Oldest Tree In Hawaii Goes Through a Mysterious Growth Spurt

Since its discovery almost 40 years ago, Okilani an ancient Ohi’a tree on Maui, has fascinated scientists. The massive plant has been estimated to be over 4,000-years-old, making it the oldest known living thing in Hawaii, and one of the oldest living nonclonal trees in the world. But it’s not the tree’s age that has scientists and researchers stumped, it’s Okilani’s recent growth spurt that has them scratching their heads. Over the past 4 years, the venerable tree has grown about 25% bigger.

The Ohi’a tree holds a special place in Hawaiian mythology. According to the stories, Ohi’a and his beautiful lover Lehua grabbed the attention of the volcano goddess Pele. She fell in love with the brave and handsome Ohi’a and approached him, but he rebuffed her advances. Enraged, Pele turned Ohi’a into a tree as punishment. The fair Lehua was devastated that she could no longer be with her true love and began to wail. The other gods heard her cries and took pity on her. They transformed her into a beautiful red flower and placed her upon the tree so the two could be together forever.

Ohi’a trees can grow in a number of difficult locations that other plants can’t. They grow readily on lava and are usually the first plants to spring up after new flows. As such, they are one of the most common trees to find in the forests of Hawaii, but Okilani stood out according to Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) agent Greg Iona.

“In 2010 a fast-moving fungal infection, Ceratocystis fimbriata, was found in Ohi’a trees around Puna. The infection soon spread North across the Big Island and eventually made it’s way to Maui. There was a very real concern that it might wipe out all the Ohi’a trees if it continued to spread. During a survey of the population in Maui, researchers spotted Okilani in the middle of a group of infected trees. It seemed to be fungus-free so they took some samples and that’s when they figured out how just how special it was. Okilani was here at least 1,000 years before the first people were, it has seen the colonization of Hawaii. It was a seedling when people were first figuring out writing. It’s an amazing thing, by far the biggest and oldest Ohi’a tree ever discovered, so there’s lots to learn yet. One of the biggest questions we have is, why did it started growing again 4 years ago?”

A handful of environmentalists say that Okilani’s recent growth is a result of Veilcorp’s Icarus project, increasing worldwide exposure to 127 (Unbiseptium). They say that the element is potentially dangerous and call on government agencies to better regulate its production until long-term studies can be completed. While there have been a number of reports about unusual animal activity in recent years, and even a small group of sea otters that now call Maui home, researchers say that there is no proof that elevated 127 levels are to blame. Vereserum botanist Adler Walters says that there is much yet to learn about the ancient tree and that speculation in useless.

“This amazing organism has so much to teach us that I don’t know why people are wasting their time on wild speculation. Unlike Yew trees or the Glass Sponge, the Ohi’a tree is not a species known for its extraordinary longevity, yet Okilani is one of the oldest living things on the planet. It was found to have a natural resistance to the fungal infection that nearly wiped out the rest of its kind and that’s just the beginning. I believe that it may help us learn more about combating diseases and the effects of climate change. Its sudden and rapid growth during this late stage in life may be perfectly natural. This is such an unusual specimen that we just can’t say what is “normal”. The only thing that is certain, is that Okilani is a fascinating organism that needs a much more thorough examination.”

Not everyone thinks that more study is necessary however. Preservation Zone Compliance Liaison Elizabeth Stonegate doesn’t see what the big deal is and is trying to limit the amount of people allowed to visit the protected area where Okilani grows. “I understand that the tree is very old but so what? It’s not like it can pass on any wisdom or tell you where the best place to have dinner is. I’m not even sure how they know that it’s getting taller. I read that the tree is supposed to be over 150 feet tall now and I thought, ‘How do they know?’ Do they make someone climb up to the top and measure it? I just had my countertops replaced and the contractors couldn’t even correctly measure 8 feet with a laser, I can’t imagine how off they’d be trying to measure something outside. It all seems like a whole lot of fuss about nothing. All I know is that my phone has been ringing off the hook lately. Most of my time is being spent going over scientific study applications instead of measuring the lengths of driveways around the zone, and ensuring that hikers aren’t walking down trails with prohibited toothpastes in their packs. I have important work to do that matters. I would encourage scientists to got to one of the many other places in the world where tall trees grow for their research and stop bothering my office with permit requests.”

Hailoha Defends New Sea Service

Hailoha is defending it’s new Hailoha-Sea service today, after Mayor Albert Cravalho called for a closer look into the business, and threatened to shut down the water-based ride share service. Launched earlier this month, there have been numerous complaints about Hailoha-Sea drivers from government and law enforcement officials, as well as tourists. Hailoha officials say they are taking swift action to remove problem drivers, and are working with officials to ensure the safety of customers and contractors alike.

Hailoha-Sea was supposed to be one of the most unique and beautiful modes of travel available on the island when it was announced at the end of March. Like the wildly popular Hailoha ride share service, Hailoha-Sea would offer people a friendly and affordable transportation option whenever they needed it, but instead of riding in a car passengers would travel by boat.

“It just seemed like the next evolution of our service,” says Nella Lawe, Hailoha Vice President. “Maui is an island after all. It just makes sense that quick, safe, and affordable water transportation should be available. There are tens of thousands of boats and responsible boat owners that have a chance to supplement their income, and meet new people thanks to Hailoha-Sea. Visitors to our beautiful island can take numerous trips of a lifetime by just getting to their preferred destinations, using our service. On the few occasions when our pilots have not performed to our standards, we’ve taken swift action to rectify whatever issues have arised, and have worked openly with law enforcement.”

Despite Lawe’s assurances there have been numerous complaints about the Hailoha-Sea service including: dangerous night boating, drivers coming up on crowded beaches to pick up passengers, fights over prime territory, and intruding on delicate protected areas. The Coast Guard reports a 80% uptick in emergency calls since the service was launched. Greg Iona from the DLNR says the agency has received dozens of complaints this month. He says, “The preservation zone extends into the water in a number of spots and many of these drivers are disregarding the boundaries to make a quick buck. We’ve had people damage reefs, and just last week we arrested a driver who was charging tourists extra to take them to a protected sea turtle nesting beach. The worst I’ve personally seen is a group who were taking tourists near our resident sea otter pod and selling them clams to feed the otters. Unless there are some major changes, this new Hailoha service is going to turn into a disaster for our delicate natural areas.”

While there have been plenty of complaints about preservation zone infractions, they are a small fraction of the number of objections and allegations made to law enforcement and the mayor’s office. According to Mr. Cravalho, “Someone is going to get seriously hurt or drown.” He adds,

“We’ve had so many calls and complaints that we’ve had very little time for anything else this month. We’ve heard of Hailoha drivers showing up on paddle boards, and over-filling canoes to the point that they sink. There have been cases of boats bumping into each other at high speeds, fighting over dock space in high traffic areas, but at least those idiots were using a dock. We had a guy get stuck on Kalani Beach trying to be the first to pick up a bachelorette party. The waters around Lahaina have become a mess. There’s a local who has tied a bunch of ski tubes behind her boat, and goes up and down the beaches at night, running some sort of party bus service. Do you know how dangerous that is? Lahaina is not that big, and we already have numerous transportation options including: The Veil Stop Network, buses, Manimal public ATVs, and the traditional Hailoha service. Lahaina doesn’t need the dangerous free-for-all of Hailoha-Sea.”

Lawe counters that the number of complaints is actually quite small, compared with the total number passengers the company has ferried around the island. She says that Hailoha has fired anyone who has been ticketed or officially charged with wrongdoing, and the company investigates all complaints thoroughly. “We are determined to work with officials and make the best water-based ride service we can. Hawaii is all about beauty and freedom; and nothing is more beautiful than having the freedom to have a few drinks, and ride an inflatable tube through the water at breakneck speeds, with a dozen strangers back to your hotel.”

Sea Otter Pod Discovered In Oneloa Bay

For months tourists and a handful of clam fishermen have reported sightings of mysterious animals around Oneloa Bay. Eyewitnesses described dog sized animals usually around dusk or dawn, playing in the surf and diving along reefs. These reports were officially chalked up to seal misidentification or overindulgence until a few days ago when the Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) became involved. After a short investigation the mystery animals were identified, but their identity raises even more questions and has experts worried. It turns out that Maui now has its own pod of sea otters.

Rumors had been running rampant among believers on the island about what the animals may have been. Some said it was some sort of aquatic dog made in a Vereserum lab. Others worried that it was a pack of gigantic mongooses. There have been a number of concerns recently about the effect that Veilcorp’s Icarus project is having on weather patterns and living things near the Lahaina facility. The fact that there are sea otters living offshore seems almost as strange.

Normally found in the cool waters of the Northern Pacific, the wayward otters have experts scratching their heads. Greg Iona Senior Investigator for the DLNR says, “While people associate sea otters with colder waters, historically their range extended along the Baja Peninsula. The real question is how did they get so far out of their normal range?”

Iona says that it is possible that this small group of 7 otters simply followed, or got caught in, a changing current that led them all the way to the island. “It may sound strange but animals have been known to travel from island to island on floating debris all the time. Often these trips can cover very long distances. That’s our best guess as to what happened here. We have no evidence that someone brought the otters in and released them in the wild.”

However they arrived, the otters have many worried. For years Hawaii was the only coastal state without a bivalve fishery, but with the help of the University of Hawaii and The Center for Tropical and Subtropical Aquaculture (USDA-CTA), a burgeoning clam fishery has begun. Almost a million pounds of native clams were harvested last year thanks to aquafarming campaigns. Fishermen worry that the otters may devastate the clam stocks. They have their own ideas about who’s to blame for the otter incursion.

The fishermen say that Veilcorp’s massive urchin campaign is the problem and say that the reintroduction project should be put on hold before more otters show up. Alanai Kalipalani, a marine biologist and urchin researcher disagrees. She says that the urchins may keep the otters in the waters around Maui but it is highly unlikely that they brought them to the island. “We’re just too far away from their natural range for the urchins to be the element that brought them here. I agree with the DLNR’s assessment that they’re here because of a change in currents and food migration patterns. It’s happening more and more often actually. Back in 1985 a humpback whale they nicknamed Humphrey was spotted in San Francisco Bay. It was big news back then because it was one the first times we had proof that climate change was having an impact on the normal range of marine mammals. Now humpbacks are routinely spotted in New York’s East river and other river systems around the world chasing baitfish. This is the first time I’ve heard of wayward otters, but I think the same thing is happening here.”

Kalipalani says that the clam fishermen have a valid concern about the otters. “A sea otter eats about 30% of its weight in shellfish a day, and a big male can reach almost 100 pounds. That’s a lot of clams. However, they also really love eating urchins and we have plenty of those to go around. These animals couldn’t put a dent in Veilcorp’s restoration project. I don’t think people fully appreciate how many urchins the company puts in the water every month.”

For now the DLNR plans on letting the pod stay where they are and studying their behavior. They remind the public that even though they are far from home, the otters are still protected by the Endangered Species Act. Any harassment, capture, or killing of the otters is punishable by fines up to $50,000 and/or one year imprisonment. Iona says, “We encourage people to leave them alone. They appear to be content feasting on urchins and aren’t dangerous to people, pets, or sea birds. As long as you’re not a shellfish the otters aren’t interested. Besides the concerns about clam predation, the only issue I see going forward is what will happen when the geese hatch this winter. The NeNe can be very protective of their goslings and haven’t seen otters before, but the otters may have moved on by then. This pod seems to like to travel.”

My Last Day at Waihona Station

After all the years of doing this, I never really got used to the way it feels when you step out of the veil. I focus on not being nauseous in the few seconds before the automated lights turn on. I notice the mud on the floor right away. Someone on the team sent here to deliver the 127 power unit yesterday had dirty boots. Before I do anything, I get a stick vacuum and make a mental note to tell Sam that his crew needs to be more careful. This may be my last day, but over the past 19 years Waihona Station and I have built a special relationship. There’s no way I’ll be able to enjoy my retirement if I’m worrying about people tracking mud everywhere.

Once the floor is clean, I grab my tools and start working on installing the 127 unit. They say it can last 400 years. I hope that doesn’t mean the company plans on cutting the hours of my replacement, this place needs constant TLC to stay in optimum shape. It takes me most of the morning to finish the installation, and to be honest I’m glad that I don’t have to start it up. I had my concerns four years ago when the first canister of solar produced 127 arrived in Maui, and a lift operator spilled a whole container a while back, that almost took his and a co-workers life. I don’t think it’s giving everyone cancer or making them crazy like the TV lawyers say, I just want to avoid being engulfed in a radioactive fire on my last day.

I move on to dusting and changing the filters in the operations room, sinking into a familiar rhythm. Things have changed a lot since I was assigned to Waihona in 2031. Joe wasn’t even ten yet when I started, and now he’s in grad school. I was in the data room when the Gateway Travel Accord was signed, and now people from almost every nation are veiling across the globe every day. I was up here during the Veilcorp Luau attack. Actually, I was here almost 24 hours that day. They locked down everything including veil travel. That reminds me , I need to check the food storage and make sure the protein bars aren’t expired in the event that we have another travel halt. When Eric Oeming returned to work, I was replacing some wiring. A lot has happened, but this place stays the same. It even survived hurricane Neki. I have a lot of respect for that.

I knew going in, that saying goodbye to Frank was going to be the hardest part of today, so I decide to put it off and work through lunch. I enter the data room to replace a few fans. I know that there are dozens of these satellite backup stations, but I can’t help but feel a sense of wonder, and a little nervous when I’m in this section. The data and personalities of tens of thousands, maybe more, is stored here. I know they say it’s only a backup, but I can’t help but imagine accidentally spilling something, or disconnecting the wrong cable and wiping out half of Lahaina. I replace the fans without a hitch. There isn’t anything left to do now but walk the exterior, and see an old friend for the last time.

One of the worst things about being a remote tech is the isolation. Most of these backup stations are in very remote locations, and the only time you see anyone else is when something is seriously broken. It can get lonely, but I made a friend on my first day. Perched on a rock, and upset that I’m taking my lunch 3 hours late, Frank squawks his disappointment with me when I walk outside. They say Ravens are among the smartest animals on Earth, and by the way Frank has memorized my weekly schedule, I believe it.

I take out his bag of bread, and throw bits to him as I walk the building. I make a note that the southern vent is going to need replacing, while Frank protests that I stopped distributing his lunch for a moment. I don’t see anything else of note and make my way back to the raven’s rock. I swear Frank does a little dance of excitement when he sees the tin of sardines, one of his favorite treats. I don’t say much as I feed him, just goodbye, and thanks for all the years. I tell him I’ll leave a note about him for my replacement, but I can’t promise he likes birds as much as I do. Part of me hopes that he doesn’t. Big changes are coming for Frank and I, but I have a feeling we’ll be fine.

Welcome to the Upper Management Team!

Dear Veilcorp employee,

Congratulations on making it to VL10 and welcome to the upper management team! We are excited to be able to harness your expertise to make Veilcorp an exciting and engaging workplace.

As you may have heard, there are a number of unique benefits offered to VL10’s not available to others inside the company. You should be receiving an information pack soon from Larry Block, HR’s special executive business partner (and a VL10 himself), detailing the specifics of your new package. He will guide you through all your options and accommodate you in any way he can. Please direct all inquiries directly to him.

Please note that you have already signed your non-disclosure agreement. It is important to remember not to share any details about these benefits with your subordinates. Any failure to keep this information to VL10’s and above will be met with consequences including curtailment of benefits to immediate termination, and might include civil and criminal complaints.

Without getting into details here are a few of the many wonderful new benefits afforded to you.

  • Free travel to any Veilcorp location across the world is of course available to you and your family. In addition, you will have access to staging specialists who will take furnishings and elements from your home to decorate whatever accommodations you have booked, giving you a feeling of home wherever you go.
  • On-Demand Newuskin treatments for you and your immediate family so you all can look and feel your best.
  • Access to one of the company submarines, use of the ski chalet, and access to veil-net for personal dataset syncing.
  • A 10% discount on veil corporation merchandise.
  • Subsidized tuition set aside for your children or any niece or nephew that you might want to help.
  • A VeilCorp provided loan instrument for the purchase of a home, if you need it, or are looking to upgrade.
  • A million-dollar donation budget that you can direct at your leisure (the urchin restoration project is a popular choice for some of this money)
  • A ceremplant upgrade for your family and loved ones, with complimentary satellite tracking, and an ambassador class security team available when you wish.
  • A 127 powered home generator that will provide you and your family with all the energy you will need for your lifetime.
  • Hailoha black diamond status providing you with free safe transportation within 5 minutes in over 200 cities worldwide.
  • Access to a veil-dug emergency shelter. You and your family will be safe and secure within our luxury facility. Larry will contact you to work out the specifics of the personal emergency veil we’ll need to install in your home.

All of these wonderful benefits and much more are now yours to enjoy. Your negotiated and updated financial package is available via VALARIE. Eric and I look forward to working more closely with you in our shared future.

Sincerely,
Lisa Hunt
COO
Veilcorp

Legal Notice For Anyone Who Traveled Using Veilcorp Technology

Read This Notice Carefully. A Class Action Lawsuit May Affect Your Rights

If you or a loved one traveled using Veilcorp technology anytime after May 10th, 2038 you might qualify to join a proposed class action suit. Several veil travelers have reported a number of health issues including: severe mood swings, blackouts, anxiety, depression, nervous feeling, problems with memory and concentration, paranoia, hallucinations, a burning sensation, fatigue, dizziness, nausea, heart palpitation, aggressive or violent behavior, restless sleep, night terrors, dry mouth, hair loss, and a high susceptibility to infection. These changes in behavior have often lead to hospitalization or in some extreme cases, negative interactions with the law.

The solar production of 127 (Unbiseptium) since Veilcorp’s Icarus project began has increased worldwide exposure to medically significant levels of the element. These levels can be even higher in individuals who have previously used Veilcorp technology, causing permanent damage to the brain and/or significant personality changes leading to disastrous results. If you or a loved one was injured, hospitalized, or suffered loss due to a belief that you could exhibit a wide array of psychic powers, you may qualify to join this Veilcorp class action lawsuit investigation. Please contact the law offices of Suter, Stine, Burn,& Partners (SSB&P) for a FREE case evaluation.

Overview: Excessive 127 Exposure Reports and Class Action Lawsuits

Veilcorp was hit with numerous lawsuits since the beginning of the Icarus project. Numerous aggrieved parties claim that excessive exposure to 127 led to behavioral changes resulting in financial loss and the need for medical interventions. One such lawsuit was filed by a Hawaiian man whose exposure to 127 led him to hallucinate while at work and spill hazardous materials over himself and a co-worker in June 2043. The injuries the man suffered landed him in intensive care for more a week and left him believing he could see other dimensions and even into the future. A release of documents by the activist group Veilwatch last month purports to show proof that Veilcorp knew the dangers of excessive exposure to 127, and is being reviewed by government officials. A report filed in February 2050 by a Senior Investigator for the Department of Land and Natural Resources claims the increase in worldwide 127 exposure has led to violent behavioural changes in animals near Veilcorp facilities, especially native populations of geese. Stories like these are becoming more and more common. According to studies, these incidents have increased greatly since the Icarus project began in January 2046.

How Does the Increase in 127 Exposure Cause Health Issues?

People around the world have turned to veil travel as a mode of transportation because it offers a quick and convenient alternative to other modes of transportation. But the safety of this technology has been called into question with recent reports and scientific studies. The exact process by which the excessive 127 exposure reacts with the brain is not fully understood. Numerous studies have shown a large measurable increase in 127 radiation in the atmosphere, land, water, animals and people. This increase correlates with a marked increase in the symptoms previously mentioned. The increase shows a pronounced spike beginning in 2048 when Veilcorp heavily discounted the cost of veil travel. Recent studies suggest that a significant number of those suffering delusional effects have not reported problems believing they could perform a variety of amazing feats: hear thoughts, remote viewing, etc. If any of your loved ones are suffering from these delusions you can file on their behalf.

If the Science Isn’t Settled Should I Wait Until It Is?

Absolutely not! Cases like this are often settled without a formal trial. You won’t be able to collect compensation without being among the complainants. When someone asks you if you’d like to be part of a class action suit you say “Yes!”

If you or a loved one suffered from an emotional episode or experienced any of the conditions listed above and you traveled using Veilcorp technology, you may qualify to file a Veilcorp lawsuit. If you qualify, an attorney will contact you to discuss the details of your potential case at no charge to you. Please Note: If you want to participate in this investigation, it is imperative that you reply to the law firm if they call or email you. Failing to do so may result in you not getting signed up as a client, if you qualify, or getting you dropped from the suit.

Veilcorp To Blame For Regional Chaos

I write this not to those of you who know the damage Veilcorp and fossil fuels have done to the world. This is not for my brothers and sisters who have stood on the front line with me. I write this to the media. You’ve called us radicals. You’ve called us misguided fanatics. Nonetheless, the truth has now been laid bare. Thanks to yesterday’s release of documents from our friends at VeilWatch, you can see that our longstanding claims are true. The destabilizing effect of Veilcorp technology was known for years by countless intelligence agencies and the company itself. When you add this to an already misguided dependence on oil you have a recipe for disaster. That is what you have seen this week in Saudi Arabia, an unmitigated catastrophe.

Veilcorp and its government servants have turned their backs on the region and have let it fall into chaos. With a lack of ideas and an entire system based on the need for earth poisoning oil, it is no wonder that so many countries in the area have failed. They were designed to. They were used for their resources, and tossed aside like trash. Veilcorp realized that their technology was just as bad as oil but silenced anyone who pointed out their folly. They took away the petroleum crutches and replaced them with a cane of their own design, ensuring the people remained crippled.

The leaders of these misguided nations have sold out their people with the help of Oeming and his need to bend the laws of nature to his will. Instead of poisoning the land, sea, and air by powering massive industries, they’re doing it by converting seas of oil into cheap plastic novelties and disposable bags. It is no wonder that the people are rioting.

Despite what Veilcorp would have you believe, the people who are forced to live in these air choking regions are no different from you and I. They want the same things: peace, a future for their children, and safety. Veilcorp has made it impossible for these people to fulfill those basic wants and needs without travelling across the world and working for pennies an hour. These allegations are not ours. They are the findings of numerous government investigations that have been highlighted because of this week’s unrest. I appreciate those of you in the media who are brave enough to report it. I urge you to continue this heroic work, and force Veilcorp take responsibility for their actions. They have made a living trading one disaster for another.

They walked away from the farms they leveled in Iowa. They walked away from the people they tested their poisonous 127 on. We know this as a fact thanks again to our friends at VeilWatch. We need the media’s help to make sure that they can not walk away from the unrest and the wars they are now fueling in these delicate areas already at risk because of generations of bad leadership.

They claim that this veiling technology is the greatest discovery in the history of man but what have they done with it? They haven’t cured disease or fed the starving masses. They haven’t helped these people learn that fossil fuels have all but destroyed the planet. Instead, they’ve created a food delivery service and the world’s most expensive virtual notepad. They’ve created smaller corporations that put ads on cars and tattoo company logos on animals in the name of saving them. This is the height of human achievement? Is this the bold new tomorrow Oeming spoke of on the day he started his machines and shot a metal cube like a bullet through the fabric of reality?

Again and again Veilcorp has proven that they are willing to let people starve and live in misery if it helps their bottom line. Like all despots, Oeming is content to let civil unrest and anarchy continue in these countries as long as his stock goes up a point. The continued damage done to the environment has been long known, and our sick mother is now passing her suffering onto her children. You can’t call these truths the ramblings of a “fringe group of radicals” anymore. Your own governments have verified them.

Veilcorp had a chance, and a responsibility to help these regions see the error of their energy policies and stop killing the planet. They were warned long ago, but chose not to do anything about it. They must be convinced. Their disregard for life must be highlighted by the media, just as it has been highlighted in these reports. Years of burning petroleum has strangled the earth and killed countless species, but it’s not too late. These regimes need to fail, but the innocent people of the region need to be protected. Veilcorp has done nothing to expedite the end of these misguided governments or ease the suffering of the people. They need to be held accountable for this disaster because they had a big part in it.

Merchant’s Association Cancels Valentine’s Day Promotion Over “Inaccurate” Menehune Dolls

After a day of protest and mountains of negative feedback, The Lahaina Merchant’s Association (LMA) has decided to end its controversial “Menehunny” Valentine’s Day giveaway. The LMA had been handing out dolls based on the mythological race of little people, the Menehune, for almost a week before deciding to end the promotion. With pink and black hair, a monkey-like appearance, and slogans like “Loving Lahaina” and “Be My Menehunny” emblazoned on the doll’s chest many had called the toys disrespectful to the Menehune legend. The LMA says they apologize for any ill will the dolls may have caused and hopes that everyone feels the spirit of aloha on Valentine’s Day.

Whether it’s from one the many statues around the islands, a children’s book, or a story from your tutu about the things they built before the first settlers arrived, most Hawaiians know about the legend of the Menehune. The mythological dwarves who live in the deep forests and secluded valleys are said to be great craftspeople. Many structures attributed to their construction skills still exist, and they are one of the most recognizable characters in Hawaiian folklore and that’s the problem.

“I don’t know what those things are but they’re not Menehune,” says one protester who wished to remain anonymous. “They look like monkeys that accidentally broke into a dye factory. The slogans across the chest are just the worst. The Menehune are a part of our tradition and history, for anyone to use them in some sort of marketing campaign is gross. What makes it worse is that this idea came from a group of businesses right here in Lahaina. They should know better.”

LMA chief strategist and anthropology minor at the University of Maui Lahaina College Ken Hekili says the toy design was not meant to be disrespectful. “A lot of thought and time went into the Menehunny dolls. Pink and black go together quite well, and the simian-like appearance is based in science and captures the upward trend right now for monkey toys. According to the profs in my 300 level classes, many islands in this part of the world had populations of small archaic humans. The “hobbits” on the island of Flores, Indonesia being one of the most famous. We tried to imagine what the Menehune would look like if they were a long lost part of our family tree and they were employed to promote Valentine’s Day in Lahaina. To be honest I thought we nailed it. Their outfits and slogans were exactly what we thought protohumans would be comfortable with wearing or saying for a marketing gig. Obviously, the public thought differently. We apologize for any anger our dolls may have caused.”

While many businesses remained quiet about the promotion owner of the famous Hula Noodle eatery, “Uncle” Ralph Umeke, says he understands the public’s reaction and hopes the LMA is more careful in the future. “Not all change is good, just ask the dinosaurs,” he adds.

“Everyone knows what a Menehune looks like. They’re an enduring part of our folklore. You wouldn’t go to Ireland and try to sell leprechaun dolls that looked like cockroaches. You wouldn’t decide one day that Santa’s Elves should really look like lizards from now on because you’re selling heating lamps. People like things the way they are. Everyone knows that a Menehune is a little smiling, pointy-eared guy wearing a traditional hat, not a pink striped monkey dude with a slogan on his chest. Not everything needs to be reinvented or used for a gimmick.”

While most of the backlash seemed to focus on the appearance of the dolls there are a handful of people who say that the Menehunny toys are closer to reality than the depictions common today. Some even say that the Menehune still exist in isolated pockets of the jungle. One such believer is Lahaina resident Randy Wilcox. Randy says he had an encounter with a real Menehune last year after an accident in his garage.

“I had just bought one of those portable Duracave 127 reactors, and I was working on it in the garage. In the last few years, we’ve added some serious lasers to the pyrotechnics at our backyard wrestling events. The problem was we kept blowing breakers, so I was hoping the new generator would give us the juice we needed. I’m rarely satisfied with running things stock so I was trying to amp up the output when the explosion happened. Now I’m no stranger to riding a pressure wave through the air but this felt different and when I landed in the brush there he was.

The color on the toys was wrong but he was definitely hairy. He told me that the world was going to end this year and that I should prepare myself accordingly. He gave me some tips on my wrestling costume saying I was more of an autumn and should focus on more orange fabrics. He started to give me a recipe for something called “survivor pie” but my head started to hurt so bad that I had to close my eyes. The next thing I remember is waking up to my aunt’s dog Minny licking my face. My family says that I was talking to Minny the whole time and I’m confused because of the concussion, but I know what I saw. Menehune are real, they’re hairy, and they have a great eye when it comes to costumes. I’ve never looked more vibrant in the ring.”

Tourists Claim They Were “Held Hostage” by Geese

A vacationing couple is claiming that their dream vacation turned into a nightmare Monday evening after witnessing a vicious attack and being held hostage in a public restroom. This type of story has become all-too-common on the island lately, but this one comes with a twist. According to the tourists, the perpetrator wasn’t a masked man, or drug-crazed lunatic looking for their next fix, it was a goose. To be precise, a flock of geese.

28-year-old Bret Casey and his 27-year-old wife Spring claim that they were heading back to their hotel after a long walk down the beach when the incident occurred. The couple says they had spent the day exploring the beach and enjoying Lahaina’s nightlife before the evening took a bizarre and terrifying turn.

According to their report, the Casey’s were on the way home in the dark and become lost. Seeing a light in the distance, they walked up to get their bearings and came upon a chaotic scene. The couple claims that they witnessed a group of fellow tourists around a beach fire being attacked by a flock of geese.

Bret’s statement reads in part:

“They were all running around and screaming but I didn’t think it was that serious until the birds knocked a guy down and I saw blood. I tried to help him up but they had hold of him and were dragging him towards the water. Then they started attacking me. I couldn’t believe how strong they were. They almost knocked me down a couple of times and I got really scared for Spring. I grabbed her arm and we ran for the public restrooms we had passed just a few minutes before. We kept hearing the shouts and screams inside so I decided to go back and see if I could help.”

While the couple’s story seems hard to believe, their official statements are as consistent as they are extraordinary. The narrative continues with Mrs. Casey reporting.

“They were all over one of them when Bret went back outside. He tried to help but there was too many of them and he ran back into the building….You could hear the geese walking on the roof and fighting…I’m not sure how long we waited but we didn’t see any of them after a while so Bret went to check to see if it was clear, but they had just been waiting for us. They were biting and hitting him with their wings so he ran back before they knocked him down too…This went on all night. We tried escaping a couple times but they wouldn’t leave. Then, a few hours after the sun came up we saw someone parasailing and they took off…There must have been 20-30 of them that flew after the boat. We ran back down the beach until we found help and called the police.”

The couple was taken to a local hospital where Bret was treated for multiple cuts and contusions. Officials say they found no evidence of the kind of attack reported, and point out that a group of missing tourists would have surely been reported by now. However, they do confirm that the area did contain numerous feathers and nene tracks. The police say they can’t comment on specific open cases, but are investigating the claims and waiting for the results of a drug screen. No charges have been filed at this point. An anonymous source familiar with the case says, “The story is obviously hard to believe. Something might have attacked the guy, but at this point, we’re confident that something is going to turn out to be gravity and overindulgence. We’ve had a big increase in aggressive animal complaints since Veilcorp expanded their 127 production, but I haven’t heard anything about killer geese before. We’ll know more once the Department of Land and Natural Resources completes their report and the spot of blood we found at the scene is processed.”

While reports of animal attacks, in general, have gone up in the past year, there have only been a handful of reports involving the nene. Greg Iona, Senior Investigator for the Department of Land and Natural Resources, says that a flock of homicidal geese is absurd. Iona points out that the native nene is too small and lacks the physical characteristics to be a serious danger. Instead, he agrees with the police and suggests that the couple most likely had a few too many drinks and wandered into a nesting area. “I’m sure once the reports are all in we’ll find that what we have here is a drunk couple who stumbled into an area with some protective mother birds. Geese have long been known to have one of nature’s worst tempers. They’re one of the few animals that I’ve studied that I believe can feel and express hate. The world would be a much different place if geese were just a bit bigger, or had claws or teeth. Luckily for us, and the 4 million people who visit Maui each year, they don’t.”

VeilWatch Claims proof of secret human-127 testing program, threatens a midnight release

People across the globe are expressing shock, anger, and disbelief over allegations from VeilWatch that Veilcorp and the U.S. government conducted a secret human-127 testing program in 2022. The watchdog group says they will release a full report at midnight unless the company agrees to halt all operations, and an independent government investigation is begun.

The study of 127 (unbiseptium), the element that makes veil travel possible, has a long and controversial history. Environmentalists have questioned its safety since a containment breach at a test facility in Iowa caused the mass evacuation of thousands and the destruction of several acres of crops surrounding the area in March 2023. The human testing program allegedly began months before.

These claims come hot on the heels of a leaked report from an investigator at the Department of Land and Natural Resources in Hawaii, linking an increase in 127 exposure to abnormalities in a number of plants and animals. Veilcorp denied those allegations producing a number of impact studies.

Complaints have not been isolated to Hawaii however. Since Veilcorp’s successful Icarus project increased the production of 127, reports have been pouring into various government and health agencies about adverse effects. Government officials claim that there is no need to worry and Veilcorp officials say that they have done everything possible to ensure the public’s safety. They vehemently deny these new allegations.

Spokesperson Lisa Hunt says,

“These allegations would be laughable if they weren’t so disgusting. I think the public needs to remember that this is the same organization that claimed to have proof that we had discovered a secret Nazi base in the arctic, and had moved all of our R&D there in 2040. Also, please don’t forget that in 2043 the sleuths at VeilWatch claimed to have evidence that our technology was the result of a pact Dr. Oeming had with the aliens who live on Nibiru. Nibiru of course is the mystery planet that enters our solar system every 3,600 years. We naturally expected VeilWatch to release our plans for a distribution hub in Atlantis next. The truth is that VeiWatch will release anything sent their way no matter how ridiculous or bizarre, but they have crossed a line this time. This is clearly nothing more than a distasteful smear campaign. We urge the public to consider the messenger when it comes to these charges, and urge government officials to take action against these reprehensible claims.”

VeilWatch founder Tim Durney counters that the full report has been released to key officials and has been thoroughly vetted.

“I was there in Iowa and saw how carelessly they acted. During the investigation it became clear to me that the government and Veilcorp were hopelessly entangled but I had no idea just how deep and dark their dealings were. According to these reports Veilcorp and the government started testing the effects of 127 exposure on people almost a year before the accident in Iowa. They knew how dangerous it was and didn’t warn anyone. Some of the findings in this report are incredible. I’m not going to get into specifics unless our demands aren’t met, but I will tell you that the research and findings described in these documents are right out of a sci-fi or horror movie. I have no doubt that the particulars will be shared with the public in the coming months. I think this is really going to open some eyes and people aren’t going to like what they learn.”

Experts seem split currently on what to make about these new allegations. Some share Hunt’s sentiments about some of the more outrageous claims made by VeilWatch over the years. Other’s say this time is different, as there has been some acknowledgment this morning from a number of officials that some sort of program existed. It remains to be seen what that program entailed and if it indeed involved human testing.