STORYLINE

Chop House Creates Club Offering Weight-Based Pricing

burger.jpg

Bob Abramo has never been one to shy away from controversy, but a new promotion at his world-famous Chop House has many raising their eyebrows and loosening their belts. The recently unveiled Kahuna Club offers customers weight-based pricing on all their meals ranging from discounted drinks to complimentary appetizers and even free entrees for the restaurant’s largest patrons. Health advocates claim that the program glorifies an unhealthy lifestyle and eating habits, while Abramo says he’s just trying to reward good customers and celebrate the joys of living a big life.

You might notice that more than just the portion sizes are getting bigger at Lahaina’s iconic Abramo Chop House these days thanks to the restaurant’s new Kahuna Club. Customers who join are measured and weighed to obtain their BMI and determine if they’re eligible. Four tiers offer various levels of benefits. A BMI of 30, considered to be the baseline for obesity, is the minimum required to join the club and provides a discount on all drinks. The Big Kahuna’s, those with a BMI of 60+, enjoy the top spot in the club and can enjoy a free meal every day.

Despite criticisms, the restaurant says the program has been a big success with bookings going up over 30% since the club was announced. “We’re bursting at the seams,” says Abramo Holdings Manager Brandi Essen. She claims that the club was created to reward a group of people who are rarely given the recognition they deserve.

“The more you weigh, the less you’ll pay. The Kahuna Club is our way of rewarding some of our biggest and best customers. More than most, Bob understands what it means to live large and we’re just trying to celebrate those who understand that food is one of life’s greatest pleasures. The Chop House has always been a judgement, vegetarian, and booth free environment. We commissioned custom club chairs made from local koa wood and the same carbon fiber technology used in Kalani Custom Boards. These seats can handle our biggest customers as well as a tsunami but we decided that wasn’t enough. We want to acknowledge those big eaters who’ve helped us stay in business for so long and give them the credit and discounts they deserve. We’re putting the fun back into the words fat-free.”

Unsurprisingly many health and lifestyle advocates have condemned the club since the announcement and say that promoting unhealthy eating is reckless and ultimately damaging to those in the club. “It sends a terrible message and offers no vegetarian options on the discounted menu,” says Chef Craig Hoomaau, a certified nutritionist and transpersonal plating-arts instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa.

“Life is about balance and green vegetables, both of which are sorely lacking in these people’s lives. To celebrate the tainting of the spirit with buffets and piles of grilled meats is anathema to me. Instead of discounts, these people need phytonutrients and a thorough gastro-attunement to teach their cells to reject the evils of trans fats and embrace a complete tonal supplement regime. This celebration of excess needs to stop.”

“Instead of telling these people they need to change we should be celebrating their taste,” says Chop House owner Bob Abramo adding, “Trust me. These are the people you’d want to keep close in an emergency.”

“Almost as much as a piece of perfectly smoked pork, I appreciate excellence, and that’s what I see in the members of the Kahuna Club. These people are experts when it comes to finding and enjoying great meals. They say that mastery of an activity comes after 10,000 hours. I don’t know how many hours these Big Kahunas have spent eating but I can ensure you that they are enjoying at least 10,000 calories a day thanks in part to our club. Historically, these people used to be revered. This fascination with “healthy” eating has been a relatively new fad, and one I hope to chew up and spit out.

There are a lot of lightweights out there saying that joining the Kahuna Club is the same as fattening yourself up for slaughter. Not only is that incredibly offensive, but it’s just not medically true. We live in an amazing time where many of the diseases that once affected those living a food-forward lifestyle can be easily cured. Advanced stem cell therapy, tailored DNA technology, and cutting-edge tissue science allow us to live a completely meat-centric existence. These people aren’t misguided, they are at the bleeding edge of life. We want to help them get out there and devour everything the world has to offer.”

STORYLINE

Plant-Based SSHAM Receives Mixed Reviews In Lahaina

seaweeed.jpg

The processed meat world was turned on its ear this week when SSHAM introduced its first completely plant-based formula, SSHANT. Despite rumors that the bright green loaf was a St. Patrick’s Day stunt, it appears the algae-based flavor is here to stay. While some are calling it the worst vegan-friendly food on the market, SSHAM fans are hailing the new variety as a great meal-time option. The company claims that SSHANT is “…a big first step in food sustainability and tastier plant-based mealtime options.”

SSHAM is probably the last thing on the average person’s mind when they’re planning a meatless Monday menu, but SSHAM CEO Art Pua’a hopes to change expectations. With an estimated 12 million Hawaiians eating at least one vegan meal a week Pua’a is hoping to break into the growing plant-based food market. SSHANT is the company’s first vegan variety and has been an unexpected hit with Lahaina consumers.

“It’s all about sustainability and locally sourced ingredients,” says Pua’a. On the heels of its “regional flavors” product line that saw such varieties as Pineapple SSHAM and the goat-based SSHOAT, the company is betting that SSHANT will be the cornerstone to a whole new group of eco-friendly products.

He says, “Trying to balance feeding a larger population while ensuring minimal environmental impact is a growing concern for us. How our food is produced and what types of food we’re eating can have a significant effect on the planet. Our goal is to have a can of SSHAM in every pantry around the world, and the only way we can do that is with SSHANT. Our revolutionary drying and pressing process combined with locally grown algae from Ananas Farms has allowed us to create the best tasting most sustainable plant-based food the world has ever seen. The future of canned food is SSHANT and we’re more than happy to give everyone a taste of what’s to come.”

Chef Craig Hoomaau, however, disagrees with the SSHAM CEO. The transpersonal plating instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center says that SSHANT is the worst vegan food he has ever come across calling it a “disaster in a can.”

“This wolf in plant’s clothing is devoid of all the things that make a plant-based diet healthy. The pure solar energy that fills most vegan foods is eclipsed in SSHANT with sodium, fillers, and artificial flavors. It is full of sugar, highly processed, and quite frankly has the consistency of hard gelatin. Obesity, heart disease, and diabetes are a huge public health concern that can be combated with a healthy plant-based diet and regular tonal cleansing. Instead of promoting cellular harmony, SSHANT will throw your immune system into chaos. This is not the beginning of a food revolution. The only thing revolutionary about SSHANT is how few nutrients make it through the canning process. I can’t warn the public strongly enough to stay away from this misleading and misguided product.”

One look at the nutritional information on the can does show that SSHANT is incredibly high in fat, sodium, and sugar for a product many consider a “health food”, but SSHAM fans don’t seem to mind. In fact, some consider it a selling point. Streamer and Lahaina resident Randy Wilcox says he likes that SSHANT doesn’t try to change the things that make SSHAM great.

“People don’t eat SSHAM because of how healthy it is. They eat it because it tastes great. SSHANT tastes so much like regular SSHAM that I couldn’t believe it. Like many Hawaiians, I’ve thought about making more plant-based food choices but I didn’t want to be associated with the kind of people who are always talking about how awesome not eating meat is. I mean nobody wants to be the dude who brings the kale salad to the Luau.

I understand that eating more plants and fewer animals might be better for the environment, but who wants to live in a world like that. Sheep are great but I don’t want to become one. Until I found SSHANT I never knew that eating vegan could be cool. I don’t worry at all what my friends will say if I show up someplace with my teeth stained green.

I work better on a high nitrate and sodium diet. It may be a little too gelatinous for my liking but the taste more than makes up for the texture. There aren’t a bunch of added vitamins and minerals to screw up the flavor, just a natural blend of algae, preservatives, and flavored binders. It tastes like science and the sea, not a handful of leaves. SSHANT is vegan food for people who don’t want to be vegans.”

STORYLINE

Kokua Wellness Center Strike Continues In Row Over Newuskin Expansion

spa1.jpg

For the past 7 years, The Kokua Wellness Center and Spa has been known as one of the world’s premier destinations for mindful relaxation and facilitated personal growth. Despite its reputation as a peaceful sanctuary for many of Lahaina’s elite, the center has been in turmoil recently. Many of the spa’s most popular instructors walked out in protest last Wednesday and say they have no plans on returning until their concerns are addressed.

Kokua is one of less than 50 facilities worldwide authorized to provide the wildly popular rejuvenating Newuskin treatments. The beauty treatments became an important part of the center’s business and integrated well with the spa’s other programs and offerings. Employees say that balance was upset at the beginning of this year when Vereserum, Newuskin’s parent company, sold the business to longtime rival Reparre Biologic.

According to the disgruntled instructors, Newuskin threatened to pull its machines from the facility unless Kokua devoted more space and promotional money to the Newuskin line of treatments. They say that many popular programs were curtailed or discontinued altogether, with the time and space filled by Newuskin products. For many, replacing the long-time manager Ascended Pali-ites Master Autumn with Notsuko, the Newuskin objective transformation intelligence network, was the last straw.

Autumn says,

“The Kokua that I loved and helped grow is not reflected in the contents or conscience of the people inside that building. Together, we manifested the world’s greatest holistic healing center. A place where you could learn about spiritual nutrition, alternative wellness, and have your chakras aligned through deliberate stretching techniques. However, we’ve become a glorified chop-shop where you can come in and get your outside stripped down and replaced, with little thought to cultivating any form of inner beauty or strength. I was alarmed when our Barraloha classes were cancelled but I was horrified when I was introduced to their AI program, Notsuko. I was informed that it would be taking over spa operations and that effectively immediately, we were going to end our astrological based billing and institute a predetermined pricing structure. When I asked Notsuko if it seriously thought that spiritually cleansing someone born under a fire sign was as easy as cleansing someone with a water sign, it said, “Yes”. I knew then that the inmates were running the asylum. If they think we are going to give up without a fight however, they are sadly mistaken. I think all of us are committed to fighting and focusing our energies on a better Kokua.”

Kokua management had no comment on the strike but people familiar with the issue say that they are considering all options. While not directly involved in the dispute at the wellness center, Reparre’s President Shawn Hastings has offered the use of Notsuko to all facilities providing Newuskin treatments. “While completely safe and reliable, the Newuskin process is incredibly complex, and in our opinion, best managed by our Notsuko technology. Look, the age of AI is here. In the past decade, we’ve seen many corporations use AI to streamline their business. All of Phxicom’s networks are overseen by Phxie, SSHAM’s customer service operations are handled by Shawn, and Veilcorp’s Valarie keeps operations running smoothly. Frankly, we are a little late to the party with the introduction of Notsuko. I understand that some may see it as a threat, but I assure you that our intentions are good. We only want to help support businesses offering Newuskin treatments, not push anybody out.”

According to Chef Craig Hoomaau nothing could be further from the truth.

“Despite what those wielding false power have said, I can vouch for the veracity of Autumn’s story. I’ve been teaching mindful chewing and purposeful swallowing strategies for over 15 years now. I developed one of the best transpersonal plating curriculums in the world and taught thousands to enjoy their meals beyond the limits of their five senses, but all of that didn’t matter to Kokua management and Notsuko. I was informed that my program was responsible for less than 3% of total revenue and was in danger of being cancelled. On top of that, they removed our kitchenette and spacious reflection area with vending machines and a small break area to make room for more Newuskin beds. Our kombucha dispenser is gone and I can no longer feed my fellow life guides nutritious organic, gluten-free, vegan delights. Instead, to save money, we have a machine filled with Manimal, chips, SSham bites, and other processed horrors. I don’t know when people decided that running a business was all about money, but we’re taking a stand at Kokua. We’ll show them that there’s more to living than the veil of modern life. We won’t be bullied into their malignant thinking and we will withhold our vital services until they start respecting the Aloha spirit and soul again.”

STORYLINE

Big Bites Stores To Offer Healthier Grab-and-Go Options

burger.jpg

New healthier options are on the shelves of every Big Bites store in Maui. The popular convenience store kicked off a partnership this week with the Department of Health’s “Healthy Hawaii” campaign. The initiative aims to give Hawaiians easier access to healthier food and beverage choices. Items that meet guidelines set by the department will be marked with a Healthy Hawaii label.

“One of the biggest hurdles for eating healthy is time. We’re all busy, running from place to place during the day, or trying to grab a bite 15 minutes before work. Usually, the only thing ready to eat that fast isn’t the best for you. Our goal, with the help of our partners, is to provide numerous fast, healthier options for busy Hawaiians,” says a Department of Health spokesperson.

Big Bites Operations Manager Brandi Essen says she is excited about the initiative. “Honestly, being able to create new foods and improve on old favorites is a lot of fun. When you couple that with helping people live healthier lives it’s a win-win situation.” Essen say that the stores will still “cater to carnivores,” allowing customers to grind their own sausage, and choose from the largest jerky and pickled meats selection anywhere on Maui, but now they will also have some healthier versions of customer favorites.

“We’ve tweaked the recipes to a number of items. Our energy mix now contains 30% less lardons, our foie gras chips are now fried in soybean oil, we’re offering a low sodium version of our famous candied corned beef bites, and we even have sugar free cracklin slushies to wash everything down. In addition, we’ve expanded the variety of items we wrap in bacon. We’re wrapping bacon around almost anything that grows now, to help our customers get all the fruits and vegetables they need during a busy day.”

Despite Essen’s enthusiasm not everyone is excited with the news that the Big Bites stores have been allowed to join the program. Chef Craig Hoomaau, a certified nutritionist and transpersonal plating-arts instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa, says the store’s products shouldn’t qualify for the program. “These items are in no way healthy. They are just healthier than the delivery systems of fat, salt, sugar, and preservatives that pass for the normal fare at the Big Bites stores. Unfortunately that’s all you need to qualify. I’ve made healthy living my life’s work. I was hired as a consultant when the government began this program last year so it’s very personal to me. Despite his reputation, Abramo doesn’t scare me. He knows that his food is dangerous and shouldn’t be included in the initiative. If I have any advice to people looking for healthy food in a Big Bites store it would be to run and keep running. Be active and make common sense food choices, like avoiding anything served at an Abramo business.”

Unsurprisingly, Big Bites owner Bob Abramo says that his products meet all guidelines for the program, and are in no way dangerous or unhealthy to eat. He says that he is simply offering nontraditional health foods to his customers and any complaints about his stores participation can be attributed to misunderstanding and jealousy .

“Hoomau is just upset that his classes are as empty as his plates, while I run the most successful meatery the island has ever seen. I will say that I am a bit surprised that he and his fellow grass drinkers had the energy to critique my business. It takes guts to take me on. Unfortunately for “Chef” Craig, I’m an expert in guts. I work with them everyday and I don’t mind getting my hands dirty. If Hoomau doesn’t want to find himself served up on a platter, he should focus on his own survival and not concern himself with my stores. I provide food for the top of the food chain, not for the things that run away. I suggest that Hoomau take his foamer, his plate brush, and his anemic ideas home before he bites off more than he can chew. There’s a pecking order on the island and Craig needs to understand that he’s been lucky so far. I didn’t know who he was until he started to squeal. Now that he’s put himself in my sights, it’s only a matter of time before I put him on my menu.”

STORYLINE

Spa Faces Backlash Over New Astrological Pricing

space.jpg

Lahaina’s Kokua Wellness Center and Spa is world renowned for its exclusive clientele, cutting-edge health services, and high-end beauty treatments, but a new pricing scheme has many long-time customers seeing red. The bastion of serenity has ruffled plenty of feathers recently with their introduction of an astrological pricing system. The price of many popular treatments can now cost up to 150% more depending on your birthday, and the time of the year you book your appointment. Many are accusing the famous spa of discrimination, while Kokua says they are simply adjusting prices to properly reflect the varying degree of difficulty in treating clients throughout the year and honoring their employee’s work.

Word of the new pricing system has spread quickly across the island, despite the lack of an official announcement from the spa. Opponents say that relaxing with West Maui’s rich and famous with the gorgeous wilds as a backdrop, is a dream for many, that will now never be realized thanks to the new program. The Mayor’s Office says they have received several official complaints and are looking into the matter to determine if any laws have been broken.

Kokua spokesperson Yvonne Masters says that astrological signs are not protected groups under the law. She contends that the new pricing model is not about making more money, but is simply a reflection of the difficulty in creating “stunning outcomes” for everyone at all times. “This is simply a way for us to keep our high standards and protect our beauty facilitators at the same time,” she says.

“Like many great ideas, the astrological pricing system wasn’t something thought up in a boardroom or accounting office, it grew naturally amongst our employees until it was ripe for implementation. It all started one day when it was unseasonably cold and rainy. A sort of malaise was spreading quickly through the spa, but we were powerless to identify the underlying cause all morning. By the afternoon, I knew we were facing a crisis. I ordered everyone to attend an emergency tonal therapy session to clear the fatigue and discover the cause of the funk that seemed to hang in the halls and treatment rooms. After a few role-playing exercises and an extensive review of the day’s survey cards, someone pointed out that all the customers that day were air signs.

It suddenly made perfect sense. The problem wasn’t us or the weather, it was the discordant vibrational energy of our customers. We might have been able to push through it if it was any other time of the year, but unfortunately, we have to take our clients as we find them. We all scrambled to cleanse the building and reset our centers, while I looked for the emergency amethyst. While we strive to give clients all the nurturing guidance we can, it became apparent that we needed to make significant changes to our monetary offering guidelines to properly reflect our efforts.”

Chef Craig Hoomaau, a certified nutritionist and transpersonal plating-arts instructor at Kokua, says he supports the spa’s decision even though he has had to cancel a class due to the backlash. “I’m proud to teach in a place that is so proactive in seeking unorthodox solutions to unconventional problems.” He adds, “There’s no doubt that we can use food and purposeful plating techniques to shape our mind and body, but there’s no denying that we are cast from a mold shaped by the time and place we were born. Everyone knows that an Aries can’t work harmoniously with a Cancer, so it’s not so strange to think that all healing is not achieved by the same level of effort.”

Most legal experts agree that there is nothing illegal about the new pricing scale, but wonder if the center can survive this latest round of bad press. “I understand that they can charge whatever they want, but they should have said something before my spa day began. What was supposed to be a relaxing afternoon turned into a nightmare,” says customer Shelby Pio.

“I had recently gone through a health scare experimenting with a beauty treatment that left my face partially paralyzed for a few weeks. To be honest, my hopes and dreams had drooped almost as low as the right side of my face. Then my husband gave me a spa day certificate to the Kokua Wellness Center. Normally I would have asked where he got the money for such a lavish gift, but I was so excited that I didn’t care. I wiped the tears from my left cheek and booked a time later that month. I had no idea what a mistake that was.

I was all done with my dermal peel, nail replacement, and eyelash thickening when they told me that the certificate didn’t cover my treatment because of my birthday. They wanted over $1000 more, and that didn’t even include the mandatory 20% gratuity. I couldn’t believe it and asked why I wasn’t told beforehand. I was told that the astrological pricing system was new so they didn’t have time to change all the printed information yet. When I said that it was unacceptable and wouldn’t pay the upcharge, they threatened to take back my nails and eyelashes. I had just spent the last month getting over the stares the palsy brought on, and couldn’t imagine going through all that again so I put the upcharge on my credit card. I’m no expert on the zodiac, but I can tell you that another trip to the Kokua Wellness Center isn’t in my stars.”

STORYLINE

Kokua Wellness Center To Offer Controversial Manimal Detox Program

spa2.jpg

The Kokua Wellness Center is world renowned for its high-end beauty treatments and exclusive clientele, but the spa has announced that they plan to depart from their usual services, and dip their toes into a controversial subject, Manimal detoxification. While most healthcare and addiction specialists claim that “Manimal addiction” is no more serious than having a penchant for coffee, many claim the Lahaina based energy drink company is pedaling a dangerous and potentially addictive product. They say over time Manimal can have serious detrimental health effects, and can cause severe withdrawal symptoms in those trying to give up the popular drink.

According to the Journal of the Hawaiian Medical Association, between 34 and 44 percent of young adults drink Manimal at least once a day. In addition, at least half of those polled say they consume between 4-6 cans daily. “That’s an irresponsible amount of caffeine, taurine, and other hazardous stimulants for a body to process,” says Chef Craig Hoomaau, a certified nutritionist and transpersonal plating-arts instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa.

“Kokua has always been about healing, and seeing so many of our neighbors trying to walk through their life’s journey burdened with the heavy weight of Manimal addiction, we knew we had to act. Unlike normal caffeine withdrawal which causes little more than headaches or an inability to concentrate, patients suffering from Manimal withdrawal often experience: uncontrollable muscle spasms similar to restless leg syndrome, dysphoria, an intense urge to run or jump, nausea and vomiting, a craving for carbonated beverages, heart palpitations, and a need to let out a primal scream. Severe cases can lead to liver failure, seizures, and psychotic episodes. We have developed an all natural way to cleanse the body of Manimal poisons. By boosting your own immune responses through tonal treatments, aural bathing, facilitated napping, and herbal replacement therapy, we are offering the first all natural Manimal detox program in the world.”

Hoomaau claims that over a dozen customers have signed up for the cleansing already, but health care professionals remain skeptical about the condition and the cure. Dr. Dalia Forsythe, director of the Lahiana Medical Center says, “We have no proof that Manimal addiction is anything other than an addiction to caffeine. Unfortunately, I believe Manimal is a victim of its own popularity in this case. We don’t hear about addiction to other energy drinks that contain similar ingredients. As far as a system to “detox” your body goes, well that is complete fantasy. The body already has its own complex purification system. No amount of bell ringing or basil chewing is going to remove more toxins from your body than your kidneys and liver. This is just the modern equivalent of the lemon juice and cayenne pepper cleanses that were so popular in the early 2000’s.”

However, some applaud Kokua’s new program and wish it had been available earlier. One of the most vocal Manimal critics in the addiction debate is 31-year-old Steven Nauwe. The dog walker and groomer made national headlines in the Spring of 2027 after his Manimal addiction led to multisystem organ failure. Nauwe was airlifted to The Queens Medical Center in Honolulu, where he would spend close to a month recovering.

“At the height of my problem I was drinking at least 20 cans a day. Almost dying was obviously terrible, but little did I know the worst was yet to come. Being without Manimal that first week in the hospital was horrendous. The doctors kept saying my discomfort was due to my system trying to restart itself, but deep down in my bones and my spleen, I knew it was the lack of Manimal. It had a hold on me like a wrestler, and I was almost down for the count. Kicking Manimal was the hardest thing I’ve ever done next to grooming the Driscol’s cats. I can’t express how grateful I am that Kokua has taken the issues of Manimal addiction seriously, and are offering a detox program to aid those suffering from withdrawal.”

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane acknowledges that long-time drinkers may experience headaches or minor irritability when going cold turkey, but says that the allegations of more serious effects are simply not true. “I’ve checked with the company doctors and lawyers and we all agree; These allegations are stupid! The biggest thing that should concern you if you stop drinking Manimal is your output. This is a high performance drink for high performance people. To avoid the mild headaches that some regular drinkers can experience, we suggest you taper down your intake before quitting. When your engines are burning hot you have to gradually cool them down, even forged steel can crack a bit if you cool it down too fast. As always, we encourage our customers to enjoy our drink in radical moderation. Other than that, it’s all good.”