Museum’s Ancestral Skills Workshop a Hit In Lahaina

The Lahaina Museum’s Ancestral Workshops, which offer visitors a hands-on opportunity to learn the survival and crafting skills used by the first Hawaiians, has become one of the most popular events in town. The workshops come hot on the heels of last year’s wildly popular ancestor exhibit, which featured a number of artifacts including shark-toothed weapons called Leiomano. Tickets to the workshops are almost impossible to come by, and the waiting list now extends through the end of the year. Curators Balen and Maci Kiko say they are thrilled at the community’s response and plan on continuing the program next year.

“We want to teach people that when it comes to Hawaiian art and crafts, there’s a whole lot more than just leis,” says Balen. The museum has numerous stations where visitors can learn about the art and clothing of Hawaii. Experts will demonstrate how to make everything from lauhala bracelets, kukui nut art, coconut dishes, various ti leaf crafts, and even a class on making Kapa, the traditional barkcloth made by early Hawaiians from plant fibers.

Ike Hoomana Spokesperson for the Office of Hawaiian Culture (OHC) says he’s impressed with the workshops, especially the detailed history of featherwork. “Without a doubt the most important ancient Hawaiian craft was featherwork. As well as being beautiful and incredibly ornate, It held great social and spiritual significance. Rare feathers were used to create helmets, capes, and elaborate hair ornaments that only the nobility was allowed to wear.”

“It’s not just art on display at the workshops. We also focus on the hunting and fishing techniques of the Hawaiian people,” says Maci. “It is amazing how much these people could do with what they found around them.”

Patrons are taught a number of primitive traps used to catch birds and early agriculture methods. However, the sea provided the biggest bounty and Hawaiians developed numerous fishing techniques. Hooks shaped from human, bird, dog, or whale bones as well as, pearl, turtle shell, or wood are on display. There are demonstrations showing how early people made fishing line and nets from olona fibers and colored them with Koki`o dye to make them less visible in the water. The numerous methods used for trapping fish are also discussed, and some of the simpler methods such as fish baskets, are demonstrated to guests.

The Kiko’s say they are thrilled that so many share their appreciation for the beauty and inventiveness of the early Hawaiians. “We’re talking about incredibly brave people who arrived with little more than their boats, knowledge of the ocean, and ingenuity. I think we can all appreciate, and learn a little from these incredible people,” said Maci.

While most echo her sentiment, not everyone is thrilled about the hands-on nature of the workshops. In fact, local resident John Driscol says the skills taught are potentially dangerous. “The bay was exceptionally calm that day, so I decided to give up my spot on the beach, grab my air mattress, a few beverages, and float away the afternoon. I had no idea that my world was about to turn upside down because someone wanted to practice their ancient fishing skills,” he says.

“When I awoke, I couldn’t figure out where I was at first. I was still floating, but the ocean was at least 50 feet away, and I could barely see over the handmade wall of sharp rocks that surrounded me. After a few seconds, I realized that I was caught in a tidal fish trap. It’s designed as a sort of corral to trap fish at low tide. My mattress and I had drifted a few miles while I was asleep, and the wind had pushed me into the trap. I’m no expert on poisonous coral, but I’ve heard that in nature the more colorful something is the more toxic it is. Looking underneath me, everything was colored like neon lights. It was too shallow to swim without touching any of the coral, and I had lost my shoes. I had left a game running on my phone and it was dead, so calling for help was out of the question. Worse still, I had failed to properly close my floating cooler and all the beer was no longer cold. I knew it might be hours before the tide would come in, and free me from my mini-pool jail. I was already a little sunburned, and it was only going to get worse. Fearing that I might be on the verge of dehydration, I tried drinking one of the warm beers, but as soon as the lukewarm brew touched my tongue, I spit it out. I knew that before the day was done, I might be forced to drink a warm beer to save myself, but I wasn’t that desperate yet. Nonetheless, I put it back just in case. It was torture floating around in there. Normally, I could easily do nothing for hours, but knowing that I had no choice in this case was terrible. I never really liked survival movies before, but enduring those hopelessly uncomfortable three hours before the tide rose and freed my mattress, changed something inside me. The horror of that time, carefully paddling around the tidal trap, with suboptimal beer opened my eyes. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to enjoy doing nothing ever again.”

Man Wielding Leiomano Arrested Following Police Confrontation

Lahaina Police arrested an unnamed man Sunday evening, who they say brandished a shark tooth club, or leiomano, stolen from the Lahaina Museum. Officials say the man went on a rampage: destroying property, and stealing items from a nearby Big Bites store, before leading police on a chase through the museum, where he was able to elude capture. The suspect was finally arrested in the Baby Beach area after a confrontation that police on scene described as “terrifying.” The unidentified man is being held under observation at the Lahaina Medical Center pending a full psychological examination, and drug screen.

Craig Luahi says he had know idea he was going to be involved in a manhunt Sunday afternoon, and was just enjoying sitting on his couch, binge watching the latest season of Veil Sale. Soon after settling in, Luahi heard a noise in the backyard and went to investigate. What he saw was unexpected to say the least.

“There was a guy dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and a boonie hat who was trying to chop down a tree in my backyard. I yelled at him, and he spun around with an axe in his hand, and a look in his eye I didn’t like. He was acting real crazy, asking me what year it was, talking about the Veil Station blowing up, and the world ending. It really freaked me out, and I started to back-up when he said he needed some twine and wood to make splints. I don’t know about you, but when a crazy guy holding an axe asks me for something, I try really hard to get it. I told him that I thought I had some rope and scrap wood in the garage he was welcome to, and ran inside to call the police. By the time they arrived he was gone.”

Police say that soon after responding to Luahi’s home they received a call about a disturbance at a nearby Big Bites store where an individual matching the suspects description was threatening employees, and stealing items. According to employees the man seemed most interested in the store’s supply of SSHAM. “He kept saying that it was worth its weight in gold. Stuff about poison gas, and the world ending. I told him I was calling the cops and he better leave. He said the cops weren’t as bad as Trophy Hunters, whatever that means, but as soon as we heard the sirens he took off out the back door.”

The suspect ran several blocks while police set up a perimeter. Within minutes he was spotted running inside the Lahaina Heritage Museum, and a foot chase ensued. Despite their best efforts, the man was able to escape with a traditional shark-toothed club that was on display as part of the museum’s Hawaiian Ancestors Exhibit. Drones were launched, and dogs were brought in to help track the assailant.

Video footage of the man was sent to all social media channels, and officials attempted to find the suspect using Glimpsea’s Comprehensive Aloha Security Helper Camera System (CASH), to no avail. The search continued for almost eight hours before a terrifying confrontation with police led to his capture.

The arresting officer says in his report: “It was unusually cloudy, with fog rolling in, so it was hard to see. At first I thought he was officer Owano, who was also searching the beach area for the suspect. I called out but he didn’t answer. He just walked closer. I yelled again, and he started to jog my way. As he got closer I could see he was holding something large with both hands off to his side. I pulled my weapon, but I had waited too long. He swung the leiomano and one of the teeth caught my hand, making me drop my sidearm. He was screaming that he needed to find someplace safe to wait out “the worst of it”. He said we needed to leave him alone, and go be with our families. I tried reasoning with him, but he swung again striking my leg. I fell, and tried to grab onto the suspect before he could swing again. It was then that officer Owano arrived on scene, deployed his taser, and we were able to secure the subject.”

Police say the man refuses to identify himself, and his fingerprints are not on file. The leiomano has been returned to the museum where it will have to be repaired. The suspects motives remain as mysterious as his identity this morning. Officials say they are still waiting for bloodwork and his psych evaluation but it is highly likely that he was suffering from a severe reaction to illicit drugs, or from some sort of mental break. However, local author Kevin Morrow has a different theory. “Violent survival style video games are to blame,” he says.

“It’s amazing to me that things like this don’t happen more often. Some of these games can feel so authentic that it’s hard to tell the difference between what’s real, and what isn’t for some. I’ve heard stories of young people collapsing from exhaustion trying to collect minerals by hitting rocks, or trying to shape boards with nothing but an axe. I’m not surprised at all that the weapon was stolen from the museum. One of the most common tropes in these types of games is discovering a sort of armory, where an individual can find numerous weapons to aid in their “quests”. The museum exhibit must have seemed like one of these areas to this poor man, further feeding his psychosis. If we want to be serious about protecting museum antiquities we need to start screening people who play these types of games. I feel bad for this confused individual, and hope hospital staff have begun to transition him into shape matching games, exposing him to the joy of checkers, or a simple card game, something that lacks the power to inspire this violent “questing” behavior.”

Man Behind Controversial Shellfish Shooting Petition Speaks Out

FIREARMS AND FRIENDS

Aired October 5, 2048 – 20:00 HAST

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

[20:00:07] RANDY WILCOX, FIREARMS AND FRIENDS HOST: Good evening Lahaina and those not lucky enough to live in paradise.

We have a really special episode for you tonight. In just a few minutes, we’ll be discussing the controversial opihi shooting petition with its architect, to learn why he believes it’s important to allow a new way to harvest those delicious little limpets, and a whole lot more.

First I want to let you know that tonight’s episode is brought to you by Lahaina’s Big Bites stores, the big cure for a big hunger. Choose from over 1,000 meats or meat related delicacies. Make your own sausage with one of Big Bites’ onsite grinders, or choose from the biggest collection of jerky in the Pacific. Let the kids grab all the cold cuts they can catch inside the Meat Twister machine, or order a colorful marinated meat arrangement. There’s one perfect for any occasion. Whether you’re planning a special event or just want a snack, stop by a Big Bites store and have a meaty bite of paradise.

We’re also brought to you by Board Entertainment’s hit show, Veil Sale. Now in it’s 8th season. Watch yours truly and my partner John Driscol bid on forgotten packages, abandoned freight, and misplaced luggage. Each bag might hold a treasure or just dirty laundry. Watch us take a chance trying to hit it big by turning one man’s trash into our treasure. Whether it’s 100 gallons of pig milk, 10,000 electric toothbrushes, or an antique shoe collection, it’s all worth something to someone. Tune in every Thursday at 9 HAST to find out what’s in the next box.

WILCOX: Now that we’ve paid for the bullets and the bandwidth, let me welcome Balen Kiko to the show.

BALEN KIKO, LAHAINA HERITAGE MUSEUM CURATOR: Thank you Randy. It’s a pleasure to be on the show, I’m a big fan.

WILCOX: The pleasure is all mine Balen. Before we discuss the petition would you mind if we talk a bit about your day job?

KIKO: Not al all, it’s your show.

WILCOX: For those who don’t know, Balen is the curator of the Lahaina Heritage Museum.

KIKO: Guilty as charged. My wife and I took over the Museum almost 20 years-ago now.

WILCOX: I have to tell you… and for those of you who haven’t checked the museum out yet, I highly recommend it. I have to tell you that your weapons exhibits, with all the shark teeth is….

KIKO: Leiomano, it’s an old Hawaiian word that means “lei of the shark”.

WILCOX: Whatever they used to call it, I call it awesome! Waving around something like that really sends a message, and it aint, “Would you like to help me finish eating this cake?”

KIKO: [Laughing] I know what you mean. I can only imagine what it would feel like to have a Koa warrior charging at you with a leiomano club over his head. It’d be terrifying, but you know, my youngest daughter loves it. We have a joke around the house that if Oki had her way there’d be leiomano frying pans in every kitchen.

WILCOX: [Laughing] That would put a whole new twist on doing the dishes for sure.

KIKO: Yes it would.

WILCOX: But we didn’t ask you on the show to talk about shark teeth. We invited you because of a petition you’ve started…

KIKO: Oh, you’ve heard about the petition?

WILCOX: [Chuckles] Well, not everyone I know is talking about it, just almost everyone.

KIKO: Yeah, I expected some pushback and discussion, but I didn’t expect it to grow into such a big issue. It seems like everyone not only has an opinion, but a STRONG opinion. You wouldn’t believe some of the things people have said. It’s been an eye-opener for sure.

WILCOX: In case someone has been frozen or stuck inside the veil for the past 2 months, could you explain the petition and what you hope to achieve?

KIKO: Sure, sure. Basically, I want to make it legal to use a firearm to harvest opihi.

WILCOX: For our viewers on the mainland could you explain what opihi are and why shooting them is a good idea in your opinion.

KIKO: Sure, but first let me clarify that I don’t want to shoot them. Shooting one would ruin it. I want to use a firearm to help collect them, which is illegal now.

Opihi is a type of small shellfish, a type of limpet to be precise, that is one of the most sought out delicacies in the world. The problem is they live in remote, rocky shores that get a lot of surf and big waves. Every year, people get hurt or killed trying to pry them off rocks. That gives you an idea of how good they are.

A long time ago when a market for them started, Hawaiians would harvest close to 150,000 pounds annually. Last year there was less than 10,000 pounds commercially available island-wide.

WILCOX: Wow.

KIKO: Yeah, now part of that, as the greenies will tell you, is a depletion in stock, but a big part of it is also how dangerous harvesting them is. You’re standing in swirling surf, on slippery, jagged rocks trying to pry half-dollar sized shellfish off a rock with a knife as waves pound you in the head. It’s a nightmare!

My wife and I love opihi and we were concerned about not being able to buy them one day. We did a little brainstorming and testing with things around the house and came up with this method. I have a video if you’d like to see what I’m proposing.

WILCOX: Sure, Let’s take a look.

[WILCOX AND KIKO WATCH HARVESTING VIDEO]

WILCOX: Good stuff Balen. Was that a .22?

KIKO: Yeah, I think anything larger would destroy too many, but I’m not saying it couldn’t be done with a larger caliber round. It’s just such a precise process, I mean as you could see, you have to be a pretty good shot to chip them off the rocks.

WILCOX: And was your wife using a pool skimmer?

KIKO: Yeah, our system requires two people, another thing that a lot of people don’t understand. A lot of people say that my proposal would make harvesting opihi even more dangerous because they only know what they’ve heard. As you could see, the way we do it requires a shooter and a catcher. Having another person there, and able to get help makes the process a lot less dangerous.

We found the pool skimmer to be perfect. The long handle allows the catcher to be far enough away from the rock to avoid flying fragments or ricochet, and it’s light enough that your arms won’t get burned-out after a day of shellfish shooting.

WILCOX: Now it looked like a lot of the opihi were still grabbing onto bits of rock when they fell off.

KIKO: Sure, you still have to do some additional cleaning and scraping when you get home but the most dangerous part, getting them off the rocks, is done in relative safety.

WILCOX: Have you shown this video before? I think it answers a lot of questions.

KIKO: I have, and it’s available on our website.

The problem is that most people have made their mind up already, and anytime you mention guns, as I’m sure you know, a certain percentage of people just shut down.

WILCOX: So that’s the main issue people have, the guns?

KIKO: That’s part of it. I expected that of course. There are some people that just won’t understand balancing on ocean rocks in the breakers and shooting small shellfish, while your partner tries to catch them with a net, no matter how clearly you explain it to them.

There’s also concern about people using old lead rounds which would be bad for fish and seabirds and destroying the rocks that the opihi live on. I understand the first issue, but I think the danger is grossly overstated. They stopped making lead ammunition many years ago, but the rock thing blows my mind. It’s like these people have never heard of erosion. Remember, these rocks are getting pounded all day every day by the ocean. Do you have any idea how many .22 rounds it would take to turn a big beach rock into rubble?

WILCOX: Around 75,000. We did it in episode 22. We had to pour water over the barrels they got so hot.

KIKO: That’s what I’m saying. You’re shooting a rock at most a dozen times when you’re collecting opihi, no way near enough to cause excess damage.

WILCOX: I see our time is almost up but I think you’ve made a great case for allowing a firearms harvest of opihi. How many signatures do you need and how many do you have?

KIKO: We need 81,435 to get the proposal on the ballot and we’re about a third of the way there after only 2 weeks, so we’re very hopeful. That said, people keep signing the name Burroughs and warning my wife not to balance any opihi on her head.

WILCOX: Right…Well, even though I’m allergic to shellfish, I’d be proud to sign your petition after the show. I think the fact that people are trying to stop the ballistic harvest of mollusks speaks volumes about where we’ve let ourselves go as a country. I wish you and your petition all the best.

KIKO: Thanks for the support, and allowing us to get the message out through this platform. I’m not just fighting for the right to shoot in the surf for you and me. I’m doing it for future generations. Thanks again!

The Abramo Meat Museum Is Unfit for Public Consumption

After contacting representatives from the Department of Health, the Mayor’s Office, and the Better Business Bureau, it has become apparent to me that I will be receiving very little help regarding my complaints about the Abramo Meat Museum. Since the officials of Lahaina have shown that they have no interest in addressing this public hazard, I’m writing this letter-to-the-editor in the hopes that it will save at least one family from going through the ordeal that we have over the past few days. What was supposed to be a dream vacation has turned into a bloody nightmare. No matter what you’ve heard, or how fun you might think it would be, I urge everyone to stay away from this dangerously run disease factory.

For almost 20 years it had been a dream of mine to return to Lahaina with the extended family. Four generations of us have been married along the beautiful beaches, and I wanted to share my love of the people and this wonderful place with my daughter and her family. When we finally found a time that worked for everyone after all these years, it seemed like fate was finally on my side. Everything was spectacular for the first few days, until my grandson heard about the Abramo Meat Museum from the concierge at the hotel. He was obsessed. All he could talk about was visiting the “monument to all things meat.” Since I’m a fan of all things kitschy, I offered to take the kids and give my daughter and son-in-law a day to themselves. It was one of the worst decisions of my life.

I knew something was wrong immediately, but didn’t trust my instincts. When someone walks into the museum they are greeted with a sign that reads like the preamble to a manifesto: “Meat, the life giving flesh from tasty animals, has contributed to the welfare of man since the dawn of time. The muscle and sumptuous fatty tissues have supplied us with the protein we needed to build empires, and the energy necessary to construct the wonders of the world. Take a walk with us now down the road of meals past, back to the very first hunt and learn why we celebrate special occasions with a big juicy steak and not a salad.”

The museum does have an impressive collection of meat and butchery related objects, but it was not the delightfully quirky homage to meat that I was expecting. Instead, I found the exhibits to be full of misinformation and have an alarming seriousness to them that made me uneasy. While I was looking at a collection of blood-stained cleavers on the wall, my grandson asked if he could take his little sister to Oxtail Junction, the kids area of the museum. I told him to go ahead. That was my second huge mistake of the day.

After a few more minutes of looking at various butchery tools in display cases, I turned the corner to find my grandson staring at a mural with his mouth wide open. It wasn’t until I was standing next to him that I realized what it was we were looking at. This section of the museum was dedicated to stories of failed expeditions and people who were forced to practice cannibalism in order to survive. The mural was a horrific depiction of the Donner Party along with the recipe for something called, “Pioneer Meatloaf.” My grandson looked at me and asked, “If we get lost can we eat Trisha?” Before I could tell him that we would not be eating his sister, or explain that it was highly unlikely that those starving pioneers brought a meat grinder with them, I heard my granddaughter crying.

I found her in the kids area standing in front of a working meat slicer with her doll in one hand, and the doll’s feet in another. Sitting a few feet away was an obviously inebriated employee in an ill-fitting uniform with a star on his chest, and a ridiculously small hat. “I’m Sheriff Short Rib,” he croaked. I asked him how he could let a 4-year-old turn on a slicer and ruin her doll. I screamed at him about how irresponsible it was to have a working meat slicer in an area designated for children. His only response was, “We’d all have more fun if we followed the rules,” and pointed to a list on the wall. I couldn’t speak for a few seconds because I was so furious, but my anger disappeared when I saw my grandson run into the room chasing another little boy with a knife.

Before I could scream for him to stop, he smacked the other child in the back and yelled, “Tag!” It was then that I noticed the first child also had a knife. I stopped the pair and asked what on Earth they were thinking running around with knives like that, and they pointed to the next room were a number of children were chasing each other with various butchery tools. I turned to the sheriff and asked if he planned on doing anything about it, and he yelled out, “We’d all have more fun if we followed the rules,” and gestured vaguely to the list on the wall.

It was the final straw. I told my grandson that we were leaving and turned to get his sister. That’s when I noticed poor little Trisha was standing in front of the sausage casing machine, eating the mix straight out of the extruder, with a line of children behind her. I shrieked, and my grandson asked how many sausages I thought we could make out of his sister. To be honest, I don’t remember leaving. The next thing I recall is walking through the parking lot, carrying Trisha, and warning anyone who would listen, not to go in the museum. However, unbeknownst to me, I was not done dealing with the fallout of our 20 minute visit.

It was only a few hours later that Trisha started to become violently ill. While her brother asked me if I thought she was still safe to eat, I got directions to the nearest hospital. The doctors say it was the most aggressive case of food poisoning they had ever seen. I had to call my daughter to cut her day short, it was so severe. For the next 3 days they nursed Trisha back to health, and I had to explain to my son-in-law why his boy was suddenly obsessed with eating his sibling. When we called the museum to complain, they denied all responsibility saying Trisha was probably suffering from, “the meat sweats.”

Betsy Kaukau, a health inspector from the Department of Health, is the only official to take our concerns seriously so far. She says she will do everything she can to make sure another family doesn’t have to go through what we have. I’ve also contacted a lawyer and we’re looking into any, and all legal options. In the meantime, it is my hope that this letter forces other Lahaina officials to take action, and serves as food for thought to anyone thinking of visiting this disaster waiting to happen. In short, the Abramo Meat Museum is rotten to the core.