STORYLINE

Opposition To Emergency Siren System Grows In Lahaina

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A new multimillion dollar alert system in Lahaina is facing stiff opposition from residents, business owners, and environmentalists alike. A petition has been started asking the county to postpone a scheduled test at the end of this month until a number of concerns have been addressed. The county says that the system is a long needed public safety feature and has no plans to halt the test, or its expansion.

Installation of the new alert system began last month with little public resistance initially. County spokesperson Ellen Pahili says, “The alert system is something that we’ve frankly needed for a long time. After the wide-spread panic and confusion caused by the Veilcorp attack in 2041, it was decided that we needed a better alert system. It’s just too bad that it has taken 7 years to actual make any headway on the project.” Pahilil says that the devastation left behind after hurricane Neki, and the subsequent fireworks explosion, proved the need for the system to many holdouts. “If we could have warned everyone when Neki was about to make landfall we could have saved lives,” she says.

The Maui Emergency Management Agency, along with The Hawaii Emergency Management Agency, plans on testing the system along the Honoapiilani Highway, around Kahana and the Lahaina Waste Water Treatment Plant. The test is scheduled for Thursday, May 28 between 9am and 4pm. Officials say nearby residents may hear the siren sound eight to ten times for one-minute intervals during the identified time frame. Testing will include a series of short blasts known as “burps.” Emergency management officials and technicians will be conducting a number of system checks at that time to ensure everything is working properly.

The Lahaina Conservation Association’s (LCA) spokesperson Kimberly Hekili says that the test will disrupt the lives of many endangered animals, one of the most important of which is the Hawaiian monk seal. The official state mammal of Hawaii, the Hawaiian monk seal is one of the most critically endangered marine mammals in the world. According to NOAA estimates there are less than 500 left, with less than 50 calling the main islands home. With a breeding population residing near Lahaina, Hekili says we can’t afford to scare mothers away from their newborn pups. “These beautiful and rare creatures are one of the two mammal species native to Hawaii. They were here before people, and it’s our duty to ensure that they can continue to survive here. For the first time in decades, we have a group of seals using the waters and beaches in Lahaina as a nursery. They are already protected under the Endangered Species Act, and the Marine Mammal Protection Act, so we don’t understand the county’s decision to potentially scare these vital animals away. Times and technology have changed. With the ubiquitousness of ceremplants and smartphones, we don’t need a siren based alert system anymore than we need a city blacksmith.”

Other residents have concerns over the sirens as well. Noted author and Lahaina resident Kevin Morrow worries not only about startling the seals, but people too. He has started a petition to postpone the construction and testing of the alert system until the county addresses a number of misgivings.

“My major concern about this system is its potential to dramatically startle someone. We’ve all spilled or dropped something when we were startled. According to my extensive video research, many times these spills involve hot beverages and burns, as well as the destruction of valuable electronics. It has been proven that human beings make poor decisions while under stress and terrible decisions when they’re scared. If the county truly wants to help people during an emergency situation, they wouldn’t put them in a panic with a 135 dB scream during the middle of the night. I have provided the county a number of alternative sounds that could alert the public in a more responsible way: seabird calls, any standard ring tone, dogs barking, or ukelele music. Even a loud but calm voice saying something like, ‘Please be advised that something terrible is about to happen. We recommend that you immediately seek shelter in an orderly manner and await further instructions.’ I believe that any one of these alternatives will serve to alert the public, as well as avoid any unnecessary frightening.”

Pahili reiterates that the system is long overdue and counters, “We’ve consulted with a number of DLNR biologists who say that the tests will not have any negative impact on wildlife, including the monk seals. As far as Kevin Morrow goes, what we are most concerned about is the continued coverage the Lahaina Advertiser gives this man. There is a long history of the paper printing his misguided ideas and eccentric theories. We believe this exposure is not helpful to the public in general, or Mr. Morrow specifically.

STORYLINE

Automated Phixicom System Exposes Flaws, Displays Inappropriate Content During Festival

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Many attending the annual Capital Days celebration downtown, were exposed to a little more than they expected Saturday afternoon, when a new Phxicom presentation service malfunctioned displaying snippets of inappropriate videos to the assembled crowd. The incident happened during an appearance of noted author, and Lahaina native Kevin Morrow, who was promoting his newest book, “Aloha and You.” Officials say the adult-oriented videos and charts were only visible for a few minutes before the system was shutdown, however a number of official complaints have been filed. Phxicom says they are looking into the incident.

Commemorating Lahaina’s designation as the capital of the Kingdom of Hawaii in 1820, Capital Days is a celebration of heritage, history, and all things Hawaiian. Morrow was one of the first guest speakers booked by organizers this year. His most recent project, “Aloha and You” looks at the ancient beginnings of the Aloha spirit, examining how it penetrated into modern society, and the future of peace, love, and compassion. Because it is such a wide ranging topic, the author decided to make use of a new automated assistant service offered by Phxicom, and things quickly went down hill.

Promising to “change the way you prepare your presentations,” Presentmate Plus harnesses the power of Phxie, Phxicom’s AI, to offer real-time research and graphics to any speech or presentation. The service promises seamless integration of facts and figures, freeing up hours of tedious research and organizing slides, so presenters can just lay back and enjoy the ride, while the system does all the hard work.

Scott Parata, Phxicom’s Regional Operations Manager, says the system is terrific and is usually very reliable.

“Presentmate Plus is the future of public speaking. Phxie is able to research any subject and delve into vast stores of data much more quickly than is humanly possible. The system is completely neutral and non-partisan. It simply finds the perfect graphic or image for whatever you are addressing. No matter what your take on an issue, Presentmate Plus will find the information to back-up your position, and the figures and graphs to help sway your audience. Business is moving faster than ever, and the first to get out their ideas usually wins. Our system allows for complete, penetrating, professional quality presentations, leaving our customers completely satisfied. Unfortunately, in this toe curling case, something obviously went wrong. We apologize for anyone who was offended. We’re adding a number of protocols, and a safe word that will shut everything down in a hurry.”

Witnesses say that Morrow’s symposium on the Aloha Spirit was uneventful for the first few minutes with appropriate slides and images appearing behind him, but things soon heated up. Private emails between Kevin and ex-partners began to appear, “The whole thing went to hell pretty fast,” says George Harwell, a tourist visiting from St. Louis. “It started with old messages Kevin sent to his ex, asking for her back. To be honest they were pretty pathetic, lots of whining and promising to change. It was so embarrassing that I thought about turning away for a minute. I’m glad I didn’t! Then, charts about the STD rates in Maui over the last 20 years popped up, and some of the guy’s prescription information. People started laughing, and then the adult stuff came on. Most were of Morrow and his ex-wife. I guess some of those old emails worked. Morrow was screaming, “End Presentation!” over and over again, while trying to cover up the most graphic parts with his body and hands. Well, that just made it worse, people were doubled over laughing, and a few got mad and left. Finally, the video stopped and organizers began to apologize. I’m not sure if I know anything more about the aloha spirit than I knew before, but I do know I’m never going to use anything like Presentmate Plus at work or around decent company.”

Morrow says that he is disappointed that his message was overshadowed by the unfortunate incident, “It goes without saying that this was not what I meant by going out of your way to love all of your neighbors. I personally do not endorse or encourage the sorts of group activities that were on display behind me at the presentation.” Despite the obvious flaw in Phxicom’s technology, Morrow doesn’t completely blame the AI for the debacle. He says a faulty interface, and the system’s designers should shoulder the blame for the unfortunate incident.

“A clearly marked, and easy to use settings menu would have gone a long way here. With so much of our daily routines depending on technology, companies are pushing innovation faster and harder than ever, but that same vigor for new features doesn’t seem to be translating to basic user controls. If there were a “don’t display personal correspondence” or a “don’t play adult oriented video” box for me to click, I would have certainly done so. In fact, after careful review there are a number of troubling and salacious subjects that have no opt-out option in Presentmate Plus. If Phxicom had a more complete settings menu, or more prominent “Stop” button, I might have been able to end the obscene display and charts behind me, and people could have stopped recording the event quicker. I believe that this would have limited the number views of the YouTube video documenting my embarrassment, which stands at no less than 250,169 at this point.”

STORYLINE

How To Communicate the News About the Train Station In a Responsible Way

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Dear city council,

Like many in Lahaina, I was delighted when I heard about the inter-island rail project. Having an easy way to travel across the island and to Lanai seemed like a great idea, even considering the level of profanity that public transportation evokes. When I learned that Veilcorp was pulling out last year I was greatly concerned. Mayor Cravalho did an admirable job however of quickly spreading the news that the train might still run one day. Unfortunately, it appears now that the train won’t be traveling anywhere. My investigations have revealed that the train station has a new owner and we have a potential crisis on our hands. I’m talking of course about the crisis of excessive disappointment. We need to make sure our friends and neighbors are ready for it.

As a published amateur sociologist with 2 active blogs, I’ve devoted my life to identifying the ills of society. Many of you ignored my warnings about the increase in public profanity the radio tower would produce. I think we all know how that worked out. I can only hope that you listen more closely to my warnings about rampant disappointment.

My studies and observations have led me to believe that the displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations might be just as bad as swearing. Research has shown that when asked to rank words from “good” to “bad”, disappointment ranks consistently near the bottom. These investigations have further shown that a feeling of disappointment can drastically affect an individual’s behavior. I have some personal experience in this area.

As a child my parents would often forget to pick me up at scheduled times after events, a phenomenon that continues to this day. I can’t count how many times I’ve carpooled with a group only to be inexplicably left behind when it was time to go. I’m not sure what it is that makes it so easy for others to drive away without me, but the disappointment it caused has left its mark. I now try to drive myself everywhere and become very anxious whenever I ride with someone else. The last thing we need is an entire island wondering what to do with themselves because the possibility of taking a train ride home has been stripped from them.

Trains are romantic and good for the environment. There’s no doubt that Veil travel is the way to go if you’re traveling a long way, but for short trips there’s nothing like riding the rails. Trains are a great way to see the countryside and really experience a culture. Most countries see the value in a robust rail system and I know many on the island do too. A recent survey of 150 different countries has shown that the U.S. ranked 5th for being the most emotional country. Our emotional rivers are already swollen at the banks and I’m not sure what is going to happen if the city council unleashes a downpour of disappointment with the train news.

Things have already turned violent with the year long delay. I’ve been spending the last few months hiding near the empty station at night. I watch people walk by in order to gauge their level of disappointment and the emotional problems it causes. What I’ve found is eye-opening. I’ve been verbally assaulted and threatened on numerous occasions while crouched in the bushes. I was even attacked with pepper spray on one occasion while trying to follow a particularly raucous group who were wandering by. I was stunned at how quickly their laughter turned to screams and shouts. I wondered what had caused such a quick change in mood as I tried to wash out my eyes in the shadows. I’ve been all over this island and the people are generally kind and friendly. Why were they acting so differently at night near the train station, especially towards someone partially hidden in the foliage? Then a switch flipped in my head and the answer became clear: crushing disappointment.

I’m sure Vereserum is a fine company and will employ people, pay taxes, and all that, but will they be offering train rides? I highly doubt it. We need to get in front of this thing before word gets out. I don’t want to get bogged down in how I know about this deal before it has been made public. That’s not important right now. What is important is appropriate signage and a carefully crafted statement.

Luckily for you, I am willing to offer up my expertise and extensive knowledge of the human mind. I have a few ideas about the amount of smiley faces and other positive emoji’s to include in your official statement, and some font choices that I think will serve us well. Lahaina is supposed to be a friendly, beautiful place. Nobody wants to watch sad surfers or walk along a bitter beach. Disappointment can spread like a disease and we need to be the cure. If I work all night I can have my slides ready for your morning meeting. Let me know If I should stay home tonight and out of the bushes. I’m confident that together we can guide the people of Lahaina through this difficult time.

STORYLINE

Veilcorp Introduces “Catastrophe Pricing”

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There’s no doubt that losing a home to flood or fire can be devastating. Handling the logistics of finding housing, navigating insurance claims, and picking up the pieces of your life can be a daunting task and it seems like taking a vacation would be the last thing on your mind. However, Veilcorp is launching a new program that aims to convince you that it’s the perfect time to take a trip. “Catastrophe Pricing” offers travelers a chance to get away from it all at up to a 60% discount depending on the nature of your catastrophe.

Revolutionizing the way we travel, Veilcorp has never been shy about trying something new and interacting with its customers. After being born in Veilcorp’s main Lahaina hub in September 2038, Harrison Veil Lehmann was given free travel for the rest of his life. Veilcorp’s handling of mishap prone Robert Waldowski’s vacation earlier this year made national news and started an internal conversation according to spokesperson Lisa Hunt. “We were blown away by the response we got after Robert’s stingray attack and started talking about how we could help more people facing unusual or awful circumstances,” she says.

“We want to turn your worst day into one of your best. Catastrophe pricing is just our way of thanking our customers in a time of need. Putting a little space between you and whatever horrible event you’ve experienced is a great way to decompress and find a bit of joy in a trying time. We’re offering trips to five of the most beautiful locations on Earth, including right here in Lahaina at a 30%-60% discount depending on the specific disaster you’ve lived through. Whether it’s a house fire, flood, natural disaster, or even war, we want our customers to take a break for a while and enjoy what’s truly important, health, love, and family.”

While most of the public believes that Veilcorp’s heart is in the right place, many have expressed dismay at offering travel discounts to people who have just lost everything. Critics have called the scheme “sick” and even worse. Veilwatch founder Tim Durney says that the new program is an attempt to “…reshape society in Veilcorp’s image.”

“Anyone who’s been paying attention knows what this is really about. It’s a land grab. All 5 locations just happen to be in areas that are booming economically. It’s perfect for someone still reeling from disaster and looking for a new place to live. Veilcorp gets to pick from a new pool of talent who are vulnerable and at the same time leave areas already struggling from flood or fire ripe for the picking. It’s similar to what happened to certain inner-city areas early this century. Veilcorp convinces people to move and then goes in and buys huge chunks of land, sometimes whole neighborhoods, for its purposes. All while government agencies designed to protect citizens from these predatory practices look on and do nothing. We’re calling on Veilcorp to end this artificial sprawl and for government officials to do their job.”

Veilcorp vehemently denies Durney’s allegations calling them the “paranoid ramblings of a deeply obsessed individual.” While Durney has concerns about the areas left behind by these catastrophe travelers others worry about the areas they are visiting. Author and Lahaina native Kevin Morrow worries that the influx of traumatized people might hurt Maui’s aloha spirit.

“In my new book, “Are You Happy Now?” I explore the history of happiness and how fragile elation can be. Have you ever talked about a mass shooting at a wedding or award ceremony? Have you ever read a list of all of your grandmother’s friends who have passed away at her birthday party? If you have, you know how tenuous communal cheer and goodwill can be. Joy can turn to anger very quickly with the introduction of lists and the stark reality of disasters. I feel bad for these people that Veilcorp is brining to Lahaina, but we have to be careful that we don’t reach a tipping point. A few shakes of bitters is perfect in a Singapore Sling, but half a bottle is a nightmare for your mouth. How many people moping around the beach making lists of things that have to be done when they return home is too many? Is it 20? Is it 50 or 100? The point is we don’t know how many displaced people or bullet points it takes to start to strangle the aloha spirit we all enjoy. I suggest we do our best not to find out.”

STORYLINE

Baby Born In Veilstation Gifted Free Travel For Life

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Veilcorp has just given a newborn child a birthday gift that is going to be hard for his parents to beat. The company says it will award the boy free tickets for life after being born in the Lahaina veilstation. Harrison Veil Lehmann was born Saturday evening on a bench near the arrival gate after his mother went into premature labor. Thanks to the quick actions of the late night cleaning crew and a tattoo artist traveling to Maui, the baby was born healthy. Mother and child are now both safe and sound at home.

It was not the birth experience Sally Lehmann had planned. Returning from a visit to relatives on the mainland, she was looking forward to a quiet night at home with her husband who is an engineer working on the Hoku telescope. She began to feel strange about an hour before veiling to Lahaina. “I thought I was just having really bad cramps and couldn’t wait to get home and take a long warm bath. Everything was fine until I stepped out of the gateway. My water broke and I could tell that I didn’t have much time. I guess Harrison couldn’t wait either. I’m usually pretty level headed, but I lost it. The cleaning crew was great. They were calm and seemed to know what to do. Of course Rowan was the real hero, I can’t begin to thank him enough.”

Veilcorp says that the biometric scanning every traveler goes through before veiling catches many health and medical issues, including some of the signs of early labor, but they do occasionally happen. Officials say there have been around a dozen births inside various stations world-wide but this was a first for the Lahaina facility.

Company CEO and Veilcorp founder Eric Oeming says he couldn’t be more proud of the way his employees performed in an emergency and thought he’d give Harrison some help exploring the world since he, “seemed so eager to get out and take a look around.” In addition, the company plans on providing the altruistic artist 10 free trips to any destination of his choosing. Of course the date held special meaning for Oeming as well. “It was my daughter Alohi’s 8th birthday. My wife and I were in the kitchen eating some leftover cake when I was notified about what had happened. After I made sure everyone was alright, I started thinking about an appropriate gift. Since he was still a little too young for some cake, I figured a lifetime ticket to the veil would be a good alternative. I hope Harrison has fun exploring the world and starts taking it a little bit easier on his mom.”

Lehmann says she was touched and amazed at the company’s birthday gift, as well as the actions of its employees, but she says that fellow traveler Rowan Hardy was the real hero. A well-known tattoo and body artist, Rowan was visiting Maui for a short vacation when he noticed the commotion.

“I thought someone was having a brawl at first, but could see it was a woman in labor when I got closer. I started to call for help when I saw the head pop out and I knew we didn’t have time for all that. I grabbed my kit and tried to keep Sally reassured. Harrison was out in no time. I clamped off the umbilical with a couple of hemostats and let her cut the cord with my electrosurgical brand. By that time, paramedics had arrived and took her away. I appreciate the company’s gift to Harrison and I. I’d love to use some of my trips to have the whole family out to my studio at home. It was really something when he looked at me. I never felt a connection like that before. When I work with my clients I try connect closely with them in order to give them the body art that they need. This was something on a whole different level. It was my privilege to meet Harrison and his mother. I would be honored to give him his first full sleeve when he’s ready.”

Not everyone saw the event as joyous however. Local resident Kevin Morrow filed an official complaint with the Lahaina police calling the incident, “obscene”. According to his complaint,

“I had just picked up my nephew and was looking forward to our week together. We planned on watching one of nature’s most beautiful and thought provoking dramas, the hatching of the green sea turtles. Watching them digging through the sand with their little flippers before running a gauntlet of hungry seabirds and struggling in the surf is something to see. But when you watch the ease in which they swim out to sea after their initial fight, you understand what a beautifully delicate dance this thing we call life is. Instead of that magnificent show, we had a front row seat to the screaming horrors of childbirth. I wanted to expose my nephew to one of the wonders of nature not the disgusting act that unfolded on a bench in front of us. How am I supposed to explain this to my sister-in-law?”

STORYLINE

Man Blames Malfunctioning Privacy Setting for Million Dollar Vandalism Spree

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18-year-old Peter Kolohe was arraigned today for vandalising over a dozen businesses on Front Street, resulting in over a million dollars worth of damage. Thousands watched Kolohe over the weekend live stream his crimes and take “requests” about what to destroy next. However, according to his attorneys, it is that goading from the public, and the improperly functioning privacy setting in his Manimal X-eyez extreme vision app, that is truly responsible for his frenzy of destruction.

It all started on Saturday when Kolohe and some friends came upon a car parked over the lines in a community lot along Front street. The group decided to teach the car’s owner “a lesson on how to park.” It was at this point Peter decided to broadcast the “lesson” to his followers using his X-eyez app. Instead of broadcasting the tire slashing to a handful of friends however, a glitch in the app’s latest software update caused the video to be available to the public. Soon hundreds of people were watching and urging Kolohe to find other bad parkers.

Word spread quickly. More people began tuning into the livestream and suggesting other targets of retribution for Kolohe. For the next 4 hours, goaded on by those watching, the young man damaged over 20 vehicles and vandalized dozens of businesses. Peter’s crime spree became the most watched live stream in Hawaii for a few hours before authorities finally caught up to him.

According to the official report and those watching the arrest in real time, Kolohe told the police that he didn’t intend to openly broadcast his activities but was glad that he did because “there are a lot of people out there who think they can take advantage of others” and that he was just “handing out some karmic justice.”

In a brief statement released this morning, his attorneys say, “Peter will have to answer for his crimes, but Manimal must be held accountable too. It is clear that If not for this app and its faulty design, many store owners would not be talking to their insurance companies this morning.” Since it’s unveiling to the public a few months ago, the Manimal X-eyez app has received its fair share of criticism. Many safety and privacy advocates warned that the app would encourage risky or dangerous behavior, especially among children and teenagers. Kolohe’s actions over the weekend seem to give a bit a validity to those concerns.

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane disagrees.

“We made the X-eyez app so our fans could share their most intense adventures in the most hi-tech way possible with other Manimal lovers. We didn’t make it so you could share your most extreme acts of vandalism. Frankly, we are super bummed that this young man decided to use our technology this way. For the record, the problem with our software update that led to all streams being set to “Public” was fixed as soon as we became aware of the issue. We believe that using our app as an excuse for committing crimes is really lame. Let me be clear on this point, streaming your: jumps, dives, cool board tricks, and intense workouts is cool and what the app was meant for. Slashing tires, smashing windows, and destroying private property is for sure NOT cool. It’s not cool at all. In fact I’d say that Manimal itself is probably too intense for Peter and he should probably stick with less awesome drinks like seltzer water or apple juice.”

Yet, some critics disagree and insist that Manimal and society in general, must shoulder some of the blame. Lahaina resident and noted author about the dangers of a “streaming society”, Kevin Morrow says that Kane and company should have known how dangerous their product was. He says that many young men like Kolohe are powerless to resist bad influences from a group, and has named the condition, “Incitis”.

“Laws are based on commonly accepted norms and what society has deemed to be the rules necessary for civil interactions. But inside these streaming communities the norms can be quite different. Impressionable people can be easily influenced and can come to believe that everything being suggested is normal behavior. Many people laughed when I warned of the societal dangers the radio tower would bring. Those problems pale in comparison when you look at the effects of incitis on the psyche. It was bad enough when people were just playing games live, but now that life streaming is becoming more common, the lines between games and reality can become blurry. We should consider ourselves lucky that a confused Peter didn’t don a breastplate and rampage through the streets looking for armor upgrades or steal a high-end sports car and race around Lahaina trying to win some sort of fictitious achievement. In my opinion, we started our journey down this slippery slope months ago, when the X-eyez app was released to an unprepared public.”

STORYLINE

Workers Using Veilcorp Public Parking As Co-Working Space

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Lahaina is booming and the ever increasing cost of office space has many entrepreneurs turning to unconventional ways to save money. Every day dozens of workers are now using Veilcorp’s spacious public parking lots as makeshift co-working spaces. The practice has raised questions about car-centric city design in the age of veil travel, and the high cost of living in West Maui. Veilcorp says they don’t condone the practice, and are taking steps to remove anyone found doing business in the lots. Those working between the lines say they are not breaking any laws, and are leading a public space revolution.

It’s a typical Monday morning in Lahaina and the long term parking lots at Veilcorp’s flagship facility are starting to fill up. While some will soon find themselves thousands of miles away on pleasure trips, an increasing number are staying put for business. Veilcorp’s extended parking lots are becoming one of the hottest business and networking spots on the island.

Most work and plan from the comfort of their car, but by lunch, dozens are taking calls from clients while sitting in folding chairs, using card tables and in some cases coolers, for tables. The air is filled with the smells of food cooking from a communal grilling area someone has set-up in area F. The whole scene is more reminiscent of a family reunion than a high pressure boardroom, and that according to Veilcorp spokesperson Lisa Hunt is the problem. “It has become a safety issue and it has to come to an end,” she says.

“The problem has gotten way out of hand. We’ve seen people fight over their favorite “office” spaces, and even a case where someone set their car on fire trying to grill in their back seat. There are people talking on their phones or ceremplants wandering out into traffic, and people running over office supplies while trying to park. We understand that it’s hard to find affordable space in Lahaina but using our parking lot is not a viable option. Our public network is free and accessible to everyone inside at one of our many cafes. Unfortunately we’ve a hard time convincing some of these people to leave our lots for our lounges.”

One such lot lover is Gary Puniwale. Gary says he appreciates Hunt’s position but says he plans to keep using the lot to conduct his business. He says, “The long term lot may not be the most breathtaking spot on the island but it easily beats sitting in a cubicle under fluorescent lights all day.” Gary says that he’s been working from the lot for a few weeks, and thinks it’s time for the public and city planners to rethink their car-centric view of utilizing space.

“We live in a time where cars are becoming less and less important to many people. If you look at an aerial view of any city it’s hard not to notice how much space is taken up by parking lots. It just makes sense that we start opening up some of these valuable areas for the public good. Since Veilcorp is directly responsible for this shift in how we all get from one place to another, I think it’s fitting that they are at the front of this new workspace revolution, even if they don’t want to lead the charge. The truth of the matter is that the lot is awesome! The price can’t be beat and the speed of the public Veilcorp network is comparable to what I was getting from my old ISP. To me, working from the parking lot has been a revelation. I just hope we can come to some kind of agreement with Veilcorp because I don’t think I can make it through a meeting unless I get to do a little tailgating at the same time now.”

While both sides seem to be entrenched in their positions, local author and amateur sociologist Kevin Marrow claims he has a solution to the problem that can make both parties happy. “After a deep dive into the socioeconomic factors and safety issues at play here, I’ve written a manual that addresses everyone’s concerns, and can work as a roadmap to cooperation in the future,” he says.

“My manual, “A Lot of Rules” is a comprehensive guide of best practices for turning any parking lot into a safe work environment. In addition to covering all the forms of harassment and unacceptable actions one might expect in your typical workplace, A Lot of Rules answers many lot-specific questions and offers numerous illustrated guidelines. I cover how to safely grill in your car, with rules like always keeping a window open. I give tips on: how to stay aware of moving vehicles when you’re in a meeting, a list of common office products that can absorb oil or other automotive fluids, why you should always share food if you cook out in the open, and what to do when a coworker keeps stretching their legs over the painted lines and into your spot. I’m trying to create a good parking lot culture and a HR handbook that works for everyone doing business in a parking space. If they would only start responding to my inquiries, I’m sure Veilcorp would see the wisdom and solutions held inside my blue binder.”

STORYLINE

We Shouldn’t be Building a Radio Tower in Lahaina

I’m not sure I have the words to properly convey my disappointment at the short-sightedness and derision that I experienced last night at the radio tower meeting. It is a shame that a person can’t be forgiven for past mistakes (even if they were very well intentioned) and that nobody seemed interested in heeding my warnings.

You may not have recognized me at first, but you all seemed to remember my most famous diversion program, Thug-Hugs. All anyone wanted to talk about was the negative coverage we got, or the jokes on late night TV. What you and many others failed to understand was that the program would have been a huge success if it hadn’t been for the incident at the bus stop. The world may not have been ready for surprise hugs from formerly incarcerated strangers but it needs to hear my message about the dangers of profanity.

As an amatuer sociologist I’ve devoted my life to identifying the ills of society. That is how I became aware of the sickness of swearing brought on by extreme activities. I was trying to enjoy myself with my nephew at an amusement park but I found it impossible because of the language I was hearing. Every trip on the roller coaster burned my ears as profanity mixed with the screams and laughter. I firmly but politely informed everyone around me that I didn’t appreciate the coarse language and would call the police if it didn’t stop. Instead of solving the problem, I was surprised to find that my words fell on deaf ears. In fact, the profanity seemed to increase and the general mood turned dark. Something was making all the people around me agitated and I was determined to figure out what it was.

The bad language seemed to spread through the park and it began to have have a negative effect on my experience. I overheard a young lady say, “I think that f***ing weirdo from the roller coaster is following us around and writing down everything we say!” Soon after her boyfriend turned on me, threatening physical violence while calling me every name in the book. Then things got worse, as the confrontation made my nephew cry and he demanded that I take him home. I was dumbfounded as to how we had found ourselves in this situation. I was simply trying to study the phenomena I had experienced on the roller coaster. Now everyone was yelling and I began to feel something build up inside me. I looked my nephew in the eyes and called him an “ungrateful shit” before marching out of the park and to my car.

The silence of the ride home was illuminating to me. What had caused me to snap like that? What had caused the discord on the roller coaster? Why did the young lady and her companion become so angry when I was collecting data? What one thing did all those situations have in common? Then it hit me. It was the profanity.

I began watching as many roller coaster videos as I could. I discovered that if I listened close enough I could hear profanity in almost every one, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. I would soon discover that the amount of swearing involved in extreme sports videos was titanic. The base language used in base jumping videos was particularly bad. While there would be an occasional off-color remark in bike jumping or a scuffle between skateboarders, the profane parachuters took the problem to a whole new level. The F-bombs flew as they fell towards the ground defying trespassing laws and common decency. I wondered what might have happened if that girl at the park and her friends had been base jumpers. The thought made me shudder.

Words shape your reality, and bad words lead to bad outcomes. I could come to no other conclusion. Backed with anecdotal evidence and a small video library of examples, I went to the meeting in order to warn you. Towers lead to base jumping. Base jumping leads to profanity. Profanity leads to your sister-in-law forbidding you from seeing your nephew, or worse. Most people are blissfully unaware of the ramifications of having a tall structure erected in their town, but I’m not most people. I urge my neighbors and our community to please listen to my words of warning and halt construction of this tower before it’s too late.