STORYLINE

Veilcorp Takes Part In Maui Pandemic Preparedness Exercise

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If you happen to visit Lahaina this weekend chances are you’ll notice more than just the breathtaking beaches and historic buildings. In addition to all the charms of Front Street, you might notice drones fitted with UV spotlights and groups of people in hazmat suits measuring sidewalk traffic and taking samples. Don’t worry though, there isn’t an impending biological attack or new outbreak of the latest superflu, it’s just an exercise. In conjunction with Veilcorp, the Navy, and other federal authorities, Maui County is testing its pandemic preparedness to ensure that Hawaiians will be safe in the face of an outbreak.

The Black Death killed 60% of Europe’s entire population. The 1918 influenza pandemic, caused by the H1N1 virus, infected about 500 million people and many of us are old enough to remember the COVID-19 outbreak and subsequent quarantines. Despite all of our medical advances, humankind remains susceptible to pandemics and epidemiologists say the increase in global travel only increases the chances of a novel virus spreading. “We just want to make sure that our first responders have all the information and tools they need to handle the worst,” says Mayor Albert Cravalho.

Late Friday evening, hundreds of volunteers will meet at Veilcorp’s Lahaina Station where they will be treated with a contagion analog spray. They will then go about their daily lives for the next 48 hours while scientists track their movements and monitor the spread of the contagion using UV lights and drones. Invisible to the naked eye the spray remains active for 48 hours allowing it to be passed on to the general public just like real pathogens. Veilcorp COO Lisa Hunt says the company is happy to help out with the exercise but wants the public to know that Veilcorp already takes great measures to ensure the safety of its customers and neighbors.

“Even though we already have the technology and many systems in place to eliminate the chance of one of our customers unwittingly spreading disease like this we know that terrible things can happen even in a paradise like Lahaina. It is important for us to protect the people and destinations we serve. The analog spray is completely non-toxic and safe for animals and the environment. We’re committed to the safety of our neighbors and communities. It may be a little alarming to see a group of people walking down the street in protective gear but trust me, you have nothing to worry about.”

While he didn’t contract the superflu, one volunteer found himself in the hospital after a trial run last night. 45-year-old Gary Puniwale had a severe allergic reaction to the spray and is unlikely to participate in the exercise this weekend. “I’m a little bummed and super itchy, but I’m used to things not going my way,” he says.

“They say the chances of having an allergic reaction to the analog is about 1 in 13 million, and having a severe reaction is 1 in 300 million. The doctor said nobody has seen a reaction as bad as mine. I just wish I had this kind of luck with scratch-offs. I knew something was wrong right away but they finished spraying before I could yell for them to stop. The last thing I saw before my eyes swelled up was the skin on my arms turning red. I’ve been told that my sense of smell should come back in a few days but they aren’t sure how long I’ll have to wear the eye patches. I’m was really looking forward to watching the drones work, but I guess I’ll have to wait for next time.”

This is the first time that autonomous drones will be used in such a capacity and the event has more than just Puniwale interested. Famed Lahaina inventor Ano Lee will be overseeing the drones during the exercise and says it is a big technological step that will allow safer and more rapid monitoring of disease progression in the future.

“I feel bad for that lobster looking dude because he’s right. This is going to be awesome! Soon we will be able to deploy drones instead of doctors and observers in areas ravaged by war or battling pandemics. In addition to looking out for my bruddahs and sistas here at home, we’re helping those brave first responders. Me and the crew have been self-quarantining most of our lives, so we’ve picked up a few tips along the way that we will be sharing with the public during the exercise. Even though you’ll be able to watch the most technologically advanced pandemic prevention program ever conceived work this weekend there is plenty you can do with what you have around the house.

Slipping a slice of SSHAM in a face mask can help reduce airborne viral transmission by up to 30%. If you sleep until noon you only have to make 2 meals instead of 3. You can disinfect most things with a microwave, even stuff labeled “non-microwavable” can be cleaned if you don’t mind a few sparks and some warping. Tongs aren’t just for the salad bar, use them to pick up things and keep your hands clean. If you’re worried about exercising while you’re stuck at home, drinking at least 5 Manimals in a row can increase your heart rate and simulate 20 mins of brisk walking. Combine tips like this with the systems we have in place and I’m sure Lahaina will stay safe no matter what happens.

STORYLINE

Alohagistics Signs Deal To Become Sole Distributor For Automated Pineapple Farm

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A little more than a month into 2049, and it’s already been a good year for Lahaina based logistics company Alohagistics. The ultra-cheap crowdsourced shipping company, best known for their promise that your package will, “Get There Eventually,” has penned a deal making them the exclusive distributor of Ananas Farms pineapples.

With the help of prolific inventor Ano Lee, Ananas Farms has single-handedly revitalized the pineapple business in Hawaii. Thanks to a state-of-the-art automated drone picking and planting program, the farm has been able to bring back an industry that was once a hallmark of the islands, but had all but disappeared. Roy Ananas, who now runs the farm his grandfather started, says he’s excited about the new Alohagistics partnership.

“We think Alohagistics is the perfect partner for our pineapple business. They embrace the same family values, aloha spirit, and eye for innovation that we do. It’s kind of ironic that Ano and I revolutionized the pineapple business by almost completely removing the human element, and automating as much as possible with our drones. Now, we’re going to do the same thing on the distribution side, by totally embracing the power of people and the crowd. With the help of our new partners, Lahaina will be able to enjoy locally delivered and grown pineapple at the peak of freshness, cheaper than ever before.”

One might wonder what a shipping company best known for being the choice of personal assistants looking for a new job, and the ultra-cheap, knows about shipping fruit. According to founder Charles Lohi, surprisingly, not a lot. “To be honest, we’re really learning a lot as we go,” he says.

“Since we basically only need to move packages around the island we’re doing pretty good. I’ve made a whole separate food division to make sure only our top tier Parcel Pals, and most reliable looking beginners, get boxes of Ananas pineapples. I’m most proud of the packaging, which helps our volunteer distributors easily recognize which boxes contain fruit. We hope that this packaging innovation will instill a sense of urgency in them, and get the pineapples where they need to be in a timely manner. So far, so good. We’re currently in talks to transport other Ananas Farms products, we’re especially interested in their algae business. Roy is convinced that it’s going to be the superfood of the future, and that’s good enough for us. Unfortunately, the wax treatment that keeps 20 pounds of pineapple perfectly safe during transport, isn’t quite enough to keep in the moisture of 20 pounds of freshly-scooped algae. We’re looking into different design options, as well as an even cheaper “Wet Packaging” freight option now, but we hope to be handing out Ananas algae soon.”

While the farm is singing the praises of their new exclusive partnership, many business owners, especially ones located near the Veil Station, have complained about abandoned packages, enormous clouds of fruit flies, and the smell of rotting fruit. Ano Lee, partner in farms pineapple business, says they are looking into solutions that can make everyone happy.

“Is the occasional forgotten box of 20 pounds of rotting pineapples a problem? I mean, not really. It’s not like it’s a bomb, or a huge public health hazard. It’s just old fruit. Everyone has experienced a garbage can that is holding something a little strong smelling. You just have to take care of it, and pow! No smell. I can understand that it is not not exactly a bonus for these business owners, but it’s not really a big deal. I’m working on a drone solution that can identify the chemicals rotting fruit give off, and will be able to remove abandoned packages, wherever they’re left.

The big story here isn’t the fruit flies, it’s the quality Alohagistics adds to our fruits. Most produce is picked well before peak flavor, and it is common for consumers to have to wait days before their pineapple is as delicious as it cold be. Thanks to the measured, leisurely distribution, offered by the company’s crowdsourced delivery, every Ananas pineapple you find in a store is as delicious as it’s ever going to be. It’s the perfect fruit for your perfect day. We handle the ripening, so you can enjoy the eating.”

STORYLINE

IndiMed Medical Monitoring Program Enters Second Phase In Maui

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Reparre Biologic says that a next-generation medical monitoring program is wrapping up its preliminary trial in Maui, and the company plans to expand the program. For the past 6 months, 54 subjects have worn the IndiMed device to help monitor their health and track any changes. Engineered by Lahaina’s own resident inventor Ano Lee, the device is designed to offer wearers 24/7 medical monitoring, and physicians accurate individual patient information on demand. Reparre says the next phase of the study will focus on integrating more individualized medicine and will expand to over 300 individuals across the island.

The Individual Medical Assistant (IndiMed) was born from a previous Reparre telemedicine program. Back in the Fall of 2045, Ano Lee found himself with a fever that wouldn’t break and intense headaches. He was diagnosed with a rare condition called Leptospirosis, or Weil’s disease. Left untreated the bacterial infection can lead to organ failure, severe internal bleeding, and death. Because of the rareness of the condition and his location, Lee was asked about becoming part of the telemedicine project by Reparre Biologic and The West Maui Medical Group. “I can’t tell you how many hours I had to spend staring at the injectable med unit on the wall. In the end, the antibiotics and tailored stem cells worked, and I didn’t spread the infection to anyone else. The program was a success, but I just couldn’t get it out of my head that there had to be a better way to monitor patients. Then, I remembered the Weather Watchers I made for some surfer friends a few years ago. I talked to Reparre about my idea, and we started designing a week later.”

The Weather Watcher was a wrist band designed to warn the wearer of potentially dangerous weather or ocean conditions like: thunderstorms, severe tides, strong undertows, or even jellyfish swarms. “Dozens of people die while swimming or snorkeling around Maui every year, but for some reason the alert bands never really took off like I thought they would. However, I thought with a few tweaks and additions it would be perfect for what Reparre and I had in mind.”

“Using the Weather Watcher platform, the IndiMed program offers patients cutting edge medical monitoring and allows physicians to fully utilize our custom stem cell medicine and our personalized DNA technology,” says Reparre Biologic President Shawn Hastings. “The device not only provides continuous up-to-the-second monitoring and patient information, it also runs a series of tests every hour to provide the best diagnostic information available and alert the wearer of any significant changes. We are thrilled with the results so far and the feedback has been so good that we plan on starting the second phase early, and expanding the program across the island.”

While Hastings is quick to point out the program’s success, it has not been without a few hiccups. There were many complaints initially about the old incorporated alert system malfunctioning. Several subjects complained that the alert shock feature was too strong, with one patient complaining, “Every time a warm front would come in, or the tide was really high, it was like being hooked up to a car battery. Then an alert would go out that I had been electrocuted and paramedics would arrive. It took weeks to straighten out.” Others complained that the automated assistant voice had no privacy setting and would relay potentially embarrassing information in public. “I understand that the IndiMed monitors any change in my health very closely, but I really didn’t appreciate it alerting everyone in line at the store that my temperature had increased slightly, and my urinary tract infection might be getting worse,” wrote another.

Hastings says that these, and other early issues, have been worked out and he is excited about the program’s future, including possible integration with Nuuskin techology. “We announced our partnership with Nuuskin this Spring and unveiled our Tailored Cellular Optimization (TCO) process. While TCO is for animals only, it offers a glimpse as to what might be possible for human treatments in the future. With this state-of-the-art monitoring and record system in place, the possibilities seem wide open. I can foresee a time when stem cell therapies can be precisely directed to damaged areas, and automated procedures could happen on demand. The second phase of the IndiMed program might be the beginning of a medical revolution!”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Inventor Unveils Poi “Tasting” Technology

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There is no food more synonymous with Hawaii and Hawaiian culture than poi. The smashed taro and water mixture is a staple at any Luau and your tutu’s table, but there’s no doubt that the mixture is an acquired taste. Now, Lahaina inventor Ano Lee thinks he has come up with a way to convince you to eat your poi. He’s on a mission to ensure that every batch you eat is perfect and he’s invented the machine he says can do just that.

Besides being one of the most common foods on any Hawaiian table, poi is also one of the island’s most dubious offerings. While being one of the best probiotic foods available to consumers, the taste and texture can be hard for the uninitiated to appreciate. That is where Lee comes in.

Ano says that he has always been a fan of poi and believes that most people who aren’t just had a bad batch. Inspired by recent research in meat tasting technology at the University of Maui Lahaina College, Lee has created a device that can “taste” a batch of poi and gives it a rating.

“Good poi is about taste and texture. I’m no expert at making it, I have partners for that part of the process, but I know what’s good and I’ve transferred that knowledge to my technology. The machine, tastefully highlighted with a premium lighting package, measures salinity, pH, mineral content as well as a smoothness score. Users can compare these values against an ideal to ensure that they’ve used quality taro, cooked it properly, and processed it enough. There are 3 different preloaded music settings with room for all your tunes so you can enjoy your quality control testing. It can even detect many common poisons and radioactivity levels if you’re making poi near any type of industrial accident. As one of its oldest dishes, poi will continue to revolutionize the Hawaiian table.”

Roy Ananas, Lee’s partner in the poi business, says that he knows that a poi tasting machine sounds like a strange idea but he is confident in the technology. He points out the success the pair has had with revitalizing the pineapple business in Hawaii. Lee’s automated drones have made Ananas Farms a leader in Hawaiian agriculture and he believes they can add the world’s best poi to their product line with Lee’s new machine.

“I know he can come on a little strong but his machine is the real deal. I truly believe that the poi we’ve perfected with the help of this technology is some of the best ever pounded with a pestle and triple cooked. The results of our taste tests have been amazing. With people saying things like, “Surprisingly edible and not very sticky,” “The first batch of poi I’ve ever had that wasn’t tasteless purple mud,” and “Not too bad,” it’s clear that we’re on to something big and moderately delicious. I expect our poi business will be booming in a few months thanks to Ano’s creation.”

While that’s good news for taro farmers not everyone is excited about the prospect of a poi tasting machine. Professional poi taster Gary Puniwale says Lee’s technology may be the final straw that breaks the back of one of Hawaii’s oldest professions and small-batch poi artisans.

“I come from a long line of poi tasters. My family is built on a foundation of watery taro and keen taste buds, but I’m glad my grandfather isn’t around to see this day. The market for poi tasters has already dwindled to the point where I only do it part-time, and this technological nightmare may be the thing that pushes my profession over the edge. They recently discovered a 600-year-old batch of poi right here in Lahaina, proving how important this product is to the spirit of the land and the Hawaiian people. I had hoped that the public interest would be the shot in the arm the profession needed. I fear now that it was a shot in the heart. When I think back to all the great jobs that we’ve lost due to “progress” like grocery bagger, projectionist, and human telemarketer it makes me sad. To think that poi tester may soon join them terrifies me. It’s been scientifically proven that the human tongue can identify thousands of variations of bland, but Lee’s device only rates poi on a five-star scale. You tell me which system sounds more advanced.”

STORYLINE

Haikili: The Revolutionary New Printable Rifle

FIREARMS AND FRIENDS

Aired September 7, 2048 – 20:00 HAST

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

[20:00:07] RANDY WILCOX, FIREARMS AND FRIENDS HOST: Good evening Lahaina and everyone else who doesn’t live in paradise.

I’m really excited about tonight’s guest. In just a few moments, we’ll be discussing the boom in 3D printed weapons, since the government changed the rules in the Undetectable Firearms Act, with one of the most prolific inventors of our time. We’ll be talking about his new Hawaiian inspired printable rifle, and what makes it one of the best long guns around.

First I want to let you know that tonight’s episode is brought to you by Duracave, maker of the Duracave mobile bunker system, environmental collectors, and solar home generators. Frequent listeners know that I don’t advertise anything on the show that I don’t personally believe in, and I can’t say enough about the Duracave line of products. The mobile bunkers are so light they can be towed by any heavy duty truck or medium duty military vehicle. The self leveling feet make set-up a breeze, and the communal sleeping quarters can hold up to a dozen comfortably. Duracave doesn’t want you to just survive. They want you to thrive!

We’re also brought to you by my favorite show, Board Entertainment’s Veil Sale. Watch me and my partner John bid on abandoned packages, forgotten freight, and lost luggage. Each bag might hold a bounty in riches, or end up a bust. You never know what we’ll find. Watch us take a chance trying to hit it big by turning one man’s trash into our treasure. Everything is worth something to someone. Tune in every Thursday at 9 HAST to find out what we’ll find next.

WILCOX: Now that we’ve held off the bill collectors for a few days, let me introduce someone who needs no introduction. He is one of the most prolific inventors of our time. The Navy uses his shark mitigation system to protect our sailors, his agriculture drones have revitalized the pineapple business in Hawaii, and he is the brains behind Kalani Custom Boards. He is Lahaina’s own Ano Lee.

Ano Lee, Inventor and Entrepreneur: Thank you for having me on Randy. I’m a big fan of the show as you know.

WILCOX: So you’re not known as being a big firearms enthusiast, what made you decide to get in the business?

LEE: Well, as you mentioned a moment ago, the government loosened regulations on printable firearms this year, and I saw an opportunity to get into the gun game. As you mentioned, I didn’t have a lot of knowledge about the market at first, but I did my research and designed the Haikili. It’s perfect for hunters and pleasure shooters alike.

WILCOX: Haikili is an interesting name.

LEE: Haikili is the Hawaiian god of thunder.

WILCOX: Seems appropriate.

LEE: I thought so.

WILCOX: Lahaina is known for a lot of things, but being a hub of gun innovation isn’t one of them. Of all the places in the world to make firearms, why Maui?

LEE: Actually, Maui has become very popular with hunters. With the success of Hahai Ranch, and others like them, hunting is becoming a big business. Thousands come to the island every year to hunt feral goats, wild boar, and trophy sized axis deer. That isn’t even counting the more exotic animals bred by these ranches. You can even go after water buffalo here now.

WILCOX: Five different species of antelope too. I’m just waiting for someone to start big cat hunting. I think the studio could use a lion head trophy, don’t you?

LEE: I think you’d have a hard time convincing the governor and the DLNR that lions should be brought to the island, but I hear what you’re saying. There are tons of regulations about what can be brought here, and the process of veiling with a gun is a nightmare. It’s one of the reasons the Haikili is so great. A hunter can come here without the hassle of paperwork and permits. He or she can have a custom firearm created just for them, in a matter of minutes.

WILCOX: I know a lot of viewers are cringing right now that you said a custom firearm can be made in minutes. It takes a good gunsmith months sometimes to make a quality weapon, and the history of printed guns isn’t exactly long and illustrious. Is the Haikili really able to compete with something toiled over, and perfected for weeks?

LEE: Absolutely Randy! Just because something takes a long time doesn’t mean it’s better. I mean my grandma takes a long time to walk from her bedroom to the kitchen, but I wouldn’t put her in a race. 3D printers and laser cutters have gotten so good now that they rival industrial CNC machines. I will admit that there aren’t a lot of quality 3D printed weapons out there right now, but I hope to change that soon.

WILCOX: So how does it work. If I wanted to buy a Haikili what do I do?

LEE: It couldn’t be easier. You just meet with one of our facilitators who will walk you through all your options. In fact, designing your weapon takes about as long as the actual construction time. Everything is customizable with the Haikili. You can have a stock made from wood, metal, carbon fiber, durable plastic, or many other options. You can add scopes, hand guards, suppressors, muzzle brakes, flash mitigators, whatever you want. If you want a clear plastic stock filled with LED lights and a muzzle brake that looks like a dragon’s head, you can have it. Of course most people go with boring old wood, but we try to accommodate everyone. Once you have a design you like. it takes about 20 minute to print and assemble.

WILCOX: I’m told you brought a video of a Haikili being made.

LEE: Yeah, this is our most popular model being printed and assembled.

WILCOX: Let’s have a look

[WILCOX AND LEE WATCH ASSEMBLY VIDEO]

WILCOX: And that’s all it takes?

LEE: That’s it Randy.

WILCOX: Let’s talk about price. How bad is it going to hurt my bank account to buy one of these custom firearms?

LEE: That’s like asking how much a dinner costs. The answer is that it depends a lot on what options you choose. I’ll tell you that are most popular model costs about $400, but you can get a bare bones model cheaper. With all the bells and whistles, it’s still less than $1000.

WILCOX: Wow, that’s about half of what you’d pay for a really nice factory made rifle, and a lot less than one made by hand.

LEE: The Haikili is by far the cheapest custom rifle you can buy, and it’s quality is on par with the finest handmade firearms you can find. I think we’re at the beginning of a firearm renaissance, and I plan on leading the charge.

WILCOX: I’m sure a lot of viewers have been waiting for something like this. I know I have been concerned that it was getting too hard to get a gun in Maui. This makes the process much easier, especially for travelers.

LEE: Yeah, someone who has veiled to Lahaina can have a really good rifle in less than an hour. I think that’s something we can all be happy about.

WILCOX: Well, I’m sold. Thanks for coming in, and talking about your gun Ano. Can we go to the range, and try one of these amazing rifles out now?

LEE: Thanks for having me Randy. Let’s go and blast holes through a couple cans of SSHAM.

STORYLINE

Man Attempts To Break Longest Noodle Record To Fight Hunger

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Food insecurity is a big problem in Hawaii, that Lahaina resident Ralph Umeke plans on fighting with a giant noodle. Partnering with Veilcorp, Umeke will attempt to break the world’s record for the longest handmade noodle, in an event to bring awareness to the problem, and raise money for food pantries across the island.

According to the Department of Human Services (DHS), over 16% of Hawaiian households have difficulty during the year providing for all their members due to lack of resources. That is a statistic that Umeke, owner of the famous “Hula Noodle” eatery, finds troubling.

“I think it’s a shame, disgraceful really, that even in paradise, over a quarter million people aren’t sure where their next meal is coming from. We live in an amazing time. People can travel to any destination in the world in a matter of seconds, we have the ability to genetically engineer plants and animals like never before, but we still haven’t figured out how to make sure kids aren’t going to bed on an empty stomach. I had no idea the problem was this bad until a few months ago, but I’m doing everything I can to raise awareness and work towards a solution. That’s what this event is about. Showing everyone that they can make a difference using whatever skills and resources they have. I know noodles, and with the help of my Veilcorp partners; I’m going to make the longest one the world has ever seen.”

Hundreds of food insecure families will be the guests of honor for the event this weekend, hosted by Veilcorp. Umeke will attempt to create, by hand, one continuous noodle over 1.25 miles long (2,000 meters). If successful, the noodle will be served to the guests of honor and a number of special donors. There will be food, music, games, and information on how to help struggling households for the general public as well.

“When Uncle Ralph asks you to help, you can’t say no,” says Veilcorps VP of Special Projects Brie Howard. “The statistics about food insecurity in Hawaii are heart-wrenching. We are honored that a fixture of the Lahaina community like Mr. Umeke would ask us to help raise awareness to such an important issue. Whether he’s helping to keep our beaches clean by teaching kids the importance of recycling, or making sure that everyone has food and water after the devastation of hurricane Neki, Ralph Umeke is always striving to make the world a better place. We share those ideals at Veilcorp, and are thrilled that we were asked to be part of this record breaking event.”

Umeke says he’s confident that his attempt will be successful, “I actually make more noodles on a busy Saturday. The only issue I see is not letting it break, but I’ve been making noodles for over 40 years. At this point my hands just know what to do. I’m pretty sure that I’ll break the record.”

Ralph’s confidence might be in part due to a high-tech ace up his sleeve. Long-time friend and fellow Lahaina resident Ano Lee says the pair have been preparing for weeks using a virtual reality training system.

“I know that he is serious about this issue because he’s letting me talk to you. I’ve never known Uncle Ralph to be scared of anything, but he is terrified that someone is going to ask to take his picture while he’s wearing the rig I built. It may look a little funny, but it is really amazing. The Noodle Simulator’s helmet syncs up with the wearer’s ceremplant, the vest and boots measure subtle body movements, the wristbands track the hands, and all the data is fed and recorded into the belt. We have simulations that account for environmental factors like high humidity, wind, and rain, anything that might affect the strength of a noodle. He’s done great in the practice runs so far, so I’m sure everything will go smoothly this weekend. We’ve collected so much useful data that I think we could train someone to be the next Uncle Ralph by simplifying the system and hooking them up. Not that I ever would of course. I think he’s prepared for anything that could come his way at this point.”

Umeke says he appreciates the outpouring of support for the cause. “This wouldn’t be possible without the help of Veilcorp, the volunteers, DHS, and yes, Ano and his crazy noodle simulator. I appreciate everyone’s help, but I want to make sure that nothing overshadows the reason we’re all coming together. I’m going to make a noodle over a mile long, but we all have miles of work left to do. We need to ensure that our friends and neighbors don’t have to worry about something as simple as a meal.”

STORYLINE

Hundreds Rescued From Veilcorp “Floatilla Protest”

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Off Baby Beach this morning, the so-called Veilcorp “protest floatilla” dissolved into disarray, less than a week after it began. Hundreds of protestors had to be rescued from the water with dozens being treated for exposure and related injuries. 6 people are in serious condition. Officials say alcohol and drug use contributed to the chaos, adding that they are looking into charging protest organizer, John Driscol.

According to Driscol it all started last Saturday, April 11th. He had just had a heated conversation with a tourist about the safety of Veilcorp’s Icarus project and the solar production of 127 (Unbiseptium). Many, including prominent scientists, are concerned about the impact the element is having on the surrounding environment.

“I was so hot after talking to that know-it-all, that I had to leave the beach bar and cool off in the water. I stepped on an urchin almost right way, and that’s when it occurred to me: Veilcorp is making Lahaina a terrible place by storing huge amounts of 127 in the ground and ruining our beaches by dumping thousands of urchins in the water. There’s no way I could actively do anything to stop them, they’re a huge organization. If I had any chance of making myself and my concerns heard, I’d have to do the opposite. I’d do nothing, and I’d do nothing for a long time. I’m good at nothing and It didn’t surprise me at all how fast the protest caught on.”

Armed only with floaties, kayaks, paddleboards, and a few swimming mattresses, John and a few friends floated out in the Baby Beach area and begin their lackadaisical protest. Word of the unique demonstration spread quickly through social media. By Sunday, hundreds, some with boats, had joined Driscol in his floating revolt against Veilcorp and the status quo. That evening, the story was picked up by numerous media outlets and the response was “staggering”.

While many were confused about the exact purpose of the floatilla or how they planned on accomplishing their goals, some locals embraced the idea and offered their help. Inventor Ano Lee provided the floatilla with 5 of his Sharknet modules to help protect against attacks. “I’m not necessarily behind the movement, to be honest I’m not even sure what it is they hope to accomplish, but I love the idea of almost a thousand people becoming convinced that floating in the sun and drinking beer is a radical form of protest. I’ll support that kind of thinking however I can, just to see what will happen,” Mr Lee said.

Others provided suntan lotion and offered emergency floatie patching services. Driscol says, “I made it clear that this was a BYOB kind of thing, but a couple of my backers did send out care packages of pineapple and orange wedges, cherries, and pretzels to help us keep our strength up, but there just wasn’t enough bar garnish for everyone.” Officials estimate that at its height Wednesday evening, a living raft of almost 10,000 protesters had joined the floatilla and major issues began to surface.

Those issues came to a head Thursday night and carried over into this morning. Over 30 first responders worked on treating victims overnight suffering from severe dehydration, heat stroke, and exposure. A dozen conservation officers weaved their way through the water, conducting safety checks and looking for underage drinkers. They estimate that the cost of the cleanup effort to remove all the trash left by the protestors is going to reach into the tens of thousands. Ocean Safety lifeguards and the U.S. Coast Guard are scheduled to assist the effort today. Many are now calling for the government to break-up the floatilla and file charges against Driscol. An anonymous source inside the mayor’s office says that at the very least, Driscol will be billed for the cleanup and emergency response.

Veilcorp COO Lisa Hunt says she is bewildered by the protest, its leader in particular, and hopes that everyone makes a full recovery, despite what they think about the company.

“I’m rarely surprised these days but I have to admit the size of this group of disgruntled floaters amazed me. Very early on we made contact with Mr. Driscol to ascertain exactly what it was he wanted and his quote was, ‘I want you to stop.” When we pressed for specifics about what it was he wanted stopped he responded, “You know, all of it.” That was the extent of our negotiations. The fact that anyone got behind this man is astonishing to me. John Driscol is like some sort of mythical creature from a parable. He has become so lazy and unwilling to take responsibility for his actions that he has created work for himself, and will be left holding the bag for all the misdeeds of his fellow floatillians. It’s an amazing accomplishment, but not one anybody should be proud of.”

STORYLINE

Self-Lighting Torches Put Lahaina Beautification Project On Hold

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A multi-million dollar beautification project has been put on hold, due to safety concerns over automated tiki torches, that are set to replace streetlights in many Lahaina neighborhoods. Numerous injuries, and at least one fire have been blamed on the high-tech devices lighting prematurely, and failing to automatically extinguish themselves, as they were designed. Creator of the self-lighting torches Ano Lee says he’s worked out the bugs, and with the backing of Mayor Cravalho, plans to install the rest in various neighborhoods this week.

Sold to the public as a way to offset some of the recent construction on Front Street, that many see as an unwanted attempt to modernize the look and feel of the area, the project was to cover a wide area around Lahaina. The initiative was to make bus stops, fire hydrants, and mail boxes less noticeable, put severe restrictions on outdoor advertising and business signage, and incorporate more traditional art in public spaces. The main focus however, was replacing many of the area’s streetlights with the automated torches.

Mayor Cravalho says, “Tourists are a vital part of the Lahaina economy, but we’ve always been careful to preserve our history and the aloha spirit of the land. The InterIsland Preservation and Travel Act (IPTA) was designed to help save our culture and infrastructure by limiting the number of monthly visitors allowed to travel to Maui, but it clearly wasn’t enough. We were still losing the look, feel, and other aspects of Lahaina that makes it special everyday. We felt this city-wide facelift was needed to preserve this beautiful place. We decided the automated torches would be the most powerful reminder to visitors that they were in Hawaii, and I’m sure everyone will agree once we work the bugs out.”

Using a specialized recycling solid-fuel-system, with light sensing modules, and a self-ignition system, the torches may be the most technically advanced of all time. “They’re super awesome, the flame is even water resistant. They’ll keep burning in a hurricane!” says Lee. “Without getting too stuck in the weeds, the torches sense when it’s getting dark, ignite and extinguish themselves according to preset lightness levels, and utilize a specialized fuel recycling system of my own design. Basically the fuel melts as it burns and is caught in a special reservoir inside for later use. In theory one of my torches could burn without refilling for over 50 years.”

Despite their technological sophistication, there have been numerous complaints and injuries blamed on the torches, including a recent fire in a public works warehouse. Reports claim that the torches will turn on during exceptionally cloudy days, and children have been known to turn them on by holding umbrellas or pieces of cardboard over them. The fire was caused by a parks employee when he turned out the light in the storage area, and the torches ignited. Lee counters that these incidents were caused by user error and he’s taking steps to “dummy-proof” his inventions.

“These incidents were all caused by people turning up the light sensitivity dial to its maximum setting, making the torches ignite whenever it found itself in a shadow. The public works guy failed to replace the ignition safety rings when he put them back in storage. I’m working on ways to dummy-proof the torches now, but to be honest they’re just so cool, I’m having a hard time changing anything. I mean, these things will provide downtown and select neighborhoods with natural lighting and an authentic Hawaiian feel. On top of that, you never have to worry about losing your lighter at night, these torches are perfect for lighting your favorite cigar or brand of cigarettes. It’s super convenient.”

Still, many residents have reservations about the cost of the project, and the utility of the torches compared to traditional street lights. One of the loudest opponents is Preservation Zone Compliance Liaison to the Mayor’s Office and HOA President of Tanager Lane, Elizabeth Stonegate. She says, “this is not the beautification program I was promised when I voted for it.”

“I think we’ve had enough mysterious fires in Lahaina, we certainly have no need of “don’t know Lee’s” inferno sticks lining the roads. Just look at the areas where these torches have been installed. They look like something out of a movie about college kids visiting a remote tribe, only to end up in a stew pot. I thought this “beautification” would involve things that mattered: Mandatory lawn mowing and improvement days, reasonable house colors, properly weeded flowerbeds in front of every house, prohibiting car washing in your driveway, containing children’s play to backyards and monitoring their noise levels, you know, things that would actual raise property values and make certain areas that I won’t mention right now, more seemly. I can promise you one thing, Tanager Lane will not be participating in this make Lahaina beautiful again fiasco. Under my direction, my part of Lahaina has always been beautiful.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina residents bond over SSHAM and sandbags

Mother nature is not going easy on Maui residents this year. Barely a month into the hurricane season the island has already faced the fury of 3 storms, but none of them have reached the intensity of Neki. The storm has already produced winds of up to 115 mph and meteorologists say that it could get even bigger before it hits.

Mayor of the County of Maui Albert Cravalho has cancelled tonight’s firework display and has issued a statement urging the public to prepare for the worst. All across the island people are bracing themselves and their houses for what might be the most powerful storm to ever hit the island. The National Weather Service now says that Neki might surpass Iniki, the category 4 hurricane that hit Hawaii in 1992.

While the general mood on the island is serious, and many are concerned, the looming storm has also highlighted an extraordinary sense of love and community. Mr. Cravalho says he couldn’t be more proud. This Hawaiian spirit and sentiment is especially true for the Lahaina area.

The Veilcorp facility there has ceased all travel activity and opened the doors to the public to use as an emergency shelter. Dan Kukulu, head of operations says,

“Our doors are open to anyone who is worried about the storm. We have nice strong walls and reinforced windows. Teams are going over every square inch of the facility right now to ensure everyone’s safety. We’re stocked up with enough water and Manimal for a week. We even have some entertainment to take your mind off the wind outside thanks to the Pu’u high school jazz ensemble. Everyone is welcome to come in, have a seat, and tap your feet until this whole thing blows over.”

All along Front Street businesses are boarding up windows and trying to protect themselves from flooding. Hula Noodle, a popular area shop has even offered SSHAM Musubi to everyone who helps fill sandbags. Owner Ralph Umeke says he’s proud, but not surprised at the willingness of his neighbors to lend a hand. “That’s what makes this place special. We’re like a big family. Sure, maybe a few people get on your nerves from time to time but in the end we all pitch in when we need to. Besides, I’m giving out bowls of SSHAM pho to anyone who fills 10 sandbags and that stuff is onolicious.”

North of Front Street others are offering some high-tech alternatives to sandbags. The local maker commune has been busily printing modular surge barriers all day and offering them up to anyone in need. Ano Lee says,

“The machines are hot and we’re almost out of materials but we’ll keep printing until we can’t anymore. This is my home and I want to do everything I can to help. We’re using a pretty cool pattern that I worked on a few years ago. The panels are easy to put together and they’re sturdy. We’ve installed purple LEDs along the top, and blue along the sides so they should look super cool at night, especially highlighted with a little lightning. In addition, every other panel has a small speaker and some pre-loaded music. I have to admit, our hurricane playlist might be the best we’ve ever made.”

People have been queuing up for the barriers all day including Scott Stonegate. The local man says that he isn’t usually the kind to hang out at the commune but appreciates what Lee is doing. Stonegate says he’s using the experience as a life lesson for his kids. “Their mom is the president of our HOA so she’s busy right now making sure that all the plywood is properly fitted over windows, and that there isn’t any unnecessary markings on them. I think it’s important for our kids to see that even in an emergency, standards are important.”

Scott says that if it wasn’t for Lee, his neighborhood of Tanager Lane might not have any workable solution should the storm surge reach far inland.

“I’ve already cleared away anything from around the garage that might be of concern. However, if it wasn’t for these panels my classic Mustang Shelby GT350 might be in danger of getting flooded out. Ivy is the most beautiful custom green and I don’t know what I’d do if her electronics got ruined. I’m over here working with people that I normally avoid in the lightning and raging winds with my kids to teach them an important lesson. You need to do anything you can to ensure the safety of the things you hold most dear.”

The latest National Weather Service forecasts predict Neki to make landfall sometime early tomorrow morning. Until then, the residents of Lahaina will continue to share SSHAM, sandbags, and a sense of community.

STORYLINE

Popular SSHAM Based Nutritional Drink To be Offered at Lahaina Medical Center

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The Lahaina Medical Center and SSHAM have reached a deal to offer certain patients the canned meat company’s wildly popular new meal replacement drink, Sshamplete. The medical facility says that the drink will be made available to patients suffering from nutritional deficiencies, or having trouble eating their meals. Offering such drinks to patients in medical settings is not unusual, but it is the first time Sshamplete has been provided as an option at the medical center.

SSHAM creator and CEO Art Pua’a says he is excited that the hospital will be “using Sshamplete to nourish, and help heal our sick neighbors.” Pua’a admits that he was skeptical about the idea of making a meal replacement drink at first, but changed his mind when he learned how many Hawaiians, especially the elderly, don’t receive the recommended daily nutrition they need. “Many don’t even know what vitamins, minerals, and nutrients they need for optimum health every day. That’s what our drink is all about. If you’re not sure that your getting all the nutrients you need, Sshamplete is there for you. Just three of our tasty drinks a day, provides everything a body needs to thrive and function properly. In addition, Sshamplete has five times the recommended dietary allowance of protein in every can, making it an excellent option for those healing from a medical procedure, and those trying to get more lean muscle alike.

Art points to recent research showing that many aging adults can benefit from an increased protein intake to help optimize their health, and protect muscle mass. “Protein is important for every tissue, and organ in the body, even the skin. Along with all the other nutrients in Sshamplete, we have created a complete meal in a can, to help aging bodies have all the amino acids they need to function properly, and maintain optimum health.”

However, it’s not just the sick and elderly who are singing Sshamplete’s praises. Many who are too busy during the day, are turning to the meaty drink for a well balanced diet as well. Local inventor Ano Lee is a big fan of the SSHAMy beverage, and credits the drink with an increase in his productivity.

“Most of my job is thinking and decisions. I ponder possibilities, imagine what might be, and decide whether or not my ideas are viable or practical. With all those decisions running through my head, the last thing I want to think about is a meal. There’s so many choices, an so many nutrients that a body needs everyday, you can get lost just thinking about it. On top of that, once you’ve decided, you have to still sit and wait for the microwave to cook it. I just didn’t have time for all that and my health suffered. Then I tried Sshamplete and everything changed. I’ve tried other meal replacement drinks before, and they were terrible. I even tried making my own, but no matter how many times I strained it, the texture was never right. Sshamplete is always smooth going down, and that’s what makes it special. To be honest the taste isn’t really that great either, and it’s really thick, kind of like a half-melted shake, but it’s so smooth that you can easily get a whole can down before your taste buds know what’s happening. Three cans a day is all you need to keep you going. I’ve never felt better!”

While the extraordinarily high protein content of Sshamplete is beneficial to some, Betsy Kaukau of the Hawaii State Department of Health, points out that a diet too high in protein can have detrimental effects on well being, and the household plumbing, leading to serious issues. “While there are potential benefits to a high-protein diet, it is important to to be aware there are some pretty serious risk as well. This is especially true for the elderly, and with the extremely high protein levels found in Sshamplete. The list of possible complications is long, and frightening: permanent kidney damage, increased risk of cancer, pvc valve fouling, and calcium loss leading to osteoporosis just to name a few.” Kaukau says the drink, unlike many of its competitors, must be consumed within 30 minutes of opening to avoid bacterial overgrowth. “Since its public unveiling, we’ve have multiple cases of Shamplete drinkers suffering from diarrhea, vomiting, and severe intestinal distress. On top of that, it has become very popular with shark cage tour operators as a chum. It reportedly, is very good at drawing-in a wide range of aquatic species, particularly sharks. I don’t know about you, but I would have extreme reservations about providing a substitute for rotting fish heads, offal, and fetid animal oils to an elderly relative in poor health. As far as I’m concerned the cure is worse than the disease in Sshamplete’s case.”