STORYLINE

Addressing the Fallout From Mr. Sprinkles’ Visit

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Good morning Mr. Pua’a. Let me start out by expressing my regret about the tone of our interactions over the past few months. I take my job here at SSHAM very seriously and I’m proud to run the breeding and nursing facility. I agree with your vision of the future and the important part that the shrigs have to play. I understand how much money the company has put into their development, I consider protecting their well-being to be my primary goal. That’s why I was so shocked that you had decided to give Mr. Abramo and his daughter Mrs. Essen a tour of the facility. Given the secret nature of our work here it seemed a strange move. When I saw that his daughter had brought her pet pig, I had to speak up. I apologize about our exchange in front of them, but I felt strongly at the time that the introduction of another animal would have an impact on the shrig’s egg-laying cycle. Now it appears I was right, but not in the way I had expected.

I believe Building S is the most advanced animal husbandry facility in the world and I’m very proud of it. When I started working here we had one crazy idea: combine a shrimp and a pig to create an animal that would have little environmental impact and would be easy to raise anywhere there was access to water. Today we have a thriving population of shrigs. Unfortunately, because of the nature of their existence and the public’s opinion on genetically modified foods, we have to ensure the secrecy of the program. I did not understand why you would allow strangers and another animal in without giving us a warning, or discussing it with me first.

Of course, I had heard of Mr. Sprinkles before. I had watched him in the news visiting the hospital on Molokai, helping to raise the spirits of patients there. I even vaguely remembered that Mr. Abramo’s daughter had become his owner and had used him as the ring bearer in her wedding. What I wasn’t prepared for was just how shiny he was in real life and his energy level. He was like living glitter and was zipping around everywhere making me concerned about the shrig’s reaction.

I tried to personally keep an eye on him, but Mr. Abramo’s passion for what we are doing here sucked me in. We must have been discussing the shrig life-cycle for almost an hour when I heard the squeals, shrieks, and a horrible sloshing sound coming from the main holding area.

I thought that my concerns had come true and I’d find bits of sparkly skin stuck in the slots of the fencing where the shrigs had pulled Sprinkles through. Instead, I found that the little pig had somehow lept the fence and was running about the pen while the shrigs squealed. It looked like they were playing. Brandi apologized and some of our technicians removed Sprinkles, but it was clear to everyone that it was time to go. We scrubbed the fencing and quarantined the animals Sprinkles had contact with, just in case he had brought in a pathogen but all seemed well. 94 days later we learned that Sprinkles wasn’t just playing in that pen.

The first hatchling with an iridescent pattern was brought to me immediately. By the end of the day, we had 23 shimmering little shrigs, all from sows that had been in the pen where we found Mr. Sprinkles. By the end of the week, the number had grown to 54. They averaged 15% smaller than the usual shriglet and didn’t seem to be able to filter feed like a purebred of their kind. All I could think of was the millions of dollars wasted and whether or not the mothers would still be viable since their breeding has been so difficult for us. While the little things were beautiful to look at, we’re creating food for the future here, not boutique pets. Then it occurred to me. We had 54 hatchlings from 7 mothers. Even though they were a bit smaller, that was an incredible insemination rate. He may be small and glossy, but that little pig is packing something powerful.

I think it would be in our best interest if you reached out to Mr. Abramo and Mrs. Essen to discuss the possibility of using Mr. Sprinkles’ services again. Of course this time we would conduct the coupling in a more controlled environment. We need to determine if there is something special physically that he is doing, or if his amazing fertility is a result of his extensive genetic manipulation. I have no idea what an appropriate stud fee would be since obviously, this is a unique case. Perhaps Mr. Abramo would be amenable to signing a confidentiality agreement and we could provide him with one of our older nonbreeding sows. Clackers hasn’t laid a viable clutch in months, so losing her wouldn’t be a major loss to the program. Everyone knows how obsessed he is with eating, the man created a museum dedicated to meat after all. I think if he discovers how delicious shrig shumai is, we should have no problem setting up an arrangement. Judging from the noises coming from the pen that day, I don’t think Mr. Sprinkles would complain either.

STORYLINE

Wedding Annoucements: Brandi Essen and Thomas Mencken

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Brandi Essen and Thomas J. Mencken were married on Friday, Jan. 8, 2049 at the beautiful Lahaina Mission. Following the wedding, Brandi and Thomas’ reception at Robert Abramo’s Chophouse on Aloha Shores was attended by more than 300 friends, family, and customers. Specially raised suckling piglets were served at each table to help celebrate the island’s most highly anticipated nuptials.

Brandi is the daughter of Robert Abramo and Susan Essen-Abramo of Lahaina.

Brandi was accompanied by her sisters and maids of honor, Olive and Brie Essen. Rosemary “Gravy” Abramo, who is 94 years young and Brandi’s paternal grandmother, was the honorary matron of honor. During the ceremony “Gravy” gave a speech recounting Brandi’s early interest in encased meats, telling those assembled of Brandi’s love of a toy hotdog named “Frank”. She told the giggling crowd that, “She loved that thing so much that we joked she’d get married with Frank in her pocket. I’m happy to say that I was wrong, and a little ashamed to admit that I checked just in case.”

The bridesmaids were Saffron Todd and Clementine Bergeron.

Thomas is the son of Douglas and Becky Mencken of Baltimore. He was accompanied by his two brothers and best men, Finn and Jim Mencken.

The groomsmen were his childhood best friends Sam Leco, Sidney Hammond and Mark Leco.
During the wedding, Nori Cavanagh, Brandi’s aunt, and Polly Philbin, Thomas’s older sister, recited prayers and sang. Madeleine McCutchan, Brandi’s godmother, and Joe Mencken, Thomas’s godfather, presented the couple with a rare Iberian “Manchado de Jabugo” ham. Amy Philbin and Mr. Sprinkles, Thomas’s niece and Brandi’s pet pot-bellied pig, were the flower girl and ring bearer.

Brandi is a graduate of Lahaina High School, Class of 2029, and attended the Culinary Institute of America. She holds a masters carving license from the Abramo Butchery Academy and is the operations manager for Abramo Holdings LLC.

Thomas graduated from Baltimore Polytechnic, Class of 2005, and studied evolutionary biology at Johns Hopkins University. He is an associate professor of regulatory food sciences at the University of Maryland, currently on extended sabbatical.

Brandi and Thomas share a lot in common other than their love of industrial-sized freezers. They officially started dating after meeting more than three years ago at the grand opening of Lahaina’s Big Bites store. Thomas plans on moving to Lahaina within the year. Brandi plans on taking some time off to write a book on various knife sharpening techniques.

The bride’s specially made purple allium and crackling bouquet was caught and quickly consumed by her grandmother Gravy. In lieu of flowers, the Chophouse was decorated with a variety of edible arrangements and meat platters. They were enjoyed by guests and customers throughout the event.

The groom’s best men and family chose not to deliver a speech during the reception, instead Brandi’s stepfather Bob Abramo spoke for both families. He told those assembled that he never imagined meeting someone who shared his passion for meat, so he “decided to raise one.” He thanked all the guests and provided everyone attending a year-long pass to the Lahaina Zipline Tours. Raising a toast to the new couples happiness, Bob warned Thomas in jest that he had, “A special meat grinder in the back of the kitchen for men who break my little girl’s heart.”

Brandi and Thomas currently reside in Lahaina with their pig, Mr. Sprinkles. They both love traveling and plan on enjoying their honeymoon, sampling buffets from around the world.

STORYLINE

Saying Goodbye to Mr. Sprinkles

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All of Tanager Lane is heartbroken this morning. Like many of you, I am still reeling from the fire this weekend. Mrs. Nebbits has been a fixture in the neighborhood even before my ascension to HOA president. For almost 20 years the neighborhood children had a grandmotherly figure to turn to when they needed homemade cookies, or advice and a smile. Her pet pig Mr. Sprinkles was an important part of their lives as well. While Kathy and I didn’t always see things eye to eye, I tried to help her as much as I could and point out problems when I saw them. I just wish I had been more forceful in suggesting that she fix her faulty wiring and stop using so many candles. I dropped by the night of the fire but she was already asleep with Sprinkles curled up at her feet. It’s hard to believe that just a few hours later the flames would change everything.

Mr. Sprinkles’ rise to fame began 11 years ago when he broke out of his house to alert the neighbors that Mrs. Nebbits was hurt. When the paramedics finally forced open the door, they found Kathy at the bottom of the stairs unconscious and lying in a pool of blood. She had a concussion and 26 stitches in her head but she was alive. Who knows what might have happened if Mr. Sprinkles hadn’t gone for help. All of Lahaina was talking about the hero pig of Tanager Lane.

Never one to rest on her laurels, Kathy took this new found fame and she turned it into an opportunity to give back. Her and her pot-bellied partner became a weekly fixture at Molokai General. The sparkling little pig was a favorite of many patients, especially the children. Sprinkles seemed to know who needed a good laugh and who needed to be comforted with a glittery head in their lap and an encouraging oink. The pair touched and literally saved lives with their therapy work. But as the old cliche goes, sometimes bad things happen to good people. According to fire investigator Dan Kukulu, the fire started near her chair where I saw her sleeping that night. He’s unsure if the cause was one of her candles or some faulty electrical work. Whatever the point of ignition, the fire has solved one long-standing problem for me, Mr. Sprinkles.

I know many of you considered him to be the unofficial mascot of Tanager Lane, and that’s the problem. He’s unofficial. You see, even though many of you consider Mr. Sprinkles a scintillating extended family member, he is, in fact, a pig. As such, he is not allowed to be kept inside the preservation zone. The only reason he was allowed to stay with Kathy was that he was here before the rules were put in place and she sued. His exemption burned up in that fire with everything else.

Having no family of her own, it was Mrs. Nebbits’ wish that we collectively take care of Sprinkles until the end of his days. Many of you may think this puts me in a difficult situation, but nothing could be further from the truth. The decision is quite easy actually, because there’s nothing to decide. The rules are quite clear. The pig must go!

I plan on using this unfortunate situation as a teaching opportunity for my kids. If Mrs. Kline had simply followed the rules right away and not sought out a loophole to defy the new law and my authority, this wouldn’t be happening. I’m sure many have wonderful memories of walking the little pig after Kathy got too sick to do it herself. Whenever they think back to those days with a heaviness in their hearts, they’ll remember the importance of guidelines. Following the rules is more important than following your heart. Rules are consistent and forever. Those of you raising your children in single family homes have already taught them that love is fleeting at best, but for the rest of you, this is a great opportunity to teach that lesson.

“But pigs are among the smartest animals on the planet. They can pass the ‘mirror self-recognition test’. That puts them in the same category with chimpanzees, dolphins, and elephants. He knows us,” you might say. Well, if he really is that smart I’m sure he’ll understand that his owner did the wrong thing. The last time I checked, being able to recognize yourself in a mirror does not give you the right to live in Tanager Lane. Besides, for all we know Mr. Sprinkles could have started that fire. Besides me, the pig was the last to see Mrs. Nebbits alive.

“Kathy just spent over $10 thousand on Tailored Cellular Optimization (TCO) treatments. He’s so sparkly now that he shines in the sun. He’s completely rejuvenated and has another 20 years in him at least. Besides, it’s almost Christmas. Can’t we bend the rules just a little one time for such an important member of the community?,” you ask. The answer is a resounding, NO!

As far as I’m concerned we should use Sprinkles new upgrades to our advantage. I was discussing the pig problem at the mayor’s office when Bob Abramo overheard my conversation and offered to help. While I’m not usually one to reward eavesdropping, there was something about the gleam in Mr. Abramo’s eye when we talked about the glittery little pig that caught my attention. He is very interested in Mr. Sprinkles and has offered quite a generous price. He assures me that he has big plans for our sweet little pig.

Out of respect for the connections some of you have with this prohibited animal and the upcoming Christmas holiday, I’m willing to let Mr. Sprinkles stay for a couple more days so you can say your goodbyes. Mr. Abramo only asks that you keep Mr. Sprinkles activity down to a minimum and that we start him on a sweet potato and apple only diet. He seems to know a lot about pigs and tells me that this naturally sugar rich diet is good for his muscles and overall quality. If you need any tips on how to talk to your children about this uncomfortable situation feel free to ask. As you all know, I’m exceedingly good at communication and interpersonal skills. I never thought I’d see this day but here it is. That little pig is about to fly. Mr. Sprinkles had an amazing life and story, but every story comes to an end. Tanager Lane is finally on the brink of achieving total compliance with preservation zone rules, and I intend to hold us to this high standard.

STORYLINE

Escaped Therapy Animals Cause Temporary Lockdown At Lahaina Medical Center

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The Lahaina Medical Center was on lockdown this morning, and sections remained closed for several hours, as DLNR officials and wildlife experts worked to capture numerous escaped animals. Those familiar with the case say a patient accidentally released the wild animals, including an adult wolf, from their carriers letting them run free throughout the facility. Hospital officials say patients were never in any danger, and all the animals have been recovered without major incident.

Brandon Kama, a part-time DLNR ranger, says that when he started “Creature Comfort” he was inspired by two things: “The great wolf rehabilitation work done by the Hahai Ranch, and Mr. Sprinkles, Lahaina’s most famous therapy pig.” Kama says, “Patients of all ages love visits from the sparkly little pig. Like many animals, Mr. Sprinkles seems to know who needs to have their spirits lifted, and who needs some extra comfort and reassurance. I looked at that kind of unorthodox therapy animal, and thought about how the people at the Hahai Ranch were rehabbing wolves and giving them a second chance, even letting some of them work with people on hunts. I just knew that I needed to combine the two. I thought that if I could use rehabbed wildlife to encourage sick and injured people, both would benefit. That was the idea behind Creature Comfort.”

Brandon says his organization has rescued hundreds of animals over the past three years, including many non-native species including: large birds, rabbits, foxes, squirrels, opossums, and raccoons. “Basically anything that can get hit by a car on the mainland. Veil transport has really opened up the possibilities for wildlife rehab. You can have a facility almost anywhere now.” Kama says. Creature Comfort rehabilitates the injured and returns them to the wild if possible. If an animal is deemed incapable of release, the organization works on socializing it for use in its hospital therapy program. “Patients like seeing and learning about wildlife that they might not normally encounter. It’s an amazing program, with a great track record,” he says. However, things didn’t go quite as planned this morning.

According to an anonymous employee, the trouble started when Kama and his employees left a lounge used as a holding area for the animals unattended for a safety briefing with staff. The employee says, “From what we’ve been able to piece together, a heavily medicated patient walked past the lounge with his grandchildren and noticed the animals. We’re still not sure why, but he decided that the animals needed to be freed. Dozens of rabbits and squirrels, a handful of raccoons, and an older wolf on loan from the Hahai Hunting Ranch, were released in the hospital. It wasn’t long before things got out of control.”

According to reports the wolf found her way to the maternity ward and took up residence just outside the birthing rooms, growling at anyone who tried to enter the area. “I don’t think Loba [the wolf] would have hurt anyone, she was just trying to protect the babies,” says the employee, “She was actually the easiest to deal with. They shot her with a tranq gun and put her away. The raccoons and squirrels were a different story. The racoons got in the ductwork and spread out. A couple found their way to the kitchen and wrecked the place. They chewed up trays, spilled stuff all over, and you wouldn’t believe how much they could eat. It took hours to find the last one, but by far the worst were the squirrels. Somehow, many ended up in a room with a patient who has a history of animal hoarding. We took three squirrels out of the room right away, but it turned out she was hiding them. A few hours later we found a few more in her room. After we captured all the other animals, we found her playing with yet another. We’re still a few short, so we’re not sure if we’ve found all the places she has squirreled away the squirrels.”

Medical Center spokesperson Dr. Dalia Forsythe confirmed that, “a few squirrels remain unaccounted for” but says all other animals have been captured without harm to patients or wildlife. “Today was a bit more exciting than normal,” she says. “We routinely work with a number of therapy and wellness organizations to improve the morale of our patients. We believe that the positive interactions groups like these have with patients improve spirits and medical outcomes. Even though today didn’t go quite as planned, we have worked with Brandon and Creature Comfort many times in the past. With some changes as to how the animals are stored when not interacting with patients, we plan on working with them again in the future. Although, we would probably request leaving Loba behind next time. Delivering a baby is hard enough, without having a growling wolf outside your door.”

STORYLINE

Big Bites Stores To Host “Beat The Heat” Sleepover Nights for Customers

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There’s no doubt that the unprecedented heat wave of the 40’s has caused plenty of problems across Maui. With 2046 on track to be the hottest year in recorded history, many are finding it hard to get a good night’s sleep through the sweltering heat. Chop House and Big Bites store owner Bob Abramo says he knows how uncomfortable many Lahaina residents are, and wants to help some of his most loyal customers get some much needed rest. That’s why he announced a “Beat the Heat and Eat Some Meat” promotion lasting through the summer. Hundreds of lucky customers will get to spend a night in the air conditioned comfort of a Big Bites location near them, play games, enjoy free entertainment, and eat some meaty snacks, while they’re sitting cool.

Abramo says the idea came to him after listening to customers complain about the sticky nights, and the cost of air conditioning. “I had a customer offer me $20 to stand in the walk-in cooler for 15 mins,” Abramo says. “Even though it was a joke, like all humor, it had a ring of truth to it. I understand the importance of keeping meat properly cooled, and that includes my patrons. We sent out flyers to our best customers and asked them if they’d be interested in breaking out their sleeping bags, and letting us pay for the air conditioning for a night. The response was bigger than my famous long pig buffet. We had to extend the offer to all Big Bites locations to accommodate the hundreds who have signed up so far.”

Operations Manager Brandi Essen says she’s excited about the slumber parties, and that there’s plenty to do for the whole family.

“Everyone gets a complimentary overnight bag with: a pouch of jerky, your choice of either a delicious meat smoothie or a refreshing glass of Hamade, and discounts on all your favorite meat treats, including any of our 20 pickled meats, and our famous candied corned beef bites. We have pig-in-the-blanket sleeping bags for the kids, and tons of natural casing balloon animals for them to play with. There will be plenty of cool bedtime stories told in our walk-in coolers, and a free carnivore-friendly movie every night. I even hear that Mr. Sprinkles, Lahaina’s most famous pig, will make a number of appearances over the summer. I think it’s great that we can give back a little to our loyal customers, and I encourage everyone to RSVP before we run out of room and dates.”

While some seem interested in dealing with the unprecedented heat wave by camping out in their favorite convenience store, others are concerned that the temperature increases will continue without drastic action. While all the usual warming suspects are on the table, there is a growing concern about Veilcorp technology, the company’s use of 127, and its effect on the environment. Renewed calls for government intervention, and a ban on the controversial element have tied up government phone lines, and filled DLNR mailboxes.

Barraloha Instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center, and outspoken food sustainability activist Sebastion Malu says that there is no doubt that 127 is accelerating an already deadly warming trend. “127 is like gasoline on an already raging fire. The gasoline is bad, but the fire will still burn with, or without it.” Malu says Instead of focusing on 127 alone, people should acknowledge the root causes of climate change like animal agriculture, and the use of petrochemicals. He suggests boycotting Abramo companies, and anyone who does business with the “Maui Meat King.”

“The Beat the Heat and Eat Some Meat atrocity is exactly the kind of rudimentary thinking, and understanding of natural cycles that we need to eliminate before we can move on to the next vibrational level as a species. Raising animals for consumption is murder not just for the animals, but for our planet and ourselves. Animal agriculture takes huge outlays of fertilizer, pesticides, fuel, feed, and water. It takes about 25 times more energy to produce one calorie of beef than it does to produce one calorie of corn. We need to be as mindful of the damage raising meat is doing to the planet, as the internal damage eating it can do to our bodies. We need to restore balance in our thinking and world by nourishing ourselves on nuts, nectars, sunlight, and all of the renewable natural gifts, not charred hunks of our differently designed animal partners.”

Abramo counters that he is not surprised by Malu’s call for a boycott, “The grass drinkers are always squawking about something, and Malu is the worst of them.” He adds, “Summer has always been about two things: staying cool and eating mounds of grilled meat. It’s not just healthy, and American, it’s the right thing to do. Malu and his followers say eating meat isn’t good or natural, which is ridiculous. If eating meat is so bad for you, why does it taste so good? Our bodies haven’t evolved to crave the delicious flesh of animals because it was dangerous. While Malu is running around like a chicken with his head cut off, and perspiring in the sun, my customers and I will be keeping cool inside, and dabbing the meat sweats from our foreheads.”