STORYLINE

The Story of Longboard Lei

The fracture made a lot of scary things you have to be worried about. Nobody wants to come across a green lady or a group of night marchers, but some of the biggest dangers in Lahaina don’t come from the monsters; they come from people themselves. Lots of survivors tried to make things better, like my grandpa, but lots decided to steal and take what they want also. One of the worst of those kind of people is Longboard Lei.

Nobody who lives on the water is safe from the pirate queen and her crew. They say that Lei took the weapons from all the old naval bases around the islands, and put them in a secret armory. They say that there are enough guns there to arm everyone on the island, but my dad says that it’s probably not true, and it’s just a story to make people even more scared of her.

What is true, is that Lei is a great surfer and ruthless. She hates cowardice more than anything else. In fact, if she attacks your village your best bet is to fight back. After an attack, Lei rounds up everyone who didn’t help protect their friends and they’re never see again, but she leaves the injured alone. There are lots of stories about how she got to be a good surfer and why she hates people who don’t fight back, but this is my favorite.

Lei was the daughter of a Kanaka fisherman. Along with her brothers and sisters, she would jump in her dad’s boat every morning and he whole family would go out far beyond the reefs to catch butterfish and mackerel. Her father would tell them all tales about the old world to keep them entertained. He’d talk of movies, traveling across the world in an instant, and how some people used do nothing but play games all day. Lei in particular loved hearing tales of the great old surfers, and would spend much of these fishing trips dreaming of a time when people could survive simply by being good at riding the waves.

Then Lei’s life changed forever. The fish had been harder and harder to find for months, and her dad decided to go out further than usual to look for them. They hadn’t traveled far from the usual fishing grounds when they were hit by a veilstorm. The sky changed color, the orange rain fell, and a massive surge built up beneath their tiny boat. A wave lifted them all high into the air, and the boat broke apart. It was the last Lei would ever see of her family.

The young girl awoke half drowned, clinging to a piece of wood, and floating in a cove. Something about being in the water terrified her, and she kicked as hard as she could to shore. She found herself on a rocky beach surrounded by cliffs. Lei sat for a while and considered her options. She decided to rest for a while and then swim around to see if she could find a better place to wait for help, but hours turned to days.

Every time she tried to go in the water, something inside her made her freeze. So she spent days catching slow crabs and prying snails off the rocks at low tide. She tried boiling sea water and catching the steam like her father taught her, but she wasn’t very good at it, and only collected enough water to make her even more thirsty. On the third day she began to see things and wondered how long it would be before she saw her family again. She watched the rope ladder fall down the cliff face and the old woman descend, but didn’t believe she was real until the coconut water touched her lips.

She was so thirsty that she spilled as mulch as she gulped. The woman said she had been watching Lei, and she was impressed. However, she wondered why whe never swam out of the cove to explore the island. Lei told the strange woman about her family, what had happened, and that she was scared. The woman hugged her close and said she understood because something similar had happened to her long ago.

She promised to help Lei and for the next few months the two were inseparable. While Lei talked about her friends and family freely, the old woman didn’t like to talk about her past. She told Lei that she used to be in movies and was a great surfer in her time. The girl assumed she was just trying to make her feel good until she arrived one day with a pair of crude surfboards. Seeing the skeptical look on Lei’s face the old woman said, “I was always better at riding them than building them,” and hobbled in the water. Lei was amazed! While she walked with a shuffle on land, the old woman deftly maneuvered her board in the water like she was part of the waves. It filled her with enough confidence that she ventured in the water too, and together they paddled out of the cove.

Lei saw that there were many tiny islands in the vicinity and the pair hugged when they reached the beach. For many years, the pair lived on the main beach and surfed every day. While she didn’t mind playing and swimming close to shore, she was still scared to venture out into the deep water. The old woman would take trips to one tiny island every week but refused to say why. She told Lei that if she was so curious, she could just swim out there herself and see. One night as the pair lay in their shelter the old woman hugged Lei close and told her that she was glad she had ended up on the island, and was happy that the end of her days would be spent with such a brave young woman.

The words burned deep inside Lei. As strange as it might sound, she always thought that she would be found. It never occurred to her that she might spend the rest of her life here. She decided that she needed to swim to the little island and see what the old woman was keeping there. It wasn’t a long swim, but Lei’s hands were tired from gripping her board so tight when she arrived. There was a tiny shack not far from the beach, and Lei was not prepared for what she found inside.

A beautiful but broken surfboard with a picture of a young woman who looked a lot like her old companion sat in the corner. There was a piece of driftwood adorned with shells and eight names carved into it with the words “Keep Kicking” underneath. On the wall hung a tattered wetsuit with the name, “Layla” written on the back. Lei was stunned. The old woman was the famous surfer Layal Kalani. Her father had told her stories of Layla. How brave she was, and how she was lost at sea and never found. As Lei thought about the stories, her family, and the old woman, her hands began to shake in anger.

The old woman had talked about not being afraid, but she had never tried to leave herself. She couldn’t believe that the stories her father told of the brave surfing legend who fought sharks, would just sit here and wait to die. She talked about courage but she had none inside her. Worse still, she wanted Lei to succumb to weakness and stay here herself. For the first time in her life she knew what was important. Her father was a good and hardworking man, but it didn’t matter. Her brothers and sisters were innocent and honorable but it didn’t matter. People talked of the bravery of Layla, the Queen of the Surf, but it was a lie. The only thing that mattered was not being a coward, and having the will to take and do what you wanted.

Lei put on the old wetsuit, kicked over the wooden memorial, and grabbed the largest piece of the broken board without a word to the old woman that had almost made her happy to stay on the island. They say her bitterness and anger only grew as she rode the currents. By the time she made land, the young daughter of a Kanaka fishermen was gone and Longboard Lei was all that remained. She would show everyone what someone could do when they didn’t give up and they were not afraid.

My mom doesn’t like when I tell this story to my brother because it scares him, and she says it has a terrible message. But I think it’s good because now he thinks if I get too mad at him for going through my things, I might turn into a pirate like Lei.

Akamai Mahelona
4th Grade
Pu`u School Lahaina

STORYLINE

Museum’s Kalani Tribute Marred By Injuries and Controversial Exhibit

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The surf was up and the spirits were low at the Lahaina Museum this weekend as the much anticipated Layla Kalani memorial opened to the public. Curators Balen and Maci Kiko say that thousands viewed dozens of exhibits related to Layla, and the sport she loved so much. Ranging from: surfing art and music, to a photographic history of the multi-time world champion’s life, and a look at how her board company was pushing the boundaries of surfing technology, visitors had a chance to learn more about one of Lahaina’s heros, and say goodbye one last time. At least that was what was supposed to happen. Instead, a controversial exhibit overshadowed the solemn event, sending dozens to the hospital.

Maci Kiko says she was hoping to avoid the controversy surrounding other recent high-profile Kalani memorials. “It was our intention to have something more dignified than a 30 foot tall Manimal dispensing statue with too many lights, and a horribly worded slogan. I’m sorry we couldn’t give that to the public,” she says. Ironically, it is Kalani’s friend and business partner that is at the center of the controversy surrounding the event, inventor Ano Lee.

Lee’s contribution to the memorial, the “Tube Master Tank” (TMT), was billed as “the most immersive surfing experience on land.” The machine was supposed to be one of the highlights of the exhibit, with several settings allowing fans to experience the joy of surfing, and reproductions of actual waves Kalani road during competition. However, numerous complaints, and several injuries have the Kiko’s second guessing their decision to include it.

“We really appreciate Ano’s passion, and quest to make the tank experience authentic, but I think he probably went a little too far. We wanted people to learn that surfing was more than beach blankets, energy drinks, and guitars playing with too much reverb, just as Layla was more than just a surfer. Instead of her life and legacy, the only thing people are talking about is bruises, broken bones, and the fact that he put a 112-year-old woman on a mobility scooter in the tank, and it almost killed her.” says Balen Kiko.

However, Mr. Lee says he has no regrets about the exhibit or his actions. He says that he was striving to make an experience that was as authentic, and extreme as his friend. He only wishes the public appreciated the level of realism offered by the TMT. “This isn’t just some dumb virtual reality experience in a room covered in screens, or with something stupid looking strapped to your face. This syncs with your ceremplant to offer a taste of what surfing can truly be like, and it isn’t always fun in the sun. The ocean does not come with a beginners setting, and neither does the Tube Master.”

Visitors who went in the tank were offered three settings: Expert, Wave Fighter, and Keep Kicking. Those who spent time inside had a wide range of complaints ranging from: sunburns, riptides, lengthy paddle times, long periods of calm, smelly suits, leash tangles, virtual surfers cutting in front of them during rides, and enormous waves made of Kalani’s favorite Manimal flavor, “Fightberry Punch,” which led to painful wipeouts, and injuries.

“Anyone who’s been surfing for more than a few days knows the joy of catching that perfect wave on a sunny afternoon, but they also know that surf reports can be wrong. They know that: bodyboarders snake waves, your leash is constantly getting tangled, a wetsuit left in a pile in your car gets really stinky, really fast, and sometimes you get pounded by a wave. These are all a part of what real surfing is like. Layla knew that, and I was just trying to offer people a chance to experience an important part of her life. I made sure that there was virtually no chance someone could have drowned, so I’m not sure why a fews bumps and bruises were such a big deal. I’m just glad I decided to take shark attacks out at the last minute. As far as Malie goes, it was her 112th birthday, and she really wanted to check it out. I felt bad that I hadn’t made the tank properly accessible, so I got a couple people to help me get her, and her scooter in there. I’ll admit it wasn’t my best idea, but I’ve seen this lady cliff dive, and drive out of a plane on her show. I figured she could handle anything the tank threw at her.”

For her part, Malie Kahiko, star of the hit show “Malie’s List” says that people are making too much out of the incident, and says her experience in the TMT was one of the best birthday gifts she’s had in years. “I probably should have started on “Expert”, but I wasn’t sure how long they’d let me stay in there, so I went for “Keep Kicking” right away. What a blast! I didn’t know Layla as well as I would have liked, but if this was how she lived every day, she experienced more in the short time she was here than most, maybe even me. What a wonderful tribute and ride. I give it: ‘five stars, would repeat!’”

STORYLINE

Kalani Beach renaming ceremony held as statue controversy continues to build

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A section of beach was renamed in honor of Layla Kalani this morning. Almost 2 months ago, a wide-ranging search was officially ended after a storm capsized a vessel that the surfing champion was aboard. In the subsequent hours after the accident, Kalani would make multiple trips back to the partially submerged vessel, ferrying survivors to safety on a damaged surfboard. The story has gripped the hearts of people around the world and inspired a number of tributes for the Manimal spokesperson. However, not all the tributes have been well received.

During the Maui leg of her farewell tour, Kalani returned to the Lahaina beach where she rose to fame in 2023. Mayor Albert Cravalho renamed it in her honor today in a small ceremony attended by family and friends. He told those assembled,

“I’ve known Layla for a long time. I had the pleasure of watching her grow from a delightful little girl into the amazing woman we all knew, loved, and respected. She was a true sistah of Lahaina. All week I’ve heard people say, “Kalani kept kicking” out of respect for her bravery and selflessness. Perhaps that is her most important legacy, an enduring example of not giving up, even in the face of a seemingly impossible task. I know that Layla would probably be embarrassed about this ceremony and the fact that she has a beach named after her in her home town. She’d say that she only did what anyone else would do in the same situation. As if saving the lives of eight people by swimming through a storm after your boat sinks is something that happens everyday. That’s just who she was, a brave and beautiful original who will be greatly missed. I hope that giving this beach her name helps future generations remember her sacrifice and reminds them how important it is to never give in to doubt or despair. When all hope was lost, Kalani kept kicking. She was an inspiration to us all.”

While many supported the renaming ceremony, not every tribute has garnered public support. In particular, a statue donated to the West Maui Children’s Hospital by the Manimal corporation has been called a “thirty-foot monument to tone-deafness” and has many residents asking, “What were they thinking?”

For years Kalani had donated most of her free time to working with children at the hospital. She made sure there was always enough Manimal to drink, taught the kids how to surf, and offered an open invitation to her movie premieres and special events for all the kids who were able to attend. Layla had become an important fixture at the hospital and her loss was especially hard for patients and employees alike. That’s why senior staff and the administration say they were thrilled when approached by Manimal about donating a statue in her honor. However, many say their exhilaration turned to disbelief when the tribute was unveiled.

Measuring slightly over 30 feet, the monument is topped by a statue depicting a kicking and grim-faced Layla gripping a damaged surfboard. The base has numerous Manimal drinking fountains and so many high-powered floodlights that it can be seen all the way from Front Street. Residents immediately complained about the statue saying, “She looks crazy up there. Like a giant angry streetlight!” The hospital has taken issue with the number of insects that the lights and free-flowing Manimal attract on a daily basis. But it is the inscription on the base that everyone seems to find the most egregious. A play on the “Kalani kept kicking” motto that has spread across the island, the inscription reads, “Keep Kicking Kids!”

“It’s tasteless obviously,” says Preservation Zone Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate, a vocal critic of the Kalani statue. Stonegate says that she doesn’t understand how the tribute got beyond the planning stage and has numerous issues with the monument.

“I’m going to carefully review the permit application submitted by Manimal. While the eyesore is not strictly within the preservation zone, it is attracting an inordinate number of insects and protected species that feed on them. But more importantly, I have to wonder about celebrating someone with such poor judgement in the first place. Ms. Kalani had no training in rescuing anyone from a pool let alone a stormy ocean at night. As far as any of us know, those people would have been just fine if they waited for a qualified rescue by people who get paid to pluck survivors from the water. The only thing we know for sure is: it cost her her life, and wasted hundreds of Coast Guard hours that could have been used for better things. I don’t think heading out for a 3 mile swim in rough seas, when you’re already tired, is the kind of decision making we should be holding up as an example for our children. I know we shouldn’t be erecting 30’ monuments to that kind of carelessness.”

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says he doesn’t know what all the anger is about.

“The backlash has hit us like a rogue wave. I think she looks fierce, like the warrior she was. I find it hard to believe that some of the kids are scared of the statue. Our love for Layla was larger than life and we wanted a monument that matched those feelings. That’s why we spent so much money on a lighting system that was second to none. Each of the main lights produce 6 million candle power, that’s as much as your standard WWII searchlight. We’ve offered to electrify them to help combat the insects, but nobody seems interested in working with us. Another point that I think has been missed in the media, is that we’re committed to keeping the Manimal fountains flowing for the life of the company. That could be millions in free Manimal eventually. If that doesn’t properly express how serious we are about this tribute, I don’t know what can. I’ve heard that some of the parents have complained about the inscription, that’s why we’ve offered to add a comma to make the message more clear. Honestly, I don’t know what else we can do.”

STORYLINE

Search for surfing champion Layla Kalani is officially called off

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All of Lahaina is in mourning today as the Coast Guard officially announced the end of its search for actress, surfing champion, and Womanimal spokesperson Layla Kalani. The surfing legend has been missing 6 days with no sign of her found yet. The announcement was expected, but has still sent shockwaves through the sporting world. Layla would have turned 50 last week.

It was supposed to be the final jewel in the crown of the surfing queen. Often athletes have a hard time with the idea of retirement, but Layla decided on going out big. Her plan was to spend the days leading up to her 50th birthday paddling her board to all the Hawaiian islands. Her production company and a small Manimal crew would film her surfing each island, and her journey, for a documentary about her life.

Starting in Kailua Kona on the big island, Kalani had made it past Molokai and was heading towards Kailua when the trouble began. According to investigators, unbeknownst to the crew of Layla’s support boat, a crack had formed in the freshwater tank, filling the spaces between the hull and making the vessel extremely unbalanced. Layla was onboard having a meal when a rogue storm hit. The boat capsized before anyone could call for help.

The survivors say Kalani took charge immediately and they credit her with their lives. According to a member of the film crew.

“Before we knew it we were in the water. The front of Layla’s board was cracked and the boat was almost upside down. I’m not the best swimmer and I thought I was done, but Layla helped me climb higher up the hull and told me to keep kicking if I slipped down. I told her I couldn’t swim, but she told me it would be alright, “just keep kicking”. She helped a couple of us on her board and said she’d be back. After a while she returned for another board full. She said the same thing each time, “keep kicking”. Eventually it was my turn. I’m not sure how long it took for her to get us all to the beach, it seemed like days. I thought that she’d gotten everyone, but a couple of PA’s went for help when they got to the beach so our final count was short. Layla said she was going back out to the boat to make sure nobody was left behind. By that time the sun was coming up. Kalani kept kicking all night for the crew. That was the last we saw of her, kicking the broken board that saved us all back out there, towards the rising sun. I’ll never forget that image.”

Officially declared lost at sea, Kalani’s life and heroic end was the topic of every discussion in the news this morning. Many of her competitors and celebrities have sent their condolences to her friends and family, as well as expressing shock and sadness over her loss. CEO of Manimal Spencer Kane seemed especially hard hit over the news. Unable to talk at a scheduled press conference this afternoon, a spokesperson read his statement which said in part, “When I met Layla she was just a teenager. We were just a small group of people who had a dream to make the best sports drink the world had ever seen. She was just a kid with a dream of being the world’s best surfer. We took a chance on her, and she took a chance on us. I thought she was special when we first met but when I watched her jump on that shark I knew I was right. That was when millions of others learned what I knew about Layla. She helped make Manimal what it is today. I’m so bummed that I cancelled our annual corporate wakeboarding event this afternoon. It’s going to be a while before I can handle gnarly waves again. Her actions after the accident don’t surprise me, Kalani kept kicking like a Womanimal until the end.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Advertiser Corrections & Clarifications

The Lahaina Advertiser is committed to bringing you news and content that informs, engages, and entertains. We pride ourselves with holding the highest editorial and journalistic standards, delivering to our readers accurate, impartial, and timely stories. However, mistakes are sometimes made. When errors are brought to our attention, we seek to publish corrections and clarifications promptly and transparently. This page brings together in one place all of the corrections and clarifications made to The Lahaina Advertiser across print and digital platforms, whether as a result of complaints or further developments in a story.

April 24, 2050

  • This Mutant Crayfish Clones Itself, and It’s Taking Over Maui


An earlier version of this story misspelled the scientific name for the Red Swamp Crayfish. It is Procambarus clarkii, not Procambarus clak. Also, we have been informed that the crayfish in question does not have the ability to clone itself, and was introduced in 1923, contrary to our assertion that its presence is a mystery. Hula Noodle owner Ralph Umeke did want us to stress that the clarkii are “nasty” and nearly inedible, even with copious handfuls of garlic.

  • Randy Wilcox, Trailblazing Reality TV and Streaming Star, Dies at 46


Although seriously injured, Randy Wilcox is very much alive and recovering in the Lahaina Medical Center. Some of our readers also took issue with calling Mr. Wilcox a “star” or even “Mr.”, the latter of which is a requirement of our manual on style.

April 25, 2050

  • Veilcorp Studies Security Policies and Sees “Little Risk” to Bottom Line


An earlier version of this story misstated the portion of Veilcorp’s business that the company estimates would be affected by stricter global security policies. A spokesperson for Veilcorp says the company’s internal security protocols already exceed the measures proposed, and would not affect operations at all.

April 26, 2050

  • Hailoha Defends New Sea Service


We had mistakenly reported that Mayor Albert Cravalho had no comment on the matter. However, he had actually called for a closer look into the business, and threatened to shut down the water-based ride share service.

  • Six Films to Stream if You Loved “Veil of Terror: A Bride’s Nightmare”


Many of you suggested that Veil of Terror stands alone as one of the worst movies ever made. Readers suggested that the jerky camera work, ham-handed storyline, and actors taking on more than one role, made the film unlike any other, and trying to attach some similarity to six other films was not fair. On further review, we agreed and removed the story altogether. One of the complaints was in Esperanto, and went unresponded to.

  • What Cameras On Monk Seals Show Us: It’s Tough Out There


An earlier version of this article misstated the amount of weight lost by some seals in the study. The seals that stay around Maui during the summer lost as much as 10 percent of their body mass, not 80 percent.

  • A reader tells us that after 31 years of entering the jumble rumble competition, she finally won, only for us to spell her name incorrectly. Congratulations go to Helen Kapua and not Harold Kaper. Apologies Helen.

April 28, 2050

  • PZ Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate Forced Into Apology For Maligning Civil Service


This article was amended after Mrs. Stonegate pointed out that she had in fact not apologized yet, and had no plan to. In addition, an earlier version misnamed the Center for Hawaiian Political Reform as the Center for Hawaiian Political Research.

  • What do Students Really Expect To Learn at the University of Maui Lahaina College?


This article was pulled after it was discovered that Kimberly Hekili, the only individual interviewed, was not a current student but rather had attended the unversity in 2046.

April 29, 2050

  • Hundreds of County Parks Ordered Closed Across Lahaina


We mistakenly said that more than 500 parks have closed in Lahaina since 2034 due to budget cuts. Greg Iona from the DLNR pointed out that there aren’t that many parks on the whole island, and that it was actually trails that were closed. In addition, the number of closed trails since 2034 was 5, not 500.

  • Over 1,100 years later, scientists discover what probably killed the Mayans


This article was amended to correct the spelling of Vindox Ashlidele’s name from Vindix Vagene. It was further amended for historical accuracy. While there is evidence that the Mayans had tobacco and probably smoked it, commercial cigarettes as we know them didn’t exist until the 1800’s. In addition, it is unlikely that there existed a Mesoamerican marketing campaign targeting young Mayans.

April 30, 2050

  • Unpaid internships in Lahaina now cost more than $3,500 a month


This article was amended to clarify that the cost of living in Lahaina was actually 3.5 times higher than the national average and not 2 times higher. In addition an estimated 1,000 graduates will have unpaid internships in a Lahaina business this year, not 10,000.

  • Dr. Adler Walters on the Cutting-Edge Technology of Trees


This article was removed after we were made aware that some of the information Dr. Adler provided is classified, and was supposed to be off the record. We apologize to the doctor, Vereserum, and the United States Government. We ask that readers who happened to see the article, immediately forget any and all details they might have remembered.

  • Abramo Chophouse Provides 20 tons of Burger To Expand “Meat and Greet” Program


We mistakenly identified the 20 tons of meat provided to the Meat and Greet program as “Burger”. Mr. Abramo points out that in fact, 20 tons of “Bob’s Perfect Burger Blend” was provided. He asserts that referring to the blend simply as burger is akin to calling a piece of wagyu beef, jerky. We have made the requested correction in the article.

We regret these and all future errors.

STORYLINE

Local residents turn unclaimed items into big business

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Forgetting your bags or misplacing a souvenir while on vacation is something that everyone can relate to, but two local men have figured out a way to turn other people’s carelessness into cash. Lahaina’s own John Driscol and Randy Wilcox have joined the growing ranks of people purchasing abandoned freight and forgotten luggage and turning it into a big business.

It has been estimated that every year nearly $600 million worth of unclaimed commercial freight clogs up Veilcorp warehouses and holding facilities. The reasons vary greatly. Sometimes the cargo was simply forgotten, or the paperwork was incorrect. Often downsizing or a changeover of staff handling the shipping department is to blame. Occasionally a business will close or a shipper/receiver will pass away without an heir. Whatever the reason, when added to another $50 million in personal items and luggage left behind at thousands of Veilcorp stations, the number becomes quite impressive.

While Veilcorp donates or destroys some of the abandoned freight and luggage, the vast majority of it is auctioned off at weekly events across the globe. These auctions have given birth to a small industry of colorful characters and hopeful entrepreneurs who are willing to bid, sometimes sight unseen, on unopened bags and boxes in the hopes of striking it rich. Driscol says that opening a bag for the first time “feels like opening a present on Christmas morning. You’re just hoping it’s not full of socks or underwear.” Wilcox says that working the abandoned freight circuit is not for the feint of heart, “You can go days with nothing to bid on but pallets of toothbrushes or barrels of floor wax. You never know what’s going to show up in the next crate. It takes a special kind of person to deal with the uncertainty of it all, especially if you’re trying to do it for a living.”

Richard Brace, Head of Safety and Facilities at the Veilstation in Lahaina, has seen the auctions boom and agrees that you never know what will get sent through the veil. When asked about the strangest bit of unclaimed cargo he answers quickly. “The strangest thing ever to go unclaimed? That’s easy, a huge container of pig milk” he says. “I had to look twice and not just because of the misspelled label. The bar code was messed up so our readers wouldn’t function and we couldn’t find any record of it in the system. On top of that, the RFID tags were working on the wrong frequency. Everything about it just seemed a little off. I couldn’t wait to get it out of the warehouse.” John says he remembers the pig milk auction. “We got it really cheap and resold it to a friend who works at SSHAM. I think they were working on a cheese flavor at the time.”

While it’s true that there is a number of oddities left behind, it’s not all bulk dental products, wax, and pig milk according to Driscol. He says that sometimes there’s gold in those bags, literally.

“I’ve known Randy for a while and he had been bugging me to go to an auction with him to check it out. To be honest, it sounded like a lot of work. I don’t like standing in one place for too long, I’m more of a sitter. Also, I was pretty sure that there wouldn’t be anyplace to get something to drink if I got thirsty or a decent bathroom. I told him that I didn’t like taking care of my own laundry, let alone digging through someone else’s out of a suitcase. But he kept pushing and pushing and finally I gave in. I bought the very first piece of luggage that was up for sale, just so that I could leave and find someplace comfortable to wait for the auction to end. When I opened it up I couldn’t believe my eyes. Right on top was a plastic case filled with gold coins. You have to understand something. I’ve wanted to be a pirate since I was a kid, not for the fighting, drinking, or sailing but for the treasure. Digging a hole and finding gold always seemed like the perfect job to me. Here I found gold and I didn’t even have to dig; it was awesome! I knew I was hooked.”

While John focuses on smaller items and collectibles, Wilcox usually sets his sights on bigger prizes, and is even trying to leverage the increased public interest into a reality show.

“I keep my eyes peeled for great deals and things I can flip quickly. I don’t like to gamble as much as John. I try to purchase anything that I think my fans would like to see me break, ride, or use on my YouTube channel, or that I can incorporate into my backyard wrestling operation. You have no idea how high your folding chair and fluorescent light bulb bill can get after just a couple tag-team matches. If it wasn’t for the live streaming with my X-eyez app and these auctions, I wouldn’t be able to afford our steel cage events.”

Unlike most of his followers, it wasn’t the stunts or drop-kicks that piqued the interest of Board Entertainment, Layla Kalani’s production company, but rather Randy’s broadcasting of the auctions. “They said John and I had something special and wanted to work with us to develop a show about our lives and the culture surrounding the auctions. It’s called “Veil Sale” and we’ve shot a couple episodes already. It’s been great so far. John loves the craft services and I can’t wait to see how many new fans will join my channel. I never dreamed that I’d be discovered thanks to forgotten stuff.”

STORYLINE

Kalani Custom Boards Push the Boundaries of Surfing Technology

As undisputed queen of the surf Layla Kalani reigns supreme in the sport of surfing. As the Womanimal spokesperson she has become one of the most recognized faces in the world. Now, despite initial concerns about price and design, she is poised to become the producer of the greatest surf boards ever created. Kalani Custom Boards push the boundaries of surf science, and according to experts, might just be worth the eye-opening price tag.

According to Kalani the idea of a state-of-the-art board company came to her while working on, Veil of Terror: A Bride’s Nightmare, her first movie. “I had no idea how much technology was involved in making a movie. The cameras and the mounts they used to stabilize them were incredible. What the video drones could do was amazing, I didn’t know just how far advanced movie making had become. We had almost as many technicians on set as sound and lighting people. That got me thinking about how little surf science has advanced over the years. Since we were filming in Lahaina, I knew just the person to talk to about pushing the boundaries of design: Ano Lee.”

“I didn’t know much about making surf boards when Layla talked to me about it, but I love a challenge, and knew someone who had been hand-shaping boards his whole life, my cousin Leelee,” Lee says. The culmination of that conversation made its debut last month to cheers and skepticism. Despite initial shock at a price tag that can reach over $20k, and some issues with its paddle assist system, sales have steadily increased, with owners hailing the pricey boards as the best ever made.

Kalani Customs are built on a parabolic carbon fiber frame with an expanded polystyrene (EPS) core, and covered in a proprietary epoxy resin. The result is a board that “stores and releases energy as you transition through turns and provides a highly responsive ride, perfect for ultra-performance surfing.” However, it is its other features, and the creation process itself, that sets the boards apart.

While the boards are built with the same basic components, each is personally shaped by Wiley Lee, (Leelee to everyone we interviewed), Ano’s cousin. Leelee requires a personal meeting with each client before completing a board. He says, “We’re making extensions of clients to meet the sea here. The better I can get to know a person, the better I can make their perfect board. I need to look into someone’s eyes to know what to put beneath their feet.” Along with Leelee’s personal touch, the boards include: a photo realistic covering preloaded with 3 unique designs (more can be purchased through the company), a built in shark mitigation system, and an amazing paddle assist feature.

“I’m most proud of the paddle assist,” says Lee. “I’ve integrated a magnetohydrodynamic drive (MHD) system into each board. Without getting into the specifics, it basically uses an electrical current in the surrounding water to help propel the board. The technology is quite old actually. They built a prototype system in 1965 and a ship called the Yamato-1 used a MHD drive to cruise through Kobe harbor in the 1990’s, but the technology has gotten a lot better in the last 50 years. With a person paddling and the assist working, one of our boards can hit 8 knots (9.2 mph), about 3 times faster than you can paddle or swim. We want our clients to get to the waves first and maybe get a little boost getting out the end of a grinder.”

While the company says they have worked out the initial complaints about the assist system, many clients say they are still waiting for Layla and crew to make good on refund or replacement promises. Local business owner Ronnie Kalipalani is one such disgruntled customer. “The crew thought I was crazy when I bought 4 of them when they first came out, but I’m a big believer in playing hard and teamwork. I’ve found that nothing brings a construction crew together after a morning of pouring concrete and pounding nails, like an afternoon of surfing. They worked great at first. Honestly, they’re super nice boards, but then I wiped out and the board kept going without me. Luckily, it shot itself straight into the beach. I swam in to warn everyone to be extra careful, but it was too late. I watched $40k worth of boards go out to sea after their riders fell off. One got stuck in a cove a few miles away and we got it back, but we figure the other is somewhere around Guam by the direction it was heading. They fixed the issue with the boards we saved, and Layla herself promised me a refund for the fourth, but I haven’t received anything yet.”

Kalani says that they have fixed the glitch, and the assist system will no longer operate without a person being on the board. She explains that the company is still reviewing claims, but is in the process of providing refunds, or replacement boards to everyone who had issues like Kalipalani. As far as other complaints are concerned, Kalani marks them up to traditional thinking and living in the past. “The problem is the purists,” she says. “Look, there’s still people who will tell you that flying, or going down the rail is the only way to travel, and that veiling takes all the adventure out of traveling. Obviously, being a purist doesn’t make you right. It makes you stuck in the past. I wanted to make a board that was as revolutionary as my surfing style, and that’s what we’re doing. Our boards are the future of surfing.”

STORYLINE

Countdown to Manimal’s 100 Billionth Can Has Lahaina Buzzing

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All of Lahaina is buzzing with anticipation this week, as the Manimal bottling facility is set to bottle the 100 billionth can of Manimal. 14 years ago the first can of Manimal was produced in a small West Maui plant, with the hopes and dreams of less than a dozen employees riding on the cans of liquid energy. “We tried using my friend Jeff’s garage for storing excess inventory at first, but it wasn’t long until there wasn’t room for his car anymore. It was a mess. The rest, as they say, is history. As long as nothing crazy happens, the 100 billionth can should roll down the line early Thursday,” says Manimal CEO Spencer Kane. Now one of the largest energy drink companies in the world, Manimal says they want to not only pay respect to where it all started, but also embark on what may be the largest, and most expensive marketing campaign ever conceived.

“We had a good idea, a little money, and this tiny bottling facility with an awesome half-pipe out back. We probably should have had a better business plan at first, but we figured that stuff would work itself out, as long as people loved what we were making. Luckily, we were right. Manimal’s extreme recipe was a perfect match for athletes who were sick of being only partially invigorated by their beverages. We shot for full power right away, and it showed. Honestly, one of our biggest breaks was a local up-and-coming surfer who really loved our product. One day we talked about a sponsorship deal while paddling out in the morning. We wrote something up on a napkin on the beach that afternoon. Layla Kalani turned into one of the greatest surfers to ever live, and a pretty good spokeswoman too. We owe her, and all of our customers a lot, that’s why we announced our “We Quenched the World” campaign to coincide with the celebration. We’re going to literally give a Manimal to everyone,”says Kane.

A multiple time world champion, Kalani says she’s proud at how far she and Manimal have come together, and like the rest of her friends, she can’t wait for the milestone can. “Whether I’m punching a nosy shark in the face, starring in the summer’s hottest movie, or just trying to get a little boost between waves, I always have a Manimal within reach.” Like many others, Kalani says she will attend the company’s sponsored party on Front Street Thursday, but also plans on a more intimate celebration with friends and family later in the day. “My family and I have a special connection with Manimal. I think of Spencer as a brother, and we’ve had quite a journey together. We’re going to wrap the day up with a little food, a climbing wall, and some midnight surfing.”

The upcoming celebration has not been without complications however. Since announcing their ostentatious goal of giving a Manimal to every person on the planet, the “We Quenched the World” preregistration lines have been fraught with outages, and in some cases day-long hold times. With questions about logistics and costs, many industry insiders say Kane’s campaign can’t possibly succeed. Brian Leets of Pacific Investment Advisers says he’s never seen anything so reckless in his time as an analyst. “It’s not just bad, it’s corporate suicide. If they somehow survive the initial costs, they’ll be trying to pay off the debt for decades. I’m changing my rating for Manimal from a ‘strong buy’ to ‘dump immediately and avoid at all costs.’”

Nonetheless, Kane says he’s not concerned, adding that Leets, “Has never been barrelled in his life, and wouldn’t know a Fakie 720 Quadruple Kickflip Sexchange, from a Double Pop-Shovit Late Kickflip, let alone an excellent idea when he heard it.” He says that a year is plenty of time to get a can in everyone’s hand, and he’s not worried about the costs.

“It all started when I was told that 100 billion cans was more than enough to give everyone on the planet multiple Manimals. That blew me away! I knew that many of those cans were made before we figured this whole giant company thing out, but we’ve been on point with everything for a few years now. There was no reason we couldn’t literally give everyone who exists a Manimal within a year. That’s the goal, and I’m confident we’ll do it. We hired a couple dozen extra temps to cover the phones, but it totally wasn’t enough as it turns out. I had no idea that people would be so eager to provide their info so early on. We’re making some changes to fix the registration process: automating some things, setting up phone banks, and trying to get some better hold music going on. I ask the public to bear with us while we work out the kinks.”

While it’s one thing to compile a list of addresses, and put a can in the mail, it’s quite another to make a delivery in the world’s more far-flung and remote destinations. However, Kane seems undaunted by the task, saying the company is working closely with many different governments and Veilcorp, and will employ a small army of distribution specialists.

“We’ve been in talks with virtually every government to get a list of all their citizens already, and with the help of Veilcorp’s travel associates, we’ve got 99% of the world covered. Veilcorp has been sending people and stuff all over the world for many years now. They have a killer transportation network, and partners who can get almost anything, anywhere. For the remaining 1% we’re calling in our own distribution specialists who know how to operate under extreme conditions. We have the world’s best deep sea divers to deliver to scientists working in aqualabs in every ocean. There are teams of the most talented free climbers around, with backpacks full of Manimal, climbing cliffs around remote monasteries, and others seeking solitude in the mountains. For everything in between, we have the best drone and helicopter pilots money can buy, scanning the deserts, plains, and forests of the world. We’re probably going to find people who’ve never even seen a surfboard or a proper running shoe, but when we’re done, they’ll know about liquid energy in a can. For 14 years Manimal has been slaying thirst and supercharging achievement. This is an awesome undertaking. Luckily, we know a little something about awesome. We’ve put it in a can about 100 billion times already.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Man Invents Printable Shark Mitigation System

The spring season is just around the corner and the island is about to see a big increase in surfers. With half of Maui situated within 5 miles of the coast, it is no wonder that so many seek out the waves. Whether it is the big consistent waves of the North shore or the gentle breakers offered by numerous other spots, the island is considered a jewel by longboarders of all skill levels. While a day on the waves can seem like a dream come true, it comes with one unlikely but still terrifying possibility, a shark attack. Local inventor Ano Lee says he’s come up with a solution to the problem and that his new printable Sharknet system will help surfers sleep a bit easier.

The history of shark deterrents is long and interesting. During the second world war, militaries poured money into research in order to develop a system to keep downed pilots and sailors safe. Early solutions were chemical: Repellants were made from naturally occurring irritants and a wide array of copper compounds. Some tried to harness the odor of dead sharks or use semiochemical solutions like strong pheromones, all with less than stellar results.

Magnetic and electrical mitigation systems were developed later with better results but they tended to be bulky or impractical. Smart buoy and sonar systems proved to be an effective warning system but not of much use once a shark decided to attack. Lee’s Sharknet device borrows a little from each of these previous attempts.

The Sharknet module sits on the bottom of a board and looks like a streamlined oversized hockey puck. The device uses sonar to scan the surrounding water for activity out to 100 yards. Data is analyzed for the distinct movements of sharks, and an alert message is sent via your Ceremplant if a shark is detected. This message is also sent to anyone else within a mile who is using the Sharknet system. In addition, the device creates an electromagnetic field that overloads the electroreceptive sensory organs unique to sharks called the ampullae of Lorenzini. This acts as a barrier to any interested sharks. But that’s just the beginning of what makes his invention extraordinary according to Lee.

“The latest model has all that shark stuff, but it is a huge improvement over the earlier version. I’ve managed to incorporate 4 multicolored 300mW lasers that look totally awesome in the water. I’ve heard some people worry that it might not be good for the coral, but that’s because they haven’t seen how cool it looks when you’re going up a wave, especially at night. I also had some trouble with the electromagnetic field interfering with the piezo plates and messing up the sound the boards could make but I figured out a solution. The new one lets you use your board as a speaker even when a shark is making a run at you,”

The fact that surfers account for around 50% of worldwide shark attacks makes the possibility a concern for everyone who enjoys riding the waves. Womanimal World Champion Layla Kalani famously had an encounter with an aggressive tiger shark during a competition back in 2023. Coming off her best season yet, the multiple time champion said, “Growing up in Lahaina, I know Ano well. He was always coming up with cool gadgets in school, but this thing is amazing! I’d definitely recommend putting one of these on your board if you are worried about sharks. I just wonder if Ano is making something to warn them about me. You have to remember that the last time I came face to face with a shark, I wasn’t the one who needed saving.”

It’s not just famous surfers who are interested in Sharknet. A number of companies and research organizations have expressed interest in the system. According to Lee the phone has been ringing off the hook and he gave up on answering his email. Even the Naval Research Laboratory (NRL) has reached out to talk about a development partnership.

“It’s crazy how many people want to talk about Sharknet with me. I was totally honored that the Navy seems interested. I have mad respect for the men and women in our military. That’s why I really pushed home the point that I’d love to work with them but they had to be really careful about not turning on the lasers unless the board was in the water. Blinding a sailor is the last thing I want to happen. I made sure to include some eye protection with the couple units I sent them just in case the sailor’s desire to shred overcomes good sense.”

STORYLINE

Manimal debuts X-eyez implant software

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Today’s the day Manimal fans around the world have waited for. This morning the sports drink company unveiled their much anticipated X-eyez extreme vision app. The company says the software, which works with your ceremplant, records and broadcasts everything that a user sees. Manimal says the app offers your friends and fans “a feast from your eyes.” The app has been in a trial phase for several months but was released to the general public today.

It seems that everyone is developing ceremplant software these days. There is certainly no shortage of branded implant apps on the market currently and most have been underwhelming to say the least. But the Manimal app is different. The company released the software to a select group of spokespeople and enthusiasts 2 months ago and the buzz has been building ever since. X-eyez allows users to record what they see and broadcast their vision in three different modes: private, friends, and public. The company says it’s like having an extreme personal videographer.

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane told a group of screaming fans this morning that the app lets you share your most intense moments and will change the way extreme sports are filmed.

“We’ve kept our eye on the prize and this morning we’ve given our fans the most high tech way of sharing their glory available. The difference between being a living legend and just another smack talker can be video evidence. They say that seeing is believing and that’s where our extreme vision app comes in. You can set it to private and relive days of past glory, share your feed with your friends to prove that you’ve raised the bar, or let everyone know how extreme you are by letting them look where you leap on the public setting. Our X-eyez software is going to be an eye opener for many.”

Womanimal spokeswoman Layla Kalani demoed the software by sharing her feed with everyone attending the event. After giving the fans a firsthand look at the skills that have made her a six-time world champion surfer, she addressed the crowd. “The extreme vision app is awesome! For the first time my fans can see exactly what it’s like to tackle a 30’ wave. I’ve been sharing the up close and personal footage on my page for a month now and the response has been wonderful. Finally my fans have a chance to live through my X-eyez. Best of all, the next time I punch a shark in the face, everyone will be able to see it from a good angle.”

Despite the fervor at the Manimal release party, many safety and privacy advocates aren’t excited about the app. Some say that the software encourages risky or dangerous behavior, especially among children and teenagers. Others have security concerns and worry that the app could be hacked and used by criminals to case houses, or by stalkers to keep track of victims. They say that having a constant feed of your vision is a recipe for disaster. Lawsuits are sure to be filed by individuals not wanting to be part of someone’s public Manimal feed.

One person who isn’t concerned about the public feed option is Lahaina resident and backyard wrestling enthusiast Randy Wilcox. In fact, he says it was the key to turning his hobby into a full-time job. One of the lucky few to be chosen for Manimal’s early access program, Wilcox has been using the app to promote his wrestling.

“I can’t tell you how much it’s helped our shows. The views on our YouTube channel have gone up over 300% since I started broadcasting my “Slam Cam”. Not only have I been able to pay my mortgage from ticket sales alone this month, but I’ve been able to buy almost a year’s supply of folding chairs, capes, and knee braces. Thanks to the X-eyez app I plan on quitting my job and dropping elbows from the roof onto my brother-in-law for the foreseeable future.”