STORYLINE

Dr. Dalia Forsythe Documents Progression of the Great Veil Pandemic

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October 27, 2050– It’s been exactly a month since the fracturing, and as strange as it may sound, I’m beginning to think of all this as normal. We’ve managed to get through those first few terrible days, and have scrounged what supplies we could from the urgent care facilities in the area. Maintenance has fixed the problems with the solar generator and we’ve been in continuous contact with a hospital in Seattle. As luck would have it, they have a Reppare Biologic epidemiologists onsite. They’ve had better luck with communications than us, and have had intermittent contact with others. It’s the same everywhere. Power grids and water supplies have been destroyed worldwide. Combined with the accompanying fires, widespread radiation, and severe weather effects caused by the accident, billions have died across the globe. As hard as it is to believe, we may be among the luckiest.

November 2, 2050– Had a young girl come in this morning with purple spots all over her body and an extremely high fever. We had a few patients with similar spots during the chaos last month, but haven’t seen anything like it since. All those patients died so I’m worried about her prognosis. I’m moving her to a different floor just in case it is contagious.

November 3, 2050– One of the nurses who brought the girl upstairs yesterday found a purple spot on her neck this morning, and we’ve had three more patients come in today. I’ve decided to change course and bring her back down. Everyone who is able to be moved is being relocated throughout the hospital. We’ll do triage outside under the awning from now on. I’m not sure what we’re dealing with. Like before, the Reparre machines don’t seem to recognize the patient’s DNA as human. I’ve instructed the staff to wear protective gear when dealing with them. Haven’t heard back from the epidemiologists yet.

November 10, 2050– We’re calling it Ube Fever after the purple yam. Victim’s first present with dark violet spots, high fever, and delirium. The skin thickens, cracks, and eventually sloughs off. Those who are lucky, die of organ failure before the cracking gets too bad. Those that don’t, scream for days, or until their voices give out. It’s happening everywhere. All but two nurses who had contact with the little girl last week have caught it. The girl didn’t make it. We have over 20 patients in various stages of the disease in the emergency room. Seattle had its first victim yesterday. I’ve sent them all the data we’ve collected, but it isn’t much.

November 11, 2050– I had an idea last night. We’ve turned the Newuskin machines back on and are scanning patients and collecting data even when the machine says it’s corrupted. Maybe someone smarter than me will find it useful. We had some success with one of our patients who had been in recently for a melanoma removal. We still had her data on record and were able to replace her thickened skin, but she is still suffering from the other symptoms of the disease.

November 12, 2050– Seattle confirmed what I feared. They say it has spread as far away as London and Singapore. Before the fracture, there was a lot of talk about 127 affecting wildlife and changing DNA. The element is mutating the bacteria at such a frightening speed that I don’t know how we’re going to stay ahead of it. We’re down to 5 staff members including me, and the hospital is packed with screaming patients. It’s background noise to me now, like the sound of the waves when you’re on the beach. I don’t know what we’re going to do with the bodies.

November 14, 2050– The epidemiologist hasn’t had much luck. They’ve tried a number of treatments and protocols without success. He estimates that by the end of the week Ube Fever will have sent 400 million into backup. I sent him my findings using the Newuskin machines. I think that if we had complete system data of everyone we might be able to make some progress. I’ve started running complete scans of everyone, even the few of us who haven’t caught the disease, just in case. The non-recyclable portions of the bodies have started to pile up. We’ve had people truck them to the lava floes for disposal.

November 16, 2050– He’s modified the estimate to 600 million lost worlwide. We aren’t even sure how many people are left. The screams have quieted down. The quiet is a result of all the deaths and not anything I’ve done medically for these people. Yesterday was the first day we didn’t have a new patient come in. This thing is running out of people to infect.

November 25, 2050– I haven’t been able to contact Seattle in over a week. Only a few patients are still alive and even the ones who might pull through won’t be able to lead normal lives. I’m not sure why I was never infected when everyone else was. I’d gladly let someone more knowledgeable take blood, tissue, or whatever else they needed. I don’t know if the Nuuskin procedures I shared worked for anyone else. For all I know there isn’t anyone else. I hope that there are others spared from infection like me, but it’s been days since I’ve seen anyone else in good health. I’m afraid that In a little less than a month the Ube Fever has managed to finish what the fracture started. I’m not sure what I’ll do when the last of them passes and it’s just me. It may be Thanksgiving but I’m having a hard time thinking of anything to be thankful for.

STORYLINE

Our Supplies are Low and I Don’t Think Help Is Coming

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Director Forsythe, as you requested, I’ve done an inventory of the hospital’s remaining supplies and it isn’t looking good. In the 72 hours since the accident, we have gone through all of the spray bandages, almost all of our hyposprays, and we only have about 2 days worth of gauze left if we are going to keep changing patient dressings on the current schedule. We are running low on antibiotics and someone has liberated most of the painkillers from the pharmacy. In addition, the Reparre kits have been acting up and the Newuskin booths have been equally finicky. I’m not sure how much longer we can make it, and the stories I’ve been hearing from the wounded don’t give me much hope. I think we need to have a sitdown with the remaining staff and decided our next course of action.

I still haven’t been able to make contact with anyone outside. I thought by now we would have heard something from the military, the Navy for sure, but nobody has seen or heard anything from the base. We saw a couple of fire trucks head towards the Veil Station right after the explosions but that’s it. We haven’t seen the police or any other emergency services since. After listening to what some of our patients have to say, I’m not sure if help is coming.

We have a severely burned Veilcorp employee who says that the backup system is in emergency shutdown with people caught mid-transit. That means that we might very well have another round of injured if and when the system is restored. I’m afraid that we will have to rely on what’s already here for a while. Their damn AI Valerie keeps sending messages through the emergency system to “Remain calm and find your nearest emergency shelter until help arrives.” but I haven’t been able to reach anyone there to confirm that the veil is down.

We’ve been having all sorts of technical trouble ourselves. In the last couple days, the Reparre boxes haven’t been able to recognize the DNA from several patients. We’ve noticed that it’s mostly people who were close to the station. I think the 127 might be doing something to them. We’ve been seeing lots of strange rashes and pockmarks. Stuff I’ve never seen before except in old pictures of people with smallpox. Others have developed extremely fast-growing cysts and tumors as well as neurological effects. They have uncontrollable muscle spasms before losing all control and succumbing to partial or total paralysis. Some of them scream for hours before passing out and we don’t have enough medication to sedate them. The handheld Reparre kits still seem to work fine, with their more generic stem-cell treatments, but they can’t handle some of the injuries that we are seeing down here.

The Newuskin booths have been glitchy with some of the injured too. We keep getting errors when we try and use them like the machines don’t recognize what they’ve scanned. We’re running so low on materials for them, that we’ve decided to shut them down until we can figure out what is going on. There’s also a serious problem with the electronic medical records not storing correctly.

We are completely overwhelmed. I don’t even know what is wrong with a third of the people here. I’ve never seen some of these symptoms and I can’t believe how fast they seem to progress. We had a woman who came in suffering from burns and a broken arm right after the accident. Yesterday, the skin on her entire body turned purple and sloughed off in an hour while she screamed. Even if I knew what that was, I don’t have the medicine or the technology I need to fix it. Just about the only thing left are aspirin and bandages. We’ll run out of those soon too.

I took an oath to help people and I take that oath seriously, but I think it’s time that we consider the possibility that help isn’t coming. Like you, I don’t live on the island. If the Veil Station is down we’re stranded here, but it’s a different story for the local employees. I must say their dedication has been amazing. I’ve told a number of them to go home but they all refused saying they want to stay and work until help comes or everyone gets to leave together. However, like everyone else, they are curious about what is going on out there, probably more so. We should put together a group to see how bad things are and give them an update. We have a few patients who were initially treated at The Mission before coming here. That might be a good place to start. I’ve also heard that there was a group of people holed up at the Aloha Shores condos just down the road. Maybe they’ve had better luck at contacting someone than we have.

There is a palpable shift in mood down here in the emergency room. Have you looked at the sky lately? I’ve never seen a sky like that and the rain was orange this morning. I’m not saying that we abandon the injured or our duty here, but we need to acknowledge the serious and unique nature of the situation we are in. I think an official effort to make contact with other survivors and gather information will go a long way. Making contact with the outside and assessing our situation will do a lot for morale. We owe it to these people who have decided to stay and care for their neighbors.

STORYLINE

Researcher Claims “Therapeutic” Ziplining Can Dislodge Kidney Stones, Cure Other Maladies

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Researchers from the University of Maui Lahaina College claim they have discovered a novel therapy for curing patients suffering from the horrendous pain of kidney stones, taking a trip down a zipline. Dr. Jennifer Aluna, who lead the study, says that her findings demonstrate that the jostling and constant vibrations experienced while traveling down a zipline can effectively dislodge kidney stones in some patients.

It’s been famously said that, “It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.” However, Dr. Aluna says that a sudden stop could provide many with almost instant relief from the excruciating pain associated with a stuck kidney stone. Partnering with Bob Abramo’s Lahaina Zipline Tours, Aluna has just completed the first phase of a study exploring the therapeutic applications of ziplining.

“We’re building on work done over thirty years ago, and was ignored for some reason. It was shown back then that riding a roller coasters proved to be an effective way to dislodge stones stuck in a patient’s kidneys. Our research proved that it wasn’t necessarily the large fast drops that was providing the most relief, but rather the jostling and rhythmic vibrations that helped work blockages free.

We chose to work with The Lahaina Zipline Tours because of their technology. Their bidirectional lines and motorized trolleys made the modifications we needed to make for the study easy, and of course the location was nice. We couldn’t be more happy with the results! We’ve shown that a trip down the modified line is just as effective as more invasive treatments, and much cheaper than more popular methods such as ultrasound. In addition, we’ve shown that regular therapeutic ziplining can reduce the chance of future blockages. Our next phase will look into other medical applications such as relieving gallstone attacks, joint and muscle therapy, and the alleviation of migraines.”

The idea that an exceptionally bumpy zipline ride could be the cure to a number of common maladies may seem strange to most, and according to director of the Lahaina Medical Center Dr. Dalia Forsythe, it should. “I’ve seen and heard a lot of strange home remedies in my day, most involving SSHAM, but this is a new one to me. From what I can tell from the study, all Dr. Aluna has shown is that jostling can help dislodge a kidney stone in some patients. I’m not sure what the ziplines have to do with it. It seems to me any of these patients would experience the same level of relief from sitting on top of a washing machine, or riding down a washboarded road. I wouldn’t be so concerned if it weren’t for this talk about gall bladder treatments and physical therapy applications. A stuck gall stone can lead to potentially deadly pancreatitis, a patient who has just gone through a joint replacement could do permanent harm by being tossed around midair. To be honest, I’m concerned about the wellbeing of the subjects in this study.”

Bob Abramo, owner of the Lahaina Zipline Tours, says he believes in Dr. Alunas work, but is not surprised about some of the reactions the study has garnered. “Anytime you bring a new dish to the table you’re going to have a few people turn up their nose, but that doesn’t mean what you’ve made isn’t delicious,” he says.

Abramo says that the success of his Medimeat business, providing patients with the finest free-range organic medial tissues, has been a huge inspiration. He says he was initially skeptical about working with anyone from the university, but after their first meeting, he was eager to allow his business to take part.

“Working with Aluna was as delightful as a free appetizer, we hit it off right away. I was skeptical about how much work we’d need to make to our trolleys, after all you should never change a good recipe, but it turned out to be easy as pie. All we needed to do is take a file to a few bearings so it rattled around a little more than usual, and boom! Science was served. We’re working on special custom mouthpieces to help people suffering from toothaches too. Why pay a dentist to pull a tooth, when we can numb you up and rattle the offending tooth out of your head?

I love the idea of repurposing things, whether it be in the kitchen or strapping into a harness and letting a rumbling zipline strengthen a freshly replaced knee joint. We hope to offer these therapeutic rides to the general public in the near future, and I’m considering converting some of my condos into pop-up private surgical centers for those in need of quick discreet procedures. When it comes to Maui Medicine it’s a whole new day, and you better believe Bob Abramo will be sitting at the head of the breakfast table.“

STORYLINE

Duracave Donates Triage Tents To Help Treat Hurricane Victims

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The fallout from hurricane Neki, which made landfall early Saturday morning, will be felt for years in West Maui, but many who were injured in the storm are feeling the aloha spirit today thanks to Duracave. The company best known for high-end survival gear and portable power supplies has donated several mobile triage tents to the Lahaina Medical Center to help house and treat victims of the hurricane. Thousands of are homeless this morning and hundreds are injured from the wrath of Neki.

Nearly 400 area residents are injured filling local medical facilities well beyond capacity. That number is expected to grow substantially as rescue teams comb through the rubble. While many companies like Veilcorp and Manimal are providing shelter and energy drinks to survivors, Duracave’s donation solves a logistical nightmare for medical personnel working in Lahaina.

“When we saw all the victims left in Neki’s wake we knew we had to do something,” says Duracave CEO Barret Stone. “Duracave is about providing the tools necessary to survive and thrive in the worst conditions nature and political cabals can throw at you. Neki was bad but we’re better.”

“Not all tents are created equal. Our Liberator Modular Tenting System is the most advanced and most secure shelter devised by mankind. Resilient to extreme heat and cold, able to withstand hurricane force winds, and monsoon rains our ultra-tarp material can even keep out many first generation nerve agents. Paired with one of our innovative generators and featuring a negative pressure environment, the Liberator makes the perfect triage environment for you and a buddy, or a whole platoon. It keeps the smell of war and contagions in and any worries out. I use a mid-sized Liberator system as a mobile abattoir on my ranch. Believe me, if it can keep the smell of a 12 ton gut pile from getting out it can contain any disease.”

“The tents were a godsend,” says Director Dalia Forsythe. The Lahaina Medical Center has been hit especially hard. With supplies and personnel already stretched thin the facility simply didn’t have space for all the sick and injured. “We were treating people in supply closets,” she adds.

“Without these tents we would have lost lives. It’s that simple. This morning there was an explosion that injured dozens of rescue workers and may have exposed them to 127 and other toxic materials. Luckily, we now have the room to keep them quarantined until we know what they were exposed to. I’m not the kind of person who would usually talk highly of Duracave and their well-shared political views but they really came through as a company. There is no doubt that they helped us save lives. The hurricane has caused a lot of struggles but I’m amazed at how quickly everyone has come together to help. It makes me proud of my Hawaiian neighbors.”

Not everyone is singing the praises of Duracave however. Despite Forsythe’s admiration for the company, one Lahaina resident calls the tents an eyesore. Elizabeth Stonegate, President of the Tanager Lane Homeowners Association, worries that the tents will discourage new people from moving to the area. “We’re really missing a great opportunity to rebuild a more sophisticated Lahaina,” she says.

“I realize that Neki hurt a lot of people and my heart goes out to them but the truth of the matter is that Mother Nature has offered us a great opportunity. Many of the homes that were destroyed were older traditional dwellings. The kind of places they call “quaint” in real estate listings. We all know what quaint means, and how quaint doesn’t raise property values. Lahaina has changed a lot in the past decade. It’s growing into a beautiful modern city and Neki has helped clean up some of our problematic areas. Since many of those people won’t be able to afford to rebuild even with insurance money we should be courting a more financially secure class of people.

There is nothing about 4 giant sized medical tents that says, “come spend millions of dollars building a new home here.” It looks like something out of a horror movie. The whole reason a hospital has walls is so that you don’t have to be reminded of the sick. I feel terrible that people who chose not to take proper shelter were hurt by their actions but why should their bad choices impact my property values? While everyone is digging through rubble and putting up sci-fi plague tents, I’ve made sure all tree limbs and debris has been picked up in Tanager Lane. We have an unprecedented chance to reshape a more sophisticated Lahaina, let’s do all we can to make it happen and get rid of the tents before it’s too late.”

STORYLINE

Escaped Therapy Animals Cause Temporary Lockdown At Lahaina Medical Center

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The Lahaina Medical Center was on lockdown this morning, and sections remained closed for several hours, as DLNR officials and wildlife experts worked to capture numerous escaped animals. Those familiar with the case say a patient accidentally released the wild animals, including an adult wolf, from their carriers letting them run free throughout the facility. Hospital officials say patients were never in any danger, and all the animals have been recovered without major incident.

Brandon Kama, a part-time DLNR ranger, says that when he started “Creature Comfort” he was inspired by two things: “The great wolf rehabilitation work done by the Hahai Ranch, and Mr. Sprinkles, Lahaina’s most famous therapy pig.” Kama says, “Patients of all ages love visits from the sparkly little pig. Like many animals, Mr. Sprinkles seems to know who needs to have their spirits lifted, and who needs some extra comfort and reassurance. I looked at that kind of unorthodox therapy animal, and thought about how the people at the Hahai Ranch were rehabbing wolves and giving them a second chance, even letting some of them work with people on hunts. I just knew that I needed to combine the two. I thought that if I could use rehabbed wildlife to encourage sick and injured people, both would benefit. That was the idea behind Creature Comfort.”

Brandon says his organization has rescued hundreds of animals over the past three years, including many non-native species including: large birds, rabbits, foxes, squirrels, opossums, and raccoons. “Basically anything that can get hit by a car on the mainland. Veil transport has really opened up the possibilities for wildlife rehab. You can have a facility almost anywhere now.” Kama says. Creature Comfort rehabilitates the injured and returns them to the wild if possible. If an animal is deemed incapable of release, the organization works on socializing it for use in its hospital therapy program. “Patients like seeing and learning about wildlife that they might not normally encounter. It’s an amazing program, with a great track record,” he says. However, things didn’t go quite as planned this morning.

According to an anonymous employee, the trouble started when Kama and his employees left a lounge used as a holding area for the animals unattended for a safety briefing with staff. The employee says, “From what we’ve been able to piece together, a heavily medicated patient walked past the lounge with his grandchildren and noticed the animals. We’re still not sure why, but he decided that the animals needed to be freed. Dozens of rabbits and squirrels, a handful of raccoons, and an older wolf on loan from the Hahai Hunting Ranch, were released in the hospital. It wasn’t long before things got out of control.”

According to reports the wolf found her way to the maternity ward and took up residence just outside the birthing rooms, growling at anyone who tried to enter the area. “I don’t think Loba [the wolf] would have hurt anyone, she was just trying to protect the babies,” says the employee, “She was actually the easiest to deal with. They shot her with a tranq gun and put her away. The raccoons and squirrels were a different story. The racoons got in the ductwork and spread out. A couple found their way to the kitchen and wrecked the place. They chewed up trays, spilled stuff all over, and you wouldn’t believe how much they could eat. It took hours to find the last one, but by far the worst were the squirrels. Somehow, many ended up in a room with a patient who has a history of animal hoarding. We took three squirrels out of the room right away, but it turned out she was hiding them. A few hours later we found a few more in her room. After we captured all the other animals, we found her playing with yet another. We’re still a few short, so we’re not sure if we’ve found all the places she has squirreled away the squirrels.”

Medical Center spokesperson Dr. Dalia Forsythe confirmed that, “a few squirrels remain unaccounted for” but says all other animals have been captured without harm to patients or wildlife. “Today was a bit more exciting than normal,” she says. “We routinely work with a number of therapy and wellness organizations to improve the morale of our patients. We believe that the positive interactions groups like these have with patients improve spirits and medical outcomes. Even though today didn’t go quite as planned, we have worked with Brandon and Creature Comfort many times in the past. With some changes as to how the animals are stored when not interacting with patients, we plan on working with them again in the future. Although, we would probably request leaving Loba behind next time. Delivering a baby is hard enough, without having a growling wolf outside your door.”

STORYLINE

New Kokua Treatment Promises to get You Sick Ahead of Valentine’s Day

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Lahaina’s Kokua Wellness Center is renowned for its lavish health and beauty treatments, as well as its exclusive clientele, but now a new offering is promising to make Kokua your go-to destination to get sick. Customers receiving the new “Rhinage” therapy inhale a viral-laden mist designed to “train your immune response naturally” and allowing you to “get sick on your schedule.”

While the idea of inhaling a sticky viral cloud may seem gross or even dangerous to most, spokesperson Yvonne Masters says the Rhinage treatment uses viruses harvested from a select group of people in a clinical setting, and is a safe alternative to needles and pills. Masters acknowledges that the idea of paying for what amounts to a sneeze in the face is off-putting, but counters that the treatment is all natural, and allows those with busy lives the flexibility of scheduling their sick days. She says,”Knowing when you are going to be sick is now among the many luxuries we can offer our clients.”

“Nothing is worse than being sick on Valentine’s Day, and there’s no better gift for that certain someone in your life than a healthy you. With that special day waiting right around the corner the time is right for Rhinage. The process is completely painless and takes only minutes. Our specially harvested rhinoviruses, from our exclusive pool of donors, have proven to be 95% effect after the first treatment, training your immune systems to be strong and resilient. The mist is warm and pleasant, allowing you the freedom of getting your cold out of the way. The world has never moved at a faster pace and you already schedule everything in your life. Now you can schedule your sick days too, with the help of Rhinage.”

Although the promise of planning your sick days like you would a vacation may seem intriguing to some, most medical professionals are skeptical of Rhinage’s safety, and its ability to keep people from getting sick after a treatment. “That’s not how the science works. On top of that, it’s just really nasty!” says Dr. Dalia Forsythe, Medical Director at the Lahaina Medical Center.

“The first issue is that despite their claims, this is not how vaccinations work. When you get vaccinated you are introducing a dead or weakened antigen into the body so it can build up an immune response without being overloaded. These people are using an active viral load. They are basically canning sneezes and spraying people with them for money. Going around and licking doorknobs would be just as effective. In addition, there are over 200 types of rhinoviruses, so if you really want complete immunity, you’d need to get sprayed in the face hundreds of times.

Lastly, as far as I know these treatments aren’t conducted in hermetically sealed rooms, and under virtually none of the usual lab protocols one would expect when handling live viruses of any type. This is not like one of those old fashioned chicken pox parties people used to hold before the vaccine was widely available in the late 1990’s. There’s serious potential for real harm here. There’s no telling what specific antigens have been introduced during storage, or are floating around in the treatment room. We’re talking about something that has great potential to mutate into more dangerous forms. This is exactly how a plague starts. In my opinion, Rhinage is a snotty time bomb waiting to go off.”

For some, Forsythe’s warning may have come too late. Despite assurances from Kokua that there is no evidence the treatment can lead to anything more serious than a mild cough, sore throat, and some congestion, Lahaina resident Gary Puniwale disagrees. He says Rhinage was not only NOT right for him, it led to some serious health issues.

“Like many I saw the ads lat month about Rhinage and how it could guarantee a sick-free Valentine’s Day, so I made an appointment right away. I don’t have the best luck on that day. To be honest it’s been historically disastrous for me. I’ve been: dumped multiple times, been in two head-on collisions, broken my leg diving, broke my clavicle falling off a horse, needed over 100 stitches after cutting my leg on some coral, nearly drowned, gotten food poisoning multiple times, and was bitten by both a dog and a pig on Valentine’s. I figured no matter how bad it got this year, at least I wouldn’t be sick. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out that way.

The treatment itself was a little repugnant but fine overall. They lead you into a little room. You sit in a really comfy chair while someone cleanses the air by ringing a bell. Then they give you a little spritz in the face with this thing that looks like an old perfume bottle. It’s a little sticky, but that’s it. When I woke up the next day however, I had a rash all over. I wrote it off at first, thinking it was just a reaction to the cheap laundry detergent I bought. But as the day went on I started to get the chills and decided to go home early and get some sleep. Next thing you know I’m bleeding from my eyes and ears. They think it might be a rare strain of dengue fever, but I haven’t traveled anywhere so they’re not sure. We’re still waiting on some tests. I had counted on a runny nose but not all the blood and IVs. They say love is blind, and I’m just hoping I’m not by the time this is all over.”

STORYLINE

Chop House Adds Skin-Eating Prawns To Menu

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There may not be a better place to get a steak on the entire planet. Bob Abramo’s Chop House has won numerous awards and the all-you-can-eat Long Pig Buffet is a pork lovers dream. However, the most recent item on the menu has some crawling in their skin. Since the beginning of the month, the restaurant has been selling The Kokua Wellness Center’s exfoliating shrimp to customers brave enough to eat them. Abramo says the shrimp are delicious and “perfect for those with an adventurous appetite.” Health officials have called the prawns “technically safe to eat.”

Bob Abramo is no stranger to unusual promotions or serving up a spectacle. His Meat Museum has been the talk of Lahaina since it’s opening a few months ago, but many say the prawn special is a plate too far. While Tahitian prawns are a common Spring-time treat for many Hawaiians the thought of eating ones that have fed on human skin and hair can be stomach-turning. According to those brave or foolish enough to order them, their unusual diet is a selling point.

Randy Wilcox is a self-professed adrenaline junky whose taste for thrills extends to what’s on his plate. He says that the prawns sit at the top when it comes to extreme foods.

“I’ve tasted it all and lived to tell about it. I’ve eaten so much fugu that my hands went numb. I’ve downed plate after plate of Sannakji and managed to keep the tentacles from suctioning themselves to my throat. I even ate half a wheel of Casu Marzu on a dare and didn’t get sick but these skin prawns are the bomb! Sure, all those other foods are exotic but the prawns have one big thing going for them that the others don’t. They are absolutely delicious! I’m not sure what it is about a diet of skin and hair that makes these things so sweet and juicy but Bob knows what he’s doing. I’m not worried about them making me sick, but I do wonder how they’d taste if you added some fingernails in the mix.”

Even though Mr. Wilcox clearly has no apprehension about the safety of consuming skin eating prawns, many have voiced concerns. Medical Director of the Lahaina Medical Center, Dr. Dahlia Forsythe says she understands the public’s unease but doesn’t think eating the prawns is dangerous to your health. “It’s just really gross,” she says.

“There are some really good biological reasons why cannibalism is taboo in virtually every culture and society. Eating other people can make you really sick. Kuru, a form of transmissible spongiform encephalopathy (TSE) caused by eating the brain of another human, is a disease similar to mad cow that can cause tremors, loss of coordination, and eventually death. There are a number of other prion diseases that can be transmitted through cannibalism as well as blood diseases like hepatitis, Ebola, and HIV. The good news is that it is highly unlikely that any of these conditions could be passed on through these prawns. Unless the spa is feeding whole bodies to these little guys, I don’t think there’s anything to worry about physically. However, I’d say that anyone who willingly wants to eat a shrimp that has been feeding on human skin and hair might benefit from some time with a good therapist. Seriously, there are better things to eat out there.”

For his part, Bob Abramo stands by his decision to serve Kokua prawns saying the taste and empty plates speak for themselves. Bob says he understands the attention but says the outrage comes from vegetarians and those with limited palettes. “It’s not like we’re hosting Donner Party dinners here,” he says

“I usually think of shrimp as a garnish. I prefer to eat proteins that don’t disappear in one bite, but when I heard about these Kokua prawns it got my stomach and brain churning. Waygu beef comes from cows fed large amounts of beer every day and some of the best hams in the world come from pigs who eat nothing but acorns right before the slaughter. I always say that meat is the spice of life and I started thinking about what prawns fattened up on people would taste like. I’m happy to announce that the answer is delicious!

We’re offering the prawns in three amazing preparations. Our Shrimp Grampy dips our biggest prawns in a tasty tub of garlic, butter, and fresh parsley to help wash your hunger away. Shrimp and Fritz pairs these sweet river treats with a handmade german style sausage and spaetzle. Of course, my personal favorite is the tempura sampler featuring three different dipping sauces inspired by our head line cooks. Customers can enjoy these lightly battered food dreams with a spicy Tilly oil, a tangy Chuck sauce, or a refreshing Brent yogurt dip. Whatever preparation you choose, you’ve won the culinary jackpot. Take a bite and I think you’ll agree that sometimes it’s good to have some hair in your food.”

STORYLINE

Popular “Smart Drug” To Come With Warning After Reports of Injuries

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Reparre Biologic has announced that they will start including a strong warning with their nootropic medication, “Precisionoll”. The drug has become wildly popular with young adults as a study and focus aid, but the medication’s ability to boost hand-eye coordination has led to a number of troubling incidents. Dozens have been seriously injured while trying to perform stunts on the drug, and health and safety advocates say that the withdrawal effects can be dangerous. President Shawn Hastings says Precisionoll is safe to use as directed, and helps millions who have trouble focusing every day.

The quest for a magic pill that will make you smarter, and more productive is not new. Decades ago drugs like Ritalin and Adderall gained popularity among college students and young professionals, and microdosing LSD became popular in California’s Silicon Valley. While the names may have changed, the public’s desire for them hasn’t. Prescriptions for nootropic drugs has risen 36% in the past 5 years, with 6.4 million people filling a bottle of Precisionoll alone in 2045. However, Hastings says that times, and medicine have changed. “We’re not talking about people hopped up on amphetamines, or coders pretending to be hippies, we are talking about specifically, and carefully tailored medicine,” he says.

“Pecisionoll helps the brain more efficiently process information. We have known for years that the subconscious mind can process many times more information than the conscious mind, and at vastly faster speeds. Precisionoll allows you better access to those “fast lanes” in your brain, and it literally enhances your eye’s focus. Many patients find that they no longer need corrective eyewear within weeks of taking Precisionoll. This is a new medicine for a new age. It is unfortunate that some have decided to use it in an irresponsible way. We hope these new warnings will deter the public from using this, and any medication, in a manner and purpose for which it was not prescribed.”

Many see this measure as too little too late, and not just medical professionals. Owner of the popular Hula Noodle eatery, “Uncle” Ralph Umeke says he’s seen the effects of Precisionoll first hand. “I get tourists juggling in here with those beady little eyes you get when you’re on that stuff. Sometimes the place looks like circus. Last week I was throwing a guy out for complaining that his noodles where slightly different widths, when I caught some morons outside tossing silverware in a bowl all the way across the patio. But that’s not the worst of it. My dart league was cancelled because of all the fights and accusations that broke out, and my ulu maika club is talking about drug testing. I don’t know what the world is coming too when your can’t even trust a bruddah bowler. Just look at all the people doing William Tell routines on Glimpsea and YouTube. It’s no wonder you read about so many getting head injuries.”

Medical Director of the Lahaina Children’s Hospital Dr. Dalia Forsythe echoes Uncle Ralph’s concerns. She says that the hospital has seen an 85% increase in injuries resulting from Precisionoll. “I just had a case involving a young man with a knife sticking out of his ear. He and his friends decided it was a good idea to take some Precisionoll and throw knives at each other to see who could get the closest. If that knife had been one inch to the left…… Reparre and the public need to ask themselves if the benefits of Precisionoll is worth a potential death.”

Lahaina’s Randy Wilcox is one of the most vocal of Precisionoll’s advocates, and his answer to Forsythe’s question is, “Hell yes it is!” Randy says the drug is vital to his popular backyard wrestling program.

“The public has always been hungry for danger, and right now, they want that danger thrown. Luckily, it turned out that like myself, all my wrestlers suffered from blurry vision when they were really tired, so we all got a prescription. The show has never been better! We’re incorporating a bit of native flair to the props now. Every night we’re tossing Ihe spears at each other off the top turnbuckles, and chucking koa throwing axes during entrances. The crowd loves it, and we’ve had very few accidents so far. I wouldn’t feel safe if we weren’t all on Precisionoll. We’d probably still do it because just missing your friend’s head with a throwing axe is about as intense as it gets, but I’d be way less confident about not hitting Gary. I understand some of the concern. That’s why we tell all the kids at the show that they should never throw anything at someone until they’re sure they can miss.”

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Hailoha-Health Set To Expand To Big Island Despite Concerns

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Hailoha’s latest offering, Hailoha-Health, was launched late last year to much fanfare. The service targeting: healthcare providers, hospitals, imaging facilities, clinics, and those unable to drive themselves to appointments, has driven a rocky road over the past 3 months. Despite numerous complaints about the service, particularly by a wide range of Lahaina medical professionals, Hailoha has announced they plan to expand the service to the Island of Hawai’i by this summer.

Nella Lawe, Hailoha Vice President, says the company saw a need for a healthcare transportation service, and stepped in to fill the gap. “As alarming as it may seem, more than 4 million American’s miss medical appointments because they don’t have access to transportation, or the money to afford the exorbitant price of traditional healthcare transportation. Hailoha-Health has saved lives.”

The company says that Hailoha-Health offers the sick and infirmed a reliable and efficient way to get to appointments. They say patients enjoy that their drivers are their neighbors, making what can sometimes be a anxiety-ridden experience more pleasant. Hailoha says that all their drivers are trained in HIPAA compliance and standards. In addition, the service is designed so medical centers can book rides on behalf of clients using Hailoha’s customer booking dashboard.

“We go to great lengths to protect client privacy. Medical data is never stored or handled by our drivers. The only information your driver ever knows is your name, where you are, and where you need to go. We’re not an ambulance service, but we are handling another type of emergency in the medical field. We’ve already seen a 20% uptick in clients making their appointments thanks to our service, and I’m sure that’s just the beginning,” says Lawe.

However, not everyone believes that the what the company is offering is good medicine. Many healthcare professionals have lodged complaints about the service, drivers, and Hailoha business practices. Lahaina Medical Center Director Dalia Forsythe is one of the company’s most vocal critics, saying the company, “isn’t offering the cure to anything but common sense.”

“There is a reason that healthcare regulations exist. It takes a long time to grasp the ins and outs, learn all the HIPPA rules, and become certified in basic first aid, including CPR. To say that these drivers can learn everything they need to know in one afternoon of instructional videos is ridiculous! It’s not just patients that are in danger either. Hailoha says their service is restricted to people only, but drivers routinely make deliveries of tissues, and even organs from facilities trying to save a dollar. I’ve personally witnessed a driver pull donated corneas from a cooler filled with beer, and I’ve heard of drivers losing biopsy tissues on the way to a lab. Hailoha says that they are not an ambulance service, but I’ve seen many patients in dire need of medical attention try to save a little money by calling them, instead of an ambulance. People have absolutely died because of that choice. I agree that there is a real issue here with regard to transportation, but we’re not going to fix the problem with just a band-aid and Hailoha-Health.”

Despite Dr. Forsythe’s misgivings the service has grown substantially since the beginning of the year, and is quite popular not only with those in need of transportation, but with drivers themselves. Local resident and part-time Hailoha-Health driver Randy Wilcox says it’s a great way to give back, and learn about your neighbors in need. “To tell you the truth, I’d do this for free,” he says.

“I have friends who are Hailoha drivers and love it. My buddy Mark had been trying to get me to drive for close to a year. He said it was fun, and an easy way to make a little extra money, but it seemed kind of boring to me. Then I heard about Hailoha-Health, and I knew I had give it a try. I was not disappointed. Sure, there’s lots of calls from old people who need to go get their meds, or get that spot on their leg looked at, but you can just decline those jobs. I hang out by the cliffs, or the beach when the surf is big, anywhere I think people could get injured, and it’s paid off. I love the controlled chaos of an emergency call. I can drive as fast as I need to, cut through parks, down closed trails through the preservation zone, and get paid when I’m done. Just last weekend I had to drive through two different soccer games, while taking a shortcut for a woman who’s ankle looked broken. It was exhilarating! Of course the police say that driving people to the hospital for a living is no excuse for “reckless driving”. I’m fighting the tickets though, and I’m sure the judge will see it my way once I explain everything to her. As long as I still have a license, I’m going to keep driving Lahaina’s most injured, at a high rate of speed, to the medical facility of their choice. It’s been awesome so far!”

Hailoha says the new service will debut in Hilo June 7th.

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Manimal Children’s Book Draws Ire of Parents and Safety Groups

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A new children’s book published by the popular Manimal sports drink company has parents and safety advocates seeing Radical Red. Released to mark recent news that Manimal has become the most popular energy drink in Hawaii, the company says “Sarge’s Cub Club” is for the youngest members of Manimal’s growing family, and teaches kids how to avoid the dangers of drugs, alcohol, and a sedentary lifestyle. However, many parents and experts say the book glorifies reckless behavior and dangerous activities.

Fresh off of news that Manimal had reached over 80% market share in West Maui and 75% in Hawaii as a whole, the public waited with bated breath to see what the Lahaina based company would do to celebrate. Manimal has had more than a few marketing hiccups in recent years. The contamination of a sacred spring by a member of the company’s Alpha Club placed the drink maker in hot water. Numerous health concerns were raised when a man nearly died from excessive Manimal consumption, and much of the Lahaina city council still refuses to comment on the public ATV fiasco. The release of a children’s book seemed an unlikely but safe choice to many, but it wasn’t long before the controversy that seems to follow the company reared its head.

Henna Driscol was one of the first parents to file an official complaint after buying her daughter a copy of the book. “We drink a lot of Manimal in this house and I thought it was neat that a local company has grown into this huge thing, so I thought I’d get Megan a copy. It was a huge mistake! I can’t believe that someone in authority at Manimal thought it was appropriate for children,” she says

“It starts out OK. Major, the company mascot tells a group of kids about the history of Manimal and how it got started here in Lahaina. Sarge teaches the kids how cleaning and helping your parents can be fun, what to say if someone offers them drugs, that sort of thing. Then the whole thing goes off the rails. One of the kids in the book complains that she isn’t allowed to skydive like her older brother and Sarge comes up with a bunch of “kid-friendly” extreme activities that can be done at home. It talks about how free climbing a rock face is too dangerous for kids, but bookcases and tall appliances like a refrigerator are fair game. There are instructions on how to arrange the furniture to make the “gnarliest indoor parkour course on your block.” My daughter broke her arm following Sarge’s recommendations on the best household objects to use for stair surfing. There’s a whole lot more to hate in there too, but we were lucky. Megan got hurt before she got to the part about adding fire to your stunt videos. I’m not one to get behind a book burning, but in this case, I’d be the first to throw this thing on the pyre.”

Numerous other parents and concerned citizens have complained citing dozens of injuries directly tied to stunts laid out in the book. The Lahaina Medical Center’s Director Dalia Forsythe has been a vocal opponent and has advised parents to not let their children read Sarge’s Cub Club. She says, “It’s a collection of dangerous things to do for children with too much free time. I’d say it was an accident waiting to happen, but accidents have already happened over 30 times! We’ve seen bumps and bruises to broken bones and even a potentially life-threatening head injury from kids trying out some of the activities in this book. It’s terrible and Manimal should pull it from shelves immediately.”

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says he acknowledges that some of the activities in the book may go too far, but thinks the backlash has been overblown. “To be honest I thought we were hitting this one out of the park, but I feel like a few haters and a couple of inattentive parents are making a much bigger deal out of this than they need to.”

“Look, kids get hurt all the time. It’s what kids do. Now, you take kids who embrace all life has to offer them, kids who like living their own game, not playing one on the couch, the kind of kids that drink Manimal….well they’re probably going to get a few scrapes living their best lives. That doesn’t mean that we’re responsible for everything they do.

Sure, there are probably a few suggestions in there that come too close to the line, but that’s part of the Manimal lifestyle. I hear a lot about kids falling off the top of cabinets and tumbling down stairs, but nobody is talking about the many good safety tips in Sarge’s Cub Club. Nobody mentions how Sarge tells the kids to never dive into a tub that’s half full. He tells the kids to always fill the tub to the very top before jumping in from any height. Does that sound irresponsible to you? These parents aren’t thanking us for suggesting that their kids practice jumping over cars in the garage before trying it out in the street. Maybe we should have read the book a little closer before we released it, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s not a super big deal. I mean nobody has died or anything and there are some really good tips on how to make your home videos straight fire. I think the kids would agree that a thousand more views on social media are worth a couple of close calls.”