STORYLINE

Re: Your Inquiry About the Necessity of Our Emergency Drills

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Let me start off by thanking you Shelby for voicing your concerns about Tanager Lane’s quarterly emergency drills. I appreciate your questions almost as much as I appreciate you CCing everyone in the association. We can always count on you asking about procedures and rules already put in place, just in case someone is a little slow on the uptake, or has a hard time comprehending what their obligations are. I am a little confused as to why you didn’t bring it up when I delivered the list of your monthly HOA violations, but as usual the list was quite long, so perhaps it slipped your mind. In any event, the short answer to your question is, Yes, we really need to hold surprise emergency drills in the association every three months. Yes we do!

Practice makes perfect Shelby. I appreciate your concern that, “The last drill took place at 3am. The sirens terrified the kids and Frank couldn’t get back to sleep.” If I could bend the laws of nature, I would certainly schedule fires, hurricanes, and earthquakes at a more reasonable hour, one that better fits with your families sleep schedule. However, I’m too busy most days trying to make sure that Tanager Lane remains safe, and has the highest property values of any neighborhood on the island. It’s a tough job, especially when I have to explain things over and over again.

Times have changed, and recent events prove that anything can happen. We need to be prepared Shelby, certainly better prepared than you were for the Labor Day party this past weekend. I know it was unusually warm, but you ran out of cold drinks in the first hour, despite my warnings about the lack of ice when I arrived. If you had held emergency ice drills with your family, perhaps the party wouldn’t have been such a disappointment.

The past few years have seen many possible dangers that we need to be ready for, if we want our properties to remain the most sought after in Lahaina. We’ve had: record setting hurricanes destroy Front Street, massive explosions that put people in the hospital, and caused property damage. Do you remember the protest floatilla? What if all those people decided to drunkenly wander into the neighborhood, while a house was being shown? Sure, the wall probably would have kept most of them out, but we’ve never tested it against an angry horde before.

I know that you feel, “…using real emergency response vehicles, and actors is a waste of our HOA dues,” but we need to make these drills as realistic as possible, because some day, the danger might be real. The preparedness company that I have contracted is the finest of its kind, working with numerous municipalities and even Veilcorp. Their specialists not only mix up the kind of faux emergencies, but they track the response times of each home in the neighborhood, and present the findings in detailed reports every quarter.

I’m sure you’ve seen where your family ranks, and that’s what I want to get through to you. I know that you have a sort of “open and free” parenting philosophy, but we need everyone’s response in an emergency to be second nature, even our kids. I want your children to be preparedness superstars. I don’t want them to struggle in an emergency, like they do in sports and school.

I understand that you’re having trouble grasping the big picture here, but frankly the Tanager Lane bylaws and regulation documents don’t have a “what does Shelby think?” provision. Perhaps you are unaware that flooding alone costs Hawaiian homeowners over $12 billion a year. Perhaps you don’t know that having a well rehearsed emergency plan can save lives, and head off possible property damage. Perhaps you haven’t heard that the state agrees with me, and is installing an island-wide alert system for the very reasons we hold these drills. Perhaps you are, once again, in over your head Shelby.

STORYLINE

Environmental Group Demands Billboards Be Removed From the Preservation Zone

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The Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA) has announced today that they have sent a demand letter to Bob Abramo and filed an official complaint with the mayor’s office requesting that the controversial Abramo Chop House and Meat Museum signs be removed from the preservation zone. Mr. Abramo’s office says that the signs act as an important safety feature for tourists who may become lost, by offering recognizable landmarks and extending wifi coverage to the entire zone.

Not counting the infamous case of the Hower family who became lost while hiking along the Pali Trail, misplaced or disoriented tourists were not a major problem around Lahaina. Last year that began to change. 2047 saw dozens of official searches and a handful of legal cases claiming that the trails were dangerous and that the county was slow to respond to reports of missing visitors. Many worried about the complaints draining limited resources and hurting tourism. A call for more clearly marked trails and an expansion of wifi service was put out. That call was answered by Bob Abramo.

Known more for his meat-centric businesses and his real estate holdings, many were skeptical of Abramo’s intentions. According to LCA spokesperson Kimberly Hekili that skepticism was correct, “Mr. Abramo clearly knew that he was bending the rules of the agreement he signed with the county. While it’s true that his billboards are recognizable and expand coverage through the preservation zone thanks to the Phxicom wifi towers mounted on top, they are hideous. People travel from around the world to enjoy the raw natural beauty of our wild places, not be assaulted with billboards with bad puns like: ‘You never saw sausage place!’ or ‘We’ve got a lot on our pâté!’ The advertisements are clearly against preservation zone rules and we are demanding that they be removed immediately.”

10 billboards in total are spread throughout the zone and along the trails. Each of them tells how far you are from Abramo’s wildly popular eatery and points in its direction. The public response was quick and loud. Many called for a boycott of Abramo businesses until the billboards were removed. Others found the signs kitschy and amusing. However, officials were not amused and ordered Robert to take the billboards down. Abramo refused and a legal battle began. While the case has been going on for almost a year, insiders say that an agreement is near and will be announced by the end of the week.

“I’m not really sure what all the fuss was about,” says Abramo.

“Like my steaks, I think our signs are extremely tasteful. The county had a problem and I solved it for them. I’ve met every condition of our contract. The Phxicom towers we’ve provided now cover the entire zone like a tasty peppercorn sauce. Each sign is easily spotted and points in the direction of civilization and deliciously tender ribs. If the mayor’s office had a problem they should have said something during construction. The bottom line is that the county doesn’t have a leg to stand on. This was a federally sanctioned project and we met all of the FCC criteria present in the agreement. The reality is that we could mount a thousand foot tower every fifteen feet and the county, city, or state couldn’t say word boo. However, I’m not completely unreasonable. We offered to shut off the lights, even though that defeats the whole purpose if you ask me.”

Preservation Zone Compliance Liaison Elizabeth Stonegate says she has worked hard to resolve the issue which she blames on “underwhelming” legal advice from inside the mayor’s office. She resents the intrusion of the environmental group, warning that it may upend a tentative agreement reached over the weekend. “The LCA is completely out of their depth,” Stonegate says.

“If a demand letter was all we needed to void this contract the situation would already be resolved. Ms. Hekili’s ineffectual attempt to make her organization relevant in this situation is laughable. This in not the first time Kimmy has tried to assert herself. It seems like whenever she reads that a problem regarding the preservations zone is about to be solved, she sticks her nose in and claims victory. It’s actually a little sad. As I’ve told her before, the adults have everything well in hand, so she doesn’t need to worry. She should feel free to return to the kids table and look at all of her participation trophies. We’ve already reached a provisional agreement without her help, that I believe will make everyone happy. Details will be released in a few days and I look forward to seeing how the LCA plans on taking credit.”

STORYLINE

Court orders emergency halt to Veilcorp construction project

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A Hawaiian court has ordered an emergency stay on two of three Veilcorp construction projects this morning. The suit brought by the Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA), sought to end the construction of 3 underground storage facilities inside the preservation zone. Environmentalists are hailing the early morning order as a big win against what they call “an increasingly hostile opponent.” Veilcorp officials on the other hand point out that the construction projects were a result of a law initiated by these same groups.

Hurricane Neki hit Maui hard on July 5th, 2047. The storm made landfall in Lahaina and caused widespread damage. From many businesses on Front street, to large swathes of protected forest, there was no shortage of work for clean-up crews. An already difficult job took a potentially dangerous turn when a 127 (Unbiseptium) container was discovered along the beach. Later in the day more containers were found in a number of locations, and officials were alerted. 5 containers were eventually found, and although they all turned out to be empty, the scare sparked a push to better regulate the storage of the dangerous element.

The Maui Conservation and Recovery Act promised to tighten regulations on the storage of 127 and other hazardous materials, as well as put limits on the amount of those materials stored in one place. Despite objections from Veilcorp and a handful of business organizations, the measure had overwhelming public support. It was passed quickly and unanimously and signed into law by the governor.

Controversy soon followed concerning Veilcorp plans for the construction of new underground storage facilities. Officials in Honolulu approved the construction of 3 new warehouses and an accompanying tunnel system beneath the Lahaina Preservation Zone. Opponents were quick to protest the decision, and filed an appeal to have the new projects shutdown.

LCA spokeswoman Kimberly Hekili says,

“The regulations in the preserve would prohibit Veilcorp from building these storehouses above ground. It seems ludicrous that the State has decided it would be fine to let them build beneath these areas. The whole thing stinks of collusion and reinforces our belief that Veilcorp believes the rules don’t apply to them. Earlier this year we saw how entwined the company is with the Mayor’s Office with their trash scandal. Reports continue to roll in about how dangerous 127 can be, yet the company’s Icarus Project continues to bombard us everyday. While we are disappointed that only 2 of the 3 construction operations were shut down today, we are hopeful that our voices and concerns will be heard. We suggest that the company uses some of their record-breaking profits to improve their technology and find a safer power source. Their marketing materials talk about bringing people together and creating a global neighborhood. Their actions however prove that they are not concerned about the health and safety of the people in that neighborhood.”

Veilcorp was set to break ground on all 3 projects simultaneously during a media event this afternoon. The company says they will still hold a ceremony for the single approved dig and have filed their own emergency appeal. The company had hoped that the event would be a turning point in overall public opinion and a growing distrust of many here in Lahaina.

Veilcorp COO Lisa Hunt says she just wishes the environmentalists would make up their mind.

“The people who filed for this emergency stay are the very same people who pushed for the law requiring us to build these facilities in the first place. The plans were approved by the governor and the Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) months ago. They were available to the public immediately upon their approval. I’m sorry that these people were too busy making each other bracelets, peeling garbanzo beans, and offering words of encouragement to nesting birds to read the actual legislation that they had pushed for. We are already overburdened with preservation zone regulations and frankly we don’t have the time or inclination to deal with a bunch of part-time environmentalists. These plans have already been approved by real scientists who understand complex biology, and environmental systems. While I’m sure Kimmy thinks she is saving the world, I would suggest that she and the rest of her drum circle move on and put their energies into issues that they can grasp.”

A response to the Veilcorp appeal should come later today, while a final decision on the remaining construction projects could take months. It may take a while for the courts to weigh in on the issue, but others are ready now. Preservation Zone Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate says,

“I appreciate that Ms. Hekili likes to think that she is in charge. Children often pretend to be the boss of something when they play together. Unfortunately for her I don’t have the time or desire to pretend with her and her friends. I was appointed by the mayor to oversee these issues and I’ve done a remarkable job. As far as I can remember Kimberly wasn’t even in the running. I can assure her and the other children in her group that the adults have everything under control. She should get back to dealing with whatever it is she pretends to do best and leave the hard work to me.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Student Crowned Pacific Fire Knife Champion

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This past weekend, a Lahaina area student was crowned the 2048 Pacific Fire knife Champion. Pu’u sophomore, and dancing prodigy Kaholo Mae beat out competitors from Japan, Tahiti, and a former champion from Samoa to be the youngest person to ever hold the title. This is the first time a Hawaiian has won the top prize in the competition. Mayor Albert Cravalho announced his office will host a celebration and award ceremony at the Pu’u auditorium for the young fire knife dancer Friday evening.

Kaholo says he started practicing fire knife dancing at the tender age of two, and entered his first competition at four-years-old. “My mom tried to stop me at first, but after I saw my first fire knife event on TV I was hooked. To tell you the truth I’m more of a traditional jazz and tap kind of guy at heart. My lindy game is off the chain, and my Bandy Twist is certified flawless, but there was something about twirling fire that got its hooks in me, and never let go. Being the 2048 Pacific Fire Knife Champion is a dream come true, and I want to thank my friends and coaches for all their support, and especially my mom who put up with a lot of singed carpet, and curtains when I was first learning my groove. I feel very lucky and blessed to have come so far in the fire knife community at such a young age.”

A staple of any Polynesian show or luau, Siva Afi, better known as fire knife dancing, has a long and rich history in Polynesian culture. Practitioners originally used a Nifo Oti, a type of Samoan war club. The dancer would demonstration his or her battle prowess through a series of artful throwing, catching, twirling, and dancing moves with the club. Later with the introduction of metal to the islands, dancers used a machete wrapped in towels on both ends. The towels were then set ablaze giving the activity the fire knife moniker.

The flashy demonstrations soon became a favorite amongst visiting European and America Whalers, with huge demonstrations being held for successful expeditions. Records indicate that it was not unusual for hundreds of fire knife dancers to perform on Lahaina beaches after a fruitful hunt. Besides replacing the machetes with aluminum poles, the practice remains little changed today.

“Something happens when I put on the lavalava, and the drummers hit their groove. It’s deafening, but I don’t hear the drums; I feel them. It’s hard to explain, but I feel like the fire, and I are one, and the dance just sort of happens. I feel like I could handle anything thrown at me, like I’m in complete control or everything. Marathon runners call it a runner’s high. I just know it feels great, and I’m thankful that I have this outlet to celebrate my culture and my art,” says Mae.

Despite its deep roots in history, and importance to cultural heritage, some question fire knife dancing’s place in modern society. They point out the practice in its current form represents a troubling time, when Hawaii began turning away from traditional values, foods, dress, and customs, to appeal to the wants and needs of whalers and other outside forces. Some have even simpler complaints about fire knife dancing.

“It’s just stupid,” says Preservation Zone Compliance Liaison and Pu’u PTA member Elizabeth Stonegate. “I know people used to do it a long time ago so we’re supposed to have some sort of reverence or something, but that doesn’t work for me. Let’s be honest, we used to do all kinds of things that are dangerous or stupid. We used to bleed people to make them healthier, we gave people cocaine for toothaches, and before there were videos to watch, people had to watch these dancers spin burning objects at night. Thankfully, now you usually only have to watch the spectacle if your get dragged to one of those terrible tourist luaus. Up until now, I thought that was the sad exclusive domain of this embarrassing entertainment relic. However, like a lot of people I was troubled to learn about this competition over the weekend, and the disappointing truth of the school’s involvement.

I understand that we have to have ridiculous extracurricular activities like Model UN, and band for those children not talented enough to play a sport, but do we really need to support fire knife dancing? Our kids already spend too much of their time involved in classes that are completely useless to them in later life, history and chemistry just to name a few off the top of my head, but twirling a flaming batton or chain has to be the biggest waste of educational dollars I’ve ever heard of. I can’t imagine a situation where being able to play with fire like this would actually serve a purpose. I only hope Mr. Mae has the good sense not to try out his twirling at prom. Some of these parents have paid too much money for prom dresses to see them singed in the name of cultural sensitivity.”

Despite the few naysayers Pu’u Principal Pa’ani Mahelona says that he couldn’t be more proud of Mae’s accomplishment. “I know how hard Kaholo has worked. I’ve watched him grow from a kindergartner swaying back and forth during the Christmas program, to a young man capable of some of the most precise flaming batton work anyone has ever seen. All of Lahaina is in awe of his moves and artistry.” Mahelona says that any concerns about fire knife dancing at this year’s prom are ridiculous, and the product of misplaced jealousy. He adds, “It’s unfortunate that some people feel the need to tear down what they don’t understand, instead of celebrating this young man’s achievement. I find it especially ironic that Ms. Stonegate has concerns about the prom when there remains an active restraining order against her after last year’s debacle, and her own husband is not legally allowed within 100 yards of a school due to his history. This week should be about an amazing young man who is capable of anything, not petty bickering.”

STORYLINE

Permanent Perfume Trial Cancelled Over Side Effects and Health Concerns

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The FDA has ordered a trial involving a new controversial Newuskin procedure shutdown, out of concerns over the procedure’s safety and possible long-lasting side effects. The Permaroma procedure promised patients that their bodies would produce an enduring, personally-tailored smell, removing the need to apply perfume or cologne. While most involved in the Lahaina trials reported no serious side effects, the FDA expressed concerns over a few recipients who suffered major issues involving the Permaroma treatment. Newuskin points out that none of the reported side effects are life-threatening, and says they will support those suffering adversely from the procedure.

For decades people on the go, or just wanting to avoid hours of makeup application, have opted for permanent makeup treatments. Mimicking the look of freshly applied lipstick, eyebrow pencil, lip liner, or eyeliner through a process similar to tattooing, permanent makeup treatments are relatively common these days. The Permaroma procedure was designed to be the next logical step in permanent beauty treatments. Recipients would no longer need to “freshen up” their perfume during the day or between events because their own sweat glands would produce a custom-made scent throughout the day.

Unfortunately, the procedure has not gone as planned in all cases. The most commonly reported issue revolves around the scent itself. Newuskin says that each patient is given a detailed questionnaire to identify their olfactory preferences, and their personal chemistry is carefully studied to match with the most appropriate individual scents. Nonetheless, the procedure does not always hit the mark. Instead of being surrounded by the smell of citrus, vanilla, or flowers, some have found themselves producing smells like: bleach, garlic, sour milk, rotting meat, sulphur, mildew, and even burnt toast. While giving off a bad smell is not life-threatening, it can be socially crippling to those unlucky enough to involuntarily produce them.

“Despite this setback, we believe strongly in the future of Permaroma,” says Newuskin spokesperson Yvonne Masters. “We obviously feel terrible for anyone suffering any ill-effects and are working with them to resolve the matter as quickly as we can. However, I think we should be careful not to throw out the baby with the bathwater in this case. There is no doubt that having your body naturally give off the perfect smell throughout the day is amazing. It saves time and worry, but we think the future of Permaroma goes much further than that. We believe we are close to unlocking the full potential of one of the last mysteries of the body, human pheromones. Imagine if you could literally give off the smell of confidence, calm your children with your scent, or let that special someone know just how much you appreciate them with a sniff. It is our belief that we are on the verge of opening up an entirely new form of human communication, but first we need to better understand why the procedure makes some people smell like garbage. I’m confident we will.”

While giving off a bad smell is the most common negative side effect, it is not the only one. A handful seem to more readily produce their personalized scent than normal. For these patients, the outcome can be just as bad. Scott Stonegate says he and his wife Elizabeth were excited when they learned that she had been accepted into the Permaroma trial, but that excitement turned into embarrassment and regret soon after the procedure.

“It was all Elizabeth could talk about in the days leading up to the treatment, and I was happy that half the bathroom counter wouldn’t be filled with tiny glass bottles anymore. It didn’t take long for the Permaroma procedure to be completed, or for the trouble to start. It was kind of hot that day, and within a few minutes the entire interior of the car reeked of night jasmine. We had to open the windows it got so bad. Things seemed fine when we got home, and we wrote off the incident as a fluke until that night.

I woke up coughing and choking. It was like I had been shot in the face with a lavender cannon. I could see she was having a bad dream, and I felt like I was in a nightmare too. The smell was so strong I could taste it sticking to the roof of my mouth. I shook her shoulders and tried to say her name but it was thick in there, and I had to get out of the room. It got a little better when she got up, but our problems weren’t over yet.

We decided to walk around the neighborhood to clear our minds and sinuses, but as the sun rose in the sky, so did the smell again. Before long, Elizabeth was dragging a trail of citrus and shame many yards behind us. It sounds strange, but I swear all the hyacinth blooms in the neighborhood seemed more fragrant when we walked by, like they were trying to compete with Elizabeth or something. I couldn’t tell what smelled more, the flowers or her. I could see people outside sniffing the air, long after we passed. The warmer it got, the more intense the smell got. It was then that we figured out that anytime she was upset or got too warm, the smell would just go off the charts.

It’s been hard. I’m sleeping on the couch most nights, and we’re forced to keep the house at 60 degrees or the smell gets too strong to stay inside. Elizabeth doesn’t want to do anything but tend to the flower garden. She doesn’t go anywhere because she’s embarrassed, and being embarrassed just makes the smell worse. We’re hopeful that they’ll figure it out, and Newuskin has been very proactive in resolving the issue, but it’s been exhausting emotionally. I’m not sure that we’ll ever get the smell out of my car’s upholstery, and we’ve had to throw away numerous sets of sheets. I guess It’s been hard on Elizabeth too. Who knew that wanting to always smell good, could feel so bad.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina’s 109-year-old Junior Ranger Patrols the Trails and Keeps Them Safe

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It was a trip of a lifetime for Karen Brodi and her fiancé Lars. The pair had spent the day sightseeing and soaking up the West Maui sun. Hoping to catch a glimpse of a celebrity, they ate lunch at the famous Hula Noodle restaurant and planned on taking a tour of the Thorcon plant later in the day. With a few hours to kill, the couple decided to hop in one of the public ATVs and explore some of the trails throughout the beautiful Lahaina preservation zone. That’s when their trip took a turn for the worse.

The couple soon found themselves stuck in the mud at the bottom of a ravine. Worse, Lars had badly sprained his ankle trying to dig out the wheels of their Manimal ATV. Karen had no idea where they were, which made it hard for rescuers to find them. Emergency drones were dispatched, but authorities told Karen it could be hours before they were located. Just then, she heard what dozens of other troubled tourists have heard in their time of need, the whirring sound of an electric motor.

“All of a sudden this really old lady wearing a ranger uniform pulls up on a tricked out mobility scooter,” Karen says. “I didn’t know what to think, and was just kind of staring at her, when she got up and unwound some cable from a winch mounted on the front. She asked if I could wrap it around the front axle while she chained her scooter to a tree. The next thing you know we had the ATV out of the mud and Lars in a splint she made out of sticks. She gave us both a bottle of water and told me to follow her because she knew a short-cut to the main road. We both thanked her and asked her name. She said it was no trouble and that it was her job; she was Junior Ranger Malie.”

Karen and Lars are officially the 35th and 36th tourist treated or rescued by Malie Kahiko, Lahaina’s oldest Junior Ranger. The 109-year-old star of the reality program Malie’s List is many times older than the preservation zone itself, but says being part of the Junior Ranger program helps her feel young. “They thought I was crazy when I showed up, and told me the program was for kids. I told them that I was a kid at heart and that they didn’t have anything about age listed anywhere, so they’d just have to deputize me.”

Started a year after the preservation zone expansion in 2031, the Junior Ranger program was designed to teach children about: the wonders of nature, the importance of protecting fragile areas, and to cultivate a sense of stewardship in the next generation of wildlife advocates. Despite the age difference between Malie and her other Junior Rangers, she says she feels right at home at their weekly meetings. “I just love the energy of the kids and the look in their eyes when I tell them about the people I helped that week,” Kahiko says.

There’s no doubt that Malie has become an attraction herself, with many tourists wanting to get a picture with the elderly ranger, but admiration for her is not shared by everyone. Compliance Liaison to the Mayor’s Office Elizabeth Stonegate calls the idea of a 109-year-old Junior Ranger, “silly” and says Malie has no business patrolling the preservation zone.

“To be perfectly honest it’s ridiculous. Mrs. Kahiko has no formal training, and didn’t work as a first responder when she was young enough to be useful. I for one don’t think it’s cute or inspiring that an ancient woman, no longer capable of walking from her couch to the kitchen, is cruising around out there. She’s a liability just waiting to happen! Instead of putting herself in dangerous situations, I believe Malie would better serve her family by finding an appropriate care facility and getting her affairs in order. She has reached that special age in life where it is important to acknowledge how close to death you are, and do everything you can to make your passing easier for your family, not pulling people out of the mud, or administering emergency first aid. She has obviously motored on well past her freshness date and needs to stop her antics.”

Undeterred by Stonegate’s criticism, Malie says she has the full support of her family and has no plans to give up her ranger uniform. “I’m not surprised that someone like Elizabeth Stonegate doesn’t get it. When that woman came out of her mother’s womb she started complaining that her swaddling cloth wasn’t designer made. What she and a few others don’t understand is that you are never too old to lend a hand. My scooter Betty has an electric winch, a spare battery, satellite phone, a water pouch, and all the medical supplies I need to handle almost any situation. Sure, I’m a little bit older than the other rangers, but I’m not too old to help when I can. That’s what the aloha spirit is all about! As long as I’m able, I’ll be out there lending a hand or a wheel to whoever needs it.”

STORYLINE

Self-Lighting Torches Put Lahaina Beautification Project On Hold

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A multi-million dollar beautification project has been put on hold, due to safety concerns over automated tiki torches, that are set to replace streetlights in many Lahaina neighborhoods. Numerous injuries, and at least one fire have been blamed on the high-tech devices lighting prematurely, and failing to automatically extinguish themselves, as they were designed. Creator of the self-lighting torches Ano Lee says he’s worked out the bugs, and with the backing of Mayor Cravalho, plans to install the rest in various neighborhoods this week.

Sold to the public as a way to offset some of the recent construction on Front Street, that many see as an unwanted attempt to modernize the look and feel of the area, the project was to cover a wide area around Lahaina. The initiative was to make bus stops, fire hydrants, and mail boxes less noticeable, put severe restrictions on outdoor advertising and business signage, and incorporate more traditional art in public spaces. The main focus however, was replacing many of the area’s streetlights with the automated torches.

Mayor Cravalho says, “Tourists are a vital part of the Lahaina economy, but we’ve always been careful to preserve our history and the aloha spirit of the land. The InterIsland Preservation and Travel Act (IPTA) was designed to help save our culture and infrastructure by limiting the number of monthly visitors allowed to travel to Maui, but it clearly wasn’t enough. We were still losing the look, feel, and other aspects of Lahaina that makes it special everyday. We felt this city-wide facelift was needed to preserve this beautiful place. We decided the automated torches would be the most powerful reminder to visitors that they were in Hawaii, and I’m sure everyone will agree once we work the bugs out.”

Using a specialized recycling solid-fuel-system, with light sensing modules, and a self-ignition system, the torches may be the most technically advanced of all time. “They’re super awesome, the flame is even water resistant. They’ll keep burning in a hurricane!” says Lee. “Without getting too stuck in the weeds, the torches sense when it’s getting dark, ignite and extinguish themselves according to preset lightness levels, and utilize a specialized fuel recycling system of my own design. Basically the fuel melts as it burns and is caught in a special reservoir inside for later use. In theory one of my torches could burn without refilling for over 50 years.”

Despite their technological sophistication, there have been numerous complaints and injuries blamed on the torches, including a recent fire in a public works warehouse. Reports claim that the torches will turn on during exceptionally cloudy days, and children have been known to turn them on by holding umbrellas or pieces of cardboard over them. The fire was caused by a parks employee when he turned out the light in the storage area, and the torches ignited. Lee counters that these incidents were caused by user error and he’s taking steps to “dummy-proof” his inventions.

“These incidents were all caused by people turning up the light sensitivity dial to its maximum setting, making the torches ignite whenever it found itself in a shadow. The public works guy failed to replace the ignition safety rings when he put them back in storage. I’m working on ways to dummy-proof the torches now, but to be honest they’re just so cool, I’m having a hard time changing anything. I mean, these things will provide downtown and select neighborhoods with natural lighting and an authentic Hawaiian feel. On top of that, you never have to worry about losing your lighter at night, these torches are perfect for lighting your favorite cigar or brand of cigarettes. It’s super convenient.”

Still, many residents have reservations about the cost of the project, and the utility of the torches compared to traditional street lights. One of the loudest opponents is Preservation Zone Compliance Liaison to the Mayor’s Office and HOA President of Tanager Lane, Elizabeth Stonegate. She says, “this is not the beautification program I was promised when I voted for it.”

“I think we’ve had enough mysterious fires in Lahaina, we certainly have no need of “don’t know Lee’s” inferno sticks lining the roads. Just look at the areas where these torches have been installed. They look like something out of a movie about college kids visiting a remote tribe, only to end up in a stew pot. I thought this “beautification” would involve things that mattered: Mandatory lawn mowing and improvement days, reasonable house colors, properly weeded flowerbeds in front of every house, prohibiting car washing in your driveway, containing children’s play to backyards and monitoring their noise levels, you know, things that would actual raise property values and make certain areas that I won’t mention right now, more seemly. I can promise you one thing, Tanager Lane will not be participating in this make Lahaina beautiful again fiasco. Under my direction, my part of Lahaina has always been beautiful.”

STORYLINE

Duracave Donates Triage Tents To Help Treat Hurricane Victims

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The fallout from hurricane Neki, which made landfall early Saturday morning, will be felt for years in West Maui, but many who were injured in the storm are feeling the aloha spirit today thanks to Duracave. The company best known for high-end survival gear and portable power supplies has donated several mobile triage tents to the Lahaina Medical Center to help house and treat victims of the hurricane. Thousands of are homeless this morning and hundreds are injured from the wrath of Neki.

Nearly 400 area residents are injured filling local medical facilities well beyond capacity. That number is expected to grow substantially as rescue teams comb through the rubble. While many companies like Veilcorp and Manimal are providing shelter and energy drinks to survivors, Duracave’s donation solves a logistical nightmare for medical personnel working in Lahaina.

“When we saw all the victims left in Neki’s wake we knew we had to do something,” says Duracave CEO Barret Stone. “Duracave is about providing the tools necessary to survive and thrive in the worst conditions nature and political cabals can throw at you. Neki was bad but we’re better.”

“Not all tents are created equal. Our Liberator Modular Tenting System is the most advanced and most secure shelter devised by mankind. Resilient to extreme heat and cold, able to withstand hurricane force winds, and monsoon rains our ultra-tarp material can even keep out many first generation nerve agents. Paired with one of our innovative generators and featuring a negative pressure environment, the Liberator makes the perfect triage environment for you and a buddy, or a whole platoon. It keeps the smell of war and contagions in and any worries out. I use a mid-sized Liberator system as a mobile abattoir on my ranch. Believe me, if it can keep the smell of a 12 ton gut pile from getting out it can contain any disease.”

“The tents were a godsend,” says Director Dalia Forsythe. The Lahaina Medical Center has been hit especially hard. With supplies and personnel already stretched thin the facility simply didn’t have space for all the sick and injured. “We were treating people in supply closets,” she adds.

“Without these tents we would have lost lives. It’s that simple. This morning there was an explosion that injured dozens of rescue workers and may have exposed them to 127 and other toxic materials. Luckily, we now have the room to keep them quarantined until we know what they were exposed to. I’m not the kind of person who would usually talk highly of Duracave and their well-shared political views but they really came through as a company. There is no doubt that they helped us save lives. The hurricane has caused a lot of struggles but I’m amazed at how quickly everyone has come together to help. It makes me proud of my Hawaiian neighbors.”

Not everyone is singing the praises of Duracave however. Despite Forsythe’s admiration for the company, one Lahaina resident calls the tents an eyesore. Elizabeth Stonegate, President of the Tanager Lane Homeowners Association, worries that the tents will discourage new people from moving to the area. “We’re really missing a great opportunity to rebuild a more sophisticated Lahaina,” she says.

“I realize that Neki hurt a lot of people and my heart goes out to them but the truth of the matter is that Mother Nature has offered us a great opportunity. Many of the homes that were destroyed were older traditional dwellings. The kind of places they call “quaint” in real estate listings. We all know what quaint means, and how quaint doesn’t raise property values. Lahaina has changed a lot in the past decade. It’s growing into a beautiful modern city and Neki has helped clean up some of our problematic areas. Since many of those people won’t be able to afford to rebuild even with insurance money we should be courting a more financially secure class of people.

There is nothing about 4 giant sized medical tents that says, “come spend millions of dollars building a new home here.” It looks like something out of a horror movie. The whole reason a hospital has walls is so that you don’t have to be reminded of the sick. I feel terrible that people who chose not to take proper shelter were hurt by their actions but why should their bad choices impact my property values? While everyone is digging through rubble and putting up sci-fi plague tents, I’ve made sure all tree limbs and debris has been picked up in Tanager Lane. We have an unprecedented chance to reshape a more sophisticated Lahaina, let’s do all we can to make it happen and get rid of the tents before it’s too late.”

STORYLINE

Excitement and Controversy Over Upcoming Veil Stop Announcement Continues

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Veilcorp and the County of Maui are set to announce the locations of the first Veil Stops at the end of the week, amid increasing excitement and swirling controversy. Many still consider the next generation public transportation system a wonder, while some worry about safety and improper government influence. A number of recent reports regarding the possible health effects, and corruption have lessened the near unanimous support for the project.

Promising to revolutionize the way we travel locally, the Veil Stop network was met with excitement across the island back in January. Veilcorp said they could convert existing bus stops with little effort and could have a working system up and running within months. Since then, multiple delays, warnings from environmental groups, and corruption investigations have slowed progress and diminished public support for the project.

Mayor Albert Cravalho says that despite the controversy, he believes that the network will be a major attraction for tourists and a huge benefit to residents. “Every project is met with some sort of pushback, but I am confident that the Veil Stop network will change the day-to-day lives of many for the better. In spite of a few activists using bad science and rumors to derail the project, many business owners and residents see the possibilities that the Veil Stops afford and are excited.”

Inventor and technology gadfly Ano Lee is one such business owner. He has been pushing to have an out of service bus stop near his maker commune reopened as part of the pilot program. Lee says that the expansion of the preservation zone ended all public transportation in his area, and the Veil Stop project would return the valuable service to his neighbors and his business.

“Preservation zone rules have kept viable public transportation options out of the area, but the Veil Stop network could change all that. I think the old bus stop down the road is the natural choice. People have to understand what a hot-spot my Chacki Hut has become. Sure, tourists come to Lahaina for the crystal clear water, lush forests, and scenic cliffs. However, the hut is now rated as one of the most popular tourists destinations on a variety of social media outlets. Our selection of peel-n-stick LED lights is second to none, and as far as I know, there is nothing like our custom bobblehead machines anywhere on the island. Since we’re a little off the beaten path, I think it’s only natural that the pilot program start out here.”

Preservation zone compliance liaison to the mayor’s office Elizabeth Stonegate disagrees. She believes that the network should focus on currently active bus stops, saying that an active stop in the area would upset delicate natural areas. She counters, “There’s a reason that the bus routes in the area were discontinued, and it wasn’t to upset Ano Lee and his collection of ungroomables. The stop that Lee is pushing so hard to reopen is less than a mile from my home in Tanager Lane. As HOA president it is my job to protect my neighborhood and home values. I can assure you that the residents of Tanager Lane are not public transportation people. I’m sorry that visitors to Lee’s plastic shed will have to buy their trinkets and trance music somewhere else. There isn’t anything here for the kind of people who would visit his neck beard collective, certainly not a home in their price range. I think it is obvious that these people would be much happier in other areas of Lahaina.”

Chop House owner Bob Abramo agrees with Stonegate, and says the obvious location is one of the stops downtown. Abramo is nearing completion of a multi million dollar “Museum of Meat History” alongside his restaurant, and says that the interest in the new expansion makes his location the obvious choice. However, many have accused Abramo of using his position on the city council to unduly sway the planning committee’s decision. Known for his outlandish statements and direct manner, many are saying his “appreciation program” is a step too far, even for the larger-than-life Lahaina fixture.

He says,

“I really don’t know what all the fuss is about. You hear about people celebrating police officers and first responders all the time. I’m not saying we shouldn’t give a little extra thanks to these brave men and women, they do an incredible job. I’m just trying to recognize other public servants who are too often overlooked. I wanted to recognize those that work late hours missing diners to make sure that the paperwork was done in triplicate. I wanted to give the hardworking people who only have time for instant noodles during the day something they could appreciate. When we started looking at all the groups who put in a little something extra in our local government, one stood out immediately. I’m proud of the “Veil Stop Planning Committee Appreciation Program.” I’m offering everyone on the committee free meals this week at the Chop House. Frankly, with so many vying for their attention I thought it only right that I offered them a spot at my table to relax and make the right decision.”

The committee says they are still looking at a number of areas, and will announce the first Veil Stop locations early this Friday.

STORYLINE

Law That Would Put Quota On Veil Travelers Passes

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Amongst cheers from its supporters and threats of legal action from the opposition, the InterIsland Preservation and Travel Act (IPTA) was passed today. The law would establish tough new regulations on the use of Veil transportation on any of the Hawaiian islands and impose a quota on the number of monthly visitors. Many native Hawaiians see the measure as a much needed safeguard for failing infrastructure and fragile natural areas. Veilcorp calls it a disappointing overreach. The controversial law is set to go into effect in 2047.

Proponents of the legislation say it is needed to protect strained electrical and sewage systems and to shield vital natural areas from overuse. Advocates point to the frequent back-up and spillage problems in Honolulu, and the recent destruction of a turtle nesting beach in Maui by a wedding party, as proof of the need for the law.

Starting next year, anyone planning to veil into the islands must submit a visitor declaration at least 60 days in advance, and outline which destinations they plan to visit as well as provide a departure date. Anyone caught staying past this date, or veiling in without a permit will be heavily fined with the possibility of jail-time for repeat offenders.

Not everyone on the islands agrees with the law. Many local businesses say they depend on a robust tourist trade, and cutting down the number of tourists by what some estimates say could be half, would be the beginning of the end for them. They also point out that so far the state has not explained how they would administer the monthly quotas or the waiting lists that are sure to reach out into year-long delays.

All of these questions and concerns are moot according to Veilcorp spokesperson Lisa Hunt. She says the new law is absurd and clearly unconstitutional, calling it “legislative theater”. Hunt says,

“Freedom of movement under United States law is one of the most fundamental constitutional rights of citizens recognized by the courts. It was recognized in the Articles of Confederation and the right to freely move between states is about as basic as it gets. What the Hawaiian government has done here is nothing more than an act of pandering to a very vocal and militant group of voters. They know that this law will not stand up to scrutiny in the courts. We suggest that they upgrade their sewer systems if they are no longer sufficient instead of spreading it around through legislation. Perhaps these advocates should get out of their comfy chairs and take a more hands-on approach to protecting the natural areas they allege to hold so dear. Stripping away freedoms won’t induce turtles to lay eggs.”

Mayor of the County of Maui, Albert Cravalho, disagrees. He says the law is much needed relief for a problem that has been growing for the past 7 years.

“Freely traveling between states has been considered a fundamental right but the federal government has not been invested with the authority to protect that freedom by the courts. That power has always resided with the states. But more importantly, we have to recognize that the Constitution is a living document. At one time slaves were considered three-fifths of a person, alcohol was illegal, and women were not allowed to vote. The creators of this great document wrote with quills, the ramifications of overcrowding due to veil technology was not on their radar. Oeming and his precious Veilcorp are just the latest incarnation of Captain Cook-like characters trying to exploit the beauty of Hawaii and its people. This problem really started to grow in 2039 when the United States joined 181 other countries in signing The Gateway Travel Accord. Giving virtually the entire population of the planet permission, and the ability to instantaneously stuff themselves into the 4,000 square miles many of us call home is short-sighted to say the least. Every winter our jails are filled with drunk Bostonians and others overstaying their visas. This is not a problem of our making. This is a global issue that was thrust upon us. Luaus aren’t a human right afforded to every southie, Saudi and shanghainese!.”

Albert’s sentiments are shared by many on the islands despite their doubts about the law’s eventual impact on the overcrowding and flash-tourist problems. Local IPTA advocate Elizabeth Stonegate says,

“As President of the Tanager Lane Homeowners’ Association for the past 15 years, I’m no stranger to hard and unpopular decisions so I empathize with the Mayor. If you think putting a travel quota in place is hard you should try getting everyone to agree to mandatory hibiscus planting. I agree that this is a problem that was thrust upon us by other countries. Just the other day a lost tourist wandered into the neighborhood. He walked up to me as I was getting the mail and asked for directions. His accent was so thick and I didn’t know what he was saying at first. You can imagine how off-putting the experience was. If something like that can happen in Tanager Lane, I can only imagine what horrors happen on a daily basis in the less upscale areas around the island.”