STORYLINE

University of Maui Lahaina College To Host Free Drone Boot Camp

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So you bought yourself a drone because you thought it’d be fun to fly around. However, despite what the manufacturer promised, piloting one isn’t “a breeze”, it feels more like brain surgery. On top of that, you had no idea there were so many rules and regulations covering their operation. If this story sounds familiar, don’t worry. The University of Maui Lahaina College wants to help. The school will be hosting a free drone boot camp this weekend to teach owners how to safely and legally, fly their drones.

Dean Richard Mahelona says, “Drones aren’t just a fad anymore. They’re almost as common as birds in the sky around Lahaina. We want to help the public learn how to safely use these amazing machines without worry, and without inadvertently breaking any laws. We’ll have a number of experts available at the event to help guide drone owners of all skill levels, and best of all it’s free!”

The boot camp is open to anyone ages 10 or older wanting to learn a wide range of drone related skills including: piloting, maintenance, and regulations. Participants must register online and bring their own drone. The event is limited to 100 participants, but is free, and others are welcome to come and watch. “We just want to make the skies safer for everyone,” says Mahelona.

With the expansion of Glimpsea across the island, and the the creation of the Veil News Network (VNN), more and more companies are turning to drone technology for a number of their needs; but it’s not just businesses filling the skies with drones. The number of private citizens who own a drone has gone up over 200% in the past 10 years. With that increase has come dozens of close-calls, accidents, and complaints as well as a couple of high profile incidents that put lives in danger, most recently one involving a VNN drone. “It’s those kind of incidents that we’re trying to prevent,” says local inventor and boot camp instructor Ano Lee.

“We were all newbs once,” Lee says. “I try and go over more than just the hows and whys in a class. I go over all the real things a droner needs to know before they fly their machines. There are a many things that seem like a ton of fun to first time drone owners, but are actually illegal. I make sure to go over everything that a rookie droner might want to try, but shouldn’t. Things like: chasing birds, delivering beer to underage friends, shredding kites, peeking through windows, crashing into other drones, scaring people at night, or following an ex. Just because something sounds like fun, doesn’t mean you should do it. I just wish there was a program like this when I was first getting interested in drones.”

In addition to technical proficiency, piloting skills, and rules and regulations, Lee says he teaches his students everything they need to know about drone culture. “It may be a fast growing hobby, but it’s still not a huge club,” he says. Ano says that it is as important for people to understand and embrace the drone community, as it is to understand the rules and regulations laid out by the government.

“I believe operators have a responsibility to change the negative stereotypes surrounding drone ownership. We have to be good stewards for the droner community. I try to explain that to my students, and give them a few tips on fitting in. We discuss how important it is to add a custom paint job to your drone, making sure you use complimentary colors, and only high-quality graphics. A great drone owner, has a drone with a great name. You want to pick something that really speaks to your personality, and helps convey your message, while avoiding things that sound lame. The Wind Walker, The Scarlet Swift, The Moon Chaser, and The Wisp are all awesome names. Lastly, for those who can afford it, I explain how useful having a custom casing can be for a first-timer. I recommend your favorite spaceship, or a realistic bird casing. The Glimpsea Gull model is amazing, and except for the weird fans sticking out, it’s almost indistinguishable from the real thing. It’s a great icebreaker when you’re around other droners. I’m actually running a casing mod special at my maker facility. Just come down to the tchotchke hut and tell them you heard about the offer, and we’ll give you 15% off your first custom casing. We expect demand to be pretty high this weekend, so please hurry before we run out of plastic.”

STORYLINE

Museum’s Kalani Tribute Marred By Injuries and Controversial Exhibit

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The surf was up and the spirits were low at the Lahaina Museum this weekend as the much anticipated Layla Kalani memorial opened to the public. Curators Balen and Maci Kiko say that thousands viewed dozens of exhibits related to Layla, and the sport she loved so much. Ranging from: surfing art and music, to a photographic history of the multi-time world champion’s life, and a look at how her board company was pushing the boundaries of surfing technology, visitors had a chance to learn more about one of Lahaina’s heros, and say goodbye one last time. At least that was what was supposed to happen. Instead, a controversial exhibit overshadowed the solemn event, sending dozens to the hospital.

Maci Kiko says she was hoping to avoid the controversy surrounding other recent high-profile Kalani memorials. “It was our intention to have something more dignified than a 30 foot tall Manimal dispensing statue with too many lights, and a horribly worded slogan. I’m sorry we couldn’t give that to the public,” she says. Ironically, it is Kalani’s friend and business partner that is at the center of the controversy surrounding the event, inventor Ano Lee.

Lee’s contribution to the memorial, the “Tube Master Tank” (TMT), was billed as “the most immersive surfing experience on land.” The machine was supposed to be one of the highlights of the exhibit, with several settings allowing fans to experience the joy of surfing, and reproductions of actual waves Kalani road during competition. However, numerous complaints, and several injuries have the Kiko’s second guessing their decision to include it.

“We really appreciate Ano’s passion, and quest to make the tank experience authentic, but I think he probably went a little too far. We wanted people to learn that surfing was more than beach blankets, energy drinks, and guitars playing with too much reverb, just as Layla was more than just a surfer. Instead of her life and legacy, the only thing people are talking about is bruises, broken bones, and the fact that he put a 112-year-old woman on a mobility scooter in the tank, and it almost killed her.” says Balen Kiko.

However, Mr. Lee says he has no regrets about the exhibit or his actions. He says that he was striving to make an experience that was as authentic, and extreme as his friend. He only wishes the public appreciated the level of realism offered by the TMT. “This isn’t just some dumb virtual reality experience in a room covered in screens, or with something stupid looking strapped to your face. This syncs with your ceremplant to offer a taste of what surfing can truly be like, and it isn’t always fun in the sun. The ocean does not come with a beginners setting, and neither does the Tube Master.”

Visitors who went in the tank were offered three settings: Expert, Wave Fighter, and Keep Kicking. Those who spent time inside had a wide range of complaints ranging from: sunburns, riptides, lengthy paddle times, long periods of calm, smelly suits, leash tangles, virtual surfers cutting in front of them during rides, and enormous waves made of Kalani’s favorite Manimal flavor, “Fightberry Punch,” which led to painful wipeouts, and injuries.

“Anyone who’s been surfing for more than a few days knows the joy of catching that perfect wave on a sunny afternoon, but they also know that surf reports can be wrong. They know that: bodyboarders snake waves, your leash is constantly getting tangled, a wetsuit left in a pile in your car gets really stinky, really fast, and sometimes you get pounded by a wave. These are all a part of what real surfing is like. Layla knew that, and I was just trying to offer people a chance to experience an important part of her life. I made sure that there was virtually no chance someone could have drowned, so I’m not sure why a fews bumps and bruises were such a big deal. I’m just glad I decided to take shark attacks out at the last minute. As far as Malie goes, it was her 112th birthday, and she really wanted to check it out. I felt bad that I hadn’t made the tank properly accessible, so I got a couple people to help me get her, and her scooter in there. I’ll admit it wasn’t my best idea, but I’ve seen this lady cliff dive, and drive out of a plane on her show. I figured she could handle anything the tank threw at her.”

For her part, Malie Kahiko, star of the hit show “Malie’s List” says that people are making too much out of the incident, and says her experience in the TMT was one of the best birthday gifts she’s had in years. “I probably should have started on “Expert”, but I wasn’t sure how long they’d let me stay in there, so I went for “Keep Kicking” right away. What a blast! I didn’t know Layla as well as I would have liked, but if this was how she lived every day, she experienced more in the short time she was here than most, maybe even me. What a wonderful tribute and ride. I give it: ‘five stars, would repeat!’”

STORYLINE

Transcript: SSHAM Expansion Focus Group Session 7

Moderator: First, I’d like to thank you all for agreeing to be part of this special breakout session today. You four seemed to have the strongest opinions about SSHAM, SSHAM branding, and additions to the SSHAM family. Now, to level set the discussion would you all briefly describe how you feel about SSHAM and the SSHAM brand of products.

Elizabeth: This may not be what you want to hear, but sometimes people need to hear the truth. I think it stinks, literally. I just can’t get over the smell. It’s like a garbage can filled with herring and garlic slowly burning on a windy day. I eat SSHAM at the Rotary Club once a year because it’s a tradition, but I never have it at home.

Kevin: I appreciate the thorough labeling on SSHAM cans, and your non-deceptive advertising. One of the worst things a company can do is lie to their potential customer base even when the information may not be flattering. For instance, I appreciate that you can easily confirm on the packaging that one slice of SSHAM contains 120% of your recommended daily intake of sodium, also the loaves in the commercial look almost exactly like the product when it comes out of the can. A big-slightly-moist brick of slurry meat.

Ano: Sorry to be that guy, but everything really. I love SSHAM. I haven’t found a type that I didn’t like. I even liked the coffee flavored SSHAM when it was around. I like it boiled, grilled, baked, fried, sous-vide, heck, I’ll eat it straight out of the can.

Gary: I like SSHAM too. I’m not sure I’d eat it out of a can, but I think it’s good. Sorry, I came here today hoping that I’d get to see one of the shrigs. Are we going to get a chance to see one today?

Moderator: Shrigs?

Gary: Yeah, the shrimp-pig hybrids that SSHAM is made from.

Kevin: Shrigs are what is known as an urban legend. That is a story usually passed by word of mouth that…..

Ano: Shrigs aren’t real

Gary: Like they don’t exist in nature?

Elizabeth: There’s no such thing as shrigs. SSHAM is just a bunch of pig parts that nobody wants to use for anything chopped up and blended with shrimp parts, chemicals, and spices.

Gary: Is that true? I guess I don’t want any chemicals in my body, for sure.

Moderator: SSHAM is a mixture of select pork products mixed with shrimp and a secret blend of spices to enhance it’s natural flavor. I assure you, there is no strange shrimp creatures in a can of SSHAM. Let’s move on. What would you say is your favorite flavor of SSHAM.

Elizabeth: Like I said, I reluctantly eat SSHAM First Pressing Reserve once a year.

Ano: Oh man, that’s like asking which one of your kids is your favorite? I love SShamplete, the meal replacement drinks and SSHAM Extra Dark for the increased umami flavor. I guess those are my favorites

Kevin: I prefer SShlobster flavor. It’s very creamy and I can actually go down to the docks and see the deformed crustaceans used in its creation. You can really taste how soft the shells are in each slice. It tastes just like you’d expect it to.

Gary: So SSHAM Extra Spicy isn’t made from shrigs that lived on an exclusive pepper diet? You guys just add spicy stuff to the meat shake you’re making?

Moderator: How would you feel about SSHAM offering international flavors? What sorts of flavors would you like to see in the future?

Kevin: I don’t have what I’d consider to be a good palate and this question is beyond the areas of my expertise. I’d just ask that you keep the labeling clear and honest. Other than that, I don’t feel comfortable answering.

Elizabeth: Anything that doesn’t smell or taste like SSHAM would be a good start.

Ano: I think it’s be super cool to add international flavors. I bet there are a lot of asian flavors in particular that would be very good. Maybe add some different proteins like bison, sheep or lamb, duck, or turkey for Thanksgiving or something. Man, you got me thinking now. Just about anything would be awesome! Sorry my brain is just all over the place thinking about the possibilities.

Gary: I don’t know what it’s officially called, but I really like the taste of the #12 from China House down the street from me. Sorry, I just can’t believe that shrigs aren’t real. I mean, I feel like I’m the last kid to find out Santa isn’t real. It’s just blowing my mind. It’s like your gonna tell me that there’s no such thing as a bologna cow next.

Kevin: Bologna is actually a fine ground sausage usually made from pork, bits of pork fat, and spices to make a flavorful meat with a distinctive taste and smooth texture. It can also be made with a number of other animal proteins, most commonly beef and turkey.

Gary: So there’s no bologna cows and beef bologna in the store is just some kind of huge sausage sliced thin?

Moderator: I feel like we’re getting off track. Can we please try and focus on the questions before us and SSHAM. Thank you. Now, on a scale of 1-10 1 being “absolutely will not” and 10 being “I absolutely will” how likely would you say you are to try a new SSHAM flavor when it’s available in the store?

Kevin: I feel like this question is an invasion of my privacy and that you are trying to leverage some sort of subliminal peer pressure in us, and I find it unacceptable. I choose not to answer this question and would encourage the others not to answer it as well.

Elizabeth: I would say -15.

Ano: 10, absolutely a 10. I’m a SSHAM man. What can I say? If you it slice it, I will eat it.

Gary: So I know that not every meat is named what it is made of. Pastrami is brined smoked beef, and ham is pork. Turkey is turkey of course but are you sure that there aren’t bologna cows or shrigs? What about corned beef? That’s cows that eat a lot of corn right?

Kevin: Actually, like pastrami, corned beef is simply a cured preparation of beef, but instead of smoking the cured meat at the end you boil it until…..

Moderator: Again, I feel like we’re getting offtopic. Can we please just focus on the questions I have about SSHAM. How do you feel about our past promotions and what would you like to see us do in future promotions.

Kevin: That is the second time you’ve rudely interrupted me. Coupled with your subliminal tactics, and your ham-handed attempt to ascertain the likelyhood of my future SSHAM purchases, I refuse to participate any further. Your aggression towards me is uncalled for and unprofessional. I request that you provide me with a take home questionnaire so I can still express my opinions to the company without your combative demeanor getting in the way, and tainting my thoughts and expressions.

Elizabeth: Wow! This spiraled down the drain in a hurry. I’d suggest just avoiding some of the mistakes of the past, like the bits of metal in Iron SSHAM and avoid using toxic shrimp like you did a few years ago. On second thought, just keep doing what you are doing. It seems to be working for you, and the unfortunate individuals who actually like your canned meat loaf.

Ano: I love reading the SSHAM Stories page for inspiration, and we get a lot of cool ideas for using the cans at the maker commune. Of course SSHAM Fest is the best. It’s the only time of year that I can eat enough SSHAM. I’d say that you should expand into other foods. Stuff like snacks, cereal, or ice cream. Be creative. Challenge my taste buds and my thoughts about what SSHAM can be.

Gary: So what’s salami? I feel like everyone just wants to move on and not acknowledge just how confusing lunch meat, and this whole “there’s no shrigs” thing is. I know you get bacon from a certain part of the pig but where do you get the hot dogs from? Am I the stupid one here? Do most people really know this? Did they show us a film about shrigs not being real and meat slurries when we were kids? Was I sick that day? I feel like maybe the formation of some sort of educational initiative is in order!

Moderator: Thank you all very much for your time.

STORYLINE

Cabana of the Year Competition Kicks Off Lahaina Week Celebration

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All of Lahaina is buzzing in anticipation this weekend for the announcement of the winner of the “Cabana of the Year” title on Sunday. The competition, now in its 19th year, marks the official start of the Lahaina Week celebration. More than 100 cabana’s are in the running this year vying for the coveted title. While the competition has always sought to highlight the ultimate in beach comfort, this is the first year that corporate cabana’s will compete in their own category.

It may not garner the press of the Manimal Drinking Contest that closes Lahaina Week, but the Cabana of the Year event is a favorite with the locals. For almost 2 decades residents and businesses alike have constructed the ultimate outdoor lounges perfect for relaxing, and appreciating the laid back island feeling that has made West Maui a vacation paradise.

“In my opinion it is one of the greatest competitions in the world,” says resident and judge John Driscol. Star of the popular Veil Sale reality show, Driscol has judged the competition since its beginning and says, “I’m not aware of any other event that so perfectly encapsulates the area in which it is held as the cabana competition. In my opinion, these respites from the hustle and bustle of everyday life aren’t just places to lay back, have a drink, and stare at the water. They are true works of art.”

“It’s easily my favorite time of the year. Everyone has had moments in their lives that changed everything. I’ve been lucky enough to have three: the only time I saw my father cry, the birth of my precious daughter, and the first time I judged the competition. It was amazing! I thought that I’d never be more comfortable again in my life, but I was wrong. Every year, someone ups the lounging game, and it’s been a pleasure to be a part of the evolution of seaside drink sipping.”

This year marks the first time that corporate cabanas will compete in their own division. “It’s a long-time coming,” says “Uncle” Ralph Umeke, owner/operator of the famous Hula Noodle eatery and cabana contestant. Umeke says he appreciates local businesses wanting to be a part of the festivities, but they had an unfair advantage over the competition.

“I love Lisa Hunt and all the folks over at Veilcorp, but it is unrealistic to think that your average person could build an oasis as nice as one built by the largest corporation in the world. I think my tiki themed cabana has all the heart of the island, and class of the 1930’s when an appreciation of Polynesian art and culture started to spread across the world. There’s just no way I could install a mini-veil, and offer a thousand item beverage list like they could. One time SSHAM created a cabana out of a giant can with edible furniture inside, and Manimal had a wave simulator one year. All those things are great, but not something that your average resident could afford. Now the lounges have been leveled, and everyone can get back to enjoying themselves and embracing the aloha spirit.”

Many are praising the decision, especially with the black and white mark left by last year’s competition. While the event is supposed to highlight the ultimate in tranquility, 2049 was anything but tranquil for inventor Ano Lee, when his entry was plagued by a group of raccoons. The animals overran Lee’s cabana during judging, eating all the canapes before moving on. Three people were bitten in the ensuing chaos, and the contest was suspended for several hours until the little bandits could be rounded up.

“It was my fault. We had been feeding the trash pandas for weeks while we worked on a new chaise lounge design. Of course we never work without music, so I assume they started to associate the “Chill” playlist with food. I guess they must have heard the music when we set up. I was so busy fluffing pillows and explaining the modular nature of our printable cabana with the judges, that I didn’t notice the raccoons until it was too late. Next thing you know they’re trying to climb up my legs to get at the hors d’oeuvres and everyone is freaking out. I feel really bad for the people bitten, but we’ve been feeding them with totally different music than what we have playing in the cabana this year, so it shouldn’t be a problem. We’re really trying to forget the whole incident, and show off our latest custom lighting rig. I’ve never been more eager to hurry up and relax.”

STORYLINE

Veilcorp To Start Its Own News Service

Veilcorp has announced that it plans to start its own news service with reports and coverage specifically geared towards the corporation’s customers. Instead of traditional journalists, the service will rely on local “experts” and smart drones for all of its stories. Two pilot programs will start this week, one in Lahaina, and another in Seattle. Veilcorp says the new service will provide travelers with important local news, and offer a true look at the “unique atmosphere and vibe of our many destinations.”

Veilcorp is no stranger to exploring other various business opportunities, but the news business is different from its previous ventures. Veilcorp has had a complicated relationship with the media. Many accuse the company of having a cozy relationship with certain journalists, softening the coverage to some of the corporations more questionable decisions. None of those decisions was more controversial than the media ban following Eric Oeming’s return to Lahaina, after the terrorist attack that killed his wife, daughter, and employees.

With this kind of baggage, and an already saturated news market, one might wonder what would set Veilcorp’s news service apart from the crowd. According to Lahaina inventor Ano Lee, the answer is technology. “The news service will be using modified versions of my party drones, and will be integrated with the massive Glimpsea camera network,” says Lee. “My party drones were already designed to recognize: large groups of people, music, and lights, so I could find where the fun was happening on the weekend. We simply added cameras and the ability to set other targets of interest, whether those are areas, events, or specific objects and people. Now, Instead of sending back the GPS coordinates of the biggest parties on the island, the drones, with the help of the Glimpsea network, film whatever they have been assigned to cover.”

Veilcorp COO Lisa Hunt says that while the technology is cutting edge, the idea is quite simple, provide customers with a true understanding of the places and people that they are visiting. “Veilcorp, more than many other companies or organizations, is in a unique position to offer travelers the best local news available. We have a worldwide network, and a deep understanding of what travelers want. Numerous customer surveys have shown that people crave real-time and honest information about the places they are visiting. Our news service has no agenda other to inform our customers about the happenings, and important issues in their area. We use drones guided by local experts and contributors, to give veil travelers insight into the locals, and hear what issues are on their minds. Our goal is to offer great local news on a global scale.”

Some media outlets have scoffed at the idea of Veilcorp running a news service, and have questioned the credibility of any reports from citizen journalists and automated drones. A statement released from VeilWatch calls the proposed service, “One of the most dangerous propaganda tools ever devised, for the most dangerous organization the world has ever seen.” However, many, including people tapped as contributors, say the new service would offer a fresh, and much needed take on how local news operates, and what it covers.

Lahaina resident, and Veilcorp appointed expert John Driscol says he can’t wait to start his show, “Veil-Curious”. “They asked me to be in charge of Arts and Leisure. As everyone knows I’m a leisure expert. If you can’t find me relaxing on the beach, and counting waves, you can usually find me relaxing on another beach. I’m friends with numerous artists as well, so it seemed like a perfect fit. The best part of this service is the drones. I’ve never been in charge of something so simple. You just provide a few key activities, and specific things to look for to the techs. They load the information into the drones, and off they go. All you have to do is comment on what they capture. If you want to change up the coverage, you just assign new cues, and parameters. It’s really as simple as that. When Veil-Curious starts, people can look forward to lots of coverage of: tourists falling off paddle boards, beach bar reviews, and real-time tracking of that old guy who sells Italian ice from his cart. I really love that stuff, and he’s hard to find on the weekends.”

Veilcorp plans on officially launching the service on Friday, the 18th.

STORYLINE

Veilcorp activity may be producing changes in native flora and fauna

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Since its inception there have been numerous accusations about the effects of the veil station in Lahaina on the surrounding plants and animals .Numerous internal investigations as well as EPA studies over the last 18 years have failed to offer any definitive proof that the company, or its veiling technology have had any impact on the region’s wildlife. However, with the success of the Icarus mission, 127 (Unbiseptium) has now been found in alarming levels virtually everywhere as the company stockpiles the power source. This has led to a marked increase in complaints and calls for investigation. As the Senior Investigator for the Department of Land and Natural Resources it is my job to collect all available data, conduct a preliminary investigation, and make a recommendation to the governor’s office. The following is that report.

First, I’d like to emphasise that my team and I did not investigate every claim that has been submitted to The Division of Forestry and Wildlife. The time required to do so with my limited staff would have been prohibitive. Instead, we focused on the most common complaints and the specific concerns of the governor.

We could find no specific evidence that the marked increase in a number of invasive plant species, (woodrose, smokebush, pampas grass, among others), was due to Veilcorp activity, or increased exposure to 127. There is no doubt that these species are pushing out native plants, but the increase in visitors to the island who might accidentally carry seed on their clothing, coupled with these plants popularity as landscaping cover, can account for the increase. We did however find a considerable drop in nitrogen levels in the soil around the island. If that is part of a larger natural process or the result of 127 killing off nitrogen-fixing bacteria needs to be studied further as it may be impacting plant life. More on this later in the report.

In addition, human interactions and normal sylvatic cycles can not be ruled out in regards to the higher than normal rates of disease reported in plants and animals. Again, I suggest that officials begin a more thorough investigation. I will also point out at this time that Veilcorp has been less than forthcoming with their own impact studies to my investigators. We have also ran into a number of roadblocks at the local level with officials expressing concern about the investigation’s effect on tourism. Let me assure you that any temporary economic impact that might result from this investigation would pale in comparison to that which would occur should the next Ebola have its origin in Lahaina, and we try to hide it.

We were also unable to verify that a variety of stinkhorn mushroom has become parasitic and has been infecting the deer and boar populations. The sample mushrooms provided by the hunters from Hahai ranch have proved unremarkable. Even though we weren’t able to find an infected animal in our survey, we should remain vigilant and continue to work to find an infected specimen. The hunters know these animals better than most. We should take their reports seriously.

There were a couple of claims that we were able to verify nonetheless, including the alarming reports from the biologists studying the nene. The Hawaiian goose population on the island has become hyper-aggressive and has started to show signs of physical transformations since the Icarus project. The average nene is now 20% larger and carries more robust tomia (the teeth-like structures that line the bill). We have been able to verify a number of attack reports, including an incident where a group tried to separate a child from his family at a park, and the hunting and consumption of small mammals, especially mongooses. Our team experienced attacks themselves while working in a cliff area. A flock tried to drive team members off a high path in a manner reminiscent of large birds of prey pushing food animals to their death.

In addition, a species of native hibiscus, hibiscus waimeae, has become so toxic that it is killing off many of its usual pollinators, including hummingbirds. Some team members theorize that this might be a response to the soil becoming so nitrogen poor. They think the hibiscus is trying to supplement this deficiency with birds in a manner similar to carnivorous flora such as the pitcher plant and venus flytrap. It’s a reasonable hypothesis but to see such a transformation in such a short period of time is unprecedented. Additionally, the new toxin seems to have an intoxicating effect on larger animals. The mongoose population often eats the poisoned birds which makes them slow to react to danger, leaving them particularly vulnerable to nene predation. The word has spread quickly among the local people and incidents of hibiscus intoxication are now common. While we were conducting our investigation there was a bust at the local maker commune after it was discovered that some individuals were selling dried flowers, and had brewed a large quantity of “Tree Tea” to sell to tourists.

While we simply didn’t have the time required to do a proper scientific investigation of many of the environmental claims made since the increase in 127 exposure, there is no doubt something is happening. The physical and behavioral changes in the hibiscus and our state bird are unparalleled, and defy everything we think we know about natural processes. The fact that Veilcorp scientists don’t seem concerned, and have been slow to cooperate is all the more troubling. In my opinion, there can be no doubt that the increase in Unbiseptium has had major impact on all living things. Who knows what it is doing to people? We should act immediately while our ducks still look, swim, and quack like ducks.

STORYLINE

15th Annual SSHAM Fest: A Day of Spicy-Salted-Goodness

Hawaii’s celebration of its favorite processed meat product turns 15 this year and just like SSHAM, it has only gotten better with age. Every year people from around the globe come to celebrate what started as an accident in the kitchen of Art Pua’a, and has turned into a food revolution. Front Street will be closed to traffic this Saturday and downtown will belong to lovers of “The meat of 1,000 uses.”

Top restaurants and a number of Hawaiian retailers will be on-hand to offer a variety of SSHAM related products and food. Two stages with free entertainment, and numerous special events throughout the day will keep everyone entertained. Last year, an estimated 65,000 people shared their love of shrimped-spiced-ham. There are no admission charges and the entertainment is free. A portion of all other proceeds will go to the Lahaina Watershed Alliance. The LWA works with private landowners around the preservation zone to extend protected areas and ensure clean clean water for residents, farms, and businesses. If it’s your first time or your 15th, we hope you come down and enjoy what local residents and visitors alike have made an annual tradition.

SSHAM Fest starts at 8am and ends with the lighted drone show over Lahaina Harbor at 11pm. Throughout the day, vendors will offer a variety of unique arts and crafts including: SSHAM soap, candles, cosmetics, and natural health/beauty products. Our SSHAM Slam stage offers local poets, musicians, and artists a chance to express their love of our canned meat and is open all day. “SSHAM stories are your stories,” and our Stories Stage is open to the public so you can tell the world what SSHAM means to you.

Ride around in style by renting one of Ano Lee’s SSHAM powered bikes, or just stop by to see how SSHAM might be the fuel of the future. Don’t worry about your camera. You can follow all the action and preserve every memory thanks to our SSHAM Cam sponsored by Glimpsea. There are a number of planned events throughout the day as well. This year’s schedule is as follows:

10:00am – Shrig Calling Contest: Art may say they don’t exist, but the rumors of shrimp-pig hybrids seems to persist. You can’t have a SSHAM celebration without its main ingredient. We don’t care if you snort, squeal, howl or gurgle just do it loud enough to entertain the crowd and judges.

12:00am – Sculpture contest: Competitors have all morning to carve, cut, mold, and sear a 90 pound block of SSHAM for our judge’s discerning eye. You won’t believe how life-like and intricate their works can be. All sculptures are donated to the Maui food bank at the end of the day.

2:00pm – Awarding of the SSHAM Can: Perhaps the most prestigious culinary prize in Hawaii, the SSHAM Can goes to the creator of the best SSHAM dish on the island. So far, that dish has always been Ralph Umeke’s SSHAM pho. He wants to add a 15th Can to his collection, but he has some stiff competition from the big island this year. Make sure and see if Uncle Ralph can extend his reign as the SSHAM cooking king.

4:00pm – SSHAM Eating Competition: After watching the culinary talents of some of the world’s best chefs, why not take a break and watch a group of the crazy-brave engulf SSHAM at a gut-busting speed. Will anyone beat Big Bob Abramo’s 13 can record? Stop by and see or enter the competition yourself and find out how many cans your stomach can stand.

6:00pm – Winner of SSHAM Science Fair Announced: Sponsored by Veilcorp, the science fair has become a highlight of the festival. With the help of their Veilcorp mentors, what these kids can create with SSHAM and some imagination is amazing. The company funds the top 5 projects every year, and provides scholarships to contestants to help cultivate the next generation of innovators. Previous winners include a cheap and consumable water filtration system, and a topical treatment that repels mosquitoes and other biting insects for 90 days.

Whether you want to see one of the competitions or just spend a day enjoying the sights and sounds, the festival is family-friendly and great for all ages. Don’t miss helping us celebrate 15 years of SSHAM love!

STORYLINE

Lahaina Celebrates Reality Star Malie Kahiko’s 111th Birthday

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Malie Kahiko, one of Lahaina’s favorite daughters, is celebrating her 111th birthday today and visitors and residents alike are helping her celebrate. The popular star of the online series, “Malie’s List”, says that she appreciates all the well wishers and says she doesn’t plan on doing anything special to celebrate her birthday. “After 100, every day is just another day,” she says. Kahiko credits her long life to “genetics, a bit of luck, and trying everything at least once.”

When Malie Kahiko was born, the federal government had just raised the minimum wage to 40 cents, Germany had annexed Austria, oil was newly discovered in Saudi Arabia, and a man named Howard Hughes set a new “round-the-world” record of 3 days, 19 hours. A lot can change in a lifetime, especially a lifetime that lasts over a century. Malie says that veil travel and ceremplant technology are at the top of her list of amazing developments during her long life.

In addition to her longevity, it’s lists that have pushed her into the spotlight, but according to Malie, that was never the plan. “To be honest I never planned or even wanted all this recognition. I started going through my bucket list when I turned 88. It took me 10 years to get through the whole thing. I never imagined I’d actually get through it. Then I spent a year doing things I sorta wanted to do, and made it to the end of that list too. I was 99, I had done everything I ever dreamed of doing. I had buried 3 husbands, a couple children and a grandchild. All of my old friends were long gone and I was honestly struggling to figure out what to do with myself. Some of my great-grandkids suggested I finally get a ceremplant. I’ve never been a big fan of that sort of thing, but they said it’d be easy to use and it’d give me people to talk to. They couldn’t have been more right. I started telling people about my life and my bucket list. Everyday it seemed like a dozen more would message me and before you know it I had my own channel. On my 100th birthday someone said they really wanted to go cliff diving but always chickened out at the last minute, so I said I’d give it a try for them. I figured it might be fun and if it went bad….well I’d get to see my friends again. That was the beginning of the series.”

Malie’s List sees Kahiko scratch off items from viewer’s bucket lists, and has made her one of the most recognized faces in Lahaina. Along with her black mobility scooter Betty, she has spent the past 10 years traveling the world and completing over 250 viewer suggested tasks. Malie has: scooted with the bulls, shuffled off the top of waterfalls, dived with sharks, helped tag the Duracave elephant herd, been hoisted up a sheer cliff face, and even sailed through a hurricane. Surprisingly, Kahiko says she doesn’t see herself as a daredevil, “I’m just a lady who has lived so long that I figure there’s nothing to lose anymore. I go to the Abramo Chop House at least 3 times a week and always eat as much as I can from the Long Pig Buffet, despite what my doctor says. If there’s no lifeguard on duty, I love wading into the surf during a good storm. there’s nothing more beautiful than watching the lightning in the breaking waves. I try not to let anything slow me down. If Betty can get me there, I’m up for it.”

Malie says she doesn’t know what she’s going to do with all the cards and gifts she’s got so far. She even received a prototype wrist device that interfaces with her implant. “To be honest, I’m not sure of everything this thing does. They’re supposed to be sending a tech over to explain it to me. All I know is that it monitors my health and they said it will help protect me from any major injury. I just like the way it looks, even if it does chafe my arm a little. I’d say they need to make the next one a bit more comfortable.” A Reparre spokesperson said they were thrilled to be able to provide Kahiko with the company’s latest technology but could not comment on the device’s specifics.

Inventor Ano Lee, one of Malie’s most diehard fans, gave Betty some upgrades this year as a birthday gift. “I never miss an episode of Malie’s List. I know that there are a few things she can’t do because of Betty’s limitations and I wanted to change that. She inspires so many with her show that it inspired me. Most mobility scooters have less than 2 hp and a top speed of around 8 mph on pavement. I thought I could do a lot better than that, and I was right. After a little power rerouting and tinkering, we got Betty to hit 35 mph on the sand. I figure she’ll go at least 50 mph on the road. We lifted the body, added better stabilization controls, and synthetic all-terrain tires. Now she’ll be able to cross all the deserts and jump all the buses she wants. We added a flash freezing unit to the basket to keep her drinks cold, speakers, a 120 decibel dual air horn system to let people know she’s coming, and a hula girl bobblehead on the handles, to help her remember her home no matter where she is. I hope these modifications last her another 111 years.”

Kahiko says she’s overwhelmed by all the kind words and amazed at Betty’s upgrades. “Just when you think you’ve seen it all, someone gives you a souped up scooter with heat resistant tires. I can’t wait to go volcano exploring while listening to Benny Goodman.”

STORYLINE

Raccoons Drunk On Fermented Pineapple Cause Rabies Scare In Lahaina

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Lahaina residents can breathe easier today after The Hawaii Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) announced that over a dozen raccoons suspected of being rabid have tested negative for the disease. Over the past month, hundreds of calls were placed to officials from concerned citizens about overly aggressive raccoons in Lahaina neighborhoods, and even some stumbling down the middle of Front street. However, tests now confirm that the animals weren’t infected by the deadly virus, but were instead drunk from eating fermented pineapple.

It seems that wherever you go in Lahaina these days you’ll eventually run across an abandoned box of pineapple. With their automated pineapple picking drones, Ananas Farms brought back a booming pineapple industry to Maui and the future of the farm looked great. However, trouble began a few months ago, when the farm announced an exclusive partnership with Alohagistics to distribute Ananas fruit. The move was supposed to provide residents with cheaper pineapple at the peak of ripeness. Unfortunately, critic’s concerns about a service that relies heavily on volunteer crowd-sourced employees, have turned out to be right. Abandoned Alohagistics boxes filled with rotting pineapple have caused issues with flies, terrible smells, and now, drunk raccoons.

Ano Lee, famed inventor and part owner of Ananas Farm, says his company has been maligned unfairly, and the DLNR is responsible for the raccoons in the first place.

“I understand that nobody wants to see or smell a box filled with twenty pounds of rotting pineapple, except the flies and raccoons I guess, but people are acting like it’s a major public health issue or something. I mean it’s just fruit that’s gone bad. Everyone has found an old forgotten banana of orange in their fridge at some point. It’s not a big deal. The real problem here is the raccoons. The DLNR program that brought them here has obviously failed because they’re out getting hammered instead of eating invasive crayfish like they’re supposed to. You can’t blame them really. You bring anything to Maui from someplace else, and it’s going to get hammered on fruit drinks eventually. Why should the raccoons be any different than the tourists?”

DLNR spokesperson Greg Iona, says that officers are doing everything they can to humanely capture the raccoons, but says the organization is hampered by budget concerns. “I think it’s clear that our limited raccoon release program to combat the invasive Red Swamp Crayfish hasn’t worked as well as we had hoped. At the time it seemed like a natural addition to our “Eat The Pests” campaign. Unfortunately, as we all know a few raccoons escaped, and despite our best efforts, there is now a thriving population. We simply don’t have the money or manpower at this point to fully eradicate the animals. However, if the public follows some of our simple guidelines such as not feeding pets outside, and always covering trash, we can go a long way to combating the problem. Obviously, leaving what amounts to be an open bar for them laying around is not something we endorse. Clearly, these companies need to held accountable. Luckily, the raccoons turned out to be angry drunks in this case and not rabid. We continue to urge the public not to try and capture any animal acting strangely. Call us instead.”

Despite Iona’s warning about interacting with the raccoons, many business owners say they have no choice but to trap the pests themselves. Some have been forced to hire pest removal or wildlife relocation services to combat the nightly wave of hungry bandits. While most are still angry about the raccoons, and the recent rabies scare, at least one business owner says he feels more sympathy for the animals now. One of the loudest voices in Lahaina, Bob Abramo, says he understands the plight of the masked mammals.

“Look, I’m no ring tail lover believe me. I don’t really see the point of most animals unless they’re delicious or can fetch to be honest. But now that I know that many of them were just drunk, and looking for a quality meal, things are different. There are dozens upon dozens of eateries in Lahaina, but none of them have had the problems with raccoons that we’ve had at the Chop House. There were many nights that the cooks would have to put on oven mitts, triple-up their aprons like armor, and grab the sturdiest pan they could find before running the trash panda gauntlet on the way to the dumpster. The chittering hordes were too much for a lot of them, and we lost some good dishwashers when the rabies scare started. But everyone can relate to the drunken munchies. All you want is to sink your teeth into your favorite food, and that’s what these things were doing. Not only do we have the most delectable dishes in town, we also have the tastiest garbage. Our alley full of raccoons every night proves it. I feel honored that even something as simple as a raccoon can recognize the Abramo quality that my customers have come to expect. I still hate them of course, and would be dishing out bowls full of raccoon stew if they were even remotely palatable, but I have a little more respect for them now.”

STORYLINE

Duracave Unveils First Portable 127 Reactor Available To the Public

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Having power during an outage is a luxury that everyone who own a home generator appreciates, however for some with extreme health conditions, having a constant source of power is a necessity. The same holds true for medical and emergency facilities. Until now, the only options available to the public were generators that relied on batteries, or fuel to keep the power going. Today, Duracave announced that they will offer the public a revolutionary new option that promises to not only provide continuous power for a lifetime, but will allow some to disconnect from the grid entirely. The company has unveiled a portable nuclear power generator that runs on “Unbiseptium,” better known as 127.

One of the military’s largest contractors, Duracave started offering commercial versions of their technology 20-years-ago with their mobile bunker system. The brand has since gained a devout following, especially amongst survival enthusiasts. The company already has a line of emergency solar generators for the home, but their latest design has only been available to the government until now. Duracave says the new generator is a giant leap forward in technology, and allows its customers the “freedom of self reliance for a lifetime.”

Weighing in at 82 pounds, the Portaplant 127 may not be light, but is small enough to be carried by the average consumer. Providing up to 60kW, the mini power plant could continuously power 10 medium sized houses, or a business for up to 75 years before needing to be replenished. “It’s the same technology that has powered the military, now available in your home,” says the company.

Despite the fanfare, many are concerned about the possibility of having a mini nuclear generator in their neighborhood, especially one powered by 127. Tim Durney, founder of the watchdog group VeilWatch, is among the loudest voices in opposition to the technology. He says, “This is exactly what we’ve been warning the public about for the last 15 years. We knew that once the 127 genie was out of the bottle it would be almost impossible to put back in. The element contaminated miles of farmland in Iowa after a containment leak, and gave cancer to thousands way back in 2023. We know that it is poisoning our food, and water. It is having detrimental effects to the environment, causing widespread abnormalities in plants and animals. Worst of all, consumers won’t be able to count on their government to protect them against the many deleterious effects of 127, since we know they are using the element in their own human research. My best advice to anyone who is thinking about purchasing one of these accidents-waiting-to-happen is simple, don’t! If you are concerned about your health and well-being stay away. If someone in your neighborhood buys one, move.”

Nonetheless, not everyone is concerned about the prospect of their neighbor owning a nuclear powered generator. Some are very excited about the prospect. Inventor and technology gadfly Ano Lee says he’s already making plans to integrate the Portaplant into his property. “I’ve been going over the specs since they announced they’d be selling them to the public last month. With one of these things going, I don’t have to worry about power outages ever again. There’s nothing worse than printing a spoon in a storm, and having the electricity go out before the handle is done. The Portaplant can power the entire printer shed with all the machines going, and still have enough juice left over for the Tchotchke Hut. I’m not personally worried about the 127, I mean lots of people here live near the veil station, and I haven’t seen anyone with 3 arms yet. But I understand that tourists might be worried, so we’re putting up a warning sign, and hanging a couple of NBC suits out by the front gate for anyone worried about dying of radiation poisoning while shopping for bobble heads, and plastic pineapples.”

Duracave says all of the products meet government guidelines, and are completely safe to use and operate. The company says they hope to expand their line of 127 generators with an even smaller model next year.