Lahaina Advertiser Corrections & Clarifications

The Lahaina Advertiser is committed to bringing you news and content that informs, engages, and entertains. We pride ourselves with holding the highest editorial and journalistic standards, delivering to our readers accurate, impartial, and timely stories. However, mistakes are sometimes made. When errors are brought to our attention, we seek to publish corrections and clarifications promptly and transparently. This page brings together in one place all of the corrections and clarifications made to The Lahaina Advertiser across print and digital platforms, whether as a result of complaints or further developments in a story.

April 24, 2050

  • This Mutant Crayfish Clones Itself, and It’s Taking Over Maui


An earlier version of this story misspelled the scientific name for the Red Swamp Crayfish. It is Procambarus clarkii, not Procambarus clak. Also, we have been informed that the crayfish in question does not have the ability to clone itself, and was introduced in 1923, contrary to our assertion that its presence is a mystery. Hula Noodle owner Ralph Umeke did want us to stress that the clarkii are “nasty” and nearly inedible, even with copious handfuls of garlic.

  • Randy Wilcox, Trailblazing Reality TV and Streaming Star, Dies at 46


Although seriously injured, Randy Wilcox is very much alive and recovering in the Lahaina Medical Center. Some of our readers also took issue with calling Mr. Wilcox a “star” or even “Mr.”, the latter of which is a requirement of our manual on style.

April 25, 2050

  • Veilcorp Studies Security Policies and Sees “Little Risk” to Bottom Line


An earlier version of this story misstated the portion of Veilcorp’s business that the company estimates would be affected by stricter global security policies. A spokesperson for Veilcorp says the company’s internal security protocols already exceed the measures proposed, and would not affect operations at all.

April 26, 2050

  • Hailoha Defends New Sea Service


We had mistakenly reported that Mayor Albert Cravalho had no comment on the matter. However, he had actually called for a closer look into the business, and threatened to shut down the water-based ride share service.

  • Six Films to Stream if You Loved “Veil of Terror: A Bride’s Nightmare”


Many of you suggested that Veil of Terror stands alone as one of the worst movies ever made. Readers suggested that the jerky camera work, ham-handed storyline, and actors taking on more than one role, made the film unlike any other, and trying to attach some similarity to six other films was not fair. On further review, we agreed and removed the story altogether. One of the complaints was in Esperanto, and went unresponded to.

  • What Cameras On Monk Seals Show Us: It’s Tough Out There


An earlier version of this article misstated the amount of weight lost by some seals in the study. The seals that stay around Maui during the summer lost as much as 10 percent of their body mass, not 80 percent.

  • A reader tells us that after 31 years of entering the jumble rumble competition, she finally won, only for us to spell her name incorrectly. Congratulations go to Helen Kapua and not Harold Kaper. Apologies Helen.

April 28, 2050

  • PZ Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate Forced Into Apology For Maligning Civil Service


This article was amended after Mrs. Stonegate pointed out that she had in fact not apologized yet, and had no plan to. In addition, an earlier version misnamed the Center for Hawaiian Political Reform as the Center for Hawaiian Political Research.

  • What do Students Really Expect To Learn at the University of Maui Lahaina College?


This article was pulled after it was discovered that Kimberly Hekili, the only individual interviewed, was not a current student but rather had attended the unversity in 2046.

April 29, 2050

  • Hundreds of County Parks Ordered Closed Across Lahaina


We mistakenly said that more than 500 parks have closed in Lahaina since 2034 due to budget cuts. Greg Iona from the DLNR pointed out that there aren’t that many parks on the whole island, and that it was actually trails that were closed. In addition, the number of closed trails since 2034 was 5, not 500.

  • Over 1,100 years later, scientists discover what probably killed the Mayans


This article was amended to correct the spelling of Vindox Ashlidele’s name from Vindix Vagene. It was further amended for historical accuracy. While there is evidence that the Mayans had tobacco and probably smoked it, commercial cigarettes as we know them didn’t exist until the 1800’s. In addition, it is unlikely that there existed a Mesoamerican marketing campaign targeting young Mayans.

April 30, 2050

  • Unpaid internships in Lahaina now cost more than $3,500 a month


This article was amended to clarify that the cost of living in Lahaina was actually 3.5 times higher than the national average and not 2 times higher. In addition an estimated 1,000 graduates will have unpaid internships in a Lahaina business this year, not 10,000.

  • Dr. Adler Walters on the Cutting-Edge Technology of Trees


This article was removed after we were made aware that some of the information Dr. Adler provided is classified, and was supposed to be off the record. We apologize to the doctor, Vereserum, and the United States Government. We ask that readers who happened to see the article, immediately forget any and all details they might have remembered.

  • Abramo Chophouse Provides 20 tons of Burger To Expand “Meat and Greet” Program


We mistakenly identified the 20 tons of meat provided to the Meat and Greet program as “Burger”. Mr. Abramo points out that in fact, 20 tons of “Bob’s Perfect Burger Blend” was provided. He asserts that referring to the blend simply as burger is akin to calling a piece of wagyu beef, jerky. We have made the requested correction in the article.

We regret these and all future errors.

Abramo “Meat Wagons” Serve Up Food and Controversy

With torrential rains in the forecast for the rest of the week, and the unusually high king tides, the flooding that has submerged much of Maui is likely to continue for days to come. Hundreds of first responders and relief volunteers have been working hard to find those trapped or injured and distribute clean water, clothing, and medicine. Dozens of emergency food stations and mobile kitchens have followed to provide warm meals to victims and rescuers alike. Bob Abramo’s “Meat Wagons” are among the most popular, offering a variety of delicious meat based items and pre-packaged shredded pork dinners. While they’re a hit with flood victims and workers alike, many other food truck owners and emergency meal providers say that Abramo employees are spreading rumors and vandalizing their property. Some even accuse Abramo himself of using his government connections to interfere with their efforts and business.

In the past 72 hours, Kahului has seen over 30” of rain, almost twice the average annual rainfall. Coupled with a remarkably high tidal surge, the storms have flooded the area, causing hundreds of millions in damages and leaving an estimated 30,000+ without homes. Officials say that Kahului will likely be declared a disaster area, and the damage is already worse than the devastation that hurricane Neki left behind in 2047. Worse still, forecasters are predicting another foot of rain before it’s all over. For most, the only small respite in their day is a warm meal, and many are doing their best to provide those meals. One of the most preferred choices are the “Meat Wagons,” mobile extensions of the famous Abramo Chop House.

While they are a hit with flood victims, many other meal providers have lodged complaints over the trucks and Abramo himself. Harvey Poua, owner of a popular local sushi shop, says Abramo employees have been harassing his workers and spreading rumors about tainted fish. “They’re acting like bullies,” he says. “They’ll stand in line and talk about how our fish hasn’t been properly stored and how sick people have gotten eating it, then hand out directions to the nearest Meat Wagon. I’ve heard stories that they’ve actually blocked other food trucks in, keeping them from going where they need to go. I made an official complaint yesterday and this morning our trailer was mysteriously tampered with. I showed up with the day’s fish to find that someone had cut our condenser lines, so all the coolers were warm. A few minutes later a health inspector shows up for a surprise inspection, and now we’re closed down until I can prove our coolers are working again. This isn’t a game, I’m trying to feed people who just lost everything! From what I hear, I’m not the only food provider who’s found their property vandalized.”

Lahaina fixture and owner of the award winning Hula Noodle restaurant Ralph Umeke says he’s been the victim of tire slashing himself since arriving with his “Mobile Malasada” truck. “Bob actually called me and tried to talk me out of driving the truck to Kahului. He said, ‘There are already too many people trying to get a piece of the relief pie, and I like big slices of pie, Ralph.’ I explained that I just wanted to help out, since a lot of those people helped us after hurricane Neki, but he wouldn’t hear it and hung up on me. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but less than 24 hours later I found my tires slashed and one of the Meat Wagon drivers told me that, ‘Mr. Abramo thinks you should go home.’ What’s going on here is crazy. I don’t know what he’s thinking.”

For his part, Mr. Abramo denies that he, or any of hs employees, have broken any laws, but he admits to having a “competitive spirit” when it comes to his relief work. He says, “No matter what I get involved in, I like to win,” adding. “I’m going big in Kahului so all the others should just go home.” When pressed about the accusations of vandalism, threats, and surprise inspections Abramo said,

“You have to remember that things are in upheaval over there, and with chaos comes crime, I’m just thankful that none of my vehicles have been vandalised yet. Make no mistake, the relief business is still a business, and there’s going to be winners and losers. I’m not a loser. I think before this is all over, my Meat Wagons will have the highest customer satisfaction ratings and will have served more meals than any of those reheated tragedy-dinner peddlers. The truth of the matter is that one person is squealing the loudest right now, Poua. Harvey is just upset that his so called healthy meals lack the fats needed to keep people warm and energized through a long day of rescue work. After a hard day, your typical relief worker wants to bite into a big chunk of perfectly cooked meat and wipe the juices off their face, not nibble on a tiny piece of questionable fish. If I was Harvey I’d worry more about offering a proper portion size than what my competition may, or may not be doing.”

Mr Abramo had equally harsh words for Mr. Umeke and bristled at the idea that anyone involved with his business threatened the Hula Noodle owner.

“As far as Ralph Umeke goes, I’ve heard good things about his noodle shop, although it’s not really my thing. I’m sure there’s plenty of people who find boiling water and opening a seasoning pack too much trouble, but I’m not one of them. I was surprised to learn that he drove his Malasada truck to the area, but I don’t really consider him a serious competitor. His pastries may be edible, but they’re just empty calories. The Meat Wagons offer a variety of desserts that are both delicious and give you energy throughout the day. Our chocolate marrow cake, pork belly donuts, and foie gras bread pudding are much better choices for survivors than what Umeke is offering. I’m sorry that not everyone has the same hunger that I do. I also apologize that a few of our trucks may have blocked others due to unfortunate breakdowns, but I don’t regret trying to become the best food relief provider in Maui. Every disaster needs a winner and I intend on winning through taste, portion size, and gobbling up the competition.”

Parks Department Using Squirrels To Help Keep Lahaina Parks Clean

With the busy Winter season just around the corner, Lahaina is about to be flooded with tourists enjoying the beautiful parks and sandy beaches. However, the cleaning crews at the dozens of area parks will look a little different this year. Visitors will notice dozens of squirrels around these popular locations carrying cigarette butts and refuse, but the Parks Dept. doesn’t want you to worry. The squirrels aren’t another invasion of non-native species, and they’re not in any danger. They’re working.

Three dozen trained squirrels in all will be employed to keep Lahaina’s most beautiful areas trash-free, according to Mayor Albert Cravalho. “Our intention is to not just keep our parks clean, but to show that nature is one of the best teachers. If these small animals can be taught to clean up, we can certainly teach our children to be responsible stewards of the land, and maybe learn ourselves. Plus, the squirrels literally work for peanuts. So far, they’re just as good at cleaning up as their human counterparts, and it’s been a hit with the tourists.”

The brainchild of former DLNR officer Brandon Kama, the squirrels come from his animal sanctuary and rehab non-profit “Creature Comfort.” With the help of the public, and donated veil travel from Veilcorp, Kama says he has been able to save over a thousand animals in the past three years. While Creature Comfort focuses on returning animals to the wild whenever possible, often the animals Brandon takes in are too hurt, or lack the ability to fend for themselves. Most of these animals are used for therapy purposes, but Kama says he noticed something about the squirrels living at the facility. “Whenever we took the squirrels out, they’d grab anything they could off the ground, and that gave me an idea.”

“Not many people know this, but squirrels are amazingly easy to train. You can even teach them to use a litter box if you keep them inside. People have trained animals to do all sorts of things over the years. They’ve taught monkeys to search for landmines, and Chinese fishermen have used cormorants instead of nets for centuries. I didn’t see why you couldn’t teach a squirrel to pick up a cigarette butt. I started off with the ones most food driven, and let their natural instincts be part of the training.”

Working in teams of twelve, Kama’s bushy-tailed cleaning crews have been trained with the help of an automated food bin. The squirrels receive a food pellet or treat each time they deposit a small piece of trash, or discarded cigarette end. Kama says it takes one of the squirrel teams about an hour to clean up a five acre area. “Sometimes you run into something that’s too big for the squirrels, and you have to toss it in the bin yourself, but for the most part you don’t have to do anything but wait. You don’t even need to pack up the squirrels if your next location is nearby. They’re so focused on the bin that they will follow it wherever it’s wheeled.”

However, many have complained in the past few months that Kama’s squirrels don’t always stay where they are supposed to, and that some have developed a taste for the nicotine in the discarded cigarettes they collect. In an open letter to the Lahaina Advertiser, one frequent park visitor said in part,

“…..I tend to avoid the parks in the morning now since I find the squirrels to be overly aggressive until they’ve found a few butts to chew on. I’ve seen them steal unattended packs off of picnic tables, and follow around smokers, chittering angrily until they can get a square of their own….I’m just thankful that they weren’t trained to seek out old beer cans, and liquor bottles, or by the end of the day, the park would be filled with belligerent drunk squirrels falling out of trees.”

There have been a handful of cases involving squirrels that have wandered out of the parks as well. In addition to worries about escaped squirrels starting a breeding population on Maui, the rodents can cause serious damage to buildings, and the island’s electrical infrastructure. Hula Noodle owner “Uncle” Ralph Umeke has had his own run-in with Kama’s cleaning crew, and thinks the program should be cancelled.

“I get that tourists get a kick out of seeing a tree rat pick up garbage, but Hawaii has had enough trouble with invasive species. This Kama guy does a terrible job at keeping these things under control, and it’s already cost me plenty. For weeks we could hear the damn little things crawling on the roof during lunch. I called to complain, and they came out , apologized and promised to not let it happen anymore, but a few days later we heard them running around again. About that time, I’d occasionally catch a whiff of cigarettes in the restaurant, usually in the morning. I assumed it was one of the kids I hired to bus tables sneaking a smoke. They denied it, but it was the only thing that made sense to me. Then one day a big storm came through, and I found out where the smell was coming from. I noticed part of the ceiling began to drip brownish water, and before I could get a bucket out in the dining room, a section of the ceiling caved in. Over a hundred pounds of wet cigarette butts poured out. The squirrels had chewed a hole in the building, and had been storing cigarettes in the roof space. Cigarette butts haven’t been, and never will be, one of the many delicious condiments you can get for your noodles here. This squirrel thing is the pits, and needs to be shut down.”

Man Attempts To Break Longest Noodle Record To Fight Hunger

Food insecurity is a big problem in Hawaii, that Lahaina resident Ralph Umeke plans on fighting with a giant noodle. Partnering with Veilcorp, Umeke will attempt to break the world’s record for the longest handmade noodle, in an event to bring awareness to the problem, and raise money for food pantries across the island.

According to the Department of Human Services (DHS), over 16% of Hawaiian households have difficulty during the year providing for all their members due to lack of resources. That is a statistic that Umeke, owner of the famous “Hula Noodle” eatery, finds troubling.

“I think it’s a shame, disgraceful really, that even in paradise, over a quarter million people aren’t sure where their next meal is coming from. We live in an amazing time. People can travel to any destination in the world in a matter of seconds, we have the ability to genetically engineer plants and animals like never before, but we still haven’t figured out how to make sure kids aren’t going to bed on an empty stomach. I had no idea the problem was this bad until a few months ago, but I’m doing everything I can to raise awareness and work towards a solution. That’s what this event is about. Showing everyone that they can make a difference using whatever skills and resources they have. I know noodles, and with the help of my Veilcorp partners; I’m going to make the longest one the world has ever seen.”

Hundreds of food insecure families will be the guests of honor for the event this weekend, hosted by Veilcorp. Umeke will attempt to create, by hand, one continuous noodle over 1.25 miles long (2,000 meters). If successful, the noodle will be served to the guests of honor and a number of special donors. There will be food, music, games, and information on how to help struggling households for the general public as well.

“When Uncle Ralph asks you to help, you can’t say no,” says Veilcorps VP of Special Projects Brie Howard. “The statistics about food insecurity in Hawaii are heart-wrenching. We are honored that a fixture of the Lahaina community like Mr. Umeke would ask us to help raise awareness to such an important issue. Whether he’s helping to keep our beaches clean by teaching kids the importance of recycling, or making sure that everyone has food and water after the devastation of hurricane Neki, Ralph Umeke is always striving to make the world a better place. We share those ideals at Veilcorp, and are thrilled that we were asked to be part of this record breaking event.”

Umeke says he’s confident that his attempt will be successful, “I actually make more noodles on a busy Saturday. The only issue I see is not letting it break, but I’ve been making noodles for over 40 years. At this point my hands just know what to do. I’m pretty sure that I’ll break the record.”

Ralph’s confidence might be in part due to a high-tech ace up his sleeve. Long-time friend and fellow Lahaina resident Ano Lee says the pair have been preparing for weeks using a virtual reality training system.

“I know that he is serious about this issue because he’s letting me talk to you. I’ve never known Uncle Ralph to be scared of anything, but he is terrified that someone is going to ask to take his picture while he’s wearing the rig I built. It may look a little funny, but it is really amazing. The Noodle Simulator’s helmet syncs up with the wearer’s ceremplant, the vest and boots measure subtle body movements, the wristbands track the hands, and all the data is fed and recorded into the belt. We have simulations that account for environmental factors like high humidity, wind, and rain, anything that might affect the strength of a noodle. He’s done great in the practice runs so far, so I’m sure everything will go smoothly this weekend. We’ve collected so much useful data that I think we could train someone to be the next Uncle Ralph by simplifying the system and hooking them up. Not that I ever would of course. I think he’s prepared for anything that could come his way at this point.”

Umeke says he appreciates the outpouring of support for the cause. “This wouldn’t be possible without the help of Veilcorp, the volunteers, DHS, and yes, Ano and his crazy noodle simulator. I appreciate everyone’s help, but I want to make sure that nothing overshadows the reason we’re all coming together. I’m going to make a noodle over a mile long, but we all have miles of work left to do. We need to ensure that our friends and neighbors don’t have to worry about something as simple as a meal.”

How a simple noodle shop became a Lahaina institution

With so many things to experience and places to see, new visitors frequently have a hard time deciding what to do while in Lahaina. Options include: snorkeling, whale watching, swimming, golf, eco-tours, ziplines, ATV rides, kayaking, shopping downtown, or just enjoying a beverage on one of the world’s most beautiful beaches. The choices are almost endless. If you ask a local what to do while on the island you’ll most likely hear a combination of the things above. If you ask them where to eat, chances are one name will come up over and over again, “Hula Noodle.”

Built back in 2025 by Ralph Umeke, the noodle shop has become a favorite of Lahaina residents and one of the hottest spots on the island thanks to its history and Umeke himself. Known simply as “Uncle Ralph” by the locals, Umeke started Hula Noodle to be “a place where you could grab a warm bowl of food before work, or after a long day surfing, without a lot of fuss or people bothering you.”

Ralph’s dishes have won a number of awards over the years. A quick check will reveal that it is the highest-rated food stop in Lahaina, and Umeke has won the coveted Platinum SSHAM Can every year of the competition. “I just really like noodles. They’re easy to make and eat,” he says. When asked about his secret for making world-class noodles he answers in typical Uncle Ralph fashion, “It’s very easy. If I make a bowl of food that isn’t delicious, I fix it or throw it out and make a bowl that is delicious.”

His policy of asking tourists to make room for regulars when the shop is busy and asking anyone he deems too loud to leave has won the hearts of many. All new visitors are treated the same inside Hula Noodle, and Umeke has famously asked many high-profile guests to leave for being too disruptive. “Those Manimal people were in here once. That surfing girl and the big guy who drinks too fast. They just wanted to take pictures, so I threw them out,” he says. Ironically, Hula Noodle might not be as widely known as it is now if it weren’t for one person’s memorable visit back in 2031.

Ralph says, “This guy walks in carrying a stack of papers one morning and asks for a breakfast bowl. I gave him his food and he just sits there doing paperwork. Eventually, I told him that unless his momma was going to ground him for not doing his book report he should eat before it got cold. I don’t reheat food. He smiled and thanked me for the advice. Then he asks me what I thought of the new Veilcorp station being built. I said I just make noodles, I’ll leave the extradimensional travel to those guys. As long as tourists pay their bills and are respectful of the place I didn’t care if they arrived by submarine or got pulled out of a magician’s hat. He laughed, said he’d do his best to make sure that the rowdy tourists were screened out, and asked if I knew a good place to buy a submarine. It was the founder of Veilcorp, Eric Oeming.”

Oeming came back every day during the construction of the Veilcorp facility and the two became good friends. The Veilcorp CEO made it a custom to treat any dignitaries or famous visitors with a meal at Hula Noodle. Word spread quickly and soon business was booming. “To be honest it’s a bit too much sometimes,” Umeke says. The shop became a destination for foodies and celebrities alike but much to the delight of his neighbors, Uncle Ralph kept the shop rules the same: make room for locals and keep the noise down to a minimum.

The no-nonsense noodle chef and the brilliant scientist hanging out downtown became a common sight and the unlikely duo amused residents. The shop turned into an unofficial extension of Oeming’s office with many deals being signed over a noodle bowl. A small plaque still hangs over a corner chair that reads: “Eric’s seat”.

Things changed for the friends in 2041 when dozens were killed in an attack at a Velicorp function including Oeming’s wife and daughter. “It was the first time that Hula Noodle was closed for more than a few days,” says Umeke. “It was like I lost part of my own family.” With reporters everywhere on the island, the shop became a sanctuary for Oeming. “I don’t talk about that stuff. If and when Eric does that’s up to him, but he hasn’t so far, so neither am I,” says Ralph when asked about the first few days after the attack.

The pair remain good friends but Oeming’s public appearances have all but stopped in the ensuing years. “We still talk a lot, but he’s a really busy man these days. He knows he always has a seat in the shop, as long as he keeps it down,” says Uncle Ralph with a smile.

The Hula Noodle became a beacon of hope for the rest of Lahaina as well last year after the devastation of hurricane Neki. The fact that the shop made it through the storm unscathed while so many others lost everything was seen as a good omen by many. “It was like a sign that the storm couldn’t break our spirit. Everyone’s love for the Hula Noodle kept it safe, and it was a reminder that we were just bent, not broken,” says Mayor Albert Cravalho.

Umeke says the shop made it through because of the hard work of his neighbors who helped fill sandbags before the storm hit, a little luck, and some upgrades to the building over the years thanks to Veilcorp engineers. “I try to remain humble, but being best friends with a genius billionaire has its benefits.”

Chop House’s Customer Assistant AI a Hit With Tourists

It seems like every business is using AI for customer interactions these days, from the SSHAM customer service hotline, to the automated city hall kiosks, if you need help, chances are you’ll talk to a machine. Now, one recently released AI assistant, from an unlikely business, is stirring things up in Lahaina. I am speaking of course of CRAIG, the Abramo Chop House’s customer appreciation helper. The AI has become a huge success with tourists, and a thorn in the side of many local business owners.

The Customer Resource Artificial Intelligent Guide (CRAIG) app has only been available a few weeks, but has already become hugely popular, particularly with tourists lucky enough to get a reservation at the Abramo Chop House. Accessible only to customers of the restaurant, CRAIG acts as a tour guide and concierge, booking appointments, giving directions and answering questions about Lahaina. However, it’s the way that CRAIG helps, and the AI’s attitude that has many area business owners upset.

“With over 30 years of experience as a business owner, and a seat on the Lahaina City Council, nobody knows Lahaina like Bob Abramo. Nobody until now,” says Brandi Essen, Operations Manager of Abramo Holdings LLC. “CRAIG uses all of Bob’s knowledge of the area to: help answer any questions you have, book tours and shows, and act as a guide to West Maui. Our customer service doesn’t end when you leave one of our tables. We want to help our most loyal customers with day to day tasks, and make sure you have a great time if you’re visiting the island. Using CRAIG is like having a personal hotline to Bob Abramo himself, that is open 24/7 for whatever you need.”

While Ms. Essen and tourists may sing the praises of CRAIG, many local business owners have had a different experience. Many complain that communicating with the AI is an extremely unpleasant experience, and that CRAIG focuses on Abramo businesses and Abramo business partners, almost to the exclusion of all others. Ralph Umeke, owner of the popular Hula Noodle restaurant says, “The damn thing is almost as rude as its bloated creator. It’s to the point where I’ve started to screen tourists for the app, and kick out the ones who have it. I won’t allow that kind of negativity in the shop while people are trying to enjoy their food.”

Several other business owners, who wished to remain anonymous, share a similar view of CRAIG. They say that the AI is overbearing and condescending in its communications, and often lies about the price of merchandise, and operating hours of companies not associated with Mr. Abramo. Numerous complaints have been filed with the Better Business Bureau, and the mayor’s office, but CRAIG opponents say they are not hopeful that anything will change soon.

Leading up to this story, I had my own personal experience when the AI called to “talk over some concerns” it had about me, and this report. CRAIG had compiled a list of every story I had written that had clarifications or corrections, and grilled me about whether or not “the news thing” was really right for me. It had gone through all my social networks, and asked if I was a vegetarian, informing me that it didn’t talk to anyone with “radical or misinformed nutritional beliefs.” In addition, Craig advised me that I shouldn’t wear so many green garments in public, because “green is a terrible color” for a woman of my “age and complexion”.

While it may not be the favorite of the Lahaina business community, and I found the AI to be impolite at the very least, there is no doubt that it has been a hit with tourists. Bret and Spring Casey say they first visited Lahaina last Fall, and had a good time, but this year’s visit has been great thanks to CRAIG. According to Spring,

“CRAIG has been amazing. He told us the location of the nearest public Manimal ATV, and reserved it for us after we were exhausted from a long walk in the preservation zone. It got us upgraded to Splash Row at the Aloha Shores Dolphin Show at no charge, and threatened the kid working the concession booth, after he “accidentally” gave me back the wrong change. We almost called for a Hailoha when we got up the next morning, until CRAIG told us how dangerous they can be, and how poorly vetted their drivers are. CRAIG got so mad when I asked about taking a horseback tour to see the island, that I almost had to shut off the app. Luckily, we took his advice, and booked an afternoon with the Lahaina Zipline Tours instead, narrowly avoiding disaster. I can’t begin to tell you how great CRAIG made our trip. It’s like having a little Big Bob watching out for you, and yelling at anyone who makes a mistake.”

Veilcorp Unveils Plan For Public “Veil Stop” Network In Lahaina

In the past two decades veil technology has changed the face of long distance travel. Veilcorp has made the dream of near instant world transit a reality and dominates the global business and leisure travel market. Now, with a new plan for a public transportation system in Lahiana, the company appears ready to change the way we move locally as well.

A joint project between Veilcorp and the Hawaiian government, the proposed “Veil Stop” network would see the company converting already existing bus stops in Lahaina into a series of small, interconnected veil stations. The plan is backed by Mayor Albert Cravalho who released a statement this morning which reads in part, “We are proud to partner with Veilcorp in this amazing project. The County of Maui has long been a leader in technological adoption and environmental awareness. We look forward to being able to provide tourists and residents alike a safe and easy way to travel across the island, while doing even more to protect our beautiful and delicate natural areas.”

Brie Howard, Veilcorp’s VP of special projects and strategic growth, says that the program will revolutionize local travel and business.

“Without getting into specifics, we’ve made great progress in the past few years reducing the amount of energy required to power our veil technology. We’ve made the process efficient enough, with the same safety features, that our Veil Stop network is now viable. Much of what we need is already included in the bus stops. With a few minor additions and a little new wiring work, we can offer a unique travel experience for visitors who don’t want the hassle of traveling on a bus.”

Even though the buses running in the Lahaina area are completely electric, Howard points out that they still have some environmental impact through maintenance, wear and tear on the road, and a reliance on rare metals for the production of batteries. The Veil Stop network on the other hand, would largely rely on existing infrastructure and the solar production of 127 by the Icarus project for power. According to Howard the system would have virtually no negative impact on the environment. “The best part is that you’ll never have to ride the bus again,” says Howard. “Nothing can ruin a vacation like having to be trapped inside a vehicle with crying babies, inebriated travelers trying to hold it together over the bumps, and lost tourists shouting for the driver to stop every 100 yards.”

Residents and business owners alike have expressed excitement over the project since it’s announcement. One of the most enthusiastic has been Ralph Umeke, the owner and operator of the Lahaina favorite, Hula Noodle. Umeke says the network would be a boon to tourists and residents alike. “The buses run pretty late but there are always people who don’t make the last run for the evening. Usually, it’s people who’ve been enjoying themselves a little bit more than they should. That leaves them few options. Some choose to call Hailoha for a ride, but they are often belligerent. I know quite a few drivers who won’t pick up in certain areas at night, because they don’t want to deal with the hassle or spend hours cleaning up their back seats. Others try to walk back to their hotels but that can be dangerous and they often get lost. The worst are the people who get one of the public Manimal ATVs and somehow work around the breathalyzer interlocks. Anything that can keep those 4-wheeled menaces off the roads and lawns of Lahaina is a long-time coming if you ask me.”

Many residents are as thrilled as Umeke, and the Mayor’s office has been flooded with questions about how many, and which stops would be converted under the plan. Those living in areas where bus service was discontinued due to the expansion of the preservation zone, are especially eager to learn if the network could expand to these old stops as well.

John Driscol, one such resident, says he’d be delighted to see the program expand into the preservation zone.

“They took away all busing in my area 15-years-ago, both public and school routes. Since then, I’ve needlessly spent over 60 hours a year walking my kids to the next closest stop, or in some cases, the school itself. When you do the math, I’ve spent almost 38 days chained to unnecessary parental responsibility since the buses stopped running to our neighborhood. I can’t get those days back, but it’s not too late for other parents who love their leisure time but feel an obligation to ensure their children’s safety as well. I take comfort in knowing that this system has the potential to help new parents who haven’t had to endure what I have. In addition, the fact that I would be able to greatly reduce the amount of steps I’d have to take in a day, gives me hope. Looking at the location of old and existing bus stops, I believe I could reduce the number of steps I take in a busy day to under 2,000, and most days far less. I can’t get those school days back, but I might be able to greatly extend the life of my sandals, and that’s good enough for me.”

DLNR’s New Plan for Invasive Species: Eat the Invaders

The Hawaii Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) has started an innovative and unusual campaign to rid Maui of one of the fastest-growing invasive species, the Red Swamp Crayfish. According to the DLNR, the crayfish eats crops, damages land, kills native species, are easy to catch, and are absolutely delicious. They are counting on the stomachs of hungry Hawaiians to do what years of chemical control efforts couldn’t hold the crustaceans in check.

Like so many of Hawaii’s invasive species, the story of the Red Swamp Crayfish, Procambarus clarkii, is one of unintended consequences. Introduced into taro patches near Ahuimanu Stream in O’ahu, the crayfish population exploded and became a serious threat to taro cultivation. The pests have been documented to consume taro, and rice, prey on insects, snails, and the eggs of native fish species. If that wasn’t bad enough, their burrows can cause bank erosion along streams and rivers, as well as drain taro fields.

With the help of tourists and collectors, the crayfish soon found their way to other islands, Maui in particular. Chemical controls over the past few years have proved ineffective at slowing down the population, and many are concerned about the use of potentially dangerous chemicals inside the preservation zone. After it was discovered that SSHAM affected the crustacean’s nervous system, many local streams were “chummed” with the canned meat product in an attempt to kill them off. However, the practice was stopped out of concerns about the long-term consequences on native species. “To be honest we were running out of ideas,” says the DLNR’s Greg Iona. “It was a trip to Louisiana by one of our officers that sparked the consumption campaign. We’re focused on getting the word out about the crayfish and letting people know that there is a great new seafood option right out their backdoor. They really are easy to catch, and quite delicious when prepared correctly.”

The State’s campaign highlights the abundance of crayfish in many streams around Lahaina and offers an open season on the pests. The DLNR provides cooking and catching tips on their website, as well as information regarding the damage caused by the species every year. Many local businesses are jumping on board, with local eateries offering crayfish dishes, and SSHAM CEO Art Pua’a saying the company plans on offering a clarkii blend within the next month. Nonetheless, not everyone is sold on eating the pests.

Hula Noodle owner Ralph Umeke says the crayfish will never be offered in his noodle shop. “They call them mudbugs for a reason,” he says. According to Umeke the crustaceans are foul-tasting and potentially dangerous.

“They’ve been putting a lot of pressure on restaurant owners to help promote this idea of theirs. They’ve even offered to provide the crayfish for the first few months for free, but I just can’t do it in good conscience. I’m not sure I have the words to describe what one of these things taste like. They’re awful. There isn’t enough garlic, butter, or rum in the world to make them edible. Imagine finding a pool that hasn’t been cared for in a couple years, drain it and wipe up the scum on the bottom with a piece of bread, that’s close. The first one I tried made me retch. Not only do they taste bad, but they are potentially dangerous. After doing a little research, I found that they have a propensity to accumulate environmental contaminants like: heavy metals, dangerous organic runoff compounds, and pesticides. They can also be vectors for several harmful human parasites including: the lung fluke, rat lungworm, and leptospirosis bacteria. I think trapping them is fine, but I wouldn’t put one in my mouth.”

The DLNR says that like many animals, crayfish living in polluted waters can be dangerous, but the water quality on the island makes them safe to eat. Despite what Umeke may think, they encourage the public to give the crayfish a try. Many are doing just that. Over the past weeks, crayfish fever has hit the island, and many businesses are cashing in. The Kokua Wellness Center is touting a line of crayfish-infused tonics and fresh fruit drinks.

Spokesperson Yvonne Masters says, “We are excited to offer a large variety of clarkii collagen infused health drinks. These natural healing tonics are perfect for: weight loss, boosting immunity, increasing bone density, and enhancing the skin. We use only local crayfish, blend them onsite, and extract the collagen fresh every day to maximize flavor and potency. We are recommending the drinks to our clients as a supportive health aid, to be used in conjunction with their usual Newuskin treatments.”

Rather than consumption, local inventor Ano Lee is focusing on catching the crayfish. Even though Lee himself recently battled a life-threatening leptospirosis infection, one of the pathogens found in the species, he says he is excited about the open season and has designed a unique trap perfect for catching buckets full.

“The pyramid-style trap, with three entrance funnels has been the industry standard for a long time because it is nearly perfect for its intended purpose. My design is similar, with adjustable funnels so it can be used on a variety of crustaceans including crabs, and spiny lobster, but that isn’t what sets my traps apart. It’s the sonic lure, that makes the difference with our traps. Most crustacean fishing is passive with scent lures designed to draw in your intended targets, but my traps send out a continuous low frequency pulse that calls out to the crayfish, and draws them in. I’m not sure if it’s an aggression or a sex thing, but they sure come running when they hear the noise.”

Lee disregards complaints that the sound produced by his traps has caused pets to become agitated, and reports that they have led to insomnia, unusual dreams, and ringing in the ears in people living near an active trap. He says, “It’s springtime and it’s only natural that animals are going to be more vocal at this time of year. The same goes for people. Sometimes you have weird dreams and can’t sleep. It happens to everyone. It happens to me all the time. I would suggest that these people get some noise-canceling headphones if it bothers them that much, and look up some crayfish recipes because they are going to catch a ton with my traps.”

Trapped Children Credit Quick thinking and Doughnuts for Survival

The saga of 4 Lahaina children trapped inside a barrier wall came to an end today, when rescuers were able to safely remove them from the cavity that they had been huddled in for almost a week. Officials say that the construction drones that were building the wall failed to recognize that the children were inside the foundation trench when they began to pour concrete. Miraculously, none of the children were seriously injured, and all are expected to make a full recovery. The kids credit their survival with the quick thinking of one and freshly made doughnuts every night for keeping their spirits up.

June 10th was like any other typical summer day in Lahaina. In every neighborhood kids were outside playing ball or trying to beat the heat by walking down to the beach or jumping through a sprinkler. Tanager Lane was no different. 4 long-time friends, 10-year-old Brandon Stonegate, 11-year-old Landon Morrow, 10-year-old Greg Pio, and 9-year-old Tammy Laiwi, were playing in Brandon’s backyard, when the ball they were kicking around found it’s way into the trench dug for the barrier wall. The kids knew that construction on the controversial wall was supposed to continue that day, but assumed it would be safe for them to quickly retrieve the ball. They were wrong.

The wall around Tanager Lane had been a hot button topic for months. Opponents argued that it sent the wrong message to tourists and would become an eyesore. However, Preservation Zone Compliance Liaison to the Mayor’s Office Elizabeth Stonegate had been pushing the project, claiming that it was needed to help protect both the neighborhood and the surrounding protected areas. Stonegate said that the wall would “enshrine” the neighborhood and highlight Tanager Lane as an example of an area that had “reached 100% compliance with all preservation zone regulations”.
Stonegate’s plan included using the neighborhood’s maintenance drones to construct the wall in order to save money and keep heavy construction equipment from driving through the area. Many had concerns about turning over such a large project to the automated building-bots including their creator, Ano Lee. “I told Elizabeth that they still had some trouble recognizing objects that should be avoided and people when engaged in large projects, but she wanted to push ahead with the wall anyway,” he says. It now appears that Lee’s concerns were right.

Tammy and Greg were the first to jump in the trench to navigate the maze of rebar to get their ball. According to the friends, the drones showed up almost immediately, and they knew that they were in trouble. “They started to install big panels of wood. I had watched my uncle pour concrete before and knew that they were molds. They didn’t stop when they got by Tammy so Landon and I jumped in to pull them out, but the drones were working so fast that it was too late,” said Brandon. According to the children it was Brandon’s quick thinking and another drone malfunction that saved their lives.
One of the wooden panels was installed at an angle and broken. This left just enough space between the mold and the earthen wall for the children to take shelter as the concrete began to fill the trench. Brandon sealed the space as well as he could with a piece of the broken mold. It would be almost a week before any of them would be reunited with their families.

At first, nobody knew where the children were. Officials had been searching the surrounding forests for over a day before someone finally heard the children’s shouts for help. Worried about the structural integrity of the wall, first responders called in engineers to assess the situation. The tiny air hole the children had relied on was widened and people from around the island gathered to provide what help they could, including Hula Noodle owner Ralph Umeke with his “Mobile Malasada” truck. Along with some bottles of Manimal, some of “Uncle” Ralph’s malasadas were the first food to be lowered down to the children and they credit the deep fried treats with keeping their spirits up. The children remained trapped for another 3 days before engineers could safely pull them free this morning.

Brandon’s mother Elizabeth says she’s thrilled and relieved that the children are safe and healthy and says she and her family just wants to move forward and “let things get back to normal.” She adds, “Having something happen like this makes you think about what’s really important. You are only given one chance and one body to get through life, so it’s important to treat yourself with respect. When I see what these kids eat every day…well it’s no wonder they couldn’t climb out of that trench in time and my son had to risk his life to save them. Hopefully, these families will start taking nutrition a little more seriously. They won’t always have a Stonegate around to help them.”

For his part, Brandon says that he has no regrets about risking his life to protect his friends and says they have never been closer. He says he learned a lot through the ordeal, and his love of Portuguese confections is at the top of the list.

“We’re not allowed to eat that kind of stuff at home. I had no idea that something could be so delicious. Towards the end we were all getting pretty scared and worried that they wouldn’t be able to get us out before something bad happened. Just making it to the evening when the malasada truck got there helped us all. No matter how bad it got down there we knew we’d get warm doughnuts in the evening. I had to get trapped for 5 days in a cramped, hot, dirty hole with my friends to discover those malasadas. I think it was worth it.”

Noodle shop teaches kids that recycling can be fun

Over the past 18 years Hula Noodle has grown from a favorite eatery for the locals to a Lahaina tourist destination. Run by Ralph Umeke, (Uncle Ralph to Lahaina residents), the shop is well known as being one of the best places around to grab a delicious bowl of food and catch up on the local news. Now thanks to a donation from Reality Machine, the Maui landmark is becoming a place where kids can learn the importance of recycling, and have fun doing it.

Umeke never dreamed that his small noodle shop would become a place where kids and tourists alike could learn about the science of recycling, but then again he never thought he’d be famous. When he built the restaurant he had one thing in mind, “making a place where you could grab a warm bowl of food before work, or after a long day surfing, without a lot of fuss or people bothering you.” Everything changed when a brilliant young scientists named Eric Oeming moved to Lahaina and walked through Hula Noodles’ front door.

Despite being known for his gruff exterior and his wariness of tourists, Umeke declared Oeming a “local who just happened to be born somewhere else.” The pair became, and still are, very close friends. Soon Uncle Ralph’s quite local noodle shop turned into a favorite for hundreds of Veilcorp employees and a stop for any company VIPs. Hula Noodle became a hotspot for tourists trying to get a glimpse of the rich and famous, or Oeming himself. The rest, as they say, is history.

The recycling program began like so many things do at Hula Noodle, with Uncle Ralph’s vocal consternation. The issue that was troubling him this time was the amount of wasted food he was throwing away on a daily basis, and he let everyone know it. Bill Stewart, lead designer at Reality Machine, happened to be in the shop at the time and went back to talk to his team. “It was a no brainer,” Bill says. “We all love Hula Noodle and agreed that donating a RMIII to the shop would be a great idea. Having a place where thousands could see one of our machines working up close would be great for business, and we could show Ralph how to break down whatever customers left behind, instead of just throwing it away. I’d be lying if I said that we didn’t also have a laugh about what he’d throw in the recycling drawer when he got upset. We joked that we’d probably have to go down there one day to clear out a rude tourist who was jammed in the machine.”

A week later a working RMIII was up and running inside the shop. “I let my nephew dump the first half-eaten bowl of pho in the machine. He told some of his friends, and by the weekend I had a dozen kids asking if they could help me clean up,” Umeke says. A month later, what started as a novel way for Ralph to get rid of unwanted food and a fun exercise for a few local kids, has expanded into an educational program teaching the importance of recycling.

Umeke and another local business owner, Ano Lee, have partnered to create a unique recycling program many want to expand to other areas. Kids can use Umeke’s machine to recycle trash they’ve found along the beach and in the preservation zone and can deposit the raw materials in a special “Builder Bank” at Lee’s maker commune. “We have a big list of recipes for various things we thought the kids would like,” says Lee. Ranging from backpacks, to various toys and sporting equipment, or even fluorescent shoes, once a child has all the ingredients they need, Lee will demonstrate how it’s made and hand it over as a reward.

“I donate the CHON we get from all the excess food to local farms to use as feed of fertilizer,” says Umeke. “I have to admit that I have almost as much fun as the kids watching something get broken down into it’s core components. The kid’s love it and I’m proud of what Ano and I have come up with. I understand that we’re not going to change the world, but we’re definitely making our little part of it better. I think that’s all you can hope for. With all the tragedy​ in Lahaina over the past few years and Stonegate’s trainwreck she called the visitor restriction program, we could all use a story that we could feel good about. That’s what this is. A chance for all of us to come together and feel some pride in this jewel we call Lahaina and keep it sparkling.”

However, not everyone is sold. Preservation Zone Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate has been a vocal critic of the program. “I rarely have the pleasure of eating at Hula Noodle myself, as I prefer a more spacious dining area and try to avoid people attempting to fight off a weekday hangover with a bowl of noodles. Nonetheless, I am concerned about any establishment that serves food a few feet away from a glorified garbage machine. I’m not sure I understand how the authorities have allowed this to go on for so long. Throngs of kids are breaking the rules daily by going off clearly marked trails to grab bits of trash and plastic bottles. Instead of punishing them and teaching them how vital it is that we all follow the rules, we are rewarding them with cheap plastic toys. I would be mortified if my children were out in public carrying around bags of other people’s garbage. As a society we pay people who have no other options to do that kind of work. We shouldn’t be encouraging our kids to do it.”