STORYLINE

Merchants Association Offers Bounty On Gaia Guard Members

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I had planned on thanking you all for turning out last night at the unveiling of our ethnobotanical garden. I was going to explain to you all how important the over 100 species of endemic and indigenous plants are to the future of Lahaina. It was my intention to announce that we had opened the garden to Kanaka healers from the Mission, in the hopes of developing new medicines for us all. Instead, I’m forced to address what is becoming an all too common event in the past few weeks, the deadly attack on the Ananas Pineapple Farm.

Gaia Guard zealots sent us a message this morning confirming what many of us had already believed. They took responsibility for the latest attack, and promised more unless we, “stop pursuing the agenda of humankind and begin listening to the Earth.” In an attempt to end these senseless attacks and make the island a little safer, The Lahaina Merchants Association is offering a 5,000 rai reward for any information leading to the capture of any Gaia Guard zealot, and a 10,000 rai reward for any member dead or alive.

This was far from the first attack, but it was the deadliest so far. In the past week, Gaia Guard has launched numerous offensives, leading to great loss of life and property.

December 1, 2117:
At approximately 6:15 am a Gaia Guard strike team attacked our Whalanimal production area just south of Black Rock Beach. Five employees were killed in the attack, and many more injured. The perpetrators destroyed more than 200 gallons of Whalanimal Benthic Blue and Whalanimal Scrimshawberry flavors, saying that the drink was, “an abomination!” The group then pushed our brewing carcasses back into the sea, saying that they were letting the whales “go back home to rest.” Filled with proprietary chemicals, they were ignored by wildlife, and the tides took the carcasses out far enough that we could not immediately reach them. Unfortunately, the brewing process continued inside the whales, leading to an unexpected expelling of processing gases, and the unpleasant smell that has been lingering along the beach this week.

December 4, 2117:
A convoy transporting supplies, including over a thousand cans of SSHAM discovered in a newly uncovered portion of the SSHAM factory, was attacked by Gaia Guard zealots who had mined the road. All but one driver was killed in the explosion and ensuing attack. Many of the supplies were stolen and the vehicles were damaged beyond repair. Worst of all, the attackers opened every can of SSHAM in a large pile and set it on fire. The load was burnt so badly that it couldn’t even be repackaged as SSHAM Extra Dark. The surviving driver was told that meat, even from a can, was no longer allowed in Lahaina.

December 5, 2117:
While most of us were celebrating the opening of the garden, the Ananas Pineapple Farm was decimated. There were no survivors. Security cameras show that a brief firefight broke out at 10:00pm with farm personnel being quickly overwhelmed. Gaia Guard members can be seen destroying the pineapple crop and donning protective suits before spreading a substance throughout farm buildings. We now know that the substance was 127. The farm will be closed until proper decontamination procedures can be carried out, and the entire crop was lost.

The message claiming responsibility this morning reads in part:

“The fracture had given our mother the relief that she craved, and for many years the land and water healed, free of the taint of human interference. Our mother created many dangerous children to help keep the infestation from growing too large once again, but we knew we had to continue to stay vigilant and steadfast in our stewardship. Recently, it has become apparent that many of you did not learn anything that the fracture or our Mother has tried to teach you. You use the bodies of some of her most majestic children to brew foul drinks, you eat flesh that you’ve stuffed in cans, and you harvest plants that are not native to the soil, in order to sustain the growing number of parasites on the island. We applaud the opening of your garden of native species. It is proof that you know what is right in your heart, letting our Mother nurture her children in their proper place. Your continued efforts to restore what has been deemed cancerous by the very fabric of existence itself is unacceptable, and we will make sure that any further efforts to rebuild the past end with your deaths.”

As you can clearly see, these zealots need to be stopped. The Lahaina Merchants Association recommends caution when trying to deal with these dangerous individuals, they are armed and exceedingly dangerous. All information, and rewards must be processed through our main office just East of Kalani Beach. The LMA is not responsible for any loss of life or limb while in the pursuit of collecting a Gaia Guard bounty.

STORYLINE

Lahaina Merchants Association Reopens Public Kalua Pits

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For the past 10 years you’ve counted on the Lahaina Merchants Association’s public roasting pits to provide a safe and convenient place to cook large meals for your friends and family. We understand that our kalua pits have become like a second kitchen for many of you, and you’ve come to trust the Association’s commitment to safeguarding this valuable public resource. This trust was tested recently, and we had to temporarily close down this important service. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused. However, we are excited to announce that we have opened the pits to the public again, and have installed new safety measures and procedures to ensure your continued protection.

It is an accepted fact that cooking in a ground oven, or imu, produces some of the best tasting meat you can imagine. For thousands of years our ancestors have been using heated rocks and pit ovens to slow cook communal meals, and it has become a staple technique for traditional Hawaiian cooking. Unfortunately, like everything else, the fracture has made this style of food preparation dangerous.

Digging a properly sized pit can be a time-consuming process, and can lead to a lack of vigilance, making you an easy target. Gathering enough heating stones, and carrying them back can slow you down if you need to leave an area in a hurry. While there is no doubt that the smell will attract neighbors from far and wide, it can also attract many unwanted guests like Nightmarchers or Menehune. Our public kalua pits removed these concerns and had a flawless track record until last week.

There have been many rumors circling around about the exact nature of the incident that forced us to halt operations. Some of these rumors have been quite outlandish, so please allow us to set the record straight and explain precisely what happened.

As I’m sure you are aware, we have always had an “if it has four legs you can roast it” policy. Meals can be hard to come by, and we understand that sometimes your options are limited. The flaw in this policy was highlighted with a perfect storm of mishaps. A recently restored traveler decided to cook a tainted wolf in one of the pits and failed to cover it properly. This would have been bad enough on its own, but the individual also didn’t fully understand the process and used stones they had gathered themselves from a nearby stream. These stones shattered with enough force to spread radioactive wolf meat on everything and everyone in the area, forcing us to shut down.

Thanks to our quick and decisive action, nobody was injured or became ill, but it did show us that we can do better. We have permanently filled in the pit in question and have scrubbed the area of all lingering radiation. The picnic area now falls well within safe levels for long-term exposure. We have hired more onsite help to make sure everyone stays safe and the new rules are being followed. In addition, outside materials can no longer be used in the pits. We will provide complimentary stones and burlap for anyone using the imus. For all the traditionalists, taro, banana, and ti leaves are available for a modest charge.

Regrettably, we have had to put an end to our “four legs” policy. To help ensure the safety of others, we now allow only: pig, deer, fish, rabbits, geese and mea-moa pods to be roasted in the area. However, we are offering a wide variety of spices and flavorings for purchase, to help you kick up the flavor a notch without the potential of contamination.

Finally, we have installed a food testing station to help alleviate any lingering fears you might have. This is a free service for any customer using our imus, and is available to the public in general for a nominal fee.

We apologize again for any difficulty this closure has caused and hope that we can win back your confidence. I believe these new safety guidelines and offerings will only make our service better. We thank you for your continued support and patronage. It’s a dangerous world out there but we’re doing our best to make it safer for you and your family. I can’t promise that you’ll never be covered in the half-raw exploded bits of a radioactive wolf in your life again, only that it won’t happen around our kalua pits.

STORYLINE

Make Lahaina Beautiful Again!

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As President of the Lahaina Merchants Association, I’d like to thank my fellow sellers and citizens for making the past year our best and brightest so far. Our Fall initiatives really made a big difference. Our renewed focus on quality and specialization, as well as our pricing and distribution agreements led to record profits. I couldn’t be more proud about how we handled the sudden increase in potential shoppers, after the global backup connection was restarted at the Veilcorp facility.

These new faces have let us build up quite a surplus, and allows us to make even more changes. While some of these new buyers are fine people concerned only with their welfare and the welfare of their loved ones, there is another sort as well. Of course I’m talking about those interested in running through the jungle and ruins, shooting at anything that moves too fast. The kind that charges into a group of night marchers, and ends up having to run back to town for safety with a trail of those nightmares running after. The individuals who think it’s their right to check the pockets and packs of any random person they see laid out somewhere. I’m talking of course of the adventurer.

We’ve always had a few willing to leap before they look. I can’t count how many times Sgt. Kaua has interrupted a town picnic ranting about how he’d vanquished some foe while fresh blood dripped from his beard. Sure it was a bit off-putting, but there’s no doubt that on the whole, he makes the island safer. Nonetheless, we don’t need another Kaua, let alone a dozen more.

We need to appeal to the less extreme new visitors to our beloved island, and the time has never been better. The new moon came early this year and the menehune have already completed their annual dance. That should give us at least a month to work diligently before we have to worry about them getting their energy and bad attitudes back. The association has set enough money aside from our Fall push to pay off the bandits for at least that length of time. It would be a shame if we didn’t grab hold of the opportunity that is being presented to us. Let’s bring back the beauty to our home, and make it a good place to start a family, not trouble.

First we need to remove any and all skulls, enemy corpses, and various animal parts from view. I know many of you, particularly the Kānaka, believe that it wards off potential enemies and adds just the right amount of “don’t start trouble here” to your homes and businesses. You’re probably right, but it also acts like a sign to the hazard-seeking type. It lets them know that there are probably weapons in the area and items to loot. Adventurers are drawn to a collection of night marcher skulls like a moth is to flame. Let’s put out this particular attraction until we have the town back into a respectable state.

There’s no doubt that we’ve all done a bit of scavenging in our day, and many of us still turn over a brick or two looking for something useful, but these people will collect anything. I had a gentlemen show up to one of my shops with a bag of broken plates he’d liberated from the ruins. He asked how much he could get for them, as if there was some unwritten rule that everything you could pick up and put in a bag was worth something. If we all work together and help clean up a few of the buildings on Front street, I think we have a good chance at getting rid of these sifters.

Speaking of cleaning up, we should target a couple other areas as well. The baby beach has always been a good place to go if you don’t like big waves. Unfortunately the horned turtles are vicious opponents and taste pretty good. If we push hard to remove them, we get rid of opponents and a valuable resource that these thrill seekers seem to need. I propose adding a mark to one of the many urchins there once a week, something like a gold star. The finder of the golden urchin wins a free meal, or something equally family friendly. I can’t imagine that wading through the warm-friendly-waters, checking the bottom of urchins for a chance to win a sandwich will be exciting enough for these trouble makers.

While we’re at it, we need to clean out the banyan grove of green ladies once and for all, and do some pruning. After removing yet another potential adversary for the yahoos, we should do some landscaping and clean up some of the undergrowth. A few nice ornamental shrubs and some sturdy benches might be just the thing we need. If we install a nicely groomed Ulu Maika course, we’re sure to keep them out of the area. There’s no way that rolling stones between two pegs is going to hold their attention like stalking enemies in the undergrowth. I hear the cruise ship folks are interested in selling their surplus shuffleboard equipment as well. We might want to purchase some of that as well, just for insurance.

Finally, I propose that we finish hooking up the remaining solar panels and batteries to the lights on Front street. Danger lurks in shadows, and nothing compels the overly inquisitive to investigate like a dark alley. Lets light up every corner at night, and take the mystery out of our back alleys. In addition, I’ve already contacted Bruddah Lee about starting walking history tours of downtown. He assures me that he has enough learned Kānaka colleagues that we could have multiple tours going at once 24 hours a day. Just think of it, every question about the old jail and why the particular wood was chosen for the boardwalk explained in excruciating detail 24/7. I don’t know about you, but I choose yawns over brawn .

The time is right but we have to act quickly before this window of opportunity closes. We put in the hard work through the years to make Lahaina the success it is. We can’t afford to let a bunch of weapon toting ruffians take over. It’s our blood, sweat, and tears that got us this far, and it’s time for us to enjoy it in peace. We deserve tranquility. Let’s make our home beautiful and boring again.

STORYLINE

The Lahaina Merchants Association’s Roadmap for the future

For over almost 20 years I’ve proudly led this group. When I started, many of us were selling scrounged tools and cans of food in dark alleys. Under my leadership I’m proud to say that the consumers of Lahaina may now purchase a wide variety of newly smithed metal items, lifesaving medicines, and fresh foods. Your entrepreneurial spirit and hard work have been an inspiration to me and to our customers but times are changing. The markets are in fluctuation and we need to pivot or run the risk of losing the footholds we’ve fought so hard to carve out.

As many of you know, last month someone was able to restart the global backup connection, and people started pouring in. I understand why some of them have turned to hawking their items. They’re confused, scared, and in a world that is vastly different than the one they remember. I sympathize with them, but I do not condone their activity. We can’t afford to look weak.

If these new visitors are going to conduct business in our territory they should be informed of the rules. I can forgive one transgression especially if they haven’t been enlightened, that’s what penalty charges are for. However, if they continue to disregard the rules we must be ruthless. This only works if we all work together. They need to know how important it is to pay association fees in a timely manner, (a lesson some of you are still struggling to learn I might add).

This is a good start but let’s be honest, it won’t solve our problem. Too many of them are showing up to effectively monitor. The writing’s on the wall and we need to step up our game. We need to come together like never before and show the people of Lahaina that they can consistently get quality products at a reasonable price from any of our businesses. I have a plan in place, but again, it only works if if we all work together.

First and foremost we need to renew our focus on quality. In the past weeks, I’ve heard a number of complaints about the selling of tainted clams, especially along the beach. I’ve talked to a few of you individually about the issue but it has to stop. Worse yet, it’s come to my attention that a number of spears have made it out of shops without fire hardening. We need our customers to feel like they can count on a LMA spear in combat. Their trust in us breaks a little every time one of those spears does. We can’t afford to carry members who cut corners.

We also need to start specializing. With the increased flow of consumers coming from the station stores nearby are busier than ever, but they are also having trouble keeping inventory. I think becoming more specialized fixes both of those problems. If the vendors near the station specialize in food, they can send customers down the road for weapons. The weapons shop can send them to Front street for medicine…..on and on it goes. This will ensure that we all benefit from the new traffic and each business can maintain a proper inventory.

Before you start complaining, I’m not suggesting that you can’t sell ammunition or a dagger if you own a place near the station. I’m just saying it would be in your best interest to make a plan with the other merchants in your area to spread your resources. Let’s make sure everyone gets a piece of the action. As you know, I’ve been working very hard on getting the armory up and running and plan on using it as the go-to stop in Lahaina for all your combat and protection needs. If you haven’t contacted me personally yet about selling weapons in the armory, please do so soon, and I will pass on consignment agreements.

I know there has been a lot of concern about the loss of market share due to the increase of working Reality Machines around the island, but I don’t think we have anything to fear. First, there are only a couple up and running and it’s not like they’re making new parts anymore. Secondly, the products coming from these glorified vending machines lack the quality and character that our handmade items do. Quality will always be king as long as I’m in charge of the LMA. It would be foolish to completely brush-off the danger of these automated hucksters however, so any member caught providing plans to one will be treated as if they were caught stealing from the association. I don’t need to remind you of what the penalty for that offense is.

Finally, we need not only need to get the word out, but we need everyone from the Thrivers to the Kānaka to think of us as family. We need to become integral to the Lahaina way of life. I’ve heard suggestions ranging from a gun raffle, to complimentary canteen fill-ups on purchases over 100 rai, to a preferred customer program. All of these ideas are alright, but I think they miss the mark. We need to get back to what got us here, breadfruit and bodies. We never saw a year like we did when we swept the Menehune from around the train station back in 08. Our Breakfast-N-Bullets event was the largest single day promotion we ever pulled off.

Rounding up some bandits, or better yet a few Night Marchers, and stringing them up in front of some shops and high traffic areas will yield hug benefits to our bottom line. If we add a few strategic luau’s, I don’t see how we can lose. It’s time for us to focus on each other and what matters most, the rai.

STORYLINE

The Lahaina Lava Sledding Championships

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The Lahaina Merchants Association would like to invite you to the most exciting sporting event on the island, the 46th annual Lahaina Lava Sled Championships. Teams from all over the island compete each year to claim the Ikaika cup, but this year is special. Two local teams will be vying for glory and bragging rights. In two short weeks the Pu’u Blue Wolves will take on the Ka’anapali Screaming Nenes to see who is the fastest downhill.

As you all know lava sledding, or as the Kānaka say He’e hōlua, is an ancient sport well over 1,000 years old. The activity was seen as both a sport and a religious rite by early Hawaiians. With courses ranging greatly in size from a few hundred yards to miles, the practice was as popular as surfing when it was begun. Over the years it’s popularity grew and waned with cultural changes. A resurgence began in the early 2000’s and like most things, the activity was almost lost after the fracture.

Little has changed with the sport since its inception. Participants build a sled, or papa hōlua, and ride it down a prepared track. Traditionally, these sleds were 12’ long, 6 inches wide and made of wood. Riders would hold the sleds in front of them and run towards a specially prepared racing path. The tracks were composed of a foundation of gravel covered in sand or dirt with a top layer of grass or flowers. Racers would throw down the sleds at the beginning of the course, and ride them standing, crouching, or more commonly laying down, all the way to the bottom.

The modern unified rules allow sleds to be made of any material, although wood remains a popular choice. Sleds can be a bit longer as well, 14’ is now the maximum length, although a 6 inch width is still mandatory. The tracks and riding styles have remained the same through the years. Traditionally the length of a sledder’s run was measured to determine a winner, but since it’s been converted to a team sport, runs are timed. The team with the cumulative fastest 10 runs wins the day.

Like many things, we have Chief Ikaika to thank for the resurgence in popularity of the sport. After his successful campaign at Black Rock Beach, Ikaika used the traditional sport to keep ties strong between factions on the island. We think he’d be especially proud this year, as a classic match-up between power and finesse is sure to make for a memorable day.

The Pu’u Blue Wolves are back with a vengeance this year, hungry to once again display the Ikaika cup. Like their four-legged namesakes, the Blue Wolves rely on consistent speed and maneuverability to take out their opponents. Their fiberglass sled, and crouching riding style let them take curves at top speed and glide over any dips or irregularities in the course. The Blue Wolves are hungry, but the Nenes from Ka’anapali say their bark is worse than their bite.

The Screaming Nenes came out of nowhere this year to crush the competition. Highlighted by their thrashing of perennial favorites, the Luakoi Ridge Riders, the Nene’s have changed many minds about about what it takes to be a successful lava sled team. Focusing on traditional methods and materials, Ka’anapali has claimed many records and titles with their amazing run this season. They’ve managed to break the 100 km/h barrier a handful of times on their wooden sled this year. Retired sledding legend Rocky “Downhill” Hookeai says that the Nene riders are the quickest he’s ever seen adding, “They’re faster than a night marcher who stumbled into a Tapper camp.”

The Lahaina Championships are always an incredible event, but it is undeniable that this year may be one of the most exciting ever! Will raw power and speed beat finesse and skillful riding? Find out for yourself by being part of the story instead of just hearing about it the next day. A limited number of track-side seats are still available for 50 rai a piece, general admission tickets are 20. When your friends ask where you were on the day the greatest sporting event in history was held, tell them “I was 20’ away!”

STORYLINE

The Menehune Domestication Program is a Misguided Failure

At the request of program specialist Gary, and against my better judgment, I have been hard at work assessing the feasibility of a menehune domestication program for the Lahaina Merchants Association. Despite what the notes he discovered in the Vereserum labs have suggested, we have found the creatures extremely difficult to work with and handle. As everyone but Gary might expect, our experience so far shows that they can become violent and prone to destroy their surroundings when frustrated or upset. In addition to ignoring common sense, we believe the following are the biggest hurdles we’ll have to overcome if we want to continue Gary’s monster-helper program.

Branding: When most people hear the word menehune they don’t think, “useful furry companion for House maintenance or domestic chores,” they think about being eaten alive by the hairy little creatures. (I just want to make sure that you are aware that this has actually happened in a few cases involving the injured, and the elderly. Gary says that we just need to include a warning, but I remain unconvinced that selling an octogenarian a creature that has an equal chance of eating them and helping them fold clothes, is a good business model.) As you can imagine, this makes giving a name to this disaster waiting to happen a challenge. To be honest, all of his suggestions so far are terrible. None of the proposed names have done well in the focus groups. Claw Care, Monster Maid, and Beasts of Burden round out the bottom of the list, with Helperhune receiving the warmest approval, so that’s what we’re going with.

Appearance: The dirty hair, tiny black eyes, claws, and fangs of the Helperhune may serve them well in the wild, but they don’t help us. Couple their terrifying appearance with their proclivity to scent mark their favorite: foods, tools, places, people, and almost anything around, and you have a big problem. Many participants in the pilot program complained about being woken during the middle of the night by a face full of helper spray. Gary has offered the opinion that this may actually be a blessing in disguise, because we could sell packages offering face masks for those worried about choking on a mouthful of helper musk. He says we could round their ears, blunt their teeth, widen the eyes, and make their fur softer with the help of a series of Newuskin rejuvenations. However, the cost would be prohibitive to the program. I’m beginning to think that Gary is more interested in working through some sort of menehune fixation than managing a successful program.

The Screaming: It would be easy to think that being covered in their musk would be the worst part of having a Helperhune service creature, but you’d be wrong. The worst is the screaming. When a helper is upset it lets out a piercing shriek that can only be described as a horrifically jarring assault on the ears. They scream when they are overly excited. They scream when they are introduced to a new person or area. They scream when they see one of their kind. They scream when they notice something moving, or are tired. They scream, and scream, and scream. On average, a Helperhune screams hours a day. Worse than the constant and intense headaches, is the program specialist’s belief that owners will just “get used to it,” after a few days. I’ve pointed out that this might be a danger to people living in remote locations because it would attract predators and other dangerous denizens of the forest. Unsurprisingly to anyone who has ever had to work through the shrill cacophony of two dozen menehune alarm calls, my concerns have fallen on deaf ears. I’ll be surprised if Gary and I get through this without some sort of permanent hearing loss.

Supply and Socialization: To pile on the problems, we’ve found it impossible to train a Helperhune who has reached adulthood without consistent human interaction and handling. Since they are so terrible to be around, this is a problem. The very young have issues as well, as they are notoriously difficult to bottle feed, and are surprisingly destructive when teething. A Helperhune breaking in its baby fangs is an agent of destruction. The young have been known to chew through virtually anything when teething. Without a constant supply of sturdy chewing rocks, and Gary’s stereo, the young may have chewed through the door to the nursery; and I would have been forced to listen to his terrible music for a few more hours. I swear I’d rather listen to days of menehune screams than another minute of his 1980’s hair metal.

There is a brief window in young adulthood (8-10 months old), that menehune seem to be the least offensive, and the most easily trained. Unfortunately, the long and complex courtship rituals of the menehune make running a breeding program impractical and something I wouldn’t wish on anyone except Gary. When we have captured a wild menehune at this age, we found it was important to bond early with it, but not too strongly. In some cases they can become overly attached to their owners, leading to aggressiveness and increased screaming in males, and excessive grooming and hoarding behavior in females.

Summary: With all these issues one might ask, “Why would you try to train screaming, spraying, biting, provably dangerous creatures to perform basic maintenance tasks, or clean your house?” I’ve been asking Gary the same thing for weeks without a good answer. With proper diligent training and constant oversight, a Helperhune is a viscous, disgusting creature who may do what you ask, spray you with secretions, scream for a full hour in the middle of the night, or try to eat you depending on which way the wind blows. I suggest that someone else in the organization starts asking these questions too. I don’t actually look forward to hearing Gary’s answers, as I suspect he’s got some kind of weird kink that he wants to explore with the Menehune. Why else would have bought the ridiculously small maid costumes? I’m never working on a project like this again. You know what? I’m going to just go ahead and eliminate Gary now. He won’t be missed. What a jerk.

STORYLINE

Lahaina Merchant Association’s auction to feature rare ukulele and other relics

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For over 50 years the Lahaina Merchants Association’s weekly auctions have given islanders a place to buy food, water, and the rest of life’s necessities at a reasonable price. Many of you rely on our auctions to provide a safe and easy place to restock your stores and talk with your neighbors. We couldn’t be more thankful for your patronage. But every now and then something beyond the essentials passes our way that sparks a little excitement. Whether you’re a collector, history enthusiast, or just interested in something unique, we are pleased to offer you a little piece of the past.

A group of Kānaka warriors recently went on an excursion to clear the lava fields, when they stumbled upon an underground Veilcorp storage facility, full of mutants and rare items. While they kept many of the treasures they liberated from the creature’s claws, we managed to get our hands on some of the most intriguing items. We couldn’t be more thrilled to include them in this weekend’s auction.

As usual, the event will be held at the Merchants Association House, and bidding begins Saturday at 8:00 am. A light breakfast and hors d’oeuvres will be served and refreshing Whalanimal will be provided to wash it all down. An event as special as this needs a special officiant, so President Alan Kalepa himself will serve as your guest auctioneer. Here are the items that everyone will be talking about for the next few days.

An oscillating automated barbel. Long known to be the pinnacle of personal exercise technology, this oscillating barbel will tone and tighten you in no time. The magenta and cream color pattern is still quite bright with limited fading and chipping. Don’t let the unit’s modest 2.5 pound weight fool you, when this thing starts shaking you are in for quite a workout. Perfect for getting those hard corded arms you’ve always wanted to show off at the beach, or beat off an attack. Imagine the luxury of getting stronger from the safety of your home with little effort. The barbels are fully charged and come with a slightly damaged recharging cord.

An unmatched set of rubber clogs. Made sometime in the early 2000’s. You’ll feel like you’re walking on the clouds in these shoes. The bright yellow left and camouflage patterned right shoe may not be much to look at by modern standards, but they are a living testament to the durability of manufacturing before the fracture. The clogs still have a decent amount of tread and the multiple hole pattern allows your feet to breathe, keeping them dry in the wettest conditions. Made from antimicrobial rubber outlawed in 2035 due to its neonatal-cortical effects, they are completely mold and bacteria-free. At size 11, these shoes will fit most adults. Don’t miss your chance to walk a mile in the shoes of our ancestors.

Finally we come to the centerpiece of this week’s auction, a beautiful pineapple ukulele. Made from koa wood, this fine instrument was born right here on the islands by some of the greatest craftsmen the world has ever known. Our archivists have dated its construction to between 1928-1933, right in the middle of the golden age of pineapple ukuleles. We have restrung this 180-year-old piece of art with titanium strings to offer a bright tone, while at the same time providing more projection and volume. This treasure will be a stunning conversation piece, sure to be the envy of your friends; or for those of you so inclined, a wonderful way to explore music with an instrument with deep Hawaiian roots. Instruments this old and in this quality do not show up often, so the price is sure to go high. Don’t get left out of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to own a piece of the past.

Previewing and inspecting the merchandise is encouraged prior to bidding. All items are sold “As Is” with no exceptions. All auction sales are final. It is the bidder’s responsibility to determine the condition of each item prior to sale. All property is to be removed immediately upon payment. All items must be paid for immediately after the auction. We accept Rai or an equivalent amount of trade goods. (The Lahaina Merchants Association retains the right to determine the value of any trade goods offered as part of a barter.) See you there!

STORYLINE

Re: Infringement of Trademark Rights of Manimal Sports Drinks

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Dear Lahaina Merchants Association

We represent the owners of trademark registration no. 11948372 here and in dimension ∃3.81.654729. Widespread use of the Manimal trademark has been made, to the extent that this trademark has acquired an extensive reputation and goodwill throughout existence. The Manimal trademark is, accordingly, also a well-known mark for all relevant purposes of trademark law.

It has come to our attention that you are using the Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” trademark. This trademark is confusingly and/or deceptively similar to our Manimal trademark and also constitutes a reproduction or imitation thereof.

In this circumstance, your use of the Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” trademark will constitute an infringement of our registered and common law rights.

As such, we seek relief. We demand that you immediately:

  1. Cease all use of the trademark Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry”; or agree to our licensing terms. They are quite reasonable and we are willing to barter. We hold non-perishable food stuffs, bottled water, medical supplies, and ammunition at a premium.

  2. Deliver-up for destruction all material to which the Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” trademark or any other mark confusingly or deceptively similar to our trademark has been applied. The Manimal brand is synonymous with health, vitality, vigor, and an active lifestyle. Your dubious flavors and bizarre filtration methods are harmful to the image that our clients have carefully cultivated. Furthermore, the lack of proper government health and safety oversight in the production of your “drink” exposes the public to significant dangers.

  3. Withdraw, cancel and/or delete any corporate names, domain names, trademark applications and/or trademark registrations for or including the Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” trademark. Whales are beautiful and intelligent creatures that many revere. It is also illegal to hunt many species. We understand that at least one of your “brewing” whales is of a protected species. Your are exposing yourself to quite severe penalties and associating our clients with a practice that many would find abhorrent or distasteful. On a more personal note, I find the name of your product disgusting. I would be willing to provide you with a professional and experienced marketing specialist at a reasonable fee. Again, we are willing to barter for your potential new brand specialist.

  4. Undertake, in writing, never in future to make any use of the Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” trademark without prior written authority from us, whether within any corporate name, trading name, trading style, domain name or otherwise.

You may be foolish enough to think that we do not have jurisdiction in your area or that you are beyond our reach and/or ability to enforce this claim. That would be a big mistake. While you’ve been spending your time figuring out how to make drinks inside of dead animals and stealing intellectual property, we have been planning. We’ve spent years in the executive mezzanine brainstorming about what we would do to people who choose to ignore our demands. You wouldn’t believe some of the stuff that Phil’s come up with. Just thinking about it makes me shudder, and I’m a hard guy to shock. Don’t let this letter fool you. We aren’t the kind of law firm that relies solely on procedures and motions. It would be wise and healthier for you not to elicit any further action on our part.

We await to hear from you by no later than close of business on November 4, 2115. This is written without prejudice to our rights, all of which are hereby expressly reserved.

Yours faithfully,

Kurt Bickley

STORYLINE

We’re Launching the First New Manimal Product in Almost a Century

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Over 95 years ago the cure for thirst was discovered and Manimal was introduced to the public. Perhaps the most recognized brand in the world, Manimal dominated the sports drink market up to the fracture and beyond. The popular beverage could be found in almost every kitchen and the company hosted numerous competitive events worldwide. Even today, the drink remains one of the most sought-after items on the island because of its amazing rehydration properties, excellent packaging, and amazing shelf life.

It’s been 90 years since the company released its last line of products. Manimal spray promised those brave enough to use it, “Instant Maximum Hydration” and was a modest success for the company. Plagued with a number of lawsuits and government inquiries, time caught up to the company and it was never able to release another formula before the great accident but thanks to the help of our fellow Merchant Association member Rita Olu’olu that is about to change.

Rita’s Refreshments has been one of the most popular stops for a beverage for years. Her understanding of flavors and eye for branding has made her shop a top earner since she opened. Her “Turtle Juice” was the surprise hit of last year’s Lava Sledding Championships and won her many fans. Now, with our help, Rita is set to unveil her very own line of Manimal drinks.

Brewed inside the remains of a whale, 100% natural, and offering drinkers a “Lahaina sleigh ride to refreshment”. Whalanimal is available in 2 taste-bud-busting flavors: Benthic Blue and Scrimshawberry, the beverage is sure to change the way visitors battle thirst across the island.

The genesis of Whalanimal is a whale of a tale that our research shows is best left untold. While the unique process of brewing and mixing inside a cetacean carcass provides a perfectly safe and surprisingly delicious product, it remains distasteful to a large number of potential customers. If pressed on details we’ve found it best to avoid focusing on specific aspects of the process. Instead, let the taste and effects of the product breach any walls of doubt your patron might have.

The creation of Whalanimal is no fluke. We’ve worked for months with Rita to create a drink that not only lives up to the high expectations set by the original but blows a hole in them. Powered by the sun, and fortified with nutrients from deep inside the animal, this Manimal packs a whale of a boost. Our baleen to canteen filtration system ensures a quality product free of the large particles one might expect in a naturally brewed sports drink.

I know some of you have expressed concerns that we may have swallowed more than we could chew by trying to reboot the Manimal franchise. All I ask is that you give it a try. I could sit here all day blubbering about how excited I am, but words can’t describe the jolt you get after your first taste of Whalanimal.

Don’t leave your customers stranded on thirsty shores. Place your orders now. Once people learn that they can “Live like a Manimal” again without the fear of running out, the demand is sure to be high. Whales are known as the monarchs of the sea, and this new beverage is sure to become the king of refreshments.

STORYLINE

SSB&P Investigation Finds Numerous Thriver Violations In Pu’u

Attention: Lahaina residents, property owners, and business operators.

As many of you know, we are currently in the midst of litigation with the Lahaina Merchants Association (LMA) regarding their unauthorized use of the well-known Manimal brand. Their production and sale of Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” is unacceptable. In addition, during our due diligence, we become aware of numerous Kanaka violations regarding the property commonly referred to as “The Mission,” and some troubling inconsistencies regarding the property known as “Pu’u”. It is our hope to clear up these problems, and reach an agreement that is heavily weighed in our favor.

Having already explained to the Kanaka their liabilities, we wish to move on and focus our efforts on the Thrivers of Pu’u. After a close examination of public records, tax information, and the interrogation of two or your children, we have found a number of issues we can exploit. If you wish to avoid conflict, or lessen any judgement you may owe, we suggest that you comply fully with our requests.

NOTE: Providing actionable information regarding another case and/or signing a retainer agreement will end any investigation into your business, property, or dealings on our part.

We have learned that the Pu’u charter school is still standing, and continues to be used for the purpose of education, despite not having filed the correct paperwork for over 64 years. Your accreditation has long since lapsed, and we can find no record of a public review of textbooks, which is required under the law.

Our thorough questioning of a pair of children lured from the area, has led us to believe there are more serious issues as well. According to our examination: 50% of your children receive failing grades in reading and math, 100% fail science, and at least two haven’t learned to not go off with strangers. We have been informed that you are not conducting regular fire or hurricane drills, you are not offering lunch options for students with special dietary needs, and the building itself may have numerous code violations. To further our investigation and assess the severity of any problems we are formally requesting the right to enter Pu’u.

Notice to Enter Pu’u School
The Thrivers of Pu’u
1/30/2116

Dear Thrivers,

This letter serves as a formal request to enter the premises mentioned above on the date of 1/31/2116 between the times of 8:00 am and 8:00 pm.

The purpose of this visit is to solidify our case against you, obtain evidence necessary for a successful litigation, and fill the community with a sense of dread. This requires you to be available at the time of our visit. Further, we request you remember that we are holding two of your children before you attempt anything of a violent nature.

Please leave any weapons, explosives, or dangerous chemicals stored inside the school, and make no improvements prior to our visit, so we can make an accurate assessment of the premises.
This advance warning is in accordance with our practice of providing you notice no more than 1 day beforehand. If this time or date is inconvenient or problematic for you, too bad.

Sincerely,
SSB&P

If you fail to honor our request we may be forced to resort to any of the following: report you to any and all educational bodies, both public and private, across all worlds, seek punitive damages, conduct a massive negative social media campaign, start a school supply blockade, introduce inaccurate flashcards amongst your student population, or keep the students we already have in indefinite detention. For 65 years SSB&P has been the largest law firm around, and we pride ourselves on our ruthless efficiency and dogged determination. We look forward to further litigation with you in the future.