STORYLINE

Fires Put the Future of Abramo “Meat and Greet” Program in Question

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The “Meat and Greet” program was supposed to offer Lahaina’s homebound a nutritious taste of the famous Abramo Chop House and a little companionship during the day. While the program launched with lots of fanfare and excitement about the unique Abramo mini grills, a number of complaints and mishaps have put the future of the program in question. Following a recent house fire, the third since its inception, the service has been temporarily halted awaiting a state review of safety practices.

There are thousands of food delivery programs serving millions across the country, but the Meat and Greet program promised to offer clients a unique experience by grilling their own meals. The service would deliver a specially made grill along with gel-flame heating cans, and a packaged meal to those unable to leave the home. For many, the program seemed like a perfect opportunity to enjoy a kind of meal unavailable in most home delivery programs, but many say the service is dangerous.

Critics contend that giving grills to people that don’t have the ability to leave the house is irresponsible. In addition, they say the heating cans are the cause of the three fires reported. Although nobody has been seriously hurt so far, the last fire destroyed the entire living room of a client’s home before it was extinguished. The State has ordered a stop to the program while a safety investigation is completed.

Despite the concerns, Brandi Essen, operations manager for Abramo Holdings LLC., says the program is perfectly safe and a great option for those who want to “spice up” their food options while being homebound. “Our goal was to offer our friends and neighbors, who have found themselves forced to stay at home due to age or illness, something other than the usual styrofoam cup of soup and stale sandwich wrapped in plastic. Our trained staff deliver the specially made Abramo mini-grills and a week’s worth of fuel on the first visit. We are careful to thoroughly go over all safety protocols and safe food handling practices. Staff never leaves until they are sure our clients have all the necessary tools to assemble their grills. After the initial setup, clients will experience the best meals we have to offer daily. We provide a variety of our artisanal Abramo sausages, juicy burgers from Bob’s Perfect Burger Blend with choice of cheese, pork ribs with 4 delicious sauce options, and a pack of our homemade cracklins or our famous foie gras chips with every visit. There may be other food options for the elderly and sick, but when it comes to taste, we’re all alone.”

Despite Essen’s assurances a growing number of people have called into question the nutritional quality of the meals. The son of one of the program’s clients points out that the meals his mother received “…contained 110% of her recommended daily caloric intake, most of that from fat, and 150% of her daily sodium. They include packets of vitamins so they meet the minimum nutritional guidelines, it’s irresponsible. I’m surprised they don’t include cigars.”

Betsy Kaukau from the Hawaii State Department of Health says the fires and the nutritional concerns are just the tip of the iceberg. “I was shocked when I started looking into the program,” she says. “These fuel canisters have not been approved for direct use with food. In fact we’ve had numerous reports of fuel leaking onto meals, making them dangerous to eat. For many of these people, this is the only meal they will get in a day, and it is unreasonable to expect them to be able to properly cook it themselves. Many have become sick from improper ventilation and undercooked pork products. I believe the fires may be one of the safest aspects of the Meat and Greet service.”

Founder Bob Abramo vehemently denies that the program is unsafe, and says that the halt in service is a gross government overreach. “Since the dawn of time people have felt the need to apply fire to meat. We just want to help people who might have thought that they’d never get a chance to BBQ at home again, a chance to taste flame charred goodness.” He adds, “I keep hearing that our fuel is dangerous, or our food is dangerous, but lots of things can be dangerous. I don’t think that we should put these people in little pens for protection. These were free range people, and we feel this is a great way to help them have a taste of freedom again. I care about our customers breakfast, lunch, and dinner, not just around election time like these career politicians and government employees. The truth is we may be serving some their last meal, and I think they deserve something meaty and juicy. I believe the elderly of Lahaina have been aged to perfection and deserve the joy only fire and choice cuts of meat can provide.”

STORYLINE

15th Annual SSHAM Fest: A Day of Spicy-Salted-Goodness

Hawaii’s celebration of its favorite processed meat product turns 15 this year and just like SSHAM, it has only gotten better with age. Every year people from around the globe come to celebrate what started as an accident in the kitchen of Art Pua’a, and has turned into a food revolution. Front Street will be closed to traffic this Saturday and downtown will belong to lovers of “The meat of 1,000 uses.”

Top restaurants and a number of Hawaiian retailers will be on-hand to offer a variety of SSHAM related products and food. Two stages with free entertainment, and numerous special events throughout the day will keep everyone entertained. Last year, an estimated 65,000 people shared their love of shrimped-spiced-ham. There are no admission charges and the entertainment is free. A portion of all other proceeds will go to the Lahaina Watershed Alliance. The LWA works with private landowners around the preservation zone to extend protected areas and ensure clean clean water for residents, farms, and businesses. If it’s your first time or your 15th, we hope you come down and enjoy what local residents and visitors alike have made an annual tradition.

SSHAM Fest starts at 8am and ends with the lighted drone show over Lahaina Harbor at 11pm. Throughout the day, vendors will offer a variety of unique arts and crafts including: SSHAM soap, candles, cosmetics, and natural health/beauty products. Our SSHAM Slam stage offers local poets, musicians, and artists a chance to express their love of our canned meat and is open all day. “SSHAM stories are your stories,” and our Stories Stage is open to the public so you can tell the world what SSHAM means to you.

Ride around in style by renting one of Ano Lee’s SSHAM powered bikes, or just stop by to see how SSHAM might be the fuel of the future. Don’t worry about your camera. You can follow all the action and preserve every memory thanks to our SSHAM Cam sponsored by Glimpsea. There are a number of planned events throughout the day as well. This year’s schedule is as follows:

10:00am – Shrig Calling Contest: Art may say they don’t exist, but the rumors of shrimp-pig hybrids seems to persist. You can’t have a SSHAM celebration without its main ingredient. We don’t care if you snort, squeal, howl or gurgle just do it loud enough to entertain the crowd and judges.

12:00am – Sculpture contest: Competitors have all morning to carve, cut, mold, and sear a 90 pound block of SSHAM for our judge’s discerning eye. You won’t believe how life-like and intricate their works can be. All sculptures are donated to the Maui food bank at the end of the day.

2:00pm – Awarding of the SSHAM Can: Perhaps the most prestigious culinary prize in Hawaii, the SSHAM Can goes to the creator of the best SSHAM dish on the island. So far, that dish has always been Ralph Umeke’s SSHAM pho. He wants to add a 15th Can to his collection, but he has some stiff competition from the big island this year. Make sure and see if Uncle Ralph can extend his reign as the SSHAM cooking king.

4:00pm – SSHAM Eating Competition: After watching the culinary talents of some of the world’s best chefs, why not take a break and watch a group of the crazy-brave engulf SSHAM at a gut-busting speed. Will anyone beat Big Bob Abramo’s 13 can record? Stop by and see or enter the competition yourself and find out how many cans your stomach can stand.

6:00pm – Winner of SSHAM Science Fair Announced: Sponsored by Veilcorp, the science fair has become a highlight of the festival. With the help of their Veilcorp mentors, what these kids can create with SSHAM and some imagination is amazing. The company funds the top 5 projects every year, and provides scholarships to contestants to help cultivate the next generation of innovators. Previous winners include a cheap and consumable water filtration system, and a topical treatment that repels mosquitoes and other biting insects for 90 days.

Whether you want to see one of the competitions or just spend a day enjoying the sights and sounds, the festival is family-friendly and great for all ages. Don’t miss helping us celebrate 15 years of SSHAM love!

STORYLINE

Judge Approves $9 Million Settlement in Abramo Butchery Academy Lawsuit

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A federal judge in Honolulu has given her final approval to a $9 million settlement to litigation brought against The Abramo Butchery Academy, a butchery and food preparation program owned by Bob Abramo. Members of the class action suit say that contrary to Mr. Abramo’s promises in the wildly popular ads that “it doesn’t matter if it runs, walks, or crawls, you’ll learn to butcher it all,” the Academy provided “virtually no useful instruction.”

The lawsuit argued that Abramo defrauded students, some of whom paid more than $10,000 to participate in the seminars, with false advertisements promising that they would: learn from Abramo’s vast personal knowledge of meat preparation techniques, that he would hand-pick seminar instructors, and that he would personally oversee video lessons. In depositions regarding the suit, Abramo acknowledged he didn’t choose instructors or even know how many video lessons were included in the curriculum. In addition, some students claim that the program taught controversial theories about meat handling practices and provided students with “no usable skills.” According to a few enrollees, some of the lessons were downright “bizarre.”

Abramo Holdings spokesperson Brandi Essen disagrees with that characterization. A graduate of the program herself, she holds a “Masters Carving License” from the academy and says she’s proud of her education and the program. She concedes that some of the meat handling techniques taught in the program are “unusual,” but says the industry has failed to keep up with the instruction provided by the school.

“We focus on whole carcass butchery, something that most people, even chefs, know very little about these days. We still believe that our students were provided with a quality education, learning proper blade maintenance, marbling theory, and advanced deboning techniques. I’m especially proud of our instructional videos, “Fat Cap Philosophy” and “The Problem With Silver Skin,” in particular. We stand behind the thousands of professional chefs, butchers, and backyard barbecue enthusiasts, who are happy with the education we provided.”

The settlement had been endangered after one former student, Kevin Morrow, argued that he should be allowed to opt out of the agreement to continue litigation against Abramo himself. He was upset that the settlement did not require Abramo to apologize and admit fault in the case. In addition, Morrow wanted Abramo to promise that the he would change the grilling methods taught in the class, calling them “irresponsible” and “reckless”. However, other former students who had started the class action suit wanted the settlement to move forward. U.S. District Judge Josephine Ulu ruled Monday that the settlement was “fair” and would move forward. In her written opinion, Ulu said that many former students will recover 80% of their tuition, an amount that she called “extremely fair.” The settlement will be available to more than 1,000 former students and would be payable in check or in credit at any Abramo store or restaurant.

Despite the judge’s decision in the case, Mr. Morrow says he still plans on investigating other legal options. He says,

“I thought that learning to butcher and cook an animal properly would help endear me to my neighbors. I have some trouble meeting new people and thought the smell of grilled ribs would entice them to come over for a visit. Everything seemed to be going fine at first, but as the meat continued to cook I could feel the mood change. Following what I learned in the curriculum, I wrapped the ribs in tinfoil and reduced the heat before talking to the kids about how human and pig anatomy was so similar. With my tongs and carving knife, I pointed out where the choicest cuts were in the children, and guessed at how many pounds of dressed meat they’d produce. I thought that I could get at least 12 good-sized filet steaks from Tom, the oldest boy. However, I had no idea how strongly some people must feel about wrapping ribs in foil. Before I knew it, they gathered up the family and left without saying a word.”

Morrow claims that instead of giving him the skills and confidence necessary to become a great griller, the program left him ostracized and shunned in his neighborhood. “The fallout from the rib incident has been dramatic. As a practicing amateur sociologist, I notice things that many people miss. Most communication is non-verbal and the actions of my neighbors speak loudly. I’ve noticed parents grabbing their children’s hands extra tightly when going past my house and walking extremely fast as they pass by. I see people whispering when I’m around, and my neighbors avoid me at all costs. My dream of hosting lavish backyard barbecues have literally been foiled by the irresponsibility of Mr. Abramo.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Celebrates Reality Star Malie Kahiko’s 111th Birthday

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Malie Kahiko, one of Lahaina’s favorite daughters, is celebrating her 111th birthday today and visitors and residents alike are helping her celebrate. The popular star of the online series, “Malie’s List”, says that she appreciates all the well wishers and says she doesn’t plan on doing anything special to celebrate her birthday. “After 100, every day is just another day,” she says. Kahiko credits her long life to “genetics, a bit of luck, and trying everything at least once.”

When Malie Kahiko was born, the federal government had just raised the minimum wage to 40 cents, Germany had annexed Austria, oil was newly discovered in Saudi Arabia, and a man named Howard Hughes set a new “round-the-world” record of 3 days, 19 hours. A lot can change in a lifetime, especially a lifetime that lasts over a century. Malie says that veil travel and ceremplant technology are at the top of her list of amazing developments during her long life.

In addition to her longevity, it’s lists that have pushed her into the spotlight, but according to Malie, that was never the plan. “To be honest I never planned or even wanted all this recognition. I started going through my bucket list when I turned 88. It took me 10 years to get through the whole thing. I never imagined I’d actually get through it. Then I spent a year doing things I sorta wanted to do, and made it to the end of that list too. I was 99, I had done everything I ever dreamed of doing. I had buried 3 husbands, a couple children and a grandchild. All of my old friends were long gone and I was honestly struggling to figure out what to do with myself. Some of my great-grandkids suggested I finally get a ceremplant. I’ve never been a big fan of that sort of thing, but they said it’d be easy to use and it’d give me people to talk to. They couldn’t have been more right. I started telling people about my life and my bucket list. Everyday it seemed like a dozen more would message me and before you know it I had my own channel. On my 100th birthday someone said they really wanted to go cliff diving but always chickened out at the last minute, so I said I’d give it a try for them. I figured it might be fun and if it went bad….well I’d get to see my friends again. That was the beginning of the series.”

Malie’s List sees Kahiko scratch off items from viewer’s bucket lists, and has made her one of the most recognized faces in Lahaina. Along with her black mobility scooter Betty, she has spent the past 10 years traveling the world and completing over 250 viewer suggested tasks. Malie has: scooted with the bulls, shuffled off the top of waterfalls, dived with sharks, helped tag the Duracave elephant herd, been hoisted up a sheer cliff face, and even sailed through a hurricane. Surprisingly, Kahiko says she doesn’t see herself as a daredevil, “I’m just a lady who has lived so long that I figure there’s nothing to lose anymore. I go to the Abramo Chop House at least 3 times a week and always eat as much as I can from the Long Pig Buffet, despite what my doctor says. If there’s no lifeguard on duty, I love wading into the surf during a good storm. there’s nothing more beautiful than watching the lightning in the breaking waves. I try not to let anything slow me down. If Betty can get me there, I’m up for it.”

Malie says she doesn’t know what she’s going to do with all the cards and gifts she’s got so far. She even received a prototype wrist device that interfaces with her implant. “To be honest, I’m not sure of everything this thing does. They’re supposed to be sending a tech over to explain it to me. All I know is that it monitors my health and they said it will help protect me from any major injury. I just like the way it looks, even if it does chafe my arm a little. I’d say they need to make the next one a bit more comfortable.” A Reparre spokesperson said they were thrilled to be able to provide Kahiko with the company’s latest technology but could not comment on the device’s specifics.

Inventor Ano Lee, one of Malie’s most diehard fans, gave Betty some upgrades this year as a birthday gift. “I never miss an episode of Malie’s List. I know that there are a few things she can’t do because of Betty’s limitations and I wanted to change that. She inspires so many with her show that it inspired me. Most mobility scooters have less than 2 hp and a top speed of around 8 mph on pavement. I thought I could do a lot better than that, and I was right. After a little power rerouting and tinkering, we got Betty to hit 35 mph on the sand. I figure she’ll go at least 50 mph on the road. We lifted the body, added better stabilization controls, and synthetic all-terrain tires. Now she’ll be able to cross all the deserts and jump all the buses she wants. We added a flash freezing unit to the basket to keep her drinks cold, speakers, a 120 decibel dual air horn system to let people know she’s coming, and a hula girl bobblehead on the handles, to help her remember her home no matter where she is. I hope these modifications last her another 111 years.”

Kahiko says she’s overwhelmed by all the kind words and amazed at Betty’s upgrades. “Just when you think you’ve seen it all, someone gives you a souped up scooter with heat resistant tires. I can’t wait to go volcano exploring while listening to Benny Goodman.”

STORYLINE

Abramo “Meat Wagons” Serve Up Food and Controversy

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With torrential rains in the forecast for the rest of the week, and the unusually high king tides, the flooding that has submerged much of Maui is likely to continue for days to come. Hundreds of first responders and relief volunteers have been working hard to find those trapped or injured and distribute clean water, clothing, and medicine. Dozens of emergency food stations and mobile kitchens have followed to provide warm meals to victims and rescuers alike. Bob Abramo’s “Meat Wagons” are among the most popular, offering a variety of delicious meat based items and pre-packaged shredded pork dinners. While they’re a hit with flood victims and workers alike, many other food truck owners and emergency meal providers say that Abramo employees are spreading rumors and vandalizing their property. Some even accuse Abramo himself of using his government connections to interfere with their efforts and business.

In the past 72 hours, Kahului has seen over 30” of rain, almost twice the average annual rainfall. Coupled with a remarkably high tidal surge, the storms have flooded the area, causing hundreds of millions in damages and leaving an estimated 30,000+ without homes. Officials say that Kahului will likely be declared a disaster area, and the damage is already worse than the devastation that hurricane Neki left behind in 2047. Worse still, forecasters are predicting another foot of rain before it’s all over. For most, the only small respite in their day is a warm meal, and many are doing their best to provide those meals. One of the most preferred choices are the “Meat Wagons,” mobile extensions of the famous Abramo Chop House.

While they are a hit with flood victims, many other meal providers have lodged complaints over the trucks and Abramo himself. Harvey Poua, owner of a popular local sushi shop, says Abramo employees have been harassing his workers and spreading rumors about tainted fish. “They’re acting like bullies,” he says. “They’ll stand in line and talk about how our fish hasn’t been properly stored and how sick people have gotten eating it, then hand out directions to the nearest Meat Wagon. I’ve heard stories that they’ve actually blocked other food trucks in, keeping them from going where they need to go. I made an official complaint yesterday and this morning our trailer was mysteriously tampered with. I showed up with the day’s fish to find that someone had cut our condenser lines, so all the coolers were warm. A few minutes later a health inspector shows up for a surprise inspection, and now we’re closed down until I can prove our coolers are working again. This isn’t a game, I’m trying to feed people who just lost everything! From what I hear, I’m not the only food provider who’s found their property vandalized.”

Lahaina fixture and owner of the award winning Hula Noodle restaurant Ralph Umeke says he’s been the victim of tire slashing himself since arriving with his “Mobile Malasada” truck. “Bob actually called me and tried to talk me out of driving the truck to Kahului. He said, ‘There are already too many people trying to get a piece of the relief pie, and I like big slices of pie, Ralph.’ I explained that I just wanted to help out, since a lot of those people helped us after hurricane Neki, but he wouldn’t hear it and hung up on me. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but less than 24 hours later I found my tires slashed and one of the Meat Wagon drivers told me that, ‘Mr. Abramo thinks you should go home.’ What’s going on here is crazy. I don’t know what he’s thinking.”

For his part, Mr. Abramo denies that he, or any of hs employees, have broken any laws, but he admits to having a “competitive spirit” when it comes to his relief work. He says, “No matter what I get involved in, I like to win,” adding. “I’m going big in Kahului so all the others should just go home.” When pressed about the accusations of vandalism, threats, and surprise inspections Abramo said,

“You have to remember that things are in upheaval over there, and with chaos comes crime, I’m just thankful that none of my vehicles have been vandalised yet. Make no mistake, the relief business is still a business, and there’s going to be winners and losers. I’m not a loser. I think before this is all over, my Meat Wagons will have the highest customer satisfaction ratings and will have served more meals than any of those reheated tragedy-dinner peddlers. The truth of the matter is that one person is squealing the loudest right now, Poua. Harvey is just upset that his so called healthy meals lack the fats needed to keep people warm and energized through a long day of rescue work. After a hard day, your typical relief worker wants to bite into a big chunk of perfectly cooked meat and wipe the juices off their face, not nibble on a tiny piece of questionable fish. If I was Harvey I’d worry more about offering a proper portion size than what my competition may, or may not be doing.”

Mr Abramo had equally harsh words for Mr. Umeke and bristled at the idea that anyone involved with his business threatened the Hula Noodle owner.

“As far as Ralph Umeke goes, I’ve heard good things about his noodle shop, although it’s not really my thing. I’m sure there’s plenty of people who find boiling water and opening a seasoning pack too much trouble, but I’m not one of them. I was surprised to learn that he drove his Malasada truck to the area, but I don’t really consider him a serious competitor. His pastries may be edible, but they’re just empty calories. The Meat Wagons offer a variety of desserts that are both delicious and give you energy throughout the day. Our chocolate marrow cake, pork belly donuts, and foie gras bread pudding are much better choices for survivors than what Umeke is offering. I’m sorry that not everyone has the same hunger that I do. I also apologize that a few of our trucks may have blocked others due to unfortunate breakdowns, but I don’t regret trying to become the best food relief provider in Maui. Every disaster needs a winner and I intend on winning through taste, portion size, and gobbling up the competition.”

STORYLINE

Addressing the Fallout From Mr. Sprinkles’ Visit

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Good morning Mr. Pua’a. Let me start out by expressing my regret about the tone of our interactions over the past few months. I take my job here at SSHAM very seriously and I’m proud to run the breeding and nursing facility. I agree with your vision of the future and the important part that the shrigs have to play. I understand how much money the company has put into their development, I consider protecting their well-being to be my primary goal. That’s why I was so shocked that you had decided to give Mr. Abramo and his daughter Mrs. Essen a tour of the facility. Given the secret nature of our work here it seemed a strange move. When I saw that his daughter had brought her pet pig, I had to speak up. I apologize about our exchange in front of them, but I felt strongly at the time that the introduction of another animal would have an impact on the shrig’s egg-laying cycle. Now it appears I was right, but not in the way I had expected.

I believe Building S is the most advanced animal husbandry facility in the world and I’m very proud of it. When I started working here we had one crazy idea: combine a shrimp and a pig to create an animal that would have little environmental impact and would be easy to raise anywhere there was access to water. Today we have a thriving population of shrigs. Unfortunately, because of the nature of their existence and the public’s opinion on genetically modified foods, we have to ensure the secrecy of the program. I did not understand why you would allow strangers and another animal in without giving us a warning, or discussing it with me first.

Of course, I had heard of Mr. Sprinkles before. I had watched him in the news visiting the hospital on Molokai, helping to raise the spirits of patients there. I even vaguely remembered that Mr. Abramo’s daughter had become his owner and had used him as the ring bearer in her wedding. What I wasn’t prepared for was just how shiny he was in real life and his energy level. He was like living glitter and was zipping around everywhere making me concerned about the shrig’s reaction.

I tried to personally keep an eye on him, but Mr. Abramo’s passion for what we are doing here sucked me in. We must have been discussing the shrig life-cycle for almost an hour when I heard the squeals, shrieks, and a horrible sloshing sound coming from the main holding area.

I thought that my concerns had come true and I’d find bits of sparkly skin stuck in the slots of the fencing where the shrigs had pulled Sprinkles through. Instead, I found that the little pig had somehow lept the fence and was running about the pen while the shrigs squealed. It looked like they were playing. Brandi apologized and some of our technicians removed Sprinkles, but it was clear to everyone that it was time to go. We scrubbed the fencing and quarantined the animals Sprinkles had contact with, just in case he had brought in a pathogen but all seemed well. 94 days later we learned that Sprinkles wasn’t just playing in that pen.

The first hatchling with an iridescent pattern was brought to me immediately. By the end of the day, we had 23 shimmering little shrigs, all from sows that had been in the pen where we found Mr. Sprinkles. By the end of the week, the number had grown to 54. They averaged 15% smaller than the usual shriglet and didn’t seem to be able to filter feed like a purebred of their kind. All I could think of was the millions of dollars wasted and whether or not the mothers would still be viable since their breeding has been so difficult for us. While the little things were beautiful to look at, we’re creating food for the future here, not boutique pets. Then it occurred to me. We had 54 hatchlings from 7 mothers. Even though they were a bit smaller, that was an incredible insemination rate. He may be small and glossy, but that little pig is packing something powerful.

I think it would be in our best interest if you reached out to Mr. Abramo and Mrs. Essen to discuss the possibility of using Mr. Sprinkles’ services again. Of course this time we would conduct the coupling in a more controlled environment. We need to determine if there is something special physically that he is doing, or if his amazing fertility is a result of his extensive genetic manipulation. I have no idea what an appropriate stud fee would be since obviously, this is a unique case. Perhaps Mr. Abramo would be amenable to signing a confidentiality agreement and we could provide him with one of our older nonbreeding sows. Clackers hasn’t laid a viable clutch in months, so losing her wouldn’t be a major loss to the program. Everyone knows how obsessed he is with eating, the man created a museum dedicated to meat after all. I think if he discovers how delicious shrig shumai is, we should have no problem setting up an arrangement. Judging from the noises coming from the pen that day, I don’t think Mr. Sprinkles would complain either.

STORYLINE

Raccoons Drunk On Fermented Pineapple Cause Rabies Scare In Lahaina

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Lahaina residents can breathe easier today after The Hawaii Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) announced that over a dozen raccoons suspected of being rabid have tested negative for the disease. Over the past month, hundreds of calls were placed to officials from concerned citizens about overly aggressive raccoons in Lahaina neighborhoods, and even some stumbling down the middle of Front street. However, tests now confirm that the animals weren’t infected by the deadly virus, but were instead drunk from eating fermented pineapple.

It seems that wherever you go in Lahaina these days you’ll eventually run across an abandoned box of pineapple. With their automated pineapple picking drones, Ananas Farms brought back a booming pineapple industry to Maui and the future of the farm looked great. However, trouble began a few months ago, when the farm announced an exclusive partnership with Alohagistics to distribute Ananas fruit. The move was supposed to provide residents with cheaper pineapple at the peak of ripeness. Unfortunately, critic’s concerns about a service that relies heavily on volunteer crowd-sourced employees, have turned out to be right. Abandoned Alohagistics boxes filled with rotting pineapple have caused issues with flies, terrible smells, and now, drunk raccoons.

Ano Lee, famed inventor and part owner of Ananas Farm, says his company has been maligned unfairly, and the DLNR is responsible for the raccoons in the first place.

“I understand that nobody wants to see or smell a box filled with twenty pounds of rotting pineapple, except the flies and raccoons I guess, but people are acting like it’s a major public health issue or something. I mean it’s just fruit that’s gone bad. Everyone has found an old forgotten banana of orange in their fridge at some point. It’s not a big deal. The real problem here is the raccoons. The DLNR program that brought them here has obviously failed because they’re out getting hammered instead of eating invasive crayfish like they’re supposed to. You can’t blame them really. You bring anything to Maui from someplace else, and it’s going to get hammered on fruit drinks eventually. Why should the raccoons be any different than the tourists?”

DLNR spokesperson Greg Iona, says that officers are doing everything they can to humanely capture the raccoons, but says the organization is hampered by budget concerns. “I think it’s clear that our limited raccoon release program to combat the invasive Red Swamp Crayfish hasn’t worked as well as we had hoped. At the time it seemed like a natural addition to our “Eat The Pests” campaign. Unfortunately, as we all know a few raccoons escaped, and despite our best efforts, there is now a thriving population. We simply don’t have the money or manpower at this point to fully eradicate the animals. However, if the public follows some of our simple guidelines such as not feeding pets outside, and always covering trash, we can go a long way to combating the problem. Obviously, leaving what amounts to be an open bar for them laying around is not something we endorse. Clearly, these companies need to held accountable. Luckily, the raccoons turned out to be angry drunks in this case and not rabid. We continue to urge the public not to try and capture any animal acting strangely. Call us instead.”

Despite Iona’s warning about interacting with the raccoons, many business owners say they have no choice but to trap the pests themselves. Some have been forced to hire pest removal or wildlife relocation services to combat the nightly wave of hungry bandits. While most are still angry about the raccoons, and the recent rabies scare, at least one business owner says he feels more sympathy for the animals now. One of the loudest voices in Lahaina, Bob Abramo, says he understands the plight of the masked mammals.

“Look, I’m no ring tail lover believe me. I don’t really see the point of most animals unless they’re delicious or can fetch to be honest. But now that I know that many of them were just drunk, and looking for a quality meal, things are different. There are dozens upon dozens of eateries in Lahaina, but none of them have had the problems with raccoons that we’ve had at the Chop House. There were many nights that the cooks would have to put on oven mitts, triple-up their aprons like armor, and grab the sturdiest pan they could find before running the trash panda gauntlet on the way to the dumpster. The chittering hordes were too much for a lot of them, and we lost some good dishwashers when the rabies scare started. But everyone can relate to the drunken munchies. All you want is to sink your teeth into your favorite food, and that’s what these things were doing. Not only do we have the most delectable dishes in town, we also have the tastiest garbage. Our alley full of raccoons every night proves it. I feel honored that even something as simple as a raccoon can recognize the Abramo quality that my customers have come to expect. I still hate them of course, and would be dishing out bowls full of raccoon stew if they were even remotely palatable, but I have a little more respect for them now.”

STORYLINE

Tourists Gobbling Up “Mouthful” Software

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Love him or hate him, if you spend any time in West Maui chances are you’ve heard meat-mogul and entrepreneur “Big” Bob Abramo. If you haven’t, you soon will. “Mouthful” a popular new voice app offers users the chance to replace the notifications and sounds on their electronic device with the voice of Bob Abramo. Tourists are eating it up despite complaints from many local business owners, making it one of the most popular apps on the island.

Free if you download the Abramo Chop House’s Customer Assistant AI (CRAIG), Mouthful allows users to hear the Lahaina fixture read you the news, give directions, report the weather, give grilling tips, and even tell jokes (of an adult nature). With almost 30% of visitors actively using Mouthful, Abramo seems to have another hit on his hands.

“Mr. Abramo has been the face of Lahaina for a long time. It’s just natural that he’s the voice now too,” says Abramo Holdings Manager Brandi Essen. She adds, “Forget Veilcorp, Eric Oeming, or the preservation zone when most people come to visit they think of Big Bob Abramo. The Lahaina Zipline Tour is the most popular outdoor attraction on the island, Big Bites stores provide a unique snacking experience for millions every year, and the Abramo Chop House is a destination eatery, serving the world’s finest grilled meats. Bob with a side of fun is the bread and butter of the Lahaina tourist industry. Mouthful offers visitors a chance to listen to one of the most trusted voices on the island, and have a few laughs along the way.”

While the app is a smash with tourists, having Bob’s signature voice and outlandish personality coming from your phone is not everyone’s taste. Critics say the app is vulgar and not representative of the true Aloha spirit of the islands. “Uncle” Ralph Umeke owner of the popular Hula Noodle has banned people using the app from eating in his restaurant.

“The face and voice of Lahaina? More like the belly and jowls. That thing is constantly telling dirty jokes and there isn’t any sort of built-in filter to clean it up. The only saving grace is the smacking noises and grunts it makes covers up a lot of the profanity. It’s as awful as its creator and just like him, it’s not allowed in my shop.”

Other’s are concerned about the image that Mouthful portrays about West Maui. Elizabeth Stonegate, HOA President of the exclusive Tanager Lane neighborhood, worries that the app “sends the wrong message about Lahaina”.

“It’s just the worst thing I’ve ever heard. I couldn’t believe my ears the first time someone was using it around me. I will admit that they cook a good steak at the Chop House, but it’s also the kind of place where you can get a drink served in a pineapple. That kind of kitschy nonsense is exactly what many of us have fought hard to change around here. I held an emergency meeting of the HOA board and thankfully we were able to ratify an immediate ban of Mouthful inside the walls of the neighborhood. Feel free to tailgate in your driveway, drinking bologna beer and listening to your vulgar figurehead if that’s the kind of life you want to live, but we have standards in Tanager Lane.”

Despite the criticism, Abramo says he lets Mouthful speak for itself, and doesn’t plan on changing the tone of the app. If anything he thinks it doesn’t go far enough.

“Mouthful is the cherry on top of the customer assistance sundae we began with CRAIG. The public loves honesty and that’s what they get with Mouthful, of course, it doesn’t hurt that it sounds like me. If you’re lost or looking for something to do in Lahaina you don’t want to have to wade through options and alerts, you want to cut straight to the beating heart of the matter. Help and advice have never sounded better. If you want the real scoop about life in Lahaina, information about shows and entertainment, or just want to get tips on how to avoid vegans Mouthful is for you.”

STORYLINE

Meat Scented Cloths Promise To Help Hawaiians Wipe Out the Flu

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It’s flu season once again and all across the island Hawaiians are breaking out the hand sanitizer, ultraviolet lights, and even traditional methods to avoid getting sick. However, the days of loading up on vitamins and pineapple juice to stave off the flu may be over thanks to a new type of meat scented disinfectant wipe. The brainchild of Lahaina’s own Bob Abramo, Carnicloths promise to wipe out the flu and “fortify the air with the healing scent of your favorite protein.”

According to government statistics, the flu causes an estimated $26.5 billion in lost earnings every year with employees missing 163 million workdays annually. With the advent of veil technology and the free flow of global travelers, flu season has been a growing concern for municipalities and employers. “It’s a real concern for a lot of businesses, and until now options have really been limited,” says biologist and doctor of food science Thomas Mencken. Flu shots can be useful but are only about 60% effective and traditional sanitizers can be messy and unpleasant smelling according to Mencken.

“We basically reinvented the way you keep your home and office clean. Abramo Holdings has already pushed the boundaries of food science with our Manimal infused meats, made the roads safer with our all-natural tire technology, and offered thousands the highest quality medical tissues available. Now, we’re changing the cleaning game with Carnicloths. Available in 4 mouth-watering and bug-killing scents, Carnicloths kill 99.99% of bacteria and leave an antiviral layer on surfaces. They’re 100% natural, safe to use on most materials, and the future of disinfecting wipes. Clean has never smelled so good.”

While most medical professionals say washing your hands and keeping work surfaces clean are great preventative measures if you’re trying to avoid the flu, they are more dubious about the health benefits of a sanitizer that smells like steak. Nonetheless, Bob Abramo stands behind the efficacy of Carnicloths saying “they treat the mind, body, and belly.”

“Think of them as aromatherapy for those of us who have to work and don’t have time or the stomach for a crystal cleanse. There’s no doubt that your sense of smell is one of the most underrated senses. We know that scent is heavily tied to memory and familiar scents can lower blood pressure, release endorphins, and improve overall bodily functions, just the sort of thing you’d want when fighting off a disease.

Carnicloths take a double-fisted approach to fighting the flu. It fights off the virus with natural ingredients and fills the air with the smell of your favorite Chop House entree. Ancho-Aloha Pork provides a sweet and spicy barrier to bacteria, Koa-Rubbed Ribeye gives the flu a punch in the mouth, the Lahaina Lamb Shank is a decadent disaster for germs, and the original Prime Rib scent is perfect for cleaning communal areas.

We’ve been using the wipes at the restaurant for a couple of years now and have reduced sick days by 40%. I have no doubt that once people see how effective they are and how great they smell they’ll become believers too. Give Carnicloths a try and I guarantee that you’ll feel as good as they smell.”

One group that is already singing the praises of Carnicloths are hunters. The wipes have quickly gained a cult-like following in those using them as bait. Ted Ronner says he’s used them to hunt brown bear in Kamchatka and leopards in Sudan but hopes to use them in Maui to bring down a more dangerous target, the Shrig. The mythical shrimp-pig hybrids supposedly escaped from a SSHAM research facility in the depths of the West Maui jungle are considered a joke to most, but Ronner says he has proof.

“I didn’t believe in the stories either until one came charging a little too close to home. My uncle has a place in Lahaina and after our annual family reunion he drove home but something terrible happened along the way. His memory is a little foggy because the Ronners love mixing up Lahaina Sunrises almost as much as we love family, but he distinctly remembers seeing something charge out of the underbrush as he pulled into his yard. Whatever it was hit his wheel so hard that it broke the axle and he went down into the gully. All he remembers is seeing tusks, feelers, and the sky as the truck rolled over. He didn’t dare get out until morning. The neighbors say he was drunk and hit the stump at the end of his driveway but after looking at the rips in the sheet metal we’re both sure it was a shrig. According to what I’ve found on the internet sightings have been way up this year and Veilcorp is trying to herd them to collect the venom for use in experiments. I’m not sure about all that, what I am sure about is that if it eats meat the Carnicloths will get its attention.”

STORYLINE

Researcher Claims “Therapeutic” Ziplining Can Dislodge Kidney Stones, Cure Other Maladies

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Researchers from the University of Maui Lahaina College claim they have discovered a novel therapy for curing patients suffering from the horrendous pain of kidney stones, taking a trip down a zipline. Dr. Jennifer Aluna, who lead the study, says that her findings demonstrate that the jostling and constant vibrations experienced while traveling down a zipline can effectively dislodge kidney stones in some patients.

It’s been famously said that, “It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.” However, Dr. Aluna says that a sudden stop could provide many with almost instant relief from the excruciating pain associated with a stuck kidney stone. Partnering with Bob Abramo’s Lahaina Zipline Tours, Aluna has just completed the first phase of a study exploring the therapeutic applications of ziplining.

“We’re building on work done over thirty years ago, and was ignored for some reason. It was shown back then that riding a roller coasters proved to be an effective way to dislodge stones stuck in a patient’s kidneys. Our research proved that it wasn’t necessarily the large fast drops that was providing the most relief, but rather the jostling and rhythmic vibrations that helped work blockages free.

We chose to work with The Lahaina Zipline Tours because of their technology. Their bidirectional lines and motorized trolleys made the modifications we needed to make for the study easy, and of course the location was nice. We couldn’t be more happy with the results! We’ve shown that a trip down the modified line is just as effective as more invasive treatments, and much cheaper than more popular methods such as ultrasound. In addition, we’ve shown that regular therapeutic ziplining can reduce the chance of future blockages. Our next phase will look into other medical applications such as relieving gallstone attacks, joint and muscle therapy, and the alleviation of migraines.”

The idea that an exceptionally bumpy zipline ride could be the cure to a number of common maladies may seem strange to most, and according to director of the Lahaina Medical Center Dr. Dalia Forsythe, it should. “I’ve seen and heard a lot of strange home remedies in my day, most involving SSHAM, but this is a new one to me. From what I can tell from the study, all Dr. Aluna has shown is that jostling can help dislodge a kidney stone in some patients. I’m not sure what the ziplines have to do with it. It seems to me any of these patients would experience the same level of relief from sitting on top of a washing machine, or riding down a washboarded road. I wouldn’t be so concerned if it weren’t for this talk about gall bladder treatments and physical therapy applications. A stuck gall stone can lead to potentially deadly pancreatitis, a patient who has just gone through a joint replacement could do permanent harm by being tossed around midair. To be honest, I’m concerned about the wellbeing of the subjects in this study.”

Bob Abramo, owner of the Lahaina Zipline Tours, says he believes in Dr. Alunas work, but is not surprised about some of the reactions the study has garnered. “Anytime you bring a new dish to the table you’re going to have a few people turn up their nose, but that doesn’t mean what you’ve made isn’t delicious,” he says.

Abramo says that the success of his Medimeat business, providing patients with the finest free-range organic medial tissues, has been a huge inspiration. He says he was initially skeptical about working with anyone from the university, but after their first meeting, he was eager to allow his business to take part.

“Working with Aluna was as delightful as a free appetizer, we hit it off right away. I was skeptical about how much work we’d need to make to our trolleys, after all you should never change a good recipe, but it turned out to be easy as pie. All we needed to do is take a file to a few bearings so it rattled around a little more than usual, and boom! Science was served. We’re working on special custom mouthpieces to help people suffering from toothaches too. Why pay a dentist to pull a tooth, when we can numb you up and rattle the offending tooth out of your head?

I love the idea of repurposing things, whether it be in the kitchen or strapping into a harness and letting a rumbling zipline strengthen a freshly replaced knee joint. We hope to offer these therapeutic rides to the general public in the near future, and I’m considering converting some of my condos into pop-up private surgical centers for those in need of quick discreet procedures. When it comes to Maui Medicine it’s a whole new day, and you better believe Bob Abramo will be sitting at the head of the breakfast table.“