STORYLINE

The Legend of “The Lucky Dodge Hotel”

storm.jpg

There is no shortage of mysterious legends and strange places in Lahaina. Whether it’s a cryptic Hailoha driver patrolling Front Street, a mountain top ghost ship, or an eccentric survivor with a small fleet of submarines, there are plenty of stories to tell around a fire. One of the most beloved by the Kanaka is the story of The Lucky Dodge Hotel. A place where you can get almost anything if you are desperate enough, and willing to pay the price.

Before the fracture, The Laki Beach Lodge was one of the most popular places to stay in Lahiana. Set between Front Street and the ocean, guests found themselves yards away from the beach and within walking distance of many popular destinations. Laki Lodge was always full and had a reservation list that extended months ahead. However, like everything else, the accident changed all that.

A Naval group was traveling to their base on Molokai when the veils ruptured. Instead of appearing next to the docks and commencing with some minor maintenance, the ships emerged from the veil like a bullet from a gun. All of Lahaina shook and the sound was deafening, as reinforced hulls tore great furrows into the ground and shattered from the incredible force of the impact. In a matter of seconds, the group had reshaped the coastline and created two deep channels in a “V” shape around the Laki, leaving it alone on a green island. The Kanaka renamed it “The Lucky Dodge Hotel” and the moniker has stuck to this day.

Many believe that the hotel’s near destruction was no accident. The Kanaka say the area is sacred and protected by the land and water. The fact that the lights are always on, and strange sounds can often be heard coming from the building, does little to dispel these rumors. Most Kanaka refuse to visit the hotel and there are numerous stories about the curious never returning after walking through the front door. While there are no vacant rooms, it is said that you can get almost anything in the lobby of the Lucky Dodge if you are willing to pay the price. The desperate few who have returned describe staff as enigmatic as the building itself.

Nobody knows for sure who owns the hotel. There are stories that it is run by the Tappers who use it as a base to watch over the island. Others say that Veilcorp knew that the fracture would happen and took over the hotel, keeping it a living time capsule of 2050 for high-ranking employees. There are even tales that it is part of some larger underwater complex. However, everyone agrees that it is dangerous to try and reach the Lucky Dodge without help.

The dark waters of the koʻokoʻo inlets that surround the hotel hold an unusually high number of patrolling sharks. Lingering radiation in the waters can cause confusion in those trying to swim across, leaving them to tread water until the sharks find them or they slip below, due to exhaustion. According to the tales, the safest way to cross the inlet is to travel to the Southern bank, find the old valet stand, and press the call button to summon the canoeman. A young man of Kanaka descent, the canoeman never speaks except to say, “Tipping is appreciated” and always arrives within minutes, day or night. A trip across the inlet costs 10 rai which must be paid upfront with return passage, should you make it, being free. There are rumors that without payment you can cross, but must serve inside the Dodge in some capacity.

Once inside the building, visitors are treated to an immaculate lobby filled with the sounds and smells of the old world. Unlike the canoeman, descriptions of the concierge vary greatly. Some describe a short bearded man in a suit, while others recount a statuesque woman with raven-black hair dressed in an old-fashioned gown. While the physical descriptions differ, they are said to both speak with a strange accent and carry themselves oddly, leaving visitors uneasy.

They say that the concierge can get anything you may need, direct you to any location, and answer any question for a price. That price is always high and often, not a monetary one. Many accidents and strange events on the island are rumored to be the price paid for a favor from the Dodge, but the few who claim to have visited are reluctant to talk about the cost. Whatever the truth about the owners may be, there is no doubt that the Lucky Dodge Hotel is one of the most enigmatic locations in Lahaina, with many considering it a destination of last resort.

Bruddah Lee

Kanaka Historian

STORYLINE

The Legend of Mark, the Last Hailoha Driver

car.jpg

A long time ago when everything still worked and my grandpa was young, there were roads paved with something called asphalt everywhere and most people had cars. If you wanted to go somewhere nearby, you’d get into your car by yourself or with a bunch of people and just drive there. That worked good most of the time but sometimes people drank too much or they were really tired and driving was dangerous. People were getting hurt a lot so they decided it would be better to have drivers take you where you needed to go. Back then you could use phones to talk to other people and make the drivers come to where you were. There were lots of drivers on the island but the best one was Mark.

Like a lot of the old things the drivers went away when the veils fractured, but some people say that Mark and his car survived. Nobody knows how he made it, since he wasn’t on the hill with the rest of the smart people. Some say he was a scientist and knew how to protect himself. Others say he made a deal with the spirits on the island. According to the stories if you’re on Front street during a new moon you might see Mark driving his car. Some people say that you need to have a working phone to make him stop but others say you just truly need to get somewhere to catch his attention.

Mark’s car is black so it’s hard to see and it doesn’t make any noise. It is made out of a special metal that can’t be dented and nothing happens if you shoot it. The tires never go flat too. He has been up and down Front street so many times that he doesn’t need to use the lights on his car. Mark just knows where the bad spots are and drives around them. It’s easy for him to drive right past someone without them noticing so you have to pay real close attention if you go and look for him. He knows what’s in each building he drives past, so you can’t surprise him.

They say that Mark can tell if someone is good or bad and bad people who try to get Mark to take them somewhere never arrive. If you’re good, Mark will protect you and bring you where you need to go. You never have to tell Mark where you want to go he just knows somehow. All the monsters who live in the jungle are scared of Mark especially the Menehune. According to the stories, any Menehune who see Mark turn into wood, but that seems like a lie to me, so it’s probably not true.

If Mark stops to give you a ride you have to pay him and he doesn’t accept rai stones. The stories say that Mark’s favorite things are cigarettes and Manimal drinks. He will take you anywhere you want if you have enough of those, but he’ll accept other things too. Some of the other things that Mark will take for payment include: canned food, old books, honey, alcohol, or even jokes and good stories.

Even though Mark is mostly good in the stories (unless you’re a bad person) he has some rules that you have to follow. If Mark stops to pick you up, you have to give him his payment right away. He doesn’t like to ask for payment. He likes listening to old music in his car. If you try and talk over the old music or ask him to turn it down he’ll stop the car and make you get out. If you complain, he’ll honk the horn to let all the monsters and bandits know where you are. Mark has a bowl filled with peppermint candies in his car that he shares with anyone that he takes for a ride. You can take one of the candies but only one. If you take more, he’ll take you where he takes bad people and you’ll never be seen again.

Mark The Hailoha Driver is a good story but the only person I know who says he’s real is my Grandpa and sometimes he lies to me so I’m not sure. There might have been a guy named Mark who did all that stuff after everything broke, but my dad says Front street is really dangerous so Mark would have to be really tough, tougher than my dad. I think it would be awesome if there really was a Mark. When I get older I want to go down to Front street on a new moon and look for him, but probably with some other people.

Akamai Mahelona
4th Grade
Pu`u School Lahaina

STORYLINE

Teaser for “Aloha! Mark Aloha! Love” A post-apocalyptic romance novel

Front street was dangerous in the light of day, but it could be downright deadly in the dark. Mary knew she shouldn’t be there, but she couldn’t get the memories of that night out of her mind. It was just a few weeks after the Veils shattered and all the chaos started. She had been one of the lucky few who had made it. Mary and a group of bedraggled survivors had been living on a cruise ship that had been transformed from a giant pleasure craft, to their best hope for survival. They still had a good store of canned foods and even had some success fishing, but stopping at the occasional port to scavenge for food was a necessity. She couldn’t have dreamed how much her decision to go out and look for supplies that day would change her life.

It’s easy to lose track of time when you find a good stash, and it takes discipline to not chase that next can of food that may be buried just feet away. Mary had a lot of good qualities but discipline was not one. Before she knew it, dusk was closing in and she was still over a mile from the boat. Maybe it was carelessness brought on by her rushing to get back or maybe it was fate that made her not notice the first dog. Suddenly, she found herself surrounded by a pack of the snarling beasts. Even though they were half-starved she knew they were more than a match for her. The shock of her situation froze her in place. The end was here. She closed her eyes and waited for it to happen, and then she heard a car horn.

The dogs scattered as the black sedan rolled up to her. A rear door opened and she could hear music playing from within. She cautiously walked up and peeked inside. The car was immaculately detailed, standing in stark contrast to the rubble and ruin around it. A dark haired man sat in the driver’s seat. He asked, “Do you need a ride?” without turning around. “Yes” she answered as she got inside. “I’m going to the……” “I know where you’re going,” he answered before she could tell him her destination.

“You should be more careful on Front street. It’s not as safe as it used to be,” he said. She didn’t know what to say. There was something about him. The way his car smelled like peppermint candy and danger, it made her feel safe and exhilarated at the same time. The way he seemed unaffected by everything that had happened stirred something deep inside her that she hadn’t felt before. He told stories and talked about different buildings as they drove past. “You sure know a lot about everything, were you some sort of child prodigy?” she teased. “I don’t have the sharpest mind but parts of me are genius,” he joked back. Mary could feel her ears turn red at his bluntness.

Suddenly, they were stopped, and the cruise ship sat hulking in the harbor in front of them. “I usually get paid up front but I made an exception for you,” he said as he turned around. For the first time Mary got a good look at his face, and she liked what she saw. She could feel his gaze penetrating deep inside her. His half-smile let her know that he saw everything. His confidence was overwhelming. She felt like a volcano ready to explode and spill her lava all over him. “All I have is some canned food, but maybe we could come to some sort of agreement. We’ve been cruising for a while now and have seen a lot of the island. Maybe I could give you some information or teach you something.” She pushed her hair back behind her ear and looked up at him. “Maybe you could teach me something.”

She sat silently as he climbed into the back of the car. She straddled his lap and kissed him deep, tasting his peppermint flavored lips. His hands crept slowly down her back like a child sneaking down the stairs to get a look at Santa on Christmas eve. She had never felt such a yearning for someone before. It was as excruciating as it was exquisite. She couldn’t help but contemplate their future as their bodies slowly moved together.

The world needed to be rebuilt. It needed strong people who weren’t afraid to live and love. She imagined where they would stay on Front street. She pictured them building a car seat out of debris they found along the beach, and working together to make a better life. She yearned for him to plant his grain in her fertile fields. Mercifully, her mind finally succumbed to the pleasure this stranger was so expertly coaxing from her body, and melted into him like one of his candies in his mouth.

“Are you seeing anyone? I mean, I don’t even know your name,” she said at they sat exhausted and content. “I see everything since the accident. My name is Mark. I think it’s time for you to get back on your boat, Mary.” he answered, as he climbed back into the driver’s seat. The shock of his sudden coldness hit her so hard that she didn’t even wonder how he knew her name. “Did I say something wrong? I….I…I’m sorry. I’ve just never felt like this before. I hardly know you, but can’t you feel this too? I think I love you,” she sobbed. He looked at her in the rear view mirror. “It’s not safe to love me Mary. Mark only loves two things: Mark and driving for Hailoha. I’m not someone you can love,” he said as the door opened by itself. He was wrong. Mary got out of the car that night but she left her heart in the backseat.

Love can make you do some regrettable things and Mary was starting to regret her obsession with Mark. It had been 6 months since that memorable night, but she hadn’t managed to go 6 seconds without thinking about him since. This was the 4th time that the boat had been close enough to Front street that she could sneak out at night and look for him. The sun was going to be up in an hour and she knew it would be the 4th time that she’d go back to her cold room with a raging, unfulfilled desire. No matter how hard she tried to quench the fire inside her, it would not be denied.

She was so lost fighting through her emotions again that she didn’t notice the bandits behind her until they spoke. “Look what we got here. Are you from that big boat in the harbor?” one asked through chipped teeth and cracked lips. Before she could answer a bright light appeared from behind her casting her shadow tall over the pair of thugs. She could see the terror in their faces. “Run, It’s him!” yelled her would-be attacker, and the pair ran off. Mary smiled as she turned around and saw a familiar looking car. The rear door opened and the smell of peppermint candy wafted out. “I told you that I’m not safe. We need to talk,” Mark said from inside. As Mary walked towards the car she thought, that’s funny, talking isn’t the first thing on my list.

STORYLINE

Audit Finds DMV Worker Harassed Customers Five Hours a Day for Over Two Years

arrest.jpg

A state audit of the Hawaii Department of Motor Vehicles uncovered that an employee used over half of her work day to pursue what she called “Licensing Cheats,” for over two years. According to the report, 25-year-old Esther Hele, spent five hours a day harassing residents about overdue registration forms and lapsed licenses, all while her supervisor’s knew. Hele has been placed on administrative leave pending the outcome of an internal review, and criminal investigation.

Officials say that Hele used her job as a data operator, updating information on various transfer and ownership forms, to begin a “vehicle registration vigilante” campaign that lasted over two years. From July 2048 through August 2050, Hele skipped at least 2,600 hours’ worth of work, costing the Hawaiian public more than $72,000.

“It’s beyond me how this person slipped through the cracks, or how her managers are still employed,” says Mayor Alberts Cravalho. Residents are asking the same questions this morning, especially with the announcement of criminal charges of menacing and harassment filed against the Lahaina native.

While her direct supervisor refused an interview, her manager’s attorney did provide a statement which reads in part: “…It is hard to explain what it’s like to work for an organization that is so maligned by the public. If we fully investigated every complaint that came in we’d have to close at least another two lines, and that would just lead to more complaints. A big part of my job is to figure out to what degree my employees aren’t doing their jobs. I talked to Esther, and she seemed just bad to me. I know now that she was in fact, terrible. I regret, and apologize for not seeing that earlier.”

However, apologies aren’t enough for some of Hele’s victims. Dozens of claims regarding stalking, harassment, vandalism, and even threats of bodily harm are being investigated by Lahaina police. Hailoha driver Mark Me’e is one such victim of the troubled DMV worker’s campaign of persecution. He says the trouble all started when he purchased a new car, and let the insurance and registration lapse on his previous vehicle. Me’e says that he ignored the reminders he received since he planned on eventually scrapping his old car, and now wishes he hadn’t. Mark says things started taking a strange turn a few weeks after his first reminder, when Esther started showing up in his social media circles.

“One day I got this message from someone named Esther asking about my job at Hailoha. I didn’t know who she was, so I did a little investigating, and found that she was on almost all my friends and family’s friends lists. I couldn’t figure out how someone I had never heard of before could be friends with almost everyone I knew. I thought maybe I had gone to high school with Esther, and just forgot her.

Then she started asking me about my car all the time, saying things like, ‘You know Hailoha requires every drive to follow all applicable traffic laws, including having your vehicle properly registered, right?’ My mom called me one day saying she had just talked to a lady at the DMV who said I was breaking the law by not registering my car. I figured it was Esther. I contacted her supervisor and made a complaint, and she called me within minutes telling me that I could fool her boss, but not her. She sent pictures of me, and my old car that she had pulled from my work profile page. I told her that I didn’t drive that car anymore. I mean she had all my information, she could see that I registered a new car, but she wouldn’t hear it. Things just got worse.

She contacted my girlfriend saying I was cheating on her in my unregistered vehicle. She called Hailoha and told them that I had provided them with counterfeit insurance documents. I started getting threatening notes in my mailbox, and on my car whenever I went inside a store, warning me that the DMV had the right to charge interest on fines. It was getting out of hand!

It came to a head one night when I got an alert that someone way out in the preservation zone needed a ride. When I got out there I saw what I thought was an old woman all wrapped in a blanket. She got in, and I made some joke about her not having to worry about getting cold, but she didn’t say much. It was about 10 minutes into our ride when she started asking about my old car, and her voice changed. It sounded familiar to me, but it took me a moment to figure out it was Esther in disguise. I slammed on the breaks, put it in park, and ran the rest of the way into town. Later, they found my car parked in my driveway. I don’t know what she had planned, but it wasn’t good.”

Hele had no comment about the complaints against her, and is free on bail. She has plead not guilty and is expected in court next month.

STORYLINE

Popular VNN Show Put on Hiatus After Drone Crashes Into Condominium

A drone filming the popular Veil News Network (VNN) show “The Beach Report” crashed into the Aloha Shores condominiums early this morning, causing serious damage to several units. While nobody was injured in the crash, this is the second incident involving drones filming the show in the past month. Officials are still investigating the incident and no charges have been filed at this time. VNN has temporarily canceled the show pending an investigation, and the FAA says it is gathering information on the case.

Along with its sister show “Veil-Curious”, an arts and leisure show that focuses on bar reviews, embarrassing tourists, and the location of a particular Italian ice vendor, The Beach Report is one of VNN’s most successful programs, especially among the 18-34-year-old demographic. It reports on temperature, wave height, wind, and “all the weather and water conditions you need to enjoy the sand and surf,” according to its programming description on the VNN website. Critics however claim that in practice, the show is nothing more than a way for viewers to ogle beachgoers. They say the show’s real-time target voting has lead to frequent unsavory viewing and recent accidents.

Officials say that The Beach Report drone began following a group of tourists heading to the beach early this morning. After being followed for a few hours, they took a Hailoha downtown in an attempt to evade the camera but were unsuccessful. The group then ran into Aloha Shores to call the police. Witnesses say that the drone tried to follow them, hitting a number of units, breaking windows, and causing exterior damage, before eventually crashing into the pool.

This is not the first time that a Beach Report drone has been involved in an accident. Earlier this month the show was in the headlines after a drone reportedly collided with a tour helicopter filled with some of the day’s most “popular” beach visitors. The National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) has an open investigation in the case saying, “The NTSB is aware of the pilot’s report that she was forced to make an emergency landing to avoid a drone, but the NTSB has not yet been able to independently verify that information.”

Jake Tripper, Vice President of Special Programming, says that VNN is cooperating with authorities, and is putting The Beach Report on hiatus pending a thorough investigation. Despite the pushback on the show, and how it is run, Tripper says he believes the issues can be resolved with software updates, and stricter safety protocols.

“Look, we’re just giving the public what it wants. I agree that these incidents are troubling, but we’re working with authorities and doing our own internal investigation to make sure things like this don’t ever happen again. Having said that, you would not believe the number of complaints we’ve had about the show being on break. It’s clear that the people of Lahaina take their beaches very seriously, and understand how important real-time condition reports can be when planning your day. If in the course of getting a good look at the beach, we sometimes include someone lounging on the sand, or playing in the surf, I don’t think it’s a bad thing. There are all sorts of natural wonders to look at on our shores. The show’s “Sunburn Watch” segment has saved more young, taut, firm, bodies from skin damage, and sold more suntan lotion, than any other show on the network.”

Steve and Frank Lacey, of Lacey Property Management, say they pride themselves in taking care of their residents, and are shocked about the amount of damage the drone did. “I’m just glad that it didn’t hit one of our residents, it could have been disastrous. As far as I know, our condos aren’t in any danger of getting a sunburn, so there’s no need for their drones to be so close to the property. Something needs to be done to make sure nothing like this happens again. Once is an accident, twice is a problem,” says Frank. Still, Steve has a somewhat more optimistic view of the drone crash.

“I agree with my brother about the seriousness of this incident. Nonetheless, I think it will be ultimately good for business. It highlights just how hip and happening our community is. Aloha Shores is the preferred property destination for the vibrant young professional population of Lahaina. I mean the viewers of The Beach Report wanted to be part of the community so bad they crashed a drone into our pool. We’re located along some of the most beautiful beaches anywhere. Our residents are within walking distance of world class cuisine, and a fast growing nightlife scene. Our units boast the finest in eco-friendly furnishings and accouterments. Our poolside furniture is composed of pesticide free, non-GMO grasses and vines. We serve locally grown and roasted coffee, a wide variety of free-trade-heirloom teas, and organic hand-seeded melons in our communal breakfast nooks. All of our tiki mugs are handmade by local artisans, and the poolside umbrellas are made from repurposed awning materials from some of the oldest buildings on Front Street. We care about what you care about at Aloha Shores, and it shows. We have a limited number of units available, call today!”

Officials say they are still taking witness statements, and going over the scene of the accident, but Veilcorp attorney Harold Breen released a statement this morning which reads in part, “We are working openly with authorities and are grateful that nobody was hurt in this incident. Veilcorp and VNN take safety very seriously.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Advertiser Corrections & Clarifications

The Lahaina Advertiser is committed to bringing you news and content that informs, engages, and entertains. We pride ourselves with holding the highest editorial and journalistic standards, delivering to our readers accurate, impartial, and timely stories. However, mistakes are sometimes made. When errors are brought to our attention, we seek to publish corrections and clarifications promptly and transparently. This page brings together in one place all of the corrections and clarifications made to The Lahaina Advertiser across print and digital platforms, whether as a result of complaints or further developments in a story.

April 24, 2050

  • This Mutant Crayfish Clones Itself, and It’s Taking Over Maui


An earlier version of this story misspelled the scientific name for the Red Swamp Crayfish. It is Procambarus clarkii, not Procambarus clak. Also, we have been informed that the crayfish in question does not have the ability to clone itself, and was introduced in 1923, contrary to our assertion that its presence is a mystery. Hula Noodle owner Ralph Umeke did want us to stress that the clarkii are “nasty” and nearly inedible, even with copious handfuls of garlic.

  • Randy Wilcox, Trailblazing Reality TV and Streaming Star, Dies at 46


Although seriously injured, Randy Wilcox is very much alive and recovering in the Lahaina Medical Center. Some of our readers also took issue with calling Mr. Wilcox a “star” or even “Mr.”, the latter of which is a requirement of our manual on style.

April 25, 2050

  • Veilcorp Studies Security Policies and Sees “Little Risk” to Bottom Line


An earlier version of this story misstated the portion of Veilcorp’s business that the company estimates would be affected by stricter global security policies. A spokesperson for Veilcorp says the company’s internal security protocols already exceed the measures proposed, and would not affect operations at all.

April 26, 2050

  • Hailoha Defends New Sea Service


We had mistakenly reported that Mayor Albert Cravalho had no comment on the matter. However, he had actually called for a closer look into the business, and threatened to shut down the water-based ride share service.

  • Six Films to Stream if You Loved “Veil of Terror: A Bride’s Nightmare”


Many of you suggested that Veil of Terror stands alone as one of the worst movies ever made. Readers suggested that the jerky camera work, ham-handed storyline, and actors taking on more than one role, made the film unlike any other, and trying to attach some similarity to six other films was not fair. On further review, we agreed and removed the story altogether. One of the complaints was in Esperanto, and went unresponded to.

  • What Cameras On Monk Seals Show Us: It’s Tough Out There


An earlier version of this article misstated the amount of weight lost by some seals in the study. The seals that stay around Maui during the summer lost as much as 10 percent of their body mass, not 80 percent.

  • A reader tells us that after 31 years of entering the jumble rumble competition, she finally won, only for us to spell her name incorrectly. Congratulations go to Helen Kapua and not Harold Kaper. Apologies Helen.

April 28, 2050

  • PZ Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate Forced Into Apology For Maligning Civil Service


This article was amended after Mrs. Stonegate pointed out that she had in fact not apologized yet, and had no plan to. In addition, an earlier version misnamed the Center for Hawaiian Political Reform as the Center for Hawaiian Political Research.

  • What do Students Really Expect To Learn at the University of Maui Lahaina College?


This article was pulled after it was discovered that Kimberly Hekili, the only individual interviewed, was not a current student but rather had attended the unversity in 2046.

April 29, 2050

  • Hundreds of County Parks Ordered Closed Across Lahaina


We mistakenly said that more than 500 parks have closed in Lahaina since 2034 due to budget cuts. Greg Iona from the DLNR pointed out that there aren’t that many parks on the whole island, and that it was actually trails that were closed. In addition, the number of closed trails since 2034 was 5, not 500.

  • Over 1,100 years later, scientists discover what probably killed the Mayans


This article was amended to correct the spelling of Vindox Ashlidele’s name from Vindix Vagene. It was further amended for historical accuracy. While there is evidence that the Mayans had tobacco and probably smoked it, commercial cigarettes as we know them didn’t exist until the 1800’s. In addition, it is unlikely that there existed a Mesoamerican marketing campaign targeting young Mayans.

April 30, 2050

  • Unpaid internships in Lahaina now cost more than $3,500 a month


This article was amended to clarify that the cost of living in Lahaina was actually 3.5 times higher than the national average and not 2 times higher. In addition an estimated 1,000 graduates will have unpaid internships in a Lahaina business this year, not 10,000.

  • Dr. Adler Walters on the Cutting-Edge Technology of Trees


This article was removed after we were made aware that some of the information Dr. Adler provided is classified, and was supposed to be off the record. We apologize to the doctor, Vereserum, and the United States Government. We ask that readers who happened to see the article, immediately forget any and all details they might have remembered.

  • Abramo Chophouse Provides 20 tons of Burger To Expand “Meat and Greet” Program


We mistakenly identified the 20 tons of meat provided to the Meat and Greet program as “Burger”. Mr. Abramo points out that in fact, 20 tons of “Bob’s Perfect Burger Blend” was provided. He asserts that referring to the blend simply as burger is akin to calling a piece of wagyu beef, jerky. We have made the requested correction in the article.

We regret these and all future errors.

STORYLINE

Hailoha Defends New Sea Service

oceeans.jpg

Hailoha is defending it’s new Hailoha-Sea service today, after Mayor Albert Cravalho called for a closer look into the business, and threatened to shut down the water-based ride share service. Launched earlier this month, there have been numerous complaints about Hailoha-Sea drivers from government and law enforcement officials, as well as tourists. Hailoha officials say they are taking swift action to remove problem drivers, and are working with officials to ensure the safety of customers and contractors alike.

Hailoha-Sea was supposed to be one of the most unique and beautiful modes of travel available on the island when it was announced at the end of March. Like the wildly popular Hailoha ride share service, Hailoha-Sea would offer people a friendly and affordable transportation option whenever they needed it, but instead of riding in a car passengers would travel by boat.

“It just seemed like the next evolution of our service,” says Nella Lawe, Hailoha Vice President. “Maui is an island after all. It just makes sense that quick, safe, and affordable water transportation should be available. There are tens of thousands of boats and responsible boat owners that have a chance to supplement their income, and meet new people thanks to Hailoha-Sea. Visitors to our beautiful island can take numerous trips of a lifetime by just getting to their preferred destinations, using our service. On the few occasions when our pilots have not performed to our standards, we’ve taken swift action to rectify whatever issues have arised, and have worked openly with law enforcement.”

Despite Lawe’s assurances there have been numerous complaints about the Hailoha-Sea service including: dangerous night boating, drivers coming up on crowded beaches to pick up passengers, fights over prime territory, and intruding on delicate protected areas. The Coast Guard reports a 80% uptick in emergency calls since the service was launched. Greg Iona from the DLNR says the agency has received dozens of complaints this month. He says, “The preservation zone extends into the water in a number of spots and many of these drivers are disregarding the boundaries to make a quick buck. We’ve had people damage reefs, and just last week we arrested a driver who was charging tourists extra to take them to a protected sea turtle nesting beach. The worst I’ve personally seen is a group who were taking tourists near our resident sea otter pod and selling them clams to feed the otters. Unless there are some major changes, this new Hailoha service is going to turn into a disaster for our delicate natural areas.”

While there have been plenty of complaints about preservation zone infractions, they are a small fraction of the number of objections and allegations made to law enforcement and the mayor’s office. According to Mr. Cravalho, “Someone is going to get seriously hurt or drown.” He adds,

“We’ve had so many calls and complaints that we’ve had very little time for anything else this month. We’ve heard of Hailoha drivers showing up on paddle boards, and over-filling canoes to the point that they sink. There have been cases of boats bumping into each other at high speeds, fighting over dock space in high traffic areas, but at least those idiots were using a dock. We had a guy get stuck on Kalani Beach trying to be the first to pick up a bachelorette party. The waters around Lahaina have become a mess. There’s a local who has tied a bunch of ski tubes behind her boat, and goes up and down the beaches at night, running some sort of party bus service. Do you know how dangerous that is? Lahaina is not that big, and we already have numerous transportation options including: The Veil Stop Network, buses, Manimal public ATVs, and the traditional Hailoha service. Lahaina doesn’t need the dangerous free-for-all of Hailoha-Sea.”

Lawe counters that the number of complaints is actually quite small, compared with the total number passengers the company has ferried around the island. She says that Hailoha has fired anyone who has been ticketed or officially charged with wrongdoing, and the company investigates all complaints thoroughly. “We are determined to work with officials and make the best water-based ride service we can. Hawaii is all about beauty and freedom; and nothing is more beautiful than having the freedom to have a few drinks, and ride an inflatable tube through the water at breakneck speeds, with a dozen strangers back to your hotel.”

STORYLINE

Welcome to the Upper Management Team!

Dear Veilcorp employee,

Congratulations on making it to VL10 and welcome to the upper management team! We are excited to be able to harness your expertise to make Veilcorp an exciting and engaging workplace.

As you may have heard, there are a number of unique benefits offered to VL10’s not available to others inside the company. You should be receiving an information pack soon from Larry Block, HR’s special executive business partner (and a VL10 himself), detailing the specifics of your new package. He will guide you through all your options and accommodate you in any way he can. Please direct all inquiries directly to him.

Please note that you have already signed your non-disclosure agreement. It is important to remember not to share any details about these benefits with your subordinates. Any failure to keep this information to VL10’s and above will be met with consequences including curtailment of benefits to immediate termination, and might include civil and criminal complaints.

Without getting into details here are a few of the many wonderful new benefits afforded to you.

  • Free travel to any Veilcorp location across the world is of course available to you and your family. In addition, you will have access to staging specialists who will take furnishings and elements from your home to decorate whatever accommodations you have booked, giving you a feeling of home wherever you go.
  • On-Demand Newuskin treatments for you and your immediate family so you all can look and feel your best.
  • Access to one of the company submarines, use of the ski chalet, and access to veil-net for personal dataset syncing.
  • A 10% discount on veil corporation merchandise.
  • Subsidized tuition set aside for your children or any niece or nephew that you might want to help.
  • A VeilCorp provided loan instrument for the purchase of a home, if you need it, or are looking to upgrade.
  • A million-dollar donation budget that you can direct at your leisure (the urchin restoration project is a popular choice for some of this money)
  • A ceremplant upgrade for your family and loved ones, with complimentary satellite tracking, and an ambassador class security team available when you wish.
  • A 127 powered home generator that will provide you and your family with all the energy you will need for your lifetime.
  • Hailoha black diamond status providing you with free safe transportation within 5 minutes in over 200 cities worldwide.
  • Access to a veil-dug emergency shelter. You and your family will be safe and secure within our luxury facility. Larry will contact you to work out the specifics of the personal emergency veil we’ll need to install in your home.

All of these wonderful benefits and much more are now yours to enjoy. Your negotiated and updated financial package is available via VALARIE. Eric and I look forward to working more closely with you in our shared future.

Sincerely,
Lisa Hunt
COO
Veilcorp

STORYLINE

Let Hailoha-Eats Cater Your Next Event

Chances are you’ve probably heard about Hailoha-Eats by now, even if you haven’t personally used our service yet. We’ve been delivering the food that you crave for over a year in select locations. Whether it’s: masala dosa from India, Spanish paella, fat rice from Macau, French croissants, or even a dinner bowl from Hula Noodle just down the street, Hailoha-Eats has the biggest selection and the quickest delivery times around. What you may not know, is that for the past 3 months we’ve expanded our menu to include a unique catering service in Lahiana, and now we’re ready to enlarge our service area.

Our “Events On Demand” service provides you with a catering experience that you’re going to love from start to finish. All of your affairs including: corporate events, business engagements, receptions, dinners, picnics, box lunches, memorial receptions, religious events, cocktail parties, impromptu events, or group meals of a lifetime, will be a hit with our trained staff and endless offerings. Events On Demand let’s the party come to you!

We provide almost everything including setup, servers, tableware, clean-up, food and drink. We help you create and craft your event beginning to end. We walk you through each step of the process, and can be ready for most events in just a few hours with: gluten-free, sugar-free, fat-free, meat-free, and broth-free options. If you have tables and a roof, we can take care of the rest, but don’t take it from us. Here’s what one of our satisfied customers has to say.

“I work as a personal assistant in one of the fastest growing marketing firms on the island. My boss is great at his job, but isn’t really big on details. Since we’re still a growing firm, everyone works long hours and things slip through the cracks, like his anniversary, and his children’s special events. I felt uncomfortable planning them at first. Then he explained that if I didn’t like getting food for his kids’ Veil Scout banquet, and acting as his proxy, he could find someone who was more than happy to do it. It was the unscheduled business events that really got to me though.

We’d have dozens of clients coming in, and he’d forget to mention it until the day before. I’d have to spend my day handling all the usual office work, and scrambling to arrange food and entertainment with almost no lead time. I can’t tell you how many nights I ended up on my couch with a bottle of bourbon, and a stress headache. The pressure was almost unbearable. But then I heard about Halioha-Eats’ Events On Demand service, and things changed forever. The staff is friendly and professional, and unlike the office, nobody from Halioha has ever patted me on the butt after an event. The quality of the food is higher than my blood pressure used to be. Now I can put together any business event in an afternoon. Things have calmed down a lot at work, and I’ve been able to wean myself off of some of my medications. Thanks Hailoha-Eats! You are literally a life saver.”

Our service isn’t just for business. We specialize in more intimate events, closer to your heart as well. Our menu is as diverse and specialized as you need it to be. We can handle clients with a number of specific dietary needs and restrictions. Whether you are allergic to: tree nuts, milk, soy, wheat, egg, corn, Alpha-gal, garlic, peanuts, shellfish, dried fruits, onions, finfish, or gelatin, we can craft a menu perfect for you and your guests.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a 20 person holiday party, or a 200 person wedding reception. Providing you with exceptional quality service, exquisite food, and beautiful presentation, is always our priority and our privilege. Our private party specialists are friendly and eager to help you make your event a success. Give us a call, and find out just how easy throwing a memorable event can be.

“My great-grandmother TuTu has been the rock on which our family was built on for as long as I can remember. I grew up hearing about how much she sacrificed for the family and I’ve seen plenty with my own eyes. She gave one of her kidneys to her sister 50 years ago, and took in my cousins after my aunt and uncle were in an accident. I don’t know of too many 70-year-olds who could have handled raising a handful of traumatized teenagers, but she did. She made every dance, game, and event without slowing down. In a word, she is amazing!

This year, she was turning 100, and there was no way we weren’t going to do everything we could to help celebrate the woman who had spent her life making all of our lives better. However, we had some concerns. For as tough as she is, nobody has figured out a way to beat time, and 100 is pushing the limits. We’re not the kind of family that can afford to send her to the Kokua Wellness Center for treatments. You wouldn’t believe how much they wanted for a Nuuskin TuTu. We love her with all of our hearts, but it seemed like planning an event too far in advance was a gamble at her age. The last thing we wanted was to lose our deposit if she didn’t make it to her birthday, but Hailoha-Eats’ Events On Demand service was the perfect solution. Because we were holding the party here, and only had around 50 guests, they were able to accommodate us with only 2 hours notice. When she woke up that morning, we were able to book the food without worry, at a great price. They gave her the best birthday cake she ever had, and the rest of us some peace of mind. I can’t recommend them enough!”

Talk with one of our event specialists now, and get a free appetizer with your first confirmed booking. Your perfect party is only a call away!

STORYLINE

Man With Goose Phobia Calls Food Delivery Service For Help Scaring Away Birds

nene.jpg

A Lahaina area man with a severe phobia of geese found himself face to face with his worst fear Saturday night, when a group of nene surrounded his home just before dusk. After calling for help from his neighbors, the police, and animal control, to no avail, 48-year-old Kevin Morrow devised an unorthodox solution to his problem. He ordered a meal from the popular Hailoha-Eats delivery service, and asked the delivery driver to scare off the offending birds.

According to Morrow it was an ordinary Saturday evening. He was busy working on his latest book, outlining the danger food carts present to traditional family dinner rituals, when his dog Howie began to bark uncontrollably. Looking out the window, Kevin’s worst nightmare came true when he saw his yard was filled with nene.

Suffering from an acute fear of the state bird, he tried calling his neighbors for help, but they didn’t answer the phone. He next tried the police, but was told that they didn’t handle goose removal, and he should try animal control if they were still in the yard in the morning. Desperate for help, it was then that Morrow spotted the Hailoha-Eats flyer.

“I have more than a few phobias,” says Morrow “I suffer from: meleagrisphobia, the fear of turkeys, alektorophobia, the fear of chickens, and anatidaephobia, the fear of geese. Actually, I find most birds and many social situations to be daunting at the very least. It’s the geese that’s the worst though. There’s just something terrible in the way they walk and sound. They’re so aggressive! To be honest, I wasn’t surprised that I didn’t get any support from my neighbors. I’ve learned that they have little interest in hearing my opinions about their duty to mow the sections of my lawn that their kids play on, let alone scare off dozens of geese there. However, the fact that the police refused to help was very disappointing. When I learned I’d have to wait until morning to call animal control, I could feel myself beginning to spiral into a full blown panic attack. It was then the Hailoha-Eats pamphlet caught my eye. I use the service often, and knew that every order has a “Special Instructions” section. I made the call, turned off the lights so the geese couldn’t see me with their demonic-beady-little-eyes, and waited for help.”

Within minutes delivery driver Mark Me’e pulled into Morrow’s driveway, only to find a dark house. “The order came with a request that read ‘Help with birds,’” says Me’e. “Since it was Peking duck with extra crepes, and a side of foie gras, I thought maybe it was someone who needed help dishing out the food or something. But when I turned on my brights to make sure I had the right address, I saw what it really meant. There were dozens of geese on top of the house, and a bunch more came walking up from the side yard. I half expected Tippi Hedren to appear. None of them were making any noise. They were just looking at me. It was one of the creepiest things that I’ve ever seen.

I honked the horn to scare them away but they all squawked back at me, almost in unison. Honk. Squawk. Honk. Squawk. I rolled down the window to shout at them, and it was then that I noticed that I didn’t hear any bugs or other animals. It was completely silent. I called the customer contact number, and after going to voicemail a few times, Kevin answered. I asked what was going on; he explained his phobia, and said he was pretty sure they would hurt him if he went outside. He begged me to help scare them away, and I said I’d do my best.

They weren’t acting like normal nene. When I opened the door, a bunch of them put their heads low, and made a straight line towards me. It freaked me out so much that I got back in the car, and called Kevin again. I told him that I just drive people around, and deliver food, wrangling disturbing geese was above my paygrade. He sounded so scared though, that I couldn’t just leave him in there. I remembered that I had some emergency flares in the trunk, and told Kevin that I’d need him to draw the bird’s attention so I could get to them. He turned on the lights inside, and all the geese ran to the windows. I popped the trunk and ran to get the flares. I could see some of them turn back to me as I sprinted around the car. I grabbed the flares, lit a couple, and began throwing them in the yard while screaming at the top of my lungs. I can only imagine what it must have looked like to anyone driving past, but it worked. They flew off together, and I gave Kevin his food and a big hug. It’s a delivery I’ll never forget.”

Unusual animal encounters are on the rise in Lahaina, and this incident has many guessing what may have caused the strange behavior in the usually shy geese. Some say it is shifting climate patterns forcing the birds to seek out food in new places, while others place the blame firmly on Veilcorp, their travel technology, and their solar 127 harvesting program. The Department of Land and Natural Resources is expected to release the findings of their investigation into the issue later this year.

Whatever the outcome of the DLNR’s investigation, Morrow says he can’t thank Mark enough, and just wishes he could reward him more for his actions.

“There aren’t a lot of people who would have done what Mark did. I believe he saved Howie and I that evening. That’s why it was so hard to only rate him 3 out of 5 stars and reduce his tip. There’s no doubting his bravery, but at the end of the day he is a food delivery driver, and I was forced to judge him on that criteria. By the time he scared the geese away my crepes had become soggy, and he forgot my extra cucumbers and sauce. To be honest, 3 stars was probably a little too generous. I wish his company offered some sort of personal rating system, but until they do, I have to follow their guidelines. As a person, I can’t say enough nice things about Mark Me’e, but as a delivery driver, he’s a bit wanting.”