STORYLINE

Lahaina Celebrates Reality Star Malie Kahiko’s 111th Birthday

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Malie Kahiko, one of Lahaina’s favorite daughters, is celebrating her 111th birthday today and visitors and residents alike are helping her celebrate. The popular star of the online series, “Malie’s List”, says that she appreciates all the well wishers and says she doesn’t plan on doing anything special to celebrate her birthday. “After 100, every day is just another day,” she says. Kahiko credits her long life to “genetics, a bit of luck, and trying everything at least once.”

When Malie Kahiko was born, the federal government had just raised the minimum wage to 40 cents, Germany had annexed Austria, oil was newly discovered in Saudi Arabia, and a man named Howard Hughes set a new “round-the-world” record of 3 days, 19 hours. A lot can change in a lifetime, especially a lifetime that lasts over a century. Malie says that veil travel and ceremplant technology are at the top of her list of amazing developments during her long life.

In addition to her longevity, it’s lists that have pushed her into the spotlight, but according to Malie, that was never the plan. “To be honest I never planned or even wanted all this recognition. I started going through my bucket list when I turned 88. It took me 10 years to get through the whole thing. I never imagined I’d actually get through it. Then I spent a year doing things I sorta wanted to do, and made it to the end of that list too. I was 99, I had done everything I ever dreamed of doing. I had buried 3 husbands, a couple children and a grandchild. All of my old friends were long gone and I was honestly struggling to figure out what to do with myself. Some of my great-grandkids suggested I finally get a ceremplant. I’ve never been a big fan of that sort of thing, but they said it’d be easy to use and it’d give me people to talk to. They couldn’t have been more right. I started telling people about my life and my bucket list. Everyday it seemed like a dozen more would message me and before you know it I had my own channel. On my 100th birthday someone said they really wanted to go cliff diving but always chickened out at the last minute, so I said I’d give it a try for them. I figured it might be fun and if it went bad….well I’d get to see my friends again. That was the beginning of the series.”

Malie’s List sees Kahiko scratch off items from viewer’s bucket lists, and has made her one of the most recognized faces in Lahaina. Along with her black mobility scooter Betty, she has spent the past 10 years traveling the world and completing over 250 viewer suggested tasks. Malie has: scooted with the bulls, shuffled off the top of waterfalls, dived with sharks, helped tag the Duracave elephant herd, been hoisted up a sheer cliff face, and even sailed through a hurricane. Surprisingly, Kahiko says she doesn’t see herself as a daredevil, “I’m just a lady who has lived so long that I figure there’s nothing to lose anymore. I go to the Abramo Chop House at least 3 times a week and always eat as much as I can from the Long Pig Buffet, despite what my doctor says. If there’s no lifeguard on duty, I love wading into the surf during a good storm. there’s nothing more beautiful than watching the lightning in the breaking waves. I try not to let anything slow me down. If Betty can get me there, I’m up for it.”

Malie says she doesn’t know what she’s going to do with all the cards and gifts she’s got so far. She even received a prototype wrist device that interfaces with her implant. “To be honest, I’m not sure of everything this thing does. They’re supposed to be sending a tech over to explain it to me. All I know is that it monitors my health and they said it will help protect me from any major injury. I just like the way it looks, even if it does chafe my arm a little. I’d say they need to make the next one a bit more comfortable.” A Reparre spokesperson said they were thrilled to be able to provide Kahiko with the company’s latest technology but could not comment on the device’s specifics.

Inventor Ano Lee, one of Malie’s most diehard fans, gave Betty some upgrades this year as a birthday gift. “I never miss an episode of Malie’s List. I know that there are a few things she can’t do because of Betty’s limitations and I wanted to change that. She inspires so many with her show that it inspired me. Most mobility scooters have less than 2 hp and a top speed of around 8 mph on pavement. I thought I could do a lot better than that, and I was right. After a little power rerouting and tinkering, we got Betty to hit 35 mph on the sand. I figure she’ll go at least 50 mph on the road. We lifted the body, added better stabilization controls, and synthetic all-terrain tires. Now she’ll be able to cross all the deserts and jump all the buses she wants. We added a flash freezing unit to the basket to keep her drinks cold, speakers, a 120 decibel dual air horn system to let people know she’s coming, and a hula girl bobblehead on the handles, to help her remember her home no matter where she is. I hope these modifications last her another 111 years.”

Kahiko says she’s overwhelmed by all the kind words and amazed at Betty’s upgrades. “Just when you think you’ve seen it all, someone gives you a souped up scooter with heat resistant tires. I can’t wait to go volcano exploring while listening to Benny Goodman.”

STORYLINE

Excitement and Controversy Over Upcoming Veil Stop Announcement Continues

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Veilcorp and the County of Maui are set to announce the locations of the first Veil Stops at the end of the week, amid increasing excitement and swirling controversy. Many still consider the next generation public transportation system a wonder, while some worry about safety and improper government influence. A number of recent reports regarding the possible health effects, and corruption have lessened the near unanimous support for the project.

Promising to revolutionize the way we travel locally, the Veil Stop network was met with excitement across the island back in January. Veilcorp said they could convert existing bus stops with little effort and could have a working system up and running within months. Since then, multiple delays, warnings from environmental groups, and corruption investigations have slowed progress and diminished public support for the project.

Mayor Albert Cravalho says that despite the controversy, he believes that the network will be a major attraction for tourists and a huge benefit to residents. “Every project is met with some sort of pushback, but I am confident that the Veil Stop network will change the day-to-day lives of many for the better. In spite of a few activists using bad science and rumors to derail the project, many business owners and residents see the possibilities that the Veil Stops afford and are excited.”

Inventor and technology gadfly Ano Lee is one such business owner. He has been pushing to have an out of service bus stop near his maker commune reopened as part of the pilot program. Lee says that the expansion of the preservation zone ended all public transportation in his area, and the Veil Stop project would return the valuable service to his neighbors and his business.

“Preservation zone rules have kept viable public transportation options out of the area, but the Veil Stop network could change all that. I think the old bus stop down the road is the natural choice. People have to understand what a hot-spot my Chacki Hut has become. Sure, tourists come to Lahaina for the crystal clear water, lush forests, and scenic cliffs. However, the hut is now rated as one of the most popular tourists destinations on a variety of social media outlets. Our selection of peel-n-stick LED lights is second to none, and as far as I know, there is nothing like our custom bobblehead machines anywhere on the island. Since we’re a little off the beaten path, I think it’s only natural that the pilot program start out here.”

Preservation zone compliance liaison to the mayor’s office Elizabeth Stonegate disagrees. She believes that the network should focus on currently active bus stops, saying that an active stop in the area would upset delicate natural areas. She counters, “There’s a reason that the bus routes in the area were discontinued, and it wasn’t to upset Ano Lee and his collection of ungroomables. The stop that Lee is pushing so hard to reopen is less than a mile from my home in Tanager Lane. As HOA president it is my job to protect my neighborhood and home values. I can assure you that the residents of Tanager Lane are not public transportation people. I’m sorry that visitors to Lee’s plastic shed will have to buy their trinkets and trance music somewhere else. There isn’t anything here for the kind of people who would visit his neck beard collective, certainly not a home in their price range. I think it is obvious that these people would be much happier in other areas of Lahaina.”

Chop House owner Bob Abramo agrees with Stonegate, and says the obvious location is one of the stops downtown. Abramo is nearing completion of a multi million dollar “Museum of Meat History” alongside his restaurant, and says that the interest in the new expansion makes his location the obvious choice. However, many have accused Abramo of using his position on the city council to unduly sway the planning committee’s decision. Known for his outlandish statements and direct manner, many are saying his “appreciation program” is a step too far, even for the larger-than-life Lahaina fixture.

He says,

“I really don’t know what all the fuss is about. You hear about people celebrating police officers and first responders all the time. I’m not saying we shouldn’t give a little extra thanks to these brave men and women, they do an incredible job. I’m just trying to recognize other public servants who are too often overlooked. I wanted to recognize those that work late hours missing diners to make sure that the paperwork was done in triplicate. I wanted to give the hardworking people who only have time for instant noodles during the day something they could appreciate. When we started looking at all the groups who put in a little something extra in our local government, one stood out immediately. I’m proud of the “Veil Stop Planning Committee Appreciation Program.” I’m offering everyone on the committee free meals this week at the Chop House. Frankly, with so many vying for their attention I thought it only right that I offered them a spot at my table to relax and make the right decision.”

The committee says they are still looking at a number of areas, and will announce the first Veil Stop locations early this Friday.

STORYLINE

Bobblehead Hula Girl Review

If you love your family DO NOT buy this product!!!!!!

I’d like to start off this review by stating that we are moral people who not only speak about family values, we live them. But this gyrating harlot idol was almost the end of us.

My parents had planned a 50th anniversary trip to Hawaii for a few years, and I thought it would be neat to get them something for the trip. After talking it over with the other gals at the hairdressers, I decided on something a little risque but fun, a hula girl. It arrived very promptly and the issues began almost immediately.

Her skirt was pulled apart in an indecent manner by the bubble wrapping and her bosom was so ample that it made my 16-year-old blush as I unwrapped her. Worse still was the vulgar smile painted across her face. The product pictures showed a cute little grin, and not the curled red leer that I was looking at.

My son soon began to have an unnatural attraction to the toy. I can’t count how many times I’d come home with groceries to find him pushing on her belly and sitting hypnotized by her gyrations. Then she “malfunctioned” when he played with her. She bent over at the waist and stayed there. At the same time, her head tipped back with it’s painted, hungry grin. There it sat in front of my son staring him in the eye, with a direct look at where her demon purse should be. I almost dropped my coffee.

I grabbed it and brought it into my bedroom. When I calmed down, I set her on the nightstand and pushed her. I shook her, held her upside down, anything I could think of to make her “malfunction” again, but she wouldn’t. I put her in my closet to think what to do next. I didn’t tell my husband when he got home because I didn’t want to worry him. I figured we’d just have a nice evening together and deal with the ugliness in the morning. I should have known better.

When I woke up that night, the first thing I noticed was that Frank was not in bed. I saw a light in the bathroom and asked if he was OK. When he didn’t answer I got up to check. I found the bathroom empty, but noticed that the counter was covered in what looked like brush bristles. When I looked closer, I discovered that they were actually tiny plastic blades of grass. I felt my stomach drop and the panic started again. I looked out the window and saw that someone was in the garage. I ran downstairs and opened the garage door. What I saw horrified me.

Frank had his back to me facing the shelves. At eye level, there she was “malfunctioning” again. Bent over, head looking over her shoulder, smiling crude promises, she remained for a few seconds as I called his name. Finally, he turned around and I could tell he didn’t know where he was. Behind him she returned to her normal posture. I marched right past him and grabbed the plastic homewrecker. I took her straight out to the garbage can and put her where she belonged, with the other trash. I went back inside, told Frank to get to bed and grabbed a beach chair. I sat out there until the morning when the garbage man came. I knew I couldn’t chance it.

We’re still getting over the ordeal. My son’s grades have slipped a bit, but I understand how confusing all of this was for him. Society has no shortage of tantalizing traps for young men, I blame myself for bringing another temptation into our home. Frank and I are working through it. He says he doesn’t remember much, and I am thankful for that. Needless to say mom and dad went to Hawaii without anything but our good wishes. Please don’t make the same mistake as I did, by buying this flowered family killer!