STORYLINE

SSB&P Seeks Motivated and Desperate Applicants To Fill Positions Immediately

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Since 1975, Suter, Stine, Burn & Partners (SSB&P) has developed a regional and national presence serving a diverse client base with advice and legal counsel. Since the fracturing of the veils, we have expanded our presence to other dimensions as well. Research indicates that we have been the largest law firm in any world for the past 67 years. In that time, we have continued to evolve and grow to meet our client’s needs, even if we have to create and exploit those needs.

Our culture and ruthless desire for success creates a fast paced and dynamic team environment. We offer an aggressively competitive atmosphere, where many employees falter, and a few reap massive rewards. With the recent uptick in restored individuals, we are looking to replace some of our underperforming staff. If you feel like you are better than our worst, or have just run out of options, SSB&P is interested in hearing from you.

Job Summary: Our Interdimensional Innovators are responsible for being SSB&P’s representative in other dimensions, making our firm known to any and all survivors. In this role you will uses zeal, guile, persuasion, and intimidation to assist with a variety of functions such as: serving legal documents, research and settlements, menacing, customer extortion, contracts, and internal/external communication.

Key Responsibilities: (Other random duties as assigned)

  • Create and maintain an active presence on other worlds that are critical to the firm’s objectives, monitor emotional responses to ensure proper levels of alarm and consistent messaging.
  • Develop and support the implementation of the organization’s litigation strategy, as well as related guidelines and training for branding.
  • Relate trends, responses, and expectations through accurate company logs and thorough knowledge of your dimension.
  • Assist in harassing/punishing those who refuse to comply with our demands and develop metrics to gauge the success of our terror initiatives.
  • Conduct regular audits of changing environments and power structures to ensure the organization is maintaining an optimal mix of legal maneuvering and physical threats. Informing the main office when new avenues of revenue are revealed.
  • Deliver subpoenas and threats in a timely manner to meet projected deadlines.

Minimum Requirements:

  • Self motivated with an ability to survive in a number of unknown environments. Ability to go to any lengths to serve legal documents and return with signed paperwork. (Deep understanding of social psychology, communications, and a sadistic streak preferred)
  • Extensive familiarity with spotting weaknesses and exploiting them. Familiarity with locks and infiltration techniques a bonus.
  • Direct, hands-on experience with coercion, or a level of desperation to do anything we ask.
  • Strong knowledge of social media propaganda and methodologies.
  • Exceptional customer service skills and undying loyalty to the firm.

Competitive total compensation package includes: clean water, shelter, coffee and muffin bonuses for hitting goals, vacation time, and matching 401k. Company weapon, private sleeping area, and substantial rations available after 90 days.

Successful completion of a personal compliance screening required. This is an entry level position, and does not have any supervisory or leadership responsibilities.

Work Environment:
Operates in a number of hostile conditions, and substantially exposed to adverse environmental conditions. Nearly continuously required to sit, use repetitive hand motion (such as stabbing), hear/listen, talk, run, swim, fight, and stand. Often required to evade angry groups, bend, and lift up to 100 pounds.

Other Duties: Please note this job description is not designed to cover or contain a comprehensive listing of activities, duties, or responsibilities that are required of an Interdimensional Innovator. Duties, responsibilities, and activities may change at any time with or without notice, and on our whim.

SSB&P is an Equal Opportunity Employer and Antagonizer: SSB&P is committed to the principle of employing and intimidating people equally. We provide work that encourages harassment, but is free of discrimination. All employment decisions at SSB&P are based on greed, convenience, and business needs without regard to race, color, religion or belief, national, social, ethnic or dimensional origin, sex (including pregnancy), past or present military service, family medical history or genetic information, or any other status, other than those that would prevent employees from executing our will and overall plans. SSB&P encourages applicants of all ages.

Don’t let the end of civilization be the end of you. With the help of our highly trained and motivated team, your opportunity is deeper than deep, it’s infinite!

STORYLINE

SSB&P Audit Discovers Numerous Kanaka Violations In The Mission

Attention: Lahaina residents and business owners.

SSB&P’s case continues against the Lahaina Merchants Association (LMA) regarding the trademark infringement of the well-known Manimal brand, by the organization’s production and sale of Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” drinks. We are confident that the case will be adjudicated in our favor, and urge anyone with any further information in the case, to contact one of our Interdimensional Innovators immediately.

As part of the trademark case, we have been conducting an audit of property, tax, and relevant public records regarding businesses, groups, and individuals in the Lahaina area. That investigation has turned up a number of violations and inconsistencies. Most of these issues revolve around the Kanaka in the property now referred to as the Mission.

Our audit is not finished, and the violations listed below do not represent a complete list of our findings. If you are concerned that you, or a loved one is operating an illegal business, owe back taxes, or are using a piece of debris that you do not own, we urge you to retain our services today. Doing so may lessen the total amount you owe, and end any investigation on our part.

The following notice reflects all information discovered by our investigators and freely available from pre-fracture public documents. Being the largest and last law firm in any world for the past 65 years, SSB&P prides itself on its ruthless efficiency, and our ability to negotiate a settlement that is heavily weighed in our favor.

It has come to our attention that the current owners, (the group calling themselves the Kanaka), of the building commonly referred to as, “The Mission”, are 23,861 days past due on their rental payments, and 23,719 days late paying their property taxes. In addition, the building has numerous safety and accessibility violations. It routinely exceeds its maximum occupancy, and does not have clearly marked exits. The proximity to the ocean requires a full time lifeguard, which is not present, and annual environmental paperwork which has not been filed for over 65 years, just to name a few. As a result, we have been forced to draft this letter of eviction.

The Kanaka of Lahaina are hereby required to vacate the building commonly known as, “The Mission” within fourteen calendar days, counting weekends and holidays. If you do not comply with this notice, you will be served with a Summons and Complaint for unlawful detainer. Unlawful detainer is when you remain in possession of rental property after the owner serves you with a lawful notice to leave, such as this eviction notice. If you are found by the court to be in unlawful detainer, you will be evicted by the court and you will be liable for:

  1. Any rent due and unpaid through the end of your tenancy, less any amounts you pay us, or we receive from the next tenant.
  2. Damages caused by your unlawful detainer of the rental property. This includes, but is not limited to: weapon damage done to the floors, any claw marks on doors, removal of bloodstains from carpet, and any missing window treatments.
  3. Damages for any waste of the rental property caused by you, or any refugees you have housed in the past 65 years. (Waste is damage you or your guests cause beyond normal wear and tear including damages caused by Green Ladies, Night Marchers, Menehune, Trophy Hunters, or Shrig attack)
  4. Attorney fees, investigation reimbursement, and court costs. You must alert us in writing within three calendar days of your willingness to participate in mediation. Mediation shall take place within seven days of receipt of your written notification with a mediator of our choice. If you fail to provide this written notification within three days and/or you fail to participate in mediation within seven days, be advised that we intend to proceed with legal or equitable relief.

If you fail to reach a settlement and/or leave the structure within 14 days, we will be forced to shut off any and all public utilities, and report the above violations to the appropriate governmental agency. If such an agency no longer exists, we will: create one, staff it, give it jurisdiction over the matter, and commence sending you threatening letters until you comply, or worse. We look forward to further litigation with you in the future.

STORYLINE

Lahaina City Council Votes to Put Severe Restrictions On Ceremplant Use

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It many soon be illegal to use your Ceremplant while driving or crossing the street in Lahaina. The proposal passed with a 6-3 vote in favor with Councilmembers Bob Abramo, Annie Martin, and Ernest Malu voting no.

A number of larger municipalities have recently passed measures making Ceremplant use while driving punishable with a fine but the Lahaina law is by far the most stringent, covering a wide variety of activities. Proposal 7 would prevent pedestrians from using phones, pagers, cameras, handheld devices, computers, and Ceremplants while crossing the street. In addition it would further ban the use of those technologies while cutting hair in a salon, cooking food in a restaurant, applying a tattoo, or while working as a lifeguard in the city limits.

Those caught face fines of $200 for the first offense, and up to $1000 for a third citation. Supporters say that the proposal will hold pedestrians, motorists,and those working in the service industry accountable for their actions and help reduce accidents caused by distractions. They point out that in 2045 alone, 4,398 people were killed in distraction related crashes. Over 513,000 people were injured in crashes involving a distracted driver, and 16% of drivers involved in fatal accidents, were reported to be distracted at the time. Critics point out that there is a lot of data about distracted driving but almost none covering the other possibly prohibited activities. They call the proposal intrusive, unconstitutional, and a gross government overreach.

Kurt Bickley of the law offices of Suter, Stine, Burn & Partners (SSB&P) calls the proposal “ridiculous” and says that his office has already been contacted by a number of individuals about possible legal proceedings should the ordinance pass.

“I have listened to music many times while cooking dinner and I have somehow always managed to never stab myself in the eye because I was so enthralled with the chorus. This is nothing but the nanny state trying to exert its authority. They have no research, studies, or proof that Ceremplants interfere with many of the activities included in the proposal. They certainly don’t have a legal right to ban their use. I will concede that there is evidence that driving while distracted is more dangerous, but if we’re going to legislate driving based on numbers we should look at the fatality rates of elderly drivers too. The fatality rates of drivers over 65 is 20 times that of those 25-64. Using the city council’s logic we should start banning early bird specials at local diners since those promotions are killing thousands of grandmothers and grandfathers a year. Honestly the only place I’d want this law to apply is in the lavatories in the council building where I swear Big Bob has Ceremplanted himself in the stall for hours at a time.”

Besides the legality of the bill, there is the matter of enforcement. The Lahaina police say they will be using specially made scanning ammeters which will be able to “help officers determine when a subject is actively using their Ceremplant in a prohibited manner.” Critics point out that the scanners haven’t been properly tested for safety or efficacy. Many have concerns about possible health ramifications and damage to their implants.

Kimberly Hekili a senior at the University of Maui Lahaina College says she’s very concerned about the proposed law and the damage the scanners may do.

“My vlog, ‘A Day In the Life of Kim,’ has thousands of followers and it’s not fair to me or them to limit my ability to express myself. How will my fans know when I’ve gotten coffee and how I feel about it as I walk to class if I can’t cross the street? I assumed I could get a waiver since A Day In the Life is consistently in the top 10 of Hawaiian Vlogs, but the office was very rude to me when I called and was anything but helpful. I’ve also heard that those scanners might break your implant or scramble your brain. I find both of those possibilities unacceptable. I have collected almost 4 years worth of my Psi Pi Chi sister’s photos and memories with my Ceremplant. They say you can’t put a price on a memory but I bet my dad’s lawyer can.”

The bill will now head to Mayor Albert Cravalho’s desk. The Mayor’s Office will hear public comments on the proposal for two weeks before making a decision. If signed into law, enforcement could begin in July.

STORYLINE

Legal Notice For Anyone Who Had Identical Twins or Triplets After Veil Travel

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Attention Anyone Who Has Traveled Using Velicorp Technology and Experienced a Multiple Birth. Your Rights May Have Been Violated.

For many, the birth of a child is a time of celebration. A milestone moment that harkens a new chapter of growth, and happiness in a family. In fact, some cultures believe that individuals are not truly adults until they have brought a child into the world. However, that joy and pride can quickly fade with the burden of identical twins or triplets. Medical costs for twins can be up to 70% more than a single birth. Triplets can rocket those costs even higher, with charges topping $400,000 in some cases. Recently released documents show that Veilcorp may be responsible for an unprecedented rise in multiple births.

In the past 4 years, the worldwide rate of twin births has jumped around 75%. The rate of triplets is even higher, with 120% more triplets being born in 2040 than 2036. While these increases could be partially attributed to the rise of fertility treatments, and advanced age in mothers, when the data focuses on Veilcorp travelers alone, the numbers are striking. Pregnant women using Veilcorp technology are five times more likely to give birth to identical twins, and fifteen times more likely to produce identical triplets. If you or a family member traveled using Veilcorp technology anytime after January 5th, 2037 and experienced a multiple birth, the law offices of Suter, Stine, Burn,& Partners (SSB&P) is interested in talking to you. You may qualify to join a proposed class action suit. Please contact SSB&P for a FREE case evaluation.

The Long Lasting Effects of Multiple Births

The hardships multiple births can place on new parents are real and many. Caring for a single newborn is daunting enough, but being responsible for twins or triplets can seem almost impossible. Parents of multiples commonly experience: mood swings, fatigue, anxiety, depression, nervous feelings about the future, problems with memory and concentration, hallucinations, a burning sensation in their limbs, fatigue, dizziness, nausea, heart palpitation, diaper weariness, double vision, restless sleep, night terrors, dry mouth, and hair loss. Unlike their single baby contemporaries, the parents of multiples are faced with many unique problems such as:

  1. Lifestyle Hardship – While it is easy enough to place a single infant in a baby carrier, traditional solutions are incapable of holding 2 or more children at the same time. Strollers are equally discouraging, with models designed for multiples being overly cumbersome for practical use. With so few reasonable options available, many parents are forced to remain virtually trapped in their homes for years, missing dinners, parties, and other social events.
  2. Economic Hardship – While it is true that more children means more food and diapers, there are a number of other costs that often go unrecognized. Many siblings can count on hand-me-downs from older brothers or sisters, but not multiples. Parents of twins or triplets soon find themselves with rooms full of discarded baby devices and equipment, with little chance of reuse. Reselling this equipment is hardly worth the time and effort. It is common for outgrown clothing and equipment to overtake whole rooms, wasting valuable space and eliminating man-caves, reading rooms, and gaming areas alike.
  3. Educational Opportunities – With the growing cost of education, and the dearth of good public learning institutions, it is hard to properly support a child through his or her educational journey. Unexpectedly having multiple children can make higher learning economically impossible. Many parents are forced to choose a child from the bunch that they believe has the best chance to succeed, and adjust college savings accounts appropriately. Many multiples must rely on grants and crushing loan debt to receive a proper education. Choosing a child “most likely to succeed” can lead to numerous family problems such as resentment, anger, and regret.
  4. Loss of Individuality – Having similar names, being dressed in the same clothing, and reaching milestones together, multiples routinely lack the strong sense of individualism that other children cultivate. While speaking a secret language known only to themselves may seem “cute”, it is not part of any college entrance exam, and does not help while interviewing for a job. Science remains undecided on the long-lasting effects of this remarkably strong bond, and blurred identity, but the real world social ramifications are clear. Having a identical duplicate is often perceived as “creepy” or “unnatural” and is often portrayed in negative ways in books and movies. This distrust from others can have crippling consequences to those dependent on sharing an identity.

How Does Veil Travel Lead To Multiple Births?

Veil Travel has become one of the most popular methods of transportation across the world because it offers a quick and convenient alternative to other modes of travel. However, the safety of this technology has been called into question with recently released internal documents showing that Veilcorp officials knew that veil travel has an effect on cellular processes. It is theorized that some unknown action during the veiling process is encouraging the growth of monozygotic multiple births, by over-stimulating egg division in expectant mothers.

It Sounds Like the Science Is Unsettled. Should I Wait for a Definitive Answer?

You wait for dinner at a restaurant, and for a game to load, not for the future of your family! Cases like this are settled out of court all the time. Without being listed as a formal complainant, you will not be eligible for any compensation. When someone asks you if you’d like to be part of a class action suit, you say “Yes!”

If you or a loved one suffered from an unexpected multiple pregnancy after using veil technology, and experienced any of the issues listed above, or fear you will, you may qualify to be part of a class action lawsuit. If you qualify, an attorney will contact you to discuss the details of your potential case at no charge to you.

Please Note: If you want to participate in this investigation, it is imperative that you reply to the law firm if they call or email you. Failing to do so may result in getting dropped from the suit, and forcing you to raise at least two children on your own. It is highly likely that Veilcorp is responsible for your multiple children. Shouldn’t they have to help you support them?