STORYLINE

We’re Launching the First New Manimal Product in Almost a Century

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Over 95 years ago the cure for thirst was discovered and Manimal was introduced to the public. Perhaps the most recognized brand in the world, Manimal dominated the sports drink market up to the fracture and beyond. The popular beverage could be found in almost every kitchen and the company hosted numerous competitive events worldwide. Even today, the drink remains one of the most sought-after items on the island because of its amazing rehydration properties, excellent packaging, and amazing shelf life.

It’s been 90 years since the company released its last line of products. Manimal spray promised those brave enough to use it, “Instant Maximum Hydration” and was a modest success for the company. Plagued with a number of lawsuits and government inquiries, time caught up to the company and it was never able to release another formula before the great accident but thanks to the help of our fellow Merchant Association member Rita Olu’olu that is about to change.

Rita’s Refreshments has been one of the most popular stops for a beverage for years. Her understanding of flavors and eye for branding has made her shop a top earner since she opened. Her “Turtle Juice” was the surprise hit of last year’s Lava Sledding Championships and won her many fans. Now, with our help, Rita is set to unveil her very own line of Manimal drinks.

Brewed inside the remains of a whale, 100% natural, and offering drinkers a “Lahaina sleigh ride to refreshment”. Whalanimal is available in 2 taste-bud-busting flavors: Benthic Blue and Scrimshawberry, the beverage is sure to change the way visitors battle thirst across the island.

The genesis of Whalanimal is a whale of a tale that our research shows is best left untold. While the unique process of brewing and mixing inside a cetacean carcass provides a perfectly safe and surprisingly delicious product, it remains distasteful to a large number of potential customers. If pressed on details we’ve found it best to avoid focusing on specific aspects of the process. Instead, let the taste and effects of the product breach any walls of doubt your patron might have.

The creation of Whalanimal is no fluke. We’ve worked for months with Rita to create a drink that not only lives up to the high expectations set by the original but blows a hole in them. Powered by the sun, and fortified with nutrients from deep inside the animal, this Manimal packs a whale of a boost. Our baleen to canteen filtration system ensures a quality product free of the large particles one might expect in a naturally brewed sports drink.

I know some of you have expressed concerns that we may have swallowed more than we could chew by trying to reboot the Manimal franchise. All I ask is that you give it a try. I could sit here all day blubbering about how excited I am, but words can’t describe the jolt you get after your first taste of Whalanimal.

Don’t leave your customers stranded on thirsty shores. Place your orders now. Once people learn that they can “Live like a Manimal” again without the fear of running out, the demand is sure to be high. Whales are known as the monarchs of the sea, and this new beverage is sure to become the king of refreshments.

STORYLINE

Lahaina residents bond over SSHAM and sandbags

Mother nature is not going easy on Maui residents this year. Barely a month into the hurricane season the island has already faced the fury of 3 storms, but none of them have reached the intensity of Neki. The storm has already produced winds of up to 115 mph and meteorologists say that it could get even bigger before it hits.

Mayor of the County of Maui Albert Cravalho has cancelled tonight’s firework display and has issued a statement urging the public to prepare for the worst. All across the island people are bracing themselves and their houses for what might be the most powerful storm to ever hit the island. The National Weather Service now says that Neki might surpass Iniki, the category 4 hurricane that hit Hawaii in 1992.

While the general mood on the island is serious, and many are concerned, the looming storm has also highlighted an extraordinary sense of love and community. Mr. Cravalho says he couldn’t be more proud. This Hawaiian spirit and sentiment is especially true for the Lahaina area.

The Veilcorp facility there has ceased all travel activity and opened the doors to the public to use as an emergency shelter. Dan Kukulu, head of operations says,

“Our doors are open to anyone who is worried about the storm. We have nice strong walls and reinforced windows. Teams are going over every square inch of the facility right now to ensure everyone’s safety. We’re stocked up with enough water and Manimal for a week. We even have some entertainment to take your mind off the wind outside thanks to the Pu’u high school jazz ensemble. Everyone is welcome to come in, have a seat, and tap your feet until this whole thing blows over.”

All along Front Street businesses are boarding up windows and trying to protect themselves from flooding. Hula Noodle, a popular area shop has even offered SSHAM Musubi to everyone who helps fill sandbags. Owner Ralph Umeke says he’s proud, but not surprised at the willingness of his neighbors to lend a hand. “That’s what makes this place special. We’re like a big family. Sure, maybe a few people get on your nerves from time to time but in the end we all pitch in when we need to. Besides, I’m giving out bowls of SSHAM pho to anyone who fills 10 sandbags and that stuff is onolicious.”

North of Front Street others are offering some high-tech alternatives to sandbags. The local maker commune has been busily printing modular surge barriers all day and offering them up to anyone in need. Ano Lee says,

“The machines are hot and we’re almost out of materials but we’ll keep printing until we can’t anymore. This is my home and I want to do everything I can to help. We’re using a pretty cool pattern that I worked on a few years ago. The panels are easy to put together and they’re sturdy. We’ve installed purple LEDs along the top, and blue along the sides so they should look super cool at night, especially highlighted with a little lightning. In addition, every other panel has a small speaker and some pre-loaded music. I have to admit, our hurricane playlist might be the best we’ve ever made.”

People have been queuing up for the barriers all day including Scott Stonegate. The local man says that he isn’t usually the kind to hang out at the commune but appreciates what Lee is doing. Stonegate says he’s using the experience as a life lesson for his kids. “Their mom is the president of our HOA so she’s busy right now making sure that all the plywood is properly fitted over windows, and that there isn’t any unnecessary markings on them. I think it’s important for our kids to see that even in an emergency, standards are important.”

Scott says that if it wasn’t for Lee, his neighborhood of Tanager Lane might not have any workable solution should the storm surge reach far inland.

“I’ve already cleared away anything from around the garage that might be of concern. However, if it wasn’t for these panels my classic Mustang Shelby GT350 might be in danger of getting flooded out. Ivy is the most beautiful custom green and I don’t know what I’d do if her electronics got ruined. I’m over here working with people that I normally avoid in the lightning and raging winds with my kids to teach them an important lesson. You need to do anything you can to ensure the safety of the things you hold most dear.”

The latest National Weather Service forecasts predict Neki to make landfall sometime early tomorrow morning. Until then, the residents of Lahaina will continue to share SSHAM, sandbags, and a sense of community.

STORYLINE

Explosions Reported at Veilcorp Luau

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Multiple reports have been coming in over the past hour that there has been an explosion at the annual Veilcorp ‘Innovators Luau’. First responders confirm that numerous people have been injured, many of them critically. They will not confirm or deny that there have been any deaths so far. Sources inside emergency services say that at least 30 people have been taking to area hospitals for treatment with many more suffering minor injuries.

Current estimates put around 300 in attendance at the Luau this morning South of Black Rock Beach. We can confirm that all area first responders have been called in as well as all reservists. Police have cordoned off the area.

There were many who were more seriously injured as well. Witnesses say that multiple Hawaii Life Flight helicopters have departed with emergency patients. We’re told that those flights are taking victims to the Molokai General Hospital, Queen’s Medical Center, and the Straub Medical Center in Honolulu. Sources say that these are the closest facilities able to handle multiple severe traumas and traumatic head injuries.

The cause of the explosions remains unknown with numerous conflicting reports coming in. At first we were hearing that a tank malfunction under a grill was the cause of the incident. Now we’ve had multiple reports that a catering vehicle which had been parked near the food area exploded. Officials on scene have not been able to verify either story. What seems clear at this point is that early reports of gunfire appear to be false. The Lahaina Advertiser has been unable to find any credible source for the earlier claims.

A full list of the injured has not been released as of yet but there is some speculation about the company’s founder and his family. Eric Oeming, his wife Tracy, and his daughter Alohi are usually present for the event but their current location remains unknown. Oeming nor Veilcorp have yet to put out an official statement. We have had a handful of reports that the family was among the group getting food during the explosion.

Numerous calls to Veilcorp have gone unanswered or provided little additional information at this point. We understand that some outlets are reporting that Department of Homeland Security agents have been spotted on scene marking the incident as a possible terrorist attack. The DHS office and the Hawaii Emergency Management Agency have as yet made no comment on their possible involvement.

We will be updating this story as soon as we have any new information. Police are asking the public to please avoid calling 911 if you are inquiring about the status of a friend or loved one. They will be opening an emergency line soon and we will provide that number as soon as its active. If you saw something or have personal information about the incident this morning please let us know.

STORYLINE

Leaked Email Exposes Gruesome Tests and Dangers of Veiled Food

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from: Harold Breen
to: Dr. Robert Coney
date: Mon, Jan 05, 2037 at 10:53 AM
subject: FDA Approval and Taste Tests

We have ran into a potential stumbling block with our FDA approval. I just wanted to touch base with you to discuss the situation and let you know how I think we should handle it.

As I’m sure you know we are on the verge of securing FDA approval to veil foodstuffs. We’ve completed all the necessary testing and have passed the first round of inspections. Most of the paperwork is done and we are just adding supplemental reports currently. We have shown that consumables can be safely transported through the veil with no adverse effects. As expected, veiled food is completely indistinguishable from food that has not been transported, at least as far as anything the FDA is concerned with goes. The question we have been trying to answer, and the point of this email, is whether or not it tastes different.

The issue came up when the Japan External Trade Organization (JETRO) expressed concerns that any live animals might be tainted during the travel process, and had some reservations about transporting fish and poultry in particular. To allay their concerns, we assembled a taste testing panel of culinary experts and fed them veiled items and non-veiled items. That’s where we ran into some trouble. We aren’t exactly sure what is going on but about 25% of the tasters could note a difference between an animal that was transported while living, and one that was not.

Our experiments showed that this unexpected side effect was true of fish and many types of fowl but most pronounced in geese. Almost a third of our experts could accurately determine if a goose had been veiled alive before it was prepared. To rule out differences in flavor between individuals, we began to remove a single wing before transmission and then the remaining wing after the animal completed its journey. The results ended up being the same. The wings of living geese tasted different after they had gone through the veil. It is important to note that the experts didn’t say that they flavor was bad, just different. One expert said of the wing plates, “This is really grisly but delicious.”

The same turned out to be true of legs and thighs. Despite our best efforts and some remarkable medical interventions, we were unable to keep a goose alive long enough after removing testable portions of the breast. Nonetheless, we have no reason to believe that the outcome would have been any different. We experimented with a number of sauces and rubs with no measurable change. We briefly discussed the possibility that the cooking process might have something to do with the issue and began to explore ways we could eat portions straight off the bird. At this point in the experiments some of our tasters became noticeably upset and voiced concerns about the well-being of the animals being prepared for them. Feeling that we had already collected enough data and not wanting to ruffle any more feathers, we thanked them for their time and ended for the day.

We aren’t sure what could be causing the issue but it appears that living tissue is absorbing some substance during the travel process that non-living tissue does not. Our best guess is that those able to taste a difference have an increase in fungiform papilae, making them what is commonly known as a “super taster.” These individuals are much more sensitive to flavors and represent about 25% of the population, a number that correlates to our findings. We plan on starting a new round of tests to determine if marinade baths or the removal of feathers prior to transmission will fix the issue.

The good news is that the FDA doesn’t oversee how a food tastes, only it’s safety. As far as we know, whatever is going on with the living animals is not going on with any other foodstuffs. If we’re careful about our claims and keep these findings quiet until we know more, we should still hit our goals on the current timeline. I’ve already verified that all of our testers signed their NDA’s. Hopefully our parts and pieces platters didn’t leave a bad taste in their mouths and they’ll honor their agreements. I’m sure whatever is going on isn’t anything serious and we’ll figure it out soon.