Kohole Mayoral Campaign Picks Up Steam Despite Growing Controversy

Despite a series of questionable public appearances, and a laundry list of eyebrow raising statements, the Rodger “Rod” Kohole campaign for mayor continues to pick up steam against incumbent Albert Cravalho. Undeterred by the candidate’s comments about removing government protections from natural areas, and advocating the use of violence against his opponents at a campaign stop yesterday, the Kohole train continues to gain momentum. In fact, recent polls show Kohole pulling to within 5 points of Mayor Cravalho.

Rod Kohole’s rise as a political figure in Maui has been an unorthodox one, riddled with complaints and allegations. After his forced retirement as a justice of the Hawaiian Supreme Court at the age of 70, Kohole moved to Maui and began a number of agricultural and energy businesses. However, Rod couldn’t stay out of politics for long, and within a year he had formed the Foundation for Natural Law, a non-profit legal organization dedicated to fighting “government overreach” in all areas. The foundation represented a handful of geothermal drilling companies wishing to drill inside the preservation zone, but its first high-profile case was fighting an anti-foie gras initiative on behalf of one of Kohole’s farms. It was then that the opinions of the retired judge, and his unfiltered manner of speech began to grab headlines.

His followers say that they appreciate Kohole’s direct and rough manner, a departure from the usually laid back atmosphere that permeates everything, even the political arena, on Maui. His campaign slogan, “Let’s Ram Rod In the Mayor’s Office!” seems to perfectly represent his campaign so far: unorthodox, controversial, and aggressive. Many expressed concerns after he was asked about the problem of the working poor in Maui and he answered: “I keep hearing about the poor and the working poor. I have to be honest, we didn’t have working poor when I was a kid. Do you know why? Because if you work hard enough in this great country, you’re not poor! You don’t have to be a genius to figure it out. It’s simple math. If you haven’t prepared yourself for adulthood or are just too lazy to get another job, then, I’m sorry, but that’s you’re problem, not mine. Nobody who has the gumption to work 80-100 hour weeks is poor. I’m gonna start slapping these assistance checks out of hands, and replacing them with shovels when I’m in office.”

“His rhetoric is dangerous and he is appealing to the worst parts of our nature,” says Ellen Pahili, spokesperson for the Mayor’s office. “Albert Cravalho has changed Maui for the better and offered the kind of mature, steady leadership that we need going forward. Like many of us, I check my newsfeed every morning to hear what outlandish thing Mr. Kohole has said next, but that isn’t leadership. That’s a spectacle. This is a man who when asked if any government regulations were needed at all, like protections for child labor, said: ‘No! We don’t need someone in an office on a hill somewhere telling us that kids shouldn’t have jobs. Having a job builds character. The truth of the matter is kids are just better at certain things that adults. Crawling into tunnels or exhaust tubes for cleaning, assembling electronics and garments, all those things that are easier to do with little bodies and little hands. I believe in giving children the right to work, especially children who aren’t college material.’ What more is there to say? Rodger Kohole’s day-to-day statements are our best advertisements. He is a dangerous and misguided man, unfit for office.”

The Kohole campaign counters that it is Cravalho who has put the public in danger through numerous controversial programs and decisions, and the terrible Veilcorp Luau bombing that claimed the lives of 10 people, including Tracy and Alohi Oeming, wife and daughter of Veilcop founder Eric Oeming. They say only Kohole has the courage to stand-up to the special interests, and protect the hard working people of Maui.

Kohole arrived at the Chop House yesterday riding a pig and brandishing a sidearm, much to the delight of his assembled fans who call themselves “Ramrods”. Kohole wasted no time in giving the crowd the kind of speech he has become famous for. “I just wanted to show everyone how I plan to ride the swine out of office. I brought this, [the gun] just in case the hog or my opponents had other ideas. I want the powers that be to know that we’re taking it all back by any means necessary. We’re going to drill wells for power, we’re going to harvest trees, we’re going to use the bounty that has been provided us, without worrying about what the scientists, and tree-huggers say. I promise that when elected the first thing I’m going to do is open some of these areas that have been designated as native lands. In my America you own land through hard work, not because your ancestors lost a fight. The days of participation trophies, big government, apologizing, and trigger warnings are over.”

Kimberly Hekili from The Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA), calls the prospect of Kohole in office a, “nightmare.” She contends that years of restoration and conservation projects would be undone, should the retired judge win the election. “All you have to do is look at other areas where thinking like this has prevailed. Kohole would have us strip mine the mountains, pollute streams in the pursuit of energy readily available in other cleaner methods, and hunt endangered animals into extinction. He even wants to strip protections from the Nene, our state bird, in order to use them to create a specialty foi gras market on the island. Electing Rodger Kohole would be an ecological disaster.”

The general election will be held November 8. Pundits say that despite being written off early in the primaries, the slow and steady growth of Kohole should worry Cravalho. They say his campaign mirrors some of the growth of the populist movements 30 years ago. With only a little over a month left until the election, both campaigns are sure to ramp over the next few weeks.

Officials Investigating Unusual SSHAM Oil Fire At Lahaina Facility

Fire officials in Lahaina say they are still investigating the cause of a major fire that engulfed the SSHAM processing plant Thursday afternoon. While no one was killed in the blaze, dozens were treated for smoke inhalation, and many remain in the Lahaina Medical Center this morning. According to those on the scene, multiple containers of SSHAM oil spontaneously caught fire while cooling off behind the factory.

The Lahaina Fire Department says they responded to a call about a fire behind the SSHAM facility Thursday and found numerous pallets of burning SSHAM oil when they arrived. They were initially unable to contain the fire with standard equipment and were forced to use fire suppressing foam. According to the report, several other containers spontaneously combusted while firefighters tried to put out the growing inferno. It took several hours to contain and spread to the factory building itself before first responders could extinguish the blaze. Officials say they are still investigating the exact cause of the unusual fire, but that it is most likely a result of a new filtering and cooling process developed by the company.

“It smelled so good when we arrived that we didn’t believe that it was SSHAM oil burning,” says a first responder who wishes to remain anonymous. “We learned that it was, a few minutes later. When we turned on the hoses it just spread. We broke out the AFF (aqueous film-forming foam), but that didn’t seem to slow things down either. We put in a call for some class “A” foam and tried to make sure the facility was clear, but then another stack of oil just went up in flames. It was a nightmare. There were over 20 stacks of oil cooling out there, and we didn’t know which one was going to catch fire next. We eventually got everything under control, but it was one of the weirdest calls I’ve ever been on. I still can’t believe how good that stuff smelled, even after we dumped all those chemicals on it. It was like a combination of the ocean breeze and my tutu’s kitchen in the morning. It burned like the devil, but it smelled like heaven.”

A month ago SSHAM and the Hawaiian Association of Certified Wedding Planners (HCWP) reached a settlement in a case regarding the infamous smell associated with oil’s production. The HCWP claimed that the odor constituted a nuisance and was causing irreparable harm to their business. They had sought to shut down production in Lahaina, and asked for millions in damages. As part of the settlement, SSHAM paid an undisclosed amount to the organization, and changed the method in which they make, and filter the popular oil.

SSHAM CEO and creator Art Pua’a says the company is cooperating with investigators, and he is just glad nobody was seriously injured.

“I was born and raised in Hawaii, and I like to think that we run SSHAM with the aloha spirit that I was taught as a child. That means we value our people above all else. I’m not sure that I can properly express how thankful I am that everyone is going to be alright. This could have gone much worse. I also want to thank the brave men and women in the fire department for putting the lives of our employees above their own. They have my undying gratitude. While our new oil extraction and filtering process obviously has some stability issues to work out, I think one thing is clear. We nailed the problem with the smell. I actually have a piece of one of the pallets in my office right now. Even with the charring and dried foam it makes the whole room smell like a dream. I haven’t been the biggest fan of the HCWP lately, but they may have forced us into one of the greatest breakthroughs ever for the ‘meat of 1,000 uses.’”

Many however have new concerns about the safety of SSHAM oil, and its possible impact on the environment. “This stuff burns hot enough to melt steel beams and is resistant to the most common type of fire retardant. We need to be concerned and ask ourselves what SSHAM isn’t telling us about these fires,” says Kimberly Hekili from the Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA).

“I drove near the factory this morning myself, and the reports are true. It smells fantastic. It totally covers up any hint of burnt materials or chemicals, but It doesn’t matter how good it smells if it explodes while cooling and burns everything to the ground. We need to investigate what is making the oil so volatile, and its long-term impact on the environment. Our wild areas are as fragile as they are beautiful, and we need to care about more than just how they smell.”

Veilcorp Debuts “Potato Day” Campaign

It’s been called childish, inane, banal, senseless, and ridiculous by some, but many travelers look forward to Veilcorp’s April 1st marketing campaign every year. The company’s unique annual announcements have become a much loved company tradition, even though a few complain that the campaigns make the 1st the worst day to travel. This year was no different. At midnight in Lahaina the company made their announcement, and customers could smell the spud in the water, Veilcorp would be celebrating “Potato Day” for the next 24 hours.

Veilcorp has a long history of promoting Lahaina innovation and special events says Brie Howard, VP of special projects and strategic growth.

“Veilad pioneered one of the most popular electric vehicle charging campaigns in the world. With the help of our sponsored-species partners, the Duracave elephant herd remains viable and happy, and Womanimal nearly saved the wild cheetah population from extinction. The company has given a young man born in the Lahaina station free travel for life, and offered the public some of the most advanced facial recognition software available. However, I think Potato Day is special. Smashed, whipped, baked, sauteed, grilled, boiled, or fried, the noble potato is almost as versatile as Veilcorp itself. The tater has spread across the world, connecting cultures and people, a perfect metaphor for what we strive for every day at Veilcorp. Immediately upon reaching their destinations, customers will see a sign that says, ‘Caution: Incoming Potato’ and our special gravity fed delivery system will drop a potato. This will be the first integration of such a system ever with our veil technology, making the whole process very exciting.”

In addition to their complementary potato, Veilcorp customers will be able to enjoy special potato oriented events unique to their location. According to a press release, the Lahaina station will feature seminars from world famous botanist Adler Walters, who will describe the tuber’s importance in history. “First cultivated by the Inca people around 8,000 BC, the Conquistadors discovered the flavor of roasted potatoes when they conquered Peru. To put it simply, they were blown away, and brought the new food to Europe. The new crop was easy to grow and very nutritious. A superb source of vitamin B6, vitamin C, potassium, copper, manganese, phosphorus, niacin, dietary fiber, and pantothenic acid, with antioxidant qualities, the potato can be considered a super-food. They were worth almost as much as gold during the Alaskan gold rush, and became the first vegetable grown in space, when NASA successfully grew them back in October, 1995. It is now one of the most popular crops on the planet…. The potato is a traveler and a pioneer, just like Veilcorp.”

Reactions to the Potato Day campaign have been mixed so far. Some food security experts have called it wasteful and short-sighted. Advocate Kimberly Hekili says, “If Veilcorp spent as much time and money trying to end hunger as it does being “quirky” once a year, thousands of kids wouldn’t have to worry about where their next meal is coming from.” Numerous online auctions are already up, offering a hungry public a chance to own a Veilcorp potato. With prices soaring as high as $5000, there’s no doubt that these potatoes are hot.

COO Lisa Hunt says she stands behind the company’s Potato Day offering. “There’s nothing like having a potato around in case of an emergency,” she says.

“Not all marketing campaigns are created equal, but I think it’s fair to say that we hit it out of the park this time. I’ve been assured by our London station that everyone is having a spuddy good time with the new promotion. We’re including a voucher with every potato, redeemable for preparation and cooking at thousands of participating restaurants across the globe. We want to make sure even our busiest travelers get a chance to enjoy the starchy goodness we’re handing out today.”

Hunt says the promotion will continue while supplies last, and hopes that everyone appreciates the pilgrimage of the potato across the globe, and their own journey as well.

Charges Dropped Against Mother Accused of Removing Her Daughter’s Ceremplant

Charges have been dismissed against a West Maui woman who faced possible jail time after having her 14-year-old daughter’s ceremplant removed as punishment, after the girl got in trouble at school. Gina Hekili of Lahaina says she was “just trying to be a responsible parent” when she had the ceremplant removed, but was arrested on a misdemeanor larceny charge after her ex-husband filed a complaint saying he owned the implant. Prosecutors say they decided to drop the charges after further review and told a judge this morning that since Hekili is “the mother of the minor involved” that it “changes the case significantly.”

Despite the charges against her being dropped, Hekili says she is still angry about the ordeal and doesn’t understand how prosecutors let the incident go so far. “I never thought that punishing my child for skipping school would put me in jail. I’m still in shock to be honest,” she says. News of her arrest spread quickly last week, with public opinion overwhelmingly on Gina’s side.

However, Grant Wanawie, the father of the girl involved, says he’s disappointed in the decision to drop charges against his ex-wife, and will be pursuing a civil case against her saying, “This isn’t like taking a toy away for a few minutes or putting your child in timeout. I paid for the ceremplant, and I believe I’m the only one who has the right to punish her by taking it out.”

Kurt Bickely, of the law firm Suter, Stine, Burns & Partners (SSB&P), is representing Wanawie and says a formal complaint will be filed in the next few days unless Hekili is willing to publicly acknowledge her culpability, and pay an amount “fitting of her thoughtless actions” in the incident.

Bickley says this is the first such case his firm has handled but expects to see more in the future as “the law does not adapt as quickly as technology.” Even though the case breaks new ground, he says he’s confident in its outcome.

“Without having instant access to the latest social media news or celebrity gossip, our client’s daughter risks falling behind in the latest trends, causing real and lasting harm. While the medical procedure to remove the ceremplant is a relatively quick one, lasting only minutes, the fallout from it can last a lifetime. Over 95% of Hawaiians have a ceremplant now, with only weirdos, the ultra-poor, and the troubled choosing to live their lives without this ubiquitous device. The mother in this case fails to appreciate how an under-concentration on trivialities can lead to her daughter being ostracized by her peers, leaving her depressed, confused, and unaware of the day’s latest fad. What is she supposed to do to keep up? Dig out her parents old phone or tablet? This is serious stuff we’re dealing with here.”

While many have expressed outrage over the incident, Wanawie does have one high-profile supporter in his corner, famed inventor, and technology gadfly Ano Lee. Lahaina’s most tech savvy son says that many people of Hekili’s generation fail to realize how intertwined ceremplants are to the social structures of people her daughter’s age.

“The truth of the matter is that we are living in a new social ecosystem, vastly different from the one that existed even just ten years ago. Having instantaneous access to your favorite music and videos of people tasting ultra-hot peppers, or potentially hurting themselves by participating in the latest viral trend, without having to move a muscle, is a necessity. Previous generations have enjoyed these sorts of things as well, but they have always been considered a diversion, or guilty pleasure to be enjoyed occasionally because they relied on handheld devices or old fashioned computers. They didn’t grow up with the ability to endure a reprimand by watching a tutorial video surreptitiously. They can’t conceive of tuning out a boring class by organizing their game achievements hands-free, while their teacher prattles on none-the-wiser. These aren’t just pleasures to this generation; they are woven into the fabric of society and have become rights.”