STORYLINE

The Lost Submarines of Simon Kai

Living on an island and being so connected to the water, it is no surprise that so many Kanaka legends focus on boats and the sea. We are taught how to read the currents and how to follow the seabirds to find land at an early age. Every young Kanaka knows the story of the great fisherman Lawai’a. We learn why we should avoid the Eldridge, resting on its mountain perch with her ghostly crew, cursed to never sail again. One legend however has a special place in the hearts of all adventurous Kanaka children and has been the bane of many concerned mothers. It is the story of the lost submarines of Simon Kai.

It was once said that the difference between a child and an adult was the price of their toys, and so it was with Simon Kai. Before the fracture, those of great wealth would spend exorbitant amounts on boats, cars, and homes, but some preferred something more unique. Kai collected anything related to ocean exploration and his warehouses on Lanai were bursting with: cameras, specially made diving equipment, and automated deep-sea rovers, but submarines were his passion.

A man of great means, Kai’s submarine collection was impressive indeed with examples from many different eras. His estate resembled a maritime museum more than a home. Although many would consider him eccentric, he was a very popular figure on the island. He would give tours of his collection to tourists or anyone who seemed interested. His pride and joy was a 60-foot long luxury sub he called the Kanaloa, named after the Hawaiian god of the ocean. Being a personal friend of Eric Oeming, the creator of the veil, it was not unusual for Kai to ferry Veilcorp guests around in his ship. But the Earth didn’t care about money or status on the day of the great accident. Three days after the fracture, a giant flood hit Lanai and delivered at least one of his submarines to Lahaina.

According to the stories, one found its way to Kalani beach and was discovered by a group of Veilcorp scientists who began repairing the beached metal beast. It took months for them to seal the cracks in the hull and to rebuild the broken propeller. Unfortunately for them, others had been watching their efforts as well.

The Tappers came early, shrouded in the morning mist. Most of the scientists never made it inside, and those that did were not spared. The submarine now rests just offshore, buried in the reef. Some say that the Tappers use it as an underwater cache and have dug a tunnel that connects to the bottom of the boat. Others believe the ship contains only the skeletons of scientists and whatever secrets and hopes they held.

It was 20 years before another one of Kai’s subs was discovered. A group of Kanaka fishermen found the great yellow machine tangled in their nets one morning and paddled it to their village. They named it Hilina’i after the whale in the story of Lawai’a. Even though we Kanaka do not revere technology in the same way the Thrivers do, the usefulness of a working submarine was apparent. For years the Hilina’i could be seen cruising off the coast helping fisherman and rescuing those in bad weather. When Chief Ikaika began his campaign against the horrors born of the fracture, the Hilina’i joined the cause.

Those who were at the Battle of Black Rock Beach, say that when the ship rose from the water like some great avenging spirit, adorned with the markings of war, it broke the morale of the enemy and they fled. Unfortunately for the Hilina’i, the Kanaka embrace celebration with the same vigor as they do battle. The ship survived the great accident, 40-years adrift around the islands, and a year-long war, but it could not survive the carelessness of an overindulged crew. The sub sank on its way back home and still remains visible to all as a reminder to always remain vigilant, especially after a victory.

Rumors persist that more of Kai’s submarines lay hidden, waiting to be discovered. It is common for groups of Kanaka children to walk the beaches and explore hidden coves in the hopes of finding one of the lost ships. Some even say that Kai himself survived the fracture and the lights sometimes seen in the bay are him traveling in the Kanaloa searching for the rest of his fleet. Most laugh at such an idea, but in the past people also laughed at the idea of boats that could navigate underwater and being able to travel across the world in the blink of an eye. The world has seen many wonders before and it will see wonders again. The lost submarines of Simon Kai remain one of the most beloved Kanaka legends and have led many to wonder about their fate.

Bruddah Lee

Kanaka Historian

STORYLINE

How The Augustinian Cliffs Got Their Name

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The Kanaka have many sacred areas and revered places on the island, but a few stand out from the others. The Augustinian Cliffs are one such place. Sitting in the shadow of the great peak Pu’u Kukui and overlooking the vital Kahoma stream, the cliffs are a place where one can beseech the spirits of the island for protection and the ancestors for guidance. Although it was once a Thriver outpost, it is now considered a cherished Kanaka site, and a place where you can remember the power of bravery and belief.

Augustin never dreamed of being a leader, but the fracture allowed many to find their true purpose. Before Veilcorp tore the world apart, he taught the ancient Hawaiian martial art of Kapu Kuialua in his dojo on the beach. While countless screamed and ran in terror, he remained calm and gathered those that needed shelter inside until the earth stopped shaking, and the orange rain ended.

The world that was born from the fracture was a much harder one than before, with little mercy for the weak. Augustin took in as many Kanaka as he could, but soon realized that unless they had the tools to survive, he was not truly saving them. However, there were so many that he couldn’t possibly teach them all by himself. It was then that he picked his 9 best students, including his daughter Anakalia, and made them his Kumu, each a master in an aspect of Ku’ialua. With his 9 trusted Kumu at his side he could teach the people to protect themselves quickly, and the Kanaka had a chance.

The people learned how to break bones, strike with purpose, and bend vulnerable joints. No longer prey for the wolves, bandits, and the terrors of the forest, the Kanaka began to reclaim their rightful place on the island. Word spread quickly of the teachings of Augustin and his 9 Kumu. Soon, Kanaka from across the island traveled to his dojo to learn how to protect themselves and their people. One young man caught the eye of Augustin, a gangly young son of a fisherman named Ikaika.

The boy became his star pupil. He was not the most talented physically but what he lacked in body he made up for in heart and spirit. By the end of the first year he challenged and defeated his first Kumu, and eventually proved his prowess against all the masters, even Augustin. Fifteen years after arriving at the dojo, the great chief Ikaika began to rally other Kanka to sweep the island clean of the terrors of the fracture. He eventually cleared the menehune from Front street, drove the green ladies North, and aligned with the Thrivers of Pu’u to meet the vast night marcher horde at Black Rock Beach.

The outcome of the battle was not certain. Ikaika took virtually all the able-bodied with him North, leaving many Kanaka under the watchful eye of the aging Augustin and his Kumu. The Thrivers sent the old and infirm, as well as their children, to a stronghold in the mountains for their safety, but instead of protecting their weak, they had served them on a platter. A group of night marchers heading to Black Rock Beach had noticed the vulnerable Thrivers high on the mountain, and discovered the single trail leading to the outpost.

The walls kept the initial wave from getting inside but it soon became apparent that the meager defenses would not hold, and with only one trail up or down, there was no escape. 3 runners were dispatched, and one eventually made it through the throngs of claws and teeth, all the way to the dojo for help. She was heartbroken when she found that only a handful of Koa and the old Kapu Kuialua masters were left behind. She was busy trying to convince one of the young warriors to send for help when Augustin stopped her. Laden with as much rope as they could carry, he vowed that he and his 9 Kumu would save her people.

Knowing that the single trail going up would be their doom, Augustin and the masters began to climb the cliffs, fixing anchor points and securing lines as they went. Hands hardened by years of discipline and practice, now quickly found purchase in the cracks of the rock face. The group climbed over 1,500 feet as fast as most could walk. When they crested the top they could see that they were probably too late.

The walls burst in and the night marchers howled. Without hesitation the Kumu surged forward. Where stone and wood had given way, the screaming horde found a new wall of hardened fists, clubs, and expertly placed blows. So ferocious was their attack that the night marchers withdrew for a moment to assess their new foes. This was all the time Augustin and Anakalia needed. Together they began to usher down those who could climb the ropes, and began lowering down those who couldn’t.

Sensing the Thrivers escape, the creatures rushed forward again. The Kumu fought valiantly for as long as they could, but they were too few to fight off the hundreds of night marchers. Eventually only Augustin and Anakalia were left. The Thrivers say that they were covered with the creatures when they lowered the last survivors down, but did not stop to fight back until they were sure that the Thrivers were safe.

When Chief Ikaika returned and heard the story he went to the outpost himself to look for his old teacher. However, Augustin, Anakalia, and the other Kumu were never found. Some say their bravery and prowess helped remind the night marchers of their true purpose, protecting the Kanaka and their great chiefs. It is rumored that Augustin and his 9 Kumu still guard the cliffs from those who would harm the island and its people. Whatever the truth, the Thrivers agreed to respect the warriors by never using the outpost again, and the area has been known as the Augustinian Cliffs ever since. It remains one of our most sacred and beloved places.

STORYLINE

Lilinoe and Clever Kopono

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The Kānaka’s relationship with technology is a complex one. While they accept the need for science and machinery, most consider the fracture to be a direct result of an unhealthy obsession with them. Add to this the fact that the accident caused severe deformities in many Kānaka which makes working on fine components difficult, and it is no wonder why their heroes don’t interact with technology. Clever Kopono is the rare exception. There are many stories about the resourceful young man and his backpack, but the most well known is about his adoptive mother, Lilinoe.

Lilinoe was a widow and sickness had claimed her children. She was the poorest woman in the poorest village on the island. Her back ached when she walked and she had lost most of her teeth years ago, but she was always caring to others. She would gladly share what she had, which was almost nothing, with anyone in need.

One day while she was searching for a crab to add to her onion water she heard a noise from behind a rock. Slowly Lilinoe hobbled over to investigate and saw that it was a crying boy. The wretch was soaking wet and shivering. A dirty backpack was stretched over an enormous hump on his back. It looked as if the poor boy hadn’t eaten in a week. Lilinoe took off her tattered cloak and wrapped the boy up. She walked him over to the soft sand and asked if he was alright.

The boy said his name was Kopono and that he was an orphan. He told Lilinoe that he had been wandering for weeks and just wanted a place to stay for the night to dry off. The old woman agreed right away. It wasn’t much, but he was welcome to stay in her children’s old room and share as much of her onion water as he could stomach.

One night stretched into two, then three. Lilinoe began to care deeply for the odd little boy who never seemed to let the backpack out of his sight. She asked him if he would like to stay with her permanently and make the village his home. “You won’t have to carry around that backpack anymore, you can leave it in your room,” she said. The boy began to cry and gave Lilinoe a hug. He said he would be proud to call her mom and leave his bag in his room if she promised to never ask what was in it and always knock before she came in. It seemed a strange request but this was a strange little boy, so she agreed.

Kopono began to settle into life in the village. He wasn’t very strong or especially quick. His back kept him from being a good hunter, but he was very smart. He knew a better way to make fish traps and a way to grow plants in balls of moss without soil. Soon Lilinoe had something to add to her soup besides onions, and everyone in the village began calling the boy clever Kopono.

After living with the boy for almost a year, Lilinoe began to hear strange noises coming from Kopono’s room. She would knock and ask if the boy was alright to which he would always reply that he was. He would tell her that he was working on projects with his helpers. She thought he was a little too old for imaginary friends but he didn’t think like anyone she had ever met, so she didn’t let it concern her. Then one morning she heard a different noise. One that excited her.

She could hardly believe her ears at first. She held her breath to hear it more clearly. When Kopono’s door opened the boy was holding her old music box and it was working again. She had no idea where her husband had scavenged it, but he had given it to her on her wedding day. She took the box and stared at it in disbelief. “How did you fix this,” she asked through the tears rolling down her face. “My helpers showed me how to make it work,” he answered. Two hours later a line had formed outside of the house with villagers hoping to have their broken items fixed.

Clever Kopono fixed fans, handheld games, and a pile of other electronics over the next few weeks and word of his abilities began to spread. Usually the Kānaka need to go to the Thrivers to get things fixed and that can be dangerous and expensive. Having one of their people who could repair things was a blessing. Before the month was up everything was working in the village again, including the generator. The village began to grow thanks to clever Kopono.

Word spread far and wide about the clever little boy until one day Chief Ikaika himself appeared in the village. He had heard about the strange little boy and wanted to see for himself if the stories were true. The chief was in the middle of his campaign to clear this part of the island of all the dangers to the Kānaka. One of the drones he was using to keep track of his enemies movements had broken, and he didn’t want to pay the people on the hill to fix it. He asked Kopono if the boy could rebuild it. “I’m sure I can, give me 2 days,” Kopono answered.

The chief agreed and promised to have some more land cleared for farming, and 3 new fishing canoes for the village if his drone got fixed. In addition, he would take Lilinoe as one of his private cooks. She would never want for anything again in her life. With a look of determination, Kopono took the drone into his room and shut the door. The chief left and the village waited.

After not coming out at all the first day people began to worry. Lilinoe knocked and asked if she could help. “No, don’t come in here. My helpers and I will have it fixed in time. Don’t worry,” clever Kopono answered. The tension around the village was almost unbearable by that evening. “Why did we agree to let an orphan boy hold our fate. Everyone knows he’s sick in the head,” shouted a man. “You need to make him let you in there so we know if we should leave before the chief comes back. He’s sure to be angry and punish us if his machine doesn’t work,” added a neighbor. Lilinoe didn’t know what to do. She loved and trusted Kopono but the villagers did have a point.

With only a few hours left until dawn the pressure was too much for her. Lilinoe quietly opened the door and went inside. She saw the little boy sitting with his back to her illuminated by an electric lamp. His backpack was open on the floor next to him and he was surrounded by screws, pins, and a variety of machine parts. The drone was almost completely rebuilt in front of him, and covered in rats poking out here and there. She let out a gasp and one of the rats stood on its hind legs looking at her. Clever Kopono spun around and stared at Lilinoe in shock. The rats all ran into his backpack.
He began to cry and started to attach the last piece of the drone. “You promised that you would always knock before you came in,” he said. Lilinoe asked him what the rats were doing and if he was alright. “I told you, they’re my helpers and no. I’m not alright,” he answered. He turned the last screw and stood up, slinging his backpack over his shoulder. “The drone is done. I want you to know that I will always carry you in my heart, but you broke your promise so I must go.” Before the sun rose, clever Kopono was gone.

The drone worked like it was new and Ikaika kept his promise. The village prospered and Lilinoe was never hungry again. When people asked where clever Kopono had gone she told them that the Thrivers had let him attend one of their schools which seemed like a fitting lie to her. She never told anyone what she saw that night, but would often sit on the rocks where she had found him that day. She would listen to the music box and the waves. The rest of her life Lilinoe wondered what happened to her clever Kopono and wished that she had trusted him.

STORYLINE

How The Mission Became a Sanctuary for All After the Fracture

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There are a number of buildings that survived the great accident. The comm tower, the veil station, and the power plant all offer those who survived a reminder of how the world once was. None of them are held as dear as The Mission, however. Once a place of quiet contemplation, The Mission was vital in the battles that drove most of the horrors out of this part of the island. In the years since the fracture, it has served as a sanctuary for those in need, a place of healing, and a symbol of what can be accomplished when we work together.

Known as Maluhia or The Place of Peace to the Kānaka, The Mission offered seekers of serenity and knowledge a refuge before the Fracture. It was only natural that survivors sought shelter and safety there. For many years Maluhia served as a place of healing for the people. There the greatest Kānaka herbalists and healers practiced their craft. Whether it be a fever, a broken bone, or something more serious, you could find relief at The Mission. Countless lives were saved there, and not just those of the Kānaka.

The Place of Peace was open to all who needed help and served as an embassy of sorts. When one of the many veil storms threw the great cruise ship against the rocks, the survivors sought refuge there. They traded books, their knowledge, and their stories for food and shelter. Eventually, they formed a school and taught many of our children the power of words and ideas. A group of them reside there still today. While we all seek peace, it is sometimes hard to secure and the island was becoming more dangerous.

The horrors born from the explosion were gaining strength and growing quickly. Night Marchers and Trophy Hunters prowled the trails, the Menehune scurried through the rubble, and the Green Ladies haunted the forests, hungry for blood. The people feared leaving the safety of the village, and they were losing hope. It was then that the great chief Ikaika began to gather the people to fight back. He gathered a great number of Kānaka warriors to battle against the creatures. He formed an alliance with the Thrivers on the hill and the people to the North. Together, the army of Ikaika cleared much of the island and made its way to Black Rock Beach.

The fighting there was terrible and lasted for days. Hundreds lost their lives, and so many were injured that The Mission was overflowing. It was then that Ikaika decided to turn away all who were not Kānaka. Many Kānaka survived that day because of that decision, but as the people were treated, we watched the bodies of our allies pile up outside. Eventually, the Thriver’s commander Colonel Kaua arrived and demanded we treat his people. With his elite band of Koa behind him, Ikaka thanked the Colonel for his bravery but said there were too many injured Kānaka to worry about the lives of Thrivers. He told Kaua to take his wounded and go in peace. The Thrivers were angry.

While most of the monsters had been eradicated, tensions between the people and the other groups on the island grew. The Thrivers refused to trade. Soon there was no ammunition, and when machines broke there were no replacement parts. The people of the North would no longer exchange food for medicines and nets. It wasn’t long before the first skirmish broke out and a scout returned to the Mission with a Thriver bullet in his shoulder. Ikaika may have cleansed the island of the evil the Fracture had spawned but he had made new enemies. The Kānaka could now walk the roads without worrying about Night Marchers, but we walked them alone.

The people began to worry. We had beat back the hordes only with the help of those we had turned our backs on. If the creatures grew in strength again would we be able to fight them off alone? The future seemed uncertain and dangerous, but Ikaika was given a second chance.

The colonel arrived at the mission one day flanked with a large group of Thriver soldiers. At first, the people thought they had come to attack and Kānaka warriors filled the courtyard with spear and koa axe in hand. It was then that the people saw the colonel was holding his son in his arms. The boy had been attacked by Trophy Collectors while on a scouting run and his blood was now tainted with their disease. They had tried for days to cleanse him of the poison but he continued to get worse.

Ikaka listened to Kaua’s story and stopped him before he could finish his plea. He said, “Of course we will do what we can for someone as brave as your son. Sometimes the hardest battle for warriors such as us is learning to live in peace. I made an enemy when I didn’t need to. I beg that you forgive me for my decision to turn you away. From this day forward The Mission will be open to all who need sanctuary or healing. This will be a place of peace for us all.”

And so it has been since that day. Kaua’s son was saved and teaches those interested in learning the way of the warrior near Pu’u. The descendants of the cruise ship survivors have come back and all are now welcome as the great chief promised. I spend my days telling our stories and teaching the lessons of our history, ensuring that we never forget the power of peace and cooperation.

Bruddah Lee
Kanaka Historian

STORYLINE

The Lahaina Lava Sledding Championships

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The Lahaina Merchants Association would like to invite you to the most exciting sporting event on the island, the 46th annual Lahaina Lava Sled Championships. Teams from all over the island compete each year to claim the Ikaika cup, but this year is special. Two local teams will be vying for glory and bragging rights. In two short weeks the Pu’u Blue Wolves will take on the Ka’anapali Screaming Nenes to see who is the fastest downhill.

As you all know lava sledding, or as the Kānaka say He’e hōlua, is an ancient sport well over 1,000 years old. The activity was seen as both a sport and a religious rite by early Hawaiians. With courses ranging greatly in size from a few hundred yards to miles, the practice was as popular as surfing when it was begun. Over the years it’s popularity grew and waned with cultural changes. A resurgence began in the early 2000’s and like most things, the activity was almost lost after the fracture.

Little has changed with the sport since its inception. Participants build a sled, or papa hōlua, and ride it down a prepared track. Traditionally, these sleds were 12’ long, 6 inches wide and made of wood. Riders would hold the sleds in front of them and run towards a specially prepared racing path. The tracks were composed of a foundation of gravel covered in sand or dirt with a top layer of grass or flowers. Racers would throw down the sleds at the beginning of the course, and ride them standing, crouching, or more commonly laying down, all the way to the bottom.

The modern unified rules allow sleds to be made of any material, although wood remains a popular choice. Sleds can be a bit longer as well, 14’ is now the maximum length, although a 6 inch width is still mandatory. The tracks and riding styles have remained the same through the years. Traditionally the length of a sledder’s run was measured to determine a winner, but since it’s been converted to a team sport, runs are timed. The team with the cumulative fastest 10 runs wins the day.

Like many things, we have Chief Ikaika to thank for the resurgence in popularity of the sport. After his successful campaign at Black Rock Beach, Ikaika used the traditional sport to keep ties strong between factions on the island. We think he’d be especially proud this year, as a classic match-up between power and finesse is sure to make for a memorable day.

The Pu’u Blue Wolves are back with a vengeance this year, hungry to once again display the Ikaika cup. Like their four-legged namesakes, the Blue Wolves rely on consistent speed and maneuverability to take out their opponents. Their fiberglass sled, and crouching riding style let them take curves at top speed and glide over any dips or irregularities in the course. The Blue Wolves are hungry, but the Nenes from Ka’anapali say their bark is worse than their bite.

The Screaming Nenes came out of nowhere this year to crush the competition. Highlighted by their thrashing of perennial favorites, the Luakoi Ridge Riders, the Nene’s have changed many minds about about what it takes to be a successful lava sled team. Focusing on traditional methods and materials, Ka’anapali has claimed many records and titles with their amazing run this season. They’ve managed to break the 100 km/h barrier a handful of times on their wooden sled this year. Retired sledding legend Rocky “Downhill” Hookeai says that the Nene riders are the quickest he’s ever seen adding, “They’re faster than a night marcher who stumbled into a Tapper camp.”

The Lahaina Championships are always an incredible event, but it is undeniable that this year may be one of the most exciting ever! Will raw power and speed beat finesse and skillful riding? Find out for yourself by being part of the story instead of just hearing about it the next day. A limited number of track-side seats are still available for 50 rai a piece, general admission tickets are 20. When your friends ask where you were on the day the greatest sporting event in history was held, tell them “I was 20’ away!”

STORYLINE

Sergeant Kaua’s War Academy Announces Youth Program

For years you’ve known Sgt. Kaua’s War Academy as the premier hand-to-hand combat academy and school of battle on the island. The academy has deep roots and a long history. Colonel Kaua fought alongside the legendary Kānaka chief Ikaika at the battle of Black Reach Beach, helping to make the island safer. Sergeant Kaua took a lifetime of his father’s battle philosophy and training to develop a system of combat that is unparalleled in its effectiveness. Now, he’s ready to pass on that knowledge to the next generation. For the first time ever, the War Academy will be accepting a limited number of child students.

Most combat and self-defense programs concentrate on the rigorous drilling of moves to perfect technique and complete focus, but not the total battle system. Without the unnecessary shackles of discipline holding your young one down, he or she will be able to grow into the perfect instrument of slaughter that you always knew they could be. Your child will not only be able to protect themselves and those around them, they will gain the confidence and know-how to charge heedlessly into their enemies and send them running.

“My father knew that the problem with plans is that they could always go wrong. Battle is a messy game and the rules are always changing. Without relying on tactics, I’ll teach your child the power of mindless battle. The shark isn’t the king of the reef because of its carefully thought-out stratagems and complex contingency plans. It bites and it bites in a frenzy. I’ll help your child roll back their eyes and channel their inner shark.”

The Sgt. will help your child unleash their personal volcano, and allow their vengeance to erupt on the battlefield. Our system will pinpoint the fury hiding deep within their psyche and teach them to harness it. Do you make them go to bed earlier than they like? Do they have a sibling that is constantly teasing them, or breaking their things? Maybe they have an unusual physical trait that other children make fun of. All of these can be harvested and transformed into a dish best served cold. The Sgt. has a way of helping you recognize things that you didn’t even know made you angry and amplifying them into a blackout rage. It’s hard for your enemies to foil your plan if you don’t have one. When obliterating the enemy is your only job you can get a lot of work done.

While we believe the cornerstone of any good instrument of war is the correct attitude, we also recognize that it is important to learn a few more practical skills as well. We will train them in the ancient Hawaiian art of Lua. Your offspring will learn to stop opponents by breaking bones, using pressure points, and more. We teach our students to be proficient in all three major weapons: pololu, newa, and koa axe. Guns jam and rust. Ammunition is expensive and untrustworthy. At the War Academy, we believe in getting our hands dirty. Your youngster will learn all three standard pololu thrusts deemed most effective in real-life combat situations. Their enemies won’t be able to do much when they’re spiked to the ground. If they can break a coconut they’ve got all the strength they need to harness the lessons learned in our advanced newa techniques. You’ll have a hard time telling if all that blood is theirs, or their partner’s when they begin the Sergeant’s patented koa axe dance. They’ll be chopping their way to victory in no time thanks to the Academy.

We strive to keep things simple, effective, and realistic to best simulate real-life situations. As such, there will be times that your child won’t have a standard weapon within hands reach so we believe in a rich improvised weapons curriculum. “Most people don’t realize that the average child’s bedroom contains at least 11 ways to die. Whether it be a pillowcase full of batteries, a well-placed spray of Manimal to the eyes, or the corner of a block to the temple, I’ll teach your kid how to shut down a threat in seconds and get back to their coloring.”

Iron sharpens iron and there’s no bigger piece of iron on the island than Sgt. Kaua. His father was a hero, and his campaigns have made him a modern-day legend. With years of warfare under his bloody belt, who better to teach your children the skills necessary to turn them into tiny terrors. Help us help them learn the lessons they need to survive. The world is a dangerous place. Let’s make your kids dangerous too. You owe it to them!

A limited number of slots are available, so hurry! Tryouts begin at midday tomorrow at the Duracave bunker outside of Pu`u village. Please have them bring a short essay (~500 words) describing why they would make a good herald of carnage and what battle means to them. We’ll assess your children’s physical skills, potential, and temperament. We’ll post our acceptance list, and contact you with scholarship options by the end of the week.

STORYLINE

Chief Ikaika’s Speech before the battle of Black Rock Beach

For a thousand years our people lived in harmony with the island and the spirits. We drank from her waters, ate the fish in the sea, and grew plants in her soil. But we started to turn our backs on the island and ignore her laws. She was disappointed and warned us but we wouldn’t listen. Then we broke a rule too large for her to ignore. We decided her fundamental laws did not matter when we started using the Veil, and she had no choice but to discipline us.

She cleansed the island by turning the symbol of our arrogance against us. The explosions leveled many structures and the radiation killed thousands in town as well as many of her lesser children in the jungle. But we are the Kānaka, and we understand that we must atone for breaking her rules. She chose to spare us and test our hearts. We are strong. Our bodies could take the scars and the warping that she had punished us with. Our hearts stayed filled with love for the island and her wisdom. Some were not powerful enough to survive her twisting, and their bodies broke. The mutants and their kind let fear and hate fill their hearts and they turned into monsters. But we are the Kānaka and we survived to rebuild our lives.

Like all good mothers, the island knew her children. She knew it was in our nature to break her rules. There are some who say that we must not use any machines, and turn our back on the technology that we put above our island mother, but that is not true. It was the Veil she hated and took from us for our own good. She wants our children to drink cold Manimal while they ride their bikes. She wants us to see movies with our friends once again, and check our phones during the slow parts. She wants us to eat food cooked in a microwave, and put our plates into a machine to clean them. She wants us to live again once our punishment is over. We are the Kānaka, and we want those things too.

We do not have to do this alone. Through this long campaign, we have learned that she has loaned us the aid of her lesser children. The boars in the jungle tear through our enemies with noble tusks, punishing those who let the darkness overcome them. The sharks devour them if they try and swim out past the reef. Many of us have seen the island herself swallow up our adversaries and cleanse them with fire. They have no totems, the spirits are with us too.

Even the treacherous Thrivers of the hills have joined our cause. I have passed on some of the island’s wisdom and taught them how to farm. I have told them our stories, and have learned theirs. We share food, rai, and the truth of what the island must become in order to redeem ourselves. They have pledged their guns, tricks, and blood to our crusade. We are all united behind my totem.

I have gathered the hundreds of you here from across the island. You are the best and the bravest of us and now our work is almost done. We are the Kānaka and we will claim our home again. With the Thrivers’ help, we have pushed the monsters South from Kaelekii point. Side by side with the creatures of the jungle we have driven the Green Ladies and their minions West from Kealii gulch. I have personally driven the cannibals North from the city center with the help of my elite band of Koa.

These assorted horrors stand now at Black Rock Beach with our shark bruddahs swimming hungrily in the surf. It will be dawn in a few hours. It will be the last sunrise our enemies will ever see. With our allies’ help, we will defeat the twisted evil that is awaiting us. With the sun on our backs and love in our hearts, we will cleanse this part of the island and live like our mother wants us to. We are the Kānaka and we will win.