Duracave Archives - Fractured Veil

Sergeant Kaua’s War Academy Announces Youth Program

For years you’ve known Sgt. Kaua’s War Academy as the premier hand-to-hand combat academy and school of battle on the island. The academy has deep roots and a long history. Colonel Kaua fought alongside the legendary Kānaka chief Ikaika at the battle of Black Reach Beach, helping to make the island safer. Sergeant Kaua took a lifetime of his father’s battle philosophy and training to develop a system of combat that is unparalleled in its effectiveness. Now, he’s ready to pass on that knowledge to the next generation. For the first time ever, the War Academy will be accepting a limited number of child students.

Most combat and self-defense programs concentrate on the rigorous drilling of moves to perfect technique and complete focus, but not the total battle system. Without the unnecessary shackles of discipline holding your young one down, he or she will be able to grow into the perfect instrument of slaughter that you always knew they could be. Your child will not only be able to protect themselves and those around them, they will gain the confidence and know-how to charge heedlessly into their enemies and send them running.

“My father knew that the problem with plans is that they could always go wrong. Battle is a messy game and the rules are always changing. Without relying on tactics, I’ll teach your child the power of mindless battle. The shark isn’t the king of the reef because of its carefully thought-out stratagems and complex contingency plans. It bites and it bites in a frenzy. I’ll help your child roll back their eyes and channel their inner shark.”

The Sgt. will help your child unleash their personal volcano, and allow their vengeance to erupt on the battlefield. Our system will pinpoint the fury hiding deep within their psyche and teach them to harness it. Do you make them go to bed earlier than they like? Do they have a sibling that is constantly teasing them, or breaking their things? Maybe they have an unusual physical trait that other children make fun of. All of these can be harvested and transformed into a dish best served cold. The Sgt. has a way of helping you recognize things that you didn’t even know made you angry and amplifying them into a blackout rage. It’s hard for your enemies to foil your plan if you don’t have one. When obliterating the enemy is your only job you can get a lot of work done.

While we believe the cornerstone of any good instrument of war is the correct attitude, we also recognize that it is important to learn a few more practical skills as well. We will train them in the ancient Hawaiian art of Lua. Your offspring will learn to stop opponents by breaking bones, using pressure points, and more. We teach our students to be proficient in all three major weapons: pololu, newa, and koa axe. Guns jam and rust. Ammunition is expensive and untrustworthy. At the War Academy, we believe in getting our hands dirty. Your youngster will learn all three standard pololu thrusts deemed most effective in real-life combat situations. Their enemies won’t be able to do much when they’re spiked to the ground. If they can break a coconut they’ve got all the strength they need to harness the lessons learned in our advanced newa techniques. You’ll have a hard time telling if all that blood is theirs, or their partner’s when they begin the Sergeant’s patented koa axe dance. They’ll be chopping their way to victory in no time thanks to the Academy.

We strive to keep things simple, effective, and realistic to best simulate real-life situations. As such, there will be times that your child won’t have a standard weapon within hands reach so we believe in a rich improvised weapons curriculum. “Most people don’t realize that the average child’s bedroom contains at least 11 ways to die. Whether it be a pillowcase full of batteries, a well-placed spray of Manimal to the eyes, or the corner of a block to the temple, I’ll teach your kid how to shut down a threat in seconds and get back to their coloring.”

Iron sharpens iron and there’s no bigger piece of iron on the island than Sgt. Kaua. His father was a hero, and his campaigns have made him a modern-day legend. With years of warfare under his bloody belt, who better to teach your children the skills necessary to turn them into tiny terrors. Help us help them learn the lessons they need to survive. The world is a dangerous place. Let’s make your kids dangerous too. You owe it to them!

A limited number of slots are available, so hurry! Tryouts begin at midday tomorrow at the Duracave bunker outside of Pu`u village. Please have them bring a short essay (~500 words) describing why they would make a good herald of carnage and what battle means to them. We’ll assess your children’s physical skills, potential, and temperament. We’ll post our acceptance list, and contact you with scholarship options by the end of the week.

August 23, 2100

Putting Our Best Foot Forward When Meeting Other Survivors

September 27, 2050, was a day many of us had been waiting a long time for. The annual Duracave Expo was like Christmas a couple of months early. We came from all over Georgia to learn what new tools of freedom the company would unveil to help believers in liberty. Little did we know that the fracture would soon put all of our planning to the test. I think we passed with flying colors and I’m proud of what we accomplished, but it’s only a matter of time before we meet another large group. When that day comes, our values and way of doing things will enter the marketplace of ideas and as we all know, we can’t afford to show any weakness.

Some would call it luck that so many of us had shielded RVs with air scrubbers, but we all know that chance has nothing to do with being prepared. Between the motorhomes and the handful of display model bunkers, many of us made it through that first terrible week. When things finally quieted down, we began to explore and found a new home in Pine Bridge. We repurposed parts from the poultry farm to get a clean running water system going and divided up everything we took from the expo.

Even with all of our planning and training, things were tough, and we lost quite a few nonbelievers along the way. There was a lot to celebrate too. We redeemed the traitors among us, by allowing them to nourish our crops. We started producing honey and making trade goods. With the help of the Duracave solar generators, we got a mill up and running and we grew our new community. Most of us can remember the excitement when we found the Newuskin machine and got it working. I’ll never forget the celebration that night, I had no idea so many people could fit in my bunker.

We created a community and an amazing system of governance based on what our forefathers believed and everything we knew about how government works. The reliability of the Duracave products along with our steadfast beliefs have served us well up until now. However, our values and way of life will be tested when we meet other large groups. If we want to convince these people that our system is right and work together to rebuild this great nation, we have to put our best foot forward. We are going to be battling for hearts and minds and I think we can do better. Since we are about to adjourn for our summer vacation, I thought I’d raise some concerns and give us all something to contemplate over the next 5 weeks.

Although this is nothing new and you’ve heard it many times before Alden, you can’t just start a filibuster every time we try to discuss cutting back on the number of people we have working the bullet presses. You’re delaying our legislative calendar and everyone’s sick of hearing you read that shotgun care guide over and over again! I understand that you believe defense spending is important, heck, when I was running for President part of my platform was to have at least 3 people on the presses all day. However, things have changed. We’ve thinned the herd and dispatched all of our enemies. We have more ammunition than we could ever shoot. We should at least have the ability to discuss what we might do with an extra person if we cut the press workforce down to two.

Secondly, Virginia, you have to stop sneaking amendments into our spending bills. You know that those things hardly ever get read. I wasn’t the only one surprised to learn last week that we had approved a law allowing the people living by the creek first dibs on any new housewares. This isn’t the first time you snuck into the congressional tent after everyone was asleep, opened the folder, and wrote in something for your constituents. If it doesn’t stop, we’re going to have to completely review each and everything that we vote on. Do you know how long that is going to take?

Speaking of spending and sweetheart deals, I believe it’s time to end the subsidy on honey. I’m sorry Dale, but it has become clear to me that the program has more to do with your personal relationships than with any market disruption the Duracave Environmental Collectors are causing. Violet is a wonderful woman. She’s done a great job building new hives and increasing production but she doesn’t really need extra rations. You are the Secretary of the Treasury, so I try to listen to your perspective on financial policy but I think it’s clear that you’re leading with your heart instead of your head on this issue.

Finally, we need to talk about your committee appointments Caroline. I don’t think a President has ever had a better VP. You and your family have lost more than most but you still keep pressing on. Your perseverance is an inspiration to us all. Even your dog is amazing. Beuford is one of the finest hunting dogs I’ve ever known, but you have to stop appointing him to committee positions. If and when we meet these new people, and we’re explaining our political philosophy, we can’t have a dog thrown into the mix. We all love Beu, but you can see how others might not understand why we’ve appointed a dog to a planning committee.

Look, when we founded this community we had over 100 people. Some of us got sick and others had to be dealt with because they only pretended to share our values. There may be less than 70 of us now, but almost everyone has some sort of government position and I’m confident that we all share a singular vision. We need to do our best to work together and iron out these wrinkles that could lead others to question our political system. I don’t know about you, but I like the way things are going, and think we could use a few more like-minded faces around camp. Let’s work on these issues, put our best foot forward, and show people that we’ve not only kept the government going through all this turmoil, but we’ve made it better.

Ted Ronner
President of the United Bunkers

August 2, 2057

Competition To Crown New Duracave Brand Ambassador Wraps-Up This Weekend

In a little over 48 hours, Duracave, the popular maker of outdoor and survival gear, will be one step closer to crowning a new brand ambassador. The semi-final leg of the competition wraps up Saturday evening, bringing a group of Duracave enthusiast within reach of becoming the face of the company. Notwithstanding a few hiccups, the competition has been a huge marketing success, with millions following the company’s livestream and watching contest videos.

Almost 2 months ago, Duracave announced the search for a customer to become the new brand ambassador. The company screened thousands of videos looking for a spokesperson who not only used Duracave products, but had “the will, ingenuity, and heart of a real survivor.” Hundreds of hopefuls have been whittled down to a dedicated dozen, who have spent the last 5 days in West Maui with only their skills, what they can find around them, and Duracave products to survive.

Duracave CEO Barrett Stone says he couldn’t be more proud of the contestants who’ve made it this far, “Survival isn’t a game where there’s winners and losers. You either survive or you don’t, it’s that simple. I can’t say that I’m proud of everyone who entered so far, after all there is no such thing as a Duracave participation trophy. Frankly, I cringe a little when I think about some of the contestants we’ve seen using our products, but I can say that I would be proud to drink some purified urine with any of our 12 semi-finalists!”

While many companies have turned towards crowdsourced contests and competitions to promote their products cheaply, Stone says the Duracave challenge is more about brand authenticity.

“All too often consumers see spokespeople who are just paid actors or people with no organic connection to a product. Our customers are just too savvy to believe that models eat cheeseburgers by the handful, or that celebrity don’t have people who handle their finances and credit card bills for them. Duracave lovers don’t have the patience for that kind of nonsense, and we wouldn’t patronize them with a clean-faced spokesperson in freshly pressed pants.

We want a brand ambassador as authentic and real as the struggle to survive is. We want someone who: knows how to gut an ungulate with a sharp rock. Someone who not only knows what the water from a puddle tastes like, but has learned to love it. The kind of person who puts their survival and that of their loved ones above all else, and is willing to do what others won’t to secure it. We want someone ready to do what it takes after a natural disaster or a government insurrection. Our products are valuable tools for people like that, and we want one of them speaking for us.”

Despite authorities having to save one contestant after his handmade outrigger canoe became swamped by waves near Black Rock Beach earlier this week, the competition has gone off without a hitch. Many were concerned that would-be ambassadors would disturb protected areas inside the Lahaina preservation zone. Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) senior investigator Greg Iona says, “So far there haven’t been any problems in that area. In fact, a few haven’t even gone inside the zone so far.”

One such contestant, Lahaina’s own Randy Wilcox, says avoiding wild areas is part of his strategy. “Most people aren’t going to be out in the middle of nowhere when everything goes to hell; they’re going to be in a city. I’m focusing on showing how Duracave can help you survive in an urban setting too.”

So far his strategy has paid off, and his unconventional strategy has made Wilcox a fan favorite.

“Unlike most contestants I’ve chosen a beach area to show-off my skills. While it may be too windy for a structure built from sticks and twine, I’ve built a hut out of empty Manimal cans filled with sand and a few repurposed beach umbrellas. I’ve cubed up a couple cans of SSHAM, and are using them as candles. Not only do they provide enough light to allow me to work on my manifesto at night, but the smell attracts crabs and some of the slower moving seabirds. I’ve been using whatever comes to close to my hut to supplement my stash of Fred’s Famous Raccoon Noodles. I also borrowed my nephew’s “Little Liberty Survival Kit” for this stretch of the competition, and have cobbled together a speargun. I’ve been trying to attract sharks on the other side of the reef with my own blood. Even though I haven’t been able to land one yet; It’s only a matter of time before I’m able to chum one close enough to hit. These other competitors may have worked hard and endured uncomfortable circumstances, but I’m the only one who has actually added blood to their sweat and tears. Duracave deserves nothing less in their next spokesperson!”

June 23, 2050

Lahaina Celebrates Reality Star Malie Kahiko’s 111th Birthday

Malie Kahiko, one of Lahaina’s favorite daughters, is celebrating her 111th birthday today and visitors and residents alike are helping her celebrate. The popular star of the online series, “Malie’s List”, says that she appreciates all the well wishers and says she doesn’t plan on doing anything special to celebrate her birthday. “After 100, every day is just another day,” she says. Kahiko credits her long life to “genetics, a bit of luck, and trying everything at least once.”

When Malie Kahiko was born, the federal government had just raised the minimum wage to 40 cents, Germany had annexed Austria, oil was newly discovered in Saudi Arabia, and a man named Howard Hughes set a new “round-the-world” record of 3 days, 19 hours. A lot can change in a lifetime, especially a lifetime that lasts over a century. Malie says that veil travel and ceremplant technology are at the top of her list of amazing developments during her long life.

In addition to her longevity, it’s lists that have pushed her into the spotlight, but according to Malie, that was never the plan. “To be honest I never planned or even wanted all this recognition. I started going through my bucket list when I turned 88. It took me 10 years to get through the whole thing. I never imagined I’d actually get through it. Then I spent a year doing things I sorta wanted to do, and made it to the end of that list too. I was 99, I had done everything I ever dreamed of doing. I had buried 3 husbands, a couple children and a grandchild. All of my old friends were long gone and I was honestly struggling to figure out what to do with myself. Some of my great-grandkids suggested I finally get a ceremplant. I’ve never been a big fan of that sort of thing, but they said it’d be easy to use and it’d give me people to talk to. They couldn’t have been more right. I started telling people about my life and my bucket list. Everyday it seemed like a dozen more would message me and before you know it I had my own channel. On my 100th birthday someone said they really wanted to go cliff diving but always chickened out at the last minute, so I said I’d give it a try for them. I figured it might be fun and if it went bad….well I’d get to see my friends again. That was the beginning of the series.”

Malie’s List sees Kahiko scratch off items from viewer’s bucket lists, and has made her one of the most recognized faces in Lahaina. Along with her black mobility scooter Betty, she has spent the past 10 years traveling the world and completing over 250 viewer suggested tasks. Malie has: scooted with the bulls, shuffled off the top of waterfalls, dived with sharks, helped tag the Duracave elephant herd, been hoisted up a sheer cliff face, and even sailed through a hurricane. Surprisingly, Kahiko says she doesn’t see herself as a daredevil, “I’m just a lady who has lived so long that I figure there’s nothing to lose anymore. I go to the Abramo Chop House at least 3 times a week and always eat as much as I can from the Long Pig Buffet, despite what my doctor says. If there’s no lifeguard on duty, I love wading into the surf during a good storm. there’s nothing more beautiful than watching the lightning in the breaking waves. I try not to let anything slow me down. If Betty can get me there, I’m up for it.”

Malie says she doesn’t know what she’s going to do with all the cards and gifts she’s got so far. She even received a prototype wrist device that interfaces with her implant. “To be honest, I’m not sure of everything this thing does. They’re supposed to be sending a tech over to explain it to me. All I know is that it monitors my health and they said it will help protect me from any major injury. I just like the way it looks, even if it does chafe my arm a little. I’d say they need to make the next one a bit more comfortable.” A Reparre spokesperson said they were thrilled to be able to provide Kahiko with the company’s latest technology but could not comment on the device’s specifics.

Inventor Ano Lee, one of Malie’s most diehard fans, gave Betty some upgrades this year as a birthday gift. “I never miss an episode of Malie’s List. I know that there are a few things she can’t do because of Betty’s limitations and I wanted to change that. She inspires so many with her show that it inspired me. Most mobility scooters have less than 2 hp and a top speed of around 8 mph on pavement. I thought I could do a lot better than that, and I was right. After a little power rerouting and tinkering, we got Betty to hit 35 mph on the sand. I figure she’ll go at least 50 mph on the road. We lifted the body, added better stabilization controls, and synthetic all-terrain tires. Now she’ll be able to cross all the deserts and jump all the buses she wants. We added a flash freezing unit to the basket to keep her drinks cold, speakers, a 120 decibel dual air horn system to let people know she’s coming, and a hula girl bobblehead on the handles, to help her remember her home no matter where she is. I hope these modifications last her another 111 years.”

Kahiko says she’s overwhelmed by all the kind words and amazed at Betty’s upgrades. “Just when you think you’ve seen it all, someone gives you a souped up scooter with heat resistant tires. I can’t wait to go volcano exploring while listening to Benny Goodman.”

September 12, 2049

Duracave Unveils First Portable 127 Reactor Available To the Public

Having power during an outage is a luxury that everyone who own a home generator appreciates, however for some with extreme health conditions, having a constant source of power is a necessity. The same holds true for medical and emergency facilities. Until now, the only options available to the public were generators that relied on batteries, or fuel to keep the power going. Today, Duracave announced that they will offer the public a revolutionary new option that promises to not only provide continuous power for a lifetime, but will allow some to disconnect from the grid entirely. The company has unveiled a portable nuclear power generator that runs on “Unbiseptium,” better known as 127.

One of the military’s largest contractors, Duracave started offering commercial versions of their technology 20-years-ago with their mobile bunker system. The brand has since gained a devout following, especially amongst survival enthusiasts. The company already has a line of emergency solar generators for the home, but their latest design has only been available to the government until now. Duracave says the new generator is a giant leap forward in technology, and allows its customers the “freedom of self reliance for a lifetime.”

Weighing in at 82 pounds, the Portaplant 127 may not be light, but is small enough to be carried by the average consumer. Providing up to 60kW, the mini power plant could continuously power 10 medium sized houses, or a business for up to 75 years before needing to be replenished. “It’s the same technology that has powered the military, now available in your home,” says the company.

Despite the fanfare, many are concerned about the possibility of having a mini nuclear generator in their neighborhood, especially one powered by 127. Tim Durney, founder of the watchdog group VeilWatch, is among the loudest voices in opposition to the technology. He says, “This is exactly what we’ve been warning the public about for the last 15 years. We knew that once the 127 genie was out of the bottle it would be almost impossible to put back in. The element contaminated miles of farmland in Iowa after a containment leak, and gave cancer to thousands way back in 2023. We know that it is poisoning our food, and water. It is having detrimental effects to the environment, causing widespread abnormalities in plants and animals. Worst of all, consumers won’t be able to count on their government to protect them against the many deleterious effects of 127, since we know they are using the element in their own human research. My best advice to anyone who is thinking about purchasing one of these accidents-waiting-to-happen is simple, don’t! If you are concerned about your health and well-being stay away. If someone in your neighborhood buys one, move.”

Nonetheless, not everyone is concerned about the prospect of their neighbor owning a nuclear powered generator. Some are very excited about the prospect. Inventor and technology gadfly Ano Lee says he’s already making plans to integrate the Portaplant into his property. “I’ve been going over the specs since they announced they’d be selling them to the public last month. With one of these things going, I don’t have to worry about power outages ever again. There’s nothing worse than printing a spoon in a storm, and having the electricity go out before the handle is done. The Portaplant can power the entire printer shed with all the machines going, and still have enough juice left over for the Tchotchke Hut. I’m not personally worried about the 127, I mean lots of people here live near the veil station, and I haven’t seen anyone with 3 arms yet. But I understand that tourists might be worried, so we’re putting up a warning sign, and hanging a couple of NBC suits out by the front gate for anyone worried about dying of radiation poisoning while shopping for bobble heads, and plastic pineapples.”

Duracave says all of the products meet government guidelines, and are completely safe to use and operate. The company says they hope to expand their line of 127 generators with an even smaller model next year.

May 7, 2049

Haikili: The Revolutionary New Printable Rifle

FIREARMS AND FRIENDS

Aired September 7, 2048 – 20:00 HAST

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

[20:00:07] RANDY WILCOX, FIREARMS AND FRIENDS HOST: Good evening Lahaina and everyone else who doesn’t live in paradise.

I’m really excited about tonight’s guest. In just a few moments, we’ll be discussing the boom in 3D printed weapons, since the government changed the rules in the Undetectable Firearms Act, with one of the most prolific inventors of our time. We’ll be talking about his new Hawaiian inspired printable rifle, and what makes it one of the best long guns around.

First I want to let you know that tonight’s episode is brought to you by Duracave, maker of the Duracave mobile bunker system, environmental collectors, and solar home generators. Frequent listeners know that I don’t advertise anything on the show that I don’t personally believe in, and I can’t say enough about the Duracave line of products. The mobile bunkers are so light they can be towed by any heavy duty truck or medium duty military vehicle. The self leveling feet make set-up a breeze, and the communal sleeping quarters can hold up to a dozen comfortably. Duracave doesn’t want you to just survive. They want you to thrive!

We’re also brought to you by my favorite show, Board Entertainment’s Veil Sale. Watch me and my partner John bid on abandoned packages, forgotten freight, and lost luggage. Each bag might hold a bounty in riches, or end up a bust. You never know what we’ll find. Watch us take a chance trying to hit it big by turning one man’s trash into our treasure. Everything is worth something to someone. Tune in every Thursday at 9 HAST to find out what we’ll find next.

WILCOX: Now that we’ve held off the bill collectors for a few days, let me introduce someone who needs no introduction. He is one of the most prolific inventors of our time. The Navy uses his shark mitigation system to protect our sailors, his agriculture drones have revitalized the pineapple business in Hawaii, and he is the brains behind Kalani Custom Boards. He is Lahaina’s own Ano Lee.

Ano Lee, Inventor and Entrepreneur: Thank you for having me on Randy. I’m a big fan of the show as you know.

WILCOX: So you’re not known as being a big firearms enthusiast, what made you decide to get in the business?

LEE: Well, as you mentioned a moment ago, the government loosened regulations on printable firearms this year, and I saw an opportunity to get into the gun game. As you mentioned, I didn’t have a lot of knowledge about the market at first, but I did my research and designed the Haikili. It’s perfect for hunters and pleasure shooters alike.

WILCOX: Haikili is an interesting name.

LEE: Haikili is the Hawaiian god of thunder.

WILCOX: Seems appropriate.

LEE: I thought so.

WILCOX: Lahaina is known for a lot of things, but being a hub of gun innovation isn’t one of them. Of all the places in the world to make firearms, why Maui?

LEE: Actually, Maui has become very popular with hunters. With the success of Hahai Ranch, and others like them, hunting is becoming a big business. Thousands come to the island every year to hunt feral goats, wild boar, and trophy sized axis deer. That isn’t even counting the more exotic animals bred by these ranches. You can even go after water buffalo here now.

WILCOX: Five different species of antelope too. I’m just waiting for someone to start big cat hunting. I think the studio could use a lion head trophy, don’t you?

LEE: I think you’d have a hard time convincing the governor and the DLNR that lions should be brought to the island, but I hear what you’re saying. There are tons of regulations about what can be brought here, and the process of veiling with a gun is a nightmare. It’s one of the reasons the Haikili is so great. A hunter can come here without the hassle of paperwork and permits. He or she can have a custom firearm created just for them, in a matter of minutes.

WILCOX: I know a lot of viewers are cringing right now that you said a custom firearm can be made in minutes. It takes a good gunsmith months sometimes to make a quality weapon, and the history of printed guns isn’t exactly long and illustrious. Is the Haikili really able to compete with something toiled over, and perfected for weeks?

LEE: Absolutely Randy! Just because something takes a long time doesn’t mean it’s better. I mean my grandma takes a long time to walk from her bedroom to the kitchen, but I wouldn’t put her in a race. 3D printers and laser cutters have gotten so good now that they rival industrial CNC machines. I will admit that there aren’t a lot of quality 3D printed weapons out there right now, but I hope to change that soon.

WILCOX: So how does it work. If I wanted to buy a Haikili what do I do?

LEE: It couldn’t be easier. You just meet with one of our facilitators who will walk you through all your options. In fact, designing your weapon takes about as long as the actual construction time. Everything is customizable with the Haikili. You can have a stock made from wood, metal, carbon fiber, durable plastic, or many other options. You can add scopes, hand guards, suppressors, muzzle brakes, flash mitigators, whatever you want. If you want a clear plastic stock filled with LED lights and a muzzle brake that looks like a dragon’s head, you can have it. Of course most people go with boring old wood, but we try to accommodate everyone. Once you have a design you like. it takes about 20 minute to print and assemble.

WILCOX: I’m told you brought a video of a Haikili being made.

LEE: Yeah, this is our most popular model being printed and assembled.

WILCOX: Let’s have a look

[WILCOX AND LEE WATCH ASSEMBLY VIDEO]

WILCOX: And that’s all it takes?

LEE: That’s it Randy.

WILCOX: Let’s talk about price. How bad is it going to hurt my bank account to buy one of these custom firearms?

LEE: That’s like asking how much a dinner costs. The answer is that it depends a lot on what options you choose. I’ll tell you that are most popular model costs about $400, but you can get a bare bones model cheaper. With all the bells and whistles, it’s still less than $1000.

WILCOX: Wow, that’s about half of what you’d pay for a really nice factory made rifle, and a lot less than one made by hand.

LEE: The Haikili is by far the cheapest custom rifle you can buy, and it’s quality is on par with the finest handmade firearms you can find. I think we’re at the beginning of a firearm renaissance, and I plan on leading the charge.

WILCOX: I’m sure a lot of viewers have been waiting for something like this. I know I have been concerned that it was getting too hard to get a gun in Maui. This makes the process much easier, especially for travelers.

LEE: Yeah, someone who has veiled to Lahaina can have a really good rifle in less than an hour. I think that’s something we can all be happy about.

WILCOX: Well, I’m sold. Thanks for coming in, and talking about your gun Ano. Can we go to the range, and try one of these amazing rifles out now?

LEE: Thanks for having me Randy. Let’s go and blast holes through a couple cans of SSHAM.

September 9, 2048

Duracave Recalls Popular Toy Kits That Contain Machetes and Other Dangerous Items

This morning, Duracave, the popular maker of survival products and systems, has recalled their “Little Liberty Survival Kits”, and their “Junior Jungle Explorer Packs”, after it was discovered that several contained real survival gear. Some parents who bought the packs found dangerous items such as hatchets, machetes, saws, flares, and even highly volatile magnesium ribbon. Duracave CEO Barrett Stone says that a mix-up in the distribution and packaging process led to the unfortunate incident, and the company will refund and replace any kit containing dangerous gear.

Branded with the slogan “Survival Is Child’s Play,” the Durave toy packs were supposed to offer kids a chance to learn about survival techniques through an instructional manual and a wide variety of survival items. The sets were supposed to include items such as: a canteen, a compass, cordage and a canvas tarp, fishing lines and hooks, and several of the company’s “Complete Dinners In a Can,” like Fred’s Famous Raccoon Noodles. However, what some children found inside their kits were sharp blades and dangerous incendiary fire starters.

Stone says a limited number of kits were packed with the wrong items, but the problem is limited to Maui. “We don’t believe that any of the kits in question made it to the mainland.” Barrett says that he understands some of the concern expressed by parents, but thinks the media coverage is a bit overblown.

“We actually considered addressing this issue by just changing the recommended age range to 13+ instead of 6 and above. I believe 13 is a great age to start swinging a machete, and learn how hot and bright magnesium is when it burns, but the lawyers pushed for a total recall, and that’s what we’re doing. I think it’s important to remember that only a few kits contained a handful of questionable items. Mostly kids got a compass, the stuff to make a lean-to, and some cans of food that are guaranteed to be shelf stable for 50 years, hardly anything to get worked up about. We believe that you’re never too young to prepare for the worst, in order to live your best. That’s what these kits are designed for, educating children in a fun way about the rigors of survival.”

Parents who purchased the tainted toy packs however feel like they learned a different lesson, “I’ll never buy anything for my son again without thoroughly looking through it,” says Tanager Lane resident Shelby Pio. Shelby was one of a handful of parents who discovered dangerous items inside the kit she bought her 9-year-old son.

“I came home to find that Troy had hacked down the hibiscus bush in he front yard, and had lit a whole roll of magnesium ribbon in a trash can in his room. The entire house was filled with smoke. It not only burned out the bottom of the can, but all the way through the floor, and also into one of the floor joists. We’re lucky the whole house didn’t catch on fire! This kit not only put my son and home in danger, but now we’re in violation of the neighborhood’s mandatory hibiscus program, and our HOA president called in the building inspector to make sure my house was still safe for habitation. This Junior Jungle Pack has cost me a lot of sleepless nights, and daily fines until the gardener can replace the shrubbery. I would say it is definitely not kid friendly.”

The public uproar has caused an unexpected surge in price for improperly packed kits. Despite, or because of the potentially dangerous items inside, one of the tainted packs can sell for upwards of $1000 now, as collectors buy up as many as they can before they are turned into Duracave. Randy Wilcox, one such collector, says he plans on handing them out to his nieces and nephews for Christmas, despite what might be inside.

“I just think these things are terrific at teaching responsibility, and allowing kids to get an idea of what they are good at. I know I would have been head over heels if I got one of these things when I was young. My friends and I had to play with sharpened lawn mower blades, a bombs made of tin foil and drain cleaner when I was young. This is some top-of-the-line Duracave stuff, not something put together from what you can find in your uncle’s shed. Instead of sheltering these kids, I think it’s important for them to learn what they’re good at, and that some actions have consequences. A kid who can responsibly handle a chunk of burning magnesium might have a great future in demolitions, or the fire dancing arts. A kid who can’t, gets burned and learns a valuable life lesson. There’s no downside!”

July 13, 2048

Duracave Gets Greenlight For Line of Stomach-Turning Survival Foods

Cuisine may not be the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the name Duracave, but CEO Barrett Stone hopes he can change your mind. The company, beloved by survivalists and outdoor enthusiasts alike, just received government approval to expand their product line to include a new suite of emergency survival foods. However, if you’re looking for freeze dried fruit, vacuum sealed rice and beans, or packages of your favorite pasta, you’re out of luck. Offering entrees featuring raccoons, sea birds, and beetle larva, Duracave’s new emergency dinners are turning stomachs as well as heads.

Duracave has been one of the military’s largest contractors for decades, but the introduction of a civilian model of their mobile bunker system 20-years-ago, propelled the company into the public eye. One of the biggest and most successful providers of outdoor gear and technology, the Duracave brand has gained an almost rabidly loyal following.

Branded as “Complete Dinners in a Can,” Duracave canned meals are guaranteed to be shelf stable for up to 50 years. (Barrett claims that the meals will last much longer, but the government won’t allow the company to print how long it can actually last on the label.) Each meal is radiated, then fortified with vitamins and minerals to make every can a complete meal. “Three cans a day, some fresh water, and a little sunlight is all you need to make it through any disaster,” says Stone. Despite the nutritional claims and impressive expiration date, many have questioned the company’s choice of less-than-mouth-watering ingredients. They say the meals are potentially dangerous, and more about being sensational than healthy, a claim that Stone vehemently denies.

“What people don’t understand is that when it all goes to hell, your options are limited. It doesn’t matter if it’s: a nuclear or biological attack, the government unleashing a neutron bomb, a comet strike, or all this veil travel finally destabilizing the Earth’s orbit, and leading to the next ice age, whatever the cause of those final days, the first things to go are the large animals. We tailored these products with that in mind.

We spent many months with some of the finest cooks from around the world to make sure each can tastes almost as good as freedom itself. Some of my favorite meals include: Gull and Gravy, Squirrel Loaf, and Fred’s Famous Raccoon Noodles. We have a number of snack items too like Roach Butter in smooth and extra crunchy styles, and hog cheese. We even have a drink made from mealworms called Grub Juice, for all those smoothie lovers out there.

Nobody can store enough food for a lifetime, and eventually you’ll need to supplement your stores with the real thing. We purposely chose animals that we believe survivors could find in the wild after a cataclysm. Not only will you get all the nutrition you need in each can, you’ll be developing a taste for the kinds of things you’re likely to find living in the rubble. It’s similar to the way you’d transition a pet into a new food a little at a time. The last thing you want in a survival situation is for your stomach to be too weak or irritable to take in the foods you need.”

Even with Mr. Stone’s assurances, not everyone is convinced of the palatability or nutritional benefits of raccoon noodles. Some even say that the foods are potentially dangerous. Food safety activist, and Department of Health Senior Inspector Betsy Kaukau says that despite having permission from the federal government to sell the products, the State is looking into possible ways to ban the canned meals across the islands.

“Duracave has been less than forthcoming about their suppliers, and the legality of using some of the animals in their products. For instance, many types of gulls are protected, and we want to know where they are getting the birds for their repulsive marketing campaign,” says Kaukau. She adds, “Let’s be honest. This is about stirring up controversy, pure and simple. Nobody is going to eat a spread made from cockroaches on their toast in the morning, unless it’s on a dare. The State of Hawaii wants no part of this potentially dangerous publicity stunt.”

Despite Kaukau’s statements, Barrett says the company is 100% serious about the unusual meals. He says,

“I understand the reaction in some people, but we are committed to provide our customers with the best options and tools available in a crisis situation. Survival is a dirty business, and you may find yourself forced to do and eat things that you wouldn’t normally. After it all comes crashing down, we can’t tell you what to do when you find a survivor with a potentially contagious disease, or when strangers show up and ask to share your water. What we can do is give you a taste for the foods you’re likely to find, and provide a good head start to your survival journey. At Duracave we don’t want you to just survive. We want you to thrive!”

May 4, 2048

Duracave Donates Triage Tents To Help Treat Hurricane Victims

The fallout from hurricane Neki, which made landfall early Saturday morning, will be felt for years in West Maui, but many who were injured in the storm are feeling the aloha spirit today thanks to Duracave. The company best known for high-end survival gear and portable power supplies has donated several mobile triage tents to the Lahaina Medical Center to help house and treat victims of the hurricane. Thousands of are homeless this morning and hundreds are injured from the wrath of Neki.

Nearly 400 area residents are injured filling local medical facilities well beyond capacity. That number is expected to grow substantially as rescue teams comb through the rubble. While many companies like Veilcorp and Manimal are providing shelter and energy drinks to survivors, Duracave’s donation solves a logistical nightmare for medical personnel working in Lahaina.

“When we saw all the victims left in Neki’s wake we knew we had to do something,” says Duracave CEO Barret Stone. “Duracave is about providing the tools necessary to survive and thrive in the worst conditions nature and political cabals can throw at you. Neki was bad but we’re better.”

“Not all tents are created equal. Our Liberator Modular Tenting System is the most advanced and most secure shelter devised by mankind. Resilient to extreme heat and cold, able to withstand hurricane force winds, and monsoon rains our ultra-tarp material can even keep out many first generation nerve agents. Paired with one of our innovative generators and featuring a negative pressure environment, the Liberator makes the perfect triage environment for you and a buddy, or a whole platoon. It keeps the smell of war and contagions in and any worries out. I use a mid-sized Liberator system as a mobile abattoir on my ranch. Believe me, if it can keep the smell of a 12 ton gut pile from getting out it can contain any disease.”

“The tents were a godsend,” says Director Dalia Forsythe. The Lahaina Medical Center has been hit especially hard. With supplies and personnel already stretched thin the facility simply didn’t have space for all the sick and injured. “We were treating people in supply closets,” she adds.

“Without these tents we would have lost lives. It’s that simple. This morning there was an explosion that injured dozens of rescue workers and may have exposed them to 127 and other toxic materials. Luckily, we now have the room to keep them quarantined until we know what they were exposed to. I’m not the kind of person who would usually talk highly of Duracave and their well-shared political views but they really came through as a company. There is no doubt that they helped us save lives. The hurricane has caused a lot of struggles but I’m amazed at how quickly everyone has come together to help. It makes me proud of my Hawaiian neighbors.”

Not everyone is singing the praises of Duracave however. Despite Forsythe’s admiration for the company, one Lahaina resident calls the tents an eyesore. Elizabeth Stonegate, President of the Tanager Lane Homeowners Association, worries that the tents will discourage new people from moving to the area. “We’re really missing a great opportunity to rebuild a more sophisticated Lahaina,” she says.

“I realize that Neki hurt a lot of people and my heart goes out to them but the truth of the matter is that Mother Nature has offered us a great opportunity. Many of the homes that were destroyed were older traditional dwellings. The kind of places they call “quaint” in real estate listings. We all know what quaint means, and how quaint doesn’t raise property values. Lahaina has changed a lot in the past decade. It’s growing into a beautiful modern city and Neki has helped clean up some of our problematic areas. Since many of those people won’t be able to afford to rebuild even with insurance money we should be courting a more financially secure class of people.

There is nothing about 4 giant sized medical tents that says, “come spend millions of dollars building a new home here.” It looks like something out of a horror movie. The whole reason a hospital has walls is so that you don’t have to be reminded of the sick. I feel terrible that people who chose not to take proper shelter were hurt by their actions but why should their bad choices impact my property values? While everyone is digging through rubble and putting up sci-fi plague tents, I’ve made sure all tree limbs and debris has been picked up in Tanager Lane. We have an unprecedented chance to reshape a more sophisticated Lahaina, let’s do all we can to make it happen and get rid of the tents before it’s too late.”

July 6, 2047

My Quest To Damage the Duracave Solar Home Generator

Dear Duracave customer support

I’m not sure you can imagine the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach when I learned that my brother-in-law Jeff had borrowed my Duracave Solar Home Generator (SHG). I couldn’t believe that I let it sit in the box for weeks after I had ordered it. I blamed myself for leaving that day, but I wanted to see how bad Neki had hit Front street. I blamed my wife for handing over such an expensive piece of equipment to someone who has such a bad track record when it comes to taking care of things. When it was returned to me fully functional and without any visible damage two weeks later, I was stunned. I knew then that I was dealing with something special. I know toughness is something that you guys focus on but I never knew how tough your stuff was. I decided it was time to find out and record it for my YouTube channel.

First, let’s get all the performance stuff out of the way. The SHG’s potassium polymer batteries are almost as amazing as its ruggedness. The batteries offer astonishing cycleability and exceptional energy efficiency. The packaging materials say the unit pushes 98% efficiency but I haven’t really sat down and tried to figure out the numbers. All I can say is that according to Jeff, it only took a few hours of sunlight to charge the batteries enough to last all day. However, it was the “Tough as nails” and the “Lasts as long as the sun” claims that I found most intriguing.

You have to understand, Jeff is a walking disaster. He has been in an accident with every car he’s ever owned, and totaled most. My wife’s parents just stopped replacing windows in the house when she was little because he broke so many. I have no idea how many doors, counters, and floors he damaged as a kid. He once borrowed a shovel to help my mother-in-law transplant her roses and returned it bent. How do you bend a shovel transplanting flowers? My SHG spent 16 days with the embodiment of recklessness and yet didn’t even have a scratch, so I decided to spend some time figuring out just how tough it was.

I’m no engineer but I know that water and electronics get along as well as Jeff and the good china, so that was my first test. I filled the tub almost to the top, set up the tripod, and heaved the unit in. Imagine my surprise when I found that the satisfying crack I had heard was the tub and not my SHG. After a minute the weight of the generator opened the crack wide and I could hear water pouring into the basement. I stared as the water level quickly dropped below the dials and red indicator lights without a flicker. It had survived the tub.

I was surprised at how difficult it was to get the unit up on the roof by myself. If I have any complaint about your product it is the weight. Something about the size of a trashcan should weigh less that 80kgs. Anyway, after some rope and pulley finagling, I found myself overlooking the driveway with my trusty SHG by my side. I crouched behind the generator and took a deep breath. I pushed with everything I had. I pushed so hard that I almost went tumbling down with it. I caught a glimpse of the SHG tumbling end over end as I fell flat on my face and grabbed the camera before it fell too. I heard a crunching noise and smiled knowing that I had found the limits of Duracave toughness. As I stood, my smile disappeared. The crunching had been the driveway. A series of cracks had been formed where the corner of the unit had hit. It was lying on its back with its little red lights looking at me like nothing had happened. It had survived the fall from the roof.

I knew then that things were serious. I drug the SHG into the back yard and went inside the house to get my gun. I’m not a violent man by nature but this thing was starting to unnerve me. I positioned it in the corner of the yard against the stone wall to account for any errant shot and slowly pulled the trigger. There was a pinging noise but nothing else: no mark, no crack, no scratch, nothing. I aimed at one of the little red lights and squeezed. It didn’t crack. It didn’t stop. I began to crank off round after round, as fast as I could, hoping that dumb luck and volume would find a weak point in the SHG casing. I was so shocked that a full clip was unable to leave anything but the slightest smudge, that I barely noticed one of the bullets had ricocheted and was now lodged in my thigh. It had survived being shot, but I wasn’t sure I would.

The decision to drive myself to the hospital wasn’t one of my best, but I had lost a significant amount of blood at this point. Maybe that’s why I took the time to load the generator into the car with me. I just felt like we had shared something extraordinary and wanted to bring it along to explain what had happened to me. I soon grew more dizzy and started to have trouble focusing on the road. I guess I had sensed that I didn’t have long and decided to speed up in order to make it in time. I’m not really sure, the next 20 minutes are a confused jumble to me.

Evidently I passed out going 50 mph and hit a tree with the SHG sitting in the passenger seat next to me. I don’t remember the sudden stop, just being launched through the windshield. Everything slowed as I passed through the glass and flew into the cool air. I watched the generator flying though the air with me, it’s little lights flashing in defiance before I landed in the bushes. At least I think I did, like I said, everything was kind of a confusing blur. I remember asking about it as the paramedics pulled me from the foliage and strapped me to the board. I could see it lying facedown in the mud before they put me inside the ambulance. I asked, “Are the lights still on?” before blacking out.

When I was finally released from the hospital, the first thing I did was review the in-car footage. After seeing where the SHG punched a hole in the greenery, I went back to look, and found it just as I remembered, face down in the dirt. I took a deep breath and turned it over as gently as I could with my arm still in a cast. No lights, no sound. I felt like I’d been punched, and thought I might pass out for a second. Then I remembered the auto-off feature. Slowly I pressed the button with my swollen finger and I could hear a faint whirring inside. I wiped the dirt off the front panel and was greeted by those determined little red lights. The SHG had survived the car accident! I had tried to destroy your generator many times that day and it had always survived. I have great respect for that. Short of launching it into the sun or getting the Argonauts to leave it between the Clashing Rocks this thing will be there for you. It’s not tough as nails. It’s tougher.

July 28, 2046

Tag: Duracave