STORYLINE

Aloha Shores under new management

Hello members of the Aloha Shores family. Frank and I would like to take a moment to thank you for sticking with us through this tumultuous time. Your trust and determination has been an inspiration. Our decision to let you all stay past your agreed upon departure date has turned out to one of the best we’ve ever made. Being a timeshare salesman doesn’t always expose you to the best qualities in people, but you have all been great!

I was concerned when we finally ran out of chicken wraps, but I was downright terrified when the pinwheel sandwiches and buckets of instant soup were gone. We assumed with the continued WiFi trouble, and our inability to provide you the promised “Dolphin Experience” tickets, that the lack of desirable food would be the final nail in our coffins. Instead you all pitched in, and we’ve made it work for over 6 months now. I only wish that Frank and I could give back to you the kind of courage you’ve given us, but unfortunately we can’t. We apologize for the short notice, but by morning Aloha Shores Condominiums will be under new management.

You are probably asking yourself how this could happen, and why? Believe me, this was not how we wanted things to go, but when Big Bob Abramo tells you that he’s hungry for your property you don’t have any choice, but to bag it up and hand it over.

Those of you who were here for an extended period before the fracture have undoubtedly watched his commercials were he proudly claims: “Big Bob Abramo eats the competition!” Frank and I fear that this may be more than just a tagline now. When Frank and I got started, Abramo only owned a couple of condos along Front Street. Even then he had a reputation of being an impossible man to work with. Large, uncouth, belligerent, and incredibly sensitive to people noticing his gout, Big Bob was a terror. He went through agents like wet naps at a BBQ. We even tried representing him and his properties for a few days before Frank made the mistake of staring at his foot.

Eventually Bob applied for, and received a real estate license, vowing to put us all out of business. He would routinely show up to networking events, even though he had no intention on working with anyone. Instead of sharing leads, Big Bob looked at these events like a living menu where he could carefully decide which broker to swallow up next. He’d write down their names, and put them in his fanny pack like a snack he intended to nibble on later. After taking all the shrimp from the buffet table, and gulping any unattended drink within reach, It was common for him to stuff a beach towel in the back of his shirt like a cape and lurch around yelling that he was the “hero of holdings.”

While he made few friends, his appetite for property was remarkable and he soon had enough resources to put together an amazing team. It wasn’t long before he gobbled up almost half of the rentable property on Front Street. Even with his success, Abramo was still ravenous. He continued to consume the competition, and began holding private feasts after each purchase. In addition to his team, he would invite his next target to these lavish meals. During dessert he would have a suckling pig brought out, call the piglet by the guest’s name, and devour the whole thing to the delight of his team. As you can imagine, the word spread quickly and his invitations went unanswered.

Bob had been sniffing around Aloha Shores just before the accident, but with everything else going on my brother and I didn’t imagine that we’d have to worry about him. We were wrong. It appears Bob’s hunger for holdings, among other things, has grown unabated during the past 6 months.

You can imagine our surprise when we found him, and some of his new team in the parking lot this afternoon. Without reliving the whole thing, I can tell you that the experience was not a pleasant one. Many of them appear to be suffering from some sort of sickness, and Bob seems a bit bigger than we remembered. When Frank remarked about how substantial he was looking, Bob proclaimed that his size was due to a steady diet of Stewart stew, and handed over Mr. Stewart’s shoes. He asked how many meals we thought we had inside, and smiled saying that the number was probably higher than we thought. When I began to protest, he explained that the only reason he didn’t own the building already was that he was having a hard time finding a pig, but planned on having a plate of Frank or Steve very soon unless we gave up ownership.

As you can imagine we are very shaken. Taking into consideration how limited our resources are, and how well fed Big Bob still appears, we’ve decided to try our luck elsewhere. We are not brave enough for this new world. We’ve decided to take Abramo’s modest proposal and depart. I apologize for any inconvenience our fleeing may cause. We’re almost packed, and plan on using the cover of darkness to our advantage. We’ve enjoyed the time we’ve shared together but it’s time for these timeshare salesmen to go. If you can be ready within the hour you are more than welcome to come along. For everyone else, we would like to thank you again for being part of the Aloha Shores family. We wish you the best of luck in the future, but it is time for us to say Aloha to the shores!

Steve and Frank Lacey
Lacey Property Management

STORYLINE

Chop House Creates Club Offering Weight-Based Pricing

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Bob Abramo has never been one to shy away from controversy, but a new promotion at his world-famous Chop House has many raising their eyebrows and loosening their belts. The recently unveiled Kahuna Club offers customers weight-based pricing on all their meals ranging from discounted drinks to complimentary appetizers and even free entrees for the restaurant’s largest patrons. Health advocates claim that the program glorifies an unhealthy lifestyle and eating habits, while Abramo says he’s just trying to reward good customers and celebrate the joys of living a big life.

You might notice that more than just the portion sizes are getting bigger at Lahaina’s iconic Abramo Chop House these days thanks to the restaurant’s new Kahuna Club. Customers who join are measured and weighed to obtain their BMI and determine if they’re eligible. Four tiers offer various levels of benefits. A BMI of 30, considered to be the baseline for obesity, is the minimum required to join the club and provides a discount on all drinks. The Big Kahuna’s, those with a BMI of 60+, enjoy the top spot in the club and can enjoy a free meal every day.

Despite criticisms, the restaurant says the program has been a big success with bookings going up over 30% since the club was announced. “We’re bursting at the seams,” says Abramo Holdings Manager Brandi Essen. She claims that the club was created to reward a group of people who are rarely given the recognition they deserve.

“The more you weigh, the less you’ll pay. The Kahuna Club is our way of rewarding some of our biggest and best customers. More than most, Bob understands what it means to live large and we’re just trying to celebrate those who understand that food is one of life’s greatest pleasures. The Chop House has always been a judgement, vegetarian, and booth free environment. We commissioned custom club chairs made from local koa wood and the same carbon fiber technology used in Kalani Custom Boards. These seats can handle our biggest customers as well as a tsunami but we decided that wasn’t enough. We want to acknowledge those big eaters who’ve helped us stay in business for so long and give them the credit and discounts they deserve. We’re putting the fun back into the words fat-free.”

Unsurprisingly many health and lifestyle advocates have condemned the club since the announcement and say that promoting unhealthy eating is reckless and ultimately damaging to those in the club. “It sends a terrible message and offers no vegetarian options on the discounted menu,” says Chef Craig Hoomaau, a certified nutritionist and transpersonal plating-arts instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa.

“Life is about balance and green vegetables, both of which are sorely lacking in these people’s lives. To celebrate the tainting of the spirit with buffets and piles of grilled meats is anathema to me. Instead of discounts, these people need phytonutrients and a thorough gastro-attunement to teach their cells to reject the evils of trans fats and embrace a complete tonal supplement regime. This celebration of excess needs to stop.”

“Instead of telling these people they need to change we should be celebrating their taste,” says Chop House owner Bob Abramo adding, “Trust me. These are the people you’d want to keep close in an emergency.”

“Almost as much as a piece of perfectly smoked pork, I appreciate excellence, and that’s what I see in the members of the Kahuna Club. These people are experts when it comes to finding and enjoying great meals. They say that mastery of an activity comes after 10,000 hours. I don’t know how many hours these Big Kahunas have spent eating but I can ensure you that they are enjoying at least 10,000 calories a day thanks in part to our club. Historically, these people used to be revered. This fascination with “healthy” eating has been a relatively new fad, and one I hope to chew up and spit out.

There are a lot of lightweights out there saying that joining the Kahuna Club is the same as fattening yourself up for slaughter. Not only is that incredibly offensive, but it’s just not medically true. We live in an amazing time where many of the diseases that once affected those living a food-forward lifestyle can be easily cured. Advanced stem cell therapy, tailored DNA technology, and cutting-edge tissue science allow us to live a completely meat-centric existence. These people aren’t misguided, they are at the bleeding edge of life. We want to help them get out there and devour everything the world has to offer.”

STORYLINE

Kokua Wellness Center Accused of Using Discarded Meat In Beauty Treatments

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Lahaina is in shock this morning after disturbing allegations were made last night involving the Kokua Wellness Center and some of their most popular beauty treatments. The exclusive spa is accused of using scrap meat and cutoffs from a number of local businesses in procedures, including the Abramo Chophouse, instead of the specialized stem cells and patented biological materials normally associated with high-end Newuskin treatments. Officials say they have confiscated hundreds of pounds of meat from the facility and are questioning staff about the claims. Newuskin says they are suspending all services at Kokua and are removing their machines until a full investigation is completed.

This is not the first time troubling allegations have been made against the Wellness Center involving Newuskin treatments. Two years ago, Kokua made headlines when a group broke into the facility intent on stealing materials they claimed were human remains. While that case raised many moral and spiritual questions about the nature of the spas treatments, these new claims raise significant issues regarding public safety.

The investigation comes hot on the heels of an anonymous complaint sent to the Health Department and local officials, as well as the entire client list of the center. It reads in part, “I had been working at the Abramo Chophouse for years when the scrap buckets appeared. Anyone who has cooked for a living knows about waste buckets. They’re supposed to make you waste less by looking at the pile of food at your feet at the end of the night, but these were different. We kept them in the cooler and they were always sealed. Also, they were only supposed to be for cutoffs, trimmings, and scraps…..just meat and nothing cooked…. We joked that Bob was planning on making a “Kamikaze Sausage” special like you’d do with mixing fountain soda as a kid but that wasn’t what was going on at all.

…I kept asking why we were bringing the buckets to the side entrance of the spa and finally I was told that they were using the scraps in their procedures because it was cheaper than buying what they needed from the company. Normally I’m not concerned about the problems of Lahaina’s rich and famous, but this was too much. Nobody deserves to have their face filled with gristle and rib scrapings….you all need to look into this.”

Kokua spokesperson Yvonne Masters says she finds the allegations troubling but adds that the public response has been even worse.

“We live in a time where accusations no matter how outlandish are believed. We are obviously dealing with disgruntled employees trying to lash out in any way they can. It is disturbing how fast something like this can snowball and it should scare every business owner in Lahaina. Of course, all of these allegations are untrue. It goes without saying that we are not infusing cheeseburgers into our clients to smooth out fine lines and wrinkles. The confiscated meat has been inspected and is used to extract the most bio-available zinc available for our exclusive line of holistic vitamins. The reaction to this troll’s unfounded allegations has left us all speechless and saddened.”

Public reactions have been mixed so far with many high-profile clients making statements supporting the spa and pointing out how outrageous the accusations are. Still, many see a reason for concern. Local resident and noted author Kevin Morrow says if proven true the spa has endangered the lives of not only its clients but the public in general.

“One common rule has been shared across all cultures since humans could etch their thoughts into clay tablets or paint them on a wall. Don’t eat each other! It seems simple enough but what if your neighbor or your boss were literally made of what you eat? Hunger is very powerful, perhaps the most powerful driving force in nature. Much of your hunger response is subconscious, there’s a reason bakeries direct the smell of baking bread to the front of the store. We’ve all heard stories about plane crash survivors or lost groups forced to eat each other to survive, and that is dirty exhausted people with almost no meat on their bones.

Now imagine plump healthy-looking individuals baking in the afternoon sun, filled with Bob’s Best Burger Blend. Maybe you’ve had too many Mai Tai’s and the smell of these meat treated people is slowly wafting into your nostrils making your mouth water. You think to yourself, “Well maybe just a toe, they won’t miss it that much.” That’s exactly how a cannibal uprising starts. All it takes is the right situation and one bad day. I don’t think people realize how close they are to being eaten by their peers. For the sake of Lahaina and its people I hope these allegations are untrue.”

STORYLINE

Fires Put the Future of Abramo “Meat and Greet” Program in Question

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The “Meat and Greet” program was supposed to offer Lahaina’s homebound a nutritious taste of the famous Abramo Chop House and a little companionship during the day. While the program launched with lots of fanfare and excitement about the unique Abramo mini grills, a number of complaints and mishaps have put the future of the program in question. Following a recent house fire, the third since its inception, the service has been temporarily halted awaiting a state review of safety practices.

There are thousands of food delivery programs serving millions across the country, but the Meat and Greet program promised to offer clients a unique experience by grilling their own meals. The service would deliver a specially made grill along with gel-flame heating cans, and a packaged meal to those unable to leave the home. For many, the program seemed like a perfect opportunity to enjoy a kind of meal unavailable in most home delivery programs, but many say the service is dangerous.

Critics contend that giving grills to people that don’t have the ability to leave the house is irresponsible. In addition, they say the heating cans are the cause of the three fires reported. Although nobody has been seriously hurt so far, the last fire destroyed the entire living room of a client’s home before it was extinguished. The State has ordered a stop to the program while a safety investigation is completed.

Despite the concerns, Brandi Essen, operations manager for Abramo Holdings LLC., says the program is perfectly safe and a great option for those who want to “spice up” their food options while being homebound. “Our goal was to offer our friends and neighbors, who have found themselves forced to stay at home due to age or illness, something other than the usual styrofoam cup of soup and stale sandwich wrapped in plastic. Our trained staff deliver the specially made Abramo mini-grills and a week’s worth of fuel on the first visit. We are careful to thoroughly go over all safety protocols and safe food handling practices. Staff never leaves until they are sure our clients have all the necessary tools to assemble their grills. After the initial setup, clients will experience the best meals we have to offer daily. We provide a variety of our artisanal Abramo sausages, juicy burgers from Bob’s Perfect Burger Blend with choice of cheese, pork ribs with 4 delicious sauce options, and a pack of our homemade cracklins or our famous foie gras chips with every visit. There may be other food options for the elderly and sick, but when it comes to taste, we’re all alone.”

Despite Essen’s assurances a growing number of people have called into question the nutritional quality of the meals. The son of one of the program’s clients points out that the meals his mother received “…contained 110% of her recommended daily caloric intake, most of that from fat, and 150% of her daily sodium. They include packets of vitamins so they meet the minimum nutritional guidelines, it’s irresponsible. I’m surprised they don’t include cigars.”

Betsy Kaukau from the Hawaii State Department of Health says the fires and the nutritional concerns are just the tip of the iceberg. “I was shocked when I started looking into the program,” she says. “These fuel canisters have not been approved for direct use with food. In fact we’ve had numerous reports of fuel leaking onto meals, making them dangerous to eat. For many of these people, this is the only meal they will get in a day, and it is unreasonable to expect them to be able to properly cook it themselves. Many have become sick from improper ventilation and undercooked pork products. I believe the fires may be one of the safest aspects of the Meat and Greet service.”

Founder Bob Abramo vehemently denies that the program is unsafe, and says that the halt in service is a gross government overreach. “Since the dawn of time people have felt the need to apply fire to meat. We just want to help people who might have thought that they’d never get a chance to BBQ at home again, a chance to taste flame charred goodness.” He adds, “I keep hearing that our fuel is dangerous, or our food is dangerous, but lots of things can be dangerous. I don’t think that we should put these people in little pens for protection. These were free range people, and we feel this is a great way to help them have a taste of freedom again. I care about our customers breakfast, lunch, and dinner, not just around election time like these career politicians and government employees. The truth is we may be serving some their last meal, and I think they deserve something meaty and juicy. I believe the elderly of Lahaina have been aged to perfection and deserve the joy only fire and choice cuts of meat can provide.”

STORYLINE

Abramo “Meat Wagons” Serve Up Food and Controversy

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With torrential rains in the forecast for the rest of the week, and the unusually high king tides, the flooding that has submerged much of Maui is likely to continue for days to come. Hundreds of first responders and relief volunteers have been working hard to find those trapped or injured and distribute clean water, clothing, and medicine. Dozens of emergency food stations and mobile kitchens have followed to provide warm meals to victims and rescuers alike. Bob Abramo’s “Meat Wagons” are among the most popular, offering a variety of delicious meat based items and pre-packaged shredded pork dinners. While they’re a hit with flood victims and workers alike, many other food truck owners and emergency meal providers say that Abramo employees are spreading rumors and vandalizing their property. Some even accuse Abramo himself of using his government connections to interfere with their efforts and business.

In the past 72 hours, Kahului has seen over 30” of rain, almost twice the average annual rainfall. Coupled with a remarkably high tidal surge, the storms have flooded the area, causing hundreds of millions in damages and leaving an estimated 30,000+ without homes. Officials say that Kahului will likely be declared a disaster area, and the damage is already worse than the devastation that hurricane Neki left behind in 2047. Worse still, forecasters are predicting another foot of rain before it’s all over. For most, the only small respite in their day is a warm meal, and many are doing their best to provide those meals. One of the most preferred choices are the “Meat Wagons,” mobile extensions of the famous Abramo Chop House.

While they are a hit with flood victims, many other meal providers have lodged complaints over the trucks and Abramo himself. Harvey Poua, owner of a popular local sushi shop, says Abramo employees have been harassing his workers and spreading rumors about tainted fish. “They’re acting like bullies,” he says. “They’ll stand in line and talk about how our fish hasn’t been properly stored and how sick people have gotten eating it, then hand out directions to the nearest Meat Wagon. I’ve heard stories that they’ve actually blocked other food trucks in, keeping them from going where they need to go. I made an official complaint yesterday and this morning our trailer was mysteriously tampered with. I showed up with the day’s fish to find that someone had cut our condenser lines, so all the coolers were warm. A few minutes later a health inspector shows up for a surprise inspection, and now we’re closed down until I can prove our coolers are working again. This isn’t a game, I’m trying to feed people who just lost everything! From what I hear, I’m not the only food provider who’s found their property vandalized.”

Lahaina fixture and owner of the award winning Hula Noodle restaurant Ralph Umeke says he’s been the victim of tire slashing himself since arriving with his “Mobile Malasada” truck. “Bob actually called me and tried to talk me out of driving the truck to Kahului. He said, ‘There are already too many people trying to get a piece of the relief pie, and I like big slices of pie, Ralph.’ I explained that I just wanted to help out, since a lot of those people helped us after hurricane Neki, but he wouldn’t hear it and hung up on me. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but less than 24 hours later I found my tires slashed and one of the Meat Wagon drivers told me that, ‘Mr. Abramo thinks you should go home.’ What’s going on here is crazy. I don’t know what he’s thinking.”

For his part, Mr. Abramo denies that he, or any of hs employees, have broken any laws, but he admits to having a “competitive spirit” when it comes to his relief work. He says, “No matter what I get involved in, I like to win,” adding. “I’m going big in Kahului so all the others should just go home.” When pressed about the accusations of vandalism, threats, and surprise inspections Abramo said,

“You have to remember that things are in upheaval over there, and with chaos comes crime, I’m just thankful that none of my vehicles have been vandalised yet. Make no mistake, the relief business is still a business, and there’s going to be winners and losers. I’m not a loser. I think before this is all over, my Meat Wagons will have the highest customer satisfaction ratings and will have served more meals than any of those reheated tragedy-dinner peddlers. The truth of the matter is that one person is squealing the loudest right now, Poua. Harvey is just upset that his so called healthy meals lack the fats needed to keep people warm and energized through a long day of rescue work. After a hard day, your typical relief worker wants to bite into a big chunk of perfectly cooked meat and wipe the juices off their face, not nibble on a tiny piece of questionable fish. If I was Harvey I’d worry more about offering a proper portion size than what my competition may, or may not be doing.”

Mr Abramo had equally harsh words for Mr. Umeke and bristled at the idea that anyone involved with his business threatened the Hula Noodle owner.

“As far as Ralph Umeke goes, I’ve heard good things about his noodle shop, although it’s not really my thing. I’m sure there’s plenty of people who find boiling water and opening a seasoning pack too much trouble, but I’m not one of them. I was surprised to learn that he drove his Malasada truck to the area, but I don’t really consider him a serious competitor. His pastries may be edible, but they’re just empty calories. The Meat Wagons offer a variety of desserts that are both delicious and give you energy throughout the day. Our chocolate marrow cake, pork belly donuts, and foie gras bread pudding are much better choices for survivors than what Umeke is offering. I’m sorry that not everyone has the same hunger that I do. I also apologize that a few of our trucks may have blocked others due to unfortunate breakdowns, but I don’t regret trying to become the best food relief provider in Maui. Every disaster needs a winner and I intend on winning through taste, portion size, and gobbling up the competition.”

STORYLINE

Wedding Annoucements: Brandi Essen and Thomas Mencken

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Brandi Essen and Thomas J. Mencken were married on Friday, Jan. 8, 2049 at the beautiful Lahaina Mission. Following the wedding, Brandi and Thomas’ reception at Robert Abramo’s Chophouse on Aloha Shores was attended by more than 300 friends, family, and customers. Specially raised suckling piglets were served at each table to help celebrate the island’s most highly anticipated nuptials.

Brandi is the daughter of Robert Abramo and Susan Essen-Abramo of Lahaina.

Brandi was accompanied by her sisters and maids of honor, Olive and Brie Essen. Rosemary “Gravy” Abramo, who is 94 years young and Brandi’s paternal grandmother, was the honorary matron of honor. During the ceremony “Gravy” gave a speech recounting Brandi’s early interest in encased meats, telling those assembled of Brandi’s love of a toy hotdog named “Frank”. She told the giggling crowd that, “She loved that thing so much that we joked she’d get married with Frank in her pocket. I’m happy to say that I was wrong, and a little ashamed to admit that I checked just in case.”

The bridesmaids were Saffron Todd and Clementine Bergeron.

Thomas is the son of Douglas and Becky Mencken of Baltimore. He was accompanied by his two brothers and best men, Finn and Jim Mencken.

The groomsmen were his childhood best friends Sam Leco, Sidney Hammond and Mark Leco.
During the wedding, Nori Cavanagh, Brandi’s aunt, and Polly Philbin, Thomas’s older sister, recited prayers and sang. Madeleine McCutchan, Brandi’s godmother, and Joe Mencken, Thomas’s godfather, presented the couple with a rare Iberian “Manchado de Jabugo” ham. Amy Philbin and Mr. Sprinkles, Thomas’s niece and Brandi’s pet pot-bellied pig, were the flower girl and ring bearer.

Brandi is a graduate of Lahaina High School, Class of 2029, and attended the Culinary Institute of America. She holds a masters carving license from the Abramo Butchery Academy and is the operations manager for Abramo Holdings LLC.

Thomas graduated from Baltimore Polytechnic, Class of 2005, and studied evolutionary biology at Johns Hopkins University. He is an associate professor of regulatory food sciences at the University of Maryland, currently on extended sabbatical.

Brandi and Thomas share a lot in common other than their love of industrial-sized freezers. They officially started dating after meeting more than three years ago at the grand opening of Lahaina’s Big Bites store. Thomas plans on moving to Lahaina within the year. Brandi plans on taking some time off to write a book on various knife sharpening techniques.

The bride’s specially made purple allium and crackling bouquet was caught and quickly consumed by her grandmother Gravy. In lieu of flowers, the Chophouse was decorated with a variety of edible arrangements and meat platters. They were enjoyed by guests and customers throughout the event.

The groom’s best men and family chose not to deliver a speech during the reception, instead Brandi’s stepfather Bob Abramo spoke for both families. He told those assembled that he never imagined meeting someone who shared his passion for meat, so he “decided to raise one.” He thanked all the guests and provided everyone attending a year-long pass to the Lahaina Zipline Tours. Raising a toast to the new couples happiness, Bob warned Thomas in jest that he had, “A special meat grinder in the back of the kitchen for men who break my little girl’s heart.”

Brandi and Thomas currently reside in Lahaina with their pig, Mr. Sprinkles. They both love traveling and plan on enjoying their honeymoon, sampling buffets from around the world.

STORYLINE

Saying Goodbye to Mr. Sprinkles

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All of Tanager Lane is heartbroken this morning. Like many of you, I am still reeling from the fire this weekend. Mrs. Nebbits has been a fixture in the neighborhood even before my ascension to HOA president. For almost 20 years the neighborhood children had a grandmotherly figure to turn to when they needed homemade cookies, or advice and a smile. Her pet pig Mr. Sprinkles was an important part of their lives as well. While Kathy and I didn’t always see things eye to eye, I tried to help her as much as I could and point out problems when I saw them. I just wish I had been more forceful in suggesting that she fix her faulty wiring and stop using so many candles. I dropped by the night of the fire but she was already asleep with Sprinkles curled up at her feet. It’s hard to believe that just a few hours later the flames would change everything.

Mr. Sprinkles’ rise to fame began 11 years ago when he broke out of his house to alert the neighbors that Mrs. Nebbits was hurt. When the paramedics finally forced open the door, they found Kathy at the bottom of the stairs unconscious and lying in a pool of blood. She had a concussion and 26 stitches in her head but she was alive. Who knows what might have happened if Mr. Sprinkles hadn’t gone for help. All of Lahaina was talking about the hero pig of Tanager Lane.

Never one to rest on her laurels, Kathy took this new found fame and she turned it into an opportunity to give back. Her and her pot-bellied partner became a weekly fixture at Molokai General. The sparkling little pig was a favorite of many patients, especially the children. Sprinkles seemed to know who needed a good laugh and who needed to be comforted with a glittery head in their lap and an encouraging oink. The pair touched and literally saved lives with their therapy work. But as the old cliche goes, sometimes bad things happen to good people. According to fire investigator Dan Kukulu, the fire started near her chair where I saw her sleeping that night. He’s unsure if the cause was one of her candles or some faulty electrical work. Whatever the point of ignition, the fire has solved one long-standing problem for me, Mr. Sprinkles.

I know many of you considered him to be the unofficial mascot of Tanager Lane, and that’s the problem. He’s unofficial. You see, even though many of you consider Mr. Sprinkles a scintillating extended family member, he is, in fact, a pig. As such, he is not allowed to be kept inside the preservation zone. The only reason he was allowed to stay with Kathy was that he was here before the rules were put in place and she sued. His exemption burned up in that fire with everything else.

Having no family of her own, it was Mrs. Nebbits’ wish that we collectively take care of Sprinkles until the end of his days. Many of you may think this puts me in a difficult situation, but nothing could be further from the truth. The decision is quite easy actually, because there’s nothing to decide. The rules are quite clear. The pig must go!

I plan on using this unfortunate situation as a teaching opportunity for my kids. If Mrs. Kline had simply followed the rules right away and not sought out a loophole to defy the new law and my authority, this wouldn’t be happening. I’m sure many have wonderful memories of walking the little pig after Kathy got too sick to do it herself. Whenever they think back to those days with a heaviness in their hearts, they’ll remember the importance of guidelines. Following the rules is more important than following your heart. Rules are consistent and forever. Those of you raising your children in single family homes have already taught them that love is fleeting at best, but for the rest of you, this is a great opportunity to teach that lesson.

“But pigs are among the smartest animals on the planet. They can pass the ‘mirror self-recognition test’. That puts them in the same category with chimpanzees, dolphins, and elephants. He knows us,” you might say. Well, if he really is that smart I’m sure he’ll understand that his owner did the wrong thing. The last time I checked, being able to recognize yourself in a mirror does not give you the right to live in Tanager Lane. Besides, for all we know Mr. Sprinkles could have started that fire. Besides me, the pig was the last to see Mrs. Nebbits alive.

“Kathy just spent over $10 thousand on Tailored Cellular Optimization (TCO) treatments. He’s so sparkly now that he shines in the sun. He’s completely rejuvenated and has another 20 years in him at least. Besides, it’s almost Christmas. Can’t we bend the rules just a little one time for such an important member of the community?,” you ask. The answer is a resounding, NO!

As far as I’m concerned we should use Sprinkles new upgrades to our advantage. I was discussing the pig problem at the mayor’s office when Bob Abramo overheard my conversation and offered to help. While I’m not usually one to reward eavesdropping, there was something about the gleam in Mr. Abramo’s eye when we talked about the glittery little pig that caught my attention. He is very interested in Mr. Sprinkles and has offered quite a generous price. He assures me that he has big plans for our sweet little pig.

Out of respect for the connections some of you have with this prohibited animal and the upcoming Christmas holiday, I’m willing to let Mr. Sprinkles stay for a couple more days so you can say your goodbyes. Mr. Abramo only asks that you keep Mr. Sprinkles activity down to a minimum and that we start him on a sweet potato and apple only diet. He seems to know a lot about pigs and tells me that this naturally sugar rich diet is good for his muscles and overall quality. If you need any tips on how to talk to your children about this uncomfortable situation feel free to ask. As you all know, I’m exceedingly good at communication and interpersonal skills. I never thought I’d see this day but here it is. That little pig is about to fly. Mr. Sprinkles had an amazing life and story, but every story comes to an end. Tanager Lane is finally on the brink of achieving total compliance with preservation zone rules, and I intend to hold us to this high standard.

STORYLINE

Announcing The Lahaina Zipline Tours Big Reopening

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For almost 18 years The Lahaina Zipline Tours was one of the most popular attractions on the island for both residents and tourists. Our 4 lines offered a unique view of parts of downtown, the beach, and Lahaina’s beautiful wild places. Over 150,000 people took a scenic trip down our lines in 2047 before hurricane Neki put an end to the rides and devastated much of the island.

Like many other hotspots, we’ve been busy rebuilding and we’re almost ready to show off our new tours. Things are about to get bigger and better at The Lahaina Zipline Tours thanks to our new owner, Big Bob Abramo. He’s already well known for his award winning chop house, but his vision for the ziplines will amaze you. We’re announcing our grand reopening next Friday, july 10th. Come on down, and see our expanded lines and learn about our unique new offerings sure to be big fun for the whole family.

Bob doesn’t believe that our liners should have to rely on gravity alone so we’ve completely upgraded our technology. Our all new bidirectional lines and motorized trolleys allow guests to slow things down to get a good look at the world below, or break free from the limits of traditional ziplining. Guests can experience speeds of up to 70 mph on a number of our longer runs. (Goggles can be purchased at the gift shop.)

We have expanded the reach of our original lines as well. Now you can pass over nearly all of Lahaina. Take a romantic zip down the beach or get your adrenaline flowing by passing over an active lava field. Stop using your legs like a sucker and let us do all the work. Big Bob’s web of lines offers zip lovers miles of fun and a complete view of the area without the drudgery and hassle of walking. Our new automated quick exchange system lets you quickly move from run to run without ever having to touch the ground. Our entire loop offers almost an hour of zipping fun. While these technical upgrades are exciting enough, it’s our big new programs that will have everyone talking.

Take a direct line to dinner with our express run to the Abramo Chop House. Whether you’re picking out an animal to eat for an upcoming birthday, or just want to take a big bite from something off the grill, the Chop House has something to appease even the most voracious appetite. Check out 10 feet of the world’s best pork on our famous Long Pig Buffet, or enjoy one of our delicious bacon infused cocktails. Our menu is all organic and is specially designed to accommodate a wide variety of carnivorous tastes. We strive to use locally-raised organic meats as much as possible.

You’ve flown like the birds and now it’s time to sing like them with Big Bob’s nightly karaoke. When the sun goes down our ziplines glow purple and the magic begins. Our host Bouncing Brandi keeps the music and fun going nightly until 4am. Use your ceremplant to join one of our public networks or pay a little extra for your own private virtual room. Let your voice be carried on the wind or belt out a power ballad to everyone below.

Our big collection includes close to 500,000 songs in 6 different languages, so if we don’t have it, it’s not worth singing. In addition, all of our midnight crooners have a chance to broadcast their performances thanks to our partnership with Glimpsea. Take advantage of their nanocam technology to show your family, friends, and anyone in the broadcast area what they’re missing. Due to a request from the Lahaina police department, we encourage our guests to refrain from loud singing after midnight when passing over residential areas.

If you liked it before, you’ll love it now. Nobody knows the sweet taste of recreation like Big Bob Abramo. With the grand opening a little over a week away, spots are going to fill up fast so make your reservations today. Go big and go to the new home of island fun: The Lahaina Zipline Tours.

STORYLINE

Maui Councilman Embroiled in Trash Scandal

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To say that I was stunned by the news this morning is an understatement. Hearing that for the past few months our trash has been traveling to parts unknown because you’ve made a deal with a company that hasn’t been properly vetted is unacceptable. I’m trying very hard to believe that you were ignorant of the details, but that pill is getting harder to swallow by the minute. You’re just lucky that Veilcorp hasn’t weighed in yet. I can promise you that they will not be happy if you drag them into this mess. If my office is going to stay ahead of this thing I need you to start coming up with answers, because I have a lot of questions and the people need to believe that they can trust their mayor.

When you became chairman of The Solid Waste Resource Advisory Committee I had heard that you had a reputation of cutting corners. I had no idea how deep you were willing to cut. You’ve single-handedly thrown away all the goodwill we gained in the past 6 months. We are rebuilding Lahaina and the trust of its people. We survived hurricane Neki but I’m not sure we’ll make it through this unnatural disaster.

What were you thinking? I understand that there was a lot of refuse that needed to be disposed of after the storm, but you can’t possibly have thought that veiling tons of trash to war-torn areas was going to receive massive public support. Please don’t try and convince me that you weren’t even a little concerned about where the garbage was going. I’m having a hard time believing you didn’t know that you were selling it to one of those recycling cartels after seeing their bid was a third of the next highest. To be honest, the fact that you did it under my nose tells me almost everything I need to know.

I’m sure you know what these cartels do. They force people with no other options to sort through mountains of muck to find the more valuable pieces of filth. These people are involved in some really dark stuff. At some point you must have watched or read a report about the kinds of things these groups are bankrolling. Almost as bad, many of these groups end up dumping the trash they can’t use offshore or just leave it and move on to another area. It’s a human rights and ecological disaster. I had no plans to run a reelection commercial featuring war orphans shouting with joy because they found a bit of copper in a barrel of garbage, or a dolphin wearing a plastic “Lahaina Zipline Tours” bag like a vest.

You couldn’t have chosen a worse time. The people have been voting down waste to power plant proposals for over 40 years because they are very sensitive to environmental issues. Add to that all the recent concerns about Veilcorp’s Icarus project irradiating wildlife and causing sickness, and you a have a recipe for not just losing your job, but going to jail. I do not plan on going down with this ship because you found it convenient to punch garbage chutes into the hull. The political climate on these issues is very chilly and it seems like your plan was to wait until winter before forcing my office to march into a war.

I keep waiting for the Glimpsea guy to burst through the doors, point out the cameras, and tell me this is all some sort of sick joke. I need answers! I need to know what you knew and when you knew it. I want to know how these people contacted you and how long you’ve been talking. I’m sure law enforcement will be going through your financials. I don’t want to get anymore involved in this by asking about those specifics. Please, If anyone in my office worked with you on this catastrophe I want to hear about it now.

I’m going to keep this short and to the point. You just fed your political career a poison cookie, threw it off the top of a building and shot it multiple times on the way down. You better hope none of your mess splatters on me or my office. To be perfectly clear, you are fired immediately! I have appointed a local business man, Bob Abramo, as an emergency replacement. You have until noon to clean out your office, get your affairs in order, and turn over any relevant paperwork. I suggest that you leave the building before big Bob arrives.

STORYLINE

Kohole Mayoral Campaign Picks Up Steam Despite Growing Controversy

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Despite a series of questionable public appearances, and a laundry list of eyebrow raising statements, the Rodger “Rod” Kohole campaign for mayor continues to pick up steam against incumbent Albert Cravalho. Undeterred by the candidate’s comments about removing government protections from natural areas, and advocating the use of violence against his opponents at a campaign stop yesterday, the Kohole train continues to gain momentum. In fact, recent polls show Kohole pulling to within 5 points of Mayor Cravalho.

Rod Kohole’s rise as a political figure in Maui has been an unorthodox one, riddled with complaints and allegations. After his forced retirement as a justice of the Hawaiian Supreme Court at the age of 70, Kohole moved to Maui and began a number of agricultural and energy businesses. However, Rod couldn’t stay out of politics for long, and within a year he had formed the Foundation for Natural Law, a non-profit legal organization dedicated to fighting “government overreach” in all areas. The foundation represented a handful of geothermal drilling companies wishing to drill inside the preservation zone, but its first high-profile case was fighting an anti-foie gras initiative on behalf of one of Kohole’s farms. It was then that the opinions of the retired judge, and his unfiltered manner of speech began to grab headlines.

His followers say that they appreciate Kohole’s direct and rough manner, a departure from the usually laid back atmosphere that permeates everything, even the political arena, on Maui. His campaign slogan, “Let’s Ram Rod In the Mayor’s Office!” seems to perfectly represent his campaign so far: unorthodox, controversial, and aggressive. Many expressed concerns after he was asked about the problem of the working poor in Maui and he answered: “I keep hearing about the poor and the working poor. I have to be honest, we didn’t have working poor when I was a kid. Do you know why? Because if you work hard enough in this great country, you’re not poor! You don’t have to be a genius to figure it out. It’s simple math. If you haven’t prepared yourself for adulthood or are just too lazy to get another job, then, I’m sorry, but that’s you’re problem, not mine. Nobody who has the gumption to work 80-100 hour weeks is poor. I’m gonna start slapping these assistance checks out of hands, and replacing them with shovels when I’m in office.”

“His rhetoric is dangerous and he is appealing to the worst parts of our nature,” says Ellen Pahili, spokesperson for the Mayor’s office. “Albert Cravalho has changed Maui for the better and offered the kind of mature, steady leadership that we need going forward. Like many of us, I check my newsfeed every morning to hear what outlandish thing Mr. Kohole has said next, but that isn’t leadership. That’s a spectacle. This is a man who when asked if any government regulations were needed at all, like protections for child labor, said: ‘No! We don’t need someone in an office on a hill somewhere telling us that kids shouldn’t have jobs. Having a job builds character. The truth of the matter is kids are just better at certain things that adults. Crawling into tunnels or exhaust tubes for cleaning, assembling electronics and garments, all those things that are easier to do with little bodies and little hands. I believe in giving children the right to work, especially children who aren’t college material.’ What more is there to say? Rodger Kohole’s day-to-day statements are our best advertisements. He is a dangerous and misguided man, unfit for office.”

The Kohole campaign counters that it is Cravalho who has put the public in danger through numerous controversial programs and decisions, and the terrible Veilcorp Luau bombing that claimed the lives of 10 people, including Tracy and Alohi Oeming, wife and daughter of Veilcop founder Eric Oeming. They say only Kohole has the courage to stand-up to the special interests, and protect the hard working people of Maui.

Kohole arrived at the Chop House yesterday riding a pig and brandishing a sidearm, much to the delight of his assembled fans who call themselves “Ramrods”. Kohole wasted no time in giving the crowd the kind of speech he has become famous for. “I just wanted to show everyone how I plan to ride the swine out of office. I brought this, [the gun] just in case the hog or my opponents had other ideas. I want the powers that be to know that we’re taking it all back by any means necessary. We’re going to drill wells for power, we’re going to harvest trees, we’re going to use the bounty that has been provided us, without worrying about what the scientists, and tree-huggers say. I promise that when elected the first thing I’m going to do is open some of these areas that have been designated as native lands. In my America you own land through hard work, not because your ancestors lost a fight. The days of participation trophies, big government, apologizing, and trigger warnings are over.”

Kimberly Hekili from The Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA), calls the prospect of Kohole in office a, “nightmare.” She contends that years of restoration and conservation projects would be undone, should the retired judge win the election. “All you have to do is look at other areas where thinking like this has prevailed. Kohole would have us strip mine the mountains, pollute streams in the pursuit of energy readily available in other cleaner methods, and hunt endangered animals into extinction. He even wants to strip protections from the Nene, our state bird, in order to use them to create a specialty foi gras market on the island. Electing Rodger Kohole would be an ecological disaster.”

The general election will be held November 8. Pundits say that despite being written off early in the primaries, the slow and steady growth of Kohole should worry Cravalho. They say his campaign mirrors some of the growth of the populist movements 30 years ago. With only a little over a month left until the election, both campaigns are sure to ramp over the next few weeks.