Noodle shop teaches kids that recycling can be fun

Over the past 18 years Hula Noodle has grown from a favorite eatery for the locals to a Lahaina tourist destination. Run by Ralph Umeke, (Uncle Ralph to Lahaina residents), the shop is well known as being one of the best places around to grab a delicious bowl of food and catch up on the local news. Now thanks to a donation from Reality Machine, the Maui landmark is becoming a place where kids can learn the importance of recycling, and have fun doing it.

Umeke never dreamed that his small noodle shop would become a place where kids and tourists alike could learn about the science of recycling, but then again he never thought he’d be famous. When he built the restaurant he had one thing in mind, “making a place where you could grab a warm bowl of food before work, or after a long day surfing, without a lot of fuss or people bothering you.” Everything changed when a brilliant young scientists named Eric Oeming moved to Lahaina and walked through Hula Noodles’ front door.

Despite being known for his gruff exterior and his wariness of tourists, Umeke declared Oeming a “local who just happened to be born somewhere else.” The pair became, and still are, very close friends. Soon Uncle Ralph’s quite local noodle shop turned into a favorite for hundreds of Veilcorp employees and a stop for any company VIPs. Hula Noodle became a hotspot for tourists trying to get a glimpse of the rich and famous, or Oeming himself. The rest, as they say, is history.

The recycling program began like so many things do at Hula Noodle, with Uncle Ralph’s vocal consternation. The issue that was troubling him this time was the amount of wasted food he was throwing away on a daily basis, and he let everyone know it. Bill Stewart, lead designer at Reality Machine, happened to be in the shop at the time and went back to talk to his team. “It was a no brainer,” Bill says. “We all love Hula Noodle and agreed that donating a RMIII to the shop would be a great idea. Having a place where thousands could see one of our machines working up close would be great for business, and we could show Ralph how to break down whatever customers left behind, instead of just throwing it away. I’d be lying if I said that we didn’t also have a laugh about what he’d throw in the recycling drawer when he got upset. We joked that we’d probably have to go down there one day to clear out a rude tourist who was jammed in the machine.”

A week later a working RMIII was up and running inside the shop. “I let my nephew dump the first half-eaten bowl of pho in the machine. He told some of his friends, and by the weekend I had a dozen kids asking if they could help me clean up,” Umeke says. A month later, what started as a novel way for Ralph to get rid of unwanted food and a fun exercise for a few local kids, has expanded into an educational program teaching the importance of recycling.

Umeke and another local business owner, Ano Lee, have partnered to create a unique recycling program many want to expand to other areas. Kids can use Umeke’s machine to recycle trash they’ve found along the beach and in the preservation zone and can deposit the raw materials in a special “Builder Bank” at Lee’s maker commune. “We have a big list of recipes for various things we thought the kids would like,” says Lee. Ranging from backpacks, to various toys and sporting equipment, or even fluorescent shoes, once a child has all the ingredients they need, Lee will demonstrate how it’s made and hand it over as a reward.

“I donate the CHON we get from all the excess food to local farms to use as feed of fertilizer,” says Umeke. “I have to admit that I have almost as much fun as the kids watching something get broken down into it’s core components. The kid’s love it and I’m proud of what Ano and I have come up with. I understand that we’re not going to change the world, but we’re definitely making our little part of it better. I think that’s all you can hope for. With all the tragedy​ in Lahaina over the past few years and Stonegate’s trainwreck she called the visitor restriction program, we could all use a story that we could feel good about. That’s what this is. A chance for all of us to come together and feel some pride in this jewel we call Lahaina and keep it sparkling.”

However, not everyone is sold. Preservation Zone Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate has been a vocal critic of the program. “I rarely have the pleasure of eating at Hula Noodle myself, as I prefer a more spacious dining area and try to avoid people attempting to fight off a weekday hangover with a bowl of noodles. Nonetheless, I am concerned about any establishment that serves food a few feet away from a glorified garbage machine. I’m not sure I understand how the authorities have allowed this to go on for so long. Throngs of kids are breaking the rules daily by going off clearly marked trails to grab bits of trash and plastic bottles. Instead of punishing them and teaching them how vital it is that we all follow the rules, we are rewarding them with cheap plastic toys. I would be mortified if my children were out in public carrying around bags of other people’s garbage. As a society we pay people who have no other options to do that kind of work. We shouldn’t be encouraging our kids to do it.”

Our SSHAM Issues Just Took a Strange Turn

from: Richard Yates
to: Bill Stewart
date: Wed, Aug 08, 2040 at 11:53 AM
subject: SSHAM Issues

I’ve been told that you’ve been made aware of our SSHAM issues already but wanted a detailed description from me. I have to tell you that this thing has gotten stranger and stranger by the day. What happened this morning has me wishing that I was never assigned SSHAM as a potential client. When this is all over could you please give their account to another associate? I don’t think I’m overreacting. I’m sure you’ll agree when you hear the whole story. Let me start at the very beginning.

As part of our Preferred Partnership Branding Program, we reach out to a select group of well known companies and explain how Reality Machine wants to sell their name brand products. We explain how we can offer them unique branding opportunities and expand their reach into markets they might not have access too. They are told how our design teams will work with them to craft logos and create tailored marketing campaigns to launch co-branded, exclusive lines of their products.

I was thrilled when I saw that SSHAM was on my list. While it’s not something I eat on a regular basis now, it was one of my favorite foods as a kid. I reached out to them with the number and contact info that I was given and that’s when things started to get strange. These aren’t cold calls. At this level there has already been a lot of communication back and forth. I’m used to either closing the deal in a few minutes or sending a bunch of legal/branding questions up the chain. This was different.

I was transferred a number of times and spent over an hour on hold with various people inside the company. Finally, one of their lawyers came on the phone and asked me to explain again what we proposed. I gave him the whole spiel and the response I got back confused me. It went far beyond the cold shoulder and wandered into what I would consider as hostile. I didn’t think much of it at the time and moved on to the next step. I went down to the lab to make a can of SSHAM.

We’ve found that on occasion a potential client says no to our offer because they have concerns about quality. The best way to dismiss those concerns is to show them what the RMIII can do. I noticed that we didn’t have a SSHAM recipe in the database so I chose another canned meat product and started to add different amounts of shrimp. I spent a few hours down there but couldn’t get the taste or smell right, although I wouldn’t say the smell is a strong selling point. I asked a tech for help but it was no use. I decided it would just be easier to buy a can and run it through the recycler to see what I was missing. I know it’s hard to get an exact recipe using this method, but I was hopeful it would give me a clue as to what I was missing. The weirdest thing happened when I put the SSHAM in. I got an “Unknown Quantity” error.

I’d never seen that before. I asked the tech who was helping me and she was at a loss too. We asked around and found that the error was common in the older models before we updated the internal recyclers and upgraded the database. Nobody had personally seen the error come up with the new RMIII models but there were a handful of similar user complaints on file. I tried a couple more machines but I had the same results. I tried 4 different machines in total and none of them could fully recycle a can of SSHAM. I decided it was time to get the the recycling specialists involved and see what they could figure out.

This morning I got their analysis and turned it into my director because it didn’t make sense. The lab guys couldn’t tell what was in the SSHAM either. In addition to everything that you’d expect in a canned meat product, there was some quantity of unknown organic compounds. They​ said the discriminator circuitry was coming back with undefined errors. Their best guess was that the product was made, in some part, with something containing unique or synthetic DNA that was confusing our recyclers. Then things got really weird.

Just a few minutes after turning over the report I got called back into my director’s office and was asked if I had contacted anyone at SSHAM since our discussion. I answered no, and asked why he was asking. I learned that we had just received a cease and desist letter from SSHAM demanding that we “stop any testing, analysis, experimentation, or any scientific examination of all SSHAM products immediately.”

I’m not usually one for conspiracy theories but I’m beginning to think the rumors about the shrimp-pig hybrids are true. I can only assume that someone from the lab contacted someone over there, but this is starting to enter a tinfoil hat area that I’m not comfortable dealing with at my paygrade. I’m not sure what our responsibility is at this point. I look forward to hearing your thoughts and being taken off this account.

If You Want Warm Cookies In the Jungle This VeilCorp Spin-Off Has Some Good News

Reality Machine, a daughter company to VeilCorp, plans on using gateway technology to help supply people in remote locations of the globe. Their prototype machine combines 3d-printing technology with a small internal gateway able to transport small items, about the size of a loaf of bread. Lead designer Bill Stewart says the machine still has a way to go before it’s a feasible alternative to going to the store, but may soon become the best way to provide supplies to far-flung corners of the world. “You’re not going to see one in your neighbor’s home anytime soon, but it does provide some interesting opportunities for relief organizations or groups working in distant areas.“

pocketcommander 1 hour ago
“First!”
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raisedright 1 hour ago
“At ease pocketcommander. Thank you for your service.”
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buffalophil 55 mins ago
“Typical Veilcorp bullshit. Trying to poison the world with extra-dimensional food.”
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BridgetT 53 mins ago
“Oeming really is shameless.”

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Howardthegoose 50 mins ago
“Yeah, fuck him for trying to figure out a way to get clean food and water to people after a natural disaster!”
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TerryH 49 mins ago
“It’s amazing that they can fit a power source powerful enough in something the size of a refrigerator. It has to put out a ton of heat though.”
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StewartB 49 mins ago
“Thanks Terry, we’re excited about it too. I work at RM/VC. I can’t get into specifics but we’ve come up with a way to diffuse virtually all of the heat from the power source. Your computer probably gets hotter. The linked article does a good job of diving down into the technology a bit, and you can see pictures of all of us eating cookies sent through the gateway.”
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Burgerthyme 46 mins ago
“Sounds good but I wonder how reliable the printer is. I have a mid-grade system and it breaks down at least once a year. I’m guessing Veilcorp can afford a better model than I have.”
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StewartB 45 mins ago
“I don’t know much about your finances but it’s probably safe to assume that Uncle Oeming has deeper pockets than you Burger :-). The printer was a big issue for us though. We tried a number of vendors but had a lot of trouble finding one that was tough enough for our purposes. In the end we just built our own. It’s great. I’ve actually been pushing to put it on the market, but I’m just the design guy.”
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Braddick 45 mins ago
“How does it feel to be a tool of the most evil organization this world or any other has ever seen?”
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Grabbage 41 mins ago
“This automatic poisoning machine brought to you by the US government and Veilcorp. Coming soon to an enemy of the state near you.”
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Brownbetty 41 mins ago
“Sounds good but I worked for the OCHA and we had a hard time getting basic medical supplies because of funding issues. Notice how the article doesn’t mention a price? I find the claims that this is being made for relief organizations highly suspect. If the UN can’t afford to send enough bandages to an area there’s no way they could pay for a portable gateway.”
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StewartB 40 mins ago
“There’s no doubt that this isn’t monetarily feasible yet. I said so in the interview. It’s still in the prototype stage, but I don’t think we’re as far away as you think. Once we work out all the kinks and find out what works… I have no doubt you’ll be seeing one of our machines in the field within 18 months. I can assure you nothing more nefarious than sending hot apple pie to research stations in the arctic is going on here.”
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Grabbage 40 mins ago
“So you’ve built a billion dollar pie machine?”
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Howardthegoose 38 mins ago
“VeilCorp doesn’t have the best public image lately, just look at some of the comments. I don’t have an opinion one way or the other but it is kind of interesting to me that the first spin-off is making a really expensive machine for use in an area that is probably full of really poor people or a place where everyone has just lost everything. Do you really plan on selling these or is the plan for this to be Oeming’s pet charity project.”
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StewartB 37 mins ago
“We absolutely plan on these machines being an effective tools in areas hit by disasters. As I’ve pointed out, the costs are going to way down once we get this working smoothly. Once that happens the price becomes reasonable for a larger organization or a government. We sell some more and the price goes down again and you start seeing them other places….on and on. That’s how developing and selling new technology works. As far as Oeming goes, he’s already given so much to society that it wouldn’t surprise me if he worked something out for people in need at some point but that’s a bit above my paygrade. I will say that I’ve been impressed with him every time we’ve met and he seems like he really just wants to make the world better.”
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Grabbage 36 mins ago
“It’s a good thing you’re typing this and not talking because I’m not sure we could understand you with Oeming’s dick in your mouth.”
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Braddick 36 mins ago
“I’m pretty sure there’s some people in Iowa who would disagree with you. I mean the ones who haven’t died of the cancer that he gave them.”
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pocketcommander 35 mins ago
“Cancer is for fags!”
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buffalophil 33 mins ago
“This is really a new low for this place. What Veilvertisement can we expect tomorrow?”
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raisedright 33 mins ago
“Are you kidding? This is exactly the type of thing we cover here, what part of it seems paid to you? I think it’s great that Stewart is actually here answering questions.”
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buffalophil 32 mins ago
“How close is your cubicle to Stewart’s?”
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Pieman 30 mins ago
“What other kinds of pie do you want to send through the gateway?”
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Brownbetty 29 mins ago
“Have you asked for input from any of these organizations? A lot of really smart people work in these areas even though it’s not that glamorous. Not everyone thinks money is the most important thing. I’m sure these people could help you figure out possible problems that you don’t even know about yet.”
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StewartB 28 mins ago
“We’ve been working closely with a number of different organizations and did quite a bit of research before we started building. In fact I have a number of engineers on my team who put time in with various relief groups after college. They’ve all been valuable so far.”
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HarryG 25 mins ago
“How did you get started? What’s a pitch to Oeming like?”
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pocketcommander 25 mins ago
“I think Oeming only catches”
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Prissypants 22 mins ago
“Just a matter of time before the Seattle plant starts capturing and transporting Sasquatch soldiers to the Congo. Lets see how bad they want to keep fighting when a bunch of wildmen commandos start popping out of boxes.”
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bigboned 20 mins ago
“Any plans on using these to replace fast food workers? I’m sure a machine could do a better job at not fucking up my order than the meth-heads working by me.”
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Knighttime 19 mins ago
“It’s been hinted at here already but I’ll come out and ask you directly. Are you telling us that no military applications have been discussed? Is any part of your funding coming from the government?”
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StewartB 18 mins ago
“We’re a publicly traded company so all of our financials are public. VeilCorp of course has many government contracts and is our parent company but that doesn’t have anything to do with us. I guarantee you that there isn’t a room full of generals sitting around here telling us what to do. The military already has a robust system for moving ammo and supplies so I’m not sure what military use our vending machine size project would have.”
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Braddick 18 mins ago
“So it’s beyond your ability to imagine how easy it would be send send a small nuclear bomb anywhere in the world with this?”
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StewartB 17 mins ago
“I don’t think the military would has any trouble sending a nuclear bomb of any size, anywhere in the world, right now. They don’t need our help. I think your tinfoil hat might be making your head too warm you might want to switch to aluminum or something.”
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Worktime 15 mins ago
“Have you tried it out on anything alive yet? I’ve always wanted a pig vending machine.”
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StewartB 14 mins ago
“No we haven’t, but I like the way you think.”
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Lawren27 10 mins ago
“Oh, wonderful time of the day to enjoy sexy time! Fancy given hand or two with! this issue? Try these pills!”
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Lancalittle 8 mins ago
“How inspired by the aliens would you say is your design process?”
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Turbocharged 7 mins ago
“Have you tried sending anything back in time?”
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Brando15 5 mins ago
“There’s been a lot of talk here about sending things back and forth to places that are hard to get to but I think we’re all missing the point. Humans don’t want to move. Sure it starts with big things like this but before you know it nobody is getting out of their chairs. Why get up and go to the bathroom to brush your teeth when you can get transported there. Why bother picking up your toothbrush when it can be gated into your mouth. We won’t even have legs in a hundred generations at this point.”

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pocketcommander 5 mins ago
“I liked Brando14 better.”
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Turk 4 mins ago
“It wasn’t mentioned in the article, but how long have you been working on this project. Do you keep the old models anywhere special? I heard Oeming has a collection of all the older Veilcorp projects as they’ve progressed.”
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StewartB 3 mins ago
“I’ve been here since the start. That was almost 2 years ago so we’re making really good progress. We’ve done most of the designs with computer models and the frame of the machine is the original. So there isn’t really a collection of old machines, just a pile of parts that didn’t work or failed somehow. I’m not sure how cool or educational it would be to look at a pile of old motherboards and burnt out motors. I’m pretty sure Oeming said as much in an older interview. If I’d had a hand in as much stuff he has I’d probably want to keep it in a collection as well. Having said that, I haven’t seen it but would jump at the opportunity.”
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StewartB 1 min ago
“Looks like things are slowing down a bit. Time to get some work done. Keep the questions coming. I’ll answer as many as I can later.”
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