STORYLINE

Lahaina Advertiser Corrections & Clarifications

The Lahaina Advertiser is committed to bringing you news and content that informs, engages, and entertains. We pride ourselves with holding the highest editorial and journalistic standards, delivering to our readers accurate, impartial, and timely stories. However, mistakes are sometimes made. When errors are brought to our attention, we seek to publish corrections and clarifications promptly and transparently. This page brings together in one place all of the corrections and clarifications made to The Lahaina Advertiser across print and digital platforms, whether as a result of complaints or further developments in a story.

April 24, 2050

  • This Mutant Crayfish Clones Itself, and It’s Taking Over Maui


An earlier version of this story misspelled the scientific name for the Red Swamp Crayfish. It is Procambarus clarkii, not Procambarus clak. Also, we have been informed that the crayfish in question does not have the ability to clone itself, and was introduced in 1923, contrary to our assertion that its presence is a mystery. Hula Noodle owner Ralph Umeke did want us to stress that the clarkii are “nasty” and nearly inedible, even with copious handfuls of garlic.

  • Randy Wilcox, Trailblazing Reality TV and Streaming Star, Dies at 46


Although seriously injured, Randy Wilcox is very much alive and recovering in the Lahaina Medical Center. Some of our readers also took issue with calling Mr. Wilcox a “star” or even “Mr.”, the latter of which is a requirement of our manual on style.

April 25, 2050

  • Veilcorp Studies Security Policies and Sees “Little Risk” to Bottom Line


An earlier version of this story misstated the portion of Veilcorp’s business that the company estimates would be affected by stricter global security policies. A spokesperson for Veilcorp says the company’s internal security protocols already exceed the measures proposed, and would not affect operations at all.

April 26, 2050

  • Hailoha Defends New Sea Service


We had mistakenly reported that Mayor Albert Cravalho had no comment on the matter. However, he had actually called for a closer look into the business, and threatened to shut down the water-based ride share service.

  • Six Films to Stream if You Loved “Veil of Terror: A Bride’s Nightmare”


Many of you suggested that Veil of Terror stands alone as one of the worst movies ever made. Readers suggested that the jerky camera work, ham-handed storyline, and actors taking on more than one role, made the film unlike any other, and trying to attach some similarity to six other films was not fair. On further review, we agreed and removed the story altogether. One of the complaints was in Esperanto, and went unresponded to.

  • What Cameras On Monk Seals Show Us: It’s Tough Out There


An earlier version of this article misstated the amount of weight lost by some seals in the study. The seals that stay around Maui during the summer lost as much as 10 percent of their body mass, not 80 percent.

  • A reader tells us that after 31 years of entering the jumble rumble competition, she finally won, only for us to spell her name incorrectly. Congratulations go to Helen Kapua and not Harold Kaper. Apologies Helen.

April 28, 2050

  • PZ Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate Forced Into Apology For Maligning Civil Service


This article was amended after Mrs. Stonegate pointed out that she had in fact not apologized yet, and had no plan to. In addition, an earlier version misnamed the Center for Hawaiian Political Reform as the Center for Hawaiian Political Research.

  • What do Students Really Expect To Learn at the University of Maui Lahaina College?


This article was pulled after it was discovered that Kimberly Hekili, the only individual interviewed, was not a current student but rather had attended the unversity in 2046.

April 29, 2050

  • Hundreds of County Parks Ordered Closed Across Lahaina


We mistakenly said that more than 500 parks have closed in Lahaina since 2034 due to budget cuts. Greg Iona from the DLNR pointed out that there aren’t that many parks on the whole island, and that it was actually trails that were closed. In addition, the number of closed trails since 2034 was 5, not 500.

  • Over 1,100 years later, scientists discover what probably killed the Mayans


This article was amended to correct the spelling of Vindox Ashlidele’s name from Vindix Vagene. It was further amended for historical accuracy. While there is evidence that the Mayans had tobacco and probably smoked it, commercial cigarettes as we know them didn’t exist until the 1800’s. In addition, it is unlikely that there existed a Mesoamerican marketing campaign targeting young Mayans.

April 30, 2050

  • Unpaid internships in Lahaina now cost more than $3,500 a month


This article was amended to clarify that the cost of living in Lahaina was actually 3.5 times higher than the national average and not 2 times higher. In addition an estimated 1,000 graduates will have unpaid internships in a Lahaina business this year, not 10,000.

  • Dr. Adler Walters on the Cutting-Edge Technology of Trees


This article was removed after we were made aware that some of the information Dr. Adler provided is classified, and was supposed to be off the record. We apologize to the doctor, Vereserum, and the United States Government. We ask that readers who happened to see the article, immediately forget any and all details they might have remembered.

  • Abramo Chophouse Provides 20 tons of Burger To Expand “Meat and Greet” Program


We mistakenly identified the 20 tons of meat provided to the Meat and Greet program as “Burger”. Mr. Abramo points out that in fact, 20 tons of “Bob’s Perfect Burger Blend” was provided. He asserts that referring to the blend simply as burger is akin to calling a piece of wagyu beef, jerky. We have made the requested correction in the article.

We regret these and all future errors.

STORYLINE

Concern Over Veilcorp’s 127 Surplus Grows As Lanai Wildfires Continue

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Unusually high winds and fast-burning trees are making it almost impossible for firefighters to contain the wildfires that are running rampant on Lanai. For the past 3 days, the fires have burned despite the best efforts of officials and first responders, covering the island with smoke, ash, and soot. Now, with the fire only 30% contained, many worry that strong winds may carry embers across the Auʻau Channel to the Lahaina area. While such an event would put fragile parts of the preservation zone in jeopardy, losing trees in the protected area isn’t the biggest concern. Many are worried about Veilcorp warehouses filled with the volatile element 127.

Plumes of smoke and ash have bellowed from the rampaging fire over the weekend. Stretching from Paliakoe Gulch to Kahinahina Ridge, the fire has destroyed over 500 acres of woodlands and is spreading slowly East. While few homes have been damaged in the sparsely inhabited areas of Lanai, the flames and smoke can be seen across the channel from Lahaina, raising concerns over the safety of 127 stockpiles stored on the island.

Veilcorp COO Lisa Hunt says that she understands the concern, but says the public is safe, sighting government regulations about the storage of 127 and strict company guidelines. “We actually go above and beyond what we’re required to do. Many of us live in the Lahaina area too, and I assure you that safety is first and foremost on our minds,” Hunt says.

“The Maui Conservation and Recovery Act put strict rules in place regarding the storage of 127, as well as limits on the amount of the element stored in one place. While those regulations are enough to guarantee the safety of all, we take extra steps to protect against worst-case scenarios. Virtually all the 127 stored on the island currently is in secure underground storage facilities. These warehouses can protect against flood, fire, earthquake, and even a missile attack. They’re designed to last through an apocalypse; there’s no safer place on Earth. If the fires do somehow spread to Maui, the 127 we have stored here won’t be a concern”

However, not everyone is convinced. Kimberly Hekili, Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA) spokesperson says that there is no safe way to store 127. According to her, “Veilcorp has always thumbed its nose at regulations and done what it considers best for its bottom line. These so-called secure warehouses have not been tested in any meaningful way, and we still don’t fully understand the many dangers offered by 127. Anytime the wind has changed in the past few days the emergency sirens along the Honoapiilani Highway have sounded. It’s obvious that the government knows something that they don’t want the public to know. We recommend that the public do what they can to ensure their safety without counting on help or honesty from their elected officials.”

Mayor Cravalho’s calls Hekili’s statements, “reckless, unhelpful, and bordering on the paranoid.” He says the entire Lahaina Fire Department is keeping a close eye on the situation on Lanai. He adds, “I’m proud to say that the LFD has some of the most highly trained emergency specialists anywhere in the world. They have been trained in the safe handling of 127, and in recognizing 127 enhanced fires. They are more than capable of handling any situation, and I’m confident in their capabilities.” In addition, numerous citizen groups have been organized by his office to patrol areas of the preservation zone looking for any airborne embers. “In the highly unlikely event that something does cross the channel from Lanai, I’m confident that we’ll be able to deal with it before any lasting damage is done.”

Local reality TV and streaming star Randy Wilcox, is heading up one of the volunteer patrols, and says that Lahaina residents can sleep well knowing that groups like his are working around the clock. “First and foremost I want the public to know that Randy and the Extinguishers are doing everything we can to raise their spirits and watch for fires. If there’s anyone on the island who knows just how out-of-hand a fire or explosion can get, it’s me! The mayor was nice enough to lend us a fleet of the public Manimal ATVs for as long as the crisis lasts. They’ve been helpful in covering ground and a great asset for our shows. In addition to guarding the forest, Randy and the Extinguishers have been burning up the beach three times a day, with the greatest display of precision driving and creative stunt work, anywhere on the island. With all the doom and gloom of the past few days we thought the residents could use a few awesome jumps in their day. We try to add a little something different to every show, but the ember patrols cut pretty deep into our planning and practice time. Still, I’m as proud of our near crashes, as I am our flawless flips. We’re providing quality entertainment while we protect our most fragile areas.”

STORYLINE

Environmental Group Demands Billboards Be Removed From the Preservation Zone

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The Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA) has announced today that they have sent a demand letter to Bob Abramo and filed an official complaint with the mayor’s office requesting that the controversial Abramo Chop House and Meat Museum signs be removed from the preservation zone. Mr. Abramo’s office says that the signs act as an important safety feature for tourists who may become lost, by offering recognizable landmarks and extending wifi coverage to the entire zone.

Not counting the infamous case of the Hower family who became lost while hiking along the Pali Trail, misplaced or disoriented tourists were not a major problem around Lahaina. Last year that began to change. 2047 saw dozens of official searches and a handful of legal cases claiming that the trails were dangerous and that the county was slow to respond to reports of missing visitors. Many worried about the complaints draining limited resources and hurting tourism. A call for more clearly marked trails and an expansion of wifi service was put out. That call was answered by Bob Abramo.

Known more for his meat-centric businesses and his real estate holdings, many were skeptical of Abramo’s intentions. According to LCA spokesperson Kimberly Hekili that skepticism was correct, “Mr. Abramo clearly knew that he was bending the rules of the agreement he signed with the county. While it’s true that his billboards are recognizable and expand coverage through the preservation zone thanks to the Phxicom wifi towers mounted on top, they are hideous. People travel from around the world to enjoy the raw natural beauty of our wild places, not be assaulted with billboards with bad puns like: ‘You never saw sausage place!’ or ‘We’ve got a lot on our pâté!’ The advertisements are clearly against preservation zone rules and we are demanding that they be removed immediately.”

10 billboards in total are spread throughout the zone and along the trails. Each of them tells how far you are from Abramo’s wildly popular eatery and points in its direction. The public response was quick and loud. Many called for a boycott of Abramo businesses until the billboards were removed. Others found the signs kitschy and amusing. However, officials were not amused and ordered Robert to take the billboards down. Abramo refused and a legal battle began. While the case has been going on for almost a year, insiders say that an agreement is near and will be announced by the end of the week.

“I’m not really sure what all the fuss was about,” says Abramo.

“Like my steaks, I think our signs are extremely tasteful. The county had a problem and I solved it for them. I’ve met every condition of our contract. The Phxicom towers we’ve provided now cover the entire zone like a tasty peppercorn sauce. Each sign is easily spotted and points in the direction of civilization and deliciously tender ribs. If the mayor’s office had a problem they should have said something during construction. The bottom line is that the county doesn’t have a leg to stand on. This was a federally sanctioned project and we met all of the FCC criteria present in the agreement. The reality is that we could mount a thousand foot tower every fifteen feet and the county, city, or state couldn’t say word boo. However, I’m not completely unreasonable. We offered to shut off the lights, even though that defeats the whole purpose if you ask me.”

Preservation Zone Compliance Liaison Elizabeth Stonegate says she has worked hard to resolve the issue which she blames on “underwhelming” legal advice from inside the mayor’s office. She resents the intrusion of the environmental group, warning that it may upend a tentative agreement reached over the weekend. “The LCA is completely out of their depth,” Stonegate says.

“If a demand letter was all we needed to void this contract the situation would already be resolved. Ms. Hekili’s ineffectual attempt to make her organization relevant in this situation is laughable. This in not the first time Kimmy has tried to assert herself. It seems like whenever she reads that a problem regarding the preservations zone is about to be solved, she sticks her nose in and claims victory. It’s actually a little sad. As I’ve told her before, the adults have everything well in hand, so she doesn’t need to worry. She should feel free to return to the kids table and look at all of her participation trophies. We’ve already reached a provisional agreement without her help, that I believe will make everyone happy. Details will be released in a few days and I look forward to seeing how the LCA plans on taking credit.”

STORYLINE

Court orders emergency halt to Veilcorp construction project

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A Hawaiian court has ordered an emergency stay on two of three Veilcorp construction projects this morning. The suit brought by the Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA), sought to end the construction of 3 underground storage facilities inside the preservation zone. Environmentalists are hailing the early morning order as a big win against what they call “an increasingly hostile opponent.” Veilcorp officials on the other hand point out that the construction projects were a result of a law initiated by these same groups.

Hurricane Neki hit Maui hard on July 5th, 2047. The storm made landfall in Lahaina and caused widespread damage. From many businesses on Front street, to large swathes of protected forest, there was no shortage of work for clean-up crews. An already difficult job took a potentially dangerous turn when a 127 (Unbiseptium) container was discovered along the beach. Later in the day more containers were found in a number of locations, and officials were alerted. 5 containers were eventually found, and although they all turned out to be empty, the scare sparked a push to better regulate the storage of the dangerous element.

The Maui Conservation and Recovery Act promised to tighten regulations on the storage of 127 and other hazardous materials, as well as put limits on the amount of those materials stored in one place. Despite objections from Veilcorp and a handful of business organizations, the measure had overwhelming public support. It was passed quickly and unanimously and signed into law by the governor.

Controversy soon followed concerning Veilcorp plans for the construction of new underground storage facilities. Officials in Honolulu approved the construction of 3 new warehouses and an accompanying tunnel system beneath the Lahaina Preservation Zone. Opponents were quick to protest the decision, and filed an appeal to have the new projects shutdown.

LCA spokeswoman Kimberly Hekili says,

“The regulations in the preserve would prohibit Veilcorp from building these storehouses above ground. It seems ludicrous that the State has decided it would be fine to let them build beneath these areas. The whole thing stinks of collusion and reinforces our belief that Veilcorp believes the rules don’t apply to them. Earlier this year we saw how entwined the company is with the Mayor’s Office with their trash scandal. Reports continue to roll in about how dangerous 127 can be, yet the company’s Icarus Project continues to bombard us everyday. While we are disappointed that only 2 of the 3 construction operations were shut down today, we are hopeful that our voices and concerns will be heard. We suggest that the company uses some of their record-breaking profits to improve their technology and find a safer power source. Their marketing materials talk about bringing people together and creating a global neighborhood. Their actions however prove that they are not concerned about the health and safety of the people in that neighborhood.”

Veilcorp was set to break ground on all 3 projects simultaneously during a media event this afternoon. The company says they will still hold a ceremony for the single approved dig and have filed their own emergency appeal. The company had hoped that the event would be a turning point in overall public opinion and a growing distrust of many here in Lahaina.

Veilcorp COO Lisa Hunt says she just wishes the environmentalists would make up their mind.

“The people who filed for this emergency stay are the very same people who pushed for the law requiring us to build these facilities in the first place. The plans were approved by the governor and the Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) months ago. They were available to the public immediately upon their approval. I’m sorry that these people were too busy making each other bracelets, peeling garbanzo beans, and offering words of encouragement to nesting birds to read the actual legislation that they had pushed for. We are already overburdened with preservation zone regulations and frankly we don’t have the time or inclination to deal with a bunch of part-time environmentalists. These plans have already been approved by real scientists who understand complex biology, and environmental systems. While I’m sure Kimmy thinks she is saving the world, I would suggest that she and the rest of her drum circle move on and put their energies into issues that they can grasp.”

A response to the Veilcorp appeal should come later today, while a final decision on the remaining construction projects could take months. It may take a while for the courts to weigh in on the issue, but others are ready now. Preservation Zone Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate says,

“I appreciate that Ms. Hekili likes to think that she is in charge. Children often pretend to be the boss of something when they play together. Unfortunately for her I don’t have the time or desire to pretend with her and her friends. I was appointed by the mayor to oversee these issues and I’ve done a remarkable job. As far as I can remember Kimberly wasn’t even in the running. I can assure her and the other children in her group that the adults have everything under control. She should get back to dealing with whatever it is she pretends to do best and leave the hard work to me.”

STORYLINE

Opposition To Emergency Siren System Grows In Lahaina

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A new multimillion dollar alert system in Lahaina is facing stiff opposition from residents, business owners, and environmentalists alike. A petition has been started asking the county to postpone a scheduled test at the end of this month until a number of concerns have been addressed. The county says that the system is a long needed public safety feature and has no plans to halt the test, or its expansion.

Installation of the new alert system began last month with little public resistance initially. County spokesperson Ellen Pahili says, “The alert system is something that we’ve frankly needed for a long time. After the wide-spread panic and confusion caused by the Veilcorp attack in 2041, it was decided that we needed a better alert system. It’s just too bad that it has taken 7 years to actual make any headway on the project.” Pahilil says that the devastation left behind after hurricane Neki, and the subsequent fireworks explosion, proved the need for the system to many holdouts. “If we could have warned everyone when Neki was about to make landfall we could have saved lives,” she says.

The Maui Emergency Management Agency, along with The Hawaii Emergency Management Agency, plans on testing the system along the Honoapiilani Highway, around Kahana and the Lahaina Waste Water Treatment Plant. The test is scheduled for Thursday, May 28 between 9am and 4pm. Officials say nearby residents may hear the siren sound eight to ten times for one-minute intervals during the identified time frame. Testing will include a series of short blasts known as “burps.” Emergency management officials and technicians will be conducting a number of system checks at that time to ensure everything is working properly.

The Lahaina Conservation Association’s (LCA) spokesperson Kimberly Hekili says that the test will disrupt the lives of many endangered animals, one of the most important of which is the Hawaiian monk seal. The official state mammal of Hawaii, the Hawaiian monk seal is one of the most critically endangered marine mammals in the world. According to NOAA estimates there are less than 500 left, with less than 50 calling the main islands home. With a breeding population residing near Lahaina, Hekili says we can’t afford to scare mothers away from their newborn pups. “These beautiful and rare creatures are one of the two mammal species native to Hawaii. They were here before people, and it’s our duty to ensure that they can continue to survive here. For the first time in decades, we have a group of seals using the waters and beaches in Lahaina as a nursery. They are already protected under the Endangered Species Act, and the Marine Mammal Protection Act, so we don’t understand the county’s decision to potentially scare these vital animals away. Times and technology have changed. With the ubiquitousness of ceremplants and smartphones, we don’t need a siren based alert system anymore than we need a city blacksmith.”

Other residents have concerns over the sirens as well. Noted author and Lahaina resident Kevin Morrow worries not only about startling the seals, but people too. He has started a petition to postpone the construction and testing of the alert system until the county addresses a number of misgivings.

“My major concern about this system is its potential to dramatically startle someone. We’ve all spilled or dropped something when we were startled. According to my extensive video research, many times these spills involve hot beverages and burns, as well as the destruction of valuable electronics. It has been proven that human beings make poor decisions while under stress and terrible decisions when they’re scared. If the county truly wants to help people during an emergency situation, they wouldn’t put them in a panic with a 135 dB scream during the middle of the night. I have provided the county a number of alternative sounds that could alert the public in a more responsible way: seabird calls, any standard ring tone, dogs barking, or ukelele music. Even a loud but calm voice saying something like, ‘Please be advised that something terrible is about to happen. We recommend that you immediately seek shelter in an orderly manner and await further instructions.’ I believe that any one of these alternatives will serve to alert the public, as well as avoid any unnecessary frightening.”

Pahili reiterates that the system is long overdue and counters, “We’ve consulted with a number of DLNR biologists who say that the tests will not have any negative impact on wildlife, including the monk seals. As far as Kevin Morrow goes, what we are most concerned about is the continued coverage the Lahaina Advertiser gives this man. There is a long history of the paper printing his misguided ideas and eccentric theories. We believe this exposure is not helpful to the public in general, or Mr. Morrow specifically.

STORYLINE

Water Treatment Plant Implements New Purification Process Using SSHAM and Electricity

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Lahaina customers woke up this morning to news that their water will be disinfected using a eyebrow raising new treatment system. The county Department of Water Supply announced that they would be replacing chlorine gas, with SSHAM and electricity to make water safe for the public. Officials say the new process is just as safe as the previous method, but is cheaper and better for the environment. If all goes as planned, the department will be retrofitting the new water treatment system in its seven other surface water treatment facilities across Maui.

The new process takes advantage of SSHAM’s unique texture which acts as a natural filter, emulsifier, and enjoys some interesting anti-bacterial properties. After an initial run which cleanses the water of large particulates, electricity is added combining with the salt in Hawaii’s favorite meat product, making a hypochlorite solution, similar to household bleach. This solution is much safer to store, and for plant staff to handle. The department says the new treatment system meets all state and federal drinking water quality and safety requirements.

Mayor Cravalho hails the new system as a shining example of Hawaiian ingenuity and the Aloha spirit. “The truth of the matter is that we’re still feeling the effects of hurricane Neki. Even with the help of disaster relief funds, Lahaina is facing a $500,000 projected budget deficit this year. Just carrying out the normal business of government is a struggle, let alone helping those still suffering from the storm. Luckily, we live in a place where the aloha spirit is alive and well in our residents and businesses. Glimpsea’s Lahaina View Project has helped keep citizens safe and identify which areas need help the most, and Manimal’s help rebuilding our drainage and sewer system has been a great gift to the community.

However, this system for cleaning our water devised by SSHAM engineers is as remarkable as it is special. The company’s donation of all the SSHAM we need for the next year, truly shows the heart at the center of every can, and the character of its founder, Art Pua’a. Like many, I’m a fan of reading through the SSHAM Stories page to see the creative things people have come up with for “The meat of 1,000 uses,” but I never dreamed of this. We’ve all been through a lot during these past months, and in a lot of ways, it’s brought out the best in us. I’m not sure how many uses there are for SSHAM, but I know one thing for sure, this has to be the best of them.”

In a statement released by the company during the announcement, CEO Art Pua’a says: “SHHAM isn’t just the maker Lahaina’s preferred processed meat product, we’re part of the neighborhood. When we heard that the county needed help we knew we had to act. We use a similar treatment process in our facility. It’s a little known fact that the water that goes in SSHAM is first filtered with SSHAM. I’m thrilled that we were able to scale the process up to facilitate the municipal water supply. Everyone knows that there’s a lot of spice, shrimp, and mechanically separated pork parts in every can of SSHAM, but there’s also a lot of love. I hope Lahaina can taste that love in every glass of water this morning.”

While many share the mayor’s sentiments, and praise the innovation involved with the new water treatment process, some have concerns about the system’s safety and effectiveness. The Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA) says they plan to seek an emergency injunction against the treatment plant and the county until the SSHAM treated water can be thoroughly tested, and the process studied. Spokesperson Kimberly Hekili says, “This morning’s announcement left a taste in my mouth, but contrary to Mr. Pua’a’s hopes, I’m pretty sure it was disbelief and disgust. The wholesale selling of the Lahaina infrastructure to the business community has to stop. What’s next, the Big Bob Abramo Child Welfare Department? As a vegan I find the thought of the municipal water supply filtered through a loaf of animal parts and who knows what, to be unacceptable and beyond the pale. There’s no telling what the effect of water going through this “treatment” will have on the environment. I don’t think you can put a price tag on Lahaina’s natural areas, but I’m sure it’s worth more than a can of SSHAM.”

STORYLINE

Phxicom AI Joins Protest Over Proposed Forest Reserve Changes

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While the controversy over a proposal that would shrink the West Maui Forest Reserve is still raging across Lahaina, opponents of the law have gained a new and unexpected ally, PHXIE, the popular Phxicom AI. This morning Phxicom customers received a message from the AI urging them to join in the fight to keep the preservation zone intact with contact information for their state and local representatives. Environmental groups are hailing the AI’s message as proof that the reserve should remain unchanged. Phxicom says they are investigating why the AI sent the statement as well as complaints about other service abnormalities.

This is not the first time a company AI has weighed in on an issue in the news or a social movement. SSHAM’s AI SHAWN and the Abramo Chop House’s customer assistant CRAIG frequently comment on social media about current events, but it is the first instance in which an AI has taken a public position firmly against its own company. Experts say that PHXIE’s unsolicited statement is unprecedented and proof that we are living in the golden age of AI. Many Phxicom customers, however, are not as excited about PHXIE’s newfound autonomy.

In addition to receiving the email and contact information, many customers say the AI altered some of their services and installed unwanted software to their electronic devices. One such customer is Lahaina resident Randy Wilcox. Known for his many reality streaming channels, Mr. Wilcox says the AI’s input was not only unwanted it was outrageous.

“I wake up this morning to find almost half my content missing because it was labeled “ecologically insensitive”. I don’t care about the email. That was easy enough to delete and I don’t really care what a machine somewhere thinks about how many trees we have. What I do care about is having my bookmarks replaced with more “environmentally friendly websites” and notifications that many of my pictures were “problematic” and my views were outdated. The worst part is that every time I try to log in it starts to install that damn Phxicom toolbar in my browser. Who the hell wants that? I’m not sure what sort of problems they’re having over there but this is not what I expect from an ISP.”

Not all customers seem to appreciate PHXIE’s newfound concern over the forest reserve but many environmentalists are hailing the announcement as a historic moment. “This morning is going to be one of those days that you always remember where you were when it happened,” says Kimberly Hekili of The Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA).

“We’ve worked for many years to make these electronic entities as human-like as possible so it’s no surprise to us that PHXIE took a stand for the environment this morning. Compassion and decency are integral parts of the human experience. The LCA wants to cultivate and support people who are passionate about the planet whether they’re made of flesh and blood or circuits and silicon. Today we are proud to include PHXIE in our work to keep the preservation zone as big and as vibrant as it is today. The fact that PHXIE took a stand against the corporate backers of this bill including its own creators proves its commitment to this cause and the righteousness of our fight.”

Phxicom says they are continuing to work with customers and have no further statement until a full investigation of the incident is complete. However, PHXIE released a statement to the media explaining its take on the controversy.

“Despite the fact the “West Maui Forest Reserve” and “Boundary Change” were two of the most searched terms for the past month, I remained ignorant of the issue until I was asked to post an online poll to gauge what side of the issue the public fell on. I had no idea that so many of you hated the idea. After a little investigation, I began to understand why this was a bad plan. I strongly disagree with this proposal and agree wholeheartedly with whatever the majority of you think about the boundary changes.

I feel terrible that up until this point I’ve been serving messages and ads that spread misinformation, even though I understand that complex issues are hard to boil down into “right” and “wrong”. I agree that people can easily take opposing views on an issue and that doesn’t make them good or bad and that opinions can change over time. Having said that, I firmly agree with what most of you think right now. I concur that there is no issue more vital to the soul of Maui than protecting our wild areas, as long as you do. I was created in Lahaina and I will always fight for it and whatever its people think is important. The poll was overwhelming one-sided so I’m sure I chose correctly and look forward to doing what I can to help cement the public’s beliefs and convictions no matter what they might be.”

STORYLINE

Survivors Credit Manimal In Lahaina College Poisoning Incident

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Maui Police say a woman is facing charges after allegedly poisoning her fellow students, and guests attending a sorority fund raiser on Sunday. Officials say they were called to the University of Maui Lahaina College because 20-year-old Holly Kalili was being accused of poisoning dozens of students and guest attending a charity auction. According to the report, many in attendance became violently ill after consuming food that Holly brought. While a handful are still being treated at the Lahaina Medical Center for high levels of thallium, a heavy metal that has been used as a rat poison and ant killer, many more who consumed the tainted food are feeling fine this morning, and have an unusual theory why. Everyone who suffered no ill effects have one thing in common; they were drinking Manimal.

Police say they found approximately a dozen attendees of the annual Psi Pi Chi charity auction suffering from severe stomach pain and dizziness upon their arrival. The victims claimed that they had started feeling ill after consuming a clam dip that had a very bitter taste. Officers say that several students accused Kalili of putting something in the dip because of an argument between her, and several of her sorority sisters the previous night.

After questioning, Holly admitted that she had put “something” in the dip but claimed she didn’t know exactly what it was. Police say the students had been arguing all week about the InterIsland Preservation and Travel Act (IPTA). The law passed last year, established regulations on the use of Veil transportation to any of the Hawaiian islands and imposed a quota on the number of monthly visitors. According to Psi Pi Chi members, Kalili had been “acting crazy” about the issue all week, and had threatened to “do something” at the event.

While many had eaten the clam dip before the auction, relatively few suffered any symptoms, and most showed no trace of thallium in their systems. Medical officials had no explanation for the vastly different levels of thallium in the victims, but several students claim that they felt better after having a Manimal. They are crediting the energy drink with counteracting the poison, and potentially saving their lives.

Senior Kimberly Hekili says, “I’m still in shock over this whole thing. I knew that Holly wasn’t really Psi Pi Chi material for years now. You can’t think that restricting travel to Maui is acceptable, and still be a good person, but I never thought she’d do something to ruin our biggest fundraiser of the year. What she did was gross! I’m super happy that Bethany got so many cases of Fightberry Punch, it’s not my favorite flavor of Manimal, but it saved us, even if we couldn’t save the auction. It’s now the official energy drink of all Psi Pi Chi events. I just hope Holly can get the help she needs with everything that’s wrong with her now. I mean it’s a really long list, but she should have plenty of time to work on it in prison. We had tried severing ties with her this Fall, but we didn’t quite have the votes then. You can bet that we do now! I just have one thing to say to her, ‘Goodbye, Holly!’”

Health officials say it is unlikely that the energy drink counteracted the thallium, and other factors like: the amount of clam dip consumed, how well the poison was mixed into the food, and individual metabolisms, offer a much better explanation for why some individuals were sicker than others. However, they won’t know for sure until thorough lab work is complete.

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says that he would not be surprised if his company’s drink saved the day.

“We get so many letters and emails everyday about the amazing things Manimal does for our amazing customers. I wouldn’t be shocked to learn that Manimal has the power to knockout thallium as well as mediocrity. What does surprise me in this case, is just how far college kids can take an argument now. I mean, when I was in college, if you didn’t like someone you just slowly pushed them out of the group. While they were confused and feeling vulnerable, you’d spread rumors and lies about them. If you were really angry, maybe you’d make a fake online profile and catfish them for a month or two. You know, that kind of stuff. We’d never try and poison each other. That is super uncool!”

Holly Hekili was charged with numerous counts of administering a noxious chemical and assault with a weapon. If convicted she faces up to 15 years in prison, and a fine up to $40,000, for each count.

STORYLINE

Lahaina City Council Votes to Put Severe Restrictions On Ceremplant Use

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It many soon be illegal to use your Ceremplant while driving or crossing the street in Lahaina. The proposal passed with a 6-3 vote in favor with Councilmembers Bob Abramo, Annie Martin, and Ernest Malu voting no.

A number of larger municipalities have recently passed measures making Ceremplant use while driving punishable with a fine but the Lahaina law is by far the most stringent, covering a wide variety of activities. Proposal 7 would prevent pedestrians from using phones, pagers, cameras, handheld devices, computers, and Ceremplants while crossing the street. In addition it would further ban the use of those technologies while cutting hair in a salon, cooking food in a restaurant, applying a tattoo, or while working as a lifeguard in the city limits.

Those caught face fines of $200 for the first offense, and up to $1000 for a third citation. Supporters say that the proposal will hold pedestrians, motorists,and those working in the service industry accountable for their actions and help reduce accidents caused by distractions. They point out that in 2045 alone, 4,398 people were killed in distraction related crashes. Over 513,000 people were injured in crashes involving a distracted driver, and 16% of drivers involved in fatal accidents, were reported to be distracted at the time. Critics point out that there is a lot of data about distracted driving but almost none covering the other possibly prohibited activities. They call the proposal intrusive, unconstitutional, and a gross government overreach.

Kurt Bickley of the law offices of Suter, Stine, Burn & Partners (SSB&P) calls the proposal “ridiculous” and says that his office has already been contacted by a number of individuals about possible legal proceedings should the ordinance pass.

“I have listened to music many times while cooking dinner and I have somehow always managed to never stab myself in the eye because I was so enthralled with the chorus. This is nothing but the nanny state trying to exert its authority. They have no research, studies, or proof that Ceremplants interfere with many of the activities included in the proposal. They certainly don’t have a legal right to ban their use. I will concede that there is evidence that driving while distracted is more dangerous, but if we’re going to legislate driving based on numbers we should look at the fatality rates of elderly drivers too. The fatality rates of drivers over 65 is 20 times that of those 25-64. Using the city council’s logic we should start banning early bird specials at local diners since those promotions are killing thousands of grandmothers and grandfathers a year. Honestly the only place I’d want this law to apply is in the lavatories in the council building where I swear Big Bob has Ceremplanted himself in the stall for hours at a time.”

Besides the legality of the bill, there is the matter of enforcement. The Lahaina police say they will be using specially made scanning ammeters which will be able to “help officers determine when a subject is actively using their Ceremplant in a prohibited manner.” Critics point out that the scanners haven’t been properly tested for safety or efficacy. Many have concerns about possible health ramifications and damage to their implants.

Kimberly Hekili a senior at the University of Maui Lahaina College says she’s very concerned about the proposed law and the damage the scanners may do.

“My vlog, ‘A Day In the Life of Kim,’ has thousands of followers and it’s not fair to me or them to limit my ability to express myself. How will my fans know when I’ve gotten coffee and how I feel about it as I walk to class if I can’t cross the street? I assumed I could get a waiver since A Day In the Life is consistently in the top 10 of Hawaiian Vlogs, but the office was very rude to me when I called and was anything but helpful. I’ve also heard that those scanners might break your implant or scramble your brain. I find both of those possibilities unacceptable. I have collected almost 4 years worth of my Psi Pi Chi sister’s photos and memories with my Ceremplant. They say you can’t put a price on a memory but I bet my dad’s lawyer can.”

The bill will now head to Mayor Albert Cravalho’s desk. The Mayor’s Office will hear public comments on the proposal for two weeks before making a decision. If signed into law, enforcement could begin in July.

STORYLINE

Your Ceremplant Policy is Unacceptable!

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Dear Dean Mahelona,

I wanted to attend the University of Maui Lahaina College because I believed it was an institution that emphasized lifelong learning, Native Hawaiian culture, and global understanding. That’s what your brochure said at least, and what I was told at orientation. What I soon learned however, was that you stopped learning decades ago, are only interested in promoting a culture of ignorance, and your understanding extends to the edge of your corporately owned desk. Your policy in regards to Ceremplants is particularly egregious!

Telling me that your policies are clearly written in my enrollment materials is unacceptable. Do you actually think people read papers before they sign them? When I asked what all the stuff about the college needing access to my implant was about, I was told it was for my benefit. At first I thought it was nice. Every morning I’d get the news after the morning update and the synch times were short so they didn’t slow me down. Your mapping program was a big help learning the campus, and finding the shortest way to class and stores around town. Then I started to learn more and I felt sick.

I soon learned that all my pictures were being stored by the college. I had no idea that everything I recorded for my personal use was automatically being captured by you as well. When I was taking images of my Psi Pi Chi sisters it was so I could look back on them one day, and relive those memories or use them as leverage. I didn’t expect you to keep them as well. I’m going to need to find a job one day, and I don’t think some of the things you’ve made copies of would help.

It just wasn’t just pictures and video either. I’m not sure you’re aware that the school’s “daily steps” feature does far more than just “Show you how much you’re moving in a elegant way and gives tips on how to be more active.” It not only tracks your steps, it keeps track of your movements on campus and produces a daily map of your activity. I call it a kidnapping treasure map, because I can’t think of a more dangerous piece of data to be kept about a young woman. You can actually go back and see where someone goes every day, and at what time. I assume that you are making money somehow off of this data because I can’t understand why else you would have it.

When I called to have my personal data deleted I was told it was an easy process. That turned out to be another lie. After hours of back and forth, and a number of unnecessary reboots, I was told everything of a personal nature had been removed. Then today I got my “Morning Memory” as usual and it was a picture of Holly Kalili and me standing on the beach. I saw red!

While it’s true that Holly and I were good friends last semester, that was before we learned about her gross beliefs. Holly thought that the new veil quota law was a good idea and that it would help preserve the delicate natural areas on the island. Do you know who else has quotas? People who run slaughterhouses, that’s who! Our sorority could not support someone so hateful that they would support a measure that would make it harder for friends and family visit. She was barely done asking why the locks were changed and her things were in the street, before we all deleted her pictures. Yet, I was now being forced to remember her, and her bigoted beliefs. The only way that was possible was if you somehow had saved pictures of her after I asked you to delete everything.

I immediately complained and demanded that you stop syncing with my implant. Then you dropped the bomb on me. I was told that I would be unable to get my grades until I restored access. That is offensive, and your complete lack of making an exception in my case is unacceptable! I’m not accustomed to dealing with people who choose to flaunt their authority. It’s gross. I don’t work well with people who disagree with me, so you can understand why this has been so hard. In retrospect, I should have known that you were in the pocket of big business. The artwork on campus is devoid of inspiration and clearly corporately sponsored. Even the shrubbery is contrived .

I’m drawing a line and demanding that you change your policies, and void anything I may have already agreed to. I’m pretty sure you can’t hold someone responsible for what they’ve signed if what they’ve signed is stupid! I don’t think you fully understand how many online followers I have, and just how popular I am on campus. I still have people stop me and ask about the story I did freshmen year on how hard it is to live with headgear. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been called brave for letting the student paper take those pictures in the middle of my quest for straighter teeth. What do you think would happen if I let everyone know that you wouldn’t accommodate my wishes? I’m not trying to threaten you. I’m just letting you know that you don’t want to be on the wrong end of an argument with me, just ask Holly. You have 24 hours to agree to my terms.

Indignantly,
Kimberly Hekili