STORYLINE

Aloha Shores under new management

Hello members of the Aloha Shores family. Frank and I would like to take a moment to thank you for sticking with us through this tumultuous time. Your trust and determination has been an inspiration. Our decision to let you all stay past your agreed upon departure date has turned out to one of the best we’ve ever made. Being a timeshare salesman doesn’t always expose you to the best qualities in people, but you have all been great!

I was concerned when we finally ran out of chicken wraps, but I was downright terrified when the pinwheel sandwiches and buckets of instant soup were gone. We assumed with the continued WiFi trouble, and our inability to provide you the promised “Dolphin Experience” tickets, that the lack of desirable food would be the final nail in our coffins. Instead you all pitched in, and we’ve made it work for over 6 months now. I only wish that Frank and I could give back to you the kind of courage you’ve given us, but unfortunately we can’t. We apologize for the short notice, but by morning Aloha Shores Condominiums will be under new management.

You are probably asking yourself how this could happen, and why? Believe me, this was not how we wanted things to go, but when Big Bob Abramo tells you that he’s hungry for your property you don’t have any choice, but to bag it up and hand it over.

Those of you who were here for an extended period before the fracture have undoubtedly watched his commercials were he proudly claims: “Big Bob Abramo eats the competition!” Frank and I fear that this may be more than just a tagline now. When Frank and I got started, Abramo only owned a couple of condos along Front Street. Even then he had a reputation of being an impossible man to work with. Large, uncouth, belligerent, and incredibly sensitive to people noticing his gout, Big Bob was a terror. He went through agents like wet naps at a BBQ. We even tried representing him and his properties for a few days before Frank made the mistake of staring at his foot.

Eventually Bob applied for, and received a real estate license, vowing to put us all out of business. He would routinely show up to networking events, even though he had no intention on working with anyone. Instead of sharing leads, Big Bob looked at these events like a living menu where he could carefully decide which broker to swallow up next. He’d write down their names, and put them in his fanny pack like a snack he intended to nibble on later. After taking all the shrimp from the buffet table, and gulping any unattended drink within reach, It was common for him to stuff a beach towel in the back of his shirt like a cape and lurch around yelling that he was the “hero of holdings.”

While he made few friends, his appetite for property was remarkable and he soon had enough resources to put together an amazing team. It wasn’t long before he gobbled up almost half of the rentable property on Front Street. Even with his success, Abramo was still ravenous. He continued to consume the competition, and began holding private feasts after each purchase. In addition to his team, he would invite his next target to these lavish meals. During dessert he would have a suckling pig brought out, call the piglet by the guest’s name, and devour the whole thing to the delight of his team. As you can imagine, the word spread quickly and his invitations went unanswered.

Bob had been sniffing around Aloha Shores just before the accident, but with everything else going on my brother and I didn’t imagine that we’d have to worry about him. We were wrong. It appears Bob’s hunger for holdings, among other things, has grown unabated during the past 6 months.

You can imagine our surprise when we found him, and some of his new team in the parking lot this afternoon. Without reliving the whole thing, I can tell you that the experience was not a pleasant one. Many of them appear to be suffering from some sort of sickness, and Bob seems a bit bigger than we remembered. When Frank remarked about how substantial he was looking, Bob proclaimed that his size was due to a steady diet of Stewart stew, and handed over Mr. Stewart’s shoes. He asked how many meals we thought we had inside, and smiled saying that the number was probably higher than we thought. When I began to protest, he explained that the only reason he didn’t own the building already was that he was having a hard time finding a pig, but planned on having a plate of Frank or Steve very soon unless we gave up ownership.

As you can imagine we are very shaken. Taking into consideration how limited our resources are, and how well fed Big Bob still appears, we’ve decided to try our luck elsewhere. We are not brave enough for this new world. We’ve decided to take Abramo’s modest proposal and depart. I apologize for any inconvenience our fleeing may cause. We’re almost packed, and plan on using the cover of darkness to our advantage. We’ve enjoyed the time we’ve shared together but it’s time for these timeshare salesmen to go. If you can be ready within the hour you are more than welcome to come along. For everyone else, we would like to thank you again for being part of the Aloha Shores family. We wish you the best of luck in the future, but it is time for us to say Aloha to the shores!

Steve and Frank Lacey
Lacey Property Management

STORYLINE

Re: “Meal Ticket” Episode 6 Show Notes and the Eric Oeming Incident

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Mr. Abramo,

I am new to the VNN family, but not to being a showrunner. However, In all my years in the industry, with dozens of successful programs under my belt, I have never received show notes like the ones I found on my desk this morning. I think you have vastly underestimated the liabilities you have raised, and the difficult position that you have placed me, the network, and yourself in.

Since the filming of episode 6 with Eric Oeming yesterday, my phone has not stopped ringing. I have had to bump emergency meetings, for more emergency meetings. As you know, we have had many high profile issues lately, and we can not afford another public incident. However, I am learning to lead with positivity, so let me address what we can partially agree on. The first part of your note states:

“VNN came to me with this development deal because you were hungry for locally produced content. At the very beginning, I informed you that I didn’t want to do anything demeaning or harmful to my brand. I wasn’t interested in doing anything rehashed, schlocky, or outdated. If I was going to put together a feast for the eyes of your viewers, it was going to be something I could be proud of in 20 years. I didn’t want to create something that I’d have to quickly change the channel when it came on. You promised me all of your resources, and complete autonomy, but I’m beginning to feel like you shorted my delivery. I don’t feel like you’re respecting my vision, and what I’m trying to cook up here.

“Meal Ticket”, isn’t just another reality dating show. It’s a chance for people to know that you really can have your steak and eat it too. It’s stories of love tragically lost, and found anew. It’s the dream of meeting someone under false pretenses, who has a lot of money, that you don’t necessarily dislike, and competing to marry them. Without our gentle nudge, many of these wealthy widows and widowers might spend the rest of their lives eating alone. This is about the hunt for life and love, an ancient play, performed against the backdrop of the finest chop house in the world, while a lavish dinner is served. New prospective dates arrive with each course, allowing viewers to see love, and a perfectly crafted meal progress before their eyes. Nobody has done anything this close to artistic perfection before, so why are you making substitutions to my recipe?”

While we do support the artistic vision of our show partners, I think you might have overestimated how much new ground your hidden camera dating show is breaking. My office is always open should you need anything. If you had only taken advantage of my open door policy, we might have avoided the nightmare we are currently in. You further write:

“This Eric Oeming episode should have been our best yet, but he was awful! I refuse to believe that it is too soon for the most famous man who has ever lived, to get back into the swing of things with a motivated young lady. There’s no way he should be single! It’s been over nine years since his family was killed in that explosion and his return to work. How long can you mourn? If anything, he should be thanking me. Instead, he’s so damn humorless that his lawyers are threatening to come after me for not getting a signed waiver to record him. They’re also going on with some nonsense about false pretenses and statements, as if lying to someone to include them in a reality show is a crime. He’s a public figure, I’m sure there are people lying to him all day long. This has been a great reminder to me that no good deed goes unpunished. If he and his team of lawyers wants a fight, that’s just what they’ll get! Bob Abramo is not one to be truffled with!”

I hardly know where to begin with this statement. I think you have misjudged how big your seat is at the table. In addition to being the most famous man who has ever lived, and one of the most beloved residents of Lahaina, Eric Oeming owns our parent company, do you know what that means? I won’t even get into the rumors about what happens to individuals who get on his wrong side, since the attack.

According to Oeming’s people he was told that he was being presented with something called the “Aloha Spirit” award for his lifetime of work promoting the love and ingenuity of the Hawaiian people. The only reason that he agreed to attend, is that his long-time friend “Uncle” Ralph Umeke was supposed to be presenting the award. Of course we both know this was a lie. Mr. Umeke personally told me, “I’d give up the noodle shop before I’d be involved with a monster like Abramo, and I’d never knowingly subject Eric to what amounts to a speed dating show about gold-diggers. It’s repugnant, and Abramo better hope I don’t see him walking down Front Street!”

Let me be clear, your conduct in this matter has been reprehensible. Beginning immediately, we are cancelling “Meal Ticket”. This episode, and all previously shot episodes, will never, ever air. We’re sending a team to your offices and restaurant to claim: all equipment, any copies you might have, any dailies, unused footage, and any promotional materials. I’ll remind you that we are allowed, under your contract, to go through: any personal accounts, cloud storage, computers, and physical files at your office, place of business, and home. In addition, we are: cancelling your Phxicom account, dropping your subscription to VNN network channels, cutting off your access to our chat bots and AI’s, and it’s my understanding that Lisa Hunt is beyond furious. I’m going to need you to come down to the offices this afternoon, so I can collect your badge and commissary card. I would suggest you spend the morning considering how you can mend fences, and think of a way to survive the wrath of Ms. Hunt. I’m afraid you’ve bitten off more than your fair share of trouble this time Mr. Abramo.

Jake Tripper
Vice President of Special Programming
VNN

STORYLINE

Hungry Boar Breaks Into Second Big Bites Store

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For the second time in as many weeks, cameras have caught a hungry boar breaking into an area Big Bites location, and eating thousands of dollars worth of merchandise. The Lahaina police say they responded to an alarm at 2332 Lahainaluna Road early Saturday, only to find signs of a break-in and a vandalized store. Upon review of the security footage, it was discovered that the burglar was a familiar, but unusual looking boar, making a pig out of himself on the store’s products. Officials say that it is extremely rare for a boar to come so close to the city, and warn the public to stay away, and call the DLNR if they spot the beast.

Nicknamed “Fatback” because of it’s strangely colored hump and bulbous eyes, the animal has become a bit of an online sensation since the release of a video last Monday. The footage shows the beast breaking into the first Big Bites location, and treating the store like a buffet. This latest video has only increased interest, and has some calling the incidents publicity stunts, or even proof of the urban legend of the the Shrig.

Lahaina Police posted a video on their YouTube and Glimpsea pages last week titled-“Big Boar Likes Big Bites”- that showed the boar eating sausage, and later, jerky from a cooler that it had opened with its snout. The video soon had millions of views world wide, with many calling the video some sort of viral campaign, a claim officials vehemently deny.

A police spokesperson says, “I can understand why people would be dubious. The boar looks and acts strangely, and it has now broken into two different locations of the same meat-centric convenience store. However, if this job has taught me anything, it’s that once you think you’ve seen it all, something like this happens and reminds you that you haven’t.”

Greg Iona of the Department of Land and Natural Resources says that it is extremely rare for a boar to wander so close to people, especially on this part of the island. He says that the boar is likely injured, and unable to find food normally due to its deformities, making it extremely dangerous.

“Boar attacks are rare but not unheard of. A family was viciously attacked in the Hana Forest Reserve back in 2025. In that case, several people were hospitalized and the boar was euthanized. However, that was on the opposite end of the island. We just don’t see a lot of boars in the Lahaina area, and I’ve never heard of one breaking into a store, let alone doing it twice. I’ve looked at the security footage, and in my opinion this animal’s deformity has left it unable to fend for itself. Pigs are very smart, and unfortunately this one has started to associate human sounds and smells with food, making it very dangerous. We’re talking about an animal strong enough to break down a door to get what it wants. We are doing everything we can to capture the animal before it causes any further damage or hurts someone seriously.”

Bob Abramo, owner of the Big Bites chain, also denies that the videos are a publicity stunt, but says he is conflicted about the break-ins and the boar itself. “There’s no doubt that Fatback has been good for business, but he has ruined over 100 pounds of premium sausage, and eaten $1000 worth of the world’s best jerky so far. He obviously has great taste, but he’s taking meat out of my mouth, and that’s something I just can’t have.”

Abramo has offered a reward to anyone who is able to bag the beast, or facilitate its capture, with the condition that he gets the boar. He says,

“I’m an eye for an eye, and a bite for a bite kind of guy. Anyone who is able to bring me Fatback, alive or dead, will get a free weekly meal at The Chop House for a year. I’m talking about a good meal too, with appetizers and mandatory dessert. You’ll leave stuffed. Part of the reason some Iberian hams are so good is that the pigs eat almost nothing but acorns during the Fall. This gives the meat a distinctive nutty aftertaste. What an animal eats is hugely important to its flavor. In this case, we have an animal who has been living for the past few weeks on some of the best meat and meat snacks in the world. I can’t wait to taste him! Fattened up on the Abramo premium sausage blend, with smoky-salty notes of select jerky…..I can’t stop my mouth from watering to be honest. The DLNR has estimated him to weigh over 300 pounds from the video, but i’d guess he’s closer to 400. That’s a lot of double pork sandwiches to help settle my nerves and stomach.”

STORYLINE

Vigil for Man Killed In Meat Grinder Accident Leaves Bad Taste In the Mouths of Many

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Lahaina residents are still reeling this morning from the accidental death of one of their own. 25-year-old prep cook Tony Paoa lost his life yesterday when he fell into a meat grinder, in front of a packed dining room at the Abramo Chop House. The accident has friends and family reeling, and they say a planned midnight vigil by Tony’s employer and Lahaina meat mogul “Big” Bob Abramo is not helping. Famous for his larger than life persona, the family says Abramo has gone too far with his plans to use the same grinder involved in the accident to sell half-priced burgers during the proposed memorial.

A frequent visitor to Lahaina, Spring Casey says she and her husband had just been seated for lunch and were watching Tony prepare the day’s burger. Part of the marketing campaign for the Chop House’s new foie gras triple SSHAM burger, employees grind hundreds of pounds of Bob’s Best Burger Blend in front of customers every afternoon. “I don’t really care to see a machine grind up meat, but Bret was really excited to have one of the new burgers and take in the whole spectacle,” Spring says.

The couple’s interest in seeing how their food was made soon turned to horror when Tony slipped from the top of the stool he was standing on and fell into the commercial grinder.

“It was awful. One second he was adding a container of short rib to the hopper and the next second he just fell in. We were all in shock, I didn’t even have time to scream before he was pulled in and bits of his apron started coming out. It seemed like it took forever for someone to shut it off. In the end, just his feet were sticking out the top. I just wanted to go, but they wouldn’t let us leave until we paid for our appetizers. It was terrible!”

Paoa’s friends and family say they are still trying to come to terms with Tony’s death and were traumatized again when the announcement about the midnight vigil was made. A portion of that announcement reads: “Like many of you, we are devastated by the loss of our bruddah Tony, but we know he would want the show and the grind to go on… We have thoroughly sanitized the machine in question and are offering half-priced burgers from midnight to dawn to celebrate his life and his commitment to prep work. Let the tears and juices run down your face… fill your heart with memories of our friend and your belly with the best burger on the planet.”

In addition to the poor optics of using the machine so soon after the accident, many have raised concerns about safety. However, Betsy Kaukau, an investigator for the Department of Health, says that there is nothing illegal about the practice, even though it is “clearly in bad taste.” She says thousands are seriously injured or killed in kitchen accidents every year, and as long as the machine is thoroughly sanitized it is not a danger to the public.

“The truth of the matter is that there are over a half million commercial kitchen accidents every year. While most of these are minor, there is a significant number that turn out to be serious or even fatal. There is no doubt that you’ve eaten salad that has been chopped by a knife that has taken off the tip of a finger. You’ve had steaks prepared on grills that have burned off layers of skin, and might have even enjoyed a pickle made in a brining tank where someone drowned. As distasteful as it is, there isn’t anything illegal about using a grinder that killed someone as long as it is properly sanitized.”

For his part, Abramo says that he personally oversaw the cleaning of the grinder and thinks most of the pushback about the Chop House vigil is by people who didn’t know Tony or competitors trying to manufacture outrage.

“Tony was a part of our food family, and I know it must be killing him that he left such a terrible impression on our customers. As much as I hate to admit it, a good dining experience isn’t completely about the food. It’s about fun and atmosphere too. People don’t want to hear blood-curdling screams when enjoying a shrimp cocktail or watch a man being killed by a piece of commercial kitchen equipment while eating their soup.

We’re killing two birds with one stone, by giving Tony a do-over while we celebrate his life with the best burger anywhere at a substantially reduced cost. I personally know that Tony believed in every one of the 2730 calories inside our new foie gras triple SSHAM burger.
Some may think being ground alive in front of a horrified audience is a terrible way to go, but those of us who worked with Tony know he wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Well…maybe being boiled alive in bone broth or bleeding out from a deep cut from the rib saw, but definitely in our kitchen. It was his home, and we’re going to have one last discounted home-cooked meal in his memory.”

STORYLINE

Researchers Working On Method to “Clone” Your Favorite Meal

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Most people have a favorite meal or a food they crave. Surveys have shown that the average diner chooses one of four regular options 90% of the time they go out to eat. While the number of our favorites may be small, their tastes can vary widely depending on many things such as: method of cooking, initial seasoning, and quality of product. The truth is not every T-bone tastes the same; but what if there were a way to save parts of a perfectly prepared meal, and have it duplicated exactly to your liking? According to biologist and food science researcher Thomas Mencken, that tasty dream may soon be a reality.

Son-in-law to Lahaina meat mogul Bob Abramo, Thomas says that he has always had a passion for pushing the boundaries of food science. “You don’t marry Bob Abramo’s daughter without having a serious love of all things grilled or broiled,” he says. In fact, it was his wedding cake that inspired his latest research.

“Like many couples we put part of our cake in the freezer after our wedding. We were so excited to share another wonderful bite together on our one year anniversary, that we could hardly wait for it to thaw. I remember the look in Brandi’s eyes when I fed her the first piece. That twinkle went flat, and the smile left her face as she struggled to chew. Then I took a bite. It was like chewing on a sponge. All the moisture was gone and the frosting was disgusting. Our memento of that day had turned into a crumbling nightmare. It was then that I knew we had to find a way to reproduce those special foods, and make them taste exactly the way we remembered them.”

With the help of his Vereserum partners that is what Thomas is doing. The researchers have devised a method to drape a stem cell matrix over organic latticing, to rapidly “grow” clones of food samples. The idea is that people would be able to save representative parts of a good meal, and have that meal reproduced exactly whenever they wish. Although the process is currently very expensive and it takes a few hours to grow a 10 oz. ribeye, Abramo Holdings spokesperson Brandi Essen says she is confident that customers will be able to eat cloned meals in her father’s chop house in the near future.

“While it’s true that these cloned meals taste like a million dollars, we’re trying to slightly lower their million dollar price tag. Our research is really cooking though, and I’m sure we’ll have figured out a way to make these meals faster soon, even if it may be awhile before they’re on the specials menu. Food holds a unique place in all of our hearts. There’s no denying that the smell of freshly baked bread, or bacon frying in a pan holds good memories for many of us. Pictures and videos may give you a glimpse of the past, but nothing satisfies your nostalgic cravings like a meal prepared just like your grandmother would make it. That’s what this work is about. Making the meals of your lifetime over and over again.

Whether it’s: facial recognition ordering, feeding Lahaina’s homebound, or providing free-range, 100% organic heart valves to patients, Abramo Holdings is always pushing the boundaries of food science. With the help of our Vereserum partners I’m sure that we’ll be able to offer these special memories on a plate very soon.”

Famed botanist and Vereserum’s Head of research Dr. Adler Walters admits that he was initially skeptical about the prospect of cloning meals for high-end clients, but is now excited about the possibilities the technology holds. “We’re basically making Nuuskin booths for meals,” he says.

“I’ve devoted most of my life to solving the global food crisis. Be it plants resistant to virtually all fungal and phytoplasmal infections, like the King Coconut or creating a comprehensive growable food source like the Kukenroot, my work has been focused on helping those most in need. You can imagine my surprise when I was told that the company wanted me to spend my precious time on cloning steaks for Lahaina’s rich and famous. It’s safe to say that my initial reaction was not a positive one. However, once Thomas explained his vision to me, and I saw the size of the check Abramo Holdings had donated to the research, I began to see its potential. I am confident that in the near future we will be able to produce life sustaining meals in the lab for food vulnerable populations, and maybe even recreate someone’s favorite fancy diner.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Advertiser Corrections & Clarifications

The Lahaina Advertiser is committed to bringing you news and content that informs, engages, and entertains. We pride ourselves with holding the highest editorial and journalistic standards, delivering to our readers accurate, impartial, and timely stories. However, mistakes are sometimes made. When errors are brought to our attention, we seek to publish corrections and clarifications promptly and transparently. This page brings together in one place all of the corrections and clarifications made to The Lahaina Advertiser across print and digital platforms, whether as a result of complaints or further developments in a story.

April 24, 2050

  • This Mutant Crayfish Clones Itself, and It’s Taking Over Maui


An earlier version of this story misspelled the scientific name for the Red Swamp Crayfish. It is Procambarus clarkii, not Procambarus clak. Also, we have been informed that the crayfish in question does not have the ability to clone itself, and was introduced in 1923, contrary to our assertion that its presence is a mystery. Hula Noodle owner Ralph Umeke did want us to stress that the clarkii are “nasty” and nearly inedible, even with copious handfuls of garlic.

  • Randy Wilcox, Trailblazing Reality TV and Streaming Star, Dies at 46


Although seriously injured, Randy Wilcox is very much alive and recovering in the Lahaina Medical Center. Some of our readers also took issue with calling Mr. Wilcox a “star” or even “Mr.”, the latter of which is a requirement of our manual on style.

April 25, 2050

  • Veilcorp Studies Security Policies and Sees “Little Risk” to Bottom Line


An earlier version of this story misstated the portion of Veilcorp’s business that the company estimates would be affected by stricter global security policies. A spokesperson for Veilcorp says the company’s internal security protocols already exceed the measures proposed, and would not affect operations at all.

April 26, 2050

  • Hailoha Defends New Sea Service


We had mistakenly reported that Mayor Albert Cravalho had no comment on the matter. However, he had actually called for a closer look into the business, and threatened to shut down the water-based ride share service.

  • Six Films to Stream if You Loved “Veil of Terror: A Bride’s Nightmare”


Many of you suggested that Veil of Terror stands alone as one of the worst movies ever made. Readers suggested that the jerky camera work, ham-handed storyline, and actors taking on more than one role, made the film unlike any other, and trying to attach some similarity to six other films was not fair. On further review, we agreed and removed the story altogether. One of the complaints was in Esperanto, and went unresponded to.

  • What Cameras On Monk Seals Show Us: It’s Tough Out There


An earlier version of this article misstated the amount of weight lost by some seals in the study. The seals that stay around Maui during the summer lost as much as 10 percent of their body mass, not 80 percent.

  • A reader tells us that after 31 years of entering the jumble rumble competition, she finally won, only for us to spell her name incorrectly. Congratulations go to Helen Kapua and not Harold Kaper. Apologies Helen.

April 28, 2050

  • PZ Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate Forced Into Apology For Maligning Civil Service


This article was amended after Mrs. Stonegate pointed out that she had in fact not apologized yet, and had no plan to. In addition, an earlier version misnamed the Center for Hawaiian Political Reform as the Center for Hawaiian Political Research.

  • What do Students Really Expect To Learn at the University of Maui Lahaina College?


This article was pulled after it was discovered that Kimberly Hekili, the only individual interviewed, was not a current student but rather had attended the unversity in 2046.

April 29, 2050

  • Hundreds of County Parks Ordered Closed Across Lahaina


We mistakenly said that more than 500 parks have closed in Lahaina since 2034 due to budget cuts. Greg Iona from the DLNR pointed out that there aren’t that many parks on the whole island, and that it was actually trails that were closed. In addition, the number of closed trails since 2034 was 5, not 500.

  • Over 1,100 years later, scientists discover what probably killed the Mayans


This article was amended to correct the spelling of Vindox Ashlidele’s name from Vindix Vagene. It was further amended for historical accuracy. While there is evidence that the Mayans had tobacco and probably smoked it, commercial cigarettes as we know them didn’t exist until the 1800’s. In addition, it is unlikely that there existed a Mesoamerican marketing campaign targeting young Mayans.

April 30, 2050

  • Unpaid internships in Lahaina now cost more than $3,500 a month


This article was amended to clarify that the cost of living in Lahaina was actually 3.5 times higher than the national average and not 2 times higher. In addition an estimated 1,000 graduates will have unpaid internships in a Lahaina business this year, not 10,000.

  • Dr. Adler Walters on the Cutting-Edge Technology of Trees


This article was removed after we were made aware that some of the information Dr. Adler provided is classified, and was supposed to be off the record. We apologize to the doctor, Vereserum, and the United States Government. We ask that readers who happened to see the article, immediately forget any and all details they might have remembered.

  • Abramo Chophouse Provides 20 tons of Burger To Expand “Meat and Greet” Program


We mistakenly identified the 20 tons of meat provided to the Meat and Greet program as “Burger”. Mr. Abramo points out that in fact, 20 tons of “Bob’s Perfect Burger Blend” was provided. He asserts that referring to the blend simply as burger is akin to calling a piece of wagyu beef, jerky. We have made the requested correction in the article.

We regret these and all future errors.

STORYLINE

Chop House Creates Club Offering Weight-Based Pricing

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Bob Abramo has never been one to shy away from controversy, but a new promotion at his world-famous Chop House has many raising their eyebrows and loosening their belts. The recently unveiled Kahuna Club offers customers weight-based pricing on all their meals ranging from discounted drinks to complimentary appetizers and even free entrees for the restaurant’s largest patrons. Health advocates claim that the program glorifies an unhealthy lifestyle and eating habits, while Abramo says he’s just trying to reward good customers and celebrate the joys of living a big life.

You might notice that more than just the portion sizes are getting bigger at Lahaina’s iconic Abramo Chop House these days thanks to the restaurant’s new Kahuna Club. Customers who join are measured and weighed to obtain their BMI and determine if they’re eligible. Four tiers offer various levels of benefits. A BMI of 30, considered to be the baseline for obesity, is the minimum required to join the club and provides a discount on all drinks. The Big Kahuna’s, those with a BMI of 60+, enjoy the top spot in the club and can enjoy a free meal every day.

Despite criticisms, the restaurant says the program has been a big success with bookings going up over 30% since the club was announced. “We’re bursting at the seams,” says Abramo Holdings Manager Brandi Essen. She claims that the club was created to reward a group of people who are rarely given the recognition they deserve.

“The more you weigh, the less you’ll pay. The Kahuna Club is our way of rewarding some of our biggest and best customers. More than most, Bob understands what it means to live large and we’re just trying to celebrate those who understand that food is one of life’s greatest pleasures. The Chop House has always been a judgement, vegetarian, and booth free environment. We commissioned custom club chairs made from local koa wood and the same carbon fiber technology used in Kalani Custom Boards. These seats can handle our biggest customers as well as a tsunami but we decided that wasn’t enough. We want to acknowledge those big eaters who’ve helped us stay in business for so long and give them the credit and discounts they deserve. We’re putting the fun back into the words fat-free.”

Unsurprisingly many health and lifestyle advocates have condemned the club since the announcement and say that promoting unhealthy eating is reckless and ultimately damaging to those in the club. “It sends a terrible message and offers no vegetarian options on the discounted menu,” says Chef Craig Hoomaau, a certified nutritionist and transpersonal plating-arts instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa.

“Life is about balance and green vegetables, both of which are sorely lacking in these people’s lives. To celebrate the tainting of the spirit with buffets and piles of grilled meats is anathema to me. Instead of discounts, these people need phytonutrients and a thorough gastro-attunement to teach their cells to reject the evils of trans fats and embrace a complete tonal supplement regime. This celebration of excess needs to stop.”

“Instead of telling these people they need to change we should be celebrating their taste,” says Chop House owner Bob Abramo adding, “Trust me. These are the people you’d want to keep close in an emergency.”

“Almost as much as a piece of perfectly smoked pork, I appreciate excellence, and that’s what I see in the members of the Kahuna Club. These people are experts when it comes to finding and enjoying great meals. They say that mastery of an activity comes after 10,000 hours. I don’t know how many hours these Big Kahunas have spent eating but I can ensure you that they are enjoying at least 10,000 calories a day thanks in part to our club. Historically, these people used to be revered. This fascination with “healthy” eating has been a relatively new fad, and one I hope to chew up and spit out.

There are a lot of lightweights out there saying that joining the Kahuna Club is the same as fattening yourself up for slaughter. Not only is that incredibly offensive, but it’s just not medically true. We live in an amazing time where many of the diseases that once affected those living a food-forward lifestyle can be easily cured. Advanced stem cell therapy, tailored DNA technology, and cutting-edge tissue science allow us to live a completely meat-centric existence. These people aren’t misguided, they are at the bleeding edge of life. We want to help them get out there and devour everything the world has to offer.”

STORYLINE

Employee Charged With Eating Thousands In Stolen Cold Cuts Says It Was a Marketing Stunt

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It was one of the most shared stories of 2049, and the talk of Lahaina for months. 22-year-old Nate Acosta was facing felony charges for eating thousands of dollars worth of meat while working at a local Big Bites store. The story not only traveled to the mainland, it made its way around the world. Millions followed the trial, and listened to his mother’s emotional testimony that his medical condition, and the quality of the products sold in the store, made it impossible for Nate to resist eating while at work. The story seemed too strange to be true, and Acosta says there’s a good reason for that; It wasn’t. Less than a month into his sentence, Nate now claims the whole thing was a publicity stunt cooked up by his boss Bob Abramo.

For months his story dominated the headlines. Acosta stood accused of consuming over $12,000 of loose meat, jerky, sausage, and cracklin slushies. Detailed inventory reports showed that pounds of products would go missing whenever he was working. The only thing stranger than the accusations was his defense. Nate claimed to suffer from a rare thyroid condition that made him stick to a meat diet, and the taste and quality of the meat at the Big Bites store was too much for him to resist. His mother testified that he gained almost 100 pounds while working at the store. She talked about his growing obsession with memorizing the store’s inventory, his need to talk incessantly about the quality of Abramo jerky, and how he’d return home with pockets full of sausage or deli meat.

Acosta claimed that once he tasted the candied corn beef bites he was hooked, and unable to stop himself from eating his fill every night. Abramo himself seemed uncharacteristically forgiving, and asked for the court to show leniency before Nates sentencing. However, a lot can change in a few months. Nate now says that the incident was a viral marketing scheme thought up by his boss that got way out of hand, and when Abramo threatened him, and his family, he decided to speak up. “It was never supposed to get this far, ” Acosta says.

“I was approached by Bob a few months before the story was leaked to work out the details. He was going to pay me and my family to follow his script, and go through this trial. He promised that he knew all the judges, and would speak on my behalf. At the very worst I’d get conditional probation. Everything seemed to be working just as planned. We were getting millions of views world-wide, Big Bites stores trended up to the number one tourist attraction on Island Advisor, and everyone wanted to try some of the meat so good, a guy couldn’t help but eat $12,000 worth of it.

Then it went off the rails at my arraignment. They were pursuing felony charges. Immediately, the steaks stopped showing up at my mom’s house and she got burger instead. Bob said that we couldn’t talk anymore, and I better keep my mouth shut if I didn’t want myself, or my loved ones to be part of the next burger delivery. I couldn’t let my parents suffer for my mistake, so I contacted the district attorney. I understand now that Abramo lied. He never made the payments he promised he would, and threatened to grind me up and toss me aside like I was a side of broccoli.”

Officials say they are investigating Acosta’s accusations, and if proven true, Abramo could face serious felony charges himself. They have refused to make a statement as the investigation is ongoing, but leaked documents showing that Acosta’s mother received a $5,000 payment from The Lahaina Zipline Tours, one of Abramo’s holdings, and a delivery of 200 pounds of Bob’s Best Burger Blend, shortly after the arraignment.

Abramo denies the claims, and says he made the payment and delivered the meat to Nate’s mother because he, “…felt bad that my products were too delicious for the young man to ignore, and figured his family had the same great taste in burgers as Nate.” Bob says Acosta is just angry because he’s not allowed to frequent any Big Bite’s store when he’s released from prison as part of his probation.

“Once you get that taste in your mouth, you can’t go back to lesser meats. I’m not worried about these accusations because anyone who’s eaten one of my many fine products knows the truth. They are so good, you could get hooked. That’s not just opinion. If need be, I am prepared to prove scientifically that my meat is the best you’ll ever have, and irresistible to a certain percentage of the public. As far as Nate’s accusations about ending up in one of our juicy burgers, they’re laughable. I’d never contaminate my perfect burger blend with a troubled liar like him. You’d taste it right away. Stewing is the way to go if want want to break down a tough bit of troubled meat.

I’ve been cooperating fully with investigators, and I’m confident this matter will be resolved soon. Then, Nate can get back to his work in the prison commissary. I just hope nothing happens to him there since he’s put himself in the spotlight again. There’s lots of knives in that kitchen as well as a 50 gallon steam kettle perfect for soups, stews, and liars.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Facing a Whaler Shortage

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The Lahaina City Council says they are facing an emergency whaler shortage, and have voted to offer potential applicants a generous compensation package should they be willing to fill the role. Dozens of historical reenactors where hired in late 2047 as part of a Whaler Village revitalization project. While the program has been a hit with the tourists, the inclusion of whalers has always been a point of contention with some. Now, after a series of high profile incidents involving radical environmentalists, Lahaina has found themselves without anyone willing to play the part.

From the very beginning some have complained about the inclusion of the whalers, arguing that the city shouldn’t be “romanticizing” the industry’s history in Maui. However, backers of the program say that long before Veilcorp built their facilities, or visitors came for the beaches and sun, the whaling industry built what we now call Lahaina. While there were a handful of boycotts and protests, the whalers became a fixture in the village. That all began to change early this year with a number of troubling incidents.

One ex-whaler who wishes to remain anonymous says, “Things got really bad around the first of the year when the humpbacks started coming back to breed. Many of us had our car windows smashed out and tires slashed. We started getting hate mail and threats. Our personal information was released. You never knew what was going to happen next, but when they grabbed Gary and took him out in the harbor it was the last straw. I’m just trying to put myself through college, and hone my craft, not drown because I’m pretending to be some guy who did a job that people hate. I don’t think there’s anything that could convince me to grab my harpoon, and come back.”

Though the radical environmentalist group Gaia Guard has taken credit for the kidnapping of Gary Puniwale, police say they are still investigating the matter. A statement released by Gaia Guard after the incident reads in part: “…The fact that we, in our hubris, hunted these aquatic entities almost to the brink of extinction should be a shame burned in our collective psyche, not something we celebrate in a capitalist sanctuary. These creatures have unique dialects, thoughts, customs, and a society that is in tune with its natural surroundings, in stark contrast with how our society of excessive waste, and consumerism strangles the Earth.”

The village has been without whalers since the incident. However, Councilman Bob Abramo hopes that his newly approved measure will be enough to lure a fresh group of reenactors to Lahaina. With a starting salary of $85,000, and an impressive benefits package, applications from around the world have been pouring in. “I’m sure we’ll see some new whalers in a few weeks,” says Abramo. When asked about security, Abramo says, “I doubt those plant eaters have the stamina to pull off another kidnapping.”

“Like most people, I hate historical reenactors. I mean who cares about who did what to who a long time ago. But whalers are different. I can’t imagine how exhilarating it must have been to chase down one of these living mountains of meat. Did you know that a typical humpback contains 12 tons of usable protein? That’s almost 15 tons of burger once you add fat to the blend. Renewable food resources has become all the rage, with people talking about eating things like slimy algae. Instead of focusing on making a sandwich out of that microscopic sludge, I think it’s time we think big, like whale big. We need to learn something from our forefathers. Whales can’t be farmed, so they’re always free range. Blubber is one of the most calorie rich foods on the planet, and potentially very versatile for those with an open mind. That’s not to mention the inner organs. Can you imagine the size of the haggis you could make? Who knows what other new culinary uses, adventurous future generations could come up with.

It’s popular to talk about how smart whales are, how they navigate the oceans, and how they sing, but a bunch of clicks and whistles doesn’t convince me of anything. My dad’s old car traveled a lot of miles too, and made all sorts of weird noises at the end, but nobody tried to save it when he sold it to the junkyard. Just like that old car, I think it’s time to scrap our thoughts about whales, and start recognizing them for what they are. Swimming meat lockers filled with almost unlimited sausage, stew, and cutlet potential.”

STORYLINE

Company Unveils Natural Casing Wrapping Paper Just In Time For the Holidays

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There’s good news for everyone with a meat lover or someone who appreciates the unusual on their shopping list this holiday season. A new all-natural alternative to wrapping paper is available for your gifts this year, festive sausage casing sheets. The brainchild of Lahaina meat-mogul “Big” Bob Abramo, the unconventional present wrapping went on sale this morning at all Big Bites locations, as well as the Chop House. Bob says the gift casings are a more ecologically friendly way to package your gifts, and are 100% natural and delicious.

It seems like every year there’s a new “It” gift that everyone is scrambling to buy, but Abramo hopes this year it’s what’s around your present that will get all of the attention. While some may cringe at the idea of decorating a gift for a love one with a product derived from animal intestines, Bob says his casing sheets are the future of gift giving, and are better for the environment than traditional paper.

Brandi Essen, spokesperson for Abramo Holdings says, “Unlike some companies that just go through the motions during the holidays, we continue to chew away at our goals and new innovations. This sustainable wrapping alternative is proof of our hard work, and we couldn’t be more excited.”

“Whether it’s riding at the forefront of tire technology, tackling the hunger problem with innovative outreach programs, or breaking new ground with our 100% natural, grass-fed medical valves and grafting tissues, Abramo Holdings has been a leader in meat-based technologies. Our wrapping casings come in four different colorful patterns, have a shelf life of up to two years, and are as tasty as they are festive.”

Despite Essen’s words many do not share her enthusiasm about the curious Christmas wrapping. Betsy Kaukau, an investigator for the Department of Health says the new product has the potential to be a “holiday horror story.”

“Not to be overly graphic, but we’re talking about wrapping a gift in a product made from pig guts, and sticking it under a tree for several days. You wouldn’t eat a sausage that had been left out that long because common sense would tell you that it’s no good. This is no different. I mean just touching it would be bad enough, but they are encouraging consumers to use the wrapping in meals later on. I know it comes with safe handling guidelines, but if you ask me the risk is not worth the reward in this case. I envision a lot of people running to the bathroom or the hospital this holiday season. If I had one tip for not getting sick this year, it would be to stay far away from Abramo wrapping casings, and just stick to traditional paper.”

Abramo on the other hand is quick to point out that his product follows all food safety guidelines, and comes with strict handling instructions, as well as 12 of his favorite sausage recipes, one for every day of Christmas. Bob says his casing sheets are not only a giant leap forward in food science, but also a big step in green technology.

“With our new casings you can really smell Christmas in the air. We’ve figured out how to “zip” and “unzip” proteins in natural sausage casings to produce sheets like you can with synthetic alternatives, and we only use 100% natural dyes and colorings. Our new gift wrapping has the flexibility of collagen sheets, however one taste lets you know that it isn’t manmade, but comes straight from the belly of a beast. Finally, that family member who always insists on saving the paper from their presents has a good reason to. The truth of the matter is that Americans use over 60 million tons of wrapping paper every year, spending over $8 billion annually. Most of that paper gets thrown away, and that model is unsustainable. Our product aims to take a big bite out of that pile of discarded paper, and you get the bonus of a great tasting sausage at the end. Our present casings are the best thing to happen to gifts, and Christmas dinner in years!”