STORYLINE

Search for surfing champion Layla Kalani is officially called off

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All of Lahaina is in mourning today as the Coast Guard officially announced the end of its search for actress, surfing champion, and Womanimal spokesperson Layla Kalani. The surfing legend has been missing 6 days with no sign of her found yet. The announcement was expected, but has still sent shockwaves through the sporting world. Layla would have turned 50 last week.

It was supposed to be the final jewel in the crown of the surfing queen. Often athletes have a hard time with the idea of retirement, but Layla decided on going out big. Her plan was to spend the days leading up to her 50th birthday paddling her board to all the Hawaiian islands. Her production company and a small Manimal crew would film her surfing each island, and her journey, for a documentary about her life.

Starting in Kailua Kona on the big island, Kalani had made it past Molokai and was heading towards Kailua when the trouble began. According to investigators, unbeknownst to the crew of Layla’s support boat, a crack had formed in the freshwater tank, filling the spaces between the hull and making the vessel extremely unbalanced. Layla was onboard having a meal when a rogue storm hit. The boat capsized before anyone could call for help.

The survivors say Kalani took charge immediately and they credit her with their lives. According to a member of the film crew.

“Before we knew it we were in the water. The front of Layla’s board was cracked and the boat was almost upside down. I’m not the best swimmer and I thought I was done, but Layla helped me climb higher up the hull and told me to keep kicking if I slipped down. I told her I couldn’t swim, but she told me it would be alright, “just keep kicking”. She helped a couple of us on her board and said she’d be back. After a while she returned for another board full. She said the same thing each time, “keep kicking”. Eventually it was my turn. I’m not sure how long it took for her to get us all to the beach, it seemed like days. I thought that she’d gotten everyone, but a couple of PA’s went for help when they got to the beach so our final count was short. Layla said she was going back out to the boat to make sure nobody was left behind. By that time the sun was coming up. Kalani kept kicking all night for the crew. That was the last we saw of her, kicking the broken board that saved us all back out there, towards the rising sun. I’ll never forget that image.”

Officially declared lost at sea, Kalani’s life and heroic end was the topic of every discussion in the news this morning. Many of her competitors and celebrities have sent their condolences to her friends and family, as well as expressing shock and sadness over her loss. CEO of Manimal Spencer Kane seemed especially hard hit over the news. Unable to talk at a scheduled press conference this afternoon, a spokesperson read his statement which said in part, “When I met Layla she was just a teenager. We were just a small group of people who had a dream to make the best sports drink the world had ever seen. She was just a kid with a dream of being the world’s best surfer. We took a chance on her, and she took a chance on us. I thought she was special when we first met but when I watched her jump on that shark I knew I was right. That was when millions of others learned what I knew about Layla. She helped make Manimal what it is today. I’m so bummed that I cancelled our annual corporate wakeboarding event this afternoon. It’s going to be a while before I can handle gnarly waves again. Her actions after the accident don’t surprise me, Kalani kept kicking like a Womanimal until the end.”

STORYLINE

Man Behind Controversial Shellfish Shooting Petition Speaks Out

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FIREARMS AND FRIENDS

Aired October 5, 2048 – 20:00 HAST

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

[20:00:07] RANDY WILCOX, FIREARMS AND FRIENDS HOST: Good evening Lahaina and those not lucky enough to live in paradise.

We have a really special episode for you tonight. In just a few minutes, we’ll be discussing the controversial opihi shooting petition with its architect, to learn why he believes it’s important to allow a new way to harvest those delicious little limpets, and a whole lot more.

First I want to let you know that tonight’s episode is brought to you by Lahaina’s Big Bites stores, the big cure for a big hunger. Choose from over 1,000 meats or meat related delicacies. Make your own sausage with one of Big Bites’ onsite grinders, or choose from the biggest collection of jerky in the Pacific. Let the kids grab all the cold cuts they can catch inside the Meat Twister machine, or order a colorful marinated meat arrangement. There’s one perfect for any occasion. Whether you’re planning a special event or just want a snack, stop by a Big Bites store and have a meaty bite of paradise.

We’re also brought to you by Board Entertainment’s hit show, Veil Sale. Now in it’s 8th season. Watch yours truly and my partner John Driscol bid on forgotten packages, abandoned freight, and misplaced luggage. Each bag might hold a treasure or just dirty laundry. Watch us take a chance trying to hit it big by turning one man’s trash into our treasure. Whether it’s 100 gallons of pig milk, 10,000 electric toothbrushes, or an antique shoe collection, it’s all worth something to someone. Tune in every Thursday at 9 HAST to find out what’s in the next box.

WILCOX: Now that we’ve paid for the bullets and the bandwidth, let me welcome Balen Kiko to the show.

BALEN KIKO, LAHAINA HERITAGE MUSEUM CURATOR: Thank you Randy. It’s a pleasure to be on the show, I’m a big fan.

WILCOX: The pleasure is all mine Balen. Before we discuss the petition would you mind if we talk a bit about your day job?

KIKO: Not al all, it’s your show.

WILCOX: For those who don’t know, Balen is the curator of the Lahaina Heritage Museum.

KIKO: Guilty as charged. My wife and I took over the Museum almost 20 years-ago now.

WILCOX: I have to tell you… and for those of you who haven’t checked the museum out yet, I highly recommend it. I have to tell you that your weapons exhibits, with all the shark teeth is….

KIKO: Leiomano, it’s an old Hawaiian word that means “lei of the shark”.

WILCOX: Whatever they used to call it, I call it awesome! Waving around something like that really sends a message, and it aint, “Would you like to help me finish eating this cake?”

KIKO: [Laughing] I know what you mean. I can only imagine what it would feel like to have a Koa warrior charging at you with a leiomano club over his head. It’d be terrifying, but you know, my youngest daughter loves it. We have a joke around the house that if Oki had her way there’d be leiomano frying pans in every kitchen.

WILCOX: [Laughing] That would put a whole new twist on doing the dishes for sure.

KIKO: Yes it would.

WILCOX: But we didn’t ask you on the show to talk about shark teeth. We invited you because of a petition you’ve started…

KIKO: Oh, you’ve heard about the petition?

WILCOX: [Chuckles] Well, not everyone I know is talking about it, just almost everyone.

KIKO: Yeah, I expected some pushback and discussion, but I didn’t expect it to grow into such a big issue. It seems like everyone not only has an opinion, but a STRONG opinion. You wouldn’t believe some of the things people have said. It’s been an eye-opener for sure.

WILCOX: In case someone has been frozen or stuck inside the veil for the past 2 months, could you explain the petition and what you hope to achieve?

KIKO: Sure, sure. Basically, I want to make it legal to use a firearm to harvest opihi.

WILCOX: For our viewers on the mainland could you explain what opihi are and why shooting them is a good idea in your opinion.

KIKO: Sure, but first let me clarify that I don’t want to shoot them. Shooting one would ruin it. I want to use a firearm to help collect them, which is illegal now.

Opihi is a type of small shellfish, a type of limpet to be precise, that is one of the most sought out delicacies in the world. The problem is they live in remote, rocky shores that get a lot of surf and big waves. Every year, people get hurt or killed trying to pry them off rocks. That gives you an idea of how good they are.

A long time ago when a market for them started, Hawaiians would harvest close to 150,000 pounds annually. Last year there was less than 10,000 pounds commercially available island-wide.

WILCOX: Wow.

KIKO: Yeah, now part of that, as the greenies will tell you, is a depletion in stock, but a big part of it is also how dangerous harvesting them is. You’re standing in swirling surf, on slippery, jagged rocks trying to pry half-dollar sized shellfish off a rock with a knife as waves pound you in the head. It’s a nightmare!

My wife and I love opihi and we were concerned about not being able to buy them one day. We did a little brainstorming and testing with things around the house and came up with this method. I have a video if you’d like to see what I’m proposing.

WILCOX: Sure, Let’s take a look.

[WILCOX AND KIKO WATCH HARVESTING VIDEO]

WILCOX: Good stuff Balen. Was that a .22?

KIKO: Yeah, I think anything larger would destroy too many, but I’m not saying it couldn’t be done with a larger caliber round. It’s just such a precise process, I mean as you could see, you have to be a pretty good shot to chip them off the rocks.

WILCOX: And was your wife using a pool skimmer?

KIKO: Yeah, our system requires two people, another thing that a lot of people don’t understand. A lot of people say that my proposal would make harvesting opihi even more dangerous because they only know what they’ve heard. As you could see, the way we do it requires a shooter and a catcher. Having another person there, and able to get help makes the process a lot less dangerous.

We found the pool skimmer to be perfect. The long handle allows the catcher to be far enough away from the rock to avoid flying fragments or ricochet, and it’s light enough that your arms won’t get burned-out after a day of shellfish shooting.

WILCOX: Now it looked like a lot of the opihi were still grabbing onto bits of rock when they fell off.

KIKO: Sure, you still have to do some additional cleaning and scraping when you get home but the most dangerous part, getting them off the rocks, is done in relative safety.

WILCOX: Have you shown this video before? I think it answers a lot of questions.

KIKO: I have, and it’s available on our website.

The problem is that most people have made their mind up already, and anytime you mention guns, as I’m sure you know, a certain percentage of people just shut down.

WILCOX: So that’s the main issue people have, the guns?

KIKO: That’s part of it. I expected that of course. There are some people that just won’t understand balancing on ocean rocks in the breakers and shooting small shellfish, while your partner tries to catch them with a net, no matter how clearly you explain it to them.

There’s also concern about people using old lead rounds which would be bad for fish and seabirds and destroying the rocks that the opihi live on. I understand the first issue, but I think the danger is grossly overstated. They stopped making lead ammunition many years ago, but the rock thing blows my mind. It’s like these people have never heard of erosion. Remember, these rocks are getting pounded all day every day by the ocean. Do you have any idea how many .22 rounds it would take to turn a big beach rock into rubble?

WILCOX: Around 75,000. We did it in episode 22. We had to pour water over the barrels they got so hot.

KIKO: That’s what I’m saying. You’re shooting a rock at most a dozen times when you’re collecting opihi, no way near enough to cause excess damage.

WILCOX: I see our time is almost up but I think you’ve made a great case for allowing a firearms harvest of opihi. How many signatures do you need and how many do you have?

KIKO: We need 81,435 to get the proposal on the ballot and we’re about a third of the way there after only 2 weeks, so we’re very hopeful. That said, people keep signing the name Burroughs and warning my wife not to balance any opihi on her head.

WILCOX: Right…Well, even though I’m allergic to shellfish, I’d be proud to sign your petition after the show. I think the fact that people are trying to stop the ballistic harvest of mollusks speaks volumes about where we’ve let ourselves go as a country. I wish you and your petition all the best.

KIKO: Thanks for the support, and allowing us to get the message out through this platform. I’m not just fighting for the right to shoot in the surf for you and me. I’m doing it for future generations. Thanks again!

STORYLINE

Local residents turn unclaimed items into big business

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Forgetting your bags or misplacing a souvenir while on vacation is something that everyone can relate to, but two local men have figured out a way to turn other people’s carelessness into cash. Lahaina’s own John Driscol and Randy Wilcox have joined the growing ranks of people purchasing abandoned freight and forgotten luggage and turning it into a big business.

It has been estimated that every year nearly $600 million worth of unclaimed commercial freight clogs up Veilcorp warehouses and holding facilities. The reasons vary greatly. Sometimes the cargo was simply forgotten, or the paperwork was incorrect. Often downsizing or a changeover of staff handling the shipping department is to blame. Occasionally a business will close or a shipper/receiver will pass away without an heir. Whatever the reason, when added to another $50 million in personal items and luggage left behind at thousands of Veilcorp stations, the number becomes quite impressive.

While Veilcorp donates or destroys some of the abandoned freight and luggage, the vast majority of it is auctioned off at weekly events across the globe. These auctions have given birth to a small industry of colorful characters and hopeful entrepreneurs who are willing to bid, sometimes sight unseen, on unopened bags and boxes in the hopes of striking it rich. Driscol says that opening a bag for the first time “feels like opening a present on Christmas morning. You’re just hoping it’s not full of socks or underwear.” Wilcox says that working the abandoned freight circuit is not for the feint of heart, “You can go days with nothing to bid on but pallets of toothbrushes or barrels of floor wax. You never know what’s going to show up in the next crate. It takes a special kind of person to deal with the uncertainty of it all, especially if you’re trying to do it for a living.”

Richard Brace, Head of Safety and Facilities at the Veilstation in Lahaina, has seen the auctions boom and agrees that you never know what will get sent through the veil. When asked about the strangest bit of unclaimed cargo he answers quickly. “The strangest thing ever to go unclaimed? That’s easy, a huge container of pig milk” he says. “I had to look twice and not just because of the misspelled label. The bar code was messed up so our readers wouldn’t function and we couldn’t find any record of it in the system. On top of that, the RFID tags were working on the wrong frequency. Everything about it just seemed a little off. I couldn’t wait to get it out of the warehouse.” John says he remembers the pig milk auction. “We got it really cheap and resold it to a friend who works at SSHAM. I think they were working on a cheese flavor at the time.”

While it’s true that there is a number of oddities left behind, it’s not all bulk dental products, wax, and pig milk according to Driscol. He says that sometimes there’s gold in those bags, literally.

“I’ve known Randy for a while and he had been bugging me to go to an auction with him to check it out. To be honest, it sounded like a lot of work. I don’t like standing in one place for too long, I’m more of a sitter. Also, I was pretty sure that there wouldn’t be anyplace to get something to drink if I got thirsty or a decent bathroom. I told him that I didn’t like taking care of my own laundry, let alone digging through someone else’s out of a suitcase. But he kept pushing and pushing and finally I gave in. I bought the very first piece of luggage that was up for sale, just so that I could leave and find someplace comfortable to wait for the auction to end. When I opened it up I couldn’t believe my eyes. Right on top was a plastic case filled with gold coins. You have to understand something. I’ve wanted to be a pirate since I was a kid, not for the fighting, drinking, or sailing but for the treasure. Digging a hole and finding gold always seemed like the perfect job to me. Here I found gold and I didn’t even have to dig; it was awesome! I knew I was hooked.”

While John focuses on smaller items and collectibles, Wilcox usually sets his sights on bigger prizes, and is even trying to leverage the increased public interest into a reality show.

“I keep my eyes peeled for great deals and things I can flip quickly. I don’t like to gamble as much as John. I try to purchase anything that I think my fans would like to see me break, ride, or use on my YouTube channel, or that I can incorporate into my backyard wrestling operation. You have no idea how high your folding chair and fluorescent light bulb bill can get after just a couple tag-team matches. If it wasn’t for the live streaming with my X-eyez app and these auctions, I wouldn’t be able to afford our steel cage events.”

Unlike most of his followers, it wasn’t the stunts or drop-kicks that piqued the interest of Board Entertainment, Layla Kalani’s production company, but rather Randy’s broadcasting of the auctions. “They said John and I had something special and wanted to work with us to develop a show about our lives and the culture surrounding the auctions. It’s called “Veil Sale” and we’ve shot a couple episodes already. It’s been great so far. John loves the craft services and I can’t wait to see how many new fans will join my channel. I never dreamed that I’d be discovered thanks to forgotten stuff.”

STORYLINE

Review of Veil of Terror: A Bride’s Nightmare

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Veil of Terror: A Bride’s Nightmare, is the first movie made by Layla Kalani’s production company and marks the actorial debut of the surfing champion. Following in the footsteps of many other celebrities, Layla has decided to dip her toes in the movie-making waters. Unfortunately for her, it is a complete wipe out. More adept at wrestling sharks than convincingly expressing an emotion, Layla has created a film that no parent would want to give away.

I have little doubt that Veil of Terror will become successful but not for the reasons its backers hope. For generations to come, this movie will be watched by people trying to prove their patience and resolve. One can only assume that the film began as a dare that nobody had the sense to decline. The story unfolds like a collection of fever dreams, and the acting is valiant but flat. The decision to shoot the entire movie with handheld cameras to give it an “authentic” look, makes the whole affair feel like a shotgun wedding.

I normally try to avoid giving spoilers during a review, but the idea that anything I could say would “spoil” this summer stinker is ridiculous. Some of you are undoubtedly thinking that I am being overly critical and unfair to Ms. Kalani. Surely, it couldn’t be any worse than the normal straight to streaming fare offered during peak movie months. That’s where you’re wrong. Let me try and explain what you’re in for should you choose to pay for Veil. Spoliers ahead!

Layla plays the lead character, a marine biologist and surfing enthusiast named Brandy Boudreau. Brandy spends long portions of her day staring silently out at the ocean. What she is thinking, if anything at all, is anyone’s guess. Her high school sweetheart Luis Laraoux, played by Mitch Carson, works in environmental clean-up. He specializes in cleaning oil off birds. When he doesn’t have the look of a pet that knows he’s made a mess in the house and is waiting to be scolded, Luis spends his time scrubbing pelicans and lamenting the decline of oil spills. Seriously!

You see, Laraoux comes from a long line of bird cleaners. His father washed off wildlife as did his father’s father. The world is changing for Luis and he doesn’t like it. In addition to the world, his relationship is in flux as well. Brandy doesn’t think that the technological advances that are putting her boyfriend out of business are a bad thing. In fact, she transports endangered turtles to remote locations across the globe with veil technology and is something of an expert in it (a plot point that will become important later in the movie.)

The increasingly agitated Luis and the staring obsessed Brandy begin to drift apart. Eventually she decides to leave Louisiana and Luis himself. The next 30 mins are a collection of unlikely chase scenarios. Brandy veils with her research to numerous locals to avoid him, only to find that Luis has followed her, and she must run away. He chases her in cars, on foot, on bicycles, along the beach, in the water, through all manner of stores, and finally straight into a police station, where he is arrested. Carson does an admirable job of trying to carry this gigantic mess across the threshold of decency during these segments but is unable to preserve his honor.

Fast forward 5 years and we find ourselves in Lahaina. We see Brandy running towards a man on the beach and jumping into his arms. When he lifts her off the ground and spins we see it is Luis but with facial hair. While you’re still scratching your head, it is revealed that this isn’t Luis after all, but her fiancee Tim. He only looks like Luis. He looks like Luis because he is played by the same actor, Mitch Carson. I can’t begin to understand the decision behind casting the same actor to play both male leads. I considered for a moment that it served as some sort of story telling device or allegory that was simply beyond my understanding, but there is so much about this movie that I don’t understand, that I gave up.

A number of improbable events occur leading up to Brandy’s wedding, including a new neighbor moving next door who happens to look like Luis with dreadlocks. At this point there was an audible groan in the theater. As you may have already guessed the guy turns out to be her stalker ex with different hair. For someone who spends so much time in the movie silently staring at things, Brandy’s facial recognition skills are exceedingly poor.

A number of creepy or inappropriate interactions between the new neighbor and Brandy take place, including the discovery of an old picture of her in Louisiana. She never quite seems to recognize Louis underneath his corded hair though. Much to the joy of everyone who has sat through the previous 90 minutes, Brandy’s wedding day finally arrives. Luis reveals to her what has been painfully obvious to everyone and attempts to kidnap her.

Another long chase sequence ensues. This time the audience is treated to a run through some of Lahaina’s most recognizable spots including an almost 3 minute long zipline scene. I don’t think I have the language to properly describe the thrill of watching 100 nauseating seconds of straight line, harnessed pursuit. You might ask yourself why in the world someone would take the time to get into a harness if they are running for their lives, but that is only because you didn’t write Veil of Terror.

The movie mercifully ends at just under 2 hours after Brandy tricks Luis and sends him through the veil after doing something to his DNA profile. What comes out the other end is a perfect metaphor for the movie. Watching a sports legend being chased around in a wedding dress was more painful than sitting through a drunk uncle’s toast about how attractive a new bride is. Veil of Terror is a bouquet of bad writing, feckless acting, and poor decisions that nobody would want to catch.