STORYLINE

Manimal Releases Enormous “Herd-Sized” Cans To the Public

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For Manimal fans, there’s never been bigger news. Today the much-hyped “Herd-Sized” cans go on sale to the general public. Coming in at just over 36 gallons, the company says the enormous cans are targeted at a generation “used to abundance,” and will provide “sustained energy for even the most rabid fan for up to a month.” However, some take issue with Manimal’s suggested daily serving sizes and several design flaws with the gigantic containers exposed during a trial run in the company’s home town of Lahaina.

Over twice the size as a keg of beer, the new cans are impressive, to say the least. Around 6ft tall and weighing over 350 pounds, customers must schedule delivery and installation times when ordering one. Herd-Sized containers resemble old-fashioned water heaters more than the slick cans fans have come to love. Despite this, the company says the target audience for the new can is the much-coveted “Veiler” demographic, the generation who grew up with veil technology.

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says he’s “super excited” about offering a Manimal product specifically designed for Veilers. “This is a generation that is used to traveling across the world in an instant, they don’t want to make multiple trips and wait in line to get the life-fuel they need. We listened to our customers and we heard them loud and clear. Herd-Sized Manimal allows you to provide ultimate hydration to your crew. If you’re more of a lone wolf the new container holds around a month’s worth of savage refreshment, so you never have to wait for that surge of energy you need. Veilers are used to getting their money’s worth and immediate gratification. We feel that Herd-Sized Manimal is just our natural adaptation to those wants and needs. As usual, Manimal is leading the pack and I couldn’t be more excited!”

There’s sure to be no shortage of Herd-Sized cans delivered in the coming weeks across Maui, but as usual, this Manimal announcement is not without controversy. Critics point to the company’s famously fraught Manimal public ATV rollout, as well as the numerous issues with past promotions, some involving children. Betsy Kaukau an investigator for the Department of Health says she’s not concerned with one more questionable marketing scheme, she’s concerned about the public’s well-being.

“Forget the fact that these containers come with special bracing to keep them from crashing through floors. Forget that the company’s recommended daily serving is over a gallon a day, an amount of Manimal that we know can lead to massive multisystem organ failure. What really scares me is the dangerous design issues their test rollout uncovered. Nobody at Manimal thought to put any sort of level indicator on these things. Instead, they come with a level stick that allows any number of contaminants and bacteria into the container. The company puts a “refrigerate after opening” sticker on the side but who has a refrigerator big enough to accommodate this gargantuan thing? Basically, Manimal is shipping 350-pound biological bombs across the country.”

Gary Puniwale, a Lahaina resident, and participant in Manimal’s product trial is one of the unlucky few who experienced problems with his Herd-Sized can.

“Luck and I have never been friends but when I learned that I was going to be one of a few dozen in Maui to get a Herd-Sized can I thought my luck was changing. I should have known better. Everything seemed to go great the first week. Sure it was a little hard to get it into my apartment and the landlord had some concerns about it crashing on my neighbors below, but I made room and it came with extra floor bracing. I thought it was great, but at the beginning of week two things started to change.

I wasn’t positive, but I thought it started tasting different and it would be really foamy in the morning. I thought maybe it was the apartment AC vibrating the container at night or something and the taste seemed fine after I drank a few glasses so I put it out of my mind. Then one morning I noticed that the sides looked a little bowed. I thought it tasted a little fizzy but I stirred it and tried a glass and it seemed ok. I put the stick back in place and got another glass before I went to work and then another. It turns out that the Manimal was fermenting and I drank so much that I passed out.

I woke up in the hospital with a BAC over three times the legal limit. The can had burst leaking gallons of boozy Manimal on my neighbor below. She ran upstairs and found me unresponsive and called for help. In retrospect, I should have known that the buzz was from alcohol and not ultimate energy but I’m not a doctor. Manimal paid for my medical expenses and cleaning the downstairs apartment. I’m doing much better but I’d caution anyone thinking of getting a Manimal silo in their home. There is something to the saying “too much of a good thing.”

Manimal says they have come up with adaptor kits for older containers complete with soldering instructions and stand by the safety and intensity of their product.

STORYLINE

Man In Custody After Entering Thorcon Control Room To Charge Phone

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All of Lahaina will be able to sleep easier tonight after officials released more details about a frightening incident at the Thorcon Power Plant yesterday. 31-year-old Gary Puniwale was taken into custody after entering one of the plant’s control rooms, causing a partial shutdown, and panic across the island. While rumors of a possible terror attack caused understandable concern to nearby residents, authorities now say the reason for Puniwale’s unauthorized access was much more benign. According to their report, the Lahaina native was simply trying to charge his phone.

The Thorcon Plant has become one of Lahaina’s most popular attractions since being retrofitted to use element 127 (Unbiseptium) last year. Despite the concerns of many, plant officials said the switch to the controversial fuel would make the plant much safer and more efficient. Tours of the facility began soon after to help allay any fears, and demonstrate the safety of the plant. Thorcon’s Resident Site Manager Davis Carnot says Puniwale was part of one such tour.

“I can now confirm that the subject in question was able to slip away from his tour group yesterday, and somehow gained access to a control room on the lower level. Residents around the plant were never in any danger, and we are reviewing video currently to ascertain how Mr. Puniwale was able to wander away unnoticed, and enter the area. We are working closely with federal authorities and investigators to make sure nothing like this happens again, and are installing new safety and security protocols. While we believe that 127 is the key to the future of power production, we’d like to remind the public, and Gary in particular, that it will not charge your electronic devices any faster than traditional charging options. Frankly, I’m amazed that someone with the understanding and insight of Mr. Puniwale is allowed to walk around without a handler.”

Although Puniwale’s unauthorized entrance into a sensitive area seems to be a result of profound stupidity instead of malicious intent, it is little relief to some who remain concerned about the safety of the plant. Tim Durney, former investigator for the Iowa Department of Natural Resources, and founder of the watchdog group VeilWatch, was one of the most vocal critics of the plants move to 127. He says that the incident highlights some of the security concerns he has been warning the public about, and hopes that this incident serves as a wake-up call for those still on the fence about the safety of 127.

He says, “I’m the first to admit that it is highly unlikely anyone else as witless as Gary exists, let alone could navigate the ticket purchasing process necessary to take a tour of the plant, but there are those who wish to do harm to as many as possible out there. It’s those people gaining access to controls at the Thorcon that keep me up at night. I’ve seen firsthand the devastating effect a 127 accident can have. I hate to think about what someone with evil intent could have done in Gary’s position. If the plant had a 127 release half as big as the Veilcorp breach in Iowa, it would destroy virtually all of Lahaina. The public deserves to know just how deadly this plant in their backyard is, and we are launching a new campaign to do just that. I hope Gary’s bumbling can lead to a greater awareness in the public, and make everyone in Lahaina think about what they are living next to.”

While Durney says that more public awareness would lead to a plant shutdown, it is public announcements and news stories about the plant that Puniwale says made him interested in the facility in the first place. Gary says he now understands why his actions caused such a severe response, and apologizes for the trouble he caused.

“My knowledge about the do’s and don’ts while you’re touring a nuclear power plant wasn’t that great, but believe me, I’ve gotten the message loud and clear. I wouldn’t recommend entering a secure location inside a 127 plant to see if it could charge your phone super-fast to anyone, but I will say I’ve learned a lot over the past 24 hours. In fact, if you take away the yelling, and the threats about far away black sites, I think interrogation might be a great way to teach someone about a subject in a very short time. I feel like I have a much better understanding about how serious those “restricted area” signs are, and how the electricity inside a power plant isn’t any “stronger” than what you have at home. I apologize again, and promise not to do anything to trouble my Lahaina neighbors in the future.

STORYLINE

Workers Using Veilcorp Public Parking As Co-Working Space

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Lahaina is booming and the ever increasing cost of office space has many entrepreneurs turning to unconventional ways to save money. Every day dozens of workers are now using Veilcorp’s spacious public parking lots as makeshift co-working spaces. The practice has raised questions about car-centric city design in the age of veil travel, and the high cost of living in West Maui. Veilcorp says they don’t condone the practice, and are taking steps to remove anyone found doing business in the lots. Those working between the lines say they are not breaking any laws, and are leading a public space revolution.

It’s a typical Monday morning in Lahaina and the long term parking lots at Veilcorp’s flagship facility are starting to fill up. While some will soon find themselves thousands of miles away on pleasure trips, an increasing number are staying put for business. Veilcorp’s extended parking lots are becoming one of the hottest business and networking spots on the island.

Most work and plan from the comfort of their car, but by lunch, dozens are taking calls from clients while sitting in folding chairs, using card tables and in some cases coolers, for tables. The air is filled with the smells of food cooking from a communal grilling area someone has set-up in area F. The whole scene is more reminiscent of a family reunion than a high pressure boardroom, and that according to Veilcorp spokesperson Lisa Hunt is the problem. “It has become a safety issue and it has to come to an end,” she says.

“The problem has gotten way out of hand. We’ve seen people fight over their favorite “office” spaces, and even a case where someone set their car on fire trying to grill in their back seat. There are people talking on their phones or ceremplants wandering out into traffic, and people running over office supplies while trying to park. We understand that it’s hard to find affordable space in Lahaina but using our parking lot is not a viable option. Our public network is free and accessible to everyone inside at one of our many cafes. Unfortunately we’ve a hard time convincing some of these people to leave our lots for our lounges.”

One such lot lover is Gary Puniwale. Gary says he appreciates Hunt’s position but says he plans to keep using the lot to conduct his business. He says, “The long term lot may not be the most breathtaking spot on the island but it easily beats sitting in a cubicle under fluorescent lights all day.” Gary says that he’s been working from the lot for a few weeks, and thinks it’s time for the public and city planners to rethink their car-centric view of utilizing space.

“We live in a time where cars are becoming less and less important to many people. If you look at an aerial view of any city it’s hard not to notice how much space is taken up by parking lots. It just makes sense that we start opening up some of these valuable areas for the public good. Since Veilcorp is directly responsible for this shift in how we all get from one place to another, I think it’s fitting that they are at the front of this new workspace revolution, even if they don’t want to lead the charge. The truth of the matter is that the lot is awesome! The price can’t be beat and the speed of the public Veilcorp network is comparable to what I was getting from my old ISP. To me, working from the parking lot has been a revelation. I just hope we can come to some kind of agreement with Veilcorp because I don’t think I can make it through a meeting unless I get to do a little tailgating at the same time now.”

While both sides seem to be entrenched in their positions, local author and amateur sociologist Kevin Marrow claims he has a solution to the problem that can make both parties happy. “After a deep dive into the socioeconomic factors and safety issues at play here, I’ve written a manual that addresses everyone’s concerns, and can work as a roadmap to cooperation in the future,” he says.

“My manual, “A Lot of Rules” is a comprehensive guide of best practices for turning any parking lot into a safe work environment. In addition to covering all the forms of harassment and unacceptable actions one might expect in your typical workplace, A Lot of Rules answers many lot-specific questions and offers numerous illustrated guidelines. I cover how to safely grill in your car, with rules like always keeping a window open. I give tips on: how to stay aware of moving vehicles when you’re in a meeting, a list of common office products that can absorb oil or other automotive fluids, why you should always share food if you cook out in the open, and what to do when a coworker keeps stretching their legs over the painted lines and into your spot. I’m trying to create a good parking lot culture and a HR handbook that works for everyone doing business in a parking space. If they would only start responding to my inquiries, I’m sure Veilcorp would see the wisdom and solutions held inside my blue binder.”