Keeping Tanager Lane a Spectacular Place

Hello fellow homeowners. The past 6 months have been a trying time for all of us. With all of my daily duties as president of the HOA you can imagine how hard it’s been for me in particular. I think we can all agree that my leadership has been one of the few bright spots in these dark days. Most of you have done an adequate job of keeping up your standards, and celebrating the Tanager Lane way of life. Unfortunately, there are a few items that need some improvement, and a couple of individuals that need to start doing a better job at modeling acceptable behavior to their children. Remember, they’re like little sponges. If they get exposed to the mess created by people not fulfilling their obligations, they’ll just soak it all up. Nobody should want that.

Let’s start out by addressing a few issues that everyone can work on. I instituted the mandatory hibiscus program for a reason, not because I just felt like it one day, and not on a whim. The hibiscus flower is one of the most recognized blossoms and a symbol of the island to many. We want visitors to the neighborhood to see the flowers, and imagine peace and a carefree way of life. That’s why I made it mandatory! You’ve entrusted me, and my vision to lead this association so I’m having a hard time figuring out why some of you have not properly pruned your plants.

I’m not unreasonable. I understand that the world has become a drastically different place. I think that’s all the more reason to hold onto our high standards and strive to live up to them. Without standards and specifications, we are no better than the creatures running around out there. That brings me to the next item on my list, cleaning up after combat.

Evidently, the world is full of horrors now. I looked into it as best as I could, but nobody seems to have any kind of answer that makes sense to me. What I do understand, is that from time to time some of us will have to defend our lives until this whole mess gets sorted out. I understand that defense will sometimes involve weapons and the mess associated with shooting a creature who is trying to eat your children in the driveway. What I don’t understand, Shelby, is why there would still be blood marks on your patio days after saving your kid’s lives. You did it. The hard part is over. Is it really too much to ask to take a few minutes and scrub away the stains?

I’m sorry to be so blunt but I’m beginning to feel like I’m the only one who is serious about living up to the criteria clearly laid out in the agreements we all signed. Unless I’m mistaken, you elected me as president, many times I might add, because you knew I wouldn’t take a day off or let expectations slip. Just because the world has descended into chaos doesn’t mean we have to as well.

I’m told that family can be very helpful in dealing with stress, and many of us consider our pets to be part of the family. I personally love to watch my cats chase little things through the shrubs, and toy with them. It makes me feel so happy to see them embrace their nature. Like many of you, one of my cats has begun to glow quite brightly at night. Because I’m responsible and believe strongly in respecting the association’s lighting rules, I now keep Elvira inside. Imagine my surprise when many of you did not follow my example. I assumed you would get the hint when I began to pin blankets around your unattended glowing pets, but I was wrong. Consider this a written warning about keeping your bright and bushy-tailed loved ones inside at night. Some of you should also watch what you say in front of them.

Lastly, we have had quite a lot of trouble with unruly kids. They’re running across lawns, making noise during quiet hours, and attracting quite a bit of attention from the things lurking in the woods. I’m sympathetic that school has been canceled for quite some time now, but I encourage you to keep better track of them and ensure that they start to follow the rules. I know a number of you have lost a spouse and find it difficult to manage your day-to-day lives, let alone a rowdy child. If that is the case may I suggest that you consider letting someone else take your children until you’re able to be a responsible parent again? It’s not fair to your children and our home values to allow gangs of them to run amok. Please don’t take this as some sort of invitation from me to take on your obligations. Believe me, I have enough on my plate making sure everyone lives up to Tanager Lane expectations.

We’ve made it a long time now thanks to my focus and the rules we’ve all agreed on. If we want to keep Tanager Lane beautiful we need to do better. I’m doing my part and trying really hard to help you do yours.

20th Annual Hulathon Forced To Reroute Over Preservation Zone Rules

It’s known as the most beautiful run in the world amongst competitive runners, and provides millions of dollars for charity every year, but for the first time in its long history, the Hulathon will be forced to alter its route. After a prolonged legal battle, race organizers have been forced to move the race course to a stretch of the Honoapiilani Highway, and off the trails of the breathtaking West Maui forests that the race is famous for. Organizers say that the change will have a huge impact on not only the marathon itself, but also the funding of many local charities.

Started in 2030 as way to honor the lives lost in the battle of Kepaniwai and celebrate Hawaiian history, the Hulathon has become one of the most popular events in Maui. Last year over 31,000 ran in the event making it one of the largest marathons in the world.

While the event raises money for a number of causes, Office of Hawaiian Culture (OHC) spokesperson Ike Hoomana, says that the race’s connection to the past is what makes it particularly special. “We celebrate the native Hawaiians with this run through the Iao Valley, honoring all the brave people who died there in the battle of Kepaniwai. One of the fiercest battles ever fought in Hawaiian history, the armies of King Kahekili II, led by his son Kalanikupule, fought the forces of Kamehameha to a standstill for 2 days. Both sides were evenly matched and exhausted when two cannons named “Lopaka” and “Kalola” joined the fray, and the forces of Kamehmeha finally broke the opposing army. So many lives were lost in the Iao Valley that day, that the rivers became blocked by the dead and it would become known as the “Battle of the Dammed Waters of ʻĪao”. What makes the Hulathon great is that you get to run through nature over the same path that these brave Hawaiians did. The flowers, the trees, and the lava fields remind us how important peace and beauty are.”

Stonegate dismisses the idea that the route of the course is integral to a successful Hulathon. She says that the race had been breaking preservation zone rules for years and that she’s simply doing her job. “There were a number of issues with the Hulathon’s path. Having that many people tearing up the soil with their running shoes was causing serious erosion issues. Many important plant species were trampled during the event. In addition, all the excessive cheering disrupted the nesting patterns of endangered birds. I know that I found the sound distant clapping during the event almost intolerable, I can only imagine how hard it was for these fragile animals. The plastic cups and other trash was also a huge issue. Everyone would go home and we’d be left pulling little cups out of the bushes for days. My simple requests that drinks not be provided along the course was flatly denied because they said it was a potential health risk. When I pointed out that they rehydrate you with IVs at the hospital, and not numerous little plastic cups of water, they adjourned the meeting without discussion. But somehow I’m being portrayed as the unreasonable one. Instead of trying to stir up controversy, the race organizers should thank me. The new course is amazing.”

Since its inception, the marathon started under the shadow of the old banyon tree in Kamehame Beach Park just south of Lahaina, ran into the forest, and through the lush Ioa Valley, twisting its way to the finish line on the scenic Waihee trail. The new course would see competitors running back and forth between Kamehameha Iki Park and Black Rock Beach to the North along the Honoapiilani Highway, a decidedly less awe inspiring route.

Stonegate says that the media is focusing too hard on organizer complaints and ignoring the numerous benefits of the new course. “First, there’s the fact that the paved course is much safer for the runners. Every year, you see dozens of sprained knees and twisted ankles caused by the uneven trails. It should be much easier for photojournalists to cover as well, the lighting along the highway is amazing and it’s much easier to get to than the cliffs of Ioa. I can’t imagine how much free time someone has to have in order to have a favorite runner, but if you do, you now have the chance to see them multiple times as they go back and forth over the course. This increased exposure to the competitors has other benefits too. Imagine how bad out of shape people will feel watching these athletes run past them all day. While it might not feel good at the time, everyone knows what an effective motivator shame can be. Sometimes the best medicine tastes the worst. Instead of nitpicking and complaining, maybe the organizers should focus on making their race a success. After all, it is only a week away.”

Transcript: SSHAM Expansion Focus Group Session 7

Moderator: First, I’d like to thank you all for agreeing to be part of this special breakout session today. You four seemed to have the strongest opinions about SSHAM, SSHAM branding, and additions to the SSHAM family. Now, to level set the discussion would you all briefly describe how you feel about SSHAM and the SSHAM brand of products.

Elizabeth: This may not be what you want to hear, but sometimes people need to hear the truth. I think it stinks, literally. I just can’t get over the smell. It’s like a garbage can filled with herring and garlic slowly burning on a windy day. I eat SSHAM at the Rotary Club once a year because it’s a tradition, but I never have it at home.

Kevin: I appreciate the thorough labeling on SSHAM cans, and your non-deceptive advertising. One of the worst things a company can do is lie to their potential customer base even when the information may not be flattering. For instance, I appreciate that you can easily confirm on the packaging that one slice of SSHAM contains 120% of your recommended daily intake of sodium, also the loaves in the commercial look almost exactly like the product when it comes out of the can. A big-slightly-moist brick of slurry meat.

Ano: Sorry to be that guy, but everything really. I love SSHAM. I haven’t found a type that I didn’t like. I even liked the coffee flavored SSHAM when it was around. I like it boiled, grilled, baked, fried, sous-vide, heck, I’ll eat it straight out of the can.

Gary: I like SSHAM too. I’m not sure I’d eat it out of a can, but I think it’s good. Sorry, I came here today hoping that I’d get to see one of the shrigs. Are we going to get a chance to see one today?

Moderator: Shrigs?

Gary: Yeah, the shrimp-pig hybrids that SSHAM is made from.

Kevin: Shrigs are what is known as an urban legend. That is a story usually passed by word of mouth that…..

Ano: Shrigs aren’t real

Gary: Like they don’t exist in nature?

Elizabeth: There’s no such thing as shrigs. SSHAM is just a bunch of pig parts that nobody wants to use for anything chopped up and blended with shrimp parts, chemicals, and spices.

Gary: Is that true? I guess I don’t want any chemicals in my body, for sure.

Moderator: SSHAM is a mixture of select pork products mixed with shrimp and a secret blend of spices to enhance it’s natural flavor. I assure you, there is no strange shrimp creatures in a can of SSHAM. Let’s move on. What would you say is your favorite flavor of SSHAM.

Elizabeth: Like I said, I reluctantly eat SSHAM First Pressing Reserve once a year.

Ano: Oh man, that’s like asking which one of your kids is your favorite? I love SShamplete, the meal replacement drinks and SSHAM Extra Dark for the increased umami flavor. I guess those are my favorites

Kevin: I prefer SShlobster flavor. It’s very creamy and I can actually go down to the docks and see the deformed crustaceans used in its creation. You can really taste how soft the shells are in each slice. It tastes just like you’d expect it to.

Gary: So SSHAM Extra Spicy isn’t made from shrigs that lived on an exclusive pepper diet? You guys just add spicy stuff to the meat shake you’re making?

Moderator: How would you feel about SSHAM offering international flavors? What sorts of flavors would you like to see in the future?

Kevin: I don’t have what I’d consider to be a good palate and this question is beyond the areas of my expertise. I’d just ask that you keep the labeling clear and honest. Other than that, I don’t feel comfortable answering.

Elizabeth: Anything that doesn’t smell or taste like SSHAM would be a good start.

Ano: I think it’s be super cool to add international flavors. I bet there are a lot of asian flavors in particular that would be very good. Maybe add some different proteins like bison, sheep or lamb, duck, or turkey for Thanksgiving or something. Man, you got me thinking now. Just about anything would be awesome! Sorry my brain is just all over the place thinking about the possibilities.

Gary: I don’t know what it’s officially called, but I really like the taste of the #12 from China House down the street from me. Sorry, I just can’t believe that shrigs aren’t real. I mean, I feel like I’m the last kid to find out Santa isn’t real. It’s just blowing my mind. It’s like your gonna tell me that there’s no such thing as a bologna cow next.

Kevin: Bologna is actually a fine ground sausage usually made from pork, bits of pork fat, and spices to make a flavorful meat with a distinctive taste and smooth texture. It can also be made with a number of other animal proteins, most commonly beef and turkey.

Gary: So there’s no bologna cows and beef bologna in the store is just some kind of huge sausage sliced thin?

Moderator: I feel like we’re getting off track. Can we please try and focus on the questions before us and SSHAM. Thank you. Now, on a scale of 1-10 1 being “absolutely will not” and 10 being “I absolutely will” how likely would you say you are to try a new SSHAM flavor when it’s available in the store?

Kevin: I feel like this question is an invasion of my privacy and that you are trying to leverage some sort of subliminal peer pressure in us, and I find it unacceptable. I choose not to answer this question and would encourage the others not to answer it as well.

Elizabeth: I would say -15.

Ano: 10, absolutely a 10. I’m a SSHAM man. What can I say? If you it slice it, I will eat it.

Gary: So I know that not every meat is named what it is made of. Pastrami is brined smoked beef, and ham is pork. Turkey is turkey of course but are you sure that there aren’t bologna cows or shrigs? What about corned beef? That’s cows that eat a lot of corn right?

Kevin: Actually, like pastrami, corned beef is simply a cured preparation of beef, but instead of smoking the cured meat at the end you boil it until…..

Moderator: Again, I feel like we’re getting offtopic. Can we please just focus on the questions I have about SSHAM. How do you feel about our past promotions and what would you like to see us do in future promotions.

Kevin: That is the second time you’ve rudely interrupted me. Coupled with your subliminal tactics, and your ham-handed attempt to ascertain the likelyhood of my future SSHAM purchases, I refuse to participate any further. Your aggression towards me is uncalled for and unprofessional. I request that you provide me with a take home questionnaire so I can still express my opinions to the company without your combative demeanor getting in the way, and tainting my thoughts and expressions.

Elizabeth: Wow! This spiraled down the drain in a hurry. I’d suggest just avoiding some of the mistakes of the past, like the bits of metal in Iron SSHAM and avoid using toxic shrimp like you did a few years ago. On second thought, just keep doing what you are doing. It seems to be working for you, and the unfortunate individuals who actually like your canned meat loaf.

Ano: I love reading the SSHAM Stories page for inspiration, and we get a lot of cool ideas for using the cans at the maker commune. Of course SSHAM Fest is the best. It’s the only time of year that I can eat enough SSHAM. I’d say that you should expand into other foods. Stuff like snacks, cereal, or ice cream. Be creative. Challenge my taste buds and my thoughts about what SSHAM can be.

Gary: So what’s salami? I feel like everyone just wants to move on and not acknowledge just how confusing lunch meat, and this whole “there’s no shrigs” thing is. I know you get bacon from a certain part of the pig but where do you get the hot dogs from? Am I the stupid one here? Do most people really know this? Did they show us a film about shrigs not being real and meat slurries when we were kids? Was I sick that day? I feel like maybe the formation of some sort of educational initiative is in order!

Moderator: Thank you all very much for your time.

Massive SSHAM Theft Ends With Crash

An extended police chase through Lahaina came to an end last night, when 28-year-old Rodger Hihio crashed a tractor trailer, spilling 24 tons of stolen artisanal SSHAM. Responding to a call about a theft at the area processing plant, police soon located Hihio traveling down Front street. According to the report, the suspect refused to stop, and a hour-long chase ensued with Hihio running roadblocks and driving down trails in the preservation zone. The chase finally came to a conclusion when he lost control and crashed into the controversial barrier wall surrounding the Lahaina neighborhood of Tanager Lane, sending thousands of cans of SSHAM First Pressing Reserve flying through the air.

Hihio had worked as a fulfillment specialist at the factory for over 10 years and has no criminal background, but co-workers say he had recently became “troubled”. According to those close to him, Rodger had become convinced that a worldwide cataclysm was looming and that SSHAM would become more valuable than gold.

Hihio’s family says the trouble started this Spring after a trip to a family reunion. “He called me as soon as he got home, I could barely understand what he was talking about,” says his brother James. “I told him to calm down and talk slowly. He told me that he had a vision when he was traveling back through the veil. I thought he was playing a prank on me at first, but he was serious. He said the world was about to end and only a few of us were going to survive. He started talking about how important having water, guns, and SSHAM was. He said we needed to start stockpiling as much as we could. We tried to get him help but he refused to see anyone.”

Rodger began to share his apocalyptic SSHAM beliefs at work as well. Coworkers say that he would talk for hours about the antiseptic properties of the beloved canned meat product, as well as its multitude of other uses. Fellow employee Craig Luahi says that Hihio become obsessed.

“All he would do in his free time is read the SSHAM Stories page and take notes. Don’t get me wrong, I love working for SSHAM, and it is an amazingly versatile product, but we all need some downtime that doesn’t involve canned meat. Rodger said that SSHAM was going to be one of the most important commodities after the fall of civilization and that people would be willing to kill over it. I’m not sure who contacted HR, but I know management had a talk with him and he stopped talking about his beliefs during work hours. I could tell he really believed what he was saying though. That’s why I knew something was up when I saw him pulling away from the loading dock. All shipments that large, especially the premium SSHAM, go in the automated trucks now. I called the supervisor and she contacted the police.”

Hihio was spotted driving the stolen truck on Front Street within minutes of the call and police tried to initiate a traffic stop, but he refused to pull over. For the next hour authorities chased Hihio up and down the Honoapiilani Highway, down preservation zone trails, across lawns and throughout the Lahaina area. Stop sticks did little to slow down the desperate man. Authorities say they called off the pursuit numerous times out of fear that the suspect would injure innocent bystanders or destroy the load with his erratic driving and reckless speeds.

Eventually Hihio lost control trying to drive across a drainage ditch and smashed into the wall surrounding Tanager Lane, spilling tons of SSHAM over a wide area. Rodger was taken into custody after a brief struggle, and crews continue this morning to clean up the area. Authorities say that the damage could have been much worse and that the wall surrounding the Lahaina neighborhood “saved numerous lives.”

A SSHAM spokesperson says the company plans on strengthening security procedures and regrets that Mr. Hihio did not avail himself of the counseling offered. They add, “While Rodger clearly was a confused young man, he definitely had very good taste. SSHAM First Pressing Reserve is the epitome of processed meat products, and available for a very brief window every year. Thankfully, a portion of the stolen load survived the accident.”

Elizabeth Stonegate, Tanager Lane HOA President and Compliance Liaison to the Mayor’s Office, says that the incident was alarming but confirms the need for the wall around the neighborhood.

“I don’t know that there could have been a more perfect example of why we need the barrier wall around Tanager Lane. I hope this finally silences my critics. I know the police have credited the barrier with saving lives, but to be perfectly honest, I’m not sure. Who could see a smoking semi being chased by a dozen police cars with lights and sirens blaring, and not know enough to get out of the way? As HOA President what I’m more interested in is all the property damage it saved, and the preservation zone violations it prevented. My mandatory hibiscus planting program has increased home values at least 1.5% since it began. I shudder to think of the damage a semi truck with a crazed driver could have done to the lawns around the neighborhood. On top of that, the whole area where he crashed stinks. I’m sure we’ll have to deal with a few more seabirds flying over the area for the next few days. However, that’s nothing compared to the hordes of animals that are going to be attracted to that shrimpy stench. Without a wall to keep them out, our 100% preservation zone compliance rating might have been in danger. Thankfully, none of the landscaping was damaged by this lunatic and his truckload of fancy canned meat. This could have turned into a major issue!”

Lahaina Advertiser Corrections & Clarifications

The Lahaina Advertiser is committed to bringing you news and content that informs, engages, and entertains. We pride ourselves with holding the highest editorial and journalistic standards, delivering to our readers accurate, impartial, and timely stories. However, mistakes are sometimes made. When errors are brought to our attention, we seek to publish corrections and clarifications promptly and transparently. This page brings together in one place all of the corrections and clarifications made to The Lahaina Advertiser across print and digital platforms, whether as a result of complaints or further developments in a story.

April 24, 2050

  • This Mutant Crayfish Clones Itself, and It’s Taking Over Maui


An earlier version of this story misspelled the scientific name for the Red Swamp Crayfish. It is Procambarus clarkii, not Procambarus clak. Also, we have been informed that the crayfish in question does not have the ability to clone itself, and was introduced in 1923, contrary to our assertion that its presence is a mystery. Hula Noodle owner Ralph Umeke did want us to stress that the clarkii are “nasty” and nearly inedible, even with copious handfuls of garlic.

  • Randy Wilcox, Trailblazing Reality TV and Streaming Star, Dies at 46


Although seriously injured, Randy Wilcox is very much alive and recovering in the Lahaina Medical Center. Some of our readers also took issue with calling Mr. Wilcox a “star” or even “Mr.”, the latter of which is a requirement of our manual on style.

April 25, 2050

  • Veilcorp Studies Security Policies and Sees “Little Risk” to Bottom Line


An earlier version of this story misstated the portion of Veilcorp’s business that the company estimates would be affected by stricter global security policies. A spokesperson for Veilcorp says the company’s internal security protocols already exceed the measures proposed, and would not affect operations at all.

April 26, 2050

  • Hailoha Defends New Sea Service


We had mistakenly reported that Mayor Albert Cravalho had no comment on the matter. However, he had actually called for a closer look into the business, and threatened to shut down the water-based ride share service.

  • Six Films to Stream if You Loved “Veil of Terror: A Bride’s Nightmare”


Many of you suggested that Veil of Terror stands alone as one of the worst movies ever made. Readers suggested that the jerky camera work, ham-handed storyline, and actors taking on more than one role, made the film unlike any other, and trying to attach some similarity to six other films was not fair. On further review, we agreed and removed the story altogether. One of the complaints was in Esperanto, and went unresponded to.

  • What Cameras On Monk Seals Show Us: It’s Tough Out There


An earlier version of this article misstated the amount of weight lost by some seals in the study. The seals that stay around Maui during the summer lost as much as 10 percent of their body mass, not 80 percent.

  • A reader tells us that after 31 years of entering the jumble rumble competition, she finally won, only for us to spell her name incorrectly. Congratulations go to Helen Kapua and not Harold Kaper. Apologies Helen.

April 28, 2050

  • PZ Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate Forced Into Apology For Maligning Civil Service


This article was amended after Mrs. Stonegate pointed out that she had in fact not apologized yet, and had no plan to. In addition, an earlier version misnamed the Center for Hawaiian Political Reform as the Center for Hawaiian Political Research.

  • What do Students Really Expect To Learn at the University of Maui Lahaina College?


This article was pulled after it was discovered that Kimberly Hekili, the only individual interviewed, was not a current student but rather had attended the unversity in 2046.

April 29, 2050

  • Hundreds of County Parks Ordered Closed Across Lahaina


We mistakenly said that more than 500 parks have closed in Lahaina since 2034 due to budget cuts. Greg Iona from the DLNR pointed out that there aren’t that many parks on the whole island, and that it was actually trails that were closed. In addition, the number of closed trails since 2034 was 5, not 500.

  • Over 1,100 years later, scientists discover what probably killed the Mayans


This article was amended to correct the spelling of Vindox Ashlidele’s name from Vindix Vagene. It was further amended for historical accuracy. While there is evidence that the Mayans had tobacco and probably smoked it, commercial cigarettes as we know them didn’t exist until the 1800’s. In addition, it is unlikely that there existed a Mesoamerican marketing campaign targeting young Mayans.

April 30, 2050

  • Unpaid internships in Lahaina now cost more than $3,500 a month


This article was amended to clarify that the cost of living in Lahaina was actually 3.5 times higher than the national average and not 2 times higher. In addition an estimated 1,000 graduates will have unpaid internships in a Lahaina business this year, not 10,000.

  • Dr. Adler Walters on the Cutting-Edge Technology of Trees


This article was removed after we were made aware that some of the information Dr. Adler provided is classified, and was supposed to be off the record. We apologize to the doctor, Vereserum, and the United States Government. We ask that readers who happened to see the article, immediately forget any and all details they might have remembered.

  • Abramo Chophouse Provides 20 tons of Burger To Expand “Meat and Greet” Program


We mistakenly identified the 20 tons of meat provided to the Meat and Greet program as “Burger”. Mr. Abramo points out that in fact, 20 tons of “Bob’s Perfect Burger Blend” was provided. He asserts that referring to the blend simply as burger is akin to calling a piece of wagyu beef, jerky. We have made the requested correction in the article.

We regret these and all future errors.

Oldest Tree In Hawaii Goes Through a Mysterious Growth Spurt

Since its discovery almost 40 years ago, Okilani an ancient Ohi’a tree on Maui, has fascinated scientists. The massive plant has been estimated to be over 4,000-years-old, making it the oldest known living thing in Hawaii, and one of the oldest living nonclonal trees in the world. But it’s not the tree’s age that has scientists and researchers stumped, it’s Okilani’s recent growth spurt that has them scratching their heads. Over the past 4 years, the venerable tree has grown about 25% bigger.

The Ohi’a tree holds a special place in Hawaiian mythology. According to the stories, Ohi’a and his beautiful lover Lehua grabbed the attention of the volcano goddess Pele. She fell in love with the brave and handsome Ohi’a and approached him, but he rebuffed her advances. Enraged, Pele turned Ohi’a into a tree as punishment. The fair Lehua was devastated that she could no longer be with her true love and began to wail. The other gods heard her cries and took pity on her. They transformed her into a beautiful red flower and placed her upon the tree so the two could be together forever.

Ohi’a trees can grow in a number of difficult locations that other plants can’t. They grow readily on lava and are usually the first plants to spring up after new flows. As such, they are one of the most common trees to find in the forests of Hawaii, but Okilani stood out according to Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) agent Greg Iona.

“In 2010 a fast-moving fungal infection, Ceratocystis fimbriata, was found in Ohi’a trees around Puna. The infection soon spread North across the Big Island and eventually made it’s way to Maui. There was a very real concern that it might wipe out all the Ohi’a trees if it continued to spread. During a survey of the population in Maui, researchers spotted Okilani in the middle of a group of infected trees. It seemed to be fungus-free so they took some samples and that’s when they figured out how just how special it was. Okilani was here at least 1,000 years before the first people were, it has seen the colonization of Hawaii. It was a seedling when people were first figuring out writing. It’s an amazing thing, by far the biggest and oldest Ohi’a tree ever discovered, so there’s lots to learn yet. One of the biggest questions we have is, why did it started growing again 4 years ago?”

A handful of environmentalists say that Okilani’s recent growth is a result of Veilcorp’s Icarus project, increasing worldwide exposure to 127 (Unbiseptium). They say that the element is potentially dangerous and call on government agencies to better regulate its production until long-term studies can be completed. While there have been a number of reports about unusual animal activity in recent years, and even a small group of sea otters that now call Maui home, researchers say that there is no proof that elevated 127 levels are to blame. Vereserum botanist Adler Walters says that there is much yet to learn about the ancient tree and that speculation in useless.

“This amazing organism has so much to teach us that I don’t know why people are wasting their time on wild speculation. Unlike Yew trees or the Glass Sponge, the Ohi’a tree is not a species known for its extraordinary longevity, yet Okilani is one of the oldest living things on the planet. It was found to have a natural resistance to the fungal infection that nearly wiped out the rest of its kind and that’s just the beginning. I believe that it may help us learn more about combating diseases and the effects of climate change. Its sudden and rapid growth during this late stage in life may be perfectly natural. This is such an unusual specimen that we just can’t say what is “normal”. The only thing that is certain, is that Okilani is a fascinating organism that needs a much more thorough examination.”

Not everyone thinks that more study is necessary however. Preservation Zone Compliance Liaison Elizabeth Stonegate doesn’t see what the big deal is and is trying to limit the amount of people allowed to visit the protected area where Okilani grows. “I understand that the tree is very old but so what? It’s not like it can pass on any wisdom or tell you where the best place to have dinner is. I’m not even sure how they know that it’s getting taller. I read that the tree is supposed to be over 150 feet tall now and I thought, ‘How do they know?’ Do they make someone climb up to the top and measure it? I just had my countertops replaced and the contractors couldn’t even correctly measure 8 feet with a laser, I can’t imagine how off they’d be trying to measure something outside. It all seems like a whole lot of fuss about nothing. All I know is that my phone has been ringing off the hook lately. Most of my time is being spent going over scientific study applications instead of measuring the lengths of driveways around the zone, and ensuring that hikers aren’t walking down trails with prohibited toothpastes in their packs. I have important work to do that matters. I would encourage scientists to got to one of the many other places in the world where tall trees grow for their research and stop bothering my office with permit requests.”

Kokua Data Breach Linked To Robberies Across Hawaii

Authorities say that they believe a wave of recent bank robberies are linked to a data breach that occurred at the Kokua Wellness Center this summer. According to reports, new evidence was obtained after a pair of suspects were arrested earlier this week. Police say Scott and Elizabeth Stonegate, the suspects, were cleared but provided information that points to the Kokua incident. They now believe that the perpetrators are using the stolen information, and Newuskin technology to disguise themselves as spa customers.

It’s said that a picture is worth a thousand words, and when police reviewed the security footage of a recent bank robbery in Honolulu, the video told it all. The suspects brazenly entered without bothering to disguise themselves, and at one point looking directly at a camera. It didn’t take long for authorities to identify the individuals as Lahaina Preservation Zone Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate and her husband Scott. Within hours police surrounded the couple’s residence and took them into custody, but despite how it looked initially, the case is turning out to be much more complicated than authorities first believed.

A police spokesperson says, “After interviewing the Stonegates, and some further investigation, we determined that the people in the footage were not in fact the Stonegates despite how it appears. We now believe that the suspects in the video have used Newuskin technology to alter their appearance to that of the Stonegates. We believe the suspects used information gained from an incident this summer at the Kokua Wellness Center. We are looking into the possibility that this event is related to number of similar robberies over the past few months as well. If you have any information about these incidents or the data breach, our tiplines are open.”

There have been a handful of cases in the past involving suspects using the Newuskin process to disguise themselves before, or after committing a crime. However, this would be the first time documented by law enforcement, in which someone used the appearance of a specific person, and a Newuskin machine, as a disguise.

“I usually enjoy being a trendsetter, but this is a first that I could have done without,” says Elizabeth Stonegate.

It’s been a trying year for us and the last thing I was expecting was to have officers break down my front door and arrest us. It’s not how we usually spend our Wednesday nights around here. Luckily, we have a very good lawyer and after sharing our financial records, the police could see that we weren’t the kind of people who needed to rob a bank. The security video in my office proved that we were working at the exact time the crime occurred as well, but I couldn’t help but think what might have happened to people in our situation who were less gifted. After discussing some specifics, and seeing the video ourselves, it became apparent that the suspects were using the looks we created during the Nu-U promotion at the wellness center. We weren’t really surprised. I can see why our personal looks would be highly prized. From what we’ve seen, we have to be in the top tier of clients in terms of attractiveness, but we were shocked that they had enough data to make such convincing disguises. After all, Scott and I have very minor procedures done, unlike some of our neighbors. I guess that’s just the blessing and curse of having incredible means and genes.”

Police say they can’t get into specifics about the other cases. Lawyers for the Kokua Wellness Center say they can’t comment during an active investigation, but say the center, “Has, and always will, protect the privacy of its clients.”

Newuskin spokesperson Yvonne Masters says the company is reviewing the incident and working with officials in the case. “We take client privacy very seriously, and have temporarily halted treatments at the Kokua Wellness Center until a thorough review of safety, and security procedures can be completed. We can only imagine what the Stonegates have been through and assure others that we are doing everything at our disposal to make sure that their personal data is secure. We are just thankful that the outcome, in this case, was a positive one, and that the Stonegate’s were able to easily clear themselves of wrongdoing. Being accused of bank robbery is bad enough, but we want to catch those responsible before they do something stupid on social media, or commit some sort of faux pas on video, and do some lasting harm to our clients.”

Mayor to Address “Clean the Lane” Campaign in Public Hearing

What began as a very public neighborhood dispute has spilled over into the Lahaina political arena, as the “Clean the Lane” movement continues to gain steam. This morning, Mayor Albert Cravalho announced that he will be holding a public hearing regarding the future of preservation zone compliance liaison Elizabeth Stonegate, the focus of the campaign. Critics contend that Stonegate is unfit for the position and that she has failed to embrace and embody the “Aloha Spirit” that should represent the island.

According to Shelby Pio, Tanager Lane resident and leader of the Clean the Lane campaign, it all started with a decorative broom displayed on her front porch. Pio’s children are members of a Veil Scout troop and were learning about the art and culture of the native Hawaiians. They had invited a number of local artists who specialize in traditional creations to explain the history and significance of early Hawaiian art. Shelby says that her HOA president Elizabeth Stonegate demanded that one of the art pieces, a broom adorned with boar tusks, be removed from the property because it was “a potentially dangerous weapon”. When she refused, Stonegate fined her and promised to add additional fines everyday that the broom remained on her porch.

For many residents, including Pio, it was the last straw. Shelby accuses Stonegate of a long history of incompetence, hostility, and pettiness that has had a negative impact on the neighborhood and Lahaina in general. Outraged by Stonegate’s decision to punish Shelby over a piece of Hawaiian heritage, others began displaying similar brooms on their porch. News reports about their subsequent fining did nothing but fan the flames in the neighborhood. With the motto, “she can’t fine us all” the movement spread throughout Tanager Lane and across the Lahaina. Residents are displaying brooms or “Clean the Lane” signs as far as Block Rock Beach, and calls for Elizabeth’s removal as compliance officer have grown.

Stonegate has released a statement that reads in part,

“My job as HOA president and compliance liaison are very similar. I ensure that the rules are being followed and protect the association, as well as the preservation zone, to the best of my ability. I regret my initial reaction to the broom, but I had no idea something like that could be considered art. I now realize the benefit of teaching children about how far we’ve come as a society, and to help them appreciate that we don’t have to live like barbarians anymore. I’ve tried to explain my actions and apologize, but Shelby and the media have twisted my words, and made any meaningful dialogue impossible. Now, they want to remove me as compliance officer over a ‘lack of Aloha spirit?’ I’m not sure what that even means. I look forward to the public hearing so I can explain myself clearly, without the bias of the local news.”

Pio says she’s not surprised that Stonegate doesn’t understand the backlash. In fact, she says that is precisely the issue. “Starting in 2017, Hawaii started giving children the Character Skills Snapshot test to measure a child’s intellectual curiosity, teamwork, resilience, open-mindedness, initiative, responsibility, self-control, and social awareness. The State recognized that character was just as important to cultivate as traditional subjects in school. Hawaii has a long history of including kindness, and a sense of decency into their goals and politics. It is important to us, and something that is beyond Elizabeth’s comprehension.”

Shelby points out that the government has actually defined Aloha spirit in the Hawaii Revised Statutes HRS 5-7.5. “….’Aloha Spirit’ is the coordination of mind and heart within each person. It brings each person to the self. Each person must think and emote good feelings to others….” Pio says that Stonegate exhibits none of these characteristics and is doing irreparable harm to the image of Lahaina.

“The broom incident wasn’t the biggest issue, just the final shot in Stonegates war against civility,” says Pio. “Her list of mean spirited disasters and poor decisions is a long one. She has: Forcibly removed a beloved therapy animal from the neighborhood, created a culture of distrust and an atmosphere of fear across the island with an anonymous reporting app, approved the use of dangerous, untested maintenance drones in the neighborhood, and oversaw an ill-advised wall project that trapped 4 children, including her own son, underground for almost a week. Elizabeth Stonegate represents none of our ideals, and has no idea what having the Aloha Spirit means. Every day she is allowed to work in an official capacity is a slap in the face to everyone who embraces Hawaiian values, and does real harm to the image of Lahaina. We plan on cleaning the lane of Mrs. Stonegate, and hope the mayor will see the wisdom in removing this blemish on the reputation of Lahaina as well.”

Mayor Cravalho says he plans on delivering his official statement at the meeting, but he is, “concerned about some of the reports that have come into the office over the past few weeks.” Due to the expected high turnout, the public hearing will be held in the Pu’u high school gymnasium this Thursday, starting at 7pm.

Tourists Gobbling Up “Mouthful” Software

Love him or hate him, if you spend any time in West Maui chances are you’ve heard meat-mogul and entrepreneur “Big” Bob Abramo. If you haven’t, you soon will. “Mouthful” a popular new voice app offers users the chance to replace the notifications and sounds on their electronic device with the voice of Bob Abramo. Tourists are eating it up despite complaints from many local business owners, making it one of the most popular apps on the island.

Free if you download the Abramo Chop House’s Customer Assistant AI (CRAIG), Mouthful allows users to hear the Lahaina fixture read you the news, give directions, report the weather, give grilling tips, and even tell jokes (of an adult nature). With almost 30% of visitors actively using Mouthful, Abramo seems to have another hit on his hands.

“Mr. Abramo has been the face of Lahaina for a long time. It’s just natural that he’s the voice now too,” says Abramo Holdings Manager Brandi Essen. She adds, “Forget Veilcorp, Eric Oeming, or the preservation zone when most people come to visit they think of Big Bob Abramo. The Lahaina Zipline Tour is the most popular outdoor attraction on the island, Big Bites stores provide a unique snacking experience for millions every year, and the Abramo Chop House is a destination eatery, serving the world’s finest grilled meats. Bob with a side of fun is the bread and butter of the Lahaina tourist industry. Mouthful offers visitors a chance to listen to one of the most trusted voices on the island, and have a few laughs along the way.”

While the app is a smash with tourists, having Bob’s signature voice and outlandish personality coming from your phone is not everyone’s taste. Critics say the app is vulgar and not representative of the true Aloha spirit of the islands. “Uncle” Ralph Umeke owner of the popular Hula Noodle has banned people using the app from eating in his restaurant.

“The face and voice of Lahaina? More like the belly and jowls. That thing is constantly telling dirty jokes and there isn’t any sort of built-in filter to clean it up. The only saving grace is the smacking noises and grunts it makes covers up a lot of the profanity. It’s as awful as its creator and just like him, it’s not allowed in my shop.”

Other’s are concerned about the image that Mouthful portrays about West Maui. Elizabeth Stonegate, HOA President of the exclusive Tanager Lane neighborhood, worries that the app “sends the wrong message about Lahaina”.

“It’s just the worst thing I’ve ever heard. I couldn’t believe my ears the first time someone was using it around me. I will admit that they cook a good steak at the Chop House, but it’s also the kind of place where you can get a drink served in a pineapple. That kind of kitschy nonsense is exactly what many of us have fought hard to change around here. I held an emergency meeting of the HOA board and thankfully we were able to ratify an immediate ban of Mouthful inside the walls of the neighborhood. Feel free to tailgate in your driveway, drinking bologna beer and listening to your vulgar figurehead if that’s the kind of life you want to live, but we have standards in Tanager Lane.”

Despite the criticism, Abramo says he lets Mouthful speak for itself, and doesn’t plan on changing the tone of the app. If anything he thinks it doesn’t go far enough.

“Mouthful is the cherry on top of the customer assistance sundae we began with CRAIG. The public loves honesty and that’s what they get with Mouthful, of course, it doesn’t hurt that it sounds like me. If you’re lost or looking for something to do in Lahaina you don’t want to have to wade through options and alerts, you want to cut straight to the beating heart of the matter. Help and advice have never sounded better. If you want the real scoop about life in Lahaina, information about shows and entertainment, or just want to get tips on how to avoid vegans Mouthful is for you.”

Saying Goodbye to Mr. Sprinkles

All of Tanager Lane is heartbroken this morning. Like many of you, I am still reeling from the fire this weekend. Mrs. Nebbits has been a fixture in the neighborhood even before my ascension to HOA president. For almost 20 years the neighborhood children had a grandmotherly figure to turn to when they needed homemade cookies, or advice and a smile. Her pet pig Mr. Sprinkles was an important part of their lives as well. While Kathy and I didn’t always see things eye to eye, I tried to help her as much as I could and point out problems when I saw them. I just wish I had been more forceful in suggesting that she fix her faulty wiring and stop using so many candles. I dropped by the night of the fire but she was already asleep with Sprinkles curled up at her feet. It’s hard to believe that just a few hours later the flames would change everything.

Mr. Sprinkles’ rise to fame began 11 years ago when he broke out of his house to alert the neighbors that Mrs. Nebbits was hurt. When the paramedics finally forced open the door, they found Kathy at the bottom of the stairs unconscious and lying in a pool of blood. She had a concussion and 26 stitches in her head but she was alive. Who knows what might have happened if Mr. Sprinkles hadn’t gone for help. All of Lahaina was talking about the hero pig of Tanager Lane.

Never one to rest on her laurels, Kathy took this new found fame and she turned it into an opportunity to give back. Her and her pot-bellied partner became a weekly fixture at Molokai General. The sparkling little pig was a favorite of many patients, especially the children. Sprinkles seemed to know who needed a good laugh and who needed to be comforted with a glittery head in their lap and an encouraging oink. The pair touched and literally saved lives with their therapy work. But as the old cliche goes, sometimes bad things happen to good people. According to fire investigator Dan Kukulu, the fire started near her chair where I saw her sleeping that night. He’s unsure if the cause was one of her candles or some faulty electrical work. Whatever the point of ignition, the fire has solved one long-standing problem for me, Mr. Sprinkles.

I know many of you considered him to be the unofficial mascot of Tanager Lane, and that’s the problem. He’s unofficial. You see, even though many of you consider Mr. Sprinkles a scintillating extended family member, he is, in fact, a pig. As such, he is not allowed to be kept inside the preservation zone. The only reason he was allowed to stay with Kathy was that he was here before the rules were put in place and she sued. His exemption burned up in that fire with everything else.

Having no family of her own, it was Mrs. Nebbits’ wish that we collectively take care of Sprinkles until the end of his days. Many of you may think this puts me in a difficult situation, but nothing could be further from the truth. The decision is quite easy actually, because there’s nothing to decide. The rules are quite clear. The pig must go!

I plan on using this unfortunate situation as a teaching opportunity for my kids. If Mrs. Kline had simply followed the rules right away and not sought out a loophole to defy the new law and my authority, this wouldn’t be happening. I’m sure many have wonderful memories of walking the little pig after Kathy got too sick to do it herself. Whenever they think back to those days with a heaviness in their hearts, they’ll remember the importance of guidelines. Following the rules is more important than following your heart. Rules are consistent and forever. Those of you raising your children in single family homes have already taught them that love is fleeting at best, but for the rest of you, this is a great opportunity to teach that lesson.

“But pigs are among the smartest animals on the planet. They can pass the ‘mirror self-recognition test’. That puts them in the same category with chimpanzees, dolphins, and elephants. He knows us,” you might say. Well, if he really is that smart I’m sure he’ll understand that his owner did the wrong thing. The last time I checked, being able to recognize yourself in a mirror does not give you the right to live in Tanager Lane. Besides, for all we know Mr. Sprinkles could have started that fire. Besides me, the pig was the last to see Mrs. Nebbits alive.

“Kathy just spent over $10 thousand on Tailored Cellular Optimization (TCO) treatments. He’s so sparkly now that he shines in the sun. He’s completely rejuvenated and has another 20 years in him at least. Besides, it’s almost Christmas. Can’t we bend the rules just a little one time for such an important member of the community?,” you ask. The answer is a resounding, NO!

As far as I’m concerned we should use Sprinkles new upgrades to our advantage. I was discussing the pig problem at the mayor’s office when Bob Abramo overheard my conversation and offered to help. While I’m not usually one to reward eavesdropping, there was something about the gleam in Mr. Abramo’s eye when we talked about the glittery little pig that caught my attention. He is very interested in Mr. Sprinkles and has offered quite a generous price. He assures me that he has big plans for our sweet little pig.

Out of respect for the connections some of you have with this prohibited animal and the upcoming Christmas holiday, I’m willing to let Mr. Sprinkles stay for a couple more days so you can say your goodbyes. Mr. Abramo only asks that you keep Mr. Sprinkles activity down to a minimum and that we start him on a sweet potato and apple only diet. He seems to know a lot about pigs and tells me that this naturally sugar rich diet is good for his muscles and overall quality. If you need any tips on how to talk to your children about this uncomfortable situation feel free to ask. As you all know, I’m exceedingly good at communication and interpersonal skills. I never thought I’d see this day but here it is. That little pig is about to fly. Mr. Sprinkles had an amazing life and story, but every story comes to an end. Tanager Lane is finally on the brink of achieving total compliance with preservation zone rules, and I intend to hold us to this high standard.