STORYLINE

Museum’s Kalani Tribute Marred By Injuries and Controversial Exhibit

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The surf was up and the spirits were low at the Lahaina Museum this weekend as the much anticipated Layla Kalani memorial opened to the public. Curators Balen and Maci Kiko say that thousands viewed dozens of exhibits related to Layla, and the sport she loved so much. Ranging from: surfing art and music, to a photographic history of the multi-time world champion’s life, and a look at how her board company was pushing the boundaries of surfing technology, visitors had a chance to learn more about one of Lahaina’s heros, and say goodbye one last time. At least that was what was supposed to happen. Instead, a controversial exhibit overshadowed the solemn event, sending dozens to the hospital.

Maci Kiko says she was hoping to avoid the controversy surrounding other recent high-profile Kalani memorials. “It was our intention to have something more dignified than a 30 foot tall Manimal dispensing statue with too many lights, and a horribly worded slogan. I’m sorry we couldn’t give that to the public,” she says. Ironically, it is Kalani’s friend and business partner that is at the center of the controversy surrounding the event, inventor Ano Lee.

Lee’s contribution to the memorial, the “Tube Master Tank” (TMT), was billed as “the most immersive surfing experience on land.” The machine was supposed to be one of the highlights of the exhibit, with several settings allowing fans to experience the joy of surfing, and reproductions of actual waves Kalani road during competition. However, numerous complaints, and several injuries have the Kiko’s second guessing their decision to include it.

“We really appreciate Ano’s passion, and quest to make the tank experience authentic, but I think he probably went a little too far. We wanted people to learn that surfing was more than beach blankets, energy drinks, and guitars playing with too much reverb, just as Layla was more than just a surfer. Instead of her life and legacy, the only thing people are talking about is bruises, broken bones, and the fact that he put a 112-year-old woman on a mobility scooter in the tank, and it almost killed her.” says Balen Kiko.

However, Mr. Lee says he has no regrets about the exhibit or his actions. He says that he was striving to make an experience that was as authentic, and extreme as his friend. He only wishes the public appreciated the level of realism offered by the TMT. “This isn’t just some dumb virtual reality experience in a room covered in screens, or with something stupid looking strapped to your face. This syncs with your ceremplant to offer a taste of what surfing can truly be like, and it isn’t always fun in the sun. The ocean does not come with a beginners setting, and neither does the Tube Master.”

Visitors who went in the tank were offered three settings: Expert, Wave Fighter, and Keep Kicking. Those who spent time inside had a wide range of complaints ranging from: sunburns, riptides, lengthy paddle times, long periods of calm, smelly suits, leash tangles, virtual surfers cutting in front of them during rides, and enormous waves made of Kalani’s favorite Manimal flavor, “Fightberry Punch,” which led to painful wipeouts, and injuries.

“Anyone who’s been surfing for more than a few days knows the joy of catching that perfect wave on a sunny afternoon, but they also know that surf reports can be wrong. They know that: bodyboarders snake waves, your leash is constantly getting tangled, a wetsuit left in a pile in your car gets really stinky, really fast, and sometimes you get pounded by a wave. These are all a part of what real surfing is like. Layla knew that, and I was just trying to offer people a chance to experience an important part of her life. I made sure that there was virtually no chance someone could have drowned, so I’m not sure why a fews bumps and bruises were such a big deal. I’m just glad I decided to take shark attacks out at the last minute. As far as Malie goes, it was her 112th birthday, and she really wanted to check it out. I felt bad that I hadn’t made the tank properly accessible, so I got a couple people to help me get her, and her scooter in there. I’ll admit it wasn’t my best idea, but I’ve seen this lady cliff dive, and drive out of a plane on her show. I figured she could handle anything the tank threw at her.”

For her part, Malie Kahiko, star of the hit show “Malie’s List” says that people are making too much out of the incident, and says her experience in the TMT was one of the best birthday gifts she’s had in years. “I probably should have started on “Expert”, but I wasn’t sure how long they’d let me stay in there, so I went for “Keep Kicking” right away. What a blast! I didn’t know Layla as well as I would have liked, but if this was how she lived every day, she experienced more in the short time she was here than most, maybe even me. What a wonderful tribute and ride. I give it: ‘five stars, would repeat!’”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Celebrates Reality Star Malie Kahiko’s 111th Birthday

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Malie Kahiko, one of Lahaina’s favorite daughters, is celebrating her 111th birthday today and visitors and residents alike are helping her celebrate. The popular star of the online series, “Malie’s List”, says that she appreciates all the well wishers and says she doesn’t plan on doing anything special to celebrate her birthday. “After 100, every day is just another day,” she says. Kahiko credits her long life to “genetics, a bit of luck, and trying everything at least once.”

When Malie Kahiko was born, the federal government had just raised the minimum wage to 40 cents, Germany had annexed Austria, oil was newly discovered in Saudi Arabia, and a man named Howard Hughes set a new “round-the-world” record of 3 days, 19 hours. A lot can change in a lifetime, especially a lifetime that lasts over a century. Malie says that veil travel and ceremplant technology are at the top of her list of amazing developments during her long life.

In addition to her longevity, it’s lists that have pushed her into the spotlight, but according to Malie, that was never the plan. “To be honest I never planned or even wanted all this recognition. I started going through my bucket list when I turned 88. It took me 10 years to get through the whole thing. I never imagined I’d actually get through it. Then I spent a year doing things I sorta wanted to do, and made it to the end of that list too. I was 99, I had done everything I ever dreamed of doing. I had buried 3 husbands, a couple children and a grandchild. All of my old friends were long gone and I was honestly struggling to figure out what to do with myself. Some of my great-grandkids suggested I finally get a ceremplant. I’ve never been a big fan of that sort of thing, but they said it’d be easy to use and it’d give me people to talk to. They couldn’t have been more right. I started telling people about my life and my bucket list. Everyday it seemed like a dozen more would message me and before you know it I had my own channel. On my 100th birthday someone said they really wanted to go cliff diving but always chickened out at the last minute, so I said I’d give it a try for them. I figured it might be fun and if it went bad….well I’d get to see my friends again. That was the beginning of the series.”

Malie’s List sees Kahiko scratch off items from viewer’s bucket lists, and has made her one of the most recognized faces in Lahaina. Along with her black mobility scooter Betty, she has spent the past 10 years traveling the world and completing over 250 viewer suggested tasks. Malie has: scooted with the bulls, shuffled off the top of waterfalls, dived with sharks, helped tag the Duracave elephant herd, been hoisted up a sheer cliff face, and even sailed through a hurricane. Surprisingly, Kahiko says she doesn’t see herself as a daredevil, “I’m just a lady who has lived so long that I figure there’s nothing to lose anymore. I go to the Abramo Chop House at least 3 times a week and always eat as much as I can from the Long Pig Buffet, despite what my doctor says. If there’s no lifeguard on duty, I love wading into the surf during a good storm. there’s nothing more beautiful than watching the lightning in the breaking waves. I try not to let anything slow me down. If Betty can get me there, I’m up for it.”

Malie says she doesn’t know what she’s going to do with all the cards and gifts she’s got so far. She even received a prototype wrist device that interfaces with her implant. “To be honest, I’m not sure of everything this thing does. They’re supposed to be sending a tech over to explain it to me. All I know is that it monitors my health and they said it will help protect me from any major injury. I just like the way it looks, even if it does chafe my arm a little. I’d say they need to make the next one a bit more comfortable.” A Reparre spokesperson said they were thrilled to be able to provide Kahiko with the company’s latest technology but could not comment on the device’s specifics.

Inventor Ano Lee, one of Malie’s most diehard fans, gave Betty some upgrades this year as a birthday gift. “I never miss an episode of Malie’s List. I know that there are a few things she can’t do because of Betty’s limitations and I wanted to change that. She inspires so many with her show that it inspired me. Most mobility scooters have less than 2 hp and a top speed of around 8 mph on pavement. I thought I could do a lot better than that, and I was right. After a little power rerouting and tinkering, we got Betty to hit 35 mph on the sand. I figure she’ll go at least 50 mph on the road. We lifted the body, added better stabilization controls, and synthetic all-terrain tires. Now she’ll be able to cross all the deserts and jump all the buses she wants. We added a flash freezing unit to the basket to keep her drinks cold, speakers, a 120 decibel dual air horn system to let people know she’s coming, and a hula girl bobblehead on the handles, to help her remember her home no matter where she is. I hope these modifications last her another 111 years.”

Kahiko says she’s overwhelmed by all the kind words and amazed at Betty’s upgrades. “Just when you think you’ve seen it all, someone gives you a souped up scooter with heat resistant tires. I can’t wait to go volcano exploring while listening to Benny Goodman.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina’s 109-year-old Junior Ranger Patrols the Trails and Keeps Them Safe

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It was a trip of a lifetime for Karen Brodi and her fiancé Lars. The pair had spent the day sightseeing and soaking up the West Maui sun. Hoping to catch a glimpse of a celebrity, they ate lunch at the famous Hula Noodle restaurant and planned on taking a tour of the Thorcon plant later in the day. With a few hours to kill, the couple decided to hop in one of the public ATVs and explore some of the trails throughout the beautiful Lahaina preservation zone. That’s when their trip took a turn for the worse.

The couple soon found themselves stuck in the mud at the bottom of a ravine. Worse, Lars had badly sprained his ankle trying to dig out the wheels of their Manimal ATV. Karen had no idea where they were, which made it hard for rescuers to find them. Emergency drones were dispatched, but authorities told Karen it could be hours before they were located. Just then, she heard what dozens of other troubled tourists have heard in their time of need, the whirring sound of an electric motor.

“All of a sudden this really old lady wearing a ranger uniform pulls up on a tricked out mobility scooter,” Karen says. “I didn’t know what to think, and was just kind of staring at her, when she got up and unwound some cable from a winch mounted on the front. She asked if I could wrap it around the front axle while she chained her scooter to a tree. The next thing you know we had the ATV out of the mud and Lars in a splint she made out of sticks. She gave us both a bottle of water and told me to follow her because she knew a short-cut to the main road. We both thanked her and asked her name. She said it was no trouble and that it was her job; she was Junior Ranger Malie.”

Karen and Lars are officially the 35th and 36th tourist treated or rescued by Malie Kahiko, Lahaina’s oldest Junior Ranger. The 109-year-old star of the reality program Malie’s List is many times older than the preservation zone itself, but says being part of the Junior Ranger program helps her feel young. “They thought I was crazy when I showed up, and told me the program was for kids. I told them that I was a kid at heart and that they didn’t have anything about age listed anywhere, so they’d just have to deputize me.”

Started a year after the preservation zone expansion in 2031, the Junior Ranger program was designed to teach children about: the wonders of nature, the importance of protecting fragile areas, and to cultivate a sense of stewardship in the next generation of wildlife advocates. Despite the age difference between Malie and her other Junior Rangers, she says she feels right at home at their weekly meetings. “I just love the energy of the kids and the look in their eyes when I tell them about the people I helped that week,” Kahiko says.

There’s no doubt that Malie has become an attraction herself, with many tourists wanting to get a picture with the elderly ranger, but admiration for her is not shared by everyone. Compliance Liaison to the Mayor’s Office Elizabeth Stonegate calls the idea of a 109-year-old Junior Ranger, “silly” and says Malie has no business patrolling the preservation zone.

“To be perfectly honest it’s ridiculous. Mrs. Kahiko has no formal training, and didn’t work as a first responder when she was young enough to be useful. I for one don’t think it’s cute or inspiring that an ancient woman, no longer capable of walking from her couch to the kitchen, is cruising around out there. She’s a liability just waiting to happen! Instead of putting herself in dangerous situations, I believe Malie would better serve her family by finding an appropriate care facility and getting her affairs in order. She has reached that special age in life where it is important to acknowledge how close to death you are, and do everything you can to make your passing easier for your family, not pulling people out of the mud, or administering emergency first aid. She has obviously motored on well past her freshness date and needs to stop her antics.”

Undeterred by Stonegate’s criticism, Malie says she has the full support of her family and has no plans to give up her ranger uniform. “I’m not surprised that someone like Elizabeth Stonegate doesn’t get it. When that woman came out of her mother’s womb she started complaining that her swaddling cloth wasn’t designer made. What she and a few others don’t understand is that you are never too old to lend a hand. My scooter Betty has an electric winch, a spare battery, satellite phone, a water pouch, and all the medical supplies I need to handle almost any situation. Sure, I’m a little bit older than the other rangers, but I’m not too old to help when I can. That’s what the aloha spirit is all about! As long as I’m able, I’ll be out there lending a hand or a wheel to whoever needs it.”

STORYLINE

60-year-old Lahaina Man Brings Lawsuit To Lower His Age 20 years

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We live in an amazing time in history. The integration between man and machine has never been tighter thanks to ceremplants, and with Veilcorp technology you can travel the globe virtually instantaneously (once you make it through the security lines), but turning back the hands of time is still a bridge too far, or is it? One Lahaina man says that for all intents and purposes he’s actually 20 years younger than his birthday would lead you to believe, and is suing to have his birth year officially changed.

Former Dean of The University of Maui Lahaina College, and current life coach, 60-year-old Brian Mahelona says he has the body and mind of a man decades younger and has the paperwork to prove it. Through frequent Newuskin treatments and controversial stem cell rejuvenation therapy, Mahelona claims to have “revitalized” himself and is physiologically indistinguishable from someone almost half his age. Now, backed with doctor reports and lab results, he is asking the State to change his age in their records. “You can change your name. I don’t see why you can’t change your age if you really are physically younger than what your birth certificate indicates,” he says.

Unsurprisingly, the case has grabbed headlines over recent weeks, but Brian is no stranger to being in the news. Just last year he resigned his position as dean due to allegations of inappropriate behavior and misappropriation of funds to fuel what reports called “a Newuskin treatment obsession.” However, no criminal charges were filed in the case, and Mahelona vigorously denies doing anything illegal. He acknowledges that he acted at times with poor judgment, but says he’s learned from his missteps and is serious about his case.

“I know a lot of people out there are thinking that I’m some crazy old guy who lost his job because he would show up at college parties, tailgate with the student body, say inappropriate things and spent every last dime he had on Newuskin treatments and tailored stem cell injections, but that’s not true at all. I’m definitely not old! I’ve devoted everything to rejuvenating my body and it has really paid off. I’m not just bragging, I’ve quantified my strength, potency, and vigor with the help of medical professionals. I feel like a young god because I’ve transformed myself into one. I can’t believe what I see in the mirror, and I find myself looking a lot. A man the age of the one on my birth certificate is limited. As someone in their 40’s I still have a lot of options when it comes to cars, dating, employment, and life in general. I just want the government to acknowledge what’s obvious to anyone looking at me, and change my date of birth.”

Newuskin spokesperson and Kokua Wellness Center promotions coordinator Yvonne Masters says Mahelona’s transformation is impressive but pushes back at the idea that treatments will actually make you younger. “There’s no doubt that regular Newuskin treatments will benefit your overall health, and have a stunning effect on your outward appearance, but make you younger? No, I’m afraid that’s something we can’t claim. We are in awe of what Mr. Mahelona has been able to accomplish through regular treatments, purposeful eating and plating practices, and his laser-like focus on manifesting his personal truths. However, I can’t say that we can reverse the aging process quite yet. On the other hand, if the State does agree that Mr. Mahelona is in fact younger because of the vitality imbued by our treatments….well that would be a different story. In either case, there is no denying the amazing results his determination and our technology have created.”

Officials say there is little chance Mahelona is going to be successful as there is no legal mechanism allowing a person to change their birth date. A Maui court is expected to rule on the matter by the end of the month, but the court of public opinion seems to have already come to its own verdict, and it’s not good for the former dean. Holly Kalili a Junior at the university and a sister in the Psi Pi Chi sorority says students were initially amused by Mahelona’s antics, but now most just feel bad for him.

“At first we were all like ‘Is that the dean playing beer pong?’ It was kind of funny I guess. He was trying to hang out with us and talk like us, but it was also kind of weird, like when your parents try to talk with you like they’re your friend and not your parents. It’s not that I don’t like old people. I absolutely love watching Malie’s List, that show where the old lady on her scooter crosses things off your bucket list. But she’s like over a hundred, that’s inspirational old. Dean Mahelona is just sad old. I guess he looks good for his age, but I mean 40 is too old to hang out at frat parties too. I just hope he gets the help he needs, and stops doing things that put him in my newsfeed.”

STORYLINE

Company Set To Sell Missed Veilcorp Travel Slots

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There’s no doubt that Veilcorp has changed the face of travel and transportation. Almost 3 billion travelers used Veilcorp to reach their destinations last year, and that number is expected to almost double in the next 10 years. Up until now, one of Veilcorp’s biggest logistical problems has been handling last minute cancellations and late customers. The issue causes delays and complications, costing the travel giant millions every year. However, a new company says it has a solution that will save some of that money, and provide a certain group of travelers great travel deals. Veil-Trails plans on selling those missed or abandoned departure slots at a greatly reduced rate to those who don’t have a specific destination in mind, and are quick enough to fill them.

Coordinating almost 8 million trips daily is a mammoth undertaking that requires an equally large number of resources and support staff. Monitoring 127 levels, synchronizing with arrival destinations, handling paperwork and permits for international destinations, and ensuring that safety protocols are followed is a daunting task. While the introduction of the VALARIE AI (Veil Artificial Life Augmented Recognition Intelligence Entity) a few years ago helped streamline the system greatly, it still represents a large part of Veilcorp’s operating time and costs. That’s why when Reed Gammen, founder and President of Veil-Trails, approached Veilcorp with his idea, they were very interested.

“Everyone who’s taken a trip with Veilcorp has noticed how short the lines are and how smoothly everything runs. It all works great until it doesn’t. Any glitch in timing, or a customer who doesn’t show up can really throw a wrench in the system, and cuts into Veilcorp’s bottom line. However, one of the greatest things about Veil travel is that it has opened the world to those with a spirit of adventure, and a desire to explore. I knew that if we could join Veilcorp’s structured systems, with some of these free spirited travelers, we could have an unconventional success. They agreed, and Veil-Trails was born.”

Gammen’s company works by creating a pool of people willing to travel with only an hours notice, and to a location that is only revealed upon their arrival. Veil-Trails customers must have valid passports, documents for a number of possible destinations, and up-to-date shots for a variety of exotic diseases. Customers check boxes for which of 22 global regions they would like to visit such as, “Midwestern United States” or “Eastern Europe,” and are alerted when a traveler to one of those locations has cancelled, or failed to show up.

While traveling to an unknown destination with less than 60 minutes notice may seem exciting to some, safety advocates say the program could be potentially dangerous, with people arriving unprepared for the climate, or the political environment of some locations. Sam Pilikia, one of Veilcorp’s own employees, ran into trouble during the test phase of the program late last year. Political unrest reached a boiling point, and an armed conflict broke out in New Equatorial Guinea minutes after Sam’s arrival. He was forced to hide, injured in the rubble for 36 hours before he could be rescued. In the end, Sam received more shrapnel than savings, but Reed says the company has taken steps to make sure nobody has to go through the ordeal that Sam did.

“We’ve actually removed 4 regions from the original 26 for ongoing or potential political unrest. We take our customers safety very seriously, but unfortunately we can’t foresee every disaster man-made or natural. We encourage people to educate themselves about a region before they click that box,” says Gammen. Despite the safety concerns, many seem eager to try the service, with over 5,000 living near a Veil Station signing up already this morning.

Malie Kahiko, star of the popular online series Malie’s List, in which she marks off items on other people’s “bucket list”, is one such early signee. The 102-year-old Lahaina resident says she can’t wait to see her fans, and different parts of the world on a discount.

“People who watch my show know that not much frightens me. If you’re scared of anything after 100 you’re doing it wrong. Every morning I wake up is a blessing, and a surprise at this point. Everyone knows that the only thing I love more than naps and dinner at 4pm, is a great deal. Veil-Trails seems like a great opportunity for someone like me. I already take a handful of pills every morning so a few more, and an occasional shot doesn’t concern me. My scooter Betty has a secure bag for all my documents, and I’m only 20 minutes from the station at top speed. As long as they have: senior discounts, jazz music, robust accessibility laws, and a challenge for me to cross off a list, I’m ready.”