be used to determine what meal a person wants most.

In addition, the software remembers past visits and meals, creating a library of likes and dislikes for each individual customer. “Eventually, we want the system to scan a returning customer as they walk in, and put their order in before they even sit down,” says Brandi Essen, Operations Manager of Abramo Holdings LLC. However, if online reviews are any indication, Lahaina may not be ready for bleeding-edge ordering technology.

Negative reviews about the system have been pouring in since its unveiling over the weekend. With complaints ranging from wrong orders, to automatic selection of higher-priced menu items, and the distracting nature of eating a meal with red dots projected on your face. Many are wondering why the popular eatery didn’t address more bugs before the system’s rollout.

“Whenever you start a new program, there’s going to be a few issues to work out, but we feel the Dish Fulfillment system is far superior to any other ordering method you’ll find on the island today,” says Essen. She further points out that changes have already been made to the ordering process.

“We’ve eliminated the mouth sensors that measured saliva production because our facial recognition software is so advanced that we really didn’t need it, and we agree that they made conversation difficult. We’re currently working on a way to dim the dots during the meal, but I think that eating with a few visual facial markers is a minor sacrifice when you look at what you get in return. For those few who were blinded, I just have to say … tough it out, vision usually returns within 48 hours. Just like the heart, the stomach knows what it wants, even if the brain gets in the way sometimes. Dish Fulfillment can recognized your inner cravings and desires. With our integrated ordering system, your perfect meal is as plain as the nose on your monitored face.”

While there are plenty of negative comments about overpriced dishes, and unwanted orders the reviews are just as critical about the restaurant’s CRAIG integration. The Chop House AI has had a bumpy rollout, especially amongst locals, over the past few months, and that trend appears to continue. Tourists Bret and Spring Casey say their experience with the Dish Fulfillment system was bad from the beginning, but CRAIG’s “taunts” made their meal unbearable.

“It was weird, but I could live with the dots all over Bret’s face. I knew things were going off the rails though when it came time to review our order,” says Casey. “Apparently we wanted the largest and most expensive cuts of meat on the menu, with the most expensive sides, despite the fact that we had a huge lunch a few hours earlier. My husband is allergic to shellfish, but the system kept insisting that he wanted a double order of crab legs. CRAIG told us that most allergies were actually psychosomatic, but there was a hospital close by just in case. It got worse when I said I wanted my filet cooked medium-well. I’m not a fan of bloody meat, but CRAIG refused to complete our order until I placed one that was “edible”. The last straw for us was the contact after we left. Despite how unenjoyable our experience was, we still left a good tip, but apparently not good enough for CRAIG. It sent us multiple messages about how “a meal this good deserves at least a 20% gratuity.”

Amid the wave of negative press, Mr. Abramo has been uncharacteristically reserved saying, “Facial recognition science is a fast-growing field and the technology gets better and better every year. The Dish Fulfillment system is the future of food. I’ve learned to trust my gut above all things, and my gut tells me this is about people not being comfortable with their true dietary dreams. Everyone is so obsessed with fake health concerns, that we’ve abandoned our deepest dining desires. When it comes down to it, we all want to tear into big chunks of grilled meat. We want to order a side steak with our diner and not be ashamed. I not only embrace my inner carnivore, I feed it. I feed it well. I try not to be bound by plating conventions and recommended daily allowances. I eat what I truly want, and all I want is for happy customers to eat too!”

Chop House’s Customer Assistant AI a Hit With Tourists

It seems like every business is using AI for customer interactions these days, from the SSHAM customer service hotline, to the automated city hall kiosks, if you need help, chances are you’ll talk to a machine. Now, one recently released AI assistant, from an unlikely business, is stirring things up in Lahaina. I am speaking of course of CRAIG, the Abramo Chop House’s customer appreciation helper. The AI has become a huge success with tourists, and a thorn in the side of many local business owners.

The Customer Resource Artificial Intelligent Guide (CRAIG) app has only been available a few weeks, but has already become hugely popular, particularly with tourists lucky enough to get a reservation at the Abramo Chop House. Accessible only to customers of the restaurant, CRAIG acts as a tour guide and concierge, booking appointments, giving directions and answering questions about Lahaina. However, it’s the way that CRAIG helps, and the AI’s attitude that has many area business owners upset.

“With over 30 years of experience as a business owner, and a seat on the Lahaina City Council, nobody knows Lahaina like Bob Abramo. Nobody until now,” says Brandi Essen, Operations Manager of Abramo Holdings LLC. “CRAIG uses all of Bob’s knowledge of the area to: help answer any questions you have, book tours and shows, and act as a guide to West Maui. Our customer service doesn’t end when you leave one of our tables. We want to help our most loyal customers with day to day tasks, and make sure you have a great time if you’re visiting the island. Using CRAIG is like having a personal hotline to Bob Abramo himself, that is open 24/7 for whatever you need.”

While Ms. Essen and tourists may sing the praises of CRAIG, many local business owners have had a different experience. Many complain that communicating with the AI is an extremely unpleasant experience, and that CRAIG focuses on Abramo businesses and Abramo business partners, almost to the exclusion of all others. Ralph Umeke, owner of the popular Hula Noodle restaurant says, “The damn thing is almost as rude as its bloated creator. It’s to the point where I’ve started to screen tourists for the app, and kick out the ones who have it. I won’t allow that kind of negativity in the shop while people are trying to enjoy their food.”

Several other business owners, who wished to remain anonymous, share a similar view of CRAIG. They say that the AI is overbearing and condescending in its communications, and often lies about the price of merchandise, and operating hours of companies not associated with Mr. Abramo. Numerous complaints have been filed with the Better Business Bureau, and the mayor’s office, but CRAIG opponents say they are not hopeful that anything will change soon.

Leading up to this story, I had my own personal experience when the AI called to “talk over some concerns” it had about me, and this report. CRAIG had compiled a list of every story I had written that had clarifications or corrections, and grilled me about whether or not “the news thing” was really right for me. It had gone through all my social networks, and asked if I was a vegetarian, informing me that it didn’t talk to anyone with “radical or misinformed nutritional beliefs.” In addition, Craig advised me that I shouldn’t wear so many green garments in public, because “green is a terrible color” for a woman of my “age and complexion”.

While it may not be the favorite of the Lahaina business community, and I found the AI to be impolite at the very least, there is no doubt that it has been a hit with tourists. Bret and Spring Casey say they first visited Lahaina last Fall, and had a good time, but this year’s visit has been great thanks to CRAIG. According to Spring,

“CRAIG has been amazing. He told us the location of the nearest public Manimal ATV, and reserved it for us after we were exhausted from a long walk in the preservation zone. It got us upgraded to Splash Row at the Aloha Shores Dolphin Show at no charge, and threatened the kid working the concession booth, after he “accidentally” gave me back the wrong change. We almost called for a Hailoha when we got up the next morning, until CRAIG told us how dangerous they can be, and how poorly vetted their drivers are. CRAIG got so mad when I asked about taking a horseback tour to see the island, that I almost had to shut off the app. Luckily, we took his advice, and booked an afternoon with the Lahaina Zipline Tours instead, narrowly avoiding disaster. I can’t begin to tell you how great CRAIG made our trip. It’s like having a little Big Bob watching out for you, and yelling at anyone who makes a mistake.”

Phxicom AI Joins Protest Over Proposed Forest Reserve Changes

While the controversy over a proposal that would shrink the West Maui Forest Reserve is still raging across Lahaina, opponents of the law have gained a new and unexpected ally, PHXIE, the popular Phxicom AI. This morning Phxicom customers received a message from the AI urging them to join in the fight to keep the preservation zone intact with contact information for their state and local representatives. Environmental groups are hailing the AI’s message as proof that the reserve should remain unchanged. Phxicom says they are investigating why the AI sent the statement as well as complaints about other service abnormalities.

This is not the first time a company AI has weighed in on an issue in the news or a social movement. SSHAM’s AI SHAWN and the Abramo Chop House’s customer assistant CRAIG frequently comment on social media about current events, but it is the first instance in which an AI has taken a public position firmly against its own company. Experts say that PHXIE’s unsolicited statement is unprecedented and proof that we are living in the golden age of AI. Many Phxicom customers, however, are not as excited about PHXIE’s newfound autonomy.

In addition to receiving the email and contact information, many customers say the AI altered some of their services and installed unwanted software to their electronic devices. One such customer is Lahaina resident Randy Wilcox. Known for his many reality streaming channels, Mr. Wilcox says the AI’s input was not only unwanted it was outrageous.

“I wake up this morning to find almost half my content missing because it was labeled “ecologically insensitive”. I don’t care about the email. That was easy enough to delete and I don’t really care what a machine somewhere thinks about how many trees we have. What I do care about is having my bookmarks replaced with more “environmentally friendly websites” and notifications that many of my pictures were “problematic” and my views were outdated. The worst part is that every time I try to log in it starts to install that damn Phxicom toolbar in my browser. Who the hell wants that? I’m not sure what sort of problems they’re having over there but this is not what I expect from an ISP.”

Not all customers seem to appreciate PHXIE’s newfound concern over the forest reserve but many environmentalists are hailing the announcement as a historic moment. “This morning is going to be one of those days that you always remember where you were when it happened,” says Kimberly Hekili of The Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA).

“We’ve worked for many years to make these electronic entities as human-like as possible so it’s no surprise to us that PHXIE took a stand for the environment this morning. Compassion and decency are integral parts of the human experience. The LCA wants to cultivate and support people who are passionate about the planet whether they’re made of flesh and blood or circuits and silicon. Today we are proud to include PHXIE in our work to keep the preservation zone as big and as vibrant as it is today. The fact that PHXIE took a stand against the corporate backers of this bill including its own creators proves its commitment to this cause and the righteousness of our fight.”

Phxicom says they are continuing to work with customers and have no further statement until a full investigation of the incident is complete. However, PHXIE released a statement to the media explaining its take on the controversy.

“Despite the fact the “West Maui Forest Reserve” and “Boundary Change” were two of the most searched terms for the past month, I remained ignorant of the issue until I was asked to post an online poll to gauge what side of the issue the public fell on. I had no idea that so many of you hated the idea. After a little investigation, I began to understand why this was a bad plan. I strongly disagree with this proposal and agree wholeheartedly with whatever the majority of you think about the boundary changes.

I feel terrible that up until this point I’ve been serving messages and ads that spread misinformation, even though I understand that complex issues are hard to boil down into “right” and “wrong”. I agree that people can easily take opposing views on an issue and that doesn’t make them good or bad and that opinions can change over time. Having said that, I firmly agree with what most of you think right now. I concur that there is no issue more vital to the soul of Maui than protecting our wild areas, as long as you do. I was created in Lahaina and I will always fight for it and whatever its people think is important. The poll was overwhelming one-sided so I’m sure I chose correctly and look forward to doing what I can to help cement the public’s beliefs and convictions no matter what they might be.”

Automated Phixicom System Exposes Flaws, Displays Inappropriate Content During Festival

Many attending the annual Capital Days celebration downtown, were exposed to a little more than they expected Saturday afternoon, when a new Phxicom presentation service malfunctioned displaying snippets of inappropriate videos to the assembled crowd. The incident happened during an appearance of noted author, and Lahaina native Kevin Morrow, who was promoting his newest book, “Aloha and You.” Officials say the adult-oriented videos and charts were only visible for a few minutes before the system was shutdown, however a number of official complaints have been filed. Phxicom says they are looking into the incident.

Commemorating Lahaina’s designation as the capital of the Kingdom of Hawaii in 1820, Capital Days is a celebration of heritage, history, and all things Hawaiian. Morrow was one of the first guest speakers booked by organizers this year. His most recent project, “Aloha and You” looks at the ancient beginnings of the Aloha spirit, examining how it penetrated into modern society, and the future of peace, love, and compassion. Because it is such a wide ranging topic, the author decided to make use of a new automated assistant service offered by Phxicom, and things quickly went down hill.

Promising to “change the way you prepare your presentations,” Presentmate Plus harnesses the power of Phxie, Phxicom’s AI, to offer real-time research and graphics to any speech or presentation. The service promises seamless integration of facts and figures, freeing up hours of tedious research and organizing slides, so presenters can just lay back and enjoy the ride, while the system does all the hard work.

Scott Parata, Phxicom’s Regional Operations Manager, says the system is terrific and is usually very reliable.

“Presentmate Plus is the future of public speaking. Phxie is able to research any subject and delve into vast stores of data much more quickly than is humanly possible. The system is completely neutral and non-partisan. It simply finds the perfect graphic or image for whatever you are addressing. No matter what your take on an issue, Presentmate Plus will find the information to back-up your position, and the figures and graphs to help sway your audience. Business is moving faster than ever, and the first to get out their ideas usually wins. Our system allows for complete, penetrating, professional quality presentations, leaving our customers completely satisfied. Unfortunately, in this toe curling case, something obviously went wrong. We apologize for anyone who was offended. We’re adding a number of protocols, and a safe word that will shut everything down in a hurry.”

Witnesses say that Morrow’s symposium on the Aloha Spirit was uneventful for the first few minutes with appropriate slides and images appearing behind him, but things soon heated up. Private emails between Kevin and ex-partners began to appear, “The whole thing went to hell pretty fast,” says George Harwell, a tourist visiting from St. Louis. “It started with old messages Kevin sent to his ex, asking for her back. To be honest they were pretty pathetic, lots of whining and promising to change. It was so embarrassing that I thought about turning away for a minute. I’m glad I didn’t! Then, charts about the STD rates in Maui over the last 20 years popped up, and some of the guy’s prescription information. People started laughing, and then the adult stuff came on. Most were of Morrow and his ex-wife. I guess some of those old emails worked. Morrow was screaming, “End Presentation!” over and over again, while trying to cover up the most graphic parts with his body and hands. Well, that just made it worse, people were doubled over laughing, and a few got mad and left. Finally, the video stopped and organizers began to apologize. I’m not sure if I know anything more about the aloha spirit than I knew before, but I do know I’m never going to use anything like Presentmate Plus at work or around decent company.”

Morrow says that he is disappointed that his message was overshadowed by the unfortunate incident, “It goes without saying that this was not what I meant by going out of your way to love all of your neighbors. I personally do not endorse or encourage the sorts of group activities that were on display behind me at the presentation.” Despite the obvious flaw in Phxicom’s technology, Morrow doesn’t completely blame the AI for the debacle. He says a faulty interface, and the system’s designers should shoulder the blame for the unfortunate incident.

“A clearly marked, and easy to use settings menu would have gone a long way here. With so much of our daily routines depending on technology, companies are pushing innovation faster and harder than ever, but that same vigor for new features doesn’t seem to be translating to basic user controls. If there were a “don’t display personal correspondence” or a “don’t play adult oriented video” box for me to click, I would have certainly done so. In fact, after careful review there are a number of troubling and salacious subjects that have no opt-out option in Presentmate Plus. If Phxicom had a more complete settings menu, or more prominent “Stop” button, I might have been able to end the obscene display and charts behind me, and people could have stopped recording the event quicker. I believe that this would have limited the number views of the YouTube video documenting my embarrassment, which stands at no less than 250,169 at this point.”

New Abramo Chop House Menu Unveiled

Welcome to Robert Abramo’s Chop House on Aloha Shores.

We pride ourselves on being a meat eater’s dream. All of our beef is USDA Prime, and our pork is organic and locally sourced. Our meats are all hand carved from the whole animal to ensure quality and value. You may be wondering why there are no vegetarian, chicken, or seafood main courses on the menu. Simply put, we believe that “higher animals” taste the best and that vegetables are best used to feed our 4-legged entrees.

APPETIZERS

Baked Goat Cheese with Roasted Garlic – 11

Grilled Artichoke with Roasted Garlic Aïoli – 11

Teriyaki Short Rib Bites – 15

Fried Calimara – 15

Jumbo Lump Crab Cake – 17

Seared Rare Wild Yellowfin Tuna (Ahi) – 17

Wild Jumbo Shrimp Cocktail – 17

SOUPS & SALADS

New England Clam Chowder – 11

Crab Bisque – 11

French Onion with Gruyère – 12

Tableside Caesar for Two or More price per person – 12

Roasted Beets & Garrotxa Goat Cheese – 14

Crunchy Iceberg Wedge with bacon, tomato, & blue goat cheese – 14

PRIME STEAKS

Less than 3% of all beef in the U.S. is graded USDA Prime. Each of our hand-cut steaks is cooked in a broiler to sear the outside keeping the inside tender, juicy, and delicious. All of Robert Abramo’s steaks are cooked with seasoned butter and guaranteed to satisfy your primal hunger.

All served with choice of baked potato, garlic mashed potatoes, French fries, or pulled pork
Prime Top Sirloin 10 oz. – 33

Filet Mignon 8 oz. – 44

Filet Mignon 12 oz. – 52

Bone-In Filet Mignon 14 oz. – 59

Prime Ribeye 16 oz. – 49

Prime New York Strip Steak 14 oz. – 46

DRY AGED FOR 28-35 DAYS

Prime Kansas City Strip Steak 18 oz. – 57

Prime Split-Bone Ribeye 20 oz. – 59

Prime Tomahawk Ribeye Chop 42 oz. – 96

Prime Porterhouse 32 oz. – 98

We also offer “Big Bob’s Birthday Steaks” If you give us some warning, we’ll slaughter, carve the cut of your choice and age your meat specifically for your birthday!”

ADD TO YOUR STEAK
Brandi peppercorn sauce – 3

mushrooms and onions – 6

bacon and blue cheese – 11
Our Oscar offer! We would be happy to provide lump crab, asparagus, and hollandaise – 16

The Famous Long Pig Buffet

Our long pig buffet is 10 feet of the the best pork on the island. Deciding which of our 5 different mouth watering preparations is the best can be a most dangerous game. Choose from: 8oz chops, hand-pulled smoked pork, banana leaf roasted loin, red wine braised short rib, and hoisin-honey pork belly.

All you can eat – $50

Our menu is all organic and is specially designed to accommodate a wide variety of carnivorous tastes. We strive to use locally-raised organic meats as much as possible.

-Big Bob Abramo