STORYLINE

Unprecedented start to hurricane season has many worried

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2047 is turning out to be the worst hurricane season in recorded history, and that has many Maui residents concerned and looking for answers. Less than two months into the season and the island has already weathered 2 tropical storms and a full fledged hurricane. The extraordinary string of bad weather has many worried that Veilcorp activity is to blame, while other islanders have slightly more spiritual concerns about the storms.

Tropical storm Iopa hit the islands hard on May 7th this year, a full month before hurricane season officially begins, but that was just the beginning. Hurricane Kika followed soon after with tropical storm Lana cresting land a few weeks ago. While the storms caused relatively little damage to populated areas, the frequency of activity this year has many worried. Now, with tropical depression Maka looming and Neki following and gaining strength quickly, residents are looking for answers and some relief.

The last time a category 4 hurricane hit Hawaii was back in 1992. On September 11 hurricane Iniki passed directly over the island of Kauai. By the time it had passed, the storm had killed 6, destroyed 1,400 homes and caused more than $1 billion in damage. None of the storms this year have matched that intensity so far, but meteorologists say that Neki is following a similar path and is growing rapidly.

Many believe that an infamous Veilcorp program is to blame for the increase is storms. Since it started solar production of 127 (unbiseptium) in 2046, the Icarus project has been a lightning rod for Veilcorp opponents. Many claim that the change in weather patterns can be directly tied to the notorious project.

Critics say that worldwide exposure to 127 has increased drastically since the project began and that it is too soon for any study to make a definitive finding one way or the other about its safety. They point to a marked increase in major storms and changing weather patterns worldwide since Icarus began as proof that the issue needs more attention. Locally, many are concerned that the increase in 127 is having an impact on native flora and fauna. Calls for an investigation by the Department of Land and Natural Resources have gone unanswered so far, but activists remain vocal.

The corporation says that concerns are unfounded and that there is no proof that the project has any effect on the weather, sea, or animals. They point out that Veil technology has relied on 127 since its inception over 20-years-ago, and that there is no evidence of any long-lasting negative effects.

Still others on the island worry that Veilcorp activity has caused a cosmic crisis and that the unusual weather patterns are a symptom of a spiritual sickness. One such believer is Sebastian Malu. A Barraloha instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center in Lahaina and the founder of the Eternal Cycle Church, Malu says that Veilcorp should have consulted an astrologer before beginning the Icarus project.

He says,

“It’s insane to me that nobody at Veilcorp realized that harvesting energy from the center of our solar system in a year in which Mercury was occulated by the sun and Saturn was experiencing its summer solstice was a bad idea. Add to that the fact that there were 2 partial lunar eclipses in 2046, followed by 2 total eclipses this year and it’s a recipe for disaster. Just look at how bad the storms have been so far and we’re just getting started. The hurricane season lasts another 4 months. I know it’s popular to dismiss the wisdom of the ancients but they were given a blueprint for life and had a rich understanding of the great cycles that we have all but lost. The Melchizedek pattern and the Great Wesak cycle came together in April and May last year. It should have been a time of discernment and higher vibrations, instead Veilcorp ramped up their parasitic activity and muddied the cosmic water for all of us. I’ve been warning all my students and parishioners that our mother and the universe will have to make adjustments in order to return to balance. I believe the storms we’ve seen so far are part of that process. It’s not a coincidence that Neki is on its way just in time for the lunar eclipse on July 7th. It’s going to take a powerful storm to wash away the stain Veilcorp has left, and I’m afraid that’s exactly what’s coming.”

Whether it’s just an unusual natural cycle, a product of Veilcorp experiments, or a cosmic cry for help, the storm season this year is already one for the record books. Many residents are already preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. Officials are tracking the storms closely and say they could reach land in a matter of days.

STORYLINE

60-year-old Lahaina Man Brings Lawsuit To Lower His Age 20 years

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We live in an amazing time in history. The integration between man and machine has never been tighter thanks to ceremplants, and with Veilcorp technology you can travel the globe virtually instantaneously (once you make it through the security lines), but turning back the hands of time is still a bridge too far, or is it? One Lahaina man says that for all intents and purposes he’s actually 20 years younger than his birthday would lead you to believe, and is suing to have his birth year officially changed.

Former Dean of The University of Maui Lahaina College, and current life coach, 60-year-old Brian Mahelona says he has the body and mind of a man decades younger and has the paperwork to prove it. Through frequent Newuskin treatments and controversial stem cell rejuvenation therapy, Mahelona claims to have “revitalized” himself and is physiologically indistinguishable from someone almost half his age. Now, backed with doctor reports and lab results, he is asking the State to change his age in their records. “You can change your name. I don’t see why you can’t change your age if you really are physically younger than what your birth certificate indicates,” he says.

Unsurprisingly, the case has grabbed headlines over recent weeks, but Brian is no stranger to being in the news. Just last year he resigned his position as dean due to allegations of inappropriate behavior and misappropriation of funds to fuel what reports called “a Newuskin treatment obsession.” However, no criminal charges were filed in the case, and Mahelona vigorously denies doing anything illegal. He acknowledges that he acted at times with poor judgment, but says he’s learned from his missteps and is serious about his case.

“I know a lot of people out there are thinking that I’m some crazy old guy who lost his job because he would show up at college parties, tailgate with the student body, say inappropriate things and spent every last dime he had on Newuskin treatments and tailored stem cell injections, but that’s not true at all. I’m definitely not old! I’ve devoted everything to rejuvenating my body and it has really paid off. I’m not just bragging, I’ve quantified my strength, potency, and vigor with the help of medical professionals. I feel like a young god because I’ve transformed myself into one. I can’t believe what I see in the mirror, and I find myself looking a lot. A man the age of the one on my birth certificate is limited. As someone in their 40’s I still have a lot of options when it comes to cars, dating, employment, and life in general. I just want the government to acknowledge what’s obvious to anyone looking at me, and change my date of birth.”

Newuskin spokesperson and Kokua Wellness Center promotions coordinator Yvonne Masters says Mahelona’s transformation is impressive but pushes back at the idea that treatments will actually make you younger. “There’s no doubt that regular Newuskin treatments will benefit your overall health, and have a stunning effect on your outward appearance, but make you younger? No, I’m afraid that’s something we can’t claim. We are in awe of what Mr. Mahelona has been able to accomplish through regular treatments, purposeful eating and plating practices, and his laser-like focus on manifesting his personal truths. However, I can’t say that we can reverse the aging process quite yet. On the other hand, if the State does agree that Mr. Mahelona is in fact younger because of the vitality imbued by our treatments….well that would be a different story. In either case, there is no denying the amazing results his determination and our technology have created.”

Officials say there is little chance Mahelona is going to be successful as there is no legal mechanism allowing a person to change their birth date. A Maui court is expected to rule on the matter by the end of the month, but the court of public opinion seems to have already come to its own verdict, and it’s not good for the former dean. Holly Kalili a Junior at the university and a sister in the Psi Pi Chi sorority says students were initially amused by Mahelona’s antics, but now most just feel bad for him.

“At first we were all like ‘Is that the dean playing beer pong?’ It was kind of funny I guess. He was trying to hang out with us and talk like us, but it was also kind of weird, like when your parents try to talk with you like they’re your friend and not your parents. It’s not that I don’t like old people. I absolutely love watching Malie’s List, that show where the old lady on her scooter crosses things off your bucket list. But she’s like over a hundred, that’s inspirational old. Dean Mahelona is just sad old. I guess he looks good for his age, but I mean 40 is too old to hang out at frat parties too. I just hope he gets the help he needs, and stops doing things that put him in my newsfeed.”

STORYLINE

New Kokua Treatment Promises to get You Sick Ahead of Valentine’s Day

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Lahaina’s Kokua Wellness Center is renowned for its lavish health and beauty treatments, as well as its exclusive clientele, but now a new offering is promising to make Kokua your go-to destination to get sick. Customers receiving the new “Rhinage” therapy inhale a viral-laden mist designed to “train your immune response naturally” and allowing you to “get sick on your schedule.”

While the idea of inhaling a sticky viral cloud may seem gross or even dangerous to most, spokesperson Yvonne Masters says the Rhinage treatment uses viruses harvested from a select group of people in a clinical setting, and is a safe alternative to needles and pills. Masters acknowledges that the idea of paying for what amounts to a sneeze in the face is off-putting, but counters that the treatment is all natural, and allows those with busy lives the flexibility of scheduling their sick days. She says,”Knowing when you are going to be sick is now among the many luxuries we can offer our clients.”

“Nothing is worse than being sick on Valentine’s Day, and there’s no better gift for that certain someone in your life than a healthy you. With that special day waiting right around the corner the time is right for Rhinage. The process is completely painless and takes only minutes. Our specially harvested rhinoviruses, from our exclusive pool of donors, have proven to be 95% effect after the first treatment, training your immune systems to be strong and resilient. The mist is warm and pleasant, allowing you the freedom of getting your cold out of the way. The world has never moved at a faster pace and you already schedule everything in your life. Now you can schedule your sick days too, with the help of Rhinage.”

Although the promise of planning your sick days like you would a vacation may seem intriguing to some, most medical professionals are skeptical of Rhinage’s safety, and its ability to keep people from getting sick after a treatment. “That’s not how the science works. On top of that, it’s just really nasty!” says Dr. Dalia Forsythe, Medical Director at the Lahaina Medical Center.

“The first issue is that despite their claims, this is not how vaccinations work. When you get vaccinated you are introducing a dead or weakened antigen into the body so it can build up an immune response without being overloaded. These people are using an active viral load. They are basically canning sneezes and spraying people with them for money. Going around and licking doorknobs would be just as effective. In addition, there are over 200 types of rhinoviruses, so if you really want complete immunity, you’d need to get sprayed in the face hundreds of times.

Lastly, as far as I know these treatments aren’t conducted in hermetically sealed rooms, and under virtually none of the usual lab protocols one would expect when handling live viruses of any type. This is not like one of those old fashioned chicken pox parties people used to hold before the vaccine was widely available in the late 1990’s. There’s serious potential for real harm here. There’s no telling what specific antigens have been introduced during storage, or are floating around in the treatment room. We’re talking about something that has great potential to mutate into more dangerous forms. This is exactly how a plague starts. In my opinion, Rhinage is a snotty time bomb waiting to go off.”

For some, Forsythe’s warning may have come too late. Despite assurances from Kokua that there is no evidence the treatment can lead to anything more serious than a mild cough, sore throat, and some congestion, Lahaina resident Gary Puniwale disagrees. He says Rhinage was not only NOT right for him, it led to some serious health issues.

“Like many I saw the ads lat month about Rhinage and how it could guarantee a sick-free Valentine’s Day, so I made an appointment right away. I don’t have the best luck on that day. To be honest it’s been historically disastrous for me. I’ve been: dumped multiple times, been in two head-on collisions, broken my leg diving, broke my clavicle falling off a horse, needed over 100 stitches after cutting my leg on some coral, nearly drowned, gotten food poisoning multiple times, and was bitten by both a dog and a pig on Valentine’s. I figured no matter how bad it got this year, at least I wouldn’t be sick. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out that way.

The treatment itself was a little repugnant but fine overall. They lead you into a little room. You sit in a really comfy chair while someone cleanses the air by ringing a bell. Then they give you a little spritz in the face with this thing that looks like an old perfume bottle. It’s a little sticky, but that’s it. When I woke up the next day however, I had a rash all over. I wrote it off at first, thinking it was just a reaction to the cheap laundry detergent I bought. But as the day went on I started to get the chills and decided to go home early and get some sleep. Next thing you know I’m bleeding from my eyes and ears. They think it might be a rare strain of dengue fever, but I haven’t traveled anywhere so they’re not sure. We’re still waiting on some tests. I had counted on a runny nose but not all the blood and IVs. They say love is blind, and I’m just hoping I’m not by the time this is all over.”

STORYLINE

Is Your Facility Right For Newuskin?

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As you can imagine, demand for our Newuskin tables has been great, to say the least. Vereserum has received so many requests for our technology in fact, that we have put together this guideline to help weed out facilities not ready to properly administer a Newuskin device. It is our hope that this outline will effectively communicate the minimum requirements and expectations associated with becoming a Vereserum partner and leasee of Newuskin technology. If your facility and clientele meet our basic requirements please contact our sales department. Nothing that follows is legally binding and terms are subject to change at any time.

Your Facility
Newuskin is cutting-edge technology that requires special backup power supplies and a special facility. Our rejuvenation tables require a dedicated power source and seamless backup supply. The delicate nature of the process means that one of our devices can never be without power. In addition to the power requirements, your facility must meet strict guidelines. Your building must have been built or had a major renovation within the last 6 years. Unless it is located in an especially unique area (lone building on an island, on top of a mountain, destination hotel, etc.) all of our partner locations must be at least 7,000 square feet. We also require a full audit of the facility before installation to make sure that the towels, chairs, fixtures, decorations, and various other items inside are of sufficient quality.

Your Financials
We require that our partners turn over a complete financial history of the facility and any owners/partners with more than a 10% interest in the business. We require tax returns for all the above parties going back 10 years. In addition, we ask that a forward-looking business plan be filed highlighting how you plan to integrate our technology into your facility, and what your goals for the next 5 years are.

Your Clientele
Almost as important as the quality of your facility is the quality of your clientele. We require a complete list of all your clients with the appropriate contact information. Your combined clientele must meet our minimum total income levels, social media reach, and average age demographics. We are a new technology and are trying to market to a younger demographic so a facility with younger clients will be looked upon favorably. Any clients of note (actors, singers, media personalities) will of course rank your facility higher than others.

Messaging
All advertising about our products and devices must be cleared with our marketing department. All messaging must focus on skin/hair changes and imply surface treatment only. The full organ/body replacement nature of the process must never be mentioned. If pressed by a client you are to present them with the information packs we will provide. In addition, you must refrain from answering any specific questions about the length of time the treatment will last. We encourage using a vague statement like: “Best of all, the results after one session can last months! “ The lead on all advertising will be “Newuskin, Nu U!” In addition, the following marketing statements have been pre-cleared.

Be the best you, you can be with the help of Newuskin.
Let the new you look exactly like the old you.
Enjoy the taught soft skin of your prime.
Tell Mother Nature and Father Time that they’re not in charge anymore.
Add some dark to your tall and handsome.
Newuskin, new you.

Other Considerations
All excess biological materials leftover from the Newuskin process must be recycled, cremated, or dealt with in a discreet, legal manner. We encourage you to investigate the laws regarding the disposal of such materials in your jurisdiction. We also require you to carry the appropriate liability insurance and sign an agreement freeing the company from any possible litigation. In some cases, Vereserum will ask for a forced dissolution contingency agreement to secure its interests.

If you think you and your facility meet all of these requirements and you agree to these conditions, please contact our sales department. We’ll verify some basic information and start the process. If we find everything to be up to our standards, you’ll be able to offer the most prestigious and advanced beauty treatment in the world. It is our sincere hope to include you in the Newuskin family soon!

STORYLINE

Lahaina Spa Offering “Prawn Massages” To Clients

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World-renowned for its high-end beauty treatments and a client list that includes some of Lahaina’s most influential people, The Kokua Wellness Center and Spa is not afraid to push the boundaries of health and wellness. The center was one of the first to offer cutting edge Newuskin technology to its customers, as well as providing many other exotic procedures designed to treat the mind and body. However, a new program has many questioning if Kokua has gone too far. The spa is now offering exfoliating hair removal sessions facilitated by giant freshwater prawns. Dubbed “Prawn Massages” by the media, the center says the sessions are “the most natural method of hair removal available” while environmentalists call it a potentially dangerous exploitation of an invasive species.

While the thought of having hand-sized prawns all over your body may make your skin crawl, Yvonne Masters Promotions Coordinator for the Kokua Wellness Center claims it’s an amazing way to get rid of unwanted hair and stimulate your immune system. Masters says the new program is just the latest to embrace traditional and natural methods of promoting health and beauty.

“We’ve been offering Urchipuncture sessions for over two years now, and our line crayfish collagen-infused health drinks has become one of our best selling supplements, but these prawn sessions are truly amazing. We use locally sourced Tahitian Prawns from crystal clear streams and an all-natural attractant cream specially designed right here at the center. They may be called Tahitian prawns but when you see how good they are at removing hair from those hard to reach areas, you’ll swear they’re from Brazil.

These prawns are truly nature’s perfect hair removers offering several benefits besides glowing smooth skin. Five pairs of swimmerets gently relax the mind with their natural rhythms, while five pairs of walking legs draw out toxins and exfoliating the skin. However, it is the extraordinary long feeding arms and specialized mouthparts that make these creatures a depilatory dream. It’s the most natural way to remove unwanted hair and available exclusively at Kokua.”

The spa claims that the waiting list for a prawn session is now over three weeks long, but many are questioning the wisdom of using an invasive species in such a way, not to mention the dangers of letting an animal with pincers work on your delicate areas. One such person is the DLNR’s Greg Ionia. While he concedes that the spa isn’t doing anything illegal, he worries about spreading an already prolific invasive species to pristine areas.

“Anyone who’s gone to a Spring event or a graduation party has seen plates full of these prawns. They’ve become a hugely popular treat, but it’s important to remember that they are not native to Hawaii and not particularly good for our native species. In 1956 state workers brought 340 of the prawns from Guam to Hawaii. By 1969 people had spotted the prawns in 42 different streams across all the Hawaiian islands. I’m afraid with the popularity of these treatments the prawns will find their way into our few remaining pristine streams. I won’t comment on the actual physical safety of prawn massages. I wouldn’t personally feel comfortable with an animal plucking and chewing off my hair but I don’t think anyone is in danger. I can’t say the same for our native wildlife.”

Despite Kokua’s reassurance about the safety of the procedure, many have complained about pinches, bites, and superficial scrapes. Some have reported other serious complications involving the spa’s special attractant cream used to help the prawns target specific areas. A resident of Tanager Lane, Shelby Pio is no stranger to the spa but says she’s telling all of her friends to skip the prawn massage after her experience.

“To be honest I haven’t had the best luck with beauty treatments but I was sick of waxing and laser treatments so I thought I’d give the prawns a try. The exfoliating and other health benefits seemed like a big plus. They gave me the cream and told me to rub it where I wanted the prawns to focus and to make sure I thoroughly wipe off my hands before settling into the pool. It was a little weird at first. The prawns moved a lot faster than I expected but in no time I was so relaxed it felt like I was floating. Once you get over the initial shock it feels amazing. It was so tranquil that I fell asleep and that’s when the trouble began.

I guess I didn’t wipe my hands well enough and must have touched my head at some point. All I know is that one minute I’m dreaming about angels massaging my temples and the next minute I’m waking up to find giant prawns crawling over my face. They completely removed my eyebrows and left my head looking like I lived through a nuclear disaster. The spa offered a discounted Newuskin treatment to fix everything but we’re not made of money. I spent the next month wearing wigs and drawing on my eyebrows every morning. Regardless of what they say, there was nothing natural about the way I looked once the prawns were done with me.”

STORYLINE

Association Seeks to Ban SSHAM Oil Production In Lahaina

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SSHAM oil may be the hottest health and beauty product on the shelves this year, but not everyone is singing its praises. A wedding planner organization is seeking to shut down the production of the uniquely smelling oil in Lahaina, saying the odor associated with its manufacture is driving tourists away. SSHAM says that they are breaking no laws in the production process, and take great steps to contain the smell to the area around the facility. Fans of the oil admit it is an acquired smell, but not one so bad that it would affect tourism.

Weddings and honeymoons are a big business in Maui. The destination wedding market accounts for $26 billion worldwide, with almost 40,000 destinations weddings in Hawaii every year. According to the Hawaiian Association of Certified Wedding Planners (HACWP), SSHAM oil is putting the industry at risk. Spokesperson Helen Ki’i says the smell from the factory is making some newlyweds consider other, better smelling, destinations. “It’s quite overpowering on certain days,” she says. “If the wind is right the smell from the oil plant is too much for even the most determined bride. It’s true that we have some of the most beautiful beaches in the world, perfect for once in a lifetime photographs and memories, but that doesn’t matter if the air smells like you’re over-frying fermented shrimp and sauerkraut in a pot of rotten lard. We’ve had fewer bookings this year than ever before, and our referral business is almost nonexistent. The stench is killing our business and whatever they’re doing to make something that smells like that can’t be good for people. We’re asking the courts to halt SSHAM oil production in Lahaina until a reasonable solution can be found. I know it will help our customers, and Lahiana residence breathe a little easier, once the factory is closed.”

SSHAM released a statement that the production process for the prized oil is completely safe, and legal. The company says, “We simply take the same SSHAM you’d find on the shelves of your favorite stores and render the fragrant and beneficial oils in a special heating process, filter out any impurities, and condense the product for maximum efficacy.” The company points out that animal products have long been used in health and beauty products. Beaver castoreum, the yellow secretion from their castor sacs, and whale ambergris are both highly prized. In addition, they say that people have been making a less potent version of SSHAM oil for years and recipes can be found on their SSHAM Stories page. “We understand that the smell may be a bit unusual the first time you encounter it, but it is completely safe, and we try hard to limit its spread from our facility. We are currently looking into technological solutions to sequester any escaping odors, and believe a complete shutdown is unwarranted at this time.”

While the smell of its manufacture, and the oil itself, may turn some stomachs, many swear by its medicinal and therapeutic properties. The Kokua Wellness Center was one of the first businesses to embrace and promote the powers of SSHAM oil. The exclusive Spa has been offering the oil in various treatments for over a year. Center Director Autumn kohu ‘ole says that she has personally felt the power of SSHAM oil. “It’s a hugely powerful tool in our Wellness toolbox,” she says. “Even though it’s produced from animal products, it acts just like an essential oil. Its naturally occurring, volatile aromatic compounds are some of the strongest I’ve ever seen. Better yet, SSHAM oil can be used in all three ways that other essential oils are. Topically, the oil kills bacteria, heal scars, and minimize marks on the skin. Ingested, the oil stimulates hormone and digestive enzyme production and the aromatherapy applications include mood enhancement and confidence building. It’s definitely not a one trick pony. I will admit that the smell takes some getting used to, but its health benefits far outweigh any initial gagging. I don’t know what our customers would do if we had to discontinue oil treatments.”

Long-time SSHAM oil user, Brandi Essen agrees with Autumn. Essen has been receiving treatments for over 6 months and says she doesn’t know how she’d get through a week without it. Essen says that it’s similar to living someplace in the country, near a farm. “You just get used to the smell after awhile,” she says. “People have been using aromatherapy for over 5,000 years. Some of those smells can be quite strong, but that’s the point. I don’t think the occasional factory smell wafting downtown is a big deal. SSHAM oil works. If it didn’t, do you think someplace as upscale as Kokua would offer it? SSHAM oil provides relief to millions across the globe, myself included. I know that if I can make it an hour in a room that smells like fish heads and burnt bacon stewing in sour wine, while someone puts hot rocks on my back, and rubs my legs with nettle paste, I can make it through anything at work.”

Residents (and their noses) on both sides of the issue, should have a decision about SSHAM oil production in Lahaina, by the end of the week.

STORYLINE

Record Setting Solar Prominence Highlighted By Eclipse Remains a Mystery

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The eclipse on April 20 attracted astronomers, amateur stargazers, and eclipse chasers from all over to the island. The exceptionally dry and clear weather of West Maui makes it a perfect place to view astronomical events. A partial eclipse isn’t the rarest event in the universe but what was discovered that day is changing what we know, or don’t know in this case, about stars. A record setting solar prominence was clearly visible to all and has many worried about what effects Veilcorp’s Icarus Project is having on the sun.

One of the most impressive features of the sun is a solar prominence. The fiery loops of plasma extending far outward into space, following magnetic fields, are as beautiful as they are impressive. These gigantic loops of plasma can extend far into space. An average sized prominence can reach out thousands of kilometers, with the largest recorded before April 20 measuring over 800,000 kilometers long. Prominences can last a long time, days or sometimes even months. However, the prominence activity noted on the day of the eclipse is unlike anything astronomers have ever seen.

While many are concerned, Aldrick Lehmann, astronomer and lead engineer of the Hoku telescope, urges caution, noting that scientists are still researching how and why prominences are formed.

“The truth is that we just don’t know what could be categorized as normal. We’ve only had the technology to properly study the phenomena a short time. What we can say accurately is that we’ve never seen so many prominences at once before, and the first recorded description is from the 14th century. In addition, the longest has been estimated to be over 1.3 million kilometers long, that’s almost twice as long as any ever observed before, roughly the diameter of the sun. A coronal mass ejection from a prominence so large would of course be a concern. It’s interesting that this sort of activity has never been seen before the start of the Icarus Project, but I can’t say that Veilcorp is responsible, or even that it’s dangerous. What is clear however, is that we need more time and data in order to understand what is going on.”

Veilcorp has no shortage of critics, but the Icarus Project has easily been the most controversial program in the company’s history. Extracting 127 (Unbiseptium) directly from the sun, the program has been a target for environmentalists and safety officials alike. However, until now, most concerns have been focused on the economic and environmental impact that the increased exposure and stockpiling of 127 would cause. Despite Veilcorp safety assurances, the effects of the project have been a point of contention, with both sides citing conflicting studies. This is the first time that there has been any evidence that the project is impacting the sun itself, and it has many worried.

Sebastian Malu, a Barraloha instructor at the Kokua Wellness center and founder of the Eternal Cycle Church has been one of the most vocal critics in Lahaina. Over the past two months, he and his followers have camped out in front of the municipal Veil Station, protesting the company’s continued solar extraction of 127.

“The sun is the heart of our solar system. It’s energy feeds the plants and those of us who are able to tap into our inner beings. The Icarus project has pierced our heart and is feeding like a parasite from this most vital cosmic organ. Like other sensitives, I felt an increase in my electromagnetic energy as soon as the project started. I must admit that at first I appreciated the upgrade in intuition and awareness that I received, but the intensity of that increase began to be problematic. I spend a good portion of my day now trying to slow down my absorption of the sun’s energy before it’s too late. I urge other enlightened souls to do the same. I know it can leave you exhausted, but until we convince Veilcorp to stop stabbing our heart, it’s our best option.”

Veilcorp spokesperson Lisa Hunt says that the Icarus project is a multinational endeavor and points out that the brightest minds from around the globe have deemed the project safe. “While the cause of the prominences observed on April 20 are uncertain, the science surrounding the safety of the Icarus Project is clear. There is not, and never has been, any indication that the solar extraction of 127 is dangerous: to the sun, to the planet, to plants and animals, or to people who pretend to have magical powers. Remember, Icarus simply harvests 127 that is naturally made in the corona and captures it before it decays into less interesting elements, it doesn’t increase production in any way. I suggest we all take a deep breath, stop believing everything we read on the internet, and let the scientists study this amazing solar event.”

STORYLINE

Case In Third Veilcorp Bombing Suspect Faces Legal Roadblock

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The case against the third suspect in the Veilcorp Luau bombing has hit a major roadblock. While she is still being held for trial, attorneys for 35-year-old Sierra Tabot have alleged that major pieces of evidence in the case against her were obtained improperly as part of a wide-ranging illegal rendition program. They contend that the government colluded with Veilcorp officials to wrongfully hold and interrogate dozens of suspects in undisclosed locations. If proven to be true, it could have a devastating effect on the State’s case not only for Tabot, but also for her alleged conspirators.

The Veilcorp bombing back on May 4, 2041 shocked the world. 39 were injured and 10 people lost their lives including founder Eric Oeming’s wife and young daughter. 3 days later Ben Drakes, a Veilcorp employee with ties to the radical environmentalist group Gaia Guard, confessed to the crime and released a manifesto accusing the company of “tearing her [the Earth] apart with gateway technology.”

The arrest so soon after the attack led much of the public to expect a quick resolution to the investigation but it was over 6 months before the next suspect was apprehended. On January 15, 2042 Richard Yates was arrested for his involvement in the conspiracy. A branding associate at Reality Machine, Yates had moved to Lahaina to work on the inter-island rail project and blamed Veilcorp for the project’s early end.

The case seemed to be picking up momentum again when earlier this month the government released some additional information about their case against Yates and arrested a third suspect, Sierra Tabot.

The state says that Tabot was working as a Barraloha instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center when she met Richard Yates. The two seemed to bond immediately over their shared hatred of Veilcorp and the company’s leader, Eric Oeming. The pair were soon inseparable and Sierra’s fellow employees began to worry about her stability. Ascended Pali-ites Master Autumn says,

“Sierra began to travel down some troubling paths. She became obsessed with the idea that the Veilstation was powered by draining the Ch’i of the living things around it and the people passing through the gateway. She talked about how the scientists and engineers working at the station were spiritually hollow and that they were trying to make everyone else hollow too. It began to affect her work and we had a few complaints from guests. The final straw came when she burst into another instructor’s class one day with a handful of her crystals, screaming about how they were no longer attuned and tried to evacuate the building. Management had to let her go.”

After her dismissal, Tabot found work with Kaiwi and Sons catering. The State says that it was at this time that Sierra and Yates became heavily involved with Gaia Guard extremists and met with Drakes for the first time. They contend that after discovering Kaiwi and Sons was scheduled to provide food for the annual Veilcorp company Luau, the trio began to craft the plan that would eventually claim 10 lives and stun the world.

Any forward progress in the case was stopped over the weekend however, when Tabot’s legal team accused the government and Veilcorp of participating in an illegal rendition program. They say that dozens of possible suspects were taken and improperly held at secret facilities, where they were interrogated and in some cases, tortured. The backlash has been quick and overwhelming.

U.S. Rep. John Kildee has been very vocal about the allegations and just this morning has called for a congressional investigation into the charges, “I think the American people deserve to know if Veilcorp has decided that it’s OK to snatch people out of thin air. As troubling as that idea is, I think it would be even more disturbing if it turned out that someone in this government gave them a green light or was working with them. These are not the kind of ideas that this country was founded on and I intend to find the truth.”

Veilcorp attorney Harold Breen counters, “Veilcorp works with government or law enforcement officials from time to time, by providing personal or travel details about certain customers when presented with the proper orders or writs. Nonetheless, to be clear, and for the record, we do not grab people while they are veiling and transport them to internment camps. These allegations are categorically false.”

At this point, while she sits waiting in her cell, the future of the case against Tabot is on hold until the courts rule on her lawyer’s allegations. If even some of her accusations prove true it could have huge ramifications. Yates’ case has already been slow and mired in motions, but this could derail the case entirely. There have been calls for the President to put a temporary stay on Drakes’ execution by a small but growing and vocal group. Any hope that the long investigation might finally come to an end seems all but lost at this point. Tonight, there is still no peace for the victims in Lahaina.

STORYLINE

Veilcorp and Lahaina Rally Around Injured Tourist With History of Vacation Mishaps

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A Colorado man is recovering in the Lahaina Medical Center this morning, after suffering a severe stingray attack yesterday, while wading in the Baby Beach area with his wife. Stingray attacks can be very painful and require medical attention, but doctors realized 60-year-old Robert Waldowski’s injuries were quite serious, after x-rays revealed that a portion of the fish’s stinger was still embedded in his heel, dangerously close to his tibial artery. While the attack was noteworthy, it is not the reason that Robert is in the news this morning, and why so many have pledged to do all they can to make what’s left of his trip as nice as possible. It turns out Mr. Waldowski has a long, (almost unbelievably long), history of animal attacks while on vacation.

“I wasn’t surprised at all when I felt the stab in my foot,” says Robert. “I remember telling my wife, ‘it’s happening again,’ just before I blacked out from the pain.” The story of Waldowski’s animal attacks begins back in the year 2000 when he was a senior in college, enjoying a spring break with his friends, in the mountains outside of Denver. “We were just throwing around a ball and waiting for breakfast. I didn’t even see the mountain lion until the back of my neck was in it’s mouth. I spent a week in the Hospital that time.”

Robert says the same group of friends convinced him to go with them to Pack Creek Alaska, to watch brown bears during the salmon run the next year. The area is known for having one of the largest concentrations of brown bears in the world when the fish are spawning, and is a favorite place to go for nature lovers, and those trying to get pictures of huge bears. However, in 2001 Pack Creek was famous for a horrendous bear attack caught on film. “That was a bad one. It took a few months before I was back on my feet,” adds Robert.

The list of attacks continued for years: gored and trampled by a bison while visiting Yellow Stone Park in 2004, Robert spent 3 days in a hospital in 2006 after being bitten by a bushmaster, the longest viper in the world, while on vacation in Bolivia, and while on safari in 2009, Waldowski’s boat was capsized by a bull hippo with many in his group never found alive. “It wasn’t just the Hippos we had to worry about, the river was full of crocodiles too. Some of us made it to a sandbar after the Hippo bit the boat in half. We waited 20 hours in ankle deep water, worried that a crocodile was going to grab one of us, until help arrived. I love the outdoors and nature, I really do, but sometime during those hours standing there, I accepted that for whatever reason, nature did not like me. I promised myself that the wilderness adventures were done and all my vacations were over. If I made it, I’d stay safe and sound where I belonged. I kept that promise for 30 years, until my wife convinced me to go to Lahaina for my 60th birthday. There weren’t any animals that could hurt me if we stayed in town, and we’d only wade a few feet out into the water, and only where there was shark netting. I guess they haven’t invented stingray netting yet,” says Robert.

“When Veilcorp heard about the Waldowski’s story we had to do something to turn Robert’s luck around,” says Veilcorp Spokesperson Lisa Hunt. “We’ve offered to pay for the remainder of their vacation, and have pulled a few strings to make sure that the rest of their visit is a great one. On top of that, we’re going to give them tickets for another vacation next year, anywhere in the world they’d like to go. We’re not much on superstition around here, but we’d suggest someplace with few large predators” joked Hunt. This is not the first time the company has offered tourists in unusual circumstances free travel. Last Fall, Harrison Lehmann was given free tickets for life after he was born inside the Lahaina veilstation.

“We heard that Robert likes looking at the stars, so we’ve arranged a private tour of the newly operational Hoku Telescope and ‘Science City’,” says Hunt. Hula Noodle owner “Uncle” Ralph Umeke says the couple can enjoy a free meal any time of day for the rest of their stay. He adds, “The shop is 100% pet free so Robert doesn’t have to worry about being bitten or scratched while he’s enjoying a bowl of noodles.”

Even the exclusive Kokua Wellness Center and Spa has offered their support to the Waldowskis. Wellness specialist and spokesperson Yvonne Masters says, “We’d love to do anything we can to help the Waldowskis cast aside the negative feelings of the last few days, through massage, tonal therapy, and our relaxing urchin-based body scrub. We’d even like to offer Robert a complimentary crystal cleanse, and aura realignment to make his presence more agreeable to wildlife.”

Robert and Amy say they can’t believe the outpouring of concern and support, “I guess Aloha Spirit is alive and well in Lahaina,” says Amy. She adds, “We want to thank everyone who’s sent cards and letters, as well as all the businesses offering their support, especially Veilcorp and Ms. Hunt. Robert can’t wait to get out of here, and see the telescope. In the meantime, we’re going to do a little research and try to find a place we can use our free tickets, that doesn’t have any poisonous animals.”

STORYLINE

Kokua Wellness Center’s Hot Yoga Program Raises Concerns

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Well known for their exclusive clientele, as well as their unconventional classes and treatments, the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa is often the subject of media attention. However, it is not the latest Layla Kalani sighting that has the spa in the news today, it’s the centers first offsite hot yoga program. With classes such as Attitudinal Interpersonal Marketing, and Mindful Chewing, you might wonder why Kokua’s hot yoga class is in the news. The answer to that is simple, this hot yoga class is taught near an active lava field.

According to Sebastian Malu, barr-a-loha and lava yoga instructor, hot yoga has many benefits. It can: cleanse toxins from the body due to profuse sweating, increase lung capacity, and circulation, boost the body’s immune system and regenerative properties, increase flexibility, and help with weight loss. He points out that a person who performs 90 minutes of hot yoga can burn over 700 calories. Nonetheless, Malu says his brand of hot yoga offers many more benefits.

“Though we try to pretend otherwise, the four fundamental elements are essential to good health and overall well-being. The truth of this is undeniable. The benefits of water aerobics and aqua therapy are well known. We are only beginning to understand how beneficial things like acrobatics and aerial exercise can be to happiness and balance. While those practices focus on the restoration of only one element, lava yoga harnesses the power of earth to keep you grounded and fortify your spirit, as well as invigorating your mana with fire, using that powerful energy to manifest your interpersonal goals.”

Taught at the foot of Kilauea’s most active lava field, Malu says his yoga classes are so popular that they are fully booked for the next three years. “I’m in the process of hiring an assistant so we can let more people experience the power of lava yoga, but the screening process is long and quite involved.”

Though the possibility of being covered in magma while in “dolphin” pose, may seem terrifying to some, Malu says that lava yoga is quite safe. “We recommend that all of our students wear fire retardant clothing just to be safe, but honestly, there’s very little chance of being seriously burned. Heat resistant suits are much too bulky to wear during lava yoga, so your proximity to the magma is limited. I tend to teach the class a blistering few hundred feet away, but I tell beginners to double that, and be mindful of the wind. Lava yoga is perfectly safe and may be the most complete physical and spiritual exercise ever conceived.”

Despite Malu’s reassurances many experts say that lava yoga is dangerous, and potentially deadly. They point out that lava is not the only danger of being near a volcano, it is often the gases released from the ground that are the most deadly. Greg Iona from the DLNR says, “The flow in the area is slow enough generally that I’m not concerned about people being overrun by lava, it’s a cloud of carbon dioxide settling down and asphyxiating people that I’m worried about. There are a number of harmful gases that should cause these people concern: sulfur dioxide, hydrogen sulfide, hydrochloric acid and carbon monoxide, just to name a few. There’s a reason volcanologists usually wear some sort of respiratory device while working near a volcano.”

Despite warnings from experts, many are willing to take the chance, and find the prospect of exercising in the shadow of a volcano exhilarating. Professional drinker, and Manimal spokesperson Tony “Half-Barrel” Kahale credits lava yoga with revitalizing his career.

“I’ve swallowed thousands of gallons of Manimal in my career, but I couldn’t swallow losing the Red Bottle 5-years-ago. It was a real low point. For 9 years I had been able to drink more Manimal, faster than anyone on the planet. It was everything to me, and when I lost, I lost more than the title. I lost who I was. Then I met Sebastian, and my life changed forever. He explained I had been living an unbalanced life. I had flooded my inner fire and earth. If I was going to get back on top, I needed to get rid of some of my water, and imbue myself with other energies. He was right. You wouldn’t believe how much you can ring out of my clothes after a session of lava yoga, it could fill a kiddie pool! I’ll be honest, the smell is pretty bad, and so are the vapors coming from the volcano. It’s like someone shoved rotten egg salad wrapped in burning hair up your nose, but you can’t argue with the results. I won my title back last year, and plan on defending it in a few months. They say the strongest steel has to go through the hottest fire. I don’t know anything about that, but I can tell you that lava yoga has my desire burning hotter than ever, and man am I thirsty!”