STORYLINE

Law That Would Put Quota On Veil Travelers Passes

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Amongst cheers from its supporters and threats of legal action from the opposition, the InterIsland Preservation and Travel Act (IPTA) was passed today. The law would establish tough new regulations on the use of Veil transportation on any of the Hawaiian islands and impose a quota on the number of monthly visitors. Many native Hawaiians see the measure as a much needed safeguard for failing infrastructure and fragile natural areas. Veilcorp calls it a disappointing overreach. The controversial law is set to go into effect in 2047.

Proponents of the legislation say it is needed to protect strained electrical and sewage systems and to shield vital natural areas from overuse. Advocates point to the frequent back-up and spillage problems in Honolulu, and the recent destruction of a turtle nesting beach in Maui by a wedding party, as proof of the need for the law.

Starting next year, anyone planning to veil into the islands must submit a visitor declaration at least 60 days in advance, and outline which destinations they plan to visit as well as provide a departure date. Anyone caught staying past this date, or veiling in without a permit will be heavily fined with the possibility of jail-time for repeat offenders.

Not everyone on the islands agrees with the law. Many local businesses say they depend on a robust tourist trade, and cutting down the number of tourists by what some estimates say could be half, would be the beginning of the end for them. They also point out that so far the state has not explained how they would administer the monthly quotas or the waiting lists that are sure to reach out into year-long delays.

All of these questions and concerns are moot according to Veilcorp spokesperson Lisa Hunt. She says the new law is absurd and clearly unconstitutional, calling it “legislative theater”. Hunt says,

“Freedom of movement under United States law is one of the most fundamental constitutional rights of citizens recognized by the courts. It was recognized in the Articles of Confederation and the right to freely move between states is about as basic as it gets. What the Hawaiian government has done here is nothing more than an act of pandering to a very vocal and militant group of voters. They know that this law will not stand up to scrutiny in the courts. We suggest that they upgrade their sewer systems if they are no longer sufficient instead of spreading it around through legislation. Perhaps these advocates should get out of their comfy chairs and take a more hands-on approach to protecting the natural areas they allege to hold so dear. Stripping away freedoms won’t induce turtles to lay eggs.”

Mayor of the County of Maui, Albert Cravalho, disagrees. He says the law is much needed relief for a problem that has been growing for the past 7 years.

“Freely traveling between states has been considered a fundamental right but the federal government has not been invested with the authority to protect that freedom by the courts. That power has always resided with the states. But more importantly, we have to recognize that the Constitution is a living document. At one time slaves were considered three-fifths of a person, alcohol was illegal, and women were not allowed to vote. The creators of this great document wrote with quills, the ramifications of overcrowding due to veil technology was not on their radar. Oeming and his precious Veilcorp are just the latest incarnation of Captain Cook-like characters trying to exploit the beauty of Hawaii and its people. This problem really started to grow in 2039 when the United States joined 181 other countries in signing The Gateway Travel Accord. Giving virtually the entire population of the planet permission, and the ability to instantaneously stuff themselves into the 4,000 square miles many of us call home is short-sighted to say the least. Every winter our jails are filled with drunk Bostonians and others overstaying their visas. This is not a problem of our making. This is a global issue that was thrust upon us. Luaus aren’t a human right afforded to every southie, Saudi and shanghainese!.”

Albert’s sentiments are shared by many on the islands despite their doubts about the law’s eventual impact on the overcrowding and flash-tourist problems. Local IPTA advocate Elizabeth Stonegate says,

“As President of the Tanager Lane Homeowners’ Association for the past 15 years, I’m no stranger to hard and unpopular decisions so I empathize with the Mayor. If you think putting a travel quota in place is hard you should try getting everyone to agree to mandatory hibiscus planting. I agree that this is a problem that was thrust upon us by other countries. Just the other day a lost tourist wandered into the neighborhood. He walked up to me as I was getting the mail and asked for directions. His accent was so thick and I didn’t know what he was saying at first. You can imagine how off-putting the experience was. If something like that can happen in Tanager Lane, I can only imagine what horrors happen on a daily basis in the less upscale areas around the island.”

STORYLINE

Trapped Children Credit Quick thinking and Doughnuts for Survival

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The saga of 4 Lahaina children trapped inside a barrier wall came to an end today, when rescuers were able to safely remove them from the cavity that they had been huddled in for almost a week. Officials say that the construction drones that were building the wall failed to recognize that the children were inside the foundation trench when they began to pour concrete. Miraculously, none of the children were seriously injured, and all are expected to make a full recovery. The kids credit their survival with the quick thinking of one and freshly made doughnuts every night for keeping their spirits up.

June 10th was like any other typical summer day in Lahaina. In every neighborhood kids were outside playing ball or trying to beat the heat by walking down to the beach or jumping through a sprinkler. Tanager Lane was no different. 4 long-time friends, 10-year-old Brandon Stonegate, 11-year-old Landon Morrow, 10-year-old Greg Pio, and 9-year-old Tammy Laiwi, were playing in Brandon’s backyard, when the ball they were kicking around found it’s way into the trench dug for the barrier wall. The kids knew that construction on the controversial wall was supposed to continue that day, but assumed it would be safe for them to quickly retrieve the ball. They were wrong.

The wall around Tanager Lane had been a hot button topic for months. Opponents argued that it sent the wrong message to tourists and would become an eyesore. However, Preservation Zone Compliance Liaison to the Mayor’s Office Elizabeth Stonegate had been pushing the project, claiming that it was needed to help protect both the neighborhood and the surrounding protected areas. Stonegate said that the wall would “enshrine” the neighborhood and highlight Tanager Lane as an example of an area that had “reached 100% compliance with all preservation zone regulations”.
Stonegate’s plan included using the neighborhood’s maintenance drones to construct the wall in order to save money and keep heavy construction equipment from driving through the area. Many had concerns about turning over such a large project to the automated building-bots including their creator, Ano Lee. “I told Elizabeth that they still had some trouble recognizing objects that should be avoided and people when engaged in large projects, but she wanted to push ahead with the wall anyway,” he says. It now appears that Lee’s concerns were right.

Tammy and Greg were the first to jump in the trench to navigate the maze of rebar to get their ball. According to the friends, the drones showed up almost immediately, and they knew that they were in trouble. “They started to install big panels of wood. I had watched my uncle pour concrete before and knew that they were molds. They didn’t stop when they got by Tammy so Landon and I jumped in to pull them out, but the drones were working so fast that it was too late,” said Brandon. According to the children it was Brandon’s quick thinking and another drone malfunction that saved their lives.
One of the wooden panels was installed at an angle and broken. This left just enough space between the mold and the earthen wall for the children to take shelter as the concrete began to fill the trench. Brandon sealed the space as well as he could with a piece of the broken mold. It would be almost a week before any of them would be reunited with their families.

At first, nobody knew where the children were. Officials had been searching the surrounding forests for over a day before someone finally heard the children’s shouts for help. Worried about the structural integrity of the wall, first responders called in engineers to assess the situation. The tiny air hole the children had relied on was widened and people from around the island gathered to provide what help they could, including Hula Noodle owner Ralph Umeke with his “Mobile Malasada” truck. Along with some bottles of Manimal, some of “Uncle” Ralph’s malasadas were the first food to be lowered down to the children and they credit the deep fried treats with keeping their spirits up. The children remained trapped for another 3 days before engineers could safely pull them free this morning.

Brandon’s mother Elizabeth says she’s thrilled and relieved that the children are safe and healthy and says she and her family just wants to move forward and “let things get back to normal.” She adds, “Having something happen like this makes you think about what’s really important. You are only given one chance and one body to get through life, so it’s important to treat yourself with respect. When I see what these kids eat every day…well it’s no wonder they couldn’t climb out of that trench in time and my son had to risk his life to save them. Hopefully, these families will start taking nutrition a little more seriously. They won’t always have a Stonegate around to help them.”

For his part, Brandon says that he has no regrets about risking his life to protect his friends and says they have never been closer. He says he learned a lot through the ordeal, and his love of Portuguese confections is at the top of the list.

“We’re not allowed to eat that kind of stuff at home. I had no idea that something could be so delicious. Towards the end we were all getting pretty scared and worried that they wouldn’t be able to get us out before something bad happened. Just making it to the evening when the malasada truck got there helped us all. No matter how bad it got down there we knew we’d get warm doughnuts in the evening. I had to get trapped for 5 days in a cramped, hot, dirty hole with my friends to discover those malasadas. I think it was worth it.”

STORYLINE

Veilad Wants to Help You Power Your Vehicle

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A popular program in Lahaina that offers charging credits for electric vehicles in exchange for advertising is set to expand to all of Hawaii. The expansion comes just one year before the state mandated goal of having all ground transportation use renewable energy sources. Started in early 2043, the plan is a joint venture between Veilcorp spinoff, Veilad, and Phxicom.

Veilad has helmed many successful campaigns over the years including branded Reality Machine merchandise, and ads while you travel through the veil, but it was their corporate sponsored animal campaign that served as inspiration for the charging program. “The safety of the Duracave elephant herd served as the impetus for our charging initiative. We thought that giving an owner the chance to brand their vehicle in exchange for Veilcorp charging credit was a win-win situation. However, it wasn’t until we learned about Phxicom’s amazing sprayable display technology that our plan really took off,” says Veilad’s president Brie Howard.

Phxicom spokesperson Scott Parata adds, “Veilcorp has more charging stations than any other company on the island, and with Hawaii’s push to expand the use of EVs, the program sounded like an amazing opportunity. We’re glad we get a chance to show off the capabilities of our sprayable display while doing something to help the environment.”

Owners simply bring their vehicles to a participating facility and have the sprayable display installed on part, or all of their vehicle, depending on which plan they choose. Veilad then runs various advertisements that change depending on location. At the end of the month enrollees get a charging credit usable at any Veilcorp charging station.

The basic program covers the doors and hood of a vehicle and displays a different ad a few times a day. Brie says that for the average driver, the basic program can cover about 25% of their monthly charging bill. The premium program covers the entire vehicle with the Phxicom technology, and offers a much bigger payout.

In addition to covering your whole vehicle, the premium program is much more advanced. Sensors in the display track where a driver is in real time, and displays ads for businesses nearby or of particular interests. For example, if you find yourself near Black Rock Beach, ads relating to swimming and snorkeling will display. Further, the technology will play an accompanying audio track to ads if it senses it is in a high traffic area, regardless of whether or not it is being driven. According to Howard, participants in the premium charging program can expect to never pay a charging bill again.

While the program is a popular one, it is not without its detractors. Many consider the branded vehicles an eyesore. Others complain that the audio ads amount to nothing more than noise pollution, and that they disturb the peace and tranquility of natural areas. Maui police say that complaints about loudly playing ads number in the thousands. There’s also the problem of inappropriate items slipping through. Veilad admits that “there were some kinks to work out at first” but emphasizes that complaints about questionable content have shrunk to almost zero.

However, local resident Elizabeth Stonegate says the problem has been an ongoing one for her.

“It’s to the point where I don’t dare drive the van anymore. The problem started when I took my son and some of his friends to soccer practice. I saw people staring as I drove in, and assumed that they were staring at me. As President of the Tanager Lane Home Owners Association I get recognized a lot, it’s actually a little tiring. Anyway, after we stopped and got out I saw what everyone was staring at. My entire van had been turned into a disgusting advertisement for a questionable dating site. Then the audio began and I was mortified. Since then many of my son’s friends have asked if they could start carpooling with us. Even worse, Shelby had the audacity to question my judgment and fitness as head of the HOA. Even though everyone knows she’s still upset about the whole cat carrier incident, she never dared test my authority before. I work hard on projecting a perfect image. I will not be brought down because some company thinks they can make a buck off of lonely soccer parents.”

Brie reiterates that such issues are the exception rather than the rule and says that Veilad continues to work hard to screen their ad inventory. “For most people it’s an easy way to drive without paying for fuel. It offers valuable information to potential consumers, and is the best way available for a business to communicate its message. If you can live with driving a theme car, we’ll pay for the fuel,” she says.

STORYLINE

Automated Maintenance Drones Keep Neighborhood In Good Repair

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Home repairs and maintenance just got a whole lot easier in one Lahaina neighborhood with the unveiling of a group of automated maintenance drones. Created and conceived by local inventor Ano Lee, the drones can take care of most external home repairs as well as handle basic construction. Under the watchful eye of Tanager Lane Homeowners’ Association President and Preservation Zone Compliance Liaison to the Mayor’s Office Elizabeth Stonegate, the drones will work as part of a Maui funded pilot program for the next 90 days. If successful, they could be deployed to handle maintenance of government buildings all over the island.

Unlike most of his creations, Lee says that the inspiration for the automated drone system came from necessity. He was facing multiple fines for preservation zone infractions and was offered a chance to do community service in lieu of paying the accumulated fines.

“The pineapple bots I designed a couple years back have been a great success and have really changed the business of pineapple farming, however the strobe lights are a problem. It turns out that they are illegal to use within 100 yards of the preservation zone because they attract insects and endanger the native hoary bat. The fine was up to $500 per incident, and they had been documenting the lights for over a year. The final tally was insane, but Elizabeth said that she might be able to work out a deal. I had been toying with the idea of repurposing the drones for other tasks, and we worked out this maintenance agreement. I just wish they had informed me of the infractions earlier so I wouldn’t have to spend the next year building maintenance drones for the County.”

“Maintenance is one of the hardest parts of being a responsible home owner,” says Stonegate. “In my experience, it’s one that many people aren’t ready to take on. In my reign as Tanager Lane President, I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve had to point out chipped paint, crooked fencing, or a loose shingle. Unfortunately, most people don’t have the initiative to keep their things nice or are just too neglectful to do proper maintenance. Making sure residents live up to basic standards and prodding the lazy, so we can all enjoy a beautiful neighborhood, has taken up countless hours over the past 12 years. Finally, I’ll have a little help and I couldn’t be more excited. I just hope that the drones can keep up with me, and adhere to my standards better than some of our residents.”

3 drones started patrolling Tanager Lane this week. They do preventative maintenance according to a pre-programmed schedule, fix any problems they come across, and help enforce preservation zone rules. The drones keep track of a materials inventory necessary to complete most repairs and are capable of ordering supplies when they run low or need to take on a special task. Lee says that he hopes to include 3D printing technology in future models.

Technology and convenience does not come cheap however. Those living inside Tanager Lane will see a substantial increase in their HOA dues this year. However, Stonegate says, “When you consider how many fines the average Tanager Lane resident pays for infractions every year and the cost of multiple repairs, the price is actually a bargain.”

The drone roll-out has been well received for the most part. Many residents welcome the system and see the automated repair drones as a convenience, but there have been a few incidents that have raised concerns.

Shelby Pio says the drones ruined her son’s 10th birthday party.

“Eric missed out on a good portion of his summer vacation with a broken leg. He’s a very active boy and it was really hard for him to stay cooped up while watching his friends play. We decided to get him a bounce house for his birthday so he could jump around all day with his friends and maybe work out some of his frustration from the past month. The kids loved it and everyone was having a good time when I went inside to make some lemonade. A minute later I heard shouting and ran out to see what the trouble was. It was the drones. They were trying to drag the bounce house away and had pierced it in the process. I had a dozen crying kids in my front yard watching their afternoon of fun fly away. I called Elizabeth and she said that structures, even non-permanent ones, weren’t allowed without a permit. I felt more deflated than the bounce house.”

Stonegate says none of the children were hurt in the bounce house incident and adds that residents better get used to having the drones enforce the rules. In fact, she says she would like to expand their duties to yard care and driveway repair as well. Ano Lee says that early tests with lawn care have not been particularly successful. “In the few tests I’ve done so far the drones haven’t been able avoid large objects. The last thing I want is for a kid to get hurt while a drone is mowing the yard.” Stonegate counters, “I’m sure most children are smart enough to move when the flying lawnmowers show up, but I understand Mr. Lee’s concern. I look forward to seeing what progress he makes in the hot asphalt and concrete department in the upcoming weeks.”

STORYLINE

New app allows public to report violations in the preservation zone

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People witnessing a violation of preservations zone rules just got an easy way to report the infractions using their smart device or their ceremplant. The Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR), in association with the county of Maui, created an app called PZTip. It allows you to report a violation by providing details, photos, and video of illegal or suspected illegal activity in real time.
PZTip lets people connect directly with a special group of rapid response DLNR officers who can catch violators in the act. The app allows reporters to provide information that can lead to the arrest of anyone who hunts or harasses protected wildlife species, pollutes, litters, or violates any other preservation zone rules.

“Protecting our beautiful wild places and cultural resources will be a lot easier, with the help of the thousands of eyes and ears of concerned citizens. Despite our best efforts, we haven’t figured out a way to be everywhere yet. We believe that PZTip will be a game changer for our department and our people in the field. When a citizen calls in a tip, our coordination center dispatches the closest member of our rapid-response team to investigate. In the past, catching violators in the act and tracking down offenders was exceedingly difficult. The PZTip system helps expedite tips of wrongdoing and our responses,” said DLNR senior investigator Greg Iona.

Not everyone shares the DLNR’s enthusiasm however. Ronnie Kalipalani owner of Ronnie Kalipalani Construction has been a vocal critic of the program and says it is ruining the aloha spirit of the island.

“Creating a culture of distrust and an atmosphere of fear is not what we should be about. This campaign has already interfered with my business. While we were working on building an addition to a home near the preservations zone, we found a nice little area on a nearby bluff. It was great for lunch breaks or if my crew just needed some time. I know that when I make a mistake measuring or something, it helps to take an hour or so to get my mind straight. The bluff was perfect for that. We hauled in some nice chairs, a table, and a little solar powered fridge. It was paradise, but someone must have seen us and called in a tip. Next thing you know they’ve impounded the fridge and gave me a ticket for every item in our little break room. All together it’s going to cost me almost $10,000. It’s not like we were going to leave everything up there forever. I don’t know how they expect us to keep our beer cold now. More importantly, our morale has taken a big hit. I understand that people are concerned about protecting the environment but I don’t think setting up a group of secret informants is the right way to do it.”

The PZTip app is completely anonymous, as the technology removes all identifying information before officers see tips. This anonymous feature has led to a number of complaints about false accusations and Iona admits that his office has had to deal with a number of reports that have turned out to be unwarranted. However, it is not the prank reports that has many concerned. It is the marketing campaign around the app that has some raising their eyebrows.

In conjunction with the app’s release, the county has rolled out an advertising campaign that many are calling Orwellian in nature. Signs promoting the program direct the public to report any suspected violation even if the tipster in unsure if a law has been broken. Numerous posters urge residents and tourists alike to use live recording apps such as Manimal’s X-eyez, so they can keep a complete video log of suspected violations with lines like, “Better safe than sorry!” Others seem to encourage residents to follow tourists around to ensure that they don’t break the rules saying, “They don’t live here, you do. Make sure they’re not leaving a mess!” But it is the ads targeting children that has seen the most pushback. A commercial showing a fawn tangled in plastic and urging children to report littering parents before they “kill all the little animals,” has already been pulled but others of a similar tone are still being run.

Compliance Liaison to the Mayor’s Office Elizabeth Stonegate, says that the pushback to the program is nonsense and naive. She says that having a little fear of being reported to the DLNR is healthy, and that only people breaking the law need to be afraid. “If you didn’t do the crime you won’t have to pay the fine. It’s as simple as that,” she says.

“Everyone who has a sibling, cousin, or close family member knows the power of the statement, ‘If you don’t stop doing that, I’m going to tell.’ Fear of being told on when you’re doing something wrong is the cornerstone of every successful family and functional government. Without the possibility of repercussions nobody would follow the rules or pull their weight. Most people don’t do what they’re supposed to because of some sort of intrinsic goodness or sense of duty. They do it because they’re scared of being told on. I’m sorry if the people living in Lollipop Land don’t understand that. The PZTip app is the most powerful tool we have to force people to follow the rules. If parents did a better job of teaching their children by example, we wouldn’t have to instill proper values in them through our school outreach programs. I’m sorry if it upsets the haters, but the app is here to stay.”

STORYLINE

The Lahaina Power Plant Has Got To Go!

The Power Plant Problem

Hello fellow homeowners. As my first action as your continued HOA president, (thank you to everyone who voted to re-elect me), I’d like to address the elephant in the room. We need to do something about the power plant.

I know that it has been here for a few years now, but as my mother always said, “don’t be afraid of pointing out other people’s mistakes.” I don’t know about you, but that constant hum has made it almost impossible to lay out by my pool and has caused my pets no small amount of stress. The color is awful too. I know that you can’t really see it from here, but you have to drive past it and I’d prefer my drive home to be ugly, hulking-object free. There is no reason why they couldn’t have added design elements to better match the outdoors or built shelving along the walls for potted plants.

Also, can we please talk about the word “Thorium”? As a progressive community I feel like this word brings out the worst thoughts in people. I don’t want potential home buyers to hear that word and be assaulted with images of vikings with dirty beards dripping with the blood of oppressed people. Inclusion, tranquility, and good schools within walking distance should be on the mind of every potential new home owner when they arrive, not hammers and radiation.

I know some of you may think that I’m taking on too much with the power plant, especially if I’m going to fulfill my campaign promise of having us officially moved into the preservation zone. I see the two issues as intertwined. I refuse to believe that the power plant is any less dangerous to endangered wildlife than my cats. They are animals too, and it is unreasonable that I can be punished if they happen to catch a bird or two. That is nature. It makes no sense to control nature in a nature preserve.

On a slightly unrelated note, I’d like to thank Shelby for loaning me her extra cat carrier. Because this was Elvira’s first trip to the vet, she was very nervous and had an accident inside. I did my best to clean it out, but the smell was pretty bad, and the kids were starting to complain so I had to put it outside. It’s at the end of the driveway, feel free to pick it up as soon as you can. We don’t want to leave items like that in the driveway too long. It looks trashy.

We don’t want our whole neighborhood looking trashy either and that’s what the power plant does. It’s loud, ugly, and poorly named. It is a huge danger to our home values and the Tanager
way of life. With your help and support this lioness is going to let Veilcorp hear her roar, and threaten with legal action if they don’t give in to at least some of her demands.

STORYLINE

My Tenure as HOA President will Continue Despite My New Appointment

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I have some great news Tanager Lane residents! The mayor’s office has officially recognized my strong leadership and people skills. I’m proud to announce that I have been appointed as his Compliance Liaison. It is my job to ensure that everyone in Lahaina is following the new preservation zone rules. As I’m sure you’ll agree, they couldn’t have made a better choice.

Don’t worry, I have no plans to abandon my duties as your HOA President. In fact, I’ve found the best way to lead is by example and together we will turn Tanager Lane into a shining example of compliance. Under my direction, we are going to follow the new regulations so hard and completely, that you’ll forget they’re new. I think we can all agree that some of you have a hard time remembering rules; I’m looking at you Shelby. Don’t worry! As usual, I have come up with a simple solution.

Tomorrow morning you will all find a laminated “cheat sheet” in your mailbox. It is double sided and covers everything we need to work on. (I will include the cost of the sheets and my time in the next round of HOA fees.) I suggest that you all study them carefully. I plan on conducting numerous pop quizzes so please be prepared. I recommend that you display the cards in a prominent place so nobody has an excuse for not learning the material.

Please make sure that you go over the regulations with your children. We can’t reach our goal of 100% compliance unless everyone, even your little ones, follow the rules. I know some of them have had issues in the past; again, I’m looking at you Shelby. In some ways these new rules will be a test of your parenting skills, so you can understand my concern. While I’ve tried to make the cards idiot proof, there are a couple rules that I want to hammer home so there is no confusion.

First, all debris and non-permanent items must be removed from your property. It turns out those little fire ants can set up house in almost anything that keeps them out of the sun. I am considering any item I see unattended outside as debris, and will dispose of it as such. Bikes, skateboards, and scooters are fair game. Grills, and unattended lawn furniture are on the list too. If you’re practicing your golf putting I suggest you leave the other clubs inside or carry the bag. All vehicles must be kept in your garage. No more driveway parking. I’m throwing shade on anything that could potentially provide shade.

The other issue I want to touch on is some of the new pet regulations. I know that I have been overly forgiving about pets in the past but the days of a kinder, gentler Elizabeth are gone. Your pet negligence is a direct reflection on me now. Your animals are not allowed outside off a leash ever, end of story. In fact, it would probably be best if you just didn’t take them out at all; better safe than sorry. I know that this might be an extra burden to those of you with dogs, but it was your choice to get a pet that traditionally uses the outside as a bathroom. Unfortunately, nature and the new regulations don’t have a 5-second-rule when it comes to pet waste. I’ll be more than happy to help anyone rehome their dog if they think they can’t live up to the new expectations.

I know this is a lot to take in but I’ll be right there alongside you to make sure you’re working towards our common goal. Under my leadership we can be safety conscious as well as upholding the Tanager Lane way of life. I agree that some of these new rules seem a bit extreme but protecting our beautiful natural areas is important if we want to keep our property values up. If you have any questions please refer to your cards before contacting me. Let’s show Lahaina what 100% compliance looks like!

STORYLINE

We should cut the ziplines and our losses

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Like many of you I was indifferent to the idea of running ziplines from the radio tower to key spots downtown. On one hand I thought it would reduce the number of lost ecotourists wandering through the neighborhood, on the other hand there were a bunch of meetings that my wife insisted we attend. I consider my time valuable so I was not looking forward to the meetings but figured that the nut who railed against the tower because it would increase swearing would show up and I’d get a laugh. But I’m not laughing now. After everything I’ve been through and seen, I’m beginning to think that the wacko had it right all along. The zipline experiment has failed and we need to take them down before it’s too late.

Like the local weirdo, my first concern is with language. I’m the kind of guy who tries really hard not to care about anything. Getting worked up about issues that you can’t change yourself is a drain. I try not to get too excited about things, but the amount of flying f*$ks given off by these zipliners is astounding. I would estimate that a f-bomb is dropped within earshot of my home every 15 minutes. I have impressionable children. If they are going to be exposed to that kind of language I want it to be from me, not some stranger flying through the sky above their home like a foul-mouthed Santa.

Next we have the safety issues. The company running the lines clearly doesn’t care about safety. From what I can tell, customers are often drunk when using their service. The lines have been up less than a month and we’ve already had 2 instances of people getting stuck. If I’m working on the car while trying to listen to the game, the last thing I need is a screaming tourist stuck 40 feet above my house. It’s not just terrified tourists going down the lines either. I’ve seen coolers, pets, and even a baby strapped into a car seat go flying through the air. At any given time the sky above my neighborhood looks like a cross between a Vegas acrobat show and a swap meet.

Even with all of those problems I thought I could abide the daily idiot air show. There was an incident last week that changed my mind however. I can tolerate bottles and wrappers falling like a filthy rain but not what landed on my car on my way home.

I am the proud owner of a Mustang Shelby GT350. Her name is Ivy. I love her. With 526 hp, 429 lb-ft of torque, and custom green paint, Ivy sets me apart from other men. I love my kids. I really do, but they aren’t remarkable in any way so far. They do alright in school but just alright. I’m probably going to have to pay for their college without any help from scholarships. Neither one is especially athletic or good looking so a job as a Manimal spokesperson is out the window. No, they’re just your run-of-the-mill ordinary kids and I’m OK with that. Ivy is different. When you have a car like that people know that you’re the kind of guy who’s willing to put time into something. Maintaining a car as special as Ivy this close to the ocean is hard work. All kids need is access to food and an occasional hug. Ivy is special and I’m very protective of her.

I was driving home along my normal route, being careful to avoid any debris in the road, just like I always do, when I noticed a zipliner coming my way. I could hear her screams over Ivy’s purr and her face was frozen in terror. Then I watched something drop and arc my way in the wind. I couldn’t figure out what it was at first. It hit the windshield and my mind scrambled to come up with a scenario that wasn’t so horrific, but I had to accept what just happened. The tourist was so scared that she lost control of her bodily functions, and now it was all over Ivy. By the time I got home my finger was numb from pressing the washer fluid button. It took 2 hours of meticulous washing and waxing before Ivy was no longer befouled but I’m not sure she’ll ever be clean again. I double bagged and threw away her wipers.

I want to believe that I’ll be able to look at her one day and not relive the incident, but it’s just too hard right now. I can’t unring that bell. She’s sat covered in the garage all week. I’ve been taking the bus to work. As long as those lines are still up I can’t chance it. Let’s take them down now before others have to feel the pain of having a stranger literally shit all over the thing they hold most dear.

Concerned Citizen,
Scott Stonegate