STORYLINE

The Lahaina Merchants Association’s Roadmap for the future

For over almost 20 years I’ve proudly led this group. When I started, many of us were selling scrounged tools and cans of food in dark alleys. Under my leadership I’m proud to say that the consumers of Lahaina may now purchase a wide variety of newly smithed metal items, lifesaving medicines, and fresh foods. Your entrepreneurial spirit and hard work have been an inspiration to me and to our customers but times are changing. The markets are in fluctuation and we need to pivot or run the risk of losing the footholds we’ve fought so hard to carve out.

As many of you know, last month someone was able to restart the global backup connection, and people started pouring in. I understand why some of them have turned to hawking their items. They’re confused, scared, and in a world that is vastly different than the one they remember. I sympathize with them, but I do not condone their activity. We can’t afford to look weak.

If these new visitors are going to conduct business in our territory they should be informed of the rules. I can forgive one transgression especially if they haven’t been enlightened, that’s what penalty charges are for. However, if they continue to disregard the rules we must be ruthless. This only works if we all work together. They need to know how important it is to pay association fees in a timely manner, (a lesson some of you are still struggling to learn I might add).

This is a good start but let’s be honest, it won’t solve our problem. Too many of them are showing up to effectively monitor. The writing’s on the wall and we need to step up our game. We need to come together like never before and show the people of Lahaina that they can consistently get quality products at a reasonable price from any of our businesses. I have a plan in place, but again, it only works if if we all work together.

First and foremost we need to renew our focus on quality. In the past weeks, I’ve heard a number of complaints about the selling of tainted clams, especially along the beach. I’ve talked to a few of you individually about the issue but it has to stop. Worse yet, it’s come to my attention that a number of spears have made it out of shops without fire hardening. We need our customers to feel like they can count on a LMA spear in combat. Their trust in us breaks a little every time one of those spears does. We can’t afford to carry members who cut corners.

We also need to start specializing. With the increased flow of consumers coming from the station stores nearby are busier than ever, but they are also having trouble keeping inventory. I think becoming more specialized fixes both of those problems. If the vendors near the station specialize in food, they can send customers down the road for weapons. The weapons shop can send them to Front street for medicine…..on and on it goes. This will ensure that we all benefit from the new traffic and each business can maintain a proper inventory.

Before you start complaining, I’m not suggesting that you can’t sell ammunition or a dagger if you own a place near the station. I’m just saying it would be in your best interest to make a plan with the other merchants in your area to spread your resources. Let’s make sure everyone gets a piece of the action. As you know, I’ve been working very hard on getting the armory up and running and plan on using it as the go-to stop in Lahaina for all your combat and protection needs. If you haven’t contacted me personally yet about selling weapons in the armory, please do so soon, and I will pass on consignment agreements.

I know there has been a lot of concern about the loss of market share due to the increase of working Reality Machines around the island, but I don’t think we have anything to fear. First, there are only a couple up and running and it’s not like they’re making new parts anymore. Secondly, the products coming from these glorified vending machines lack the quality and character that our handmade items do. Quality will always be king as long as I’m in charge of the LMA. It would be foolish to completely brush-off the danger of these automated hucksters however, so any member caught providing plans to one will be treated as if they were caught stealing from the association. I don’t need to remind you of what the penalty for that offense is.

Finally, we need not only need to get the word out, but we need everyone from the Thrivers to the Kānaka to think of us as family. We need to become integral to the Lahaina way of life. I’ve heard suggestions ranging from a gun raffle, to complimentary canteen fill-ups on purchases over 100 rai, to a preferred customer program. All of these ideas are alright, but I think they miss the mark. We need to get back to what got us here, breadfruit and bodies. We never saw a year like we did when we swept the Menehune from around the train station back in 08. Our Breakfast-N-Bullets event was the largest single day promotion we ever pulled off.

Rounding up some bandits, or better yet a few Night Marchers, and stringing them up in front of some shops and high traffic areas will yield hug benefits to our bottom line. If we add a few strategic luau’s, I don’t see how we can lose. It’s time for us to focus on each other and what matters most, the rai.

STORYLINE

The History of the Regulators Part II

food2.jpg

There have been a number of groups and individuals who have impacted the day-to-day lives of survivors on the island. Few have had as big of an impact as the regulators, however. The collection of dedicated civil servants and like-minded individuals, strive to implement and enforce the rules and regulations that existed before the collapse of civilization. Many, including the Kānaka, see them as the last vestige of an old failed system. Still, others admire their perseverance.

Earlier this week we covered the group’s founder, Esther Hele, a former DMV worker striving to keep the roads safe and the drivers licensed. Today, we’ll cover the group’s most notorious member, Betsy Kaukau. The name alone is enough to make even the bravest Kānaka warrior nervous. Even amongst members of the Regulators, Betsy is considered misguided. Some say that her story is more fiction than fact and serves as a cautionary tale. Others disagree. Either way, her story is an important piece of island history.

Betsy was not born to love her job like many of the Regulators. She was led down the health inspector path through tragedy. Until her 12th year, the young lady was remarkable only in her unremarkability. She wasn’t interested in anything in particular, excelled in no sport or extracurricular activity. She wasn’t a gifted orator or artist and was an average student. Everything about Betsy was standard with no deviation, until that fateful day at her father’s company picnic.

The media at first didn’t fully appreciate how bad the tainted food was. By the end of the week, they would be calling it the worst case of food poisoning ever recorded. A CDC investigation found that a perfect storm of tainted lettuce, undercooked chicken, and spoiled cole slaw was responsible. There was a cobb salad that combined listeria, trichinosis, salmonella, and e-coli in one dish! There were a number of recalls and legal suits filed but it was too late for the 34 men, women, and children lost that day. It was too late for Betsy’s family.

The girl was sent to live with relatives in Lahaina where she began to finally show an interest in something, microbiology, and food safety. Betsy became obsessed with protecting others from the same fate as her family. As a teenager, she was banned from several local restaurants for barging into the kitchen and demanding to check food temperatures or test sanitizing solutions with her container of test strips. Nobody was surprised when she eventually became a health inspector.

She attacked unsafe food handling practices with a vengeance that unnerved her co-workers and led to a number of official complaints. Betsy was particularly hard on the businesses that had banned her as a teenager. She became convinced that they were lying about their food handling practices and hiding something. When she publicly accused the owner of a popular beach bar of serving poisonous pina coladas, it was the transgression that her superiors had been waiting for. A disciplinary hearing was scheduled for the following Tuesday, September 27th, the same day that the veils fractured. Nobody knows what happened at that hearing or how Betsy survived. What is clear, is that the catastrophe had a profound effect on the already obsessed woman.

For a while, the islanders embraced her, and she was helpful. She taught safe food preservation and canning procedures. She explained to all who would listen that public health was more important than ever, and was the first to discover that the island’s white rats carried prions and shouldn’t be eaten. There can be no argument that for a time Betsy saved many lives, but as the Regulators grew in power so did her instability.

She began to preach about the pureness of food. Claiming that all food was flawless until tainted by mishandling and lies about its preparation. She believed that lies could taint people and spill over into their meals just as easily as bacteria, and it was her job to protect the public from both.

This is where the stories began to conflict and get a bit murky. There are claims that she believed that the entire summer harvest in a Thriver village had been tainted and had every plant dug up and destroyed. Still, others say that she thought the people had been tainted so she poisoned their food to stop the spread of the infection. Either way, many lives were lost and it was just the beginning.

The stories of her exploits for the next year range greatly from the bizarre and misguided to the horrific. What is certain, is that Betsy took complete control of the food and its distribution in Lahaina for a long time. She began to target specific people she felt did not take safe food handling seriously. They found no mercy at the bottom of her sanitizer vats, and no pity from her long probe thermometers. Finally, though, they had enough.

With her compatriot Esther run-off after a disagreement with the Kānaka chief Ikaika, Betsy didn’t have the manpower to hold off those who wanted her gone. She supposedly escaped her attackers and fled East to join up with Esther, but accounts of the assault vary. Some say she made it and plans on coming back with a whole new arsenal of twisted kitchen equipment and shutdown notices. Some say she is finally at peace somewhere in the rubble of her old headquarters. Whatever the truth, everyone who has ever accidentally dropped food on the floor can breathe easier since she’s been gone.

STORYLINE

The History of the Regulators Part I

car.jpg

There have been a number of groups and individuals who have helped make the island livable since the fracture. From science fair kids joining forces with a dance troupe, to mysterious delivery men trying to keep Front street safe, many have dedicated their lives to making things better. Then there are those that are harder to quantify.

The Regulators are one such group. A collection of dedicated civil servants and like-minded individuals, the Regulators strive to implement and enforce the rules and regulations that existed before civilizations collapse. Most on the island views this as a preposterous endeavor at best. The Kānaka in particular, have a very dim view on rebuilding things in the image of what existed before. However, there are those that admire the tenacity of the Regulators and their resolve.
This is the first in a series explaining how the group got its start, and detailing their three most important members.

By all accounts Esther Hele was a miserable child. Born the daughter of a well-known Pali-ites instructor at the world famous Kokua Wellness Center and Spa here in Lahaina, Esther’s troubles began almost immediately. The carefree and self-regulated parenting style in her home did not fit Esther’s personality. Thriving on order and rules, she would routinely put her toys in long lines in order to listen to their concerns and give them daily direction.

This behavior spilled over into preschool, where young Esther took great delight in reporting any and all infractions, (especially line cutting), to the teachers. Elementary school was no better. She was picked last, if ever, for every game at recess. The other children made fun of her need for order and love of authority. Things finally came to a head when Esther presented a 10-page report on the short-counting issue running rampant during hide-N-seek to the Principal.

It troubled her greatly that others were routinely allowed to disregard the rules without consequence. It seemed unfair to her that many of the adults appeared not to care, or were unwilling to enforce mutually understood standards of conduct. The lunch line was haphazard and inefficient at best. Esther declared that she would be better equipped to run things than her classmates or teachers. It was her proposed punishments for them that drew the most concern. After some discussion with school officials, and a licensed counselor, it was agreed that Esther should attend a more structured private school on the mainland.

The new school was exactly what she needed. While she still had trouble relating to her peers, Esther thrived under the strict new rules. She soon became a favorite of the staff and was allowed many special privileges. She reorganized the stanchions in the library, reducing the average check-out time by almost a minute. She added 30 pages to the school’s code of conduct packet to remove any ambiguities. Instances of students sneaking off campus dropped by a third under Esther’s diligent night watches. Not only did Esther like the strict rules, but she began to love the power as well.

Eventually she graduated and needed to find work. College seemed too chaotic for Esther and her teachers suggested a summer job while she worked on her plans for the future. On paper the DMV seemed liked the perfect fit for her, and as Esther would tell you, paper never lies. She did well at private school, but she was born to work at the DMV.

The lines were magnificent. If someone gave you trouble you could put them in another line, and watch the hope drain out of their eyes, by closing it minutes later. While the rules and organization inside seemed capricious or punitive to some, they made perfect sense to Esther. Still, she missed her family and longed to mold her hometown into a more efficient place to live. She was eventually granted a transfer.

Esther had just began to settle in at her new office. She wasn’t even supposed to start for another week, but she wanted to time the lines and look for any possible rule breaking from her co-workers before she started her next report. When the island started shaking she quickly led them to the designated emergency shelter and had the forethought to bring the water tanks from the lobby. Say what you will about her personality, but all the survivors inside that DMV office that day owe her their lives.

They stayed in the shelter for what seemed like forever. Finally, the water situation started to become dire. Esther knew she had to get out and survey the area, but she was not quite ready for what she saw. Everything was in ruins. She assumed there must be other survivors somewhere but she didn’t see any. Though she didn’t know what the problem was exactly, it was a safe bet that nobody would be veiling in with help anytime soon. It was clear what she had to do.

With the veils broken, organized roads and safe drivers were more important than ever. She couldn’t clean water but she could make sure the equipment needed would be delivered by licensed drivers. She didn’t have any medical equipment but she could ensure that it was distributed promptly through an orderly transportation system. She had the knowledge and skills. She understood how important her cog was in the wheel of civilization. She would continue the DMV’s work.

The rest is history. For years Esther could be found patrolling the roads and conducting driving tests around Lahaina. Some of the questions changed over the years. “What should you do first if you find a Menehune has cut your brake lines?” and “If you are trying to escape a Night Marcher who wants your skull, but the light is red, are you allowed to continue without coming to a complete stop,” are two of the most recent additions. Esther tried to keep the rest as close to the original as possible. Her staff grew from the initial survivors to a group of over 100, all looking for any bit of the old world they could find. Islanders started to call them “The Regulators” within a year, and the group flourished.

Esther and the rest of the Regulators bit off more than they could chew however, when they presented the great Kānaka chief Ikaika with a letter demanding he register his war canoe. The bill, which included 35-years worth of penalties, was considered a provocation by the chief. When Esther told him that if he didn’t like it he could move to the back of the line a short battle began.

Lives were lost on both sides but the Regulators tenacity was no match for the Kānaka’s numbers. In her younger days Esther might have fought to the end, but with years came some wisdom, and she retreated to reorganize her paperwork. Lahaina hasn’t seen any Regulator activity in decades now, but it is rumored that the group has never been stronger. Some say that they are simply adding fees and penalties to the Kānaka’s bill while continuing to license those not strong enough to fight back elsewhere on the island.

Love them or hate them, there’s no doubt that the Regulators hold an important place in the history of post-fracture Lahaina. If you manage to get a vehicle going make sure you follow the rules of the road and your paperwork is in order. The last thing you want is to see Esther in your rearview mirror.

STORYLINE

The Lahaina Lava Sledding Championships

mountain.jpg

The Lahaina Merchants Association would like to invite you to the most exciting sporting event on the island, the 46th annual Lahaina Lava Sled Championships. Teams from all over the island compete each year to claim the Ikaika cup, but this year is special. Two local teams will be vying for glory and bragging rights. In two short weeks the Pu’u Blue Wolves will take on the Ka’anapali Screaming Nenes to see who is the fastest downhill.

As you all know lava sledding, or as the Kānaka say He’e hōlua, is an ancient sport well over 1,000 years old. The activity was seen as both a sport and a religious rite by early Hawaiians. With courses ranging greatly in size from a few hundred yards to miles, the practice was as popular as surfing when it was begun. Over the years it’s popularity grew and waned with cultural changes. A resurgence began in the early 2000’s and like most things, the activity was almost lost after the fracture.

Little has changed with the sport since its inception. Participants build a sled, or papa hōlua, and ride it down a prepared track. Traditionally, these sleds were 12’ long, 6 inches wide and made of wood. Riders would hold the sleds in front of them and run towards a specially prepared racing path. The tracks were composed of a foundation of gravel covered in sand or dirt with a top layer of grass or flowers. Racers would throw down the sleds at the beginning of the course, and ride them standing, crouching, or more commonly laying down, all the way to the bottom.

The modern unified rules allow sleds to be made of any material, although wood remains a popular choice. Sleds can be a bit longer as well, 14’ is now the maximum length, although a 6 inch width is still mandatory. The tracks and riding styles have remained the same through the years. Traditionally the length of a sledder’s run was measured to determine a winner, but since it’s been converted to a team sport, runs are timed. The team with the cumulative fastest 10 runs wins the day.

Like many things, we have Chief Ikaika to thank for the resurgence in popularity of the sport. After his successful campaign at Black Rock Beach, Ikaika used the traditional sport to keep ties strong between factions on the island. We think he’d be especially proud this year, as a classic match-up between power and finesse is sure to make for a memorable day.

The Pu’u Blue Wolves are back with a vengeance this year, hungry to once again display the Ikaika cup. Like their four-legged namesakes, the Blue Wolves rely on consistent speed and maneuverability to take out their opponents. Their fiberglass sled, and crouching riding style let them take curves at top speed and glide over any dips or irregularities in the course. The Blue Wolves are hungry, but the Nenes from Ka’anapali say their bark is worse than their bite.

The Screaming Nenes came out of nowhere this year to crush the competition. Highlighted by their thrashing of perennial favorites, the Luakoi Ridge Riders, the Nene’s have changed many minds about about what it takes to be a successful lava sled team. Focusing on traditional methods and materials, Ka’anapali has claimed many records and titles with their amazing run this season. They’ve managed to break the 100 km/h barrier a handful of times on their wooden sled this year. Retired sledding legend Rocky “Downhill” Hookeai says that the Nene riders are the quickest he’s ever seen adding, “They’re faster than a night marcher who stumbled into a Tapper camp.”

The Lahaina Championships are always an incredible event, but it is undeniable that this year may be one of the most exciting ever! Will raw power and speed beat finesse and skillful riding? Find out for yourself by being part of the story instead of just hearing about it the next day. A limited number of track-side seats are still available for 50 rai a piece, general admission tickets are 20. When your friends ask where you were on the day the greatest sporting event in history was held, tell them “I was 20’ away!”

STORYLINE

Sergeant Kaua’s War Academy Announces Youth Program

For years you’ve known Sgt. Kaua’s War Academy as the premier hand-to-hand combat academy and school of battle on the island. The academy has deep roots and a long history. Colonel Kaua fought alongside the legendary Kānaka chief Ikaika at the battle of Black Reach Beach, helping to make the island safer. Sergeant Kaua took a lifetime of his father’s battle philosophy and training to develop a system of combat that is unparalleled in its effectiveness. Now, he’s ready to pass on that knowledge to the next generation. For the first time ever, the War Academy will be accepting a limited number of child students.

Most combat and self-defense programs concentrate on the rigorous drilling of moves to perfect technique and complete focus, but not the total battle system. Without the unnecessary shackles of discipline holding your young one down, he or she will be able to grow into the perfect instrument of slaughter that you always knew they could be. Your child will not only be able to protect themselves and those around them, they will gain the confidence and know-how to charge heedlessly into their enemies and send them running.

“My father knew that the problem with plans is that they could always go wrong. Battle is a messy game and the rules are always changing. Without relying on tactics, I’ll teach your child the power of mindless battle. The shark isn’t the king of the reef because of its carefully thought-out stratagems and complex contingency plans. It bites and it bites in a frenzy. I’ll help your child roll back their eyes and channel their inner shark.”

The Sgt. will help your child unleash their personal volcano, and allow their vengeance to erupt on the battlefield. Our system will pinpoint the fury hiding deep within their psyche and teach them to harness it. Do you make them go to bed earlier than they like? Do they have a sibling that is constantly teasing them, or breaking their things? Maybe they have an unusual physical trait that other children make fun of. All of these can be harvested and transformed into a dish best served cold. The Sgt. has a way of helping you recognize things that you didn’t even know made you angry and amplifying them into a blackout rage. It’s hard for your enemies to foil your plan if you don’t have one. When obliterating the enemy is your only job you can get a lot of work done.

While we believe the cornerstone of any good instrument of war is the correct attitude, we also recognize that it is important to learn a few more practical skills as well. We will train them in the ancient Hawaiian art of Lua. Your offspring will learn to stop opponents by breaking bones, using pressure points, and more. We teach our students to be proficient in all three major weapons: pololu, newa, and koa axe. Guns jam and rust. Ammunition is expensive and untrustworthy. At the War Academy, we believe in getting our hands dirty. Your youngster will learn all three standard pololu thrusts deemed most effective in real-life combat situations. Their enemies won’t be able to do much when they’re spiked to the ground. If they can break a coconut they’ve got all the strength they need to harness the lessons learned in our advanced newa techniques. You’ll have a hard time telling if all that blood is theirs, or their partner’s when they begin the Sergeant’s patented koa axe dance. They’ll be chopping their way to victory in no time thanks to the Academy.

We strive to keep things simple, effective, and realistic to best simulate real-life situations. As such, there will be times that your child won’t have a standard weapon within hands reach so we believe in a rich improvised weapons curriculum. “Most people don’t realize that the average child’s bedroom contains at least 11 ways to die. Whether it be a pillowcase full of batteries, a well-placed spray of Manimal to the eyes, or the corner of a block to the temple, I’ll teach your kid how to shut down a threat in seconds and get back to their coloring.”

Iron sharpens iron and there’s no bigger piece of iron on the island than Sgt. Kaua. His father was a hero, and his campaigns have made him a modern-day legend. With years of warfare under his bloody belt, who better to teach your children the skills necessary to turn them into tiny terrors. Help us help them learn the lessons they need to survive. The world is a dangerous place. Let’s make your kids dangerous too. You owe it to them!

A limited number of slots are available, so hurry! Tryouts begin at midday tomorrow at the Duracave bunker outside of Pu`u village. Please have them bring a short essay (~500 words) describing why they would make a good herald of carnage and what battle means to them. We’ll assess your children’s physical skills, potential, and temperament. We’ll post our acceptance list, and contact you with scholarship options by the end of the week.

STORYLINE

How the Veilstorm changed Lahaina

storm.jpg

The topic of my report for Lahaina history week is the Veilstorm. Lots of people say that the Veilstorm was worse than the big accident, but I’m not sure. It made the island the place it is today and made it so that I got to meet Nana. She has protected us for a long time and always smiles and says “Be mindful little Akamai and stay on the trail.” whenever I leave Pu`u.

Nobody knows what made the big accident happen. Some people say it was a bomb. Some say it was because everyone there was lazy and didn’t fix things when they broke. My cousin says it was because we had gone against the laws of nature, but he’s weird and thinks lots of crazy things. What everyone seems to agree on is what made some of the animals mean and what turned some people into monsters, it was the Veilstorm.

The accident damaged lots of buildings and pushed some houses right over. The people who survived had to find places to go. Lots of people went to emergency shelters but many weren’t close enough and had to find someplace else to go. For many that meant going inside the lava tubes that Veilcorp was using to store the 127 they used to power the station. That was a big mistake.

What they didn’t know was that a really big storm was coming. It was the worst storm that anyone could remember. For 5 days the wind ripped through the trees and knocked down more buildings. It rained so much that parts of the island flooded and brought up some of the 127 from the tunnels. The wind spread it across the island and the rain turned orange. There wasn’t anyplace to go for lots of people. Some got sick and some didn’t make it. But some of the people who got sick started to change.

Nana and her brother Kino were teachers before the accident and they were the first to go out and look for people. They checked lots of different places like Front street, the radio tower, and Hahai Ranch. They were so busy trying to help people that they got caught in the orange rain for a long time and both got really sick. Because they helped so many people, everyone was really sad when they got sick. Kino got a bunch of weird bumps on his skin. Nana was lucky and only had a fever for a few days.

Some of the people in town were worried that Kino would make other people sick so Nana took him to their house to take care of him. She worked and worked to clean up the mess in town and take care of Kino. It wasn’t long before some people noticed that Nana never slept and she could work for hours and never get tired. A few other people began to say or do weird things too. Some of them said they could have conversations without talking or make things move by wishing they would. They were the lucky ones.

For every person who could do special things on the inside there were a bunch that just changed on the outside. Lots of them lost their hair or teeth some had even worse things happen. Nobody was sure what to do. Then people began to talk about how animals had started to change to. The really big boars began to show up and people had to be careful in the jungle. Everywhere on the island the animals and people who were outside during the Veilstorm started to change.

One day a bunch of the village went out to the lava tubes to look for food and they were attacked. All the people who had been staying there had changed. Their arms got longer and stronger. They got sharp teeth and they forgot who they were. They became the monsters that we now call the night marchers. Lots of villagers didn’t make it out of the tunnels, but some managed to. They ran as fast as they could back with the night marchers right behind. Nana was the first to spot them.

She sounded the alarm and everyone got weapons or went inside the old school. There wasn’t a gate back then so Nana knew she needed to slow them down somehow so people could get to safety. She ran to her house yelling Kino’s name. Nobody had seen her brother in weeks and when he came out they didn’t know what to think. The bumps on his skin were all over and he was so big he almost didn’t fit out the door. Nana pointed towards the people running up the hill and the monsters chasing them. That’s all Kino needed to see.

He charged down the hill screaming and waving a big pole over his head. It was so scary that some of the villagers stopped and ran back the other way towards the night marchers. Kino’s pole slammed into the first night marcher and sent it flying. The rest ignored the villagers and jumped on Kino. It was a long fight, but eventually all the night marchers gave up and ran away. Kino and Nana saved the village but Kino was hurt bad.

People couldn’t stop talking about the monsters and how Kino used one as a club after he lost his pole in the fight. They were scared about the monsters and that Kino might hurt someone in the village one day, so they decided he had to go. They gathered up everyone who looked sick and made them live someplace else. Lots of the people who had to leave got together for safety. Eventually they met other people who were sick and made their own villages. Some started to call themselves the Kānaka.

Nana stayed and still watches the trail from the front gate even though she’s old now. People say she still doesn’t sleep, but she never seems grumpy like my mom does when she’s tired. I guess that’s what makes her such a good gate guard. I’m sorry that her brother had to go live someplace else and that so many people got sick or died. Even though the Veilstorm turned some people into monsters it turned some people into heroes too.

Akamai Mahelona
4th Grade
Pu`u School Lahaina

STORYLINE

Keeping Tanager Lane a Spectacular Place

lane.jpg

Hello fellow homeowners. The past 6 months have been a trying time for all of us. With all of my daily duties as president of the HOA you can imagine how hard it’s been for me in particular. I think we can all agree that my leadership has been one of the few bright spots in these dark days. Most of you have done an adequate job of keeping up your standards, and celebrating the Tanager Lane way of life. Unfortunately, there are a few items that need some improvement, and a couple of individuals that need to start doing a better job at modeling acceptable behavior to their children. Remember, they’re like little sponges. If they get exposed to the mess created by people not fulfilling their obligations, they’ll just soak it all up. Nobody should want that.

Let’s start out by addressing a few issues that everyone can work on. I instituted the mandatory hibiscus program for a reason, not because I just felt like it one day, and not on a whim. The hibiscus flower is one of the most recognized blossoms and a symbol of the island to many. We want visitors to the neighborhood to see the flowers, and imagine peace and a carefree way of life. That’s why I made it mandatory! You’ve entrusted me, and my vision to lead this association so I’m having a hard time figuring out why some of you have not properly pruned your plants.

I’m not unreasonable. I understand that the world has become a drastically different place. I think that’s all the more reason to hold onto our high standards and strive to live up to them. Without standards and specifications, we are no better than the creatures running around out there. That brings me to the next item on my list, cleaning up after combat.

Evidently, the world is full of horrors now. I looked into it as best as I could, but nobody seems to have any kind of answer that makes sense to me. What I do understand, is that from time to time some of us will have to defend our lives until this whole mess gets sorted out. I understand that defense will sometimes involve weapons and the mess associated with shooting a creature who is trying to eat your children in the driveway. What I don’t understand, Shelby, is why there would still be blood marks on your patio days after saving your kid’s lives. You did it. The hard part is over. Is it really too much to ask to take a few minutes and scrub away the stains?

I’m sorry to be so blunt but I’m beginning to feel like I’m the only one who is serious about living up to the criteria clearly laid out in the agreements we all signed. Unless I’m mistaken, you elected me as president, many times I might add, because you knew I wouldn’t take a day off or let expectations slip. Just because the world has descended into chaos doesn’t mean we have to as well.

I’m told that family can be very helpful in dealing with stress, and many of us consider our pets to be part of the family. I personally love to watch my cats chase little things through the shrubs, and toy with them. It makes me feel so happy to see them embrace their nature. Like many of you, one of my cats has begun to glow quite brightly at night. Because I’m responsible and believe strongly in respecting the association’s lighting rules, I now keep Elvira inside. Imagine my surprise when many of you did not follow my example. I assumed you would get the hint when I began to pin blankets around your unattended glowing pets, but I was wrong. Consider this a written warning about keeping your bright and bushy-tailed loved ones inside at night. Some of you should also watch what you say in front of them.

Lastly, we have had quite a lot of trouble with unruly kids. They’re running across lawns, making noise during quiet hours, and attracting quite a bit of attention from the things lurking in the woods. I’m sympathetic that school has been canceled for quite some time now, but I encourage you to keep better track of them and ensure that they start to follow the rules. I know a number of you have lost a spouse and find it difficult to manage your day-to-day lives, let alone a rowdy child. If that is the case may I suggest that you consider letting someone else take your children until you’re able to be a responsible parent again? It’s not fair to your children and our home values to allow gangs of them to run amok. Please don’t take this as some sort of invitation from me to take on your obligations. Believe me, I have enough on my plate making sure everyone lives up to Tanager Lane expectations.

We’ve made it a long time now thanks to my focus and the rules we’ve all agreed on. If we want to keep Tanager Lane beautiful we need to do better. I’m doing my part and trying really hard to help you do yours.

STORYLINE

Tourists Claim They Were “Held Hostage” by Geese

nene.jpg

A vacationing couple is claiming that their dream vacation turned into a nightmare Monday evening after witnessing a vicious attack and being held hostage in a public restroom. This type of story has become all-too-common on the island lately, but this one comes with a twist. According to the tourists, the perpetrator wasn’t a masked man, or drug-crazed lunatic looking for their next fix, it was a goose. To be precise, a flock of geese.

28-year-old Bret Casey and his 27-year-old wife Spring claim that they were heading back to their hotel after a long walk down the beach when the incident occurred. The couple says they had spent the day exploring the beach and enjoying Lahaina’s nightlife before the evening took a bizarre and terrifying turn.

According to their report, the Casey’s were on the way home in the dark and become lost. Seeing a light in the distance, they walked up to get their bearings and came upon a chaotic scene. The couple claims that they witnessed a group of fellow tourists around a beach fire being attacked by a flock of geese.

Bret’s statement reads in part:

“They were all running around and screaming but I didn’t think it was that serious until the birds knocked a guy down and I saw blood. I tried to help him up but they had hold of him and were dragging him towards the water. Then they started attacking me. I couldn’t believe how strong they were. They almost knocked me down a couple of times and I got really scared for Spring. I grabbed her arm and we ran for the public restrooms we had passed just a few minutes before. We kept hearing the shouts and screams inside so I decided to go back and see if I could help.”

While the couple’s story seems hard to believe, their official statements are as consistent as they are extraordinary. The narrative continues with Mrs. Casey reporting.

“They were all over one of them when Bret went back outside. He tried to help but there was too many of them and he ran back into the building….You could hear the geese walking on the roof and fighting…I’m not sure how long we waited but we didn’t see any of them after a while so Bret went to check to see if it was clear, but they had just been waiting for us. They were biting and hitting him with their wings so he ran back before they knocked him down too…This went on all night. We tried escaping a couple times but they wouldn’t leave. Then, a few hours after the sun came up we saw someone parasailing and they took off…There must have been 20-30 of them that flew after the boat. We ran back down the beach until we found help and called the police.”

The couple was taken to a local hospital where Bret was treated for multiple cuts and contusions. Officials say they found no evidence of the kind of attack reported, and point out that a group of missing tourists would have surely been reported by now. However, they do confirm that the area did contain numerous feathers and nene tracks. The police say they can’t comment on specific open cases, but are investigating the claims and waiting for the results of a drug screen. No charges have been filed at this point. An anonymous source familiar with the case says, “The story is obviously hard to believe. Something might have attacked the guy, but at this point, we’re confident that something is going to turn out to be gravity and overindulgence. We’ve had a big increase in aggressive animal complaints since Veilcorp expanded their 127 production, but I haven’t heard anything about killer geese before. We’ll know more once the Department of Land and Natural Resources completes their report and the spot of blood we found at the scene is processed.”

While reports of animal attacks, in general, have gone up in the past year, there have only been a handful of reports involving the nene. Greg Iona, Senior Investigator for the Department of Land and Natural Resources, says that a flock of homicidal geese is absurd. Iona points out that the native nene is too small and lacks the physical characteristics to be a serious danger. Instead, he agrees with the police and suggests that the couple most likely had a few too many drinks and wandered into a nesting area. “I’m sure once the reports are all in we’ll find that what we have here is a drunk couple who stumbled into an area with some protective mother birds. Geese have long been known to have one of nature’s worst tempers. They’re one of the few animals that I’ve studied that I believe can feel and express hate. The world would be a much different place if geese were just a bit bigger, or had claws or teeth. Luckily for us, and the 4 million people who visit Maui each year, they don’t.”

STORYLINE

Veilcorp activity may be producing changes in native flora and fauna

tanager.jpg

Since its inception there have been numerous accusations about the effects of the veil station in Lahaina on the surrounding plants and animals .Numerous internal investigations as well as EPA studies over the last 18 years have failed to offer any definitive proof that the company, or its veiling technology have had any impact on the region’s wildlife. However, with the success of the Icarus mission, 127 (Unbiseptium) has now been found in alarming levels virtually everywhere as the company stockpiles the power source. This has led to a marked increase in complaints and calls for investigation. As the Senior Investigator for the Department of Land and Natural Resources it is my job to collect all available data, conduct a preliminary investigation, and make a recommendation to the governor’s office. The following is that report.

First, I’d like to emphasise that my team and I did not investigate every claim that has been submitted to The Division of Forestry and Wildlife. The time required to do so with my limited staff would have been prohibitive. Instead, we focused on the most common complaints and the specific concerns of the governor.

We could find no specific evidence that the marked increase in a number of invasive plant species, (woodrose, smokebush, pampas grass, among others), was due to Veilcorp activity, or increased exposure to 127. There is no doubt that these species are pushing out native plants, but the increase in visitors to the island who might accidentally carry seed on their clothing, coupled with these plants popularity as landscaping cover, can account for the increase. We did however find a considerable drop in nitrogen levels in the soil around the island. If that is part of a larger natural process or the result of 127 killing off nitrogen-fixing bacteria needs to be studied further as it may be impacting plant life. More on this later in the report.

In addition, human interactions and normal sylvatic cycles can not be ruled out in regards to the higher than normal rates of disease reported in plants and animals. Again, I suggest that officials begin a more thorough investigation. I will also point out at this time that Veilcorp has been less than forthcoming with their own impact studies to my investigators. We have also ran into a number of roadblocks at the local level with officials expressing concern about the investigation’s effect on tourism. Let me assure you that any temporary economic impact that might result from this investigation would pale in comparison to that which would occur should the next Ebola have its origin in Lahaina, and we try to hide it.

We were also unable to verify that a variety of stinkhorn mushroom has become parasitic and has been infecting the deer and boar populations. The sample mushrooms provided by the hunters from Hahai ranch have proved unremarkable. Even though we weren’t able to find an infected animal in our survey, we should remain vigilant and continue to work to find an infected specimen. The hunters know these animals better than most. We should take their reports seriously.

There were a couple of claims that we were able to verify nonetheless, including the alarming reports from the biologists studying the nene. The Hawaiian goose population on the island has become hyper-aggressive and has started to show signs of physical transformations since the Icarus project. The average nene is now 20% larger and carries more robust tomia (the teeth-like structures that line the bill). We have been able to verify a number of attack reports, including an incident where a group tried to separate a child from his family at a park, and the hunting and consumption of small mammals, especially mongooses. Our team experienced attacks themselves while working in a cliff area. A flock tried to drive team members off a high path in a manner reminiscent of large birds of prey pushing food animals to their death.

In addition, a species of native hibiscus, hibiscus waimeae, has become so toxic that it is killing off many of its usual pollinators, including hummingbirds. Some team members theorize that this might be a response to the soil becoming so nitrogen poor. They think the hibiscus is trying to supplement this deficiency with birds in a manner similar to carnivorous flora such as the pitcher plant and venus flytrap. It’s a reasonable hypothesis but to see such a transformation in such a short period of time is unprecedented. Additionally, the new toxin seems to have an intoxicating effect on larger animals. The mongoose population often eats the poisoned birds which makes them slow to react to danger, leaving them particularly vulnerable to nene predation. The word has spread quickly among the local people and incidents of hibiscus intoxication are now common. While we were conducting our investigation there was a bust at the local maker commune after it was discovered that some individuals were selling dried flowers, and had brewed a large quantity of “Tree Tea” to sell to tourists.

While we simply didn’t have the time required to do a proper scientific investigation of many of the environmental claims made since the increase in 127 exposure, there is no doubt something is happening. The physical and behavioral changes in the hibiscus and our state bird are unparalleled, and defy everything we think we know about natural processes. The fact that Veilcorp scientists don’t seem concerned, and have been slow to cooperate is all the more troubling. In my opinion, there can be no doubt that the increase in Unbiseptium has had major impact on all living things. Who knows what it is doing to people? We should act immediately while our ducks still look, swim, and quack like ducks.

STORYLINE

Glimpsea Expands “Lahaina View” Project

maui1.jpg

The Hawaiian Department of Land and Natural Resources announced today that they would be joining the County of Maui and Glimpsea in their Lahaina View Project. Started last year, the program’s goal is to provide a live view of all of Lahaina through a network of cameras 24/7.

For the past year, Glimpsea has deployed its Comprehensive Aloha Security Helper Camera System (CASH) across large portions of Lahaina under the supervision of Mayor Cravalho’s office. Using a number of security cameras, the project currently covers most of Front Street and portions of the beach. The inclusion of the DLNR and their preservation zone drones will expand the program to a much larger area, but Vice President Simon Ike says that’s just the beginning.

“We’re really excited about the DLNR’s decision. Including their drones is a win-win situation for everyone. In addition to expanding our coverage in Lahaina, the drones can zero in on specific areas or tourists. It’s like having a professional camera crew following you around while you’re on vacation. As part of the agreement, we’ve provided the DLNR with a number of our mite-cams to be used in their tagging programs. We are hopeful that the shots provided by these banded birds will help conservation efforts and allow those interested an intimate view of the day to day affairs of Lahaina’s wildlife.”

While the new agreement will offer some exciting new areas of coverage, Lahaina is large. A handful of drones and birds won’t cover a significant range of the island. Ike says he is hopeful that the public can help the project reach its goal by downloading Glimpsea’s new app.

“The reality is that this new partnership will offer some interesting shots but we’re going to need the public’s help if we’re going to get a complete view of Lahaina. We encourage everyone who is interested to get our app and join the program. If you own any of our products currently: security cams, drones, 360 cams, or mite-cams, the app will be included in your next update. For those not using our products, our app is compatible with most drones, phones, and dash cams. If it has a lens and you bought it in the last 10 years, you can be part of the team. All you have to do is provide the make and model number and hit “Accept”. I’m confident that we will reach our goal of total Lahaina coverage by the end of the year. Soon, people from all over the world will be able to see, and in many cases hear, just how beautiful this place is in real time.”

The Lahaina View project is not without its detractors of course. Many worry about privacy issues and the network being hacked. Some feel that the program goes against the sense of freedom and peace that many visit the island to experience. “How are you supposed to relax on the beach if you know some creep could be sitting in his basement somewhere in the world staring at you?” asks Lauryn Krie, a tourist visiting from Detroit. Local activist Kevin Morrow has different concerns.

“I cautioned everyone about the radio tower but nobody would listen. Now we have ziplines attached all over the place and you can’t walk near one without hearing someone drop an F-bomb. I’ve been trying to track the increase in profanity since the swear tower went up, but it’s been hard because there wasn’t a lot of airborne obscenity before the ziplines. I think it’s safe to say you are 100% more likely to hear cursing from above since my warnings went unheeded. I hope it’s not too late for this video thing. Tourists routinely swear on the beach and Front Street. I don’t think it’s a stretch to imagine children who are now hooked on profanity flipping through the audio enabled views looking for a fix. Words aren’t just noises that we make with air through the holes in our faces, they are ideas and some ideas are bad. The Lahaina View project is a very bad idea.”