STORYLINE

Expansion of Controversial Drone Privacy Law Proposed

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Love it or hate it, if you’re a Maui native chances are you have an opinion on HRS-986, more commonly known as the drone privacy law. The legislation has ruffled plenty of feathers and interfered with numerous public events over the past year, but now privacy advocates want to expand the program to all public cameras and businesses participating in Glimpsea’s Lahaina View Project. If passed, business owners will be forced to verbally warn all patrons that they are being filmed “for marketing and security purposes” and obtain a signed release.

The subject of countless parodies on late-night television and spawning thousands of memes, the drone privacy act was supposed to protect the privacy of Maui citizens and the millions of tourists who visit every year. After a number of high-profile incidents involving the Veilcorp drones that continuously film activities on the island, HRS-986 promised to protect anonymity and curtail where the drones could film, a promise many say the law didn’t keep.

Forcing Veilcorp drones to broadcast a warning message whenever entering a new area or switching targets while filming, there were issues almost immediately. Weddings were ruined, as drones repeated the warning for each guest in attendance. One infamous video shows drones pursuing a funeral procession and drowning out speakers at a memorial service. Bird watchers and nature enthusiasts say the drone warnings scared away wildlife and disturbed the peaceful beauty of the preservation zone. Some conservationists even blame the automated announcements on the sharp decline in nesting sites of the Palila, a critically endangered finch-billed species of Hawaiian honeycreeper.

Overnight it became impossible to go anywhere outside and not eventually hear, “Pursuant to HRS-986, The Hawaiian Drone acknowledgment act of 2050, You are on notice that you are being filmed and agree to have your image captured and streamed for marketing and security purposes.” With their automated movements, pranksters began to place whirligigs & wind spinners in lawns late at night to attract drones and wake up entire neighborhoods with 85 decibels of privacy concerns.

With so much bad press it may seem strange that anyone is pushing to expand the program, but privacy groups say there is a need to protect against the public intrusions created by Glimpsea’s Lahaina View Project as well. They say the network of public and private cameras are a threat to anonymity and are concerned about the recently announced facial recognition abilities of the system.

“Uncle” Ralph Umeke, owner of the popular Hula Noodle eatery, and a Lahaina fixture is not a fan of the proposed expansion, calling it, “unmitigated nonsense!”

“It’s bad enough that they got those mechanical parrots buzzing around repeating that nonsense like a broken record, but now they want me to read a statement to everyone who comes into the shop and have them sign papers too? It’s nonsense! Do you know how busy I am during the lunch rush? If I have to read a statement and get paperwork for each individual who wants some noodles on a Friday afternoon, there’s going to be a whole lot of people who don’t get anything to eat. I like to listen to contented slurping in the shop, not my voice declaring, “This business operates within the Lahaina View Zone. Your image will likely be recorded for commercial purposes while you engage in commerce here.” It’s stupid! You already can barely hear the waves over the drone announcements at the beach some days. I’m not going to do the same inside my shop while people try to enjoy their food.”

Many business owners feel the same as Umeke but backers of the new legislation say the law will go a long way to foster goodwill with the public. Privacy advocate and author of such books as, “Stop Talking To Me: A Guide in Elevator Etiquette” Kevin Morrow says that the new law is needed to fill in the cracks left by HRS -986.

“HRS-987-4 simply adds protections to anyone filmed by the numerous cameras downtown participating in Glimpsea’s misguided enterprise. Models need to sign waivers for the use of their images and they’re getting paid. I think the general public deserves at least the same protections as someone wearing the latest flip-flop line for money.

The truth of the matter is that every year millions of people are devastated by the effects of mistimed photography and misleading video. Whether it’s a school picture taken during a blink, a wedding video catching a drunk uncle pantsless due to a belt malfunction, or someone being falsely labeled a wine spiller because of a handful of incidents, these sorts of permanent reminders of brief seconds of embarrassment are unacceptable.

Unfortunately, I have personal experience in how pictures can create and perpetuate false narratives. Many years ago I innocently spilled wine while filling glasses at a family get together. Luckily, I was able to move past the fumbling and my normally critical family didn’t mention it for the rest of the evening. I didn’t think much of it until it happened again at Christmas. This time, however, it was caught on film and posted to social media for my ridicule.

I was viciously labeled a “Spiller” by friends and family, even though my cousin Randy clearly hit the table the third and fourth time it happened on camera. I no longer felt safe at family events and refused to attend them to avoid any other labels and damage to my character. I even began to doubt my ability to pour other liquids, causing me great embarrassment and difficulty. With the help of my doctor and my plastic support pitcher, I was slowly able to gain my confidence back. I’m happy to announce that I can once again pour freely around the house without any issues. However, if this law had been around then, it may have saved me several years of struggle. We have a duty to protect the public from situations like mine. We need to guard against red-eye pictures, misguided vacation wardrobe decisions, and improperly recorded audio. That is why I believe HRS-987-4 is an important step in the right direction.”

STORYLINE

Transcript: SSHAM Expansion Focus Group Session 7

Moderator: First, I’d like to thank you all for agreeing to be part of this special breakout session today. You four seemed to have the strongest opinions about SSHAM, SSHAM branding, and additions to the SSHAM family. Now, to level set the discussion would you all briefly describe how you feel about SSHAM and the SSHAM brand of products.

Elizabeth: This may not be what you want to hear, but sometimes people need to hear the truth. I think it stinks, literally. I just can’t get over the smell. It’s like a garbage can filled with herring and garlic slowly burning on a windy day. I eat SSHAM at the Rotary Club once a year because it’s a tradition, but I never have it at home.

Kevin: I appreciate the thorough labeling on SSHAM cans, and your non-deceptive advertising. One of the worst things a company can do is lie to their potential customer base even when the information may not be flattering. For instance, I appreciate that you can easily confirm on the packaging that one slice of SSHAM contains 120% of your recommended daily intake of sodium, also the loaves in the commercial look almost exactly like the product when it comes out of the can. A big-slightly-moist brick of slurry meat.

Ano: Sorry to be that guy, but everything really. I love SSHAM. I haven’t found a type that I didn’t like. I even liked the coffee flavored SSHAM when it was around. I like it boiled, grilled, baked, fried, sous-vide, heck, I’ll eat it straight out of the can.

Gary: I like SSHAM too. I’m not sure I’d eat it out of a can, but I think it’s good. Sorry, I came here today hoping that I’d get to see one of the shrigs. Are we going to get a chance to see one today?

Moderator: Shrigs?

Gary: Yeah, the shrimp-pig hybrids that SSHAM is made from.

Kevin: Shrigs are what is known as an urban legend. That is a story usually passed by word of mouth that…..

Ano: Shrigs aren’t real

Gary: Like they don’t exist in nature?

Elizabeth: There’s no such thing as shrigs. SSHAM is just a bunch of pig parts that nobody wants to use for anything chopped up and blended with shrimp parts, chemicals, and spices.

Gary: Is that true? I guess I don’t want any chemicals in my body, for sure.

Moderator: SSHAM is a mixture of select pork products mixed with shrimp and a secret blend of spices to enhance it’s natural flavor. I assure you, there is no strange shrimp creatures in a can of SSHAM. Let’s move on. What would you say is your favorite flavor of SSHAM.

Elizabeth: Like I said, I reluctantly eat SSHAM First Pressing Reserve once a year.

Ano: Oh man, that’s like asking which one of your kids is your favorite? I love SShamplete, the meal replacement drinks and SSHAM Extra Dark for the increased umami flavor. I guess those are my favorites

Kevin: I prefer SShlobster flavor. It’s very creamy and I can actually go down to the docks and see the deformed crustaceans used in its creation. You can really taste how soft the shells are in each slice. It tastes just like you’d expect it to.

Gary: So SSHAM Extra Spicy isn’t made from shrigs that lived on an exclusive pepper diet? You guys just add spicy stuff to the meat shake you’re making?

Moderator: How would you feel about SSHAM offering international flavors? What sorts of flavors would you like to see in the future?

Kevin: I don’t have what I’d consider to be a good palate and this question is beyond the areas of my expertise. I’d just ask that you keep the labeling clear and honest. Other than that, I don’t feel comfortable answering.

Elizabeth: Anything that doesn’t smell or taste like SSHAM would be a good start.

Ano: I think it’s be super cool to add international flavors. I bet there are a lot of asian flavors in particular that would be very good. Maybe add some different proteins like bison, sheep or lamb, duck, or turkey for Thanksgiving or something. Man, you got me thinking now. Just about anything would be awesome! Sorry my brain is just all over the place thinking about the possibilities.

Gary: I don’t know what it’s officially called, but I really like the taste of the #12 from China House down the street from me. Sorry, I just can’t believe that shrigs aren’t real. I mean, I feel like I’m the last kid to find out Santa isn’t real. It’s just blowing my mind. It’s like your gonna tell me that there’s no such thing as a bologna cow next.

Kevin: Bologna is actually a fine ground sausage usually made from pork, bits of pork fat, and spices to make a flavorful meat with a distinctive taste and smooth texture. It can also be made with a number of other animal proteins, most commonly beef and turkey.

Gary: So there’s no bologna cows and beef bologna in the store is just some kind of huge sausage sliced thin?

Moderator: I feel like we’re getting off track. Can we please try and focus on the questions before us and SSHAM. Thank you. Now, on a scale of 1-10 1 being “absolutely will not” and 10 being “I absolutely will” how likely would you say you are to try a new SSHAM flavor when it’s available in the store?

Kevin: I feel like this question is an invasion of my privacy and that you are trying to leverage some sort of subliminal peer pressure in us, and I find it unacceptable. I choose not to answer this question and would encourage the others not to answer it as well.

Elizabeth: I would say -15.

Ano: 10, absolutely a 10. I’m a SSHAM man. What can I say? If you it slice it, I will eat it.

Gary: So I know that not every meat is named what it is made of. Pastrami is brined smoked beef, and ham is pork. Turkey is turkey of course but are you sure that there aren’t bologna cows or shrigs? What about corned beef? That’s cows that eat a lot of corn right?

Kevin: Actually, like pastrami, corned beef is simply a cured preparation of beef, but instead of smoking the cured meat at the end you boil it until…..

Moderator: Again, I feel like we’re getting offtopic. Can we please just focus on the questions I have about SSHAM. How do you feel about our past promotions and what would you like to see us do in future promotions.

Kevin: That is the second time you’ve rudely interrupted me. Coupled with your subliminal tactics, and your ham-handed attempt to ascertain the likelyhood of my future SSHAM purchases, I refuse to participate any further. Your aggression towards me is uncalled for and unprofessional. I request that you provide me with a take home questionnaire so I can still express my opinions to the company without your combative demeanor getting in the way, and tainting my thoughts and expressions.

Elizabeth: Wow! This spiraled down the drain in a hurry. I’d suggest just avoiding some of the mistakes of the past, like the bits of metal in Iron SSHAM and avoid using toxic shrimp like you did a few years ago. On second thought, just keep doing what you are doing. It seems to be working for you, and the unfortunate individuals who actually like your canned meat loaf.

Ano: I love reading the SSHAM Stories page for inspiration, and we get a lot of cool ideas for using the cans at the maker commune. Of course SSHAM Fest is the best. It’s the only time of year that I can eat enough SSHAM. I’d say that you should expand into other foods. Stuff like snacks, cereal, or ice cream. Be creative. Challenge my taste buds and my thoughts about what SSHAM can be.

Gary: So what’s salami? I feel like everyone just wants to move on and not acknowledge just how confusing lunch meat, and this whole “there’s no shrigs” thing is. I know you get bacon from a certain part of the pig but where do you get the hot dogs from? Am I the stupid one here? Do most people really know this? Did they show us a film about shrigs not being real and meat slurries when we were kids? Was I sick that day? I feel like maybe the formation of some sort of educational initiative is in order!

Moderator: Thank you all very much for your time.

STORYLINE

Kayaking Tourists Attacked While Trying To Film Otters

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Sea otters attacked a tourist and her family near Oneloa Bay early Saturday morning. The group were kayaking near the otters when the pod began to push the boats, jump out of the water, and attack the tourists. Witnesses say the otters managed to flip one of the kayaks in the horrifying attack. Several family members were treated for bites at the Lahaina Medical Center. Officials say such behavior in sea otters is almost unheard of. They are investigating the incident, and checking the otters for a possible rabies outbreak.

48-year-old Camilla Brandt says that she thought getting a few pictures of Oneloa Bay’s newly discovered sea otter pod would be a great way to cap off “the vacation of a lifetime.” However that dream soon became a nightmare, when her youngest son approached the pod with his phone out to take a picture. “It was like someone flipped a switch inside them,” says Brandt.

“Cody was so focused on getting himself in the frame that he didn’t see the big one flying through the water at him. It grabbed the front of the kayak, and almost knocked him over. The rest just started swarming. Tim and I paddled as fast as we could, but in a few seconds they were all over Cody and the kayak. Then they started jumping on our boats and trying to push us over too. I screamed when I saw Cody hit the water. Thankfully, some nearby fishermen saw the whole thing, and came to our rescue. If it wasn’t for them slapping the water, and the noise of their motor, I’m not sure we would have made it back alive. To top it off, as we were being pulled onboard, I saw one of the otters with Cody’s phone on its chest, smashing it with a rock. I don’t care what anyone says; they may look cute on TV, but these things are killers!”

The tourists were taken the Lahaina Medical center following the attack. Camilla and her husband were treated for minor contusions and lacerations, while their son Cody received over 30 stitches, and was held overnight for observation. As a precautionary measure, everyone received treatment for rabies.

Reports of conflicts between tourists and wildlife have been on the rise, particularly with the native Nene population. The State Bird has been the subject of numerous reported attacks this year. Back in February a couple claimed to have been “held hostage” by a group of Nene overnight. However, this is the first report of aggressive behavior in the otters. While he does recommend caution when dealing with any wild animal, Greg Iona of the Department of Land and Natural Rsources (DLNR) says that the otters are nothing to worry about. “We will be testing individuals for rabies, but at this point it appears laws about harassing the pod, and getting too close were broken, leading to the unfortunate incident,” Iona says.

“Such aggressive behavior in otters is almost unheard of, but all wild animals can be unpredictable, especially when they feel their young are in danger. Add that to the fact that this is a population of animals that is normally not found in this area. We don’t really know what “normal” behavior might be for the otters living in our waters. People forget that these are big animals too. A fully grown male sea otter can weigh almost 100 pounds, that’s about the size of a German Shepherd. Having said that, and despite the incident Saturday, we have no evidence that our otters are any more dangerous than normal. Right now all the witness statements are clear that despites warnings, and laws against harassing the animals, the Brandt’s were much too close. We believe something about the reflection from the phone, and the proximity to young triggered an aggressive response in the otters. We can’t say enough how important it is to give these wild animals the space they deserve.”

Local residents have mixed feelings about the attack. Some in the area say they will now keep young children from playing in the water, and will avoid Oneloa Bay altogether. Others put the blame on the tourists. One Lahaina resident however says that the real culprit in the incident is Cody’s phone, and the unrealistic view of reality that it fosters. “He may not appreciate it now, but the otter that smashed his phone did him a huge favor,” says author Kevin Morrow.

“I’ve been studying photographs on social media recently, and have been blown away by my findings. The days of simple landscape shots, and family portraits in front of a standard background are over. There is no end to the number of filters, manipulating tools, and animations a young person can add to photos now. With the press of a button they can add: beauty make-up, dog ears, stars, rainbows, or even other people and objects to their pictures. They can even digitally place themselves in other locations. They used to say that “seeing is believing” but what does a young mind do when virtually nothing they see is based in reality. It was hard enough for me to navigate my nephew’s hall of mirrors-like photo section. I can only imagine what it’s like for the average young teen growing up with pictures worth a thousand imaginary words. I believe we need to start regulating these dangerous photo filters before someone decides to get a close-up of a tiger shark to see what historical figure it looks most like. In my opinion, we’re sitting on a photo bomb ready to explode.”

STORYLINE

Should Veilcorp be Required To Evacuate People During an Emergency?

Veilcorp sends millions of people on billions of trips every year, but should they be legally required to transport people to safe areas during an emergency? According to a growing number of people, including Rep. John Kildee, the answer is yes. Kildee has introduced a bill which would designate the Veil station in Lahaina as an emergency evacuation center, and require the company to send evacuees to a “safe destination” during an emergency. Veilcorp says the proposed law is an unnecessary government overreach.

Representative Kildee and his supporters say that House Bill 6239 is about protecting life, and ensuring that all available tools and options are open and ready in case of an emergency. Kildee points out that the InterIsland Preservation and Travel Act (IPTA), passed in 2046, already allows the government to regulate how many people are allowed to use veil technology to travel to Maui. “6239 is similar, but less intrusive to the company,” he says.

“Less than three years ago we were hit with the worst hurricane to ever make landfall in Hawaii. It was a miracle that more people weren’t hurt. Despite what some might have you believe, the world is not safe. While we are able to easily travel vast distances in the blink of an eye, it has not brought us together. Some regions have never been more dangerous, and the threat of a missile attack looms darker now than it ever has. Veilcorp has the technology to help all citizens get to safety during a natural disaster, attack, or civil event emergency. House Bill 6239 simply ensures that Veilcorp uses their technology to help those in great need. We want to ensure everyone’s safety, not just those who can afford it.”

Veilcorp COO Lisa Hunt says that the company already has protocols in place to handle emergencies and evacuations, and that the bill is more about political theater than public safety. “Rep. Kildee is once again beating his anti-Veilcorp drum to rally his base, but it is unnecessary,” she says.

“When hurricane Neki hit the island, hundreds of residents were safe in Veilcorp shelters. During the terrorist attack that claimed 10 lives, and injured many more, we transported people to safe locations, not knowing if more bombings were to come. We already do all the things mandated in this bill, but we do them efficiently without government interference. Look, many of us live in the Lahaina area. The people that this bill would cover are our friends and neighbors. We wouldn’t hesitate to help them in an emergency. We’ve been in the business of moving people from one place to another for over two decades. We’re pretty good at it, and getting the government into the mix will make things more dangerous, not less.”

Some agree with Hunts assertion, and believe a law forcing the company to transport people during an emergency is a bad idea. Many residents have expressed concerns over where they would be sent, with one local telling the Lahaina Advertiser, “I live in Lahaina because I fell in love with the people, sights and sounds. I don’t want the government forcing Veilcorp to send me somewhere with strange smelling food, and the daily news in a language I don’t understand. How am I supposed to find out what is happening to my home? What if I get sent somewhere with terrible coffee, and horrible wireless connectivity?”

Local author Kevin Morrow says the bill, as written, would be a mistake because it overlooks many logistical problems. He says, “I’ve actually been studying the Lahaina Veils Station since it was built and I can say with 100% certainty, that the line and queuing system inside would fail during an emergency situation.”

“Living in such close proximity, most of us have been in the veil station during a busy time like the holidays. The lines are like something out of a nightmare. Now imagine how bad they would be if people were scared for their lives. People push, pull, and fight in lines over bargains while shopping. Imagine the chaos involved with a line full of people who are trying to reach safety, and not just the last must-have toy of the year. Stanchions and retractable belts are no match for a crowd of anxious people.”

Morrow says he doesn’t believe that the government would be any better prepared to efficiently handle lines than Veilcorp, and says one only need visit their local DMV lobby for proof. However, he says he has a plan that could solve the problem.

“The main issue is that waiting in line is not natural. Lines are, for the most part, a product of The Industrial Revolution. Factory work changed people’s schedules forever. Instead of working sporadically throughout the day, people were now starting and leaving work at the same time, creating crowds. To deal with the chaos of this newfound social phenomena, we invented lines. In their lifetime, the average person spends five years waiting in line. The truth is the human psyche is not strong enough to endure that period of time participating in an unnatural social construct, especially with the prospect of impending doom lingering. That’s why I endorse such things as: Secure queuing chutes, letting evacuees pick waiting teams, assigning numbers in micro-waiting areas, and certified line soothers, who would assure you that your turn is coming soon. It’s all inside my 38-point “Better Queuing Plan” which I have shared with Rep. Kildee’s office and Veilcorp. Residents would have enough to worry about in the event of something like a missile attack. The last thing they’d need to deal with is the mental toll and physical dangers that a slow or mismanaged line would cause. Personally, I’d rather take my chances with a missile.”

STORYLINE

Kokua Wellness Center Accused of Using Discarded Meat In Beauty Treatments

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Lahaina is in shock this morning after disturbing allegations were made last night involving the Kokua Wellness Center and some of their most popular beauty treatments. The exclusive spa is accused of using scrap meat and cutoffs from a number of local businesses in procedures, including the Abramo Chophouse, instead of the specialized stem cells and patented biological materials normally associated with high-end Newuskin treatments. Officials say they have confiscated hundreds of pounds of meat from the facility and are questioning staff about the claims. Newuskin says they are suspending all services at Kokua and are removing their machines until a full investigation is completed.

This is not the first time troubling allegations have been made against the Wellness Center involving Newuskin treatments. Two years ago, Kokua made headlines when a group broke into the facility intent on stealing materials they claimed were human remains. While that case raised many moral and spiritual questions about the nature of the spas treatments, these new claims raise significant issues regarding public safety.

The investigation comes hot on the heels of an anonymous complaint sent to the Health Department and local officials, as well as the entire client list of the center. It reads in part, “I had been working at the Abramo Chophouse for years when the scrap buckets appeared. Anyone who has cooked for a living knows about waste buckets. They’re supposed to make you waste less by looking at the pile of food at your feet at the end of the night, but these were different. We kept them in the cooler and they were always sealed. Also, they were only supposed to be for cutoffs, trimmings, and scraps…..just meat and nothing cooked…. We joked that Bob was planning on making a “Kamikaze Sausage” special like you’d do with mixing fountain soda as a kid but that wasn’t what was going on at all.

…I kept asking why we were bringing the buckets to the side entrance of the spa and finally I was told that they were using the scraps in their procedures because it was cheaper than buying what they needed from the company. Normally I’m not concerned about the problems of Lahaina’s rich and famous, but this was too much. Nobody deserves to have their face filled with gristle and rib scrapings….you all need to look into this.”

Kokua spokesperson Yvonne Masters says she finds the allegations troubling but adds that the public response has been even worse.

“We live in a time where accusations no matter how outlandish are believed. We are obviously dealing with disgruntled employees trying to lash out in any way they can. It is disturbing how fast something like this can snowball and it should scare every business owner in Lahaina. Of course, all of these allegations are untrue. It goes without saying that we are not infusing cheeseburgers into our clients to smooth out fine lines and wrinkles. The confiscated meat has been inspected and is used to extract the most bio-available zinc available for our exclusive line of holistic vitamins. The reaction to this troll’s unfounded allegations has left us all speechless and saddened.”

Public reactions have been mixed so far with many high-profile clients making statements supporting the spa and pointing out how outrageous the accusations are. Still, many see a reason for concern. Local resident and noted author Kevin Morrow says if proven true the spa has endangered the lives of not only its clients but the public in general.

“One common rule has been shared across all cultures since humans could etch their thoughts into clay tablets or paint them on a wall. Don’t eat each other! It seems simple enough but what if your neighbor or your boss were literally made of what you eat? Hunger is very powerful, perhaps the most powerful driving force in nature. Much of your hunger response is subconscious, there’s a reason bakeries direct the smell of baking bread to the front of the store. We’ve all heard stories about plane crash survivors or lost groups forced to eat each other to survive, and that is dirty exhausted people with almost no meat on their bones.

Now imagine plump healthy-looking individuals baking in the afternoon sun, filled with Bob’s Best Burger Blend. Maybe you’ve had too many Mai Tai’s and the smell of these meat treated people is slowly wafting into your nostrils making your mouth water. You think to yourself, “Well maybe just a toe, they won’t miss it that much.” That’s exactly how a cannibal uprising starts. All it takes is the right situation and one bad day. I don’t think people realize how close they are to being eaten by their peers. For the sake of Lahaina and its people I hope these allegations are untrue.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina to End Glimpsea’s “Enhanced Dispatch” Program

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The Lahaina City Council voted to end Glimpsea’s crowdsourced public safety dispatching service yesterday after numerous complaints, and high-profile mishaps. Part of the “Lahaina View Project” began in 2048, the enhanced dispatching program was supposed to help close a $1 million projected budget deficit, as well as provide more efficient emergency dispatching with the help of community volunteers.

The service faced much opposition since its inception both from the public, and from within the Mayor’s Office. Despite the company’s promises, and the hopes of some within the city government, the program stumbled from the very beginning, and was cancelled after barely 3 months. Glimpsea’s Vice President Simon Ike says he is disappointed with the council’s decision, and that complaints have been overblown, saying: “The program has been unfairly scrutinized from the start. While we feel our enhanced dispatching service is the future of emergency services, we understand the pressure the city council has been under, even if we strongly disagree with their decision.”

The Lahaina View Project was supposed to harness the power of a network of security cameras, drones, and phones to provide 24/7 visual coverage of Lahaina, as well as offer unique opportunities for civic, and government innovation. Thousands of residents downloaded the Glimpsea app, and became part of the network. The project’s cameras did save time and money for some departments like: the assessor’s office, the water department, and the housing division, however, it was the offer of a revolutionary emergency response and crowdsourced dispatching system that promised some of the most exciting advances.

With almost complete video coverage of Lahaina, emergencies and crimes could be spotted early, and registered users would be able to dispatch first responders to any situation at virtually no cost. Unfortunately, things didn’t go quite as planned. The program was soon plagued with false alarms, inordinately long response times, incorrect addresses, and people misusing the network.

Perennial mayoral candidate, and President of the Foundation for Natural Law Rodger “Rod” Kohole, was one of the most vocal opponents of the program, and says he is happy with the council’s decision. “Mark one down for the people! Yesterday we told big government that we don’t want them peeking in our windows, or degenerates guiding our brave first responders. This program was designed to line the pockets of government leeches at the expense of the public. I hope this is a wake-up call to Cravalho, and the Lahaina Stasi that they’re going to have to cultivate another network of informants. It is unconscionable that for months our neighbors have had to rely on people living in their mother’s basement to put their game on pause, and dispatch police and firemen. It’s a miracle nobody was seriously hurt, or killed due to Albert’s incompetence.”

“In retrospect, some of the issues we ran into seem kind of obvious,” says Mayor Albert Cravalho. “Crowdsourcing works great for things like data collection, research, and raising money, but probably isn’t the best model for dispatching emergency services. Despite the best efforts of Glimpsea, and my office, we just weren’t able to overcome the negative press coverage, and get the program on track. We had implemented systems to address some of the biggest concerns surrounding the dispatcher issues, but unfortunately it was too little, too late, for the public. I can understand their concerns, when you’re in an emergency, you want action not excuses. I just wish they had given us a chance to work out the kinks.”

Glimpsea and the mayor aren’t the only ones disappointed in the council’s decision. Self-described amateur sociologist, and author Kevin Morrow says the program was a treasure trove for his research.

“The enhanced dispatch service saved me years of data collection regarding the actions of people in stressful situations. I was initially against the program, but once I understood its potential, I was a big fan. Normally, one has to rely on reports, or interviews after-the-fact when researching human responses. However, thanks to the program, I was able to give surveys and conduct personality tests in real time, to real people during a time of turmoil. The results were amazing! While It is true that an overwhelming number of people become more agitated when questioned about what they thought their role in their emergency was, and I had four different accounts banned doing research; I still collected an enormous amount of data. I can only imagine how much my research could have helped those traumatized by an emergency event if the program was allowed to continue.”

STORYLINE

Glimpsea Expands “Lahaina View” Project

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The Hawaiian Department of Land and Natural Resources announced today that they would be joining the County of Maui and Glimpsea in their Lahaina View Project. Started last year, the program’s goal is to provide a live view of all of Lahaina through a network of cameras 24/7.

For the past year, Glimpsea has deployed its Comprehensive Aloha Security Helper Camera System (CASH) across large portions of Lahaina under the supervision of Mayor Cravalho’s office. Using a number of security cameras, the project currently covers most of Front Street and portions of the beach. The inclusion of the DLNR and their preservation zone drones will expand the program to a much larger area, but Vice President Simon Ike says that’s just the beginning.

“We’re really excited about the DLNR’s decision. Including their drones is a win-win situation for everyone. In addition to expanding our coverage in Lahaina, the drones can zero in on specific areas or tourists. It’s like having a professional camera crew following you around while you’re on vacation. As part of the agreement, we’ve provided the DLNR with a number of our mite-cams to be used in their tagging programs. We are hopeful that the shots provided by these banded birds will help conservation efforts and allow those interested an intimate view of the day to day affairs of Lahaina’s wildlife.”

While the new agreement will offer some exciting new areas of coverage, Lahaina is large. A handful of drones and birds won’t cover a significant range of the island. Ike says he is hopeful that the public can help the project reach its goal by downloading Glimpsea’s new app.

“The reality is that this new partnership will offer some interesting shots but we’re going to need the public’s help if we’re going to get a complete view of Lahaina. We encourage everyone who is interested to get our app and join the program. If you own any of our products currently: security cams, drones, 360 cams, or mite-cams, the app will be included in your next update. For those not using our products, our app is compatible with most drones, phones, and dash cams. If it has a lens and you bought it in the last 10 years, you can be part of the team. All you have to do is provide the make and model number and hit “Accept”. I’m confident that we will reach our goal of total Lahaina coverage by the end of the year. Soon, people from all over the world will be able to see, and in many cases hear, just how beautiful this place is in real time.”

The Lahaina View project is not without its detractors of course. Many worry about privacy issues and the network being hacked. Some feel that the program goes against the sense of freedom and peace that many visit the island to experience. “How are you supposed to relax on the beach if you know some creep could be sitting in his basement somewhere in the world staring at you?” asks Lauryn Krie, a tourist visiting from Detroit. Local activist Kevin Morrow has different concerns.

“I cautioned everyone about the radio tower but nobody would listen. Now we have ziplines attached all over the place and you can’t walk near one without hearing someone drop an F-bomb. I’ve been trying to track the increase in profanity since the swear tower went up, but it’s been hard because there wasn’t a lot of airborne obscenity before the ziplines. I think it’s safe to say you are 100% more likely to hear cursing from above since my warnings went unheeded. I hope it’s not too late for this video thing. Tourists routinely swear on the beach and Front Street. I don’t think it’s a stretch to imagine children who are now hooked on profanity flipping through the audio enabled views looking for a fix. Words aren’t just noises that we make with air through the holes in our faces, they are ideas and some ideas are bad. The Lahaina View project is a very bad idea.”

STORYLINE

Judge Approves $9 Million Settlement in Abramo Butchery Academy Lawsuit

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A federal judge in Honolulu has given her final approval to a $9 million settlement to litigation brought against The Abramo Butchery Academy, a butchery and food preparation program owned by Bob Abramo. Members of the class action suit say that contrary to Mr. Abramo’s promises in the wildly popular ads that “it doesn’t matter if it runs, walks, or crawls, you’ll learn to butcher it all,” the Academy provided “virtually no useful instruction.”

The lawsuit argued that Abramo defrauded students, some of whom paid more than $10,000 to participate in the seminars, with false advertisements promising that they would: learn from Abramo’s vast personal knowledge of meat preparation techniques, that he would hand-pick seminar instructors, and that he would personally oversee video lessons. In depositions regarding the suit, Abramo acknowledged he didn’t choose instructors or even know how many video lessons were included in the curriculum. In addition, some students claim that the program taught controversial theories about meat handling practices and provided students with “no usable skills.” According to a few enrollees, some of the lessons were downright “bizarre.”

Abramo Holdings spokesperson Brandi Essen disagrees with that characterization. A graduate of the program herself, she holds a “Masters Carving License” from the academy and says she’s proud of her education and the program. She concedes that some of the meat handling techniques taught in the program are “unusual,” but says the industry has failed to keep up with the instruction provided by the school.

“We focus on whole carcass butchery, something that most people, even chefs, know very little about these days. We still believe that our students were provided with a quality education, learning proper blade maintenance, marbling theory, and advanced deboning techniques. I’m especially proud of our instructional videos, “Fat Cap Philosophy” and “The Problem With Silver Skin,” in particular. We stand behind the thousands of professional chefs, butchers, and backyard barbecue enthusiasts, who are happy with the education we provided.”

The settlement had been endangered after one former student, Kevin Morrow, argued that he should be allowed to opt out of the agreement to continue litigation against Abramo himself. He was upset that the settlement did not require Abramo to apologize and admit fault in the case. In addition, Morrow wanted Abramo to promise that the he would change the grilling methods taught in the class, calling them “irresponsible” and “reckless”. However, other former students who had started the class action suit wanted the settlement to move forward. U.S. District Judge Josephine Ulu ruled Monday that the settlement was “fair” and would move forward. In her written opinion, Ulu said that many former students will recover 80% of their tuition, an amount that she called “extremely fair.” The settlement will be available to more than 1,000 former students and would be payable in check or in credit at any Abramo store or restaurant.

Despite the judge’s decision in the case, Mr. Morrow says he still plans on investigating other legal options. He says,

“I thought that learning to butcher and cook an animal properly would help endear me to my neighbors. I have some trouble meeting new people and thought the smell of grilled ribs would entice them to come over for a visit. Everything seemed to be going fine at first, but as the meat continued to cook I could feel the mood change. Following what I learned in the curriculum, I wrapped the ribs in tinfoil and reduced the heat before talking to the kids about how human and pig anatomy was so similar. With my tongs and carving knife, I pointed out where the choicest cuts were in the children, and guessed at how many pounds of dressed meat they’d produce. I thought that I could get at least 12 good-sized filet steaks from Tom, the oldest boy. However, I had no idea how strongly some people must feel about wrapping ribs in foil. Before I knew it, they gathered up the family and left without saying a word.”

Morrow claims that instead of giving him the skills and confidence necessary to become a great griller, the program left him ostracized and shunned in his neighborhood. “The fallout from the rib incident has been dramatic. As a practicing amateur sociologist, I notice things that many people miss. Most communication is non-verbal and the actions of my neighbors speak loudly. I’ve noticed parents grabbing their children’s hands extra tightly when going past my house and walking extremely fast as they pass by. I see people whispering when I’m around, and my neighbors avoid me at all costs. My dream of hosting lavish backyard barbecues have literally been foiled by the irresponsibility of Mr. Abramo.”

STORYLINE

Man Wielding Leiomano Arrested Following Police Confrontation

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Lahaina Police arrested an unnamed man Sunday evening, who they say brandished a shark tooth club, or leiomano, stolen from the Lahaina Museum. Officials say the man went on a rampage: destroying property, and stealing items from a nearby Big Bites store, before leading police on a chase through the museum, where he was able to elude capture. The suspect was finally arrested in the Baby Beach area after a confrontation that police on scene described as “terrifying.” The unidentified man is being held under observation at the Lahaina Medical Center pending a full psychological examination, and drug screen.

Craig Luahi says he had know idea he was going to be involved in a manhunt Sunday afternoon, and was just enjoying sitting on his couch, binge watching the latest season of Veil Sale. Soon after settling in, Luahi heard a noise in the backyard and went to investigate. What he saw was unexpected to say the least.

“There was a guy dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and a boonie hat who was trying to chop down a tree in my backyard. I yelled at him, and he spun around with an axe in his hand, and a look in his eye I didn’t like. He was acting real crazy, asking me what year it was, talking about the Veil Station blowing up, and the world ending. It really freaked me out, and I started to back-up when he said he needed some twine and wood to make splints. I don’t know about you, but when a crazy guy holding an axe asks me for something, I try really hard to get it. I told him that I thought I had some rope and scrap wood in the garage he was welcome to, and ran inside to call the police. By the time they arrived he was gone.”

Police say that soon after responding to Luahi’s home they received a call about a disturbance at a nearby Big Bites store where an individual matching the suspects description was threatening employees, and stealing items. According to employees the man seemed most interested in the store’s supply of SSHAM. “He kept saying that it was worth its weight in gold. Stuff about poison gas, and the world ending. I told him I was calling the cops and he better leave. He said the cops weren’t as bad as Trophy Hunters, whatever that means, but as soon as we heard the sirens he took off out the back door.”

The suspect ran several blocks while police set up a perimeter. Within minutes he was spotted running inside the Lahaina Heritage Museum, and a foot chase ensued. Despite their best efforts, the man was able to escape with a traditional shark-toothed club that was on display as part of the museum’s Hawaiian Ancestors Exhibit. Drones were launched, and dogs were brought in to help track the assailant.

Video footage of the man was sent to all social media channels, and officials attempted to find the suspect using Glimpsea’s Comprehensive Aloha Security Helper Camera System (CASH), to no avail. The search continued for almost eight hours before a terrifying confrontation with police led to his capture.

The arresting officer says in his report: “It was unusually cloudy, with fog rolling in, so it was hard to see. At first I thought he was officer Owano, who was also searching the beach area for the suspect. I called out but he didn’t answer. He just walked closer. I yelled again, and he started to jog my way. As he got closer I could see he was holding something large with both hands off to his side. I pulled my weapon, but I had waited too long. He swung the leiomano and one of the teeth caught my hand, making me drop my sidearm. He was screaming that he needed to find someplace safe to wait out “the worst of it”. He said we needed to leave him alone, and go be with our families. I tried reasoning with him, but he swung again striking my leg. I fell, and tried to grab onto the suspect before he could swing again. It was then that officer Owano arrived on scene, deployed his taser, and we were able to secure the subject.”

Police say the man refuses to identify himself, and his fingerprints are not on file. The leiomano has been returned to the museum where it will have to be repaired. The suspects motives remain as mysterious as his identity this morning. Officials say they are still waiting for bloodwork and his psych evaluation but it is highly likely that he was suffering from a severe reaction to illicit drugs, or from some sort of mental break. However, local author Kevin Morrow has a different theory. “Violent survival style video games are to blame,” he says.

“It’s amazing to me that things like this don’t happen more often. Some of these games can feel so authentic that it’s hard to tell the difference between what’s real, and what isn’t for some. I’ve heard stories of young people collapsing from exhaustion trying to collect minerals by hitting rocks, or trying to shape boards with nothing but an axe. I’m not surprised at all that the weapon was stolen from the museum. One of the most common tropes in these types of games is discovering a sort of armory, where an individual can find numerous weapons to aid in their “quests”. The museum exhibit must have seemed like one of these areas to this poor man, further feeding his psychosis. If we want to be serious about protecting museum antiquities we need to start screening people who play these types of games. I feel bad for this confused individual, and hope hospital staff have begun to transition him into shape matching games, exposing him to the joy of checkers, or a simple card game, something that lacks the power to inspire this violent “questing” behavior.”

STORYLINE

Man With Goose Phobia Calls Food Delivery Service For Help Scaring Away Birds

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A Lahaina area man with a severe phobia of geese found himself face to face with his worst fear Saturday night, when a group of nene surrounded his home just before dusk. After calling for help from his neighbors, the police, and animal control, to no avail, 48-year-old Kevin Morrow devised an unorthodox solution to his problem. He ordered a meal from the popular Hailoha-Eats delivery service, and asked the delivery driver to scare off the offending birds.

According to Morrow it was an ordinary Saturday evening. He was busy working on his latest book, outlining the danger food carts present to traditional family dinner rituals, when his dog Howie began to bark uncontrollably. Looking out the window, Kevin’s worst nightmare came true when he saw his yard was filled with nene.

Suffering from an acute fear of the state bird, he tried calling his neighbors for help, but they didn’t answer the phone. He next tried the police, but was told that they didn’t handle goose removal, and he should try animal control if they were still in the yard in the morning. Desperate for help, it was then that Morrow spotted the Hailoha-Eats flyer.

“I have more than a few phobias,” says Morrow “I suffer from: meleagrisphobia, the fear of turkeys, alektorophobia, the fear of chickens, and anatidaephobia, the fear of geese. Actually, I find most birds and many social situations to be daunting at the very least. It’s the geese that’s the worst though. There’s just something terrible in the way they walk and sound. They’re so aggressive! To be honest, I wasn’t surprised that I didn’t get any support from my neighbors. I’ve learned that they have little interest in hearing my opinions about their duty to mow the sections of my lawn that their kids play on, let alone scare off dozens of geese there. However, the fact that the police refused to help was very disappointing. When I learned I’d have to wait until morning to call animal control, I could feel myself beginning to spiral into a full blown panic attack. It was then the Hailoha-Eats pamphlet caught my eye. I use the service often, and knew that every order has a “Special Instructions” section. I made the call, turned off the lights so the geese couldn’t see me with their demonic-beady-little-eyes, and waited for help.”

Within minutes delivery driver Mark Me’e pulled into Morrow’s driveway, only to find a dark house. “The order came with a request that read ‘Help with birds,’” says Me’e. “Since it was Peking duck with extra crepes, and a side of foie gras, I thought maybe it was someone who needed help dishing out the food or something. But when I turned on my brights to make sure I had the right address, I saw what it really meant. There were dozens of geese on top of the house, and a bunch more came walking up from the side yard. I half expected Tippi Hedren to appear. None of them were making any noise. They were just looking at me. It was one of the creepiest things that I’ve ever seen.

I honked the horn to scare them away but they all squawked back at me, almost in unison. Honk. Squawk. Honk. Squawk. I rolled down the window to shout at them, and it was then that I noticed that I didn’t hear any bugs or other animals. It was completely silent. I called the customer contact number, and after going to voicemail a few times, Kevin answered. I asked what was going on; he explained his phobia, and said he was pretty sure they would hurt him if he went outside. He begged me to help scare them away, and I said I’d do my best.

They weren’t acting like normal nene. When I opened the door, a bunch of them put their heads low, and made a straight line towards me. It freaked me out so much that I got back in the car, and called Kevin again. I told him that I just drive people around, and deliver food, wrangling disturbing geese was above my paygrade. He sounded so scared though, that I couldn’t just leave him in there. I remembered that I had some emergency flares in the trunk, and told Kevin that I’d need him to draw the bird’s attention so I could get to them. He turned on the lights inside, and all the geese ran to the windows. I popped the trunk and ran to get the flares. I could see some of them turn back to me as I sprinted around the car. I grabbed the flares, lit a couple, and began throwing them in the yard while screaming at the top of my lungs. I can only imagine what it must have looked like to anyone driving past, but it worked. They flew off together, and I gave Kevin his food and a big hug. It’s a delivery I’ll never forget.”

Unusual animal encounters are on the rise in Lahaina, and this incident has many guessing what may have caused the strange behavior in the usually shy geese. Some say it is shifting climate patterns forcing the birds to seek out food in new places, while others place the blame firmly on Veilcorp, their travel technology, and their solar 127 harvesting program. The Department of Land and Natural Resources is expected to release the findings of their investigation into the issue later this year.

Whatever the outcome of the DLNR’s investigation, Morrow says he can’t thank Mark enough, and just wishes he could reward him more for his actions.

“There aren’t a lot of people who would have done what Mark did. I believe he saved Howie and I that evening. That’s why it was so hard to only rate him 3 out of 5 stars and reduce his tip. There’s no doubting his bravery, but at the end of the day he is a food delivery driver, and I was forced to judge him on that criteria. By the time he scared the geese away my crepes had become soggy, and he forgot my extra cucumbers and sauce. To be honest, 3 stars was probably a little too generous. I wish his company offered some sort of personal rating system, but until they do, I have to follow their guidelines. As a person, I can’t say enough nice things about Mark Me’e, but as a delivery driver, he’s a bit wanting.”