STORYLINE

Merchants Association Offers Bounty On Gaia Guard Members

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I had planned on thanking you all for turning out last night at the unveiling of our ethnobotanical garden. I was going to explain to you all how important the over 100 species of endemic and indigenous plants are to the future of Lahaina. It was my intention to announce that we had opened the garden to Kanaka healers from the Mission, in the hopes of developing new medicines for us all. Instead, I’m forced to address what is becoming an all too common event in the past few weeks, the deadly attack on the Ananas Pineapple Farm.

Gaia Guard zealots sent us a message this morning confirming what many of us had already believed. They took responsibility for the latest attack, and promised more unless we, “stop pursuing the agenda of humankind and begin listening to the Earth.” In an attempt to end these senseless attacks and make the island a little safer, The Lahaina Merchants Association is offering a 5,000 rai reward for any information leading to the capture of any Gaia Guard zealot, and a 10,000 rai reward for any member dead or alive.

This was far from the first attack, but it was the deadliest so far. In the past week, Gaia Guard has launched numerous offensives, leading to great loss of life and property.

December 1, 2117:
At approximately 6:15 am a Gaia Guard strike team attacked our Whalanimal production area just south of Black Rock Beach. Five employees were killed in the attack, and many more injured. The perpetrators destroyed more than 200 gallons of Whalanimal Benthic Blue and Whalanimal Scrimshawberry flavors, saying that the drink was, “an abomination!” The group then pushed our brewing carcasses back into the sea, saying that they were letting the whales “go back home to rest.” Filled with proprietary chemicals, they were ignored by wildlife, and the tides took the carcasses out far enough that we could not immediately reach them. Unfortunately, the brewing process continued inside the whales, leading to an unexpected expelling of processing gases, and the unpleasant smell that has been lingering along the beach this week.

December 4, 2117:
A convoy transporting supplies, including over a thousand cans of SSHAM discovered in a newly uncovered portion of the SSHAM factory, was attacked by Gaia Guard zealots who had mined the road. All but one driver was killed in the explosion and ensuing attack. Many of the supplies were stolen and the vehicles were damaged beyond repair. Worst of all, the attackers opened every can of SSHAM in a large pile and set it on fire. The load was burnt so badly that it couldn’t even be repackaged as SSHAM Extra Dark. The surviving driver was told that meat, even from a can, was no longer allowed in Lahaina.

December 5, 2117:
While most of us were celebrating the opening of the garden, the Ananas Pineapple Farm was decimated. There were no survivors. Security cameras show that a brief firefight broke out at 10:00pm with farm personnel being quickly overwhelmed. Gaia Guard members can be seen destroying the pineapple crop and donning protective suits before spreading a substance throughout farm buildings. We now know that the substance was 127. The farm will be closed until proper decontamination procedures can be carried out, and the entire crop was lost.

The message claiming responsibility this morning reads in part:

“The fracture had given our mother the relief that she craved, and for many years the land and water healed, free of the taint of human interference. Our mother created many dangerous children to help keep the infestation from growing too large once again, but we knew we had to continue to stay vigilant and steadfast in our stewardship. Recently, it has become apparent that many of you did not learn anything that the fracture or our Mother has tried to teach you. You use the bodies of some of her most majestic children to brew foul drinks, you eat flesh that you’ve stuffed in cans, and you harvest plants that are not native to the soil, in order to sustain the growing number of parasites on the island. We applaud the opening of your garden of native species. It is proof that you know what is right in your heart, letting our Mother nurture her children in their proper place. Your continued efforts to restore what has been deemed cancerous by the very fabric of existence itself is unacceptable, and we will make sure that any further efforts to rebuild the past end with your deaths.”

As you can clearly see, these zealots need to be stopped. The Lahaina Merchants Association recommends caution when trying to deal with these dangerous individuals, they are armed and exceedingly dangerous. All information, and rewards must be processed through our main office just East of Kalani Beach. The LMA is not responsible for any loss of life or limb while in the pursuit of collecting a Gaia Guard bounty.

STORYLINE

Greg Iona: Restored From Backup

This was not how I imagined my day would start. She says her name is Saraphim, and that the world as we know it is gone. She says something about backups, and Ambassador class accounts and some other stuff, but my head is spinning. My body feels strange. I turn around and recognize where I am for the first time and can’t quite believe it. She’s telling the truth. I’m about half a mile away from the veil station. Everything is ruined.

I realize I’m saying “What happened,” over and over again. She keeps telling me, but I can’t process it yet. It’s over 60 years later, but I don’t remember anything about…the veils fractured!?. She says she restored me from backup. I must have died. I don’t remember dying. I’m not even sure that I’m really me. I don’t know what I’d think if I was a religious man. She says there’s lots more people waiting and needs me to walk around, make sure my body is working correctly. She wants me to see what I can find and if there’s any survivors. I look around. My eyes hurt, but I see something in the distance. It’s a beached whale and there’s someone near it. I start walking.

The smell is almost over powering. I get close and see that there’s actually someone inside the body cavity and more people around. It’s some kind of bar. There’s a sign that says “Rita’s Refreshments”. They stare at me as I walk up. I take a seat on a stool. “We’re all out of Scrimshawberry,” the woman says before pushing a glass of something greenish blue at me. She says it’s 10 rai, but I don’t have whatever that is, and I give her my hat instead. They call the drink Whalmanimal. My mouth rejects the liquid as soon as it touches my tongue; it’s awful but my fellow patrons seem to like it. They compliment my clothes and ask if I want to sell or trade them and if I’m from Pu’u. I tell them no to both.

I ask if the DLNR came out to talk to her about the whale. She gives me a strange look and says she’s not interested in selling. I realize I haven’t heard an engine yet, seen a boat, or watched a drone fly by. I’m not sure what I can do here. I was once appointed to study the effects of 127 on the native flora and fauna. I think I can do the most good by looking around the beach and forest to assess the fracture’s impact the environment. My body is feeling better despite the fact that the first thing I had to drink in close to a century was this murky swill.

After a few miles of walking, I find a gigantic banyan tree, at least twice the size it should be. Everything else seems normal at first. I find ohi’a and rattlesnake plants and watch a red-crested cardinal for a few minutes. I close my eyes and listen to the song of a saffron finch. Maybe nature withstood the fracture better than people did. I walk a few more hours in the forest when I see them, and I stop dead in my tracks .

There’s three of them, whatever they are. I assume the two facing off and circling are males fighting for the attention of the less colorful female. They look like wild pigs but are covered in some kind of carapace. Their eyes are on stalks like a crab or prawn. I can’t get over how shiny and colorful their shells are, they sparkle when the sun catches them just right. They just keep circling and occasionally butting heads. I don’t move because I don’t know if they’re dangerous. If this is what happened to the pigs, I don’t want to see what happened to the geese. There were many reports of them getting more aggressive back in my time. Who knows what they might be capable of now.

The sun will be down in a few hours. I decide to walk back to the whale and figure out where I’m going to sleep for the night when I hear a cry. I recognize it. It’s an axis deer alarm call, but it keeps going. Something has the deer scared. Despite my better judgement I walk towards the sound. The forest is very thick here, and fog is coming in, making it hard to see. The deer keeps calling and it sounds like I’m getting close. I stop to untangle some vines from around my boot when I feel him grab me. He puts his hand over my mouth and pulls me down. I start to fight back but he’s stronger. I turn my head and see that he has a finger up to his mouth, urging me to be quiet. I calm down and he points ahead.

I might have missed them if I was still walking. A pack of wolves is working their way across the ridge ahead. It’s hard to tell how many in the fog but it’s at least 6. The deer keeps calling and it sounds close now. The wolves look hungry and I turn to thank whoever this is. There isn’t much I could tell Saraphim from inside a wolf’s belly. That’s when I notice he’s still pointing at something else in the forest, just beyond the wolves.

I still don’t see anything, but the fog is really thick now and it sounds like the deer is only yards away. I notice the fog swirl a bit before I see it. It’s like the forest comes alive around the lead wolf. It’s a tangle of leaves, vines, and teeth. One of the wolves is hurled through the air and the rest run off. I watch it stand up in front of the pack leader. It’s a woman covered in leaves and vines. For a minute I think she’s wearing some kind of ghillie suit until I see the vines dig their way into the side of the wolf. I’m too scared to move. She leans over the animal and mimics a bird call as she feeds on him. I let out a gasp and she looks our way. She opens her mouth and lets out a deer call followed by a loud hissing noise. I don’t know if I stood up on my own or if he picked me up. I just remember running and screaming every time a vine hit my face.

His name is Laki and his people are called the Kanaka. The thing we ran from is a Green Lady, and from the way everyone looked at us when he told the story, we were lucky to make it back to the village alive. They ask me if I’m from Pu’u as well, but some seem happy when I tell them no. This is a strange place. I see people walking around with shark-toothed clubs and night vision goggles. I watch a group of them invoke the spirits to keep the green lady away and draw warnings in the sand before cooking their food in a flash oven. I listen a lot and say very little. I think that’s best until I figure out the situation. Laki says that he’ll take me to Pu’u in the morning, but for now I’m going to have a meal and try to get some rest. Here’s what I’ve learned so far. Being restored from backup makes your body tingle for a few hours, but everything seems to be working fine now. The power grid seems to be gone and working technology seems to be rare. Food and water must be scarce because people are drinking some sort of disgusting Manimal knock-off inside the body of a dead whale. Oh, and monsters are real now! It’s been a hell of a first day back, Saraphim.

STORYLINE

How the Veilstorm changed Lahaina

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The topic of my report for Lahaina history week is the Veilstorm. Lots of people say that the Veilstorm was worse than the big accident, but I’m not sure. It made the island the place it is today and made it so that I got to meet Nana. She has protected us for a long time and always smiles and says “Be mindful little Akamai and stay on the trail.” whenever I leave Pu`u.

Nobody knows what made the big accident happen. Some people say it was a bomb. Some say it was because everyone there was lazy and didn’t fix things when they broke. My cousin says it was because we had gone against the laws of nature, but he’s weird and thinks lots of crazy things. What everyone seems to agree on is what made some of the animals mean and what turned some people into monsters, it was the Veilstorm.

The accident damaged lots of buildings and pushed some houses right over. The people who survived had to find places to go. Lots of people went to emergency shelters but many weren’t close enough and had to find someplace else to go. For many that meant going inside the lava tubes that Veilcorp was using to store the 127 they used to power the station. That was a big mistake.

What they didn’t know was that a really big storm was coming. It was the worst storm that anyone could remember. For 5 days the wind ripped through the trees and knocked down more buildings. It rained so much that parts of the island flooded and brought up some of the 127 from the tunnels. The wind spread it across the island and the rain turned orange. There wasn’t anyplace to go for lots of people. Some got sick and some didn’t make it. But some of the people who got sick started to change.

Nana and her brother Kino were teachers before the accident and they were the first to go out and look for people. They checked lots of different places like Front street, the radio tower, and Hahai Ranch. They were so busy trying to help people that they got caught in the orange rain for a long time and both got really sick. Because they helped so many people, everyone was really sad when they got sick. Kino got a bunch of weird bumps on his skin. Nana was lucky and only had a fever for a few days.

Some of the people in town were worried that Kino would make other people sick so Nana took him to their house to take care of him. She worked and worked to clean up the mess in town and take care of Kino. It wasn’t long before some people noticed that Nana never slept and she could work for hours and never get tired. A few other people began to say or do weird things too. Some of them said they could have conversations without talking or make things move by wishing they would. They were the lucky ones.

For every person who could do special things on the inside there were a bunch that just changed on the outside. Lots of them lost their hair or teeth some had even worse things happen. Nobody was sure what to do. Then people began to talk about how animals had started to change to. The really big boars began to show up and people had to be careful in the jungle. Everywhere on the island the animals and people who were outside during the Veilstorm started to change.

One day a bunch of the village went out to the lava tubes to look for food and they were attacked. All the people who had been staying there had changed. Their arms got longer and stronger. They got sharp teeth and they forgot who they were. They became the monsters that we now call the night marchers. Lots of villagers didn’t make it out of the tunnels, but some managed to. They ran as fast as they could back with the night marchers right behind. Nana was the first to spot them.

She sounded the alarm and everyone got weapons or went inside the old school. There wasn’t a gate back then so Nana knew she needed to slow them down somehow so people could get to safety. She ran to her house yelling Kino’s name. Nobody had seen her brother in weeks and when he came out they didn’t know what to think. The bumps on his skin were all over and he was so big he almost didn’t fit out the door. Nana pointed towards the people running up the hill and the monsters chasing them. That’s all Kino needed to see.

He charged down the hill screaming and waving a big pole over his head. It was so scary that some of the villagers stopped and ran back the other way towards the night marchers. Kino’s pole slammed into the first night marcher and sent it flying. The rest ignored the villagers and jumped on Kino. It was a long fight, but eventually all the night marchers gave up and ran away. Kino and Nana saved the village but Kino was hurt bad.

People couldn’t stop talking about the monsters and how Kino used one as a club after he lost his pole in the fight. They were scared about the monsters and that Kino might hurt someone in the village one day, so they decided he had to go. They gathered up everyone who looked sick and made them live someplace else. Lots of the people who had to leave got together for safety. Eventually they met other people who were sick and made their own villages. Some started to call themselves the Kānaka.

Nana stayed and still watches the trail from the front gate even though she’s old now. People say she still doesn’t sleep, but she never seems grumpy like my mom does when she’s tired. I guess that’s what makes her such a good gate guard. I’m sorry that her brother had to go live someplace else and that so many people got sick or died. Even though the Veilstorm turned some people into monsters it turned some people into heroes too.

Akamai Mahelona
4th Grade
Pu`u School Lahaina

STORYLINE

Dr. Dalia Forsythe Documents Progression of the Great Veil Pandemic

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October 27, 2050– It’s been exactly a month since the fracturing, and as strange as it may sound, I’m beginning to think of all this as normal. We’ve managed to get through those first few terrible days, and have scrounged what supplies we could from the urgent care facilities in the area. Maintenance has fixed the problems with the solar generator and we’ve been in continuous contact with a hospital in Seattle. As luck would have it, they have a Reppare Biologic epidemiologists onsite. They’ve had better luck with communications than us, and have had intermittent contact with others. It’s the same everywhere. Power grids and water supplies have been destroyed worldwide. Combined with the accompanying fires, widespread radiation, and severe weather effects caused by the accident, billions have died across the globe. As hard as it is to believe, we may be among the luckiest.

November 2, 2050– Had a young girl come in this morning with purple spots all over her body and an extremely high fever. We had a few patients with similar spots during the chaos last month, but haven’t seen anything like it since. All those patients died so I’m worried about her prognosis. I’m moving her to a different floor just in case it is contagious.

November 3, 2050– One of the nurses who brought the girl upstairs yesterday found a purple spot on her neck this morning, and we’ve had three more patients come in today. I’ve decided to change course and bring her back down. Everyone who is able to be moved is being relocated throughout the hospital. We’ll do triage outside under the awning from now on. I’m not sure what we’re dealing with. Like before, the Reparre machines don’t seem to recognize the patient’s DNA as human. I’ve instructed the staff to wear protective gear when dealing with them. Haven’t heard back from the epidemiologists yet.

November 10, 2050– We’re calling it Ube Fever after the purple yam. Victim’s first present with dark violet spots, high fever, and delirium. The skin thickens, cracks, and eventually sloughs off. Those who are lucky, die of organ failure before the cracking gets too bad. Those that don’t, scream for days, or until their voices give out. It’s happening everywhere. All but two nurses who had contact with the little girl last week have caught it. The girl didn’t make it. We have over 20 patients in various stages of the disease in the emergency room. Seattle had its first victim yesterday. I’ve sent them all the data we’ve collected, but it isn’t much.

November 11, 2050– I had an idea last night. We’ve turned the Newuskin machines back on and are scanning patients and collecting data even when the machine says it’s corrupted. Maybe someone smarter than me will find it useful. We had some success with one of our patients who had been in recently for a melanoma removal. We still had her data on record and were able to replace her thickened skin, but she is still suffering from the other symptoms of the disease.

November 12, 2050– Seattle confirmed what I feared. They say it has spread as far away as London and Singapore. Before the fracture, there was a lot of talk about 127 affecting wildlife and changing DNA. The element is mutating the bacteria at such a frightening speed that I don’t know how we’re going to stay ahead of it. We’re down to 5 staff members including me, and the hospital is packed with screaming patients. It’s background noise to me now, like the sound of the waves when you’re on the beach. I don’t know what we’re going to do with the bodies.

November 14, 2050– The epidemiologist hasn’t had much luck. They’ve tried a number of treatments and protocols without success. He estimates that by the end of the week Ube Fever will have sent 400 million into backup. I sent him my findings using the Newuskin machines. I think that if we had complete system data of everyone we might be able to make some progress. I’ve started running complete scans of everyone, even the few of us who haven’t caught the disease, just in case. The non-recyclable portions of the bodies have started to pile up. We’ve had people truck them to the lava floes for disposal.

November 16, 2050– He’s modified the estimate to 600 million lost worlwide. We aren’t even sure how many people are left. The screams have quieted down. The quiet is a result of all the deaths and not anything I’ve done medically for these people. Yesterday was the first day we didn’t have a new patient come in. This thing is running out of people to infect.

November 25, 2050– I haven’t been able to contact Seattle in over a week. Only a few patients are still alive and even the ones who might pull through won’t be able to lead normal lives. I’m not sure why I was never infected when everyone else was. I’d gladly let someone more knowledgeable take blood, tissue, or whatever else they needed. I don’t know if the Nuuskin procedures I shared worked for anyone else. For all I know there isn’t anyone else. I hope that there are others spared from infection like me, but it’s been days since I’ve seen anyone else in good health. I’m afraid that In a little less than a month the Ube Fever has managed to finish what the fracture started. I’m not sure what I’ll do when the last of them passes and it’s just me. It may be Thanksgiving but I’m having a hard time thinking of anything to be thankful for.

STORYLINE

Hungry Boar Breaks Into Second Big Bites Store

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For the second time in as many weeks, cameras have caught a hungry boar breaking into an area Big Bites location, and eating thousands of dollars worth of merchandise. The Lahaina police say they responded to an alarm at 2332 Lahainaluna Road early Saturday, only to find signs of a break-in and a vandalized store. Upon review of the security footage, it was discovered that the burglar was a familiar, but unusual looking boar, making a pig out of himself on the store’s products. Officials say that it is extremely rare for a boar to come so close to the city, and warn the public to stay away, and call the DLNR if they spot the beast.

Nicknamed “Fatback” because of it’s strangely colored hump and bulbous eyes, the animal has become a bit of an online sensation since the release of a video last Monday. The footage shows the beast breaking into the first Big Bites location, and treating the store like a buffet. This latest video has only increased interest, and has some calling the incidents publicity stunts, or even proof of the urban legend of the the Shrig.

Lahaina Police posted a video on their YouTube and Glimpsea pages last week titled-“Big Boar Likes Big Bites”- that showed the boar eating sausage, and later, jerky from a cooler that it had opened with its snout. The video soon had millions of views world wide, with many calling the video some sort of viral campaign, a claim officials vehemently deny.

A police spokesperson says, “I can understand why people would be dubious. The boar looks and acts strangely, and it has now broken into two different locations of the same meat-centric convenience store. However, if this job has taught me anything, it’s that once you think you’ve seen it all, something like this happens and reminds you that you haven’t.”

Greg Iona of the Department of Land and Natural Resources says that it is extremely rare for a boar to wander so close to people, especially on this part of the island. He says that the boar is likely injured, and unable to find food normally due to its deformities, making it extremely dangerous.

“Boar attacks are rare but not unheard of. A family was viciously attacked in the Hana Forest Reserve back in 2025. In that case, several people were hospitalized and the boar was euthanized. However, that was on the opposite end of the island. We just don’t see a lot of boars in the Lahaina area, and I’ve never heard of one breaking into a store, let alone doing it twice. I’ve looked at the security footage, and in my opinion this animal’s deformity has left it unable to fend for itself. Pigs are very smart, and unfortunately this one has started to associate human sounds and smells with food, making it very dangerous. We’re talking about an animal strong enough to break down a door to get what it wants. We are doing everything we can to capture the animal before it causes any further damage or hurts someone seriously.”

Bob Abramo, owner of the Big Bites chain, also denies that the videos are a publicity stunt, but says he is conflicted about the break-ins and the boar itself. “There’s no doubt that Fatback has been good for business, but he has ruined over 100 pounds of premium sausage, and eaten $1000 worth of the world’s best jerky so far. He obviously has great taste, but he’s taking meat out of my mouth, and that’s something I just can’t have.”

Abramo has offered a reward to anyone who is able to bag the beast, or facilitate its capture, with the condition that he gets the boar. He says,

“I’m an eye for an eye, and a bite for a bite kind of guy. Anyone who is able to bring me Fatback, alive or dead, will get a free weekly meal at The Chop House for a year. I’m talking about a good meal too, with appetizers and mandatory dessert. You’ll leave stuffed. Part of the reason some Iberian hams are so good is that the pigs eat almost nothing but acorns during the Fall. This gives the meat a distinctive nutty aftertaste. What an animal eats is hugely important to its flavor. In this case, we have an animal who has been living for the past few weeks on some of the best meat and meat snacks in the world. I can’t wait to taste him! Fattened up on the Abramo premium sausage blend, with smoky-salty notes of select jerky…..I can’t stop my mouth from watering to be honest. The DLNR has estimated him to weigh over 300 pounds from the video, but i’d guess he’s closer to 400. That’s a lot of double pork sandwiches to help settle my nerves and stomach.”

STORYLINE

New Manimal Drink Helps Fuel Couple’s Unlikely Rescue

A pair of extreme tree climbers were saved over the weekend after falling, and suffering serious injuries late Friday night. 27-year-old Craig Hema and his wife 25-year-old Brook, suffered broken bones and internal injuries after a failed attempt to climb Okilani, an ancient Ohi’a tree in the news recently because of its amazing growth spurt. However, it’s not the couples accident that has caught the public’s attention, it is how the pair, with the help of a new Manimal formula, saved themselves from a potentially deadly situation.

Maui has become a hotspot for recreational tree climbers over the past few years. With the discovery of many unusually large trees in remote locations, like the venerable Okilani, and the abundance of huge banyans across the island, climbers from around the world are seeking out the challenges offered by the Hawaiian wilds. Extreme free-climbing enthusiasts, the Hema’s have climbed virtually everything over the years from buildings, bridges, to mountains, but it is huge trees that have grabbed their attention lately. “It was our dream to climb every species over 130 feet tall. When we read about Okilani, we packed our gear, our Manimal Black, and bought tickets to Maui,” says Brook.

With a map to the ancient tree’s location purchased from a local, and one of the public Manimal ATVs, the pair set off to find their target. “The map wasn’t exactly accurate. By time we found her, it was already getting dark, and our ATV had died,” says Craig. “We had less than an hour of light left and heck of a long hike in the morning, so I decided we should hurry up and climb. That was a huge mistake.”

During their climb a branch broke under Brook, causing her to fall on Craig, and bringing both tumbling to the ground. Brook suffered a sprained knee, a broken hand, and multiple contusions, Craig however was not so lucky. A broken pelvis and multiple rib fractures made it almost impossible for the 27-year-old climber to move. Knowing that they would have to spend the night, Brook started a fire to see them through until morning.

“It was so cold that night, and I was having a hard time keeping Craig awake. I was afraid that if he fell asleep, he wouldn’t wake up. Luckily, we had plenty of Manimal Black to keep us awake. I knew that there was no chance he’d fall asleep pumped with so many energy charged chemicals coursing through him. Even though the bottle says not to drink more than one can every six hours, I gave him three to pound in a row. It worked! We made it through the night, and by morning Craig was really jittery and anxious to leave. Since a god portion of the way out was going to be downhill, my plan was to put him on the ATV and push him as far as I could before going out on my own for help. I packed up our stuff and poured some of the Manimal on the fire and something amazing happened. Instead of putting it out, the fire flamed up, singeing my hair. That gave me an idea.”

“When Brook said she was going to pour the rest of our Manimal Black into the ATV’s emergency tank, I told her it would never work. I’ve never been so glad to be wrong,” says Craig. “I couldn’t believe it when the motor turned over, even if it sounded terrible. The engine was knocking, it would backfire a cloud of really sour smelling fumes every now and then, and the air around us tasted like salt, but it was definitely running. We had to go slow because every bump was agony, and the engine light came on almost right away, but we made it to a main road right before the engine seized. I’ll never go anywhere again without a Manimal Black in my bag. I truly believed in saved my life,” adds Craig.

The couple were treated at the Lahaina Medical center, where Craig remains due to the severity of his injuries. DLNR Senior Investigator Greg Iona has ticketed the pair for the damage caused to Okilani, but says the tree will survive. “This is a living thing that has been around for over 4,000 years. It has seen the rise and fall of countless governments and civilizations. It has seen amazing leaps in science and technology, and the worst follies of man. Above all, it deserves to not be treated as someone’s personal jungle gym. It deserves our respect. I’m glad that the only thing permanently damaged in this case was the ATVs engine, but we can not allow the exploitation of protected flora on the island. I hope they’ve learned their lesson.”

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane, on the other hand, says that the Hema’s story is an inspiration, and he’s glad that Manimal was there when they needed it.

“Manimal Black is the most powerful energy drink ever created. There’s a reason the label says: Do not drink more than 1 can every 6 hours, not suitable for children, pregnant woman, and those sensitive to extreme hydration. We warn about jitters, unusual redness, dizziness and hot flashes, but I guess we’re going to have to add something about keeping it away from open flames,” he jokes. “In all seriousness, Manimal Black promises that it’s an overly salted, aggressively sour lemon/lime…..punch to the face. Sometimes in a crisis that’s exactly what you need. I’m glad Manimal Black could help the Hemas make it through what could have been a really dark day. We wish them many more awesome adventures with a can of Manimal by their side. Manimal Black is the perfect fuel for peak human performance, however, our legal department feels it’s necessary for me to point out that it should never be used as a fuel or fuel additive in any vehicle. It can cause misfires, reduced engine power, knocking, valve fouling, catalytic poisoning, it can act as a solvent, and can potentially cause permanent damage to your vehicle.”

STORYLINE

Competition To Crown New Duracave Brand Ambassador Wraps-Up This Weekend

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In a little over 48 hours, Duracave, the popular maker of outdoor and survival gear, will be one step closer to crowning a new brand ambassador. The semi-final leg of the competition wraps up Saturday evening, bringing a group of Duracave enthusiast within reach of becoming the face of the company. Notwithstanding a few hiccups, the competition has been a huge marketing success, with millions following the company’s livestream and watching contest videos.

Almost 2 months ago, Duracave announced the search for a customer to become the new brand ambassador. The company screened thousands of videos looking for a spokesperson who not only used Duracave products, but had “the will, ingenuity, and heart of a real survivor.” Hundreds of hopefuls have been whittled down to a dedicated dozen, who have spent the last 5 days in West Maui with only their skills, what they can find around them, and Duracave products to survive.

Duracave CEO Barrett Stone says he couldn’t be more proud of the contestants who’ve made it this far, “Survival isn’t a game where there’s winners and losers. You either survive or you don’t, it’s that simple. I can’t say that I’m proud of everyone who entered so far, after all there is no such thing as a Duracave participation trophy. Frankly, I cringe a little when I think about some of the contestants we’ve seen using our products, but I can say that I would be proud to drink some purified urine with any of our 12 semi-finalists!”

While many companies have turned towards crowdsourced contests and competitions to promote their products cheaply, Stone says the Duracave challenge is more about brand authenticity.

“All too often consumers see spokespeople who are just paid actors or people with no organic connection to a product. Our customers are just too savvy to believe that models eat cheeseburgers by the handful, or that celebrity don’t have people who handle their finances and credit card bills for them. Duracave lovers don’t have the patience for that kind of nonsense, and we wouldn’t patronize them with a clean-faced spokesperson in freshly pressed pants.

We want a brand ambassador as authentic and real as the struggle to survive is. We want someone who: knows how to gut an ungulate with a sharp rock. Someone who not only knows what the water from a puddle tastes like, but has learned to love it. The kind of person who puts their survival and that of their loved ones above all else, and is willing to do what others won’t to secure it. We want someone ready to do what it takes after a natural disaster or a government insurrection. Our products are valuable tools for people like that, and we want one of them speaking for us.”

Despite authorities having to save one contestant after his handmade outrigger canoe became swamped by waves near Black Rock Beach earlier this week, the competition has gone off without a hitch. Many were concerned that would-be ambassadors would disturb protected areas inside the Lahaina preservation zone. Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) senior investigator Greg Iona says, “So far there haven’t been any problems in that area. In fact, a few haven’t even gone inside the zone so far.”

One such contestant, Lahaina’s own Randy Wilcox, says avoiding wild areas is part of his strategy. “Most people aren’t going to be out in the middle of nowhere when everything goes to hell; they’re going to be in a city. I’m focusing on showing how Duracave can help you survive in an urban setting too.”

So far his strategy has paid off, and his unconventional strategy has made Wilcox a fan favorite.

“Unlike most contestants I’ve chosen a beach area to show-off my skills. While it may be too windy for a structure built from sticks and twine, I’ve built a hut out of empty Manimal cans filled with sand and a few repurposed beach umbrellas. I’ve cubed up a couple cans of SSHAM, and are using them as candles. Not only do they provide enough light to allow me to work on my manifesto at night, but the smell attracts crabs and some of the slower moving seabirds. I’ve been using whatever comes to close to my hut to supplement my stash of Fred’s Famous Raccoon Noodles. I also borrowed my nephew’s “Little Liberty Survival Kit” for this stretch of the competition, and have cobbled together a speargun. I’ve been trying to attract sharks on the other side of the reef with my own blood. Even though I haven’t been able to land one yet; It’s only a matter of time before I’m able to chum one close enough to hit. These other competitors may have worked hard and endured uncomfortable circumstances, but I’m the only one who has actually added blood to their sweat and tears. Duracave deserves nothing less in their next spokesperson!”

STORYLINE

Watchdog Group Warns That Explosion at Lahaina Business Was Caused by 127-Laden Fruit

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The investigation into a recent accident at one of the popular “Pineapples and Oranges” smoothie bars in downtown Lahaina took a strange twist today, thanks to the watchdog group VeilWatch. The group released internal Veilcorp documents which they say prove the explosion at the popular bar was caused by fruit “saturated by high levels of element 127.” Officials say that they are exploring any and all leads regarding the accident which injured 5, but have not had time to review the documents sent to multiple media outlets yet. Veilcorp vehemently denies the group’s claims calling them an “unfortunate but wholly predictable attempt to mislead the public.”

One of the most beloved refreshment stops on Front Street, Pineapples and Oranges, has expanded throughout Maui, but the busiest store remains the original Lahaina location. It’s not unusual to wait 20-30 minutes during peak hours, and the lines on the weekends have become legendary. Given its popularity, officials say it is a miracle that more people were not injured after an explosion rocked the store hard enough to shatter windows on Saturday. Despite early reports of another terror attack, investigators now say they are focusing on a malfunctioning LuWow! blender as the most likely culprit. However, Tim Durney, former investigator for the Iowa Department of Natural Resources, and founder of the watchdog group VeilWatch, says that he believes unprecedented levels of 127 in bananas is responsible, and he has the documents to prove it.

“To be clear, the cause of this explosion which sent 5 innocent people to the hospital was likely smoothie ingredients laden with 127. We’ve released internal Veilcorp communications proving that the corporation knew that 127 has potassium-like affinities making it possible to build up in explosive amounts in certain fruits, like bananas. Thanks to the company’s Icarus project, we’ve already seen what the dangerous levels of 127 currently saturating the Earth can do to animal life. It should come as no surprise that it would have an equally deleterious effect on plants. In fact the emails we released today prove that Veilcorp knew about the potential problem and failed to warn the public. Who knows what else is slowly being charged with 127, and getting ready to blow.”

Veilcorp officials released a short statement reading in part, “Far more dangerous than Mr. Durney’s theoretical banana bomb, is his unfortunate but wholly predictable attempt to mislead the public…We wish those injured this weekend a speedy recovery. It is a shame that Veilwatch chooses to exploit such incidents to further their agenda of misinformation and cloud this investigation.”

While the new accusations may not add any clarity to the situation, one man present during the explosion says he believes the investigators are on the right track. Store manager John Driscol says that one LuWOW! machine in particular is to blame.

“Everyone who works in the Front Street store knows the history of machine number 4. We have 8 commercial blenders at that location, but number 4 has a mind of its own, and it’s troubled. I took this job because I’m a huge smoothie fan, and I didn’t know exactly what a store manager did. I thought I could just delegate most responsibilities. I’m a great delegator, but it turned out the job occasionally demands I be more hands-on than I thought.

Number 4 is the only original smoothie machine left, and it’s had a bad attitude ever since we got rid of its companions. It started making really weird noises during the defrosting cycle at the end of the night. It sounded like a scream mixed with laughter. I thought for sure a bearing was going out, but it’d stop whenever maintenance showed up, and they could never find anything wrong with it. Then, It started making the noise whenever an employee spilled or broke something too. It was really unnerving. It got so bad nobody wanted to use it. Eventually it went too far and things got scary.

One night it was cackling louder than usual, so I told Bobby to take the top off and look inside, hoping that he’d see something that maintenance missed. As soon as he took the top off the cleaning cycle stopped. He saw a big chunk of ice caught in the corner and tried to pull it out. When he stuck his hand in, the thing started again and it took off the tip of his finger. We dumped out the whole tub but never found the gram of flesh it took from Bobby. But it had now tasted blood. It started to make the noise whenever he got close, and he couldn’t take it anymore. Bobby requested a transfer the morning of the incident. I was so mad that I went out there and told number 4 that I’d be damned if I was going to lose a good fruit dicer to an evil smoothie machine. I was in the middle of my rant when it blew. People may think we’re crazy, but everyone at the store knows what happened, and what’s to blame. It was number 4. I’m sorry that so many people were injured, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t going to sleep easier knowing that smoothie machine is gone.”

STORYLINE

Kayaking Tourists Attacked While Trying To Film Otters

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Sea otters attacked a tourist and her family near Oneloa Bay early Saturday morning. The group were kayaking near the otters when the pod began to push the boats, jump out of the water, and attack the tourists. Witnesses say the otters managed to flip one of the kayaks in the horrifying attack. Several family members were treated for bites at the Lahaina Medical Center. Officials say such behavior in sea otters is almost unheard of. They are investigating the incident, and checking the otters for a possible rabies outbreak.

48-year-old Camilla Brandt says that she thought getting a few pictures of Oneloa Bay’s newly discovered sea otter pod would be a great way to cap off “the vacation of a lifetime.” However that dream soon became a nightmare, when her youngest son approached the pod with his phone out to take a picture. “It was like someone flipped a switch inside them,” says Brandt.

“Cody was so focused on getting himself in the frame that he didn’t see the big one flying through the water at him. It grabbed the front of the kayak, and almost knocked him over. The rest just started swarming. Tim and I paddled as fast as we could, but in a few seconds they were all over Cody and the kayak. Then they started jumping on our boats and trying to push us over too. I screamed when I saw Cody hit the water. Thankfully, some nearby fishermen saw the whole thing, and came to our rescue. If it wasn’t for them slapping the water, and the noise of their motor, I’m not sure we would have made it back alive. To top it off, as we were being pulled onboard, I saw one of the otters with Cody’s phone on its chest, smashing it with a rock. I don’t care what anyone says; they may look cute on TV, but these things are killers!”

The tourists were taken the Lahaina Medical center following the attack. Camilla and her husband were treated for minor contusions and lacerations, while their son Cody received over 30 stitches, and was held overnight for observation. As a precautionary measure, everyone received treatment for rabies.

Reports of conflicts between tourists and wildlife have been on the rise, particularly with the native Nene population. The State Bird has been the subject of numerous reported attacks this year. Back in February a couple claimed to have been “held hostage” by a group of Nene overnight. However, this is the first report of aggressive behavior in the otters. While he does recommend caution when dealing with any wild animal, Greg Iona of the Department of Land and Natural Rsources (DLNR) says that the otters are nothing to worry about. “We will be testing individuals for rabies, but at this point it appears laws about harassing the pod, and getting too close were broken, leading to the unfortunate incident,” Iona says.

“Such aggressive behavior in otters is almost unheard of, but all wild animals can be unpredictable, especially when they feel their young are in danger. Add that to the fact that this is a population of animals that is normally not found in this area. We don’t really know what “normal” behavior might be for the otters living in our waters. People forget that these are big animals too. A fully grown male sea otter can weigh almost 100 pounds, that’s about the size of a German Shepherd. Having said that, and despite the incident Saturday, we have no evidence that our otters are any more dangerous than normal. Right now all the witness statements are clear that despites warnings, and laws against harassing the animals, the Brandt’s were much too close. We believe something about the reflection from the phone, and the proximity to young triggered an aggressive response in the otters. We can’t say enough how important it is to give these wild animals the space they deserve.”

Local residents have mixed feelings about the attack. Some in the area say they will now keep young children from playing in the water, and will avoid Oneloa Bay altogether. Others put the blame on the tourists. One Lahaina resident however says that the real culprit in the incident is Cody’s phone, and the unrealistic view of reality that it fosters. “He may not appreciate it now, but the otter that smashed his phone did him a huge favor,” says author Kevin Morrow.

“I’ve been studying photographs on social media recently, and have been blown away by my findings. The days of simple landscape shots, and family portraits in front of a standard background are over. There is no end to the number of filters, manipulating tools, and animations a young person can add to photos now. With the press of a button they can add: beauty make-up, dog ears, stars, rainbows, or even other people and objects to their pictures. They can even digitally place themselves in other locations. They used to say that “seeing is believing” but what does a young mind do when virtually nothing they see is based in reality. It was hard enough for me to navigate my nephew’s hall of mirrors-like photo section. I can only imagine what it’s like for the average young teen growing up with pictures worth a thousand imaginary words. I believe we need to start regulating these dangerous photo filters before someone decides to get a close-up of a tiger shark to see what historical figure it looks most like. In my opinion, we’re sitting on a photo bomb ready to explode.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Advertiser Corrections & Clarifications

The Lahaina Advertiser is committed to bringing you news and content that informs, engages, and entertains. We pride ourselves with holding the highest editorial and journalistic standards, delivering to our readers accurate, impartial, and timely stories. However, mistakes are sometimes made. When errors are brought to our attention, we seek to publish corrections and clarifications promptly and transparently. This page brings together in one place all of the corrections and clarifications made to The Lahaina Advertiser across print and digital platforms, whether as a result of complaints or further developments in a story.

April 24, 2050

  • This Mutant Crayfish Clones Itself, and It’s Taking Over Maui


An earlier version of this story misspelled the scientific name for the Red Swamp Crayfish. It is Procambarus clarkii, not Procambarus clak. Also, we have been informed that the crayfish in question does not have the ability to clone itself, and was introduced in 1923, contrary to our assertion that its presence is a mystery. Hula Noodle owner Ralph Umeke did want us to stress that the clarkii are “nasty” and nearly inedible, even with copious handfuls of garlic.

  • Randy Wilcox, Trailblazing Reality TV and Streaming Star, Dies at 46


Although seriously injured, Randy Wilcox is very much alive and recovering in the Lahaina Medical Center. Some of our readers also took issue with calling Mr. Wilcox a “star” or even “Mr.”, the latter of which is a requirement of our manual on style.

April 25, 2050

  • Veilcorp Studies Security Policies and Sees “Little Risk” to Bottom Line


An earlier version of this story misstated the portion of Veilcorp’s business that the company estimates would be affected by stricter global security policies. A spokesperson for Veilcorp says the company’s internal security protocols already exceed the measures proposed, and would not affect operations at all.

April 26, 2050

  • Hailoha Defends New Sea Service


We had mistakenly reported that Mayor Albert Cravalho had no comment on the matter. However, he had actually called for a closer look into the business, and threatened to shut down the water-based ride share service.

  • Six Films to Stream if You Loved “Veil of Terror: A Bride’s Nightmare”


Many of you suggested that Veil of Terror stands alone as one of the worst movies ever made. Readers suggested that the jerky camera work, ham-handed storyline, and actors taking on more than one role, made the film unlike any other, and trying to attach some similarity to six other films was not fair. On further review, we agreed and removed the story altogether. One of the complaints was in Esperanto, and went unresponded to.

  • What Cameras On Monk Seals Show Us: It’s Tough Out There


An earlier version of this article misstated the amount of weight lost by some seals in the study. The seals that stay around Maui during the summer lost as much as 10 percent of their body mass, not 80 percent.

  • A reader tells us that after 31 years of entering the jumble rumble competition, she finally won, only for us to spell her name incorrectly. Congratulations go to Helen Kapua and not Harold Kaper. Apologies Helen.

April 28, 2050

  • PZ Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate Forced Into Apology For Maligning Civil Service


This article was amended after Mrs. Stonegate pointed out that she had in fact not apologized yet, and had no plan to. In addition, an earlier version misnamed the Center for Hawaiian Political Reform as the Center for Hawaiian Political Research.

  • What do Students Really Expect To Learn at the University of Maui Lahaina College?


This article was pulled after it was discovered that Kimberly Hekili, the only individual interviewed, was not a current student but rather had attended the unversity in 2046.

April 29, 2050

  • Hundreds of County Parks Ordered Closed Across Lahaina


We mistakenly said that more than 500 parks have closed in Lahaina since 2034 due to budget cuts. Greg Iona from the DLNR pointed out that there aren’t that many parks on the whole island, and that it was actually trails that were closed. In addition, the number of closed trails since 2034 was 5, not 500.

  • Over 1,100 years later, scientists discover what probably killed the Mayans


This article was amended to correct the spelling of Vindox Ashlidele’s name from Vindix Vagene. It was further amended for historical accuracy. While there is evidence that the Mayans had tobacco and probably smoked it, commercial cigarettes as we know them didn’t exist until the 1800’s. In addition, it is unlikely that there existed a Mesoamerican marketing campaign targeting young Mayans.

April 30, 2050

  • Unpaid internships in Lahaina now cost more than $3,500 a month


This article was amended to clarify that the cost of living in Lahaina was actually 3.5 times higher than the national average and not 2 times higher. In addition an estimated 1,000 graduates will have unpaid internships in a Lahaina business this year, not 10,000.

  • Dr. Adler Walters on the Cutting-Edge Technology of Trees


This article was removed after we were made aware that some of the information Dr. Adler provided is classified, and was supposed to be off the record. We apologize to the doctor, Vereserum, and the United States Government. We ask that readers who happened to see the article, immediately forget any and all details they might have remembered.

  • Abramo Chophouse Provides 20 tons of Burger To Expand “Meat and Greet” Program


We mistakenly identified the 20 tons of meat provided to the Meat and Greet program as “Burger”. Mr. Abramo points out that in fact, 20 tons of “Bob’s Perfect Burger Blend” was provided. He asserts that referring to the blend simply as burger is akin to calling a piece of wagyu beef, jerky. We have made the requested correction in the article.

We regret these and all future errors.