STORYLINE

Unprecedented start to hurricane season has many worried

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2047 is turning out to be the worst hurricane season in recorded history, and that has many Maui residents concerned and looking for answers. Less than two months into the season and the island has already weathered 2 tropical storms and a full fledged hurricane. The extraordinary string of bad weather has many worried that Veilcorp activity is to blame, while other islanders have slightly more spiritual concerns about the storms.

Tropical storm Iopa hit the islands hard on May 7th this year, a full month before hurricane season officially begins, but that was just the beginning. Hurricane Kika followed soon after with tropical storm Lana cresting land a few weeks ago. While the storms caused relatively little damage to populated areas, the frequency of activity this year has many worried. Now, with tropical depression Maka looming and Neki following and gaining strength quickly, residents are looking for answers and some relief.

The last time a category 4 hurricane hit Hawaii was back in 1992. On September 11 hurricane Iniki passed directly over the island of Kauai. By the time it had passed, the storm had killed 6, destroyed 1,400 homes and caused more than $1 billion in damage. None of the storms this year have matched that intensity so far, but meteorologists say that Neki is following a similar path and is growing rapidly.

Many believe that an infamous Veilcorp program is to blame for the increase is storms. Since it started solar production of 127 (unbiseptium) in 2046, the Icarus project has been a lightning rod for Veilcorp opponents. Many claim that the change in weather patterns can be directly tied to the notorious project.

Critics say that worldwide exposure to 127 has increased drastically since the project began and that it is too soon for any study to make a definitive finding one way or the other about its safety. They point to a marked increase in major storms and changing weather patterns worldwide since Icarus began as proof that the issue needs more attention. Locally, many are concerned that the increase in 127 is having an impact on native flora and fauna. Calls for an investigation by the Department of Land and Natural Resources have gone unanswered so far, but activists remain vocal.

The corporation says that concerns are unfounded and that there is no proof that the project has any effect on the weather, sea, or animals. They point out that Veil technology has relied on 127 since its inception over 20-years-ago, and that there is no evidence of any long-lasting negative effects.

Still others on the island worry that Veilcorp activity has caused a cosmic crisis and that the unusual weather patterns are a symptom of a spiritual sickness. One such believer is Sebastian Malu. A Barraloha instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center in Lahaina and the founder of the Eternal Cycle Church, Malu says that Veilcorp should have consulted an astrologer before beginning the Icarus project.

He says,

“It’s insane to me that nobody at Veilcorp realized that harvesting energy from the center of our solar system in a year in which Mercury was occulated by the sun and Saturn was experiencing its summer solstice was a bad idea. Add to that the fact that there were 2 partial lunar eclipses in 2046, followed by 2 total eclipses this year and it’s a recipe for disaster. Just look at how bad the storms have been so far and we’re just getting started. The hurricane season lasts another 4 months. I know it’s popular to dismiss the wisdom of the ancients but they were given a blueprint for life and had a rich understanding of the great cycles that we have all but lost. The Melchizedek pattern and the Great Wesak cycle came together in April and May last year. It should have been a time of discernment and higher vibrations, instead Veilcorp ramped up their parasitic activity and muddied the cosmic water for all of us. I’ve been warning all my students and parishioners that our mother and the universe will have to make adjustments in order to return to balance. I believe the storms we’ve seen so far are part of that process. It’s not a coincidence that Neki is on its way just in time for the lunar eclipse on July 7th. It’s going to take a powerful storm to wash away the stain Veilcorp has left, and I’m afraid that’s exactly what’s coming.”

Whether it’s just an unusual natural cycle, a product of Veilcorp experiments, or a cosmic cry for help, the storm season this year is already one for the record books. Many residents are already preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. Officials are tracking the storms closely and say they could reach land in a matter of days.

STORYLINE

60-year-old Lahaina Man Brings Lawsuit To Lower His Age 20 years

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We live in an amazing time in history. The integration between man and machine has never been tighter thanks to ceremplants, and with Veilcorp technology you can travel the globe virtually instantaneously (once you make it through the security lines), but turning back the hands of time is still a bridge too far, or is it? One Lahaina man says that for all intents and purposes he’s actually 20 years younger than his birthday would lead you to believe, and is suing to have his birth year officially changed.

Former Dean of The University of Maui Lahaina College, and current life coach, 60-year-old Brian Mahelona says he has the body and mind of a man decades younger and has the paperwork to prove it. Through frequent Newuskin treatments and controversial stem cell rejuvenation therapy, Mahelona claims to have “revitalized” himself and is physiologically indistinguishable from someone almost half his age. Now, backed with doctor reports and lab results, he is asking the State to change his age in their records. “You can change your name. I don’t see why you can’t change your age if you really are physically younger than what your birth certificate indicates,” he says.

Unsurprisingly, the case has grabbed headlines over recent weeks, but Brian is no stranger to being in the news. Just last year he resigned his position as dean due to allegations of inappropriate behavior and misappropriation of funds to fuel what reports called “a Newuskin treatment obsession.” However, no criminal charges were filed in the case, and Mahelona vigorously denies doing anything illegal. He acknowledges that he acted at times with poor judgment, but says he’s learned from his missteps and is serious about his case.

“I know a lot of people out there are thinking that I’m some crazy old guy who lost his job because he would show up at college parties, tailgate with the student body, say inappropriate things and spent every last dime he had on Newuskin treatments and tailored stem cell injections, but that’s not true at all. I’m definitely not old! I’ve devoted everything to rejuvenating my body and it has really paid off. I’m not just bragging, I’ve quantified my strength, potency, and vigor with the help of medical professionals. I feel like a young god because I’ve transformed myself into one. I can’t believe what I see in the mirror, and I find myself looking a lot. A man the age of the one on my birth certificate is limited. As someone in their 40’s I still have a lot of options when it comes to cars, dating, employment, and life in general. I just want the government to acknowledge what’s obvious to anyone looking at me, and change my date of birth.”

Newuskin spokesperson and Kokua Wellness Center promotions coordinator Yvonne Masters says Mahelona’s transformation is impressive but pushes back at the idea that treatments will actually make you younger. “There’s no doubt that regular Newuskin treatments will benefit your overall health, and have a stunning effect on your outward appearance, but make you younger? No, I’m afraid that’s something we can’t claim. We are in awe of what Mr. Mahelona has been able to accomplish through regular treatments, purposeful eating and plating practices, and his laser-like focus on manifesting his personal truths. However, I can’t say that we can reverse the aging process quite yet. On the other hand, if the State does agree that Mr. Mahelona is in fact younger because of the vitality imbued by our treatments….well that would be a different story. In either case, there is no denying the amazing results his determination and our technology have created.”

Officials say there is little chance Mahelona is going to be successful as there is no legal mechanism allowing a person to change their birth date. A Maui court is expected to rule on the matter by the end of the month, but the court of public opinion seems to have already come to its own verdict, and it’s not good for the former dean. Holly Kalili a Junior at the university and a sister in the Psi Pi Chi sorority says students were initially amused by Mahelona’s antics, but now most just feel bad for him.

“At first we were all like ‘Is that the dean playing beer pong?’ It was kind of funny I guess. He was trying to hang out with us and talk like us, but it was also kind of weird, like when your parents try to talk with you like they’re your friend and not your parents. It’s not that I don’t like old people. I absolutely love watching Malie’s List, that show where the old lady on her scooter crosses things off your bucket list. But she’s like over a hundred, that’s inspirational old. Dean Mahelona is just sad old. I guess he looks good for his age, but I mean 40 is too old to hang out at frat parties too. I just hope he gets the help he needs, and stops doing things that put him in my newsfeed.”

STORYLINE

New Kokua Treatment Promises to get You Sick Ahead of Valentine’s Day

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Lahaina’s Kokua Wellness Center is renowned for its lavish health and beauty treatments, as well as its exclusive clientele, but now a new offering is promising to make Kokua your go-to destination to get sick. Customers receiving the new “Rhinage” therapy inhale a viral-laden mist designed to “train your immune response naturally” and allowing you to “get sick on your schedule.”

While the idea of inhaling a sticky viral cloud may seem gross or even dangerous to most, spokesperson Yvonne Masters says the Rhinage treatment uses viruses harvested from a select group of people in a clinical setting, and is a safe alternative to needles and pills. Masters acknowledges that the idea of paying for what amounts to a sneeze in the face is off-putting, but counters that the treatment is all natural, and allows those with busy lives the flexibility of scheduling their sick days. She says,”Knowing when you are going to be sick is now among the many luxuries we can offer our clients.”

“Nothing is worse than being sick on Valentine’s Day, and there’s no better gift for that certain someone in your life than a healthy you. With that special day waiting right around the corner the time is right for Rhinage. The process is completely painless and takes only minutes. Our specially harvested rhinoviruses, from our exclusive pool of donors, have proven to be 95% effect after the first treatment, training your immune systems to be strong and resilient. The mist is warm and pleasant, allowing you the freedom of getting your cold out of the way. The world has never moved at a faster pace and you already schedule everything in your life. Now you can schedule your sick days too, with the help of Rhinage.”

Although the promise of planning your sick days like you would a vacation may seem intriguing to some, most medical professionals are skeptical of Rhinage’s safety, and its ability to keep people from getting sick after a treatment. “That’s not how the science works. On top of that, it’s just really nasty!” says Dr. Dalia Forsythe, Medical Director at the Lahaina Medical Center.

“The first issue is that despite their claims, this is not how vaccinations work. When you get vaccinated you are introducing a dead or weakened antigen into the body so it can build up an immune response without being overloaded. These people are using an active viral load. They are basically canning sneezes and spraying people with them for money. Going around and licking doorknobs would be just as effective. In addition, there are over 200 types of rhinoviruses, so if you really want complete immunity, you’d need to get sprayed in the face hundreds of times.

Lastly, as far as I know these treatments aren’t conducted in hermetically sealed rooms, and under virtually none of the usual lab protocols one would expect when handling live viruses of any type. This is not like one of those old fashioned chicken pox parties people used to hold before the vaccine was widely available in the late 1990’s. There’s serious potential for real harm here. There’s no telling what specific antigens have been introduced during storage, or are floating around in the treatment room. We’re talking about something that has great potential to mutate into more dangerous forms. This is exactly how a plague starts. In my opinion, Rhinage is a snotty time bomb waiting to go off.”

For some, Forsythe’s warning may have come too late. Despite assurances from Kokua that there is no evidence the treatment can lead to anything more serious than a mild cough, sore throat, and some congestion, Lahaina resident Gary Puniwale disagrees. He says Rhinage was not only NOT right for him, it led to some serious health issues.

“Like many I saw the ads lat month about Rhinage and how it could guarantee a sick-free Valentine’s Day, so I made an appointment right away. I don’t have the best luck on that day. To be honest it’s been historically disastrous for me. I’ve been: dumped multiple times, been in two head-on collisions, broken my leg diving, broke my clavicle falling off a horse, needed over 100 stitches after cutting my leg on some coral, nearly drowned, gotten food poisoning multiple times, and was bitten by both a dog and a pig on Valentine’s. I figured no matter how bad it got this year, at least I wouldn’t be sick. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out that way.

The treatment itself was a little repugnant but fine overall. They lead you into a little room. You sit in a really comfy chair while someone cleanses the air by ringing a bell. Then they give you a little spritz in the face with this thing that looks like an old perfume bottle. It’s a little sticky, but that’s it. When I woke up the next day however, I had a rash all over. I wrote it off at first, thinking it was just a reaction to the cheap laundry detergent I bought. But as the day went on I started to get the chills and decided to go home early and get some sleep. Next thing you know I’m bleeding from my eyes and ears. They think it might be a rare strain of dengue fever, but I haven’t traveled anywhere so they’re not sure. We’re still waiting on some tests. I had counted on a runny nose but not all the blood and IVs. They say love is blind, and I’m just hoping I’m not by the time this is all over.”

STORYLINE

Is Your Facility Right For Newuskin?

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As you can imagine, demand for our Newuskin tables has been great, to say the least. Vereserum has received so many requests for our technology in fact, that we have put together this guideline to help weed out facilities not ready to properly administer a Newuskin device. It is our hope that this outline will effectively communicate the minimum requirements and expectations associated with becoming a Vereserum partner and leasee of Newuskin technology. If your facility and clientele meet our basic requirements please contact our sales department. Nothing that follows is legally binding and terms are subject to change at any time.

Your Facility
Newuskin is cutting-edge technology that requires special backup power supplies and a special facility. Our rejuvenation tables require a dedicated power source and seamless backup supply. The delicate nature of the process means that one of our devices can never be without power. In addition to the power requirements, your facility must meet strict guidelines. Your building must have been built or had a major renovation within the last 6 years. Unless it is located in an especially unique area (lone building on an island, on top of a mountain, destination hotel, etc.) all of our partner locations must be at least 7,000 square feet. We also require a full audit of the facility before installation to make sure that the towels, chairs, fixtures, decorations, and various other items inside are of sufficient quality.

Your Financials
We require that our partners turn over a complete financial history of the facility and any owners/partners with more than a 10% interest in the business. We require tax returns for all the above parties going back 10 years. In addition, we ask that a forward-looking business plan be filed highlighting how you plan to integrate our technology into your facility, and what your goals for the next 5 years are.

Your Clientele
Almost as important as the quality of your facility is the quality of your clientele. We require a complete list of all your clients with the appropriate contact information. Your combined clientele must meet our minimum total income levels, social media reach, and average age demographics. We are a new technology and are trying to market to a younger demographic so a facility with younger clients will be looked upon favorably. Any clients of note (actors, singers, media personalities) will of course rank your facility higher than others.

Messaging
All advertising about our products and devices must be cleared with our marketing department. All messaging must focus on skin/hair changes and imply surface treatment only. The full organ/body replacement nature of the process must never be mentioned. If pressed by a client you are to present them with the information packs we will provide. In addition, you must refrain from answering any specific questions about the length of time the treatment will last. We encourage using a vague statement like: “Best of all, the results after one session can last months! “ The lead on all advertising will be “Newuskin, Nu U!” In addition, the following marketing statements have been pre-cleared.

Be the best you, you can be with the help of Newuskin.
Let the new you look exactly like the old you.
Enjoy the taught soft skin of your prime.
Tell Mother Nature and Father Time that they’re not in charge anymore.
Add some dark to your tall and handsome.
Newuskin, new you.

Other Considerations
All excess biological materials leftover from the Newuskin process must be recycled, cremated, or dealt with in a discreet, legal manner. We encourage you to investigate the laws regarding the disposal of such materials in your jurisdiction. We also require you to carry the appropriate liability insurance and sign an agreement freeing the company from any possible litigation. In some cases, Vereserum will ask for a forced dissolution contingency agreement to secure its interests.

If you think you and your facility meet all of these requirements and you agree to these conditions, please contact our sales department. We’ll verify some basic information and start the process. If we find everything to be up to our standards, you’ll be able to offer the most prestigious and advanced beauty treatment in the world. It is our sincere hope to include you in the Newuskin family soon!

STORYLINE

Chop House Adds Skin-Eating Prawns To Menu

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There may not be a better place to get a steak on the entire planet. Bob Abramo’s Chop House has won numerous awards and the all-you-can-eat Long Pig Buffet is a pork lovers dream. However, the most recent item on the menu has some crawling in their skin. Since the beginning of the month, the restaurant has been selling The Kokua Wellness Center’s exfoliating shrimp to customers brave enough to eat them. Abramo says the shrimp are delicious and “perfect for those with an adventurous appetite.” Health officials have called the prawns “technically safe to eat.”

Bob Abramo is no stranger to unusual promotions or serving up a spectacle. His Meat Museum has been the talk of Lahaina since it’s opening a few months ago, but many say the prawn special is a plate too far. While Tahitian prawns are a common Spring-time treat for many Hawaiians the thought of eating ones that have fed on human skin and hair can be stomach-turning. According to those brave or foolish enough to order them, their unusual diet is a selling point.

Randy Wilcox is a self-professed adrenaline junky whose taste for thrills extends to what’s on his plate. He says that the prawns sit at the top when it comes to extreme foods.

“I’ve tasted it all and lived to tell about it. I’ve eaten so much fugu that my hands went numb. I’ve downed plate after plate of Sannakji and managed to keep the tentacles from suctioning themselves to my throat. I even ate half a wheel of Casu Marzu on a dare and didn’t get sick but these skin prawns are the bomb! Sure, all those other foods are exotic but the prawns have one big thing going for them that the others don’t. They are absolutely delicious! I’m not sure what it is about a diet of skin and hair that makes these things so sweet and juicy but Bob knows what he’s doing. I’m not worried about them making me sick, but I do wonder how they’d taste if you added some fingernails in the mix.”

Even though Mr. Wilcox clearly has no apprehension about the safety of consuming skin eating prawns, many have voiced concerns. Medical Director of the Lahaina Medical Center, Dr. Dahlia Forsythe says she understands the public’s unease but doesn’t think eating the prawns is dangerous to your health. “It’s just really gross,” she says.

“There are some really good biological reasons why cannibalism is taboo in virtually every culture and society. Eating other people can make you really sick. Kuru, a form of transmissible spongiform encephalopathy (TSE) caused by eating the brain of another human, is a disease similar to mad cow that can cause tremors, loss of coordination, and eventually death. There are a number of other prion diseases that can be transmitted through cannibalism as well as blood diseases like hepatitis, Ebola, and HIV. The good news is that it is highly unlikely that any of these conditions could be passed on through these prawns. Unless the spa is feeding whole bodies to these little guys, I don’t think there’s anything to worry about physically. However, I’d say that anyone who willingly wants to eat a shrimp that has been feeding on human skin and hair might benefit from some time with a good therapist. Seriously, there are better things to eat out there.”

For his part, Bob Abramo stands by his decision to serve Kokua prawns saying the taste and empty plates speak for themselves. Bob says he understands the attention but says the outrage comes from vegetarians and those with limited palettes. “It’s not like we’re hosting Donner Party dinners here,” he says

“I usually think of shrimp as a garnish. I prefer to eat proteins that don’t disappear in one bite, but when I heard about these Kokua prawns it got my stomach and brain churning. Waygu beef comes from cows fed large amounts of beer every day and some of the best hams in the world come from pigs who eat nothing but acorns right before the slaughter. I always say that meat is the spice of life and I started thinking about what prawns fattened up on people would taste like. I’m happy to announce that the answer is delicious!

We’re offering the prawns in three amazing preparations. Our Shrimp Grampy dips our biggest prawns in a tasty tub of garlic, butter, and fresh parsley to help wash your hunger away. Shrimp and Fritz pairs these sweet river treats with a handmade german style sausage and spaetzle. Of course, my personal favorite is the tempura sampler featuring three different dipping sauces inspired by our head line cooks. Customers can enjoy these lightly battered food dreams with a spicy Tilly oil, a tangy Chuck sauce, or a refreshing Brent yogurt dip. Whatever preparation you choose, you’ve won the culinary jackpot. Take a bite and I think you’ll agree that sometimes it’s good to have some hair in your food.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Spa Offering “Prawn Massages” To Clients

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World-renowned for its high-end beauty treatments and a client list that includes some of Lahaina’s most influential people, The Kokua Wellness Center and Spa is not afraid to push the boundaries of health and wellness. The center was one of the first to offer cutting edge Newuskin technology to its customers, as well as providing many other exotic procedures designed to treat the mind and body. However, a new program has many questioning if Kokua has gone too far. The spa is now offering exfoliating hair removal sessions facilitated by giant freshwater prawns. Dubbed “Prawn Massages” by the media, the center says the sessions are “the most natural method of hair removal available” while environmentalists call it a potentially dangerous exploitation of an invasive species.

While the thought of having hand-sized prawns all over your body may make your skin crawl, Yvonne Masters Promotions Coordinator for the Kokua Wellness Center claims it’s an amazing way to get rid of unwanted hair and stimulate your immune system. Masters says the new program is just the latest to embrace traditional and natural methods of promoting health and beauty.

“We’ve been offering Urchipuncture sessions for over two years now, and our line crayfish collagen-infused health drinks has become one of our best selling supplements, but these prawn sessions are truly amazing. We use locally sourced Tahitian Prawns from crystal clear streams and an all-natural attractant cream specially designed right here at the center. They may be called Tahitian prawns but when you see how good they are at removing hair from those hard to reach areas, you’ll swear they’re from Brazil.

These prawns are truly nature’s perfect hair removers offering several benefits besides glowing smooth skin. Five pairs of swimmerets gently relax the mind with their natural rhythms, while five pairs of walking legs draw out toxins and exfoliating the skin. However, it is the extraordinary long feeding arms and specialized mouthparts that make these creatures a depilatory dream. It’s the most natural way to remove unwanted hair and available exclusively at Kokua.”

The spa claims that the waiting list for a prawn session is now over three weeks long, but many are questioning the wisdom of using an invasive species in such a way, not to mention the dangers of letting an animal with pincers work on your delicate areas. One such person is the DLNR’s Greg Ionia. While he concedes that the spa isn’t doing anything illegal, he worries about spreading an already prolific invasive species to pristine areas.

“Anyone who’s gone to a Spring event or a graduation party has seen plates full of these prawns. They’ve become a hugely popular treat, but it’s important to remember that they are not native to Hawaii and not particularly good for our native species. In 1956 state workers brought 340 of the prawns from Guam to Hawaii. By 1969 people had spotted the prawns in 42 different streams across all the Hawaiian islands. I’m afraid with the popularity of these treatments the prawns will find their way into our few remaining pristine streams. I won’t comment on the actual physical safety of prawn massages. I wouldn’t personally feel comfortable with an animal plucking and chewing off my hair but I don’t think anyone is in danger. I can’t say the same for our native wildlife.”

Despite Kokua’s reassurance about the safety of the procedure, many have complained about pinches, bites, and superficial scrapes. Some have reported other serious complications involving the spa’s special attractant cream used to help the prawns target specific areas. A resident of Tanager Lane, Shelby Pio is no stranger to the spa but says she’s telling all of her friends to skip the prawn massage after her experience.

“To be honest I haven’t had the best luck with beauty treatments but I was sick of waxing and laser treatments so I thought I’d give the prawns a try. The exfoliating and other health benefits seemed like a big plus. They gave me the cream and told me to rub it where I wanted the prawns to focus and to make sure I thoroughly wipe off my hands before settling into the pool. It was a little weird at first. The prawns moved a lot faster than I expected but in no time I was so relaxed it felt like I was floating. Once you get over the initial shock it feels amazing. It was so tranquil that I fell asleep and that’s when the trouble began.

I guess I didn’t wipe my hands well enough and must have touched my head at some point. All I know is that one minute I’m dreaming about angels massaging my temples and the next minute I’m waking up to find giant prawns crawling over my face. They completely removed my eyebrows and left my head looking like I lived through a nuclear disaster. The spa offered a discounted Newuskin treatment to fix everything but we’re not made of money. I spent the next month wearing wigs and drawing on my eyebrows every morning. Regardless of what they say, there was nothing natural about the way I looked once the prawns were done with me.”

STORYLINE

Association Seeks to Ban SSHAM Oil Production In Lahaina

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SSHAM oil may be the hottest health and beauty product on the shelves this year, but not everyone is singing its praises. A wedding planner organization is seeking to shut down the production of the uniquely smelling oil in Lahaina, saying the odor associated with its manufacture is driving tourists away. SSHAM says that they are breaking no laws in the production process, and take great steps to contain the smell to the area around the facility. Fans of the oil admit it is an acquired smell, but not one so bad that it would affect tourism.

Weddings and honeymoons are a big business in Maui. The destination wedding market accounts for $26 billion worldwide, with almost 40,000 destinations weddings in Hawaii every year. According to the Hawaiian Association of Certified Wedding Planners (HACWP), SSHAM oil is putting the industry at risk. Spokesperson Helen Ki’i says the smell from the factory is making some newlyweds consider other, better smelling, destinations. “It’s quite overpowering on certain days,” she says. “If the wind is right the smell from the oil plant is too much for even the most determined bride. It’s true that we have some of the most beautiful beaches in the world, perfect for once in a lifetime photographs and memories, but that doesn’t matter if the air smells like you’re over-frying fermented shrimp and sauerkraut in a pot of rotten lard. We’ve had fewer bookings this year than ever before, and our referral business is almost nonexistent. The stench is killing our business and whatever they’re doing to make something that smells like that can’t be good for people. We’re asking the courts to halt SSHAM oil production in Lahaina until a reasonable solution can be found. I know it will help our customers, and Lahiana residence breathe a little easier, once the factory is closed.”

SSHAM released a statement that the production process for the prized oil is completely safe, and legal. The company says, “We simply take the same SSHAM you’d find on the shelves of your favorite stores and render the fragrant and beneficial oils in a special heating process, filter out any impurities, and condense the product for maximum efficacy.” The company points out that animal products have long been used in health and beauty products. Beaver castoreum, the yellow secretion from their castor sacs, and whale ambergris are both highly prized. In addition, they say that people have been making a less potent version of SSHAM oil for years and recipes can be found on their SSHAM Stories page. “We understand that the smell may be a bit unusual the first time you encounter it, but it is completely safe, and we try hard to limit its spread from our facility. We are currently looking into technological solutions to sequester any escaping odors, and believe a complete shutdown is unwarranted at this time.”

While the smell of its manufacture, and the oil itself, may turn some stomachs, many swear by its medicinal and therapeutic properties. The Kokua Wellness Center was one of the first businesses to embrace and promote the powers of SSHAM oil. The exclusive Spa has been offering the oil in various treatments for over a year. Center Director Autumn kohu ‘ole says that she has personally felt the power of SSHAM oil. “It’s a hugely powerful tool in our Wellness toolbox,” she says. “Even though it’s produced from animal products, it acts just like an essential oil. Its naturally occurring, volatile aromatic compounds are some of the strongest I’ve ever seen. Better yet, SSHAM oil can be used in all three ways that other essential oils are. Topically, the oil kills bacteria, heal scars, and minimize marks on the skin. Ingested, the oil stimulates hormone and digestive enzyme production and the aromatherapy applications include mood enhancement and confidence building. It’s definitely not a one trick pony. I will admit that the smell takes some getting used to, but its health benefits far outweigh any initial gagging. I don’t know what our customers would do if we had to discontinue oil treatments.”

Long-time SSHAM oil user, Brandi Essen agrees with Autumn. Essen has been receiving treatments for over 6 months and says she doesn’t know how she’d get through a week without it. Essen says that it’s similar to living someplace in the country, near a farm. “You just get used to the smell after awhile,” she says. “People have been using aromatherapy for over 5,000 years. Some of those smells can be quite strong, but that’s the point. I don’t think the occasional factory smell wafting downtown is a big deal. SSHAM oil works. If it didn’t, do you think someplace as upscale as Kokua would offer it? SSHAM oil provides relief to millions across the globe, myself included. I know that if I can make it an hour in a room that smells like fish heads and burnt bacon stewing in sour wine, while someone puts hot rocks on my back, and rubs my legs with nettle paste, I can make it through anything at work.”

Residents (and their noses) on both sides of the issue, should have a decision about SSHAM oil production in Lahaina, by the end of the week.

STORYLINE

DLNR’s New Plan for Invasive Species: Eat the Invaders

The Hawaii Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) has started an innovative and unusual campaign to rid Maui of one of the fastest-growing invasive species, the Red Swamp Crayfish. According to the DLNR, the crayfish eats crops, damages land, kills native species, are easy to catch, and are absolutely delicious. They are counting on the stomachs of hungry Hawaiians to do what years of chemical control efforts couldn’t hold the crustaceans in check.

Like so many of Hawaii’s invasive species, the story of the Red Swamp Crayfish, Procambarus clarkii, is one of unintended consequences. Introduced into taro patches near Ahuimanu Stream in O’ahu, the crayfish population exploded and became a serious threat to taro cultivation. The pests have been documented to consume taro, and rice, prey on insects, snails, and the eggs of native fish species. If that wasn’t bad enough, their burrows can cause bank erosion along streams and rivers, as well as drain taro fields.

With the help of tourists and collectors, the crayfish soon found their way to other islands, Maui in particular. Chemical controls over the past few years have proved ineffective at slowing down the population, and many are concerned about the use of potentially dangerous chemicals inside the preservation zone. After it was discovered that SSHAM affected the crustacean’s nervous system, many local streams were “chummed” with the canned meat product in an attempt to kill them off. However, the practice was stopped out of concerns about the long-term consequences on native species. “To be honest we were running out of ideas,” says the DLNR’s Greg Iona. “It was a trip to Louisiana by one of our officers that sparked the consumption campaign. We’re focused on getting the word out about the crayfish and letting people know that there is a great new seafood option right out their backdoor. They really are easy to catch, and quite delicious when prepared correctly.”

The State’s campaign highlights the abundance of crayfish in many streams around Lahaina and offers an open season on the pests. The DLNR provides cooking and catching tips on their website, as well as information regarding the damage caused by the species every year. Many local businesses are jumping on board, with local eateries offering crayfish dishes, and SSHAM CEO Art Pua’a saying the company plans on offering a clarkii blend within the next month. Nonetheless, not everyone is sold on eating the pests.

Hula Noodle owner Ralph Umeke says the crayfish will never be offered in his noodle shop. “They call them mudbugs for a reason,” he says. According to Umeke the crustaceans are foul-tasting and potentially dangerous.

“They’ve been putting a lot of pressure on restaurant owners to help promote this idea of theirs. They’ve even offered to provide the crayfish for the first few months for free, but I just can’t do it in good conscience. I’m not sure I have the words to describe what one of these things taste like. They’re awful. There isn’t enough garlic, butter, or rum in the world to make them edible. Imagine finding a pool that hasn’t been cared for in a couple years, drain it and wipe up the scum on the bottom with a piece of bread, that’s close. The first one I tried made me retch. Not only do they taste bad, but they are potentially dangerous. After doing a little research, I found that they have a propensity to accumulate environmental contaminants like: heavy metals, dangerous organic runoff compounds, and pesticides. They can also be vectors for several harmful human parasites including: the lung fluke, rat lungworm, and leptospirosis bacteria. I think trapping them is fine, but I wouldn’t put one in my mouth.”

The DLNR says that like many animals, crayfish living in polluted waters can be dangerous, but the water quality on the island makes them safe to eat. Despite what Umeke may think, they encourage the public to give the crayfish a try. Many are doing just that. Over the past weeks, crayfish fever has hit the island, and many businesses are cashing in. The Kokua Wellness Center is touting a line of crayfish-infused tonics and fresh fruit drinks.

Spokesperson Yvonne Masters says, “We are excited to offer a large variety of clarkii collagen infused health drinks. These natural healing tonics are perfect for: weight loss, boosting immunity, increasing bone density, and enhancing the skin. We use only local crayfish, blend them onsite, and extract the collagen fresh every day to maximize flavor and potency. We are recommending the drinks to our clients as a supportive health aid, to be used in conjunction with their usual Newuskin treatments.”

Rather than consumption, local inventor Ano Lee is focusing on catching the crayfish. Even though Lee himself recently battled a life-threatening leptospirosis infection, one of the pathogens found in the species, he says he is excited about the open season and has designed a unique trap perfect for catching buckets full.

“The pyramid-style trap, with three entrance funnels has been the industry standard for a long time because it is nearly perfect for its intended purpose. My design is similar, with adjustable funnels so it can be used on a variety of crustaceans including crabs, and spiny lobster, but that isn’t what sets my traps apart. It’s the sonic lure, that makes the difference with our traps. Most crustacean fishing is passive with scent lures designed to draw in your intended targets, but my traps send out a continuous low frequency pulse that calls out to the crayfish, and draws them in. I’m not sure if it’s an aggression or a sex thing, but they sure come running when they hear the noise.”

Lee disregards complaints that the sound produced by his traps has caused pets to become agitated, and reports that they have led to insomnia, unusual dreams, and ringing in the ears in people living near an active trap. He says, “It’s springtime and it’s only natural that animals are going to be more vocal at this time of year. The same goes for people. Sometimes you have weird dreams and can’t sleep. It happens to everyone. It happens to me all the time. I would suggest that these people get some noise-canceling headphones if it bothers them that much, and look up some crayfish recipes because they are going to catch a ton with my traps.”

STORYLINE

Spa Faces Backlash Over New Astrological Pricing

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Lahaina’s Kokua Wellness Center and Spa is world renowned for its exclusive clientele, cutting-edge health services, and high-end beauty treatments, but a new pricing scheme has many long-time customers seeing red. The bastion of serenity has ruffled plenty of feathers recently with their introduction of an astrological pricing system. The price of many popular treatments can now cost up to 150% more depending on your birthday, and the time of the year you book your appointment. Many are accusing the famous spa of discrimination, while Kokua says they are simply adjusting prices to properly reflect the varying degree of difficulty in treating clients throughout the year and honoring their employee’s work.

Word of the new pricing system has spread quickly across the island, despite the lack of an official announcement from the spa. Opponents say that relaxing with West Maui’s rich and famous with the gorgeous wilds as a backdrop, is a dream for many, that will now never be realized thanks to the new program. The Mayor’s Office says they have received several official complaints and are looking into the matter to determine if any laws have been broken.

Kokua spokesperson Yvonne Masters says that astrological signs are not protected groups under the law. She contends that the new pricing model is not about making more money, but is simply a reflection of the difficulty in creating “stunning outcomes” for everyone at all times. “This is simply a way for us to keep our high standards and protect our beauty facilitators at the same time,” she says.

“Like many great ideas, the astrological pricing system wasn’t something thought up in a boardroom or accounting office, it grew naturally amongst our employees until it was ripe for implementation. It all started one day when it was unseasonably cold and rainy. A sort of malaise was spreading quickly through the spa, but we were powerless to identify the underlying cause all morning. By the afternoon, I knew we were facing a crisis. I ordered everyone to attend an emergency tonal therapy session to clear the fatigue and discover the cause of the funk that seemed to hang in the halls and treatment rooms. After a few role-playing exercises and an extensive review of the day’s survey cards, someone pointed out that all the customers that day were air signs.

It suddenly made perfect sense. The problem wasn’t us or the weather, it was the discordant vibrational energy of our customers. We might have been able to push through it if it was any other time of the year, but unfortunately, we have to take our clients as we find them. We all scrambled to cleanse the building and reset our centers, while I looked for the emergency amethyst. While we strive to give clients all the nurturing guidance we can, it became apparent that we needed to make significant changes to our monetary offering guidelines to properly reflect our efforts.”

Chef Craig Hoomaau, a certified nutritionist and transpersonal plating-arts instructor at Kokua, says he supports the spa’s decision even though he has had to cancel a class due to the backlash. “I’m proud to teach in a place that is so proactive in seeking unorthodox solutions to unconventional problems.” He adds, “There’s no doubt that we can use food and purposeful plating techniques to shape our mind and body, but there’s no denying that we are cast from a mold shaped by the time and place we were born. Everyone knows that an Aries can’t work harmoniously with a Cancer, so it’s not so strange to think that all healing is not achieved by the same level of effort.”

Most legal experts agree that there is nothing illegal about the new pricing scale, but wonder if the center can survive this latest round of bad press. “I understand that they can charge whatever they want, but they should have said something before my spa day began. What was supposed to be a relaxing afternoon turned into a nightmare,” says customer Shelby Pio.

“I had recently gone through a health scare experimenting with a beauty treatment that left my face partially paralyzed for a few weeks. To be honest, my hopes and dreams had drooped almost as low as the right side of my face. Then my husband gave me a spa day certificate to the Kokua Wellness Center. Normally I would have asked where he got the money for such a lavish gift, but I was so excited that I didn’t care. I wiped the tears from my left cheek and booked a time later that month. I had no idea what a mistake that was.

I was all done with my dermal peel, nail replacement, and eyelash thickening when they told me that the certificate didn’t cover my treatment because of my birthday. They wanted over $1000 more, and that didn’t even include the mandatory 20% gratuity. I couldn’t believe it and asked why I wasn’t told beforehand. I was told that the astrological pricing system was new so they didn’t have time to change all the printed information yet. When I said that it was unacceptable and wouldn’t pay the upcharge, they threatened to take back my nails and eyelashes. I had just spent the last month getting over the stares the palsy brought on, and couldn’t imagine going through all that again so I put the upcharge on my credit card. I’m no expert on the zodiac, but I can tell you that another trip to the Kokua Wellness Center isn’t in my stars.”

STORYLINE

Record Setting Solar Prominence Highlighted By Eclipse Remains a Mystery

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The eclipse on April 20 attracted astronomers, amateur stargazers, and eclipse chasers from all over to the island. The exceptionally dry and clear weather of West Maui makes it a perfect place to view astronomical events. A partial eclipse isn’t the rarest event in the universe but what was discovered that day is changing what we know, or don’t know in this case, about stars. A record setting solar prominence was clearly visible to all and has many worried about what effects Veilcorp’s Icarus Project is having on the sun.

One of the most impressive features of the sun is a solar prominence. The fiery loops of plasma extending far outward into space, following magnetic fields, are as beautiful as they are impressive. These gigantic loops of plasma can extend far into space. An average sized prominence can reach out thousands of kilometers, with the largest recorded before April 20 measuring over 800,000 kilometers long. Prominences can last a long time, days or sometimes even months. However, the prominence activity noted on the day of the eclipse is unlike anything astronomers have ever seen.

While many are concerned, Aldrick Lehmann, astronomer and lead engineer of the Hoku telescope, urges caution, noting that scientists are still researching how and why prominences are formed.

“The truth is that we just don’t know what could be categorized as normal. We’ve only had the technology to properly study the phenomena a short time. What we can say accurately is that we’ve never seen so many prominences at once before, and the first recorded description is from the 14th century. In addition, the longest has been estimated to be over 1.3 million kilometers long, that’s almost twice as long as any ever observed before, roughly the diameter of the sun. A coronal mass ejection from a prominence so large would of course be a concern. It’s interesting that this sort of activity has never been seen before the start of the Icarus Project, but I can’t say that Veilcorp is responsible, or even that it’s dangerous. What is clear however, is that we need more time and data in order to understand what is going on.”

Veilcorp has no shortage of critics, but the Icarus Project has easily been the most controversial program in the company’s history. Extracting 127 (Unbiseptium) directly from the sun, the program has been a target for environmentalists and safety officials alike. However, until now, most concerns have been focused on the economic and environmental impact that the increased exposure and stockpiling of 127 would cause. Despite Veilcorp safety assurances, the effects of the project have been a point of contention, with both sides citing conflicting studies. This is the first time that there has been any evidence that the project is impacting the sun itself, and it has many worried.

Sebastian Malu, a Barraloha instructor at the Kokua Wellness center and founder of the Eternal Cycle Church has been one of the most vocal critics in Lahaina. Over the past two months, he and his followers have camped out in front of the municipal Veil Station, protesting the company’s continued solar extraction of 127.

“The sun is the heart of our solar system. It’s energy feeds the plants and those of us who are able to tap into our inner beings. The Icarus project has pierced our heart and is feeding like a parasite from this most vital cosmic organ. Like other sensitives, I felt an increase in my electromagnetic energy as soon as the project started. I must admit that at first I appreciated the upgrade in intuition and awareness that I received, but the intensity of that increase began to be problematic. I spend a good portion of my day now trying to slow down my absorption of the sun’s energy before it’s too late. I urge other enlightened souls to do the same. I know it can leave you exhausted, but until we convince Veilcorp to stop stabbing our heart, it’s our best option.”

Veilcorp spokesperson Lisa Hunt says that the Icarus project is a multinational endeavor and points out that the brightest minds from around the globe have deemed the project safe. “While the cause of the prominences observed on April 20 are uncertain, the science surrounding the safety of the Icarus Project is clear. There is not, and never has been, any indication that the solar extraction of 127 is dangerous: to the sun, to the planet, to plants and animals, or to people who pretend to have magical powers. Remember, Icarus simply harvests 127 that is naturally made in the corona and captures it before it decays into less interesting elements, it doesn’t increase production in any way. I suggest we all take a deep breath, stop believing everything we read on the internet, and let the scientists study this amazing solar event.”