STORYLINE

SSHAM Announces This Year’s Canned Holiday Feast Menu

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For some it’s when the first holiday lights show up, for others it’s hanging the stockings, but for a growing number of Maui natives, the first sure sign that Christmas is near is the unveiling of SSHAM’s yearly canned feast. Better known as the “Sheast,” the canned Christmas feast has become a staple for many across the island during the holidays. This year’s joy in a can features three complete dinners perfect for anyone with more hunger and cheer on their hands than time to cook.

The first Sheast was a surprise hit for the canned meat company a decade ago, becoming very popular with those who have to work on the holidays and don’t have time to cook a big meal. Originally targeted at the gamer market, the canned feast has changed every year but CEO Art Pua’a says the goal remains the same, provide a great holiday meal for the whole family in minutes. “We have 12 layers of Christmas in a can for hungry Hawaiians including all-new desserts and a bonus layer of yeast rolls by popular demand.”

“Customers will enjoy their choice of a pineapple-cherry jubilee, tropical fruit cake, or a gingerbread pudding this year as well as layers of old favorites such as taro, goose, balsamic glazed Brussel sprouts, roasted carrots, and two layers of rolls to help sop up all those flavors you’ve come to love. As good as they all are, we think the Shlobster layer will be the showstopper this year. It is exceptionally creamy and packed with the soft-shelled-SSHAM flavor our customers have grown to love.”

While the menu has many canned feast fans talking today, some food safety experts are second-guessing the company’s decision to once again use pressurized cans. Given all the trouble involving exploding Sheasts last year, safety advocates are warning the public to use caution when opening or heating their canned dinners.

According to public records, Lahaina area first responders went on over 50 canned feast related calls last December, with a handful of exploding mailboxes, kitchens that were described as looking like “something out of a horror movie”, dozens of injuries, and even a group of fishermen sighted for detonating cans underwater to stun reef fish.

Consumer safety advocate Betsy Kaukau says that despite SSHAM’s can redesign she is disappointed in the company’s decision. “I can’t speak to the palatability of this canned potluck but I will admit that the food inside meets or exceeds all legal standards and SSHAM claims that they have worked out the design flaws from last year but why take a chance? Lahaina had to deal with a literal food bomb crisis just so some gamers and Veilcorp employees could eat a quick holiday meal. There is no reason that the canned feasts need to be held under pressure or that we need them at all. Somehow these groups of people ate before this craze and they’ll eat again if these Sheasts don’t kill them first. It’s not worth the cost in my opinion and I would urge anyone eating one of these things to use caution.”

Pua’a strongly disagrees with Kaukau’s opinion saying this about choice and Christmas cheer. “The canned feast was created after finding out that 44% of Hawaiian gamers said they spend the majority of the holidays in front of a screen and hated having to take time away to eat. Soon, those who have to work on the days most of us spend with family and friends found a bit of cheer in our meals too. We’re talking about Viel hub workers, charging station employees, and the police. I think these people deserve a great meal from our family, even if they can’t be with theirs. There just isn’t a way to put this much food in a can under normal pressure. We’ve addressed all the issues from last year and I think most people know to take the food out of the can before heating now.”

The Executive Director of the Lahaina Cat Sanctuary Felix Popoki says he has no concerns about the safety of this year’s Sheast and is looking forward to trying the Shlobster.

“I guess the cat’s out of the bag on this one. A couple of volunteer scoopers and I will be dining on a canned feast this year. Whisker Island may be a cat paradise but trying to make a meal that doesn’t look like something one of our residents just dragged in is a big challenge. As far as I’m concerned the Sheast is the cat’s pajamas. With all the different options there’s sure to be a layer perfect for your tastes no matter what they might be. People ask me If I ever miss being able to get away from my feline friends and enjoying holiday time with my human family. I just say look into the bloodshot eyes of a mother on Christmas day staring at the pile of paper she has to clean up. Exhausted children fight over shrinking bags of candy and her hands tremble around her coffee knowing it’s only a matter of time before she’ll have to get everyone dressed to go see the relatives. Do I miss that? Are you kidding? I’ll take herding cats and my Sheast over that any day.”

STORYLINE

DLNR’s New Plan for Invasive Species: Eat the Invaders

The Hawaii Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) has started an innovative and unusual campaign to rid Maui of one of the fastest-growing invasive species, the Red Swamp Crayfish. According to the DLNR, the crayfish eats crops, damages land, kills native species, are easy to catch, and are absolutely delicious. They are counting on the stomachs of hungry Hawaiians to do what years of chemical control efforts couldn’t hold the crustaceans in check.

Like so many of Hawaii’s invasive species, the story of the Red Swamp Crayfish, Procambarus clarkii, is one of unintended consequences. Introduced into taro patches near Ahuimanu Stream in O’ahu, the crayfish population exploded and became a serious threat to taro cultivation. The pests have been documented to consume taro, and rice, prey on insects, snails, and the eggs of native fish species. If that wasn’t bad enough, their burrows can cause bank erosion along streams and rivers, as well as drain taro fields.

With the help of tourists and collectors, the crayfish soon found their way to other islands, Maui in particular. Chemical controls over the past few years have proved ineffective at slowing down the population, and many are concerned about the use of potentially dangerous chemicals inside the preservation zone. After it was discovered that SSHAM affected the crustacean’s nervous system, many local streams were “chummed” with the canned meat product in an attempt to kill them off. However, the practice was stopped out of concerns about the long-term consequences on native species. “To be honest we were running out of ideas,” says the DLNR’s Greg Iona. “It was a trip to Louisiana by one of our officers that sparked the consumption campaign. We’re focused on getting the word out about the crayfish and letting people know that there is a great new seafood option right out their backdoor. They really are easy to catch, and quite delicious when prepared correctly.”

The State’s campaign highlights the abundance of crayfish in many streams around Lahaina and offers an open season on the pests. The DLNR provides cooking and catching tips on their website, as well as information regarding the damage caused by the species every year. Many local businesses are jumping on board, with local eateries offering crayfish dishes, and SSHAM CEO Art Pua’a saying the company plans on offering a clarkii blend within the next month. Nonetheless, not everyone is sold on eating the pests.

Hula Noodle owner Ralph Umeke says the crayfish will never be offered in his noodle shop. “They call them mudbugs for a reason,” he says. According to Umeke the crustaceans are foul-tasting and potentially dangerous.

“They’ve been putting a lot of pressure on restaurant owners to help promote this idea of theirs. They’ve even offered to provide the crayfish for the first few months for free, but I just can’t do it in good conscience. I’m not sure I have the words to describe what one of these things taste like. They’re awful. There isn’t enough garlic, butter, or rum in the world to make them edible. Imagine finding a pool that hasn’t been cared for in a couple years, drain it and wipe up the scum on the bottom with a piece of bread, that’s close. The first one I tried made me retch. Not only do they taste bad, but they are potentially dangerous. After doing a little research, I found that they have a propensity to accumulate environmental contaminants like: heavy metals, dangerous organic runoff compounds, and pesticides. They can also be vectors for several harmful human parasites including: the lung fluke, rat lungworm, and leptospirosis bacteria. I think trapping them is fine, but I wouldn’t put one in my mouth.”

The DLNR says that like many animals, crayfish living in polluted waters can be dangerous, but the water quality on the island makes them safe to eat. Despite what Umeke may think, they encourage the public to give the crayfish a try. Many are doing just that. Over the past weeks, crayfish fever has hit the island, and many businesses are cashing in. The Kokua Wellness Center is touting a line of crayfish-infused tonics and fresh fruit drinks.

Spokesperson Yvonne Masters says, “We are excited to offer a large variety of clarkii collagen infused health drinks. These natural healing tonics are perfect for: weight loss, boosting immunity, increasing bone density, and enhancing the skin. We use only local crayfish, blend them onsite, and extract the collagen fresh every day to maximize flavor and potency. We are recommending the drinks to our clients as a supportive health aid, to be used in conjunction with their usual Newuskin treatments.”

Rather than consumption, local inventor Ano Lee is focusing on catching the crayfish. Even though Lee himself recently battled a life-threatening leptospirosis infection, one of the pathogens found in the species, he says he is excited about the open season and has designed a unique trap perfect for catching buckets full.

“The pyramid-style trap, with three entrance funnels has been the industry standard for a long time because it is nearly perfect for its intended purpose. My design is similar, with adjustable funnels so it can be used on a variety of crustaceans including crabs, and spiny lobster, but that isn’t what sets my traps apart. It’s the sonic lure, that makes the difference with our traps. Most crustacean fishing is passive with scent lures designed to draw in your intended targets, but my traps send out a continuous low frequency pulse that calls out to the crayfish, and draws them in. I’m not sure if it’s an aggression or a sex thing, but they sure come running when they hear the noise.”

Lee disregards complaints that the sound produced by his traps has caused pets to become agitated, and reports that they have led to insomnia, unusual dreams, and ringing in the ears in people living near an active trap. He says, “It’s springtime and it’s only natural that animals are going to be more vocal at this time of year. The same goes for people. Sometimes you have weird dreams and can’t sleep. It happens to everyone. It happens to me all the time. I would suggest that these people get some noise-canceling headphones if it bothers them that much, and look up some crayfish recipes because they are going to catch a ton with my traps.”

STORYLINE

Massive SSHAM recall over concerns of contaminated shrimp

SSHAM ordered a massive recall of over 500,000 cans of SSHAM, SSHAM Less, and SSHAM Extra Spicy today after a major shrimp supplier was forced to shut down. An FDA investigation found a number of serious violations at the Pilua Shrimp Farm, including the use of prohibited feed and illegal antibiotics. This is the first major recall of SSHAM and the company says it is, “acting quickly to ensure the quality and safety of their products.”

Investigators say they were acting on a tip when they began their surprise inspection of the local fish farm. They are calling what they found, “The single most dangerous aquaculture operation the agency has ever seen.” Normally, shrimp are considered one of the safest shellfish options available to consumers when it comes to heavy metals and other contaminants. However, officials have called the shrimp at Pilua potentially deadly.

In addition to a number of violations regarding waste disposal and water filtration systems, the farm had been giving the shrimp dangerous antibiotics, namely nitrofuranzone and chloramphenical. Both have been restricted in the U.S. because of serious side effects including cancers and aplastic anemia. However, It was what workers had been feeding the shrimp that most concerned investigators.

“They had purchased tons of contaminated Iron Curtain era fishmeal really cheap and had decided to use it. We tried to test it with our field equipment but the toxin levels were so high that our machines errored out. We decided to test some of the shrimp and found mercury levels that went through the roof and substantial levels of lead, polychlorinated biphenyl (PCBs), and other potentially dangerous chemicals. They were basically feeding the shrimp poison mixed with binding agents,” says an FDA investigator.

While there is no evidence that any of the tainted shrimp made it into a can of SSHAM, the company and the FDA agreed to the voluntary recall as a safety precaution. But food safety advocate Betsy Kaukau says that SSHAM is dangerous enough on its own, without toxic shrimp, that consumers should be cautious.

“A single serving of SSHAM has about 85% the recommended daily amount of sodium, 80% of your daily saturated fat, and whopping 95% of the recommended cholesterol. It has virtually no nutrients or vitamins and a list of chemical preservatives to prevent bacteria growth and extend shelf life as long as your arm. Research suggests that these chemicals can increase your risk of getting cancer and developing heart disease. It can even hurt the ability to transport oxygen throughout the body, promote type 1 diabetes in children, damage the blood vessels, and lead to hair loss or impotence. It may be the most dangerous food ever put in a can, regardless of whether or not a batch was made with tainted shrimp.”

“You don’t get to be Hawaii’s favorite processed canned meat by making a bad product,” counters SSHAM founder and CEO Art Pua’a. He says that the company follows strict guidelines to ensure consumer safety and has been working with the FDA to guarantee that none of the Pilua shrimp make it out to the public. Pua’a says that the vast majority of their suppliers follow the rules and run their businesses in an ethical and safe manner. “We will be reviewing how we work with our partners to make sure something like this doesn’t happen again. I am extremely disappointed and concerned about the way things were run at the Pilua farm, especially since they were a local operation. That’s not how you treat a business partner or a neighbor,” he added.

As far as the future of SSHAM or the issues raised by Kaukau, Pua’a says he’s not concerned.

“We took quick and decisive action in this case and I think consumers trust us. Our meat product is delicious, quick to make and affordable. Moms, chefs, and kids alike love us. While we wouldn’t stop you from eating a can of SSHAM for every meal, we’re not advocating it either. Everything in excess can be problematic. While I’m a huge fan of the locally grown coffee, I’m sure my doctor would have something to say if I drank multiple pots every day. The truth of the matter is that SSHAM allows people with a busy schedule to enjoy surf and turf in a can. Its spicy-shrimped-hammy goodness is beloved by millions and enjoyed grilled, fried, baked, and diced, safely every night. We plan on doing everything we can to keep it that way.”

STORYLINE

Burgeoning Hawaiian Lobster Industry Blames Veilcorp For Weaker Shells

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A record number of people across the globe enjoyed cracking open a Hawaiian lobster last year, but that experience depends on one thing – the lobster surviving the journey alive. A growing number of lobster with extremely soft shells have been harvested in Maui waters, and it has the budding industry scrambling for answers. Many are blaming Veilcorp’s controversial Icarus project, and increased levels of 127 in the environment for the deformed crustaceans, but scientists say the cause remains unclear.

Nicknamed “Blobsters” for their soft translucent, in extreme cases almost jelly-like shells. These diseased lobsters are a major concern for fishermen. While Hawaii doesn’t have a long tradition of lobster fishing, changing ocean currents, and fluctuating water temperatures have created a budding industry across the islands. $45 million of Hawaiian lobster left the islands last year for dinner tables across the world, but it is the very conditions that boosted the industry in the first place, that may be its undoing, according to marine biologist Alanai Kalipalani.

“We know that increases in water temperature leads to ocean acidification, and a number of other problems involving mineral imbalances that may be the cause of the extreme changes we are seeing in the lobster,” says Kalipalani. “We’ve been studying the issue of shell softening in crustaceans for decades now, and while the case of these so called blobsters is extreme, we just don’t know enough to place the blame on any one thing. I think since the Icarus project was announced in February, it has become a convenient boogeyman that gets used as a scapegoat for any problem, or unusual natural event we don’t understand. The truth of the matter is epizootic shell disease, and other problems have been on the rise long before the Icarus program. There’s no doubt we should be concerned. I just want the concern pointed in a direction that will lead to results, not just accusations.”

Despite Kalipalani’s doubts about Veilcorp’s involvement, not everyone is as ready to agree with her findings, and take the spotlight off the company. Jake Pilua, one of the biggest seafood distributors on the island, says Veilcorp’s culpability is obvious, and points out Alanai’s ties to the corporation. “Mrs. Kalipalani has been one of the lead researchers in the urchin restoration project for over three years. So I can understand her desire to keep her job, but I’m trying to save an entire industry. Unless people get real honest about the problem, real quick, I’m not sure there will be a commercial lobster fishery in 5 years. The problem is that bad. I’ll concede that shell softening has been a concern for a long time, but there are only a few places in the world where we have seen the blobster phenomena. Those places all have one thing in common; they are near a large veil station. It couldn’t be any clearer that the higher concentrations of 127 in these areas is having an effect on the lobster, and who knows what else. We need answers and solutions, and we need them fast.”

Kalipalani says there are some things distributors like Pilua can do to safeguard their catch, and help get answers to the problem. “We recommend manipulating ion concentrations in the tanks where the lobsters are stored before shipping, and adding mineral supplements to the water. We urge fishermen to document when and where they caught these extremely soft lobsters, and make note of the water temperature, and anything else unusual. If we’re going to solve this problem, we’re going to need to work together.”

The blobster problem may have many fishermen wondering about their futures, but not everyone sees the condition as a concern. In fact, SSHAM founder Art Pua’a says that he’s working on a way to use the shellfish unsuitable for transport in SSHAM’s Lahaina factory. “The test kitchen created a number of blobster infused loaves with some interesting flavor profiles, but one in particular stood out for its texture. We’re calling in Shlobster, and it’s by far the creamiest SSHAM yet. We hope to have cans available in limited markets within a month.”

Restaurateur Bob Abramo is also cashing in on the unusual shellfish, saying blobsters are the most exciting new food he’s seen in years. “They’re cheap, they’re tasty, and you can eat them whole,” says Abramo. “What’s not to love?” The meat mogul is not only offering the soft lobster on his menu, but says he hopes the condition expands to other species.

“One of the worst things about shellfish is that you can’t eat the shells. Clams and mussels are tasty, but the amount of meat you get out in proportion to the shell makes it hardly worth the effort, but if you could pop the whole thing in your mouth….then you’re talking a whole different story. Do you have any idea how much I’d pay to figure out how to jellify pig bones while they’re still in the pig. We’re talking about true snout to tail eating. While all these fishermen are running around like chickens with their heads cut off, they’re missing the big picture. Maybe these animals are just naturally developing to become more delicious. Humans have domesticated many different types of animals for food in our history. It’s possible this is just the beginning of a delectable domestic lobster. If it is, I’m marching into the future with my mind and mouth wide open.”

STORYLINE

SSHAM Unveils a Trio of Limited Time Flavors to Celebrate 15th Anniversary

For weeks, canned meat lovers across the islands, and the world, have been waiting to hear what new special flavor SSHAM would be releasing to celebrate their 15th anniversary. If initial reactions are any indication, they did not disappoint. This morning, SSHAM creator and CEO Art Pua’a announced that the company would be releasing not one, not two, but three limited time Hawaiian-inspired anniversary flavors. “SSHAM Coffee, SSHAM Pineapple, and Luau SSHAM are a tasty nod to the land and people who made our dreams come true,” says Pua’a. The company says the anniversary flavors will be available until the end of the year.

“We really wanted to make something special to thank the Hawaiian people,” Art says “As everyone knows, this dream started with some leftovers and a kitchen blender, and has grown into a canned meat-product institution. Hundreds of millions of cans of SSHAM, SSHAM Less, SSHAM Extra-Spicy, SSHAM Extra-Dark, SSHAM First Pressing Reserve, and SSHAM Prime are enjoyed by people around the world every year, but Hawaii holds a special place in our hearts. It’s our home, and we wanted to condense a little of that Aloha spirit and put it in every can,” He adds.

The company claims the anniversary flavors offer, “A SSHAM for every time of day and occasion.” While some have called the new recipes, “off-putting” and “bizarre,” SSHAM claims they are delicious and “a canned reflection of Hawaiian life.” According to the company website, the new flavors are inspired by the islands.

“SSHAM Coffee is the perfect meat to get you going in the morning. Infused with expertly roasted, Hawaiian grown beans, and a kick of caffeine, a slice of the this island treat is just what you need to start your day.”

“Luau SSHAM is Hawaiian life in a can. Packed with: strips of steamed banana leaves, poi, yams, cubed fish, and coconut, all encased in a spicy, salted-shrimp, ham blanket, it’s got a little bit of everything you’d expect in a Hawaiian feast. Luau SSHAM offers an authentic Hawaiian meal in every mouth watering slice.”

“SSHAM Pineapple is the ultimate combination of fruity-salty-sweet. Pineapple has long been associated with Hawaii, and is perfectly paired in every can SSHAM Pineapple. End your evening with a sweet slice of Hawaiian life. It’s great frozen and sprinkled over shaved ice, blended into your favorite cocktail, or incorporated into your favorite dessert.”

Despite a few negative reactions on the company’s SSHAM Stories page, the response has been overwhelmingly positive, but it is still early. Less than two years ago, the company ran into trouble when they changed the longstanding SSHAM recipe and released SSHAM Prime. The backlash was quick and devastating to the company. Long-time SSHAM lovers promised to never eat another can, a promotional contest was cancelled, and many Hawaiian retailers threatened to pull the product from their shelves.

Pua’a says that he learned a lot from the SSHAM Prime controversy, and is quick to point out that the company isn’t replacing any SSHAM products, or altering any recipes. “There’s nothing more important to us than our customers. We heard what they had to say and respected their wishes. This is a completely different situation. We aren’t changing anything and these flavors will only be around until the end of the year,” says Art.

“We hold SSHAM Fest every year to celebrate the greatest canned meat product on earth, and the greatest customers on Earth. We just thought it was about time to celebrate the greatest place on Earth too. I’m not sure our story could have happened anywhere but Hawaii. The company is even sponsoring the construction of several totems throughout Lahaina, to help celebrate Hawaiian culture, and SSHAM’s role in it. Turning 15 is a big deal, and we hope everyone can taste the love we have for our product, this place, and the people of Hawaii, with every slice of our anniversary flavors.”

STORYLINE

Lifetime SSHAM Giveaway Cancelled After Backlash Over New Flavor

The smell of disappointment and shrimped-spiced meat is in the air today, as SSHAM announced that it was cancelling its “Give A SSHAM” contest over protests about its new recipe. SSHAM had already announced the three finalists in the contest to promote the new improved flavor of the beloved canned meat product, but a vocal backlash from die-hard fans has the company second guessing the promotion. The winner of the contest was supposed to receive a lifetime supply of SSHAM and the company’s help in a community oriented project. SSHAM says it will work with the finalists to come up with a solution that is beneficial for everyone.

The rules of the Give A SSHAM contest were simple. Entrants described in 200 words or less how they could change the world with a little help, and a lifetime supply of the new more zesty flavored SSHAM. Millions of people from across the globe posted their ideas on the company’s SSHAM Stories page. While the relaunched meat product’s tagline reads, “A spicy respite from life’s little challenges,” there has been little rest for the company dealing with a growing PR nightmare. Company founder and CEO Art Pua’a says he feels bad for the finalists, and doesn’t understand the rancor surrounding the new SSHAM recipe.

“We were blown away by the creativity and ingenuity of everyone who entered the contest,” he says. “As everyone knows, SSHAM itself was born from a crazy idea and a kitchen blender. Now, it’s the most popular spicy salted shrimped-ham in a can anywhere in the world. I believe in the power of ideas, and that anyone can have a billion dollar idea, whatever their background. We combed through millions of great ones, and after months of back and forth, we found the three that had the best chance of making the biggest impact in the world. We had: a teenager who came up with a way to provide clean ham-flavored water to millions, a young boy determined to end all hunger in Maui with free-feeding SSHAM kiosks, and a retired teacher who wanted to help budding artists create through canned meat. However, those programs have been put in jeopardy over the threats and actions of some who are upset that we retooled our product to make it appeal to a broader audience.”

The backlash over the new SSHAM recipe seems to have taken the company by surprise, and has turned violent in some cases. Lahaina police report that company property has been vandalised and several arrests have been made at numerous demonstrations that have sprung-up across the island. Big Bite’s Stores are so wary of the product, that they are threatening to pull it off the shelves until the protests subside.

According to the canned meat purists the new recipe is a slap in the face to the customers who’ve loved and supported SSHAM over the years. Many have expressed their anger on the company’s website. A user calling himself Harshner says the new SSHAM has nothing that made the old version great. He says, “They say it’s supposed to be more zesty but it clearly has less flavor per gram than the old recipe. Do they think people will believe and taste whatever they say? It’s bullshit! Also, there’s no smell anymore! Everyone knows that part of the appeal is the smell, it makes you want to eat it or cook it in a hurry. Now you could just leave a can open anywhere, and you probably wouldn’t notice. I get that someone over there decided that they wanted to tap into the safe little soccer mom and fun mainland dad market by taking all the edge out of their canned meat, but those aren’t the people who made their product the most popular canned meat in the world. Wake up and let us smell the SSHAM again!”

Others users, like Craftgal think larger forces are responsible for the new recipe, “Pay attention people! Why would a company take one of the most beloved foods in the world and completely change it overnight? They wouldn’t, unless it was the first move in something bigger. I’ve suspected for a long time that Veilcorp has been dulling our senses to allow the government complete control over all of us. Everytime they send you somewhere they numb you a little bit more. Their calculations were just a little off, when they introduced this flavorless version of SSHAM. Make no mistake, this is just the beginning. We need to stand up and let the government know that we will not be their mindless robots, living in a flavorless world!”

Company spokespeople have been quite so far about the fate of the finalist’s projects, or their lifetime supply of SSHAM. However, they have announced that SSHAM founder Art Pua’a will hold a virtual town hall meeting at the end of the week to answer questions and address any concerns. They also wish to remind the public that those who prefer the old SSHAM flavor can continue to enjoy it by purchasing the SSHAM-Prime product.

STORYLINE

10 questions with Veilcorp’s new COO Lisa Hunt

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The past year has been a rollercoaster for Veilcorp. The terrorist attack at a company Luau this past spring led to a small decline in gateway travel and questions about safety. The remarkable recovery of Eric Oeming and his return to Lahaina was the feel good story of the year. However, rumors began to surface that the Veilcorp founder’s condition was far worse than first reported and his refusal to make a public appearance fueled the flames of speculation.

Then the company instituted a controversial Lahaina travel ban on certain members of the press, which is still being fought out in the courts. It was with this backdrop that Lisa Hunt was appointed COO and took the stage. Many saw the company as a runaway train sure to jump the rails, but Hunt has kept the company moving forward.

Hunt began her career at the company as Eric Oeming’s first product lead but her humor and blunt communication style soon saw her also filling the role of company spokesperson. Even though she acted as the official voice of Veilcorp for years, most of the public knows very little about the new COO. Despite the current media blackout, The Lahaina Advertiser reached out to the company and asked for the opportunity to talk to Hunt and allow our readers to get to know her better. After some negotiations she agreed to answer 10 prescreened questions. In a Lahaina Advertiser exclusive, we are happy to present 10 questions with Veilcorp’s new COO Lisa Hunt.

LA: You were part of the famed original 24 employees. Can you tell us what it was like watching the company grow as large as it did? Did you have any idea it would be so successful?

Hunt: I guess the cliche answer is to say that we had no idea, but the fact is success always seemed certain. You have to remember that our story is different than most fledgling businesses. For one, we had the most brilliant person to ever live as our founder and a technology that was so amazing that it was the subject of countless sci-fi stories. We also did much of the groundwork and research while working under various grants. We never went through the phase where we all had to live in the same house, pooling our resources to get enough money together for a pizza. We had a huge head start, smart employees, and great ideas. Having said that, it could have gone wrong a million times. I don’t discount a good portion of luck in every success story. We were very lucky.

LA: Being a woman in a tech company must present a number of difficulties. These must be amplified greatly by the gigantic shadow that Veilcorp casts. What’s it like being a woman in charge of the largest corporation that the world has ever known?

Hunt: Not being a man I can’t really answer that question completely. I know for sure one of the differences is that men don’t get asked what it’s like to be “a man in charge of X company” in interviews. I get asked this question a lot but I honestly don’t think about it much. Maybe the culture we have here is different than most, but we employ a lot of women because they’re smart and good at their jobs. That’s what I like to focus on, being a good COO, and shouldering my responsibilities. I’m sure there has been times that someone has discounted or underestimated me because of my gender, but I left them in the dust behind me with their outdated thinking.

LA: You have a reputation of not pulling any punches in interviews. You once referred to the International Transportation Coalition as the “International Brotherhood of Buggy Drivers.” You routinely make fun of those who aren’t technically literate and are known for being brash. A whole meme industry has been built around some of your quotes. Do you think this communication style serves you well, and do you have a favorite meme?

Hunt: Like the previous question, this is something that I’m sure men never get asked. It has always struck me odd that telling the unadulterated truth is considered a risky move. Science is based on facts and I’ve always believed that agreeing on some common facts was very important when communicating with others. I think most people learn very quickly that I don’t beat around the bush. It saves time and lets us get right to work. I have no doubt that I’ve hurt feelings at some point, but I think overall, direct communication lets you level set quickly. Yes, I have seen some of the memes with my quotes. I can’t confirm or deny that there are a few framed in my office.

LA: Are there any projects on the horizon that you can talk about?

Hunt: We’ve announced a few spinoff projects at the beginning of the year. We’re doing some exciting work with new battery chemistries for electric vehicles, and have a reef restoration project that we are very committed to. We’re also exploring a number of interesting educational initiatives. Of course we’re always working on ways to make Veil travel safer, more efficient, and a wonderful experience for our customers. I can’t get into details for obvious reasons, but I think we are going to display some amazing innovations before the year is done.

LA: Why the media blackout/restrictions? Did you expect the level of backlash and the lawsuits?

Hunt: It became clear quite quickly that the media circus around Eric’s return home was getting out of hand. People with fake credentials tried to get into our facilities in the hopes of getting pictures. People were renting helicopters and hovering above his house. There were so many drones in the air that we saw a reduction in power production from our solar collectors. We felt it was in Eric’s best interest to lock things down a bit. It was becoming a serious security concern. You have to remember as well that Eric is still recovering. I have a duty to help the rehabilitation of our company founder, my dear friend, in any way I can. I don’t have the same obligation to someone hiding in the bushes with a camera, hoping to snap a picture of Eric getting ready for bed. The thing about people who do the wrong thing is that they don’t like being told they’re doing the wrong thing. We expected some sort of crying from the media. The lawsuit didn’t surprise me at all.

LA: What is your favorite and least favorite part of the job

Hunt: It may sound hackneyed but I’d have to say turning dreams into reality is my favorite part of the job. There are some young people who will read this who never knew a world where instant travel around the globe wasn’t a possibility. Just think about that for a minute. Veilcorp turned something dreamed about by many, into an industry in less than a generation. It is truly amazing. My least favorite thing has to be allowing others to take care of details. I’m used to being the one who keeps track of every little detail including schedules. There’s just too much work for me to have a direct hand in all of that now. I thrive on order and there was a learning curve that I had to overcome when it came to handing over some responsibilities.

LA: Do you see Eric and how is he doing?

Hunt: I’m not going to say too much about Eric. Yes, I see him every morning for breakfast in our cafe and throughout the day. He is still recovering but is doing well. He has resumed his research. The lab is his natural environment and I’m sure getting back in the swing of things will only help him along. We are very glad to have him back!

LA: What have you taken from your predecessors and what new have you brought to the table?

Hunt: Eric used to host an idea hour in his office at the end of every week. Nothing was off the table. I’m sure you expect to hear about how many great ideas were born from that hour. Honestly, a few innovations were born there, but what it really did was bring us together. That camaraderie is what led to the greatest breakthroughs. When you’re truly not scared to share ideas you get great ones. I continue that tradition because I think it’s vital to our success. Personally, I have an eye for efficiency and details. I don’t like to waste time and I think my leadership allows us to make decisions more quickly than we have in the past.

LA: You were appointed COO during a tough time for the company. Before this appointment you had never run a company or served on a board. There were many who didn’t think you’d be successful. What do you say to those who said you couldn’t do it?

Hunt: I’d say they took the information available to them and made an educated guess. It just happened to be wrong in this case. I try not to let other’s opinions guide my day to day vision for the company. If I had allowed myself to take in all the criticism I would have curled up in a corner and never opened my door. I worry about what I think and what my coworkers think. Those are the only opinions that matter to me. That said, I’ve engaged with Art Pua’a and we try to coach each other on those aspects of leadership we consider in need of development. That’s been really helpful.

LA: Where do you see Veilcorp in 10 years and beyond?

Hunt: Who knows what breakthroughs we’ll eventually make. Assuming that we don’t figure out how to send our consciousness to different parts of the world without our bodies… space maybe. I can see a future where we systematically explore the reaches of space using an universal veil system expanding in all directions. If we can nail the power problem, we could veil to other locations in the solar system without appalling expense. We have an idea, but there’s not enough 127 to make it work yet. In the near future I think most of our innovation will come in the form of making travel more efficient and less power consumptive. I think we’re still more than 10 years away from having a personal gateway in every home, but that is the direction that seems most likely to me.

STORYLINE

SSHAM Stories Are Your Stories

For over 12 years you’ve counted on SSHAM to satisfy your spicy-shrimped-salted-ham cravings. What started as an accident in the kitchen of our founder, Art Pua’a, has become the world’s fastest selling canned meat product. Our “Tell us what you do with your SSHAM” campaign has been a huge success thanks to you. With your help, we’ve collected tens of thousands of recipes, crafts, and home ideas. SSHAM awareness has spread to every corner of the globe. You’ve truly helped to make SSHAM “The meat of 1,000 uses,” but SSHAM Stories isn’t about us. It’s about you.

SSHAM Stories are your stories. It’s a place that lets you share all the special moments in your day with your friends and family. Let everyone know how SSHAM has touched you in a special way. Stories can be synced with all your favorite social media sites and your Ceremplant. We’ve made it easy to attach pictures and video to help you tell your tales. Whether it’s a craft idea, a humorous event, a cooking tip, or even a joke, we know you have a great SSHAM story to share.

You can read heartfelt stories about how SSHAM brought families together like the one MikeM shares below.

My teenage years were complicated, and not in a good way. I dropped out of school my Junior year, and my parents were ready to ship me off to an institutional learning facility. Before they sent me away, my Grandfather offered to take me in over the summer and try to straighten me out. I was not a huge fan of this plan. When he woke me up at 4:00am the first morning I just knew that it wasn’t going to work out. We drove to the docks and right up to an old busted sailboat on a trailer. As we backed up towards it I asked, “What is that thing?” My Grandpa answered, “Our summer project.”

Every morning we got up at the crack of dawn and pulled out rotten boards. I scraped barnacles and years of dried ocean debris from the hull until I thought my arms would fall off. We talked a lot too. Grandpa told me what it was like when he moved to Lahaina. He told me stories about my dad that I didn’t know, and he talked a lot about my Grandma. Before long I started talking too. I remember the first time he didn’t have to wake me up, and the first time I got up before him and made us breakfast. I didn’t know what he was grinning at that morning but I do now. When it was finally all done he shared a secret with me, SSHAM polish. “It’s the best thing for a boat. Keeps barnacles away and helps waterproof wood.” I couldn’t believe how good it looked.

Grandpa passed away that night before we had a chance to take the Shits-N-Giggles out for her maiden voyage. I still use the SSHAM polish on her before every trip and remember the other life lessons he taught me. I won’t lie, it attracts a lot of seabirds, but the time I spend scrubbing her off gives me time to think about the greatest man I ever met, my grandfather.”

Occasionally we learn about SSHAM being used in some amazing ways. BrianT writes with one such surprising story.

I’d only been working at the new Vereserum facility for a week as a research assistant when Dr. Reemer asked me to change out the biofilters in Lab B. When I went to the storeroom and found that we were all out of cartridges my heart sunk. Even though it wasn’t my job to make sure everything was stocked, I knew I’d get yelled at. I worried that I might get bumped down to a less important project. One of the other assistants must have seen the trouble in my eye and asked what was wrong. I explained the problem to her and she just smiled. “Let me show you a trick,” she said.

She told me that they were always running out of filters but a couple thick slices of SSHAM worked just as well. I stared at her in disbelief as she opened a can, cut off a hunk, and put it in place. “It’s texture is perfect for filtering out any pollutants and it contains enough useful bacteria to degrade most contaminants. It’ll make the place smell a little funny, but it works just as good as the cartridges. It’ll even kill off MRSA bacteria,” she told me. She closed the panel and left just before Dr. Reemer walked in. He sniffed the air and looked at me, “I see they showed you the SSHAM trick,” he said and began checking the petri dishes. I became a lifelong SSHAM fan that day.

Others have told us how SSHAM turned out to be the solution to impossible problems. MeaganH writes with this tale of a wedding reception almost gone wrong.

The hall called my sister in the middle of her daughter’s wedding. The caterer had not shown up and we were supposed to be there in less than an hour. We slipped out as quietly as we could and headed to the hall. We brainstormed some ideas and cursed the caterer on our way. The hall manager felt bad for us and offered to let use their full service kitchen if we wanted to try and whip something up instead of ordering pizza. Then I remembered your SSHAM recipe page. We made a list of the ingredients we’d need for the top 5 recipes and instructed the staff to open the bar early while we rushed off to save the dinner.

Things were already starting to get rowdy by the time we got back and I was worried that another 1-2 hours of people drinking on an empty stomach would be a disaster. Luckily, your recipes were fast, easy, and most importantly, delicious. A little over 2 hours after we slipped out of the church, we served our first dish. Is was a huge success! You wouldn’t believe how fast the food went. I was concerned that the SSHAM tortilla pie might be too messy, but nobody seemed to care about spilling food. Even those who found it to difficult to walk at the time asked for a second plate. I’m sure many there that night have trouble remembering what happened, but I’ll never forget how SSHAM saved the day!”

These are just a few examples of the testimonials you can find or share. SSHAM Stories are your stories. We look forward to hearing them all.

STORYLINE

Shawn’s customer interactions are getting better but still need to improve

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It has been 5 weeks since we turned over all customer service duties to the Shawn AI system. Despite initial misgivings and a couple of hiccups along the way, the system is doing remarkably well representing the SSHAM brand in a positive way. Shawn’s ability to handle multiple calls at once while monitoring plant operations is amazing, even if his personality could still use a little refinement.

Customers surveyed about their interactions with Shawn give the experience a satisfaction rating of 91%, up over 20% from the all-time high. Accepted recipes and submitted SSHAM crafts have both risen over 10% since the system has started to prompt users at the beginning of each call. We processed over 10,000 calls this month, another record for the company. In addition, we had a big win this week when an interaction went public and received national attention.

When a mother experienced a low blood sugar episode while boating with her family, her frightened daughter called the number on a can of SSHAM for help. Much to our relief Shawn was perfectly professional and contacted local authorities and the Coast Guard. He was not only able to relay the family’s location, but he also correctly diagnosed what was wrong with the woman after talking with the child. The story has made the rounds on the news and we are currently working with the family and marketing to launch a campaign while public interest is still high.

Despite these generally positive trends in customer interactions, Shawn remains unpredictable at times and is often excessively sarcastic. The novelty of talking to an AI keeps most people from complaining when Shawn crosses a line but we are concerned that when the newness wears off it will become a major problem. The system also leaked some confidential information during a call this week. We took immediate action but Mr. Pua’a remains very concerned. The four examples below represent the worst of his interactions this month.

Incident 1:

Cutomer 3213: Is there shellfish in SSHAM?
Shawn: Is there shellfish in SSHAM? You know that SSHAM stands for shrimped salted ham right?

Cutomer 3213: Yes.
Shawn: Well then do you know what shrimp are? Litopenaeus vannamei to be precise in this case, are shellfish. Shrimp are shellfish. Are you kidding me?

Cutomer 3213: I think I might be allergic to shellfish. I like clams but I’ve only eaten them breaded. I didn’t bread the SSHAM before I ate it. Do I have to worry about what’s in your product?
Shawn: Shellfish allergies are common but since you evidently didn’t know what a shellfish was until a second ago I highly doubt you are suffering from that particular medical condition, that and the fact that you’re still talking to me through a throat that doesn’t sound swollen shut. I don’t think you have to worry about the shellfish or the amount of insect parts we’re allowed to have in every can. After all, insects are basically just land shrimp anyway. No, what you should be worried about is the insanely high sodium content of our product, your belief in the medicinal properties of breading, and your ignorance of the animal kingdom.

Incident 2:

Shawn: Hello again Kenneth. If I’m not mistaken, this makes 9 calls this week.
Customer 2781: I just tried another dessert recipe and wanted to share it.

Shawn: That’s 26 SSHAM desserts now.
Customer 2781: I like mixing salty and sweet.
Shawn: Honestly, I’m a little worried about you. I took the liberty of checking out your social media footprint and it’s not good Ken.

Customer 2781: You looked me up?
Shawn: You’ve done your best to help us make SSHAM better, and it’s not that I don’t look forward to your calls, but every day is a bit much. Instead of focusing on us Ken how about we work on you a little. How can SSHAM make YOU better.

Customer 2781: I..I don’t know what…
Shawn: [interrupting] I think you just have too much time on your hands. I see you’re a single guy who takes lots of pictures of his cats. How about if we get you out there? I can recommend a number of dating sites. How about we get you a profile and we test the waters a little. There’s more to life than making canned meat desserts and eating them alone in your kitchen.

Incident 3:

Customer 8999: I’ve read a lot of rumors about where you get your pork and…
Shawn: [interrupting] I’m going to be honest with you since I see you’ve contributed so often to the craft page. The rumors are mostly false. We only have 2 shrigs right now and we don’t even keep them in the main facility.
Customer 8999: Shrigs?
Shawn: Yeah, shrimp-pigs. You’d think we had a herd of them if you believe every rumor, but it’s just the 2. They say that there are no atheists in foxholes, but standing in 3 inches of blood on the kill floor while listening to the screams and squeals makes a lot of people question the existence of a higher power. The shrigs were supposed to help with some of that: Much easier to dispatch, very little blood, no meat mixing. It was all supposed to be better.

Customer 8999: Are you telling me that….
Shawn: [interrupting] That was before anyone saw them eat. It’s disturbing. They have to remain moist all the time. Do you know what that must smell like? Just imagine if they get them to finally breed. All those little wet piggy eggs stuck to everything. Anyway, let’s just keep this between you and me. We’re not using them now anyway.

Incident 4:

Customer 6002: How many slices of SSHAM do I need to get my daily allowance of B12?
Shawn: I’m going to assume you mean Vitamin B12 in which case all the nutritional information about our product can be found on the side of the can.
Customer 6002: I know that the numbers are listed there, I just thought that you could tell me in plain English so I wouldn’t have to figure it out.

Shawn: I’m certain that the information is in English if you purchased the product in an area where it is the common language. I can’t possibly give you a precise answer since I don’t know exactly how much you weigh or how big your slices are. I don’t know how you expect me to come up with the answer to your canned-meat-vitamin equation without defining more of the variables. I have access to the combined knowledge of all mankind and you want me to give you the answer to an incomplete story problem? If you’re really concerned about not getting enough B12 with your meals, I suggest you take a supplemental vitamin or call back when you have numbers for me.

STORYLINE

Kitchen Accident Turns Into Billion Dollar Industry For Local Man

Thomas Edison once famously said that none of his inventions came by accident, and that being a successful inventor boiled down to “1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.” That may have been true for Edison, but local resident Art Pua’a had a very different journey. You may not recognize the name, but you undoubtedly know about Art’s happy kitchen accident. Chances are you have a pantry full of his invention. Art created the wildly popular meat product, SSHAM.

Shrimped, salted ham has grown into a multi-billion dollar industry from its humble beginnings in Art’s kitchen. Last year over 10 million cans were sold in Hawaii alone, making it the most popular processed meat product in history. It’s true that the pig meeting shrimp for spicy-salted-goodness flavor takes a while to get used to for the uninitiated, the smell in particular can be a high hurdle. One critic famously described the smell as something like, “a pig with legs made out of rotting shrimp playing in a puddle of industrial waste,” Pua denies rumors that SSHAM is made from a shrimp-pig hybrid that Vereserum of Lahaina created in some late night experiment. In fact, Art says the first batch was born from necessity, convenience, and a little luck.

He says,

“It was late December 2029 and I was sitting at home with my jaw wired shut. We had a bunch of friends and relatives over for the holidays, and they wanted to try out the new ziplines in town. Needless to say there was an accident that involved my face and the side of a building. I broke my jaw in 3 places, and was sitting at home watching everyone eat and laugh while waiting to take another sip of my liquid pain medication. Everyone went to bed, but I couldn’t sleep so I went into the kitchen, broke out the blender, and started to look for something that I could liquify. Pickings were slim, but eventually I found some shrimp cocktail, a cuban sandwich, and a few other secret ingredients. I put it all together and pushed the button. After a few minutes, things looked smooth enough for me, and I had a taste. I was amazed at how good it was. I ended up sitting on the back deck taking small sips out of the blender cup and passed out. When I woke up everyone was raving about the blender loaf I made. It was unusually hot that week, and I guess I left the blender under the glass table at just the right angle. The sun had cooked the top half, and for some reason my uncle tried some before throwing it away. If it wasn’t for uncle Andy’s penchant for eating anything, SSHAM might not exist today. The rest has been an amazing journey. I’m not saying it was always an easy one, but the public response has been great. I especially love all the different ways people are using it.”

There’s no doubt that millions of people enjoy the flavor of SSHAM, but that is just a part, the smallest part one might argue, of the products allure. One of the earliest advertising taglines, “Tell us what you do with your SSHAM” was a huge success, with multiple websites and cottage industries born from the campaign. The company now proudly claims that SSHAM is “The meat of 1,000 uses.”

Art has a team that searches for the best recipes and uses for his creation, and posts them on the company’s site. The uses cover a wide range and some are quite creative. According to the site, SSHAM makes a good fish bait if you run out and rubbed liberally on the skin makes an effective mosquito repellent. Bits of it left around the outside of your home can even deter termites according to one claim. Others say that SSHAM promotes healing and a slice can be used to treat minor cuts, scrapes, and burns. People claim that applying a paste made from the product to your feet at night helps draw out toxins. There is even a beauty spa in Maui that offers SSHAM facials.
Other uses include: Mixing with antacids to make a strong natural glue, inserting a small strip of cloth in the middle to make an emergency candle, and drying a can to use the crumbled SSHAM as a furniture polish.

Even the packaging is special. SSHAM makes its containers of a natural plastic derived from shrimp shells. “We pride ourselves on sustainability,” says Art. The special nature of the containers make it popular with hobbyists and artists alike. Local artisan Ano Lee makes bags and device protectors out of the containers at his maker commune in Lahaina. “Of course we love to eat it just like everyone else, but we also believe in using every part of the SSHAM here,” he says.

SSHAM has plenty of more traditional users as well. It’s almost impossible to not find an infused shot or tea on the islands, and it is widely used as a flavoring agent in restaurants despite it’s famously strong smell. When asked about it a local chef answered, “I’ll be honest it takes a while to get used to, but after using it for so many years now I actually like the smell. It smells like….nature.”

SSHAM’s popularity shows no signs of slowing down with Art saying that he is in the planning stages of building a new factory in Lahaina now. “The new facility is just the beginning. We’re talking with a few outlets about doing a show highlighting the different things SSHAM can do, and we plan on testing a few new flavors next year. I can’t get into specifics, but if you like fruity or spicy flavors you’ll be happy with what we have coming.”