STORYLINE

Kokua Wellness Center’s Hot Yoga Program Raises Concerns

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Well known for their exclusive clientele, as well as their unconventional classes and treatments, the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa is often the subject of media attention. However, it is not the latest Layla Kalani sighting that has the spa in the news today, it’s the centers first offsite hot yoga program. With classes such as Attitudinal Interpersonal Marketing, and Mindful Chewing, you might wonder why Kokua’s hot yoga class is in the news. The answer to that is simple, this hot yoga class is taught near an active lava field.

According to Sebastian Malu, barr-a-loha and lava yoga instructor, hot yoga has many benefits. It can: cleanse toxins from the body due to profuse sweating, increase lung capacity, and circulation, boost the body’s immune system and regenerative properties, increase flexibility, and help with weight loss. He points out that a person who performs 90 minutes of hot yoga can burn over 700 calories. Nonetheless, Malu says his brand of hot yoga offers many more benefits.

“Though we try to pretend otherwise, the four fundamental elements are essential to good health and overall well-being. The truth of this is undeniable. The benefits of water aerobics and aqua therapy are well known. We are only beginning to understand how beneficial things like acrobatics and aerial exercise can be to happiness and balance. While those practices focus on the restoration of only one element, lava yoga harnesses the power of earth to keep you grounded and fortify your spirit, as well as invigorating your mana with fire, using that powerful energy to manifest your interpersonal goals.”

Taught at the foot of Kilauea’s most active lava field, Malu says his yoga classes are so popular that they are fully booked for the next three years. “I’m in the process of hiring an assistant so we can let more people experience the power of lava yoga, but the screening process is long and quite involved.”

Though the possibility of being covered in magma while in “dolphin” pose, may seem terrifying to some, Malu says that lava yoga is quite safe. “We recommend that all of our students wear fire retardant clothing just to be safe, but honestly, there’s very little chance of being seriously burned. Heat resistant suits are much too bulky to wear during lava yoga, so your proximity to the magma is limited. I tend to teach the class a blistering few hundred feet away, but I tell beginners to double that, and be mindful of the wind. Lava yoga is perfectly safe and may be the most complete physical and spiritual exercise ever conceived.”

Despite Malu’s reassurances many experts say that lava yoga is dangerous, and potentially deadly. They point out that lava is not the only danger of being near a volcano, it is often the gases released from the ground that are the most deadly. Greg Iona from the DLNR says, “The flow in the area is slow enough generally that I’m not concerned about people being overrun by lava, it’s a cloud of carbon dioxide settling down and asphyxiating people that I’m worried about. There are a number of harmful gases that should cause these people concern: sulfur dioxide, hydrogen sulfide, hydrochloric acid and carbon monoxide, just to name a few. There’s a reason volcanologists usually wear some sort of respiratory device while working near a volcano.”

Despite warnings from experts, many are willing to take the chance, and find the prospect of exercising in the shadow of a volcano exhilarating. Professional drinker, and Manimal spokesperson Tony “Half-Barrel” Kahale credits lava yoga with revitalizing his career.

“I’ve swallowed thousands of gallons of Manimal in my career, but I couldn’t swallow losing the Red Bottle 5-years-ago. It was a real low point. For 9 years I had been able to drink more Manimal, faster than anyone on the planet. It was everything to me, and when I lost, I lost more than the title. I lost who I was. Then I met Sebastian, and my life changed forever. He explained I had been living an unbalanced life. I had flooded my inner fire and earth. If I was going to get back on top, I needed to get rid of some of my water, and imbue myself with other energies. He was right. You wouldn’t believe how much you can ring out of my clothes after a session of lava yoga, it could fill a kiddie pool! I’ll be honest, the smell is pretty bad, and so are the vapors coming from the volcano. It’s like someone shoved rotten egg salad wrapped in burning hair up your nose, but you can’t argue with the results. I won my title back last year, and plan on defending it in a few months. They say the strongest steel has to go through the hottest fire. I don’t know anything about that, but I can tell you that lava yoga has my desire burning hotter than ever, and man am I thirsty!”

STORYLINE

Public ATV program plagued with technical problems

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The county of Maui and Manimal partnered to provide a public ATV service a little over a month ago, but the program has suffered from a number of major technical issues since its inception. Many are saying the self-driving vehicles are a menace, while others are calling for an immediate end to the service. Despite numerous updates and a recall in the first week to fix an overheating battery issue, the program continues to be plagued with problems. This weekend alone, the service logged over 30 complaints and left one family stranded almost 4 miles from the nearest charging station.

The preservation zone expansion in Lahaina a few months ago put greater restrictions on the number of ATVs allowed inside its borders, as well as the number of businesses allowed to rent the vehicles. In response, the Mayor’s office and Manimal teamed up to offer a first-of-a-kind public ATV program. The service was designed to give better control over all-terrain vehicles traveling through sensitive areas, and allow tourists to still participate in the popular way to see the island. 45 public all-terrain vehicles, in 5 different locations are currently available in the Lahaina area. However, things haven’t gone well.

First, the vehicle’s self-driving and navigation systems leave much to be desired. Unfortunately, it has become common to see the vehicles driving through yards, circling around in parking lots, or even becoming stuck against buildings. Owner of a local maker commune within the preservation zone, Ano Lee says he sees a lot of malfunctioning ATVs.

“We like to call them Self Crashing ATVs or SCATVs. We had one crawl up an embankment and run into the side of the printer shed with a couple of tourists inside. It just sat there, slowly spinning its tires in the grass. It took the Manimal tech over an hour to get down here and she had to disconnect the battery just to get it to stop. I can’t tell you how many people have hiked up here for help after one of these things hit a tree or drove down into a ditch. The only thing extreme about the Manimal ATVs is how extremely bad the navigation system is.”

The ATVs are also excruciatingly slow, with a top speed equal to a brisk walk. A commercial promoting the service with Tony “Half-Barrel” Kahale says that the slow speed is to ensure, “Nobody spills their Manimal.” In truth, the limited speed is a liability and insurance issue. It was thought at the time that slow speeds would make passengers safer, but it has proven to be just the opposite. Drivers have lodged numerous complaints about the vehicles impeding the flow of traffic. Coupled with the navigation issues, many worry that it is only a matter of time before a serious accident occurs.

The program was shut down 4 days after it began because of a number of battery fires. There hasn’t been a fire since the power cables were replaced in all units, but one other early bug is still plaguing the service. The ATV’s power indicators seem to be defective. This issue has left countless tourists stranded as their vehicles suddenly stop. 35-year-old Randy Wilcox and his family were enjoying their vacation until their vehicle rolled to a stop without warning, in the bottom of a gulch, 4 miles from the nearest charging station.

The Mayor’s Office has been scrambling to try and offer solutions to the numerous issues. Mayor Cravalho himself seems open to scrapping the program calling it, “a PR nightmare,” and he’s not alone. Many on the city council agree. A push to shut down the fledgling program is gaining momentum, but not everyone involved with the project seems to have such a negative view.

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says the program is just experiencing growing pains.

“I’ll be honest. I’m super bummed about the fires and the gauges not working right. That stuff should have been working on day one. But the stuff about getting lost, and driving through yards… you got to expect a few bumps when you’re blazing a new trail. We’re talking about complex systems, that take a specialized group of technicians and engineers. I’ve let them all know how uncool driving around in a circle at a shopping center is and they agree. We’re all on the same page now, and we have a super-good new approach to fixing these bugs and making sure they don’t pop up again. I’d like to encourage anyone who’s on the fence to go ahead and strap in and enjoy a ride. An automated trip down the beach is almost as refreshing as an ice cold Manimal!”

STORYLINE

Tony “Half-Barrel” Kahale Breaks Record, Claims Manimal Title Again

Tony “Half-Barrel” Kahale barreled over the competition at the world-famous Manimal drinking contest on Monday, setting a new record. Kahale drank a little over 2 gallons of the popular sports drink in 5 minutes during the competition, earning him the coveted Red Bottle. His closest competitor managed only about half that amount.

This is the 8th time Manimal has hosted the annual competition and the 6th straight time Tony has taken home the title. Kahale broke his own volume record this year by gulping down 2 gallons, 3 fl oz. of “Radical Red” in 5 minutes and kept the fluid down the requisite 10 minute holding period. “Tony’s maid will be ringing out red mops for a week after this win,” said a contest official. “His achievements speak for themselves. Half-Barrel doesn’t just look and live like a Manimal, he is one! It is our profound honor to award him with the Red Bottle again this year. He brings the sport of competitive drinking to a level not seen or recorded before in human history.”

Still, the competition remains a controversial one. A number of health and safety officials continue to be very vocal critics of the contest, pointing out the near-fatal outcome in 2022. 7-years-ago 3 contestants were hospitalized suffering from acute water intoxication and caffeine poisoning. The outcry from the medical community was loud and immediate. With the fate of the competition hanging in the balance, the public was asked if human life was worth a title invented by a sports drink company and a novelty-sized plastic bottle. According to Manimal officials, the answer was a resounding, “Indeed yes!”

“Unlike eating contests, the establishment media has always reported on speed drinkers with derision. However, history tells us that the ability to quickly drink a large amount of liquid has been held in high regard by a number of cultures. From countless nomadic tribes to the great Norse Jarl’s and the Roman aristocracy, gulpers were considered special. The turnout here proves that many of us feel the same today,” says a company spokesperson.

“We understand some of our detractor’s concerns and have implemented common-sense safety protocols. We now make all contestants sign a liability waiver that explains all the potential risks, enforce a strict time limit, and have introduced a 10 minute ‘holding period’ after the drinking phase of the competition. We trust that this holding period will keep contestants from ingesting an unhealthy amount of fluids. It is our belief that these athletes know what’s best for their bodies and the possibility of erupting like a human volcano in front of an audience will discourage them from pushing these limits too far,” he added.

Struggling to hold his award above his head, a somewhat bloated and obviously pained Kahale addressed the crowd, “This was my best year yet. My camp was terrific and I’d like to thank everyone who made this possible. Most of all I’d like to thank my fans. This giant bottle would mean nothing without you. I’d like to dedicate this year’s win to everyone who was ever told they couldn’t make it, that their dreams would never come true. I know what that feels like. Luckily I was born with an unusually elastic stomach and an unquenchable thirst for excellence. Some people don’t think that speed-drinking is a worthwhile goal, but I take this bottle and hydration, fucking seriously!”

Before exiting the stage he added, “I’ve only been drinking professionally for 6 years so I’m very proud of the titles I’ve won so far. I’d like to thank Manimal for allowing me to unlock my potential. I feel like we have a long and thirsty journey ahead of us. With your support, I will continue to power through the cups and competition. Give me a glass big enough and a table on which to place it, and I shall drink the world!”