STORYLINE

The History of the Regulators Part II

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There have been a number of groups and individuals who have impacted the day-to-day lives of survivors on the island. Few have had as big of an impact as the regulators, however. The collection of dedicated civil servants and like-minded individuals, strive to implement and enforce the rules and regulations that existed before the collapse of civilization. Many, including the Kānaka, see them as the last vestige of an old failed system. Still, others admire their perseverance.

Earlier this week we covered the group’s founder, Esther Hele, a former DMV worker striving to keep the roads safe and the drivers licensed. Today, we’ll cover the group’s most notorious member, Betsy Kaukau. The name alone is enough to make even the bravest Kānaka warrior nervous. Even amongst members of the Regulators, Betsy is considered misguided. Some say that her story is more fiction than fact and serves as a cautionary tale. Others disagree. Either way, her story is an important piece of island history.

Betsy was not born to love her job like many of the Regulators. She was led down the health inspector path through tragedy. Until her 12th year, the young lady was remarkable only in her unremarkability. She wasn’t interested in anything in particular, excelled in no sport or extracurricular activity. She wasn’t a gifted orator or artist and was an average student. Everything about Betsy was standard with no deviation, until that fateful day at her father’s company picnic.

The media at first didn’t fully appreciate how bad the tainted food was. By the end of the week, they would be calling it the worst case of food poisoning ever recorded. A CDC investigation found that a perfect storm of tainted lettuce, undercooked chicken, and spoiled cole slaw was responsible. There was a cobb salad that combined listeria, trichinosis, salmonella, and e-coli in one dish! There were a number of recalls and legal suits filed but it was too late for the 34 men, women, and children lost that day. It was too late for Betsy’s family.

The girl was sent to live with relatives in Lahaina where she began to finally show an interest in something, microbiology, and food safety. Betsy became obsessed with protecting others from the same fate as her family. As a teenager, she was banned from several local restaurants for barging into the kitchen and demanding to check food temperatures or test sanitizing solutions with her container of test strips. Nobody was surprised when she eventually became a health inspector.

She attacked unsafe food handling practices with a vengeance that unnerved her co-workers and led to a number of official complaints. Betsy was particularly hard on the businesses that had banned her as a teenager. She became convinced that they were lying about their food handling practices and hiding something. When she publicly accused the owner of a popular beach bar of serving poisonous pina coladas, it was the transgression that her superiors had been waiting for. A disciplinary hearing was scheduled for the following Tuesday, September 27th, the same day that the veils fractured. Nobody knows what happened at that hearing or how Betsy survived. What is clear, is that the catastrophe had a profound effect on the already obsessed woman.

For a while, the islanders embraced her, and she was helpful. She taught safe food preservation and canning procedures. She explained to all who would listen that public health was more important than ever, and was the first to discover that the island’s white rats carried prions and shouldn’t be eaten. There can be no argument that for a time Betsy saved many lives, but as the Regulators grew in power so did her instability.

She began to preach about the pureness of food. Claiming that all food was flawless until tainted by mishandling and lies about its preparation. She believed that lies could taint people and spill over into their meals just as easily as bacteria, and it was her job to protect the public from both.

This is where the stories began to conflict and get a bit murky. There are claims that she believed that the entire summer harvest in a Thriver village had been tainted and had every plant dug up and destroyed. Still, others say that she thought the people had been tainted so she poisoned their food to stop the spread of the infection. Either way, many lives were lost and it was just the beginning.

The stories of her exploits for the next year range greatly from the bizarre and misguided to the horrific. What is certain, is that Betsy took complete control of the food and its distribution in Lahaina for a long time. She began to target specific people she felt did not take safe food handling seriously. They found no mercy at the bottom of her sanitizer vats, and no pity from her long probe thermometers. Finally, though, they had enough.

With her compatriot Esther run-off after a disagreement with the Kānaka chief Ikaika, Betsy didn’t have the manpower to hold off those who wanted her gone. She supposedly escaped her attackers and fled East to join up with Esther, but accounts of the assault vary. Some say she made it and plans on coming back with a whole new arsenal of twisted kitchen equipment and shutdown notices. Some say she is finally at peace somewhere in the rubble of her old headquarters. Whatever the truth, everyone who has ever accidentally dropped food on the floor can breathe easier since she’s been gone.

STORYLINE

Consumer Group Sues for Testing of SSHAM’s New Product Line

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A little over a month after SSHAM launched its new “Regional Flavors” line with such eyebrow raising flavors as goat infused SSHOAT, and the duck based SSHUCK, a consumer advocacy group has sued to stop distribution of the new products until DNA testing can be done. The watchdog group, “Truth in Labeling” says that over 50% of the samples they have tested do not contain any trace of the animals listed on the packaging. They are seeking an injunction forcing SSHAM to halt production until thorough genetic testing is complete. The Hawaii Department of Health has launched its own investigation into the matter. A SSHAM spokesperson says the company is cooperating fully with authorities, and stands behind the authenticity and flavor of their products.

Many SSHAM lovers were surprised by the sheer amount of new flavors launched last month, and while many were skeptical about their palatability, Truth in Labeling had much more serious concerns. A statement released by the group reads in part, “…..Unfortunately they [SSHAM] have chosen to cut corners, and knowingly use less expensive meats in at least half of the products tested. Customers were told to “Say shalom to SSHLOX in the morning!” However, instead of brined salmon, DNA testing shows that many were eating either carp or shad. We can think of no reasonable series of events in which one of the most prized and expensive freshwater fishes could be mistakenly replaced with species often considered “junk.” We believe SSHAM has intentionally mislabeled their products in an attempt to dupe the public and increase profits. We hope the court agrees, and we applaud the Hawaii Department of Health for their proactive measures.”

Betsy Kaukau, an investigator for the Department of Health, says that food oversight has made great strides when it comes to fresh items, but mislabeling of canned products happens more than most people think. She says the department is currently testing cans purchased at a number of stores from all over Hawaii, as well as samples of the new products confiscated at the factory in Lahaina. Kaukau warns about the dangers of mislabeled food, and claims that consumers need more protections.

“Back in the 2010’s mislabeled fish was a huge problem in the industry. Studies showed that fish was being mislabeled in stores by as much as 87%. One study that looked at 120 red snapper fillets found that only 7 of those fillets were actually red snapper. Thankfully laws were passed and we now routinely DNA test fish in stores and restaurants to make sure consumers are getting what they are paying for. While we’ve almost eliminated counterfeit fish and other fresh items, we dropped the ball on canned and processed food. In my opinion mislabeled food is the single biggest threat we are facing as a society. The lies these companies tell erode away consumer confidence, and can have serious effects on people with allergies and special dietary needs, whether they be medical or religious. It seems like SSHAM is going around slapping a couple of S’s in front of foods, and putting whatever they want in a can, despite the laws put in place to prevent such actions. People worry about war, crime, or the lasting effects of 127, but what they should really be scared of is the ticking time bomb of canned lies waiting to be opened in their cupboards.”

SSHAM denies the allegations and has hired its own independent testing company to sample the entire product line. The controversy comes at a bad time for the company. It was announced just days ago that it was a sponsor of this years upcoming Oktoberfest in Munich, where they planned to unveil their SSHAM infused spatzle, SSHATZLE, to the hungry crowds. “Consumers can count on our products to have accurate labeling, and the shrimpy, salted taste they’ve come to love,” SSHAM says in their response to the lawsuit.

While many have found the allegations shocking, some diehard fans have come to the company’s defense. One such SSHAM fan is John Driscol. The Lahaina native says that the findings were probably a mix-up and that nobody could taste the difference anyway.

“I really like SSHAM. It’s easy to cook in all sorts of ways and comes in it’s own container so there’s no dishes, but let’s be honest. I’ve tried some of the new flavors and they pretty much all taste just like regular SSHAM, really salty processed meat with a slightly fishy finish. They may be slightly different colors or have slightly different textures, but it’s all just ground up meat slurry. Maybe one in a million could tell the difference, but most people wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between SSHOAT or SSHAM First Pressing Reserve. It’s like that Bob’s Best Burger blend you can buy at Big Bites stores. It’s supposed to make the best burgers you’ve ever had, but it’s almost $7 a pound. There’s no way I’m paying that crook Abramo that much for burger. I just saved some stickers and put it on the burger when we have cookouts. Nobody has ever been able to tell the difference. The same is true for these new flavors. There’s nothing bad for you in it, besides the extraordinary amounts of sodium and nitrates I mean. Meat’s all the same once its been blended into a slurry with salt and spices. These people need to relax and not worry so much about what’s in the processed meat product they’re eating.”

STORYLINE

Vigil for Man Killed In Meat Grinder Accident Leaves Bad Taste In the Mouths of Many

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Lahaina residents are still reeling this morning from the accidental death of one of their own. 25-year-old prep cook Tony Paoa lost his life yesterday when he fell into a meat grinder, in front of a packed dining room at the Abramo Chop House. The accident has friends and family reeling, and they say a planned midnight vigil by Tony’s employer and Lahaina meat mogul “Big” Bob Abramo is not helping. Famous for his larger than life persona, the family says Abramo has gone too far with his plans to use the same grinder involved in the accident to sell half-priced burgers during the proposed memorial.

A frequent visitor to Lahaina, Spring Casey says she and her husband had just been seated for lunch and were watching Tony prepare the day’s burger. Part of the marketing campaign for the Chop House’s new foie gras triple SSHAM burger, employees grind hundreds of pounds of Bob’s Best Burger Blend in front of customers every afternoon. “I don’t really care to see a machine grind up meat, but Bret was really excited to have one of the new burgers and take in the whole spectacle,” Spring says.

The couple’s interest in seeing how their food was made soon turned to horror when Tony slipped from the top of the stool he was standing on and fell into the commercial grinder.

“It was awful. One second he was adding a container of short rib to the hopper and the next second he just fell in. We were all in shock, I didn’t even have time to scream before he was pulled in and bits of his apron started coming out. It seemed like it took forever for someone to shut it off. In the end, just his feet were sticking out the top. I just wanted to go, but they wouldn’t let us leave until we paid for our appetizers. It was terrible!”

Paoa’s friends and family say they are still trying to come to terms with Tony’s death and were traumatized again when the announcement about the midnight vigil was made. A portion of that announcement reads: “Like many of you, we are devastated by the loss of our bruddah Tony, but we know he would want the show and the grind to go on… We have thoroughly sanitized the machine in question and are offering half-priced burgers from midnight to dawn to celebrate his life and his commitment to prep work. Let the tears and juices run down your face… fill your heart with memories of our friend and your belly with the best burger on the planet.”

In addition to the poor optics of using the machine so soon after the accident, many have raised concerns about safety. However, Betsy Kaukau, an investigator for the Department of Health, says that there is nothing illegal about the practice, even though it is “clearly in bad taste.” She says thousands are seriously injured or killed in kitchen accidents every year, and as long as the machine is thoroughly sanitized it is not a danger to the public.

“The truth of the matter is that there are over a half million commercial kitchen accidents every year. While most of these are minor, there is a significant number that turn out to be serious or even fatal. There is no doubt that you’ve eaten salad that has been chopped by a knife that has taken off the tip of a finger. You’ve had steaks prepared on grills that have burned off layers of skin, and might have even enjoyed a pickle made in a brining tank where someone drowned. As distasteful as it is, there isn’t anything illegal about using a grinder that killed someone as long as it is properly sanitized.”

For his part, Abramo says that he personally oversaw the cleaning of the grinder and thinks most of the pushback about the Chop House vigil is by people who didn’t know Tony or competitors trying to manufacture outrage.

“Tony was a part of our food family, and I know it must be killing him that he left such a terrible impression on our customers. As much as I hate to admit it, a good dining experience isn’t completely about the food. It’s about fun and atmosphere too. People don’t want to hear blood-curdling screams when enjoying a shrimp cocktail or watch a man being killed by a piece of commercial kitchen equipment while eating their soup.

We’re killing two birds with one stone, by giving Tony a do-over while we celebrate his life with the best burger anywhere at a substantially reduced cost. I personally know that Tony believed in every one of the 2730 calories inside our new foie gras triple SSHAM burger.
Some may think being ground alive in front of a horrified audience is a terrible way to go, but those of us who worked with Tony know he wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Well…maybe being boiled alive in bone broth or bleeding out from a deep cut from the rib saw, but definitely in our kitchen. It was his home, and we’re going to have one last discounted home-cooked meal in his memory.”

STORYLINE

Company Unveils Natural Casing Wrapping Paper Just In Time For the Holidays

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There’s good news for everyone with a meat lover or someone who appreciates the unusual on their shopping list this holiday season. A new all-natural alternative to wrapping paper is available for your gifts this year, festive sausage casing sheets. The brainchild of Lahaina meat-mogul “Big” Bob Abramo, the unconventional present wrapping went on sale this morning at all Big Bites locations, as well as the Chop House. Bob says the gift casings are a more ecologically friendly way to package your gifts, and are 100% natural and delicious.

It seems like every year there’s a new “It” gift that everyone is scrambling to buy, but Abramo hopes this year it’s what’s around your present that will get all of the attention. While some may cringe at the idea of decorating a gift for a love one with a product derived from animal intestines, Bob says his casing sheets are the future of gift giving, and are better for the environment than traditional paper.

Brandi Essen, spokesperson for Abramo Holdings says, “Unlike some companies that just go through the motions during the holidays, we continue to chew away at our goals and new innovations. This sustainable wrapping alternative is proof of our hard work, and we couldn’t be more excited.”

“Whether it’s riding at the forefront of tire technology, tackling the hunger problem with innovative outreach programs, or breaking new ground with our 100% natural, grass-fed medical valves and grafting tissues, Abramo Holdings has been a leader in meat-based technologies. Our wrapping casings come in four different colorful patterns, have a shelf life of up to two years, and are as tasty as they are festive.”

Despite Essen’s words many do not share her enthusiasm about the curious Christmas wrapping. Betsy Kaukau, an investigator for the Department of Health says the new product has the potential to be a “holiday horror story.”

“Not to be overly graphic, but we’re talking about wrapping a gift in a product made from pig guts, and sticking it under a tree for several days. You wouldn’t eat a sausage that had been left out that long because common sense would tell you that it’s no good. This is no different. I mean just touching it would be bad enough, but they are encouraging consumers to use the wrapping in meals later on. I know it comes with safe handling guidelines, but if you ask me the risk is not worth the reward in this case. I envision a lot of people running to the bathroom or the hospital this holiday season. If I had one tip for not getting sick this year, it would be to stay far away from Abramo wrapping casings, and just stick to traditional paper.”

Abramo on the other hand is quick to point out that his product follows all food safety guidelines, and comes with strict handling instructions, as well as 12 of his favorite sausage recipes, one for every day of Christmas. Bob says his casing sheets are not only a giant leap forward in food science, but also a big step in green technology.

“With our new casings you can really smell Christmas in the air. We’ve figured out how to “zip” and “unzip” proteins in natural sausage casings to produce sheets like you can with synthetic alternatives, and we only use 100% natural dyes and colorings. Our new gift wrapping has the flexibility of collagen sheets, however one taste lets you know that it isn’t manmade, but comes straight from the belly of a beast. Finally, that family member who always insists on saving the paper from their presents has a good reason to. The truth of the matter is that Americans use over 60 million tons of wrapping paper every year, spending over $8 billion annually. Most of that paper gets thrown away, and that model is unsustainable. Our product aims to take a big bite out of that pile of discarded paper, and you get the bonus of a great tasting sausage at the end. Our present casings are the best thing to happen to gifts, and Christmas dinner in years!”

STORYLINE

Fires Put the Future of Abramo “Meat and Greet” Program in Question

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The “Meat and Greet” program was supposed to offer Lahaina’s homebound a nutritious taste of the famous Abramo Chop House and a little companionship during the day. While the program launched with lots of fanfare and excitement about the unique Abramo mini grills, a number of complaints and mishaps have put the future of the program in question. Following a recent house fire, the third since its inception, the service has been temporarily halted awaiting a state review of safety practices.

There are thousands of food delivery programs serving millions across the country, but the Meat and Greet program promised to offer clients a unique experience by grilling their own meals. The service would deliver a specially made grill along with gel-flame heating cans, and a packaged meal to those unable to leave the home. For many, the program seemed like a perfect opportunity to enjoy a kind of meal unavailable in most home delivery programs, but many say the service is dangerous.

Critics contend that giving grills to people that don’t have the ability to leave the house is irresponsible. In addition, they say the heating cans are the cause of the three fires reported. Although nobody has been seriously hurt so far, the last fire destroyed the entire living room of a client’s home before it was extinguished. The State has ordered a stop to the program while a safety investigation is completed.

Despite the concerns, Brandi Essen, operations manager for Abramo Holdings LLC., says the program is perfectly safe and a great option for those who want to “spice up” their food options while being homebound. “Our goal was to offer our friends and neighbors, who have found themselves forced to stay at home due to age or illness, something other than the usual styrofoam cup of soup and stale sandwich wrapped in plastic. Our trained staff deliver the specially made Abramo mini-grills and a week’s worth of fuel on the first visit. We are careful to thoroughly go over all safety protocols and safe food handling practices. Staff never leaves until they are sure our clients have all the necessary tools to assemble their grills. After the initial setup, clients will experience the best meals we have to offer daily. We provide a variety of our artisanal Abramo sausages, juicy burgers from Bob’s Perfect Burger Blend with choice of cheese, pork ribs with 4 delicious sauce options, and a pack of our homemade cracklins or our famous foie gras chips with every visit. There may be other food options for the elderly and sick, but when it comes to taste, we’re all alone.”

Despite Essen’s assurances a growing number of people have called into question the nutritional quality of the meals. The son of one of the program’s clients points out that the meals his mother received “…contained 110% of her recommended daily caloric intake, most of that from fat, and 150% of her daily sodium. They include packets of vitamins so they meet the minimum nutritional guidelines, it’s irresponsible. I’m surprised they don’t include cigars.”

Betsy Kaukau from the Hawaii State Department of Health says the fires and the nutritional concerns are just the tip of the iceberg. “I was shocked when I started looking into the program,” she says. “These fuel canisters have not been approved for direct use with food. In fact we’ve had numerous reports of fuel leaking onto meals, making them dangerous to eat. For many of these people, this is the only meal they will get in a day, and it is unreasonable to expect them to be able to properly cook it themselves. Many have become sick from improper ventilation and undercooked pork products. I believe the fires may be one of the safest aspects of the Meat and Greet service.”

Founder Bob Abramo vehemently denies that the program is unsafe, and says that the halt in service is a gross government overreach. “Since the dawn of time people have felt the need to apply fire to meat. We just want to help people who might have thought that they’d never get a chance to BBQ at home again, a chance to taste flame charred goodness.” He adds, “I keep hearing that our fuel is dangerous, or our food is dangerous, but lots of things can be dangerous. I don’t think that we should put these people in little pens for protection. These were free range people, and we feel this is a great way to help them have a taste of freedom again. I care about our customers breakfast, lunch, and dinner, not just around election time like these career politicians and government employees. The truth is we may be serving some their last meal, and I think they deserve something meaty and juicy. I believe the elderly of Lahaina have been aged to perfection and deserve the joy only fire and choice cuts of meat can provide.”

STORYLINE

Duracave Gets Greenlight For Line of Stomach-Turning Survival Foods

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Cuisine may not be the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the name Duracave, but CEO Barrett Stone hopes he can change your mind. The company, beloved by survivalists and outdoor enthusiasts alike, just received government approval to expand their product line to include a new suite of emergency survival foods. However, if you’re looking for freeze dried fruit, vacuum sealed rice and beans, or packages of your favorite pasta, you’re out of luck. Offering entrees featuring raccoons, sea birds, and beetle larva, Duracave’s new emergency dinners are turning stomachs as well as heads.

Duracave has been one of the military’s largest contractors for decades, but the introduction of a civilian model of their mobile bunker system 20-years-ago, propelled the company into the public eye. One of the biggest and most successful providers of outdoor gear and technology, the Duracave brand has gained an almost rabidly loyal following.

Branded as “Complete Dinners in a Can,” Duracave canned meals are guaranteed to be shelf stable for up to 50 years. (Barrett claims that the meals will last much longer, but the government won’t allow the company to print how long it can actually last on the label.) Each meal is radiated, then fortified with vitamins and minerals to make every can a complete meal. “Three cans a day, some fresh water, and a little sunlight is all you need to make it through any disaster,” says Stone. Despite the nutritional claims and impressive expiration date, many have questioned the company’s choice of less-than-mouth-watering ingredients. They say the meals are potentially dangerous, and more about being sensational than healthy, a claim that Stone vehemently denies.

“What people don’t understand is that when it all goes to hell, your options are limited. It doesn’t matter if it’s: a nuclear or biological attack, the government unleashing a neutron bomb, a comet strike, or all this veil travel finally destabilizing the Earth’s orbit, and leading to the next ice age, whatever the cause of those final days, the first things to go are the large animals. We tailored these products with that in mind.

We spent many months with some of the finest cooks from around the world to make sure each can tastes almost as good as freedom itself. Some of my favorite meals include: Gull and Gravy, Squirrel Loaf, and Fred’s Famous Raccoon Noodles. We have a number of snack items too like Roach Butter in smooth and extra crunchy styles, and hog cheese. We even have a drink made from mealworms called Grub Juice, for all those smoothie lovers out there.

Nobody can store enough food for a lifetime, and eventually you’ll need to supplement your stores with the real thing. We purposely chose animals that we believe survivors could find in the wild after a cataclysm. Not only will you get all the nutrition you need in each can, you’ll be developing a taste for the kinds of things you’re likely to find living in the rubble. It’s similar to the way you’d transition a pet into a new food a little at a time. The last thing you want in a survival situation is for your stomach to be too weak or irritable to take in the foods you need.”

Even with Mr. Stone’s assurances, not everyone is convinced of the palatability or nutritional benefits of raccoon noodles. Some even say that the foods are potentially dangerous. Food safety activist, and Department of Health Senior Inspector Betsy Kaukau says that despite having permission from the federal government to sell the products, the State is looking into possible ways to ban the canned meals across the islands.

“Duracave has been less than forthcoming about their suppliers, and the legality of using some of the animals in their products. For instance, many types of gulls are protected, and we want to know where they are getting the birds for their repulsive marketing campaign,” says Kaukau. She adds, “Let’s be honest. This is about stirring up controversy, pure and simple. Nobody is going to eat a spread made from cockroaches on their toast in the morning, unless it’s on a dare. The State of Hawaii wants no part of this potentially dangerous publicity stunt.”

Despite Kaukau’s statements, Barrett says the company is 100% serious about the unusual meals. He says,

“I understand the reaction in some people, but we are committed to provide our customers with the best options and tools available in a crisis situation. Survival is a dirty business, and you may find yourself forced to do and eat things that you wouldn’t normally. After it all comes crashing down, we can’t tell you what to do when you find a survivor with a potentially contagious disease, or when strangers show up and ask to share your water. What we can do is give you a taste for the foods you’re likely to find, and provide a good head start to your survival journey. At Duracave we don’t want you to just survive. We want you to thrive!”

STORYLINE

City Council Votes to Halt Construction of Algae Farm

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Known for delicious pineapples and their one-of-a-kind drone workforce, Ananas Farms is a popular destination for tourists and fruit lovers alike. The hi-tech farm has revitalized pineapple farming on the island almost single-handedly, but their next innovation has run into trouble from the Lahaina City Council. The farm has been building a state-of-the-art algae growing facility for the past six months, with the hopes of beginning production before summer. That goal seems unlikely now, as the city council has voted to halt construction pending a zoning investigation, and an environmental impact study. The farm says they have already filed all relevant paperwork, including a study with the state.

Roy Ananas says, “Algae is not just the food of the future, it has the potential to power homes, clean the environment, and help everyone become self-sustainable.” Ananas says he became interested in farming algae after attending The Hawaiian AG Expo in 2045, but hadn’t been able to seriously explore the field until last year. “The success of the pineapple business has allowed us to really expand the farm and explore other opportunities,” he says.

Roy points out that algae contains twice as much protein as most meat, and is packed with vitamins and minerals.

“It has more beta carotene than carrots and more iron than spinach. It really is a superfood. On top of that, microalgae takes up very little space, can grow in non-potable water or on non-arable soil in a way that reduces greenhouse gases, and without putting pressure on the environment. In addition, as a photosynthetic organism: algae uses sunlight to convert carbon dioxide and water into usable energy, expelling oxygen as a byproduct. I can envision a time when everyone has a big algae tank for food and energy in their backyard.”

Ananas says the algae project was greenlighted months ago, and the county has numerous environmental impact studies concerning the expansion already on file. He says the council’s shift in attitude is due to last month’s shake-up over the trash scandal, and one person, in particular, Bob Abramo.

Despite Roys accusations, Maui District Health Office official Betsy Kaukau says she respects the council’s decision saying, “Where there’s smoke there’s fire, and there’s plenty of smoke regarding the safety of the tanks used by Ananas Farms.” Kaukau says, “I don’t think Roy and his family divulged that they were using some of the same contractors responsible for building the Pilua Shrimp Farm and we all know how that turned out. It was so bad that the FDA got involved, calling it, ‘the most dangerous aquaculture operation the agency has ever seen.’ Thousands got sick from eating their tainted shrimp, and over 500,000 cans of SSHAM, SSHAM Less, and SSHAM Extra Spicy, had to be recalled for public safety. As far as I’m concerned those contractors, and anyone who’d use them, are just as responsible for all those sick people, as the owner who used the toxic shrimp feed.”

Ananas calls Kaukau statements ridiculous, pointing out that the contractors in question specialize in building aquaculture pools, ponds, and tanks. He claims they had nothing to do with the mismanagement responsible for the public health disaster at Pilua. “It’s like saying a tire company is responsible for drunk driving,” he says.

However, newly appointed member of the Lahaina City Council and Chairman of The Solid Waste Resource Advisory Committee Bob Abramo says that too many unanswered questions remain about the proposed algae farm, and the council needs to take a better look.

“If I’m not mistaken, Veilcorp dumped millions of urchins into the water surrounding Lahaina to eat the algae that was killing the coral. Now we’re going to grow more algae, on purpose so WE can eat it? I just have to ask why we didn’t send out a bunch of people who want to make salads out of this gunk, and cut out the urchins in the first place? We’re not talking about Nori wraps or Kombu and a nice dashi broth, we’re talking about pond scum. Our waters are too important to allow what is in essence, a scum factory to operate in Lahaina. Look, if you want to live your life taking supplements, drinking fermented tea, and licking the slime of off rocks to survive, that’s your right. Just don’t ask me to advocate it, or use public funds to support it. Make no mistake, the algae farm is a slippery slope. It’s just a matter of time before they’re pushing “Slimy Sundays” along with “Meatless Mondays”. People did not climb to the top of the food chain to not eat meat two days in a row. Worse yet, is when they try making burgers, and fake-chicken out of it. Thinking of all the children forced to eat green hot dogs at a picnic, breaks my meat-loving heart.”

STORYLINE

The Abramo Meat Museum Is Unfit for Public Consumption

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After contacting representatives from the Department of Health, the Mayor’s Office, and the Better Business Bureau, it has become apparent to me that I will be receiving very little help regarding my complaints about the Abramo Meat Museum. Since the officials of Lahaina have shown that they have no interest in addressing this public hazard, I’m writing this letter-to-the-editor in the hopes that it will save at least one family from going through the ordeal that we have over the past few days. What was supposed to be a dream vacation has turned into a bloody nightmare. No matter what you’ve heard, or how fun you might think it would be, I urge everyone to stay away from this dangerously run disease factory.

For almost 20 years it had been a dream of mine to return to Lahaina with the extended family. Four generations of us have been married along the beautiful beaches, and I wanted to share my love of the people and this wonderful place with my daughter and her family. When we finally found a time that worked for everyone after all these years, it seemed like fate was finally on my side. Everything was spectacular for the first few days, until my grandson heard about the Abramo Meat Museum from the concierge at the hotel. He was obsessed. All he could talk about was visiting the “monument to all things meat.” Since I’m a fan of all things kitschy, I offered to take the kids and give my daughter and son-in-law a day to themselves. It was one of the worst decisions of my life.

I knew something was wrong immediately, but didn’t trust my instincts. When someone walks into the museum they are greeted with a sign that reads like the preamble to a manifesto: “Meat, the life giving flesh from tasty animals, has contributed to the welfare of man since the dawn of time. The muscle and sumptuous fatty tissues have supplied us with the protein we needed to build empires, and the energy necessary to construct the wonders of the world. Take a walk with us now down the road of meals past, back to the very first hunt and learn why we celebrate special occasions with a big juicy steak and not a salad.”

The museum does have an impressive collection of meat and butchery related objects, but it was not the delightfully quirky homage to meat that I was expecting. Instead, I found the exhibits to be full of misinformation and have an alarming seriousness to them that made me uneasy. While I was looking at a collection of blood-stained cleavers on the wall, my grandson asked if he could take his little sister to Oxtail Junction, the kids area of the museum. I told him to go ahead. That was my second huge mistake of the day.

After a few more minutes of looking at various butchery tools in display cases, I turned the corner to find my grandson staring at a mural with his mouth wide open. It wasn’t until I was standing next to him that I realized what it was we were looking at. This section of the museum was dedicated to stories of failed expeditions and people who were forced to practice cannibalism in order to survive. The mural was a horrific depiction of the Donner Party along with the recipe for something called, “Pioneer Meatloaf.” My grandson looked at me and asked, “If we get lost can we eat Trisha?” Before I could tell him that we would not be eating his sister, or explain that it was highly unlikely that those starving pioneers brought a meat grinder with them, I heard my granddaughter crying.

I found her in the kids area standing in front of a working meat slicer with her doll in one hand, and the doll’s feet in another. Sitting a few feet away was an obviously inebriated employee in an ill-fitting uniform with a star on his chest, and a ridiculously small hat. “I’m Sheriff Short Rib,” he croaked. I asked him how he could let a 4-year-old turn on a slicer and ruin her doll. I screamed at him about how irresponsible it was to have a working meat slicer in an area designated for children. His only response was, “We’d all have more fun if we followed the rules,” and pointed to a list on the wall. I couldn’t speak for a few seconds because I was so furious, but my anger disappeared when I saw my grandson run into the room chasing another little boy with a knife.

Before I could scream for him to stop, he smacked the other child in the back and yelled, “Tag!” It was then that I noticed the first child also had a knife. I stopped the pair and asked what on Earth they were thinking running around with knives like that, and they pointed to the next room were a number of children were chasing each other with various butchery tools. I turned to the sheriff and asked if he planned on doing anything about it, and he yelled out, “We’d all have more fun if we followed the rules,” and gestured vaguely to the list on the wall.

It was the final straw. I told my grandson that we were leaving and turned to get his sister. That’s when I noticed poor little Trisha was standing in front of the sausage casing machine, eating the mix straight out of the extruder, with a line of children behind her. I shrieked, and my grandson asked how many sausages I thought we could make out of his sister. To be honest, I don’t remember leaving. The next thing I recall is walking through the parking lot, carrying Trisha, and warning anyone who would listen, not to go in the museum. However, unbeknownst to me, I was not done dealing with the fallout of our 20 minute visit.

It was only a few hours later that Trisha started to become violently ill. While her brother asked me if I thought she was still safe to eat, I got directions to the nearest hospital. The doctors say it was the most aggressive case of food poisoning they had ever seen. I had to call my daughter to cut her day short, it was so severe. For the next 3 days they nursed Trisha back to health, and I had to explain to my son-in-law why his boy was suddenly obsessed with eating his sibling. When we called the museum to complain, they denied all responsibility saying Trisha was probably suffering from, “the meat sweats.”

Betsy Kaukau, a health inspector from the Department of Health, is the only official to take our concerns seriously so far. She says she will do everything she can to make sure another family doesn’t have to go through what we have. I’ve also contacted a lawyer and we’re looking into any, and all legal options. In the meantime, it is my hope that this letter forces other Lahaina officials to take action, and serves as food for thought to anyone thinking of visiting this disaster waiting to happen. In short, the Abramo Meat Museum is rotten to the core.

STORYLINE

Popular SSHAM Based Nutritional Drink To be Offered at Lahaina Medical Center

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The Lahaina Medical Center and SSHAM have reached a deal to offer certain patients the canned meat company’s wildly popular new meal replacement drink, Sshamplete. The medical facility says that the drink will be made available to patients suffering from nutritional deficiencies, or having trouble eating their meals. Offering such drinks to patients in medical settings is not unusual, but it is the first time Sshamplete has been provided as an option at the medical center.

SSHAM creator and CEO Art Pua’a says he is excited that the hospital will be “using Sshamplete to nourish, and help heal our sick neighbors.” Pua’a admits that he was skeptical about the idea of making a meal replacement drink at first, but changed his mind when he learned how many Hawaiians, especially the elderly, don’t receive the recommended daily nutrition they need. “Many don’t even know what vitamins, minerals, and nutrients they need for optimum health every day. That’s what our drink is all about. If you’re not sure that your getting all the nutrients you need, Sshamplete is there for you. Just three of our tasty drinks a day, provides everything a body needs to thrive and function properly. In addition, Sshamplete has five times the recommended dietary allowance of protein in every can, making it an excellent option for those healing from a medical procedure, and those trying to get more lean muscle alike.

Art points to recent research showing that many aging adults can benefit from an increased protein intake to help optimize their health, and protect muscle mass. “Protein is important for every tissue, and organ in the body, even the skin. Along with all the other nutrients in Sshamplete, we have created a complete meal in a can, to help aging bodies have all the amino acids they need to function properly, and maintain optimum health.”

However, it’s not just the sick and elderly who are singing Sshamplete’s praises. Many who are too busy during the day, are turning to the meaty drink for a well balanced diet as well. Local inventor Ano Lee is a big fan of the SSHAMy beverage, and credits the drink with an increase in his productivity.

“Most of my job is thinking and decisions. I ponder possibilities, imagine what might be, and decide whether or not my ideas are viable or practical. With all those decisions running through my head, the last thing I want to think about is a meal. There’s so many choices, an so many nutrients that a body needs everyday, you can get lost just thinking about it. On top of that, once you’ve decided, you have to still sit and wait for the microwave to cook it. I just didn’t have time for all that and my health suffered. Then I tried Sshamplete and everything changed. I’ve tried other meal replacement drinks before, and they were terrible. I even tried making my own, but no matter how many times I strained it, the texture was never right. Sshamplete is always smooth going down, and that’s what makes it special. To be honest the taste isn’t really that great either, and it’s really thick, kind of like a half-melted shake, but it’s so smooth that you can easily get a whole can down before your taste buds know what’s happening. Three cans a day is all you need to keep you going. I’ve never felt better!”

While the extraordinarily high protein content of Sshamplete is beneficial to some, Betsy Kaukau of the Hawaii State Department of Health, points out that a diet too high in protein can have detrimental effects on well being, and the household plumbing, leading to serious issues. “While there are potential benefits to a high-protein diet, it is important to to be aware there are some pretty serious risk as well. This is especially true for the elderly, and with the extremely high protein levels found in Sshamplete. The list of possible complications is long, and frightening: permanent kidney damage, increased risk of cancer, pvc valve fouling, and calcium loss leading to osteoporosis just to name a few.” Kaukau says the drink, unlike many of its competitors, must be consumed within 30 minutes of opening to avoid bacterial overgrowth. “Since its public unveiling, we’ve have multiple cases of Shamplete drinkers suffering from diarrhea, vomiting, and severe intestinal distress. On top of that, it has become very popular with shark cage tour operators as a chum. It reportedly, is very good at drawing-in a wide range of aquatic species, particularly sharks. I don’t know about you, but I would have extreme reservations about providing a substitute for rotting fish heads, offal, and fetid animal oils to an elderly relative in poor health. As far as I’m concerned the cure is worse than the disease in Sshamplete’s case.”

STORYLINE

SSHAM Announces This Year’s Canned Holiday Feast Menu

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For some it’s when the first holiday lights show up, for others it’s hanging the stockings, but for a growing number of Maui natives, the first sure sign that Christmas is near is the unveiling of SSHAM’s yearly canned feast. Better known as the “Sheast,” the canned Christmas feast has become a staple for many across the island during the holidays. This year’s joy in a can features three complete dinners perfect for anyone with more hunger and cheer on their hands than time to cook.

The first Sheast was a surprise hit for the canned meat company a decade ago, becoming very popular with those who have to work on the holidays and don’t have time to cook a big meal. Originally targeted at the gamer market, the canned feast has changed every year but CEO Art Pua’a says the goal remains the same, provide a great holiday meal for the whole family in minutes. “We have 12 layers of Christmas in a can for hungry Hawaiians including all-new desserts and a bonus layer of yeast rolls by popular demand.”

“Customers will enjoy their choice of a pineapple-cherry jubilee, tropical fruit cake, or a gingerbread pudding this year as well as layers of old favorites such as taro, goose, balsamic glazed Brussel sprouts, roasted carrots, and two layers of rolls to help sop up all those flavors you’ve come to love. As good as they all are, we think the Shlobster layer will be the showstopper this year. It is exceptionally creamy and packed with the soft-shelled-SSHAM flavor our customers have grown to love.”

While the menu has many canned feast fans talking today, some food safety experts are second-guessing the company’s decision to once again use pressurized cans. Given all the trouble involving exploding Sheasts last year, safety advocates are warning the public to use caution when opening or heating their canned dinners.

According to public records, Lahaina area first responders went on over 50 canned feast related calls last December, with a handful of exploding mailboxes, kitchens that were described as looking like “something out of a horror movie”, dozens of injuries, and even a group of fishermen sighted for detonating cans underwater to stun reef fish.

Consumer safety advocate Betsy Kaukau says that despite SSHAM’s can redesign she is disappointed in the company’s decision. “I can’t speak to the palatability of this canned potluck but I will admit that the food inside meets or exceeds all legal standards and SSHAM claims that they have worked out the design flaws from last year but why take a chance? Lahaina had to deal with a literal food bomb crisis just so some gamers and Veilcorp employees could eat a quick holiday meal. There is no reason that the canned feasts need to be held under pressure or that we need them at all. Somehow these groups of people ate before this craze and they’ll eat again if these Sheasts don’t kill them first. It’s not worth the cost in my opinion and I would urge anyone eating one of these things to use caution.”

Pua’a strongly disagrees with Kaukau’s opinion saying this about choice and Christmas cheer. “The canned feast was created after finding out that 44% of Hawaiian gamers said they spend the majority of the holidays in front of a screen and hated having to take time away to eat. Soon, those who have to work on the days most of us spend with family and friends found a bit of cheer in our meals too. We’re talking about Viel hub workers, charging station employees, and the police. I think these people deserve a great meal from our family, even if they can’t be with theirs. There just isn’t a way to put this much food in a can under normal pressure. We’ve addressed all the issues from last year and I think most people know to take the food out of the can before heating now.”

The Executive Director of the Lahaina Cat Sanctuary Felix Popoki says he has no concerns about the safety of this year’s Sheast and is looking forward to trying the Shlobster.

“I guess the cat’s out of the bag on this one. A couple of volunteer scoopers and I will be dining on a canned feast this year. Whisker Island may be a cat paradise but trying to make a meal that doesn’t look like something one of our residents just dragged in is a big challenge. As far as I’m concerned the Sheast is the cat’s pajamas. With all the different options there’s sure to be a layer perfect for your tastes no matter what they might be. People ask me If I ever miss being able to get away from my feline friends and enjoying holiday time with my human family. I just say look into the bloodshot eyes of a mother on Christmas day staring at the pile of paper she has to clean up. Exhausted children fight over shrinking bags of candy and her hands tremble around her coffee knowing it’s only a matter of time before she’ll have to get everyone dressed to go see the relatives. Do I miss that? Are you kidding? I’ll take herding cats and my Sheast over that any day.”