Kokua Wellness Center To Offer Controversial Manimal Detox Program

The Kokua Wellness Center is world renowned for its high-end beauty treatments and exclusive clientele, but the spa has announced that they plan to depart from their usual services, and dip their toes into a controversial subject, Manimal detoxification. While most healthcare and addiction specialists claim that “Manimal addiction” is no more serious than having a penchant for coffee, many claim the Lahaina based energy drink company is pedaling a dangerous and potentially addictive product. They say over time Manimal can have serious detrimental health effects, and can cause severe withdrawal symptoms in those trying to give up the popular drink.

According to the Journal of the Hawaiian Medical Association, between 34 and 44 percent of young adults drink Manimal at least once a day. In addition, at least half of those polled say they consume between 4-6 cans daily. “That’s an irresponsible amount of caffeine, taurine, and other hazardous stimulants for a body to process,” says Chef Craig Hoomaau, a certified nutritionist and transpersonal plating-arts instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa.

“Kokua has always been about healing, and seeing so many of our neighbors trying to walk through their life’s journey burdened with the heavy weight of Manimal addiction, we knew we had to act. Unlike normal caffeine withdrawal which causes little more than headaches or an inability to concentrate, patients suffering from Manimal withdrawal often experience: uncontrollable muscle spasms similar to restless leg syndrome, dysphoria, an intense urge to run or jump, nausea and vomiting, a craving for carbonated beverages, heart palpitations, and a need to let out a primal scream. Severe cases can lead to liver failure, seizures, and psychotic episodes. We have developed an all natural way to cleanse the body of Manimal poisons. By boosting your own immune responses through tonal treatments, aural bathing, facilitated napping, and herbal replacement therapy, we are offering the first all natural Manimal detox program in the world.”

Hoomaau claims that over a dozen customers have signed up for the cleansing already, but health care professionals remain skeptical about the condition and the cure. Dr. Dalia Forsythe, director of the Lahiana Medical Center says, “We have no proof that Manimal addiction is anything other than an addiction to caffeine. Unfortunately, I believe Manimal is a victim of its own popularity in this case. We don’t hear about addiction to other energy drinks that contain similar ingredients. As far as a system to “detox” your body goes, well that is complete fantasy. The body already has its own complex purification system. No amount of bell ringing or basil chewing is going to remove more toxins from your body than your kidneys and liver. This is just the modern equivalent of the lemon juice and cayenne pepper cleanses that were so popular in the early 2000’s.”

However, some applaud Kokua’s new program and wish it had been available earlier. One of the most vocal Manimal critics in the addiction debate is 31-year-old Steven Nauwe. The dog walker and groomer made national headlines in the Spring of 2027 after his Manimal addiction led to multisystem organ failure. Nauwe was airlifted to The Queens Medical Center in Honolulu, where he would spend close to a month recovering.

“At the height of my problem I was drinking at least 20 cans a day. Almost dying was obviously terrible, but little did I know the worst was yet to come. Being without Manimal that first week in the hospital was horrendous. The doctors kept saying my discomfort was due to my system trying to restart itself, but deep down in my bones and my spleen, I knew it was the lack of Manimal. It had a hold on me like a wrestler, and I was almost down for the count. Kicking Manimal was the hardest thing I’ve ever done next to grooming the Driscol’s cats. I can’t express how grateful I am that Kokua has taken the issues of Manimal addiction seriously, and are offering a detox program to aid those suffering from withdrawal.”

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane acknowledges that long-time drinkers may experience headaches or minor irritability when going cold turkey, but says that the allegations of more serious effects are simply not true. “I’ve checked with the company doctors and lawyers and we all agree; These allegations are stupid! The biggest thing that should concern you if you stop drinking Manimal is your output. This is a high performance drink for high performance people. To avoid the mild headaches that some regular drinkers can experience, we suggest you taper down your intake before quitting. When your engines are burning hot you have to gradually cool them down, even forged steel can crack a bit if you cool it down too fast. As always, we encourage our customers to enjoy our drink in radical moderation. Other than that, it’s all good.”

Manimal Unveils New “Ancient” Formula

With retro fashions in style again, and the resurgence in popularity of old music and art, many companies are cashing in on the public’s love of those days-gone-by. The question is, does that love of yesteryear extend to energy drinks? Manimal CEO Spencer Kane hopes so. This morning the iconic beverage company unveiled the latest formula in their line, “Koa Kick”. Kane says the newest edition to the Manimal brand is inspired by an ancient recipe popular with the elite Koa warriors who lived and fought on the islands.

A press release reads in part. “The Koa were as fierce and unrelenting in battle as they were in life. Their stamina and strength were well known, and part of that vigor came from what they drank. Sure, they never jumped out of a helicopter or managed to hit a Double Pop-Shovit Late Kickflip but they were pretty dope for their time. Now, you can finally enjoy a taste of what powered these historic warriors. Koa Kick is an ancient formula to fuel a modern life. Blended with one of nature’s most nutrient rich foods, sugarcane, and a few other secrets ingredients, this new Manimal lets you live and play like the ancestors!”

Koa Kick is the first Manimal to be sweetened entirely by cane sugar and sugarcane juice. It is this change that makes Koa Kick special according to Kane. “I’m not hating on high fructose corn syrup here, but it’s just not right for Koa Kick,” he says.

“The history of sugarcane in Hawaii and its importance to the Koa is fascinating. It was one of the first plants brought to the islands to be cultivated, known as “canoe crops.” That doesn’t mean that they were grown on boats out in the surf, although that would be totally sweet. It means that the sugar cane was considered so vital to life that it got its own spot on the boat along with sweet potato, breadfruit and grandma.

Being a Koa warrior might have been the original extreme job. After a hard day of running, paddling, leaping ravines, and fighting to unite the Hawaiian islands under King Kamehameha, these guys counted on a big cup of cane juice to keep them fueled and ready to bash in some heads. They even planted it alongside popular routes so they could get a little boost on the go. Koa Kick is basically the energy drink enjoyed by these warriors with a modern kick. If it helped unite the Hawaiian islands, imagine what it can do for your free climbing game. This is our most ancient, and extreme formula yet!”

Despite Kanes enthusiasm for the new formula, health advocates warn that Koa Kick isn’t much better for you than any other Manimal products. While it is true that high fructose corn syrup has long been identified as problematic and potentially harmful to your health, excessive consumption of refined sugar comes with its own problems. “It’s not even about all the sugar, although I have heard reports of a Koa Kick crash which could be concerning,” says Dr. Dalia Forsythe.

“It’s about the stimulants in Manimal. Choosing a slightly better sweetener is fine, but with all the taurine, caffeine, and guarana added to this drink, it’s a moot point. This is definitely not the drink Koa warriors enjoyed. This is just Manimal made with sugar instead of syrup.”

One Manimal enthusiast is sold on the new formula however, and claims he can feel the difference sugarcane has made. Lahaina inventor Ano Lee says that Koa Kick is his favorite Manimal yet.

“As a member of the Alpha Club I get access to new flavors and formulas months before the public, and I can’t say enough good things about Koa Kick. I’m not sure if it would help me march for miles or swing a shark-toothed club, but it definitely has made me more productive. I tend to drink my breakfast and my go-to morning drink is Manimal. The problem is that after 4 or 5 cans my hands would often get so shaky that I couldn’t do any fine work. If I was working on a circuit board or trying to solder wires together, I had to do it before noon. For some reason, all that sugarcane juice smooths out everything else that keeps my motor running, and I’m steady handed all day. I never really paid that much attention to things like natural sugar before, but I’m a convert. I’ve been adding a little Koa Kick to just about everything. Sure, I may end up with higher blood sugar, but it keeps me ready to take on anything, just like my ancestors.”