Kayaking Tourists Attacked While Trying To Film Otters

Sea otters attacked a tourist and her family near Oneloa Bay early Saturday morning. The group were kayaking near the otters when the pod began to push the boats, jump out of the water, and attack the tourists. Witnesses say the otters managed to flip one of the kayaks in the horrifying attack. Several family members were treated for bites at the Lahaina Medical Center. Officials say such behavior in sea otters is almost unheard of. They are investigating the incident, and checking the otters for a possible rabies outbreak.

48-year-old Camilla Brandt says that she thought getting a few pictures of Oneloa Bay’s newly discovered sea otter pod would be a great way to cap off “the vacation of a lifetime.” However that dream soon became a nightmare, when her youngest son approached the pod with his phone out to take a picture. “It was like someone flipped a switch inside them,” says Brandt.

“Cody was so focused on getting himself in the frame that he didn’t see the big one flying through the water at him. It grabbed the front of the kayak, and almost knocked him over. The rest just started swarming. Tim and I paddled as fast as we could, but in a few seconds they were all over Cody and the kayak. Then they started jumping on our boats and trying to push us over too. I screamed when I saw Cody hit the water. Thankfully, some nearby fishermen saw the whole thing, and came to our rescue. If it wasn’t for them slapping the water, and the noise of their motor, I’m not sure we would have made it back alive. To top it off, as we were being pulled onboard, I saw one of the otters with Cody’s phone on its chest, smashing it with a rock. I don’t care what anyone says; they may look cute on TV, but these things are killers!”

The tourists were taken the Lahaina Medical center following the attack. Camilla and her husband were treated for minor contusions and lacerations, while their son Cody received over 30 stitches, and was held overnight for observation. As a precautionary measure, everyone received treatment for rabies.

Reports of conflicts between tourists and wildlife have been on the rise, particularly with the native Nene population. The State Bird has been the subject of numerous reported attacks this year. Back in February a couple claimed to have been “held hostage” by a group of Nene overnight. However, this is the first report of aggressive behavior in the otters. While he does recommend caution when dealing with any wild animal, Greg Iona of the Department of Land and Natural Rsources (DLNR) says that the otters are nothing to worry about. “We will be testing individuals for rabies, but at this point it appears laws about harassing the pod, and getting too close were broken, leading to the unfortunate incident,” Iona says.

“Such aggressive behavior in otters is almost unheard of, but all wild animals can be unpredictable, especially when they feel their young are in danger. Add that to the fact that this is a population of animals that is normally not found in this area. We don’t really know what “normal” behavior might be for the otters living in our waters. People forget that these are big animals too. A fully grown male sea otter can weigh almost 100 pounds, that’s about the size of a German Shepherd. Having said that, and despite the incident Saturday, we have no evidence that our otters are any more dangerous than normal. Right now all the witness statements are clear that despites warnings, and laws against harassing the animals, the Brandt’s were much too close. We believe something about the reflection from the phone, and the proximity to young triggered an aggressive response in the otters. We can’t say enough how important it is to give these wild animals the space they deserve.”

Local residents have mixed feelings about the attack. Some in the area say they will now keep young children from playing in the water, and will avoid Oneloa Bay altogether. Others put the blame on the tourists. One Lahaina resident however says that the real culprit in the incident is Cody’s phone, and the unrealistic view of reality that it fosters. “He may not appreciate it now, but the otter that smashed his phone did him a huge favor,” says author Kevin Morrow.

“I’ve been studying photographs on social media recently, and have been blown away by my findings. The days of simple landscape shots, and family portraits in front of a standard background are over. There is no end to the number of filters, manipulating tools, and animations a young person can add to photos now. With the press of a button they can add: beauty make-up, dog ears, stars, rainbows, or even other people and objects to their pictures. They can even digitally place themselves in other locations. They used to say that “seeing is believing” but what does a young mind do when virtually nothing they see is based in reality. It was hard enough for me to navigate my nephew’s hall of mirrors-like photo section. I can only imagine what it’s like for the average young teen growing up with pictures worth a thousand imaginary words. I believe we need to start regulating these dangerous photo filters before someone decides to get a close-up of a tiger shark to see what historical figure it looks most like. In my opinion, we’re sitting on a photo bomb ready to explode.”

Man With Goose Phobia Calls Food Delivery Service For Help Scaring Away Birds

A Lahaina area man with a severe phobia of geese found himself face to face with his worst fear Saturday night, when a group of nene surrounded his home just before dusk. After calling for help from his neighbors, the police, and animal control, to no avail, 48-year-old Kevin Morrow devised an unorthodox solution to his problem. He ordered a meal from the popular Hailoha-Eats delivery service, and asked the delivery driver to scare off the offending birds.

According to Morrow it was an ordinary Saturday evening. He was busy working on his latest book, outlining the danger food carts present to traditional family dinner rituals, when his dog Howie began to bark uncontrollably. Looking out the window, Kevin’s worst nightmare came true when he saw his yard was filled with nene.

Suffering from an acute fear of the state bird, he tried calling his neighbors for help, but they didn’t answer the phone. He next tried the police, but was told that they didn’t handle goose removal, and he should try animal control if they were still in the yard in the morning. Desperate for help, it was then that Morrow spotted the Hailoha-Eats flyer.

“I have more than a few phobias,” says Morrow “I suffer from: meleagrisphobia, the fear of turkeys, alektorophobia, the fear of chickens, and anatidaephobia, the fear of geese. Actually, I find most birds and many social situations to be daunting at the very least. It’s the geese that’s the worst though. There’s just something terrible in the way they walk and sound. They’re so aggressive! To be honest, I wasn’t surprised that I didn’t get any support from my neighbors. I’ve learned that they have little interest in hearing my opinions about their duty to mow the sections of my lawn that their kids play on, let alone scare off dozens of geese there. However, the fact that the police refused to help was very disappointing. When I learned I’d have to wait until morning to call animal control, I could feel myself beginning to spiral into a full blown panic attack. It was then the Hailoha-Eats pamphlet caught my eye. I use the service often, and knew that every order has a “Special Instructions” section. I made the call, turned off the lights so the geese couldn’t see me with their demonic-beady-little-eyes, and waited for help.”

Within minutes delivery driver Mark Me’e pulled into Morrow’s driveway, only to find a dark house. “The order came with a request that read ‘Help with birds,’” says Me’e. “Since it was Peking duck with extra crepes, and a side of foie gras, I thought maybe it was someone who needed help dishing out the food or something. But when I turned on my brights to make sure I had the right address, I saw what it really meant. There were dozens of geese on top of the house, and a bunch more came walking up from the side yard. I half expected Tippi Hedren to appear. None of them were making any noise. They were just looking at me. It was one of the creepiest things that I’ve ever seen.

I honked the horn to scare them away but they all squawked back at me, almost in unison. Honk. Squawk. Honk. Squawk. I rolled down the window to shout at them, and it was then that I noticed that I didn’t hear any bugs or other animals. It was completely silent. I called the customer contact number, and after going to voicemail a few times, Kevin answered. I asked what was going on; he explained his phobia, and said he was pretty sure they would hurt him if he went outside. He begged me to help scare them away, and I said I’d do my best.

They weren’t acting like normal nene. When I opened the door, a bunch of them put their heads low, and made a straight line towards me. It freaked me out so much that I got back in the car, and called Kevin again. I told him that I just drive people around, and deliver food, wrangling disturbing geese was above my paygrade. He sounded so scared though, that I couldn’t just leave him in there. I remembered that I had some emergency flares in the trunk, and told Kevin that I’d need him to draw the bird’s attention so I could get to them. He turned on the lights inside, and all the geese ran to the windows. I popped the trunk and ran to get the flares. I could see some of them turn back to me as I sprinted around the car. I grabbed the flares, lit a couple, and began throwing them in the yard while screaming at the top of my lungs. I can only imagine what it must have looked like to anyone driving past, but it worked. They flew off together, and I gave Kevin his food and a big hug. It’s a delivery I’ll never forget.”

Unusual animal encounters are on the rise in Lahaina, and this incident has many guessing what may have caused the strange behavior in the usually shy geese. Some say it is shifting climate patterns forcing the birds to seek out food in new places, while others place the blame firmly on Veilcorp, their travel technology, and their solar 127 harvesting program. The Department of Land and Natural Resources is expected to release the findings of their investigation into the issue later this year.

Whatever the outcome of the DLNR’s investigation, Morrow says he can’t thank Mark enough, and just wishes he could reward him more for his actions.

“There aren’t a lot of people who would have done what Mark did. I believe he saved Howie and I that evening. That’s why it was so hard to only rate him 3 out of 5 stars and reduce his tip. There’s no doubting his bravery, but at the end of the day he is a food delivery driver, and I was forced to judge him on that criteria. By the time he scared the geese away my crepes had become soggy, and he forgot my extra cucumbers and sauce. To be honest, 3 stars was probably a little too generous. I wish his company offered some sort of personal rating system, but until they do, I have to follow their guidelines. As a person, I can’t say enough nice things about Mark Me’e, but as a delivery driver, he’s a bit wanting.”

Update on the incident at Pine Bridge

Good morning Dr. Oeming. As I’m sure you’ve already been informed, we had a possible security concern when some of the escaped R2137 or “Brisby” rats were discovered in the small town of Pine Bridge, Georgia. I’ve just completed a tour of the facility in which they had been living, recovered our animals and have left personnel to tie up any loose ends. Before I go more in depth, let me allay any concerns you may have about the incident. I am sure that I recovered all our assets (including some new pups), and I am confident we won’t be hearing anymore about the matter.

After the robbery of our Seattle facility and theft of some of the R2137 animals last Fall, you’ll remember that the decision was made to move all the rats from that lab to other, more secure locations. The process went as planned except for a group that was veiled to our Atlanta location. At some point in the move approximately 8 individuals escaped their boxes. An intense sweep of the building and the grounds yielded nothing and an alert was put out to our government partners to monitor the area. After continued searches of the facility found nothing, and no reports about large white rats acting strangely came from surrounding areas, we assumed they had fled outside and fell victim to natural predators. It appears that was an incorrect assumption.

Within a month the town of Pine Bridge, about 30 miles North of Atlanta, began to experience a rash of chicken disappearances. While it’s not unusual for a number of animals to prey on chickens, there was none of the usual signs of predation. They were simply vanishing. Despite the lack of blood, bodies, or feathers, the local Wildlife Resource Division took measures to cull the surrounding coyote population, thinking they were responsible. Even though they took in very few animals, the disappearances soon stopped and not much more was thought of it. None of the reports mentioned anything about rats and since chickens are taken all the time, it didn’t tip off any government monitoring software.

Then neighbors around the recently closed Murphy Poultry Farm began to call officials about strange noises coming from the property. Eventually the police responded when they received a call that the processing plant had started up one night. The responding officer drove up to the building but after a thorough search didn’t find any suspects. What he did find was over a hundred chickens and a number of large white rats. It was his call into the station that night that caught the attention of our partners and triggered the alert to us.

I was in Pine Bridge that following morning and began my tour of the facility around noon. The locals were told that the farm was being used by wanted Gaia Guard terrorists to hold stolen lab animals. They seemed happy with that explanation.

What I saw was truly amazing. In only a few months and without any tools, the rats had gathered enough chickens to start operations again. They even picked up a small gaggle of geese from somewhere. They had reconnected the water and electricity. Even the recycling and automated disposal systems were online, and most of the processing machinery was operational again.

I could see that a large female recognized me and was eager to show off what they had done. Not having enough feed for all the fowl, the rats would take turns herding groups of chickens into the vast fields outside so they could forage for food. I spent an hour watching groups of rats take turns escorting their wards to various foraging areas and keep watch over them like sheep dogs tending a flock.

I’m not an expert in animal husbandry or the raising of chickens, but to be honest, some of their innovations were remarkable. They made some improvements to the water recycling system to better accommodate the geese. I don’t fully understand it all but my guide seemed very insistent that I take copious notes. Her whiskers were a frenzy of excitement when we got to the chick sorting area. They had fully automated the process by chewing differently sized holes through the table screen. To be honest, it’s the most well run and efficient free range operation I’ve ever seen. If they were provided with the proper support, or were human, the business would be a huge success.

Of course after the tour we shut everything down, caged the rats, and disposed of the fowl. The responding officer doesn’t seem to know what he saw. Even if he did know the truth, I don’t think anyone would believe him. However, just to be careful, I’ve asked that his and all the communications from everyone in his station be monitored for the next several months. I honestly don’t think we have anything to worry about here.

I’m going to bring this bunch back to Lahaina with me just so there is no further trouble or mix ups. I think we might have to consider starting a little farm ourselves here. I’ve never seen the rats so happy.